Jump to content

Finding myself in a tight spot [update: no desire for wife]


kiyoma

Recommended Posts

Hii guys

 

I am a 28 yr old male. I am married. I found this site while searching for ways to break off an office romance.

 

I am in a tight spot right now. I have slept with a coworker. But this was not a one night stand. Recently this coworker was in an accident and I helped her. And our friendship bloomed from there one. And it was not just friendship because I would ache for her when I was not with her. And we would text and talk face to face a lot (she knows I'm married, hence thats why she didn't call when I was home).

 

Anyways, recently we were together at her apartment and thats when we had sex and it confirms that she also has feelings for me. But I am suddenly in a panic. Not because I feel guilt but HR purposes and social fallout. Although our company doesn't sack people for getting in relationships, it does have strict rules on sexual harrassment. And this panic is mainly about that. What if she feels now I have slept with her and need to say to my wife that I'm leaving? And if I don't agree will she slap me with a sexual harassment charge?

 

I have already started to look for a new job. But I am not ready to divorce my wife right now. Though I think they way things are going, I will soon have to make a decision on whether to stay or go. But I want to deal with things one by one. First I want to get a new job at a new city, then I will focus on my relationship with my wife.

 

In the meantime I have made the decision to not sleep with my coworker anymore. But just to be on the safe side, how can I remain her platonic boyfriend till I get the new job? Can anyone give me any suggestion?

 

[update: no desire for wife: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/596288-finding-myself-tight-spot-update-no-desire-wife-3.html#post7189118 ]

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
But just to be on the safe side, how can I remain her platonic boyfriend till I get the new job? Can anyone give me any suggestion?

 

Hi Kiyoma,

 

Unfortunately, I don't think people here will help you find a way to continue having an affair, platonic or not. If this is the purpose of you posting here, then you'll just find disappointing replies.

 

But if you want help in trying to know if you need to stay with your wife or not, help you in trying to gather your thoughts and feelings about your marriage, then the people here will gladly help you.

 

Welcome to the forums!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Nah, you can't remain her platonic friend. It's too late for that. You've already crossed that line.

 

You have to be honest with your coworker. Let her know that you can't continue to see her or spend time with her. Hoping to remain her "friend" means continuing the affair. Because that's what is going to happen unless you make a clean break in your relationship.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
What? What is bizarre if I want to escape from this position with a new job where she has no way to contact me?

 

What's bizarre is the complete lack of regard for anyone's wants, needs, or feelings besides your own.

 

Do you care at all about what this will do to your wife? Or to the OW? Do you care about anything besides saving your own skin?

  • Like 17
Link to post
Share on other sites
What? What is bizarre if I want to escape from this position with a new job where she has no way to contact me?

 

But then you ask ....

 

 

 

how can I remain her platonic boyfriend till I get the new job?

 

Maybe I misunderstood?

 

Platonic boyfriend is a little bit of an oxymoron.

 

I founde it bizarre that you're only worried about sexual harassment....when you could have avoided that easily by not having sex with her. Or not getting involved since you are married.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Do you care at all about what this will do to your wife? Or to the OW? Do you care about anything besides saving your own skin?

 

I actually do.

 

But I need to have a career too. I cannot have it tarnished or my reputation. So I have to find a way to get out of this unscathed.

 

So if you want to utter morality please stary out of my post.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What? What is bizarre if I want to escape from this position with a new job where she has no way to contact me?

 

So you want to move to a new city and I presume you want to take your wife?

 

Does she have a job? Does this mean she has to quit her job, move to a new city when there's the possibility you might divorce her anyway?

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you sure you can get out of it unscathed?

 

Is that really what is most important?

 

Oftentimes, strength in a man is demonstrated by his ability to face challenges and atone for any wrongs he may have committed. Even if you got out, you can't really get away from who you are and what you've done. You're going to face it in the mirror every day. And it still may find a way to return to bite you in the end. It might be best to just face it now.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980
I actually do.

 

But I need to have a career too. I cannot have it tarnished or my reputation. So I have to find a way to get out of this unscathed.

 

So if you want to utter morality please stary out of my post.

 

I won't get all moral on you. I am not a hypocrite.

 

Sleeping with a coworker is not sexual harassment. Are you in a supervisory position? That would be a problem. If not, there is a term for that - hostile work environment and she would need to show that you are making her uncomfortable and putting unwanted advances on her.

 

I could see it happening as she may feel very unhappy with you since are not intending on leaving for your wife for her. On the flip side, she may not want everyone to know. To bring you down, she brings herself down. This was my struggle. So he got off pretty easy, no consequences. But I was not willing to burn my own career down to hurt him.

 

Mine is not a job exactly but in the event he ever tries to get rid of me by lying about me, I have a bunch of emails, pictures and texts saved to prove it was mutual. He tried to twist it on my this summer and I sent all my evidence to him, so he knows I have it all. You really cannot trust anyone in these things once it's over so the best defense is a good offense.

 

You probably should tell your wife. Sorry, I know that is not what you want to hear but you will need someone to back you up. My H defended me and it helped.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I actually do.

 

But I need to have a career too. I cannot have it tarnished or my reputation. So I have to find a way to get out of this unscathed.

 

So if you want to utter morality please stary out of my post.

 

So...your priorities are to lead others whether in your personal life or your professional life to think you're something that you're not???? Wow...arogance at its best. Worried about your reputation but not a word about the wife's feelings or about the co-workers feelings only about your rep.....

 

Might want to give your processing some more thoughts on who and what you really are all about.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
I actually do.

 

But I need to have a career too. I cannot have it tarnished or my reputation. So I have to find a way to get out of this unscathed.

 

So if you want to utter morality please stary out of my post.

 

Where did I mention morality? You questioned what was bizarre about your situation and I answered. It's your complete apathy towards the lives and feelings of anyone but yourself. That has nothing to do with the right or wrongness of an affair, it has to do with you as a human being. I question it because your post made you sound like a sociopath. Healthy people care about others. That's why I asked.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand that this is a difficult situation for you.

 

Ask your wife what you should do about your affair partner and need for a new job.

 

She is the person who knows you best, after all.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the only thing you can do is talk to this woman and tell her you can't carry it on anymore. If she has any feelings for you I don't think she would try to get you fired from your job? What would she gain from that? BUT in the unlikely event that she does try anything, do you not have any text messages that prove that this mistake was a mutual one? It was mutual, and although you seem to care a lot more about your career than anything else, she is to blame in this too.

 

While I'm not condoning your lack of empathy towards anyone else, I have recently come out of an affair and because I'm not a pyscho and like to thing I am a half decent person, there is no way I would try to hurt my ex AP. Because I understand that everyone makes mistakes and deserves to be forgiven and given a chance to change.

 

Is she the type to do this? It kind of sounds like you're worried she is...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

When I made the post, it was earlier in the day. Reading back I can see that how it may have come across as a self absorbed lout.

 

But I am not stupid. I know very well the destruction it will reap if I suddenly leave my wife. In this office and in this city, people will know I did not leave because of differences.

 

And I also know when you destroy everything to get something, in the end if you get it, then even the object of your desire tastes bitter. And amid all this drama even Romina may not want me in the end. For anybody all the destruction will be exhausting. And I may very well end up despising her because of what I had to go through to get her. And she doesn't deserve that at all. She is a beautiful person inside and out to live with such resentment.

 

I love her. Even now I just want to talk to her. But I can't do this to her. Thats why I made the decision not to sleep with her. Its easier to move on when its one time. If I didn't care I would fan the flames of my lust and scheme about sleeping her throwing every caution in the wind.

 

As for the one who said I shouldn't have had sex, I DON'T REGRET IT ONE BIT. It was beautiful! But it shouldn't have happened. But I am young (only 28). And I got carried away in the moment. We are all here because we all made mistakes, right? But why is it that I am getting the hard stick when there are others here too?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

P.S. - I was reading through some of other posts. It seems like everyone is in an affair but telling that they can't leave their spouses because they have children and responsibilities. Even though they don't give 2 ****s about their spouses. I'm finding that even when you don't have children and are young, its not that easy to just divorce. Its not just another break up

 

Also, on this note, if this happened when my wife was my GF, I would have broken up the moment I returned home from my coworker's apartment. But not its not that simple anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You get no judgment from me.

 

But this is the reason that you don't screw around at the office. Especially if you are in any type of high level position.

 

You just have to talk to her and tell her the truth, if she freaks out and files a SH lawsuit, you are screwed.

 

Keep looking for another job ASAP.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Forever broken

Am sorry but weren't you aware of your job policies before having the Affair? You never planned on leaving your wife. You had an affair with your coworker, planning on dumping her but afraid of the consequences.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tell your mistress the truth. That you love her but it wouldn't be for to continue because you're married and the guilt and shame would destroy both of you. Tell her you're going to move and you're sorry you are hurting her.

 

Then move and leave your wife behind and later divorce her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980
When I made the post, it was earlier in the day. Reading back I can see that how it may have come across as a self absorbed lout.

 

But I am not stupid. I know very well the destruction it will reap if I suddenly leave my wife. In this office and in this city, people will know I did not leave because of differences.

 

And I also know when you destroy everything to get something, in the end if you get it, then even the object of your desire tastes bitter. And amid all this drama even Romina may not want me in the end. For anybody all the destruction will be exhausting. And I may very well end up despising her because of what I had to go through to get her. And she doesn't deserve that at all. She is a beautiful person inside and out to live with such resentment.

 

I love her. Even now I just want to talk to her. But I can't do this to her. Thats why I made the decision not to sleep with her. Its easier to move on when its one time. If I didn't care I would fan the flames of my lust and scheme about sleeping her throwing every caution in the wind.

 

As for the one who said I shouldn't have had sex, I DON'T REGRET IT ONE BIT. It was beautiful! But it shouldn't have happened. But I am young (only 28). And I got carried away in the moment. We are all here because we all made mistakes, right? But why is it that I am getting the hard stick when there are others here too?

 

Well, new people get a tough time to begin with because it's somewhat the same story over and over again. I love him, he is married, I am married, how will this end.....it's like groundhog day, we see the end from the beginning as we lived it. Second, the BS tend to be the ones a bit harder on the new people. Lastly, you are a married guy about to dump an OW. There are a lot of OW here who have been destroyed.

 

People went crazy on me in the beginning. It is why I rarely have my own thread. You need to stick it out here for a bit. There are a lot of good people with good advice. Just ignore any you feel are being downright mean. Literally, hit the ignore button.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

First off, op 28 us not "young". you are old enough to know better than to do this, so stop using that as an excuse for you actions. This was not getting 'caught up in the moment". You say yourself that you and your ow were friends after she got in an accident, and you started texting and talking, and you went to her apartment. That's not 'friends", that's two people who, in the back of their mind,s knew what they wanted to happen.

 

Second, your ow is in this every bit as much as you are. She is no innocent little lamb. I'm not saying that to demonize her but to show you she is capable of thinking and acting for herself. Tell her the truth, as lying to her will only hurt her even more.

 

Third, tell your wife what you did. She deserves to know that her husband has been dripping his pen in the company ink, and that he plans on leaving her ( which seems to be the gist of your postings so far). Certainly don't have sex with her, as you could potentially expose her to std's. You assume your ow has none, but that is a dangerous assumption to make. You don't really know her, her background or what she is like when you aren't there or who else she is having sex with. If you are okay with that, that's find for you, but don't expose your wife to those variables without her knowledge. How would you feel if you found out she'd been sleeping with another man behind your back?

 

Your wife also deserves to know about this other person who you have invited into her life. You don't know what sort of tack your ow could take. She could lash out, and your wife deserves to have the opportunity to prepare herself for that. It can and does happen, and when it does, it can be really messy.

 

I expect you'll brush off what I say because it's not sympathetic, but you have gotten into a adult situation, so you need to man up.

Edited by wmacbride
  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If she has any feelings for you I don't think she would try to get you fired from your job? What would she gain from that?

 

Justice? Sense of peace?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...