mm under investigation at work

[norudder]

So exMM had a complaint filed against him at work. I found out and wanted to share without gossiping about to former coworkers and this is the only place that really knows all. I guess it doesnt really matter except to fortify the emotional distance/healing.

 

Its administrative, not criminal, but they moved his work location and he could be fired. I dont know if its sexual or discriminatory or what. He's a generally outgoing/flirty guy but with everyone, male and female. He wasnt directly coming on to the coworker. It wasnt the 'quid pro quo' of perks for sexual favors but the 'work environment' kind. Apparently it was a culmination. Things like comments about what she was wearing (not sexual in nature but just the fact of being observed like it mattered), being ostracized during lunch if most of the guys went out as a group (shes the only female, exmm was always the driver and was the one to disinvite her when she tried to join in again after going a few times with them but telling them she didnt appreciate some of their jokes/language- lots of f bombs in the office with those guys), he walked by her computer as she was buying underwear online during a break and called her out on it instead of letting it slide or professionally suggesting not using work computer for personal shopping.

Other than the language she never said anything directly to let her discomfort be known. Not defending, just trying to see both sides.

These cases can be tough. One person's humor is another persons inappropriate is another persons offensive is another persons harassment. I can understand where shes coming from though.

 

I think its all about boundaries and he has little awareness/consideration of other peoples'. He saw not inviting her to lunch as self preservation, avoiding a problem, instead of being inclusive or modifying routines/behavior. Like the bank robber who when asked why he robbed the bank answered 'that's where they keep the money'. Almost humorous in the truth and simplicity but sad at how obtuse to the bigger picture of reality the rest of us live in. I understand one person's humor is another persons inappropriate is another persons offensive is another persons harassment- but there's no room for even borderline inappropriateness in the workplace.

 

The sick part is for a split second I wanted to believe she's being vindictive for not being great at her job and is worried about security and to 'stand by him'. Geez! That thought went away quickly. Of course the story would then be how can he divorce if he might be jobless in a few months. Because oh thats right, he still married! And its still their life together being impacted. It's still their 'better and worse'. Not mine. Thank goodness. I dont know if he's learned anything from the affair. Is that possible, to go through something like that and not evolve?

 

Still get sad sometimes when I realize who I let myself fall in love with, and the kind of person I was at the time. Makes me wish I had wanted to reconcile with my exH. On my own is definitely better, but I wish it had been good enough to go back to you know?

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

[Maddieandtae]

Did the married man share these incidents with you directly? From reading your take on what happened my take is the victim is being furthered bullied by diminishing actions done against her. Thank goodness you didn't gossip with your former co-workers where she still works and would most likely hear of it. Sounds like this married man is inappropriate with woman and needs some serious rehabilitation:(

[RecentChange]

If I worked with him I wouldn't appreciate any of the behavior you described.

 

It's work, a professional environment, not a guy's club.

 

And I am someone who uses bad language in my "outside" life, but I stifle those F bombs at work, even out or lunch or after work cocktails with my coworkers.

 

"Work" isn't the time to "be yourself" but rather a time when one should be putting their best foot forward.

 

So he is a married cheater and now is under investigation for sexual harassment - sounds like this guy has boundaries galore when it comes to women.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Makes me wish I had wanted to reconcile with my exH. On my own is definitely better, but I wish it had been good enough to go back to you know?

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

 

I feel this way, too. <3

[BTDT2012]

Looks like someone's karma bus has arrived.

[S2B]

I also wouldn't appreciate his inappropriate behavior.

 

It appears you are defending his lack of boundaries by explaining his actions as they "would be" part of flirting... Actually it's is who he is - a character flaw in full action.. Designed to get him some on the side.

 

It worked before = he was probably trying to get it to work again ---> and she may have shot him down...hence the no invite to the lunches and giving her a bad time about shopping on her break time.

 

He seems like a jerk who got caught. Why didn't you just call it what it is?

[norudder]

Looks like someone's karma bus has arrived.

 

yup !

 

I know indifference is the goal and my higher self wishes everyone wellness in their journey , Im by no means without fault, but is it wrong that part of my ego self is a little satisfied at the karma?

 

Maybe its part of his path to his own higher consciousness.

[sandylee1]

Sounds like sexual discrimination and then bullying (by exclusion) ,when she spoke up for herself.

 

A full and proper investigation will get witness statements from others before reaching a decision.

[lemondrop21]

Makes me wish I had wanted to reconcile with my exH. On my own is definitely better, but I wish it had been good enough to go back to you know?

 

I also feel exactly the same about my xbf. I know we weren't meant to be together, but he was a genuinely good guy and such a huge contrast from xMM.

[S2B]

 

Maybe its part of his path to his own higher consciousness.

 

 

Huh? You can't make him wake up. When someone is asleep you can't force them to wake up.

 

HIS higher consciousness? You do yourself. He will do himself. You kind of need to assume he will never achieve higher consciousness.

[norudder]

Huh? You can't make him wake up. When someone is asleep you can't force them to wake up.

 

HIS higher consciousness? You do yourself. He will do himself. You kind of need to assume he will never achieve higher consciousness.

 

I know i can't. it was a thought , nothing im invested in. I am continuing my own path without regard for the possibility of his "potential " etc. Im quite content in life atm .

[DKT3]

I also feel exactly the same about my xbf. I know we weren't meant to be together, but he was a genuinely good guy and such a huge contrast from xMM.

 

What does that even mean? I think it all comes from preconceived notions of pre-teen girls with their fantasies of the perfect guy. No one is meant to be or not be with an one person.

 

All you have are relationships we F up then can't accept we F-ed them up so we blame it on the magical.

 

At the end of the day any relationship has the ability to be the one if two people are health willing to compromise and except their own flaws.

[imperfectangel]

Just because you don't believe in the one doesn't mean other people don't or that it's not "real"

[norudder]

What does that even mean? I think it all comes from preconceived notions of pre-teen girls with their fantasies of the perfect guy. No one is meant to be or not be with an one person.

 

All you have are relationships we F up then can't accept we F-ed them up so we blame it on the magical.

 

At the end of the day any relationship has the ability to be the one if two people are health willing to compromise and except their own flaws.

 

 

Thanks for stopping in. You always have interesting contributions. I don't like the "meant to be" concept either. we have agency in our lives. it can be a catchall though which , though not the best worded , can also encompass the idea that if someone is not healthy, or not willing to compromise then the relationship wont work and not be. its easier than explaining details (as long as internally we understand it wasn't just "fate"). like when someone asks how youre doing you give a simple "good" etc. and not a recap of your last therapy session, list of current meds, previous sex encounter etc.

 

 

I disagree any two healthy people can be "the one" for each other if they just decide it to be so. there are some involuntary factors.

[DKT3]

Just because you don't believe in the one doesn't mean other people don't or that it's not "real"

 

Well I believe we have freedom of choice, not that we are predisposed to anything outside of our genetic makeup.

 

Relationship are impossible to be meant or not meant to be in one or with one person. Humans never stop growing or changing. Who we are at 18 isn't who we are at 30. What I wanted in a relationship when I got married in my 20's isn't what I want now in my 40's. So how could I possibly be meant to be with one person in some kind of fantasy soulmate situation. It's not logical, it's emotional based in fantasy. And the reason relationship fail. As soon as they become difficult, and all do, it contradicts the fantasy and the dreamer starts to look for a way out. It's simply not realistic.

[DKT3]

Thanks for stopping in. You always have interesting contributions. I don't like the "meant to be" concept either. we have agency in our lives. it can be a catchall though which , though not the best worded , can also encompass the idea that if someone is not healthy, or not willing to compromise then the relationship wont work and not be. its easier than explaining details (as long as internally we understand it wasn't just "fate"). like when someone asks how youre doing you give a simple "good" etc. and not a recap of your last therapy session, list of current meds, previous sex encounter etc.

 

 

I disagree any two healthy people can be "the one" for each other if they just decide it to be so. there are some involuntary factors.

The thing about relationships is people are involved so as people change the relationship between them will change. Dreamers (those who have fantasy based ideas if relationship)have this thinking that it will be an eternal love story off the pages of those horrible Nicholas Sparks books/movies. In the real world relationship between people have ebbs and flows. Over the course of a long 40-50 year relationship it's impossible to feel "in love" all the time. Nor will you be able to maintain a high level passionate love life. It comes and goes in waves. It's important to understand that.

 

Those fantasy based dreamers can never maintain a relationship because they always chase that high of constant passion and butterflies. It always goes away, then they are off looking for the next high. It's all so sad.

[norudder]

The thing about relationships is people are involved so as people change the relationship between them will change. Dreamers (those who have fantasy based ideas if relationship)have this thinking that it will be an eternal love story off the pages of those horrible Nicholas Sparks books/movies. In the real world relationship between people have ebbs and flows. Over the course of a long 40-50 year relationship it's impossible to feel "in love" all the time. Nor will you be able to maintain a high level passionate love life. It comes and goes in waves. It's important to understand that.

 

Those fantasy based dreamers can never maintain a relationship because they always chase that high of constant passion and butterflies. It always goes away, then they are off looking for the next high. It's all so sad.

 

A little off topic from op but i agree. Its not a blanket statement applicable to every marriage ever but if you have this understanding and the relationship still needs to end i think its a fair litmus .

[DKT3]

A little off topic from op but i agree. Its not a blanket statement applicable to every marriage ever but if you have this understanding and the relationship still needs to end i think its a fair litmus .

 

Not really off topic since you spoke of wishing you had the desire to work it out with husband. If I remember correctly you only left with the idea that mm would be in the wings. Then once you realized it changed nothing you wanted to go back. I recall you and I talking about that.

 

You in my opinion had this fantasy and chased the highs. I guessing it's a pattern.

[norudder]

Not really off topic since you spoke of wishing you had the desire to work it out with husband. If I remember correctly you only left with the idea that mm would be in the wings. Then once you realized it changed nothing you wanted to go back. I recall you and I talking about that.

 

You in my opinion had this fantasy and chased the highs. I guessing it's a pattern.

 

Everyone has an opinion and youre entitled to yours.

That conversation was a snapshot in time. as you said, we change. We can break patterns. i divorced knowing mm wasn't going to be an option. I could go back to my prior marriage, I haven't and don't want to. I wish i wanted to is the point. obviously if it were reconcilable that would have happened.

Edited September 27, 2016 by norudder