OM and EW: What's the healthiest way to do this?

[TunaInTheBrine]

She has been in a relationship for 10 years, and engaged the last three of those 10 years without a wedding date set still. They were monogamous until this year when he actually suggested they open things up because he was too busy with work to sexually please her and give her attention. She started seeing me a couple of months ago and we're totally on fire so far. Her fiancé is happy for her when she spends time with me, and even encourages her to spend time with me. It's a little strange, and she's a little pissed that he's not more jealous, but it works for all of us right now.

 

Initially, she was only planning on having a side relationship with me. Once I suggested to her that I didn't believe she was going to marry him if it'd been this long without a wedding date and now with them growing more apart. She said that made her think, and the more we spent time together the more she started dropping a few hints that she may consider leaving him, not immediately right now, but not far away either because she's getting older and wants to have kids at some point too. She has also been pouring on the sappy talk with me. We're falling in love. We've already gone on a couple of mini-vacations together and spend probably 2-3 nights together a week sleeping at my place. We have a blast. The sex is mind-blowing. The communication is good. We've had a few arguments, but for the most part things have gone really well. We're trying to be smart and not rush things, but we both feel there could potentially be something promising between us if things go well over time.

 

I want to know what others think the healthiest attitude and approach for me would be in this situation. I'd appreciate if you could indicate in your response what experience you have related to my situation too. If it helps to know, I'm currently dating one other woman (who I'm not into nearly as much as the Engaged Woman [EW]). My thinking is to not build up strong expectations around the EW, keep my options open until if/when she decides to leave him and chooses me (i.e. I shouldn't pressure her into anything), and keep having fun with her when we spend time together.

Edited September 16, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Patrice]

she is supposed to marry, that is healthy or fulfilling. What do YOU want? What are your intentions towards her?

[burnt]

My background: xOW of a MM who was in need of fixing his marriage. They had been drifting for a while. His affair with me was never discovered, but the affair had strengthened his marriage.

 

Stories after stories after stories...with the same theme. The married person engages in an affair, then the very bent dysfunctional dynamic of the affair makes him/her have a period of high, following a "self-awaking" and a desire to want to rekindle their original dysfunctional marriage. End result: the married person drops OW/OM and works on the marriage, while the OW/OM gets used and destroyed.

 

You truly have NO idea what you have stepped into, until it will completely wipe you out. For now, it will feel like a mind blowing relationship and it will continue to be this way, only progressively becoming more intense.

 

I can only warn you, but you unfortunately have to walk on this dead-end road yourself to find out how deep this dark hellish tunnel runs and how much damage you are setting yourself up for.

 

Nobody in here will be able to make you imagine the pain, humiliation, and hurt this woman can cause you.

 

These two people are using you as a male escort and you think you have not much to lose at this point. How exactly will you feel when you get dumped and she fixes her marriage at the cost of your heartbreak? For now you will think you will be able to manage your emotional attachment, but something about the dynamic of an affair will make you very attached to her emotionally, as more time passes.

 

Tuna, drop her. I know, reading your posts, you have been looking, and looking, but she is BAD news. Find someone single and someone who is fully willing to be committed to you, instead of using you as a temporary solution to fix her 10 year old relationship.

 

If you absolutely want to be involved with her, ask her to end things with her fiancé and proceed slowly ONCE she has completely cut off things with this other man.

[central]

My thinking is to not build up strong expectations around the EW, keep my options open until if/when she decides to leave him and chooses me (i.e. I shouldn't pressure her into anything), and keep having fun with her when we spend time together.

 

This sounds like a good approach. Unless she leaves him and breaks the engagement, you have nothing concrete. Even then, take things through a normal dating cycle before getting too serious, and until she leaves him and wants to commit to you, keep dating (although probably not the current, less appealing person). If you don't have options during the time she's deciding, you may end up with no one. That's okay, of course, and you still need to be fair and honest with anyone else you are dating (at least if you decide on a serious relationship - EW will have to go, or you'll have to agree to something non-exclusive).

[TunaInTheBrine]

My background: xOW of a MM who was in need of fixing his marriage. They had been drifting for a while. His affair with me was never discovered, but the affair had strengthened his marriage.

 

Stories after stories after stories...with the same theme. The married person engages in an affair, then the very bent dysfunctional dynamic of the affair makes him/her have a period of high, following a "self-awaking" and a desire to want to rekindle their original dysfunctional marriage. End result: the married person drops OW/OM and works on the marriage, while the OW/OM gets used and destroyed.

 

You truly have NO idea what you have stepped into, until it will completely wipe you out. For now, it will feel like a mind blowing relationship and it will continue to be this way, only progressively becoming more intense.

 

I can only warn you, but you unfortunately have to walk on this dead-end road yourself to find out how deep this dark hellish tunnel runs and how much damage you are setting yourself up for.

 

Nobody in here will be able to make you imagine the pain, humiliation, and hurt this woman can cause you.

 

These two people are using you as a male escort and you think you have not much to lose at this point. How exactly will you feel when you get dumped and she fixes her marriage at the cost of your heartbreak? For now you will think you will be able to manage your emotional attachment, but something about the dynamic of an affair will make you very attached to her emotionally, as more time passes.

 

Tuna, drop her. I know, reading your posts, you have been looking, and looking, but she is BAD news. Find someone single and someone who is fully willing to be committed to you, instead of using you as a temporary solution to fix her 10 year old relationship.

 

If you absolutely want to be involved with her, ask her to end things with her fiancé and proceed slowly ONCE she has completely cut off things with this other man.

 

Sorry to hear about your story. Yes, there is a lot of risk for pain and hurt in these type of situations. This is exactly why I'm posting. I do not want to put myself in a position where I expect her to leave him for me and then she doesn't. I don't believe the only way to do that though is to not see her. I'd like this person to be in my life and let things go where they're supposed to while I continue to see other women.

 

Maybe the other part about what you said about emotional attachment and managing that is what I'm really here to get advice on. I think it's impossible to not get attached, but I feel there must be a way to experience bonding and still keep other lovers in your life without having to go into an all-or-nothing arrangement.

[TunaInTheBrine]

This sounds like a good approach. Unless she leaves him and breaks the engagement, you have nothing concrete. Even then, take things through a normal dating cycle before getting too serious, and until she leaves him and wants to commit to you, keep dating (although probably not the current, less appealing person). If you don't have options during the time she's deciding, you may end up with no one. That's okay, of course, and you still need to be fair and honest with anyone else you are dating (at least if you decide on a serious relationship - EW will have to go, or you'll have to agree to something non-exclusive).

 

Exactly, thanks. My thinking is even IF she left him, I'd expect her to go through a back and forth phase ("did I do the right thing?"), move out on her own or with a friend, and all that stuff. Maybe she'd even want to date other guys besides me to make sure she knows what she wants. Who knows? I definitely see the risks, but absolutely will not cut her out at this point because I see some potential. I'd still like to get to know her over time, date other women, and see where it goes. But yeah, I like her a lot! Just want to play it smart like a man and not hope for too much.

[aileD]

Listen, you're breaking the cardinal rule of open relationships: Not respecting the primary relationship.

 

She needs to be honest with herself and figure out what SHE wants, outside of anything you do or feel. If she's going to leave the relationship, she shouldn't be talking about it with you. She shouldn't leave FOR you, she should leave if she feels she would leave even if you didn't exist.

 

You should back off....or, since it's a different dynamic with the open relationship, at lest don't put all....or any...of your eggs in one basket. Don't let her get emotional with you. Direct her back to her primary realationship when she opens up about that, don't make he any promises or talk about any fiture you might have together.

 

Also, when he finds out he's probably going to punch you so watch out.

Edited September 16, 2016 by aileD
Spellcheck

[central]

I agree with aileD. Be sure that if she leaves her relationship, she is doing that because it's the right choice for her, and it's NOT because she thinks you're there to catch her. That what happens later will depend on how dating goes when she is a free agent.

[oceansaway]

Sorry but sounds like a open relationship and her man is a cuckold. She/they may just be using you for their enjoyment. Don't get caught up in that! Walk away

[MissBee]

I think the problem with lots of affairs and even this scenario is that usually it ends up being unbalanced and one person usually gets the short end of the deal, and it's usually the single person.

 

I've been the OW, and no matter what the person says, until they make a decision, you are often going along for a ride that won't end well if you ultimately want an exclusive commitment from them. Many people, and this woman too sounds the same, are bored, fed-up, having issues in their primary relationship, and find it exciting, comforting, an escape to have a new person who is simply different and adds some of what they're missing....but this doesn't always translate into them being willing to overturn their whole life or change the status quo. Many are happy with you being a supplement as long as you allow it, but will bail if you require more. And sappy talk means nothing...you can't take it to the bank, so to speak.

 

I cannot tell you not to get too invested, because it's too late for that, but I think you have to try as best as possible to be clear about what you want and prioritize your wishes and boundaries about what you want, what is realistic etc. and not just buy into everything. Don't plan for a future with her until she takes action to end things with her fiance. However, the hard part is many OW (myself included) and OM think they can just do it "a little" but don't see that spending 3 nights a week, sleeping with this person, talking everyday, having basically a relationship while saying "Oh it's just fun..." isn't honest...this stuff is what makes you bond and attach and have expectations and it's almost impossible to do this kind of stuff and think that you will just be able to walk away with no fanfare or not want more.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I think the problem with lots of affairs and even this scenario is that usually it ends up being unbalanced and one person usually gets the short end of the deal, and it's usually the single person.

 

I've been the OW, and no matter what the person says, until they make a decision, you are often going along for a ride that won't end well if you ultimately want an exclusive commitment from them. Many people, and this woman too sounds the same, are bored, fed-up, having issues in their primary relationship, and find it exciting, comforting, an escape to have a new person who is simply different and adds some of what they're missing....but this doesn't always translate into them being willing to overturn their whole life or change the status quo. Many are happy with you being a supplement as long as you allow it, but will bail if you require more. And sappy talk means nothing...you can't take it to the bank, so to speak.

 

I cannot tell you not to get too invested, because it's too late for that, but I think you have to try as best as possible to be clear about what you want and prioritize your wishes and boundaries about what you want, what is realistic etc. and not just buy into everything. Don't plan for a future with her until she takes action to end things with her fiance. However, the hard part is many OW (myself included) and OM think they can just do it "a little" but don't see that spending 3 nights a week, sleeping with this person, talking everyday, having basically a relationship while saying "Oh it's just fun..." isn't honest...this stuff is what makes you bond and attach and have expectations and it's almost impossible to do this kind of stuff and think that you will just be able to walk away with no fanfare or not want more.

 

Thanks for the perspective. Yeah, I think expectations can really be a thing. I think I'm fortunate in that I know I have mate value. It keeps me balanced enough to not feel dependent. If circumstances play out as such that we wind up together, that's great.... but it seems foolish to hope at this point. She's a beauty, and I love her energy. Ultimately though, I know it's not in my hands. I somehow trust that whatever's meant to be will.