In need of support/ / to do what I need to

[sadsickandscared]

Hi, Ive just finished reading a number of threads and the similarity to my situation is terrifying. Amazing how we all think what we have is different or special but yet affairs have some many common themes. I have got myself into a shocking position and despite many efforts to get out of it just cant seem to stay strong enough. I am a MW with 3 kids, he is a MM with 1. We have a major conflict of interest professionally as I am in a way a client. This will cost me everything I just know it. It started as innocent flirting, then to sexting, then we met up, kissed, kissed again - it screwed us both us. But eventually the sexual tension broke and we slept together in the back of a car. This hasn't happened quickly, its been nearly 5 months so far. We have since kissed, messed around and broke it off so many times it does my head in. I confessed to my H about a month ago but still cant bring myself to end it. I want to but don't want to. Hate myself daily yet one text and I want him again. I keep pushing MM so hard to hate me and let me go but he always comes back with lines like he doesn't want to lose our friendship. I have never pushed a male like this but at the same time I have never felt so comfortable/connected with someone. I'm not stupid I know what I am feeling cant be real but it feels it and I hurt unbelievable. It has really done both of our heads in. His marriage was on the rocks when we started, mine wasn't so bad, I was emotionally distant but we were ok. He has run hot and cold throughout the affair and appeared to really struggle with the concept of affair. If I was honest he has more than me. Ive been prepared to lie to see him etc but its only every turned out when convenient for him and feels like he holds all the cards. After our foolish night in the car I told him I needed to have him contact me soon after as I would flip out having not been with anyone else for 16 years.... he didn't but he left he wife that weekend to get some space as he couldn't handle how he felt. His wife wants to work on their marriage. I dont think she has any awareness of us. But I spat the dummy re: him not keeping his word to me and he came and said he couldn't continue that it was messing him up. I agreed to leave it as I honestly care and wanted to be friends but the drawn and chemistry between us hasn't stopped. A number of times we have kissed since but he iniatlly blamed me. We have broken it off so many times and 3 weeks ago I said I needed NC for my sanity (after agreeing to being friends without benefits for his sanity). I wanted him to let me go, told him what the impact was on me. It got exhausting and frustrating and I honestly was ready to walk away but he told me ok that he would give me what I needed. Told him what I needed from him... We had an incredible 'date' night 2 weeks later and then made plans for another. After not hearing from him I sent him a text a 6pm asking what our plans were - he stood me up. I should explain he has a very senior role and works enormous hours. I could understand something came up but he didn't text me and I again lost it at him and told him how disrespectful etc. I had lied and couldn't even go home. Since then he has tried to text more but I feel like a puppet and he pulls the strings. I need this to end. But due to our work/client relationship I need to be so careful. I need to also want this. I'm not stupid and don't deserve to be treated like this and god knows my husband doesn't deserve me treating him like this. Im such a mess. I have lost 15kg over the last 5 months and I am so unhappy. Yet why cant I break this addiction. The fleeting happiness isn't worth it. I genuinely don't think he is trying to hurt me but he knows he is and isn't letting me go. He is being selfish and I'm letting him! I need some help. Please. I know and understand the judgement but I have fallen for him and need to create some support and direction so I can distance myself and not lose the greatest work opportunity of my life let alone my family. My H is being so supportive. He knows the state I am and is trying to help where he can but I feel like I am suffocating everyday.

[JewelD]

Counseling might help. But you need to stop trying to be friends with this guy. Obviously you two are not capable of being platonic friends, which is understandable since you've been sleeping together. It has to be a clean cut. If you deal with him for work, so be it, but you shouldn't have any other contact with him.

 

Probably a good idea to stop trying to push your husband away too. If he decides to leave you and 'let you go', it's unlikely your MM will be waiting with open arms.

[whatatangledweb]

As the client, how would you be in trouble? Usually the client is safe and the employee is fired. If you want out then stop contacting him and pick someone to work with. You can not be friends with someone you had an affair with. You also don't have date nights with friends.

[sadsickandscared]

Its a little complicated. My organisation is his client and he is my consultant. On a very major project which he is the boss of.

 

 

I'm the one that tried to let the friendship go. He doesn't want to and always reaches out and pulls me back in. Perfect example we were chatting last night - he was distant and I left it with a comment like Im not sure you are ok... he just texted to say thanks for thinking of me last night its nice.

 

 

We also 3 weeks ago decided to get to know each other more and be more than friends hence the date night. But he goes so hot and cold it does my head in yet he wont cut contact

Edited September 20, 2016 by sadsickandscared

[malvern99]

Ive been prepared to lie to see him etc but its only every turned out when convenient for him and feels like he holds all the cards.

 

Read that line again. How long do you want to be the type of person who has no problem doing that? Only you can decide the answer to that question.

 

After our foolish night in the car I told him I needed to have him contact me soon after as I would flip out having not been with anyone else for 16 years.... he didn't but he left he wife that weekend to get some space as he couldn't handle how he felt.

 

Why would he call you? He got what he wanted, and your pestering him lets him know you are at his beck and call. Why put work in for something you KNOW you can get for free?

 

We had an incredible 'date' night 2 weeks later and then made plans for another. After not hearing from him I sent him a text a 6pm asking what our plans were - he stood me up. I should explain he has a very senior role and works enormous hours. I could understand something came up but he didn't text me and I again lost it at him and told him how disrespectful etc. I had lied and couldn't even go home.

 

Again, why would he put the work in? Real relationships take work and work is hard. He knows he has you by the short and curlies so he can do what he pleases because he knows you'll do nothing about it. How long do you want to continue being a person whose word is meaningless?

 

I need this to end. But due to our work/client relationship I need to be so careful. I need to also want this. I'm not stupid and don't deserve to be treated like this and god knows my husband doesn't deserve me treating him like this.

 

What's more important to you? The well being of your family or your "work/client relationship". If you need this to end, you know what you have to do. Sit your betrayed spouse down and tell him the whole truth. Tell him you have found your "soulmate" (who you have known for a few months) and you are ready to burn everything you and he have worked for over the past 10+ years down to the ground because you have no self control when it comes to your AP. Ask him for a divorce so he can find someone who is as attracted and obsessed with him as you are with AP, and you can can chase your AP unencumbered. I mean, that's really the fair thing to do because life is short, and every day he wastes thinking his spouse made a mistake and copped to it but is trying to do right by him is a day wasted. You will only be treated how you allow yourself to be treated. Unfortunately, the same holds true for your poor BH.

 

Im such a mess. I have lost 15kg over the last 5 months and I am so unhappy. Yet why cant I break this addiction. The fleeting happiness isn't worth it. I genuinely don't think he is trying to hurt me but he knows he is and isn't letting me go. He is being selfish and I'm letting him!

 

He's being selfish? Really? Pot meet kettle. If he is being selfish, how are you behaving? You were lucky enough to have a BS who replied your betrayal with grace and understanding. There are many cheaters who would give up a limb to have the chance you were given. Yet you choose to continue repaying your BS's grace in the face of horror with more betrayal. AP may not be trying to hurt you, but you are trying to hurt your BS, and you are succeeding. The poor bastard doesn't even know it yet.

 

I need some help. Please. I know and understand the judgement but I have fallen for him and need to create some support and direction so I can distance myself and not lose the greatest work opportunity of my life let alone my family. My H is being so supportive. He knows the state I am and is trying to help where he can but I feel like I am suffocating everyday.

 

There is no judgement here. Calling a spade a spade is not judgement in my eyes. If you've fallen for AP, let your BH know and allow him the dignity to make a decision on his future with all the relevant information. It's the least he deserves. You have been with him for more than a decade I assume, and if you want throw that away for someone you've known for a couple months then go right ahead. Just do it authentically, with no lying. Give your BH and father of your children that much respect. It's the least he deserves. Best of luck to you.

[ShatteredLady]

How did your husband react when you told him? Did he already have his suspicions or was it a complete blindside to him? Have you told your H that you've dumped the OM or does he just assume that it's over & you're not correcting him?

 

 

If the OM divorced his wife & asked you to do the same & build a life with him would you....would you leave your H for him?

 

That's a test of your feelings about your family. You know what you stand to loose. You know how different your life would be. You've seen your H's pain & that wasn't enough to stop you....

 

Out of interest, do you feel that you've lost some respect for your H? Did you know he would stay or did part of you hope he might leave when you confessed?

[sadsickandscared]

How did your husband react when you told him? Did he already have his suspicions or was it a complete blindside to him? Have you told your H that you've dumped the OM or does he just assume that it's over & you're not correcting him?

 

 

He was shocked by in hindsight not surprised. He felt very guilty re: comments/requests I had made about us growing apart etc. Husband understands that I am very torn and that I have feelings for AP, but yes he thinks we are in contact but not "on" I'm not actually sure if we are or aren't at the moment. Getting lots of mixed messages from AP. I think he is struggling as well. He doesn't know about the last two times AP and I have seen each other.

 

 

If the OM divorced his wife & asked you to do the same & build a life with him would you....would you leave your H for him? I'm not sure - that is what we were trying to work out by spending more time together but not sleeping with each other.

 

That's a test of your feelings about your family. You know what you stand to loose. You know how different your life would be. You've seen your H's pain & that wasn't enough to stop you.... I KNOW - seems so hard to stop though. Love BS a lot and never planned to hurt him

 

Out of interest, do you feel that you've lost some respect for your H? Did you know he would stay or did part of you hope he might leave when you confessed? I'm not sure to be honest. Partly. One of the issues I had was that I had felt invisible to him, him being so supportive in a way doesn't help that. But he knows me well and is a great friend. He knows pushing me will push me away.

[sadsickandscared]

What do I do when AP asks simple questions like How are you? etc etc. He is going hot/cold and I'm over it. But I have ended it and gone back so many times that I just want some distance without a statement. Plus we need to be on ok terms for work. I think he is conflicted but its messing me around

[sadsickandscared]

Well I actually just made a big call - well it feels like one anyway. I really politely text AP and said that I think he needs to look after himself at the moment as lots of mixed messages and I'm concerned re: him. Also said it isn't good for me and leaves me confused, anxious etc. Also said I wasn't angry etc. It might sound like a cop out to some of you but I want to go easy. I need to make sure he is ok and I am ok. I care. But I also need to detach and try harder to work out the status of my marriage and let him process whatever is going on with his. I'm not cut out for this type of head games.

 

 

How can it feel like you have lost something you never had??

[malvern99]

Well I actually just made a big call - well it feels like one anyway. I really politely text AP and said that I think he needs to look after himself at the moment as lots of mixed messages and I'm concerned re: him. Also said it isn't good for me and leaves me confused, anxious etc. Also said I wasn't angry etc. It might sound like a cop out to some of you but I want to go easy. I need to make sure he is ok and I am ok. I care. But I also need to detach and try harder to work out the status of my marriage and let him process whatever is going on with his. I'm not cut out for this type of head games.

 

 

How can it feel like you have lost something you never had??

 

I've had a couple beers tonight so my filter is likely turned off. So, I'm not trying to be mean about this, but take this how you please.

 

It's good you are being polite to your AP while you are pooping in your BH's mouth. Maybe one day, when your BH wakes up and sees what is happening in his life and walks away, your AP will remember how polite and caring you were. That's what's important after all right. AP's feelings (known for a few months) are more important to you than your BH's (10 years +relationship) well being. If it weren't so fu*king tragic, this situation would be hilarious.

 

Do you have any respect for your betrayed spouse OP, or is he just a place holder? Good luck.

[sadsickandscared]

I understand that response, and deserve it.

 

 

I just feel something for him and yes never should have and never wanted to. Of course I care about husband. Its not that simple but agree it should be

[malvern99]

Please forgive me if my responses were out of line. It's just that watching people set fire to all they love and cherish for the most despicable of reasons is the most tragic thing any person can witness. On its face, throwing away a 10+ year marriage for someone you've known for a few months is laughable. How well can you truly get to know someone in a few months? 10+ year husband has seen you at your absolute worst and has made a conscious choice to stay with you. You on the other hand have decided he means nothing to you to the point where lying to him to get with AP is no big deal. You can say you love him and respect him all you want, but the proof is in the pudding. Your actions say AP is number 1, and the father of your children is number 2.

 

If you married a good man, then I assure you, he has been tempted by other women in his life, but he has turned them down. You see, if he is a good man, then you were always the destination. Unfortunately in your eyes right now, BS is just part of your journey. Ask BS for a divorce so you can be free to pursue AP seeing as he is all that and a bag of chips. Both of you vowed to forsake all others. It's too bad only one of you thought those words meant something. Good luck.

[whatatangledweb]

Your text to him seems more like since he is sending you mixed messages and it upsets you that he needs to change that. It doesn't seem like a friend text or a get back on track to how you were before the affair text.

[sadsickandscared]

There ended up many many texts. He is messed up about his marriage and being very selfish which I can understand. But I can't handle this anymore. He wants friends and to keep the connection but I can't. I know how I feel. Just can't. Feel sick. Got home so flat and hubby so supportive and worried about me. Just can't do this. But a huge part of me is reeling in feelings of loss and confusion. Just want to feel happy again

[whatatangledweb]

You need to text him and only say We are going back to an only working relationship. No matter what he says or writes you , only answer if it concerns work. You will mourn the loss but the only way to get back to being happy again is to end it and work through your emotions without including him. This back and forth will fix nothing and prolong your unhappiness.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hi, Ive just finished reading a number of threads and the similarity to my situation is terrifying. Amazing how we all think what we have is different or special but yet affairs have some many common themes. I have got myself into a shocking position and despite many efforts to get out of it just cant seem to stay strong enough. I am a MW with 3 kids, he is a MM with 1. We have a major conflict of interest professionally as I am in a way a client. This will cost me everything I just know it. It started as innocent flirting, then to sexting, then we met up, kissed, kissed again - it screwed us both us. But eventually the sexual tension broke and we slept together in the back of a car. This hasn't happened quickly, its been nearly 5 months so far. We have since kissed, messed around and broke it off so many times it does my head in. I confessed to my H about a month ago but still cant bring myself to end it. I want to but don't want to. Hate myself daily yet one text and I want him again. I keep pushing MM so hard to hate me and let me go but he always comes back with lines like he doesn't want to lose our friendship. I have never pushed a male like this but at the same time I have never felt so comfortable/connected with someone. I'm not stupid I know what I am feeling cant be real but it feels it and I hurt unbelievable. It has really done both of our heads in. His marriage was on the rocks when we started, mine wasn't so bad, I was emotionally distant but we were ok. He has run hot and cold throughout the affair and appeared to really struggle with the concept of affair. If I was honest he has more than me. Ive been prepared to lie to see him etc but its only every turned out when convenient for him and feels like he holds all the cards. After our foolish night in the car I told him I needed to have him contact me soon after as I would flip out having not been with anyone else for 16 years.... he didn't but he left he wife that weekend to get some space as he couldn't handle how he felt. His wife wants to work on their marriage. I dont think she has any awareness of us. But I spat the dummy re: him not keeping his word to me and he came and said he couldn't continue that it was messing him up. I agreed to leave it as I honestly care and wanted to be friends but the drawn and chemistry between us hasn't stopped. A number of times we have kissed since but he iniatlly blamed me. We have broken it off so many times and 3 weeks ago I said I needed NC for my sanity (after agreeing to being friends without benefits for his sanity). I wanted him to let me go, told him what the impact was on me. It got exhausting and frustrating and I honestly was ready to walk away but he told me ok that he would give me what I needed. Told him what I needed from him... We had an incredible 'date' night 2 weeks later and then made plans for another. After not hearing from him I sent him a text a 6pm asking what our plans were - he stood me up. I should explain he has a very senior role and works enormous hours. I could understand something came up but he didn't text me and I again lost it at him and told him how disrespectful etc. I had lied and couldn't even go home. Since then he has tried to text more but I feel like a puppet and he pulls the strings. I need this to end. But due to our work/client relationship I need to be so careful. I need to also want this. I'm not stupid and don't deserve to be treated like this and god knows my husband doesn't deserve me treating him like this. Im such a mess. I have lost 15kg over the last 5 months and I am so unhappy. Yet why cant I break this addiction. The fleeting happiness isn't worth it. I genuinely don't think he is trying to hurt me but he knows he is and isn't letting me go. He is being selfish and I'm letting him! I need some help. Please. I know and understand the judgement but I have fallen for him and need to create some support and direction so I can distance myself and not lose the greatest work opportunity of my life let alone my family. My H is being so supportive. He knows the state I am and is trying to help where he can but I feel like I am suffocating everyday.

 

I am struggling with my own demons but your story called to me because i see a lot of similarity in what we are both going through. You want your MM to let you go because you don't think you are strong enough to walk away on your own. I struggled with this too about 5 months into my 1 year affair. I wanted HIM to be the bad guy and walk away because then i could hate him and move on. It isn't going to work like that. Your MM is getting what he wants from you and will keep you right where you are with sweet words just when he needs to say them. He is addicted to how you make him feel- he is a coward and right now so are you. You can make the choice to not be a coward anymore and be a strong woman. You can do this- this board is filled with woman who have pulled themselves out of this and so can you.

 

You are strong enough to walk away- you are. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, or maybe it just takes a lot of pain and you finally reach your breaking point. I can't tell you but it sounds like you really aren't ready to walk away from your MM. It sounds like you are trying to manipulate the situation so you can 'walk' away and he can chase you - the Push/Pull part of the affair. I am not judging I went through this phase too and it was the part that eventually broke me.

 

Did you tell your husband the full truth? How is he still trusting you to go out with friends if he knows you have had an affair? What exactly does your husband know- this is where I am confused?

 

Here is what i have learned so far- take it for what it is worth. Your MM isn't going to leave his wife for you. Maybe he cares for you maybe he doesn't I still don't know the answer to that yet. BUT what i do know is that he doesn't love you enough but your husband loves you WAY more than you can even imagine. It is a mature love that has grown over the years and can keep growing but you have to let this guy go and walk away. It is okay to have feelings there admit that and then choose to let them go. But all of this is a choice you have to make and you are strong enough to make that choice.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Your husband didn't ask who you were seeing? And didn't tell his wife?

[BuddyX]

I've had a couple beers tonight so my filter is likely turned off. So, I'm not trying to be mean about this, but take this how you please.

 

It's good you are being polite to your AP while you are pooping in your BH's mouth. Maybe one day, when your BH wakes up and sees what is happening in his life and walks away, your AP will remember how polite and caring you were. That's what's important after all right. AP's feelings (known for a few months) are more important to you than your BH's (10 years +relationship) well being. If it weren't so fu*king tragic, this situation would be hilarious.

 

Do you have any respect for your betrayed spouse OP, or is he just a place holder? Good luck.

 

Mal, but by her hubby being supportive she has no respect for him. That's why she keeps going back to MM. Her husband has no B@lls.

 

To the OP, if your husband came to you and said "if you don't stop with the MM I'm divorcing you and taking the kids" that little Fog your in would quickly disappear. You would beg on your knees and would quit your job in a heartbeat.

 

And I want to repeat what you wrote. You had sex with the MM in the backseat of a car. Repear that one aloud.

 

You're a wife and a mom. HS kids pull that $hit. You're better than this. NC with the MM is your only option.

[BTDT2012]

I confessed to my H about a month ago but still cant bring myself to end it.

 

So you want to keep feeding your husband the **** sandwich. And you are letting him believe its over. When your husband figures out you are still betraying him things will get much worse. Get yourself into counseling to figure out what's broken in you.

 

And I want to repeat what you wrote. You had sex with the MM in the backseat of a car.

A grown man who has respect for you doesn't have sex with you in the back seat of a car.

 

Are you really willing to lose your job and your family over this?

[sandylee1]

Is it the attention of another man?

 

Something missing or no love for your husband that led to your affair?

 

You've gone from getting married ...... vowing to be faithful ..... love and cherish .... having kids .... to sex in the back of a car.... with a man who isn't your husbandand is also married

 

You need some counselling. See if you really want your marriage and be fair to your DH. Let him go... as you want MM to let you go. He deserves a wife who isn't lusting after another man.

 

Your actions aren't those of a wife who has love or respect for her husband. I agree with the poster who said words equivalent to your BH not having the guts or being strong enough. You see him as weak.

[Scarletwolf]

 

 

A grown man who has respect for you doesn't have sex with you in the back seat of a car

 

This bears so much truth in it. They wouldn't keep you secret if they were truly invested in you. They keep you secret when you are an embarrassment, the "what everyone should never know about in my life, but I still wanna have because I can"

[BluesPower]

So here is my standard speech that I give to all the woman that are in your situation. Some of the reasons that you should listen to me is that 1) I am a far bigger POS than you are, 2) I have been a BS, 3) I have been a womanizing POS cheater.

 

A) Your OM does not love you, end of story. Never did, never will. He likes you, he loves the ego boast that your "Love" gives to him, and he likes screwing you. He will never leave his wife and start a new life with you. No matter how great you think that would be, if you do, it would not work out in the long run. Trust me on that. All the mixed signals are total BS. It is just what they do.

 

B) One of my recent other women just went through this heartbreak stuff about how she loved me and all that. Now for me don't lie to them, I mean you got to have some standards. Never told them loved them. And they still fell in love.

 

You really think you love him but you don't. You will figure that out in a few months but it will hurt like hell until then. And, even then you will still hurt and miss the connection.

 

C) If you don't love your husband, for the love of god divorce him. Then you can probably find someone that may really love you and want to be with you.

 

D) If you love your husband and the want your family and your marriage to be there, THEN KNOCK THIS S*** OFF, NOW. Even the most mild manned husbands have a breaking point and I am guessing that your husband my be getting there. Once he does, it is over.

 

E) You really may not be able to fix this even if your husband wants you to stay with you, frankly, you just sound too selfish. But at least have the decency to divorce your husband so he can have time to grow a pair of balls before his next relationship.

 

None of this is judgment from me, most of you guys are not really in the same league that I am in when it comes to being a POS.

 

But really, try to pull your head out and realize that the things I am telling you are true.

 

Good luck...

[awkward]

This push/pull is part of the affair roller coaster. You can ride it out over the next several years until you are finally content with what he can give you or you can get off the ride now.

 

I am curious. When you say your husband knows. What exactly does he know? Does your husband know the whole truth?

[sadsickandscared]

Wow - so many comments there. Not sure where to start.

 

 

Yes husband knows everything and yes he knows we are still in contact. He is an incredible person who knows me very well. He knows if he forces the issue I will run. He is doing what he can to support and be there and so strength for our family. I love and respect him and appreciate my actions haven't been focused on him. Re: still seeing MM it was only done to ensure I knew what I wanted before I did it. Might not make sense but I know plenty of people who have turned their and their kids lives upside down for a mistake. I was and am trying to avoid that.

 

 

MM left his wife today. I am not the reason - they had had major problems for the last 3 years. MM and I have agreed to end it for now as he is overwhelmed with his situation. I am fully supportive of that. I am actually so concerned re: his wellbeing. Yes I should also be worried about my husband and I am but MM is a wreck atm and I care.

 

 

Re: sex in the back of a car - wasn't planned and there is a lot of respect between us. It was passion and yes a mistake but I'm not copping that there wasn't respect.

 

 

We spent 3 hours together yesterday talking and working through things. At our core is a level of care for each other and a desire for the other to be happy. We have never wanted to hurt each other or our families. I have no clue whatever will happen we have walked away from that side and I'm hurting but I respect his needs. Yes it would be easier to be NC, but with our work that awkwardness would be something I couldn't handle and seeing him I don't want to not be there to be a friend. Just saw him in a meeting today and he isn't ok. What he is going through is huge and I respect that entirely.

[sadsickandscared]

Also I think his wife also knows.

 

 

I just want the two of us to be ok. As in both mentally ok. Not sure either of us are. Its messed both of us up. Both of us have been unhappy in our marriages for a long time, but not wanting to leave or upset our kids. This isn't about us being together. They are separate issues as I doubt we would work out. If anything our situations are too similar and I can relate to what he is going through. I CARE

 

 

I am upset that we are over but I am more worried about him.

 

 

One other things re: sex/respect - trust me I wouldn't have pushed him away and once in 5 months actually shows a lot of respect and that we were trying to control this. And trust me there has been enough frustration. He has held that back and seeing him so torn yesterday nearly broke me. I want him happy, with me or not I want us to be happy.

Edited September 22, 2016 by sadsickandscared