Having affair with high school classmate, now she is looking for long relationship

[Wine]

I married for 15 years now and have 2 kids under 10 years old. My wife and I are regular couple. We were introduced by friends at that time when we were both looking for a marriage. Nothing is fancy.

 

This summer, NY (I call this girl) found me through Internet. She was my high school classmate. She used be my special girl back to high school. She is smart, beauty, sexy in my eye at that time. But we never get chance to be friends, we both shy and never expressed interesting to each. She is living in Europe now by herself. She used have a marriage about 15 years ago and broken after 3 years.

 

 

 

 

 

When she found me on the internet, we start chatting constantly for few days. And then we discovered we used love each other at least like each other.

 

 

 

Soon, after few weeks, we decided to meet even fly to America from Europe is a long and exhausted trip. Because we simply just want. We stay together and I cheat my wife to work another city for 2 weeks. This time, since we are all 40s, we get into hotel and had sex everyday. We both agree the sex life are best ever for both of us. You can imagine the love between us become more real.

 

After the 2 weeks, she flew back to Europe. We start discuss to go together. I mean she want me to go to Europe to live with her.

 

I am not a good story teller. But my current situation is if I do want to live with her, I have to divorce first and split with my be loved kids. I do want to live with her. But I cannot imagine to leave my kids. She convince me kids will be understand me to find the true love, kids will be ok. She also think she can take care them for me as she do want kids anyway. But I know I have little to none chance to have kids with me if I divorced. Also I think divorce with hurt my wife a lot (maybe).

 

What should I do?

Edited September 15, 2016 by Wine

[MidnightBlue1980]

I married for 15 years now and have 2 kids under 10 years old. My wife and I are regular couple. We were introduced by friends at that time when we were both looking for a marriage. Nothing is fancy.

 

This summer, NY (I call this girl) found me through Internet. She was my high school classmate. She used be my special girl back to high school. She is smart, beauty, sexy in my eye at that time. But we never get chance to be friends, we both shy and never expressed interesting to each. She is living in Europe now by herself. She used have a marriage about 15 years ago and broken after 3 years.

 

When she found me on the internet, we start chatting constantly for few days. And then we discovered we used love each other at least like each other.

 

Soon, after few weeks, we decided to meet even fly to America from Europe is a long and exhausted trip. Because we simply just want. We stay together and I cheat my wife to work another city for 2 weeks. This time, since we are all 40s, we get into hotel and had sex everyday. We both agree the sex life are best ever for both of us. You can imagine the love between us become more real.

 

After the 2 weeks, she flew back to Europe. We start discuss to go together. I mean she want me to go to Europe to live with her.

 

I am not a good story teller. But my current situation is if I do want to live with her, I have to divorce first and split with my be loved kids. I do want to live with her. But I cannot imagine to leave my kids. She convince me kids will be understand me to find the true love, kids will be ok. She also think she can take care them for me as she do want kids anyway. But I know I have little to none chance to have kids with me if I divorced. Also I think divorce with hurt my wife a lot (maybe).

 

What should I do?

 

Hello there Wine. I could write a bunch on why what you are feeling is not real, how it's fantasy and you don't really know this other woman, how you are in your 40s, like me, so it's probably an early mid life crisis, but I know how you must feel, it feels very real to you.

 

So I ask - before you remet this woman, how were things at home? Were you unhappy? Did you want to leave?

 

I can't tell what country you are from so I can't comment on the kids/divorce thing.

[anika99]

Your kids will absolutely NOT understand you abandoning them to go shack up with the othe woman in a different country and if your OW gave a damn about your children there is no way she would even make such a suggestion. What a selfish heartless woman. Why can't she move to your country so that you can stay in your children's lives? It's not your kids responsibility to sacrafice their happiness for yours. It always cracks me up when parents are doing something to hurt their kids while saying their kids will be happy to be hurt for the sake of seeing their parents happy. How asanine and how twisted. As horrible as your OW is for suggesting you abandon your children you are even more horrible for considering it. You don't have to stay married. Leave your wife for your selfish OW if that's what you really want, but you do not leave your children. Your first priority is stay near your kids and be a decent father. Grow up.

[goodyblue]

Your kids will absolutely NOT understand you abandoning them to go shack up with the othe woman in a different country and if your OW gave a damn about your children there is no way she would even make such a suggestion. What a selfish heartless woman. Why can't she move to your country so that you can stay in your children's lives? It's not your kids responsibility to sacrafice their happiness for yours. It always cracks me up when parents are doing something to hurt their kids while saying their kids will be happy to be hurt for the sake of seeing their parents happy. How asanine and how twisted. As horrible as your OW is for suggesting you abandon your children you are even more horrible for considering it. You don't have to stay married. Leave your wife for your selfish OW if that's what you really want, but you do not leave your children. Your first priority is stay near your kids and be a decent father. Grow up.

 

I was sad to read OP. Man, I could never and would never leave my kids. And his OW suggesting it is terrible. She sounds awful.

[road]

In live we travel down a road we decide to turn left, right, straight, take curves.

 

 

We make decisions and later regret not making other choices. Thing is a life is like a road. You can make a you turn, three point turn, make two lefts then a right and head back. Or get on another road and loop back to a previous point.

 

 

Problem is time. The road has changed. Added a light. 2 lanes to 4. Double line no more passing. Businesses have come and gone along the road. Buildings built and gone. The road is not the same. You can not go back and start fresh because your car is already filled with baggage.

 

 

Tell this OW that for you to get a divorce is selfish decision for you. You regret that you let her escape you when you had the chance when you were young. You can not ignore that you have a family and to destroy it would be wrong. You have to go NC with her.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Sounds like your children might be better off with another man in the picture.

 

Let your wife find happiness with a man who won't abandon her for someone he knew in high school.

[MetalGearSolid]

I'm going to be very frank with you. I'm not going to be as nice as the other people on this thread. This was a truly depressing read. I don't feel the slightest bit for you, but rather for your poor kids and wife.

 

Please, be a man for once in your life, and divorce your wife, as well as leave your current family, as soon as possible.

Edited September 17, 2016 by ThatsSean
Too long and had unnecessary components

[sandylee1]

She convince me kids will be understand me to find the true love, kids will be ok.

 

She doesn't know your children, so why does she say this? She is not a good woman.

 

She also think she can take care them for me as she do want kids anyway. But I know I have little to none chance to have kids with me if I divorced.

 

Is she suggesting you take your children to Europe?

What about their mother? And how easy will it be to see your children if you move to Europe?

 

Is this woman more important than your children?

 

Do you want your children to always see you as the dad who cheated and abandoned them to live in Europe with another woman?

 

If she wants kids ... she can have them.... but be careful not to be trapped by her getting pregnant without your consent.

 

Also I think divorce with hurt my wife a lot (maybe).*

 

Unless you've been having marital problems and told your wife you are considering leaving ... then I definetly agree .... she will be hurt by it.

[Friskyone4u]

So you are going to ditch your wife, abandon your kids, and move to another country over an online affair and two weeks of sex. You need to start thinking with your brain that is above your waist.

 

(1) your wife never had a chance in this game. Affair sex is illicit, exciting, and two weeks in a hotel room hardly gives you any idea of what this "love of your life" would be like 24/7.

(2) I am guessing you have a source of a job that you can just pick up and move without missing a beat. Who supports this new life????

(3) your kids will hate your guts. Take that one to the bank

 

And how about this one? You new loves marriage broke up but not much detail. You sure it was not because she cheated on him???. How are you sure. ?? Because she told you.???

 

I'd also suggest you do some reading and find out what the percentage of marriages initiated by a cheater last. I'll save you some trouble. The percentage is small.

 

If you really wanted to do the right thing, you would confess to your wife and if she gives you the opportunity get into therapy AFTER you stop the affair. if your wife kicks you out, then you are a free man.

 

If you think you have any chance of just running off to another country, have your kids totally accept it, and be in unicorn land of happiness, I have a bridge to sell you

[BaileyB]

Um... You "think" this might hurt your wife (maybe).

 

Yeah, it will destroy her. And, it will change and likely destroy your relationship with your children.

 

I have a friend who has recently done something similar. Her husband hates her now. Her children have suffered. And, her OM's children (who are older and understand what has happened to their family) will not speak with their father or my friend. My friend regrets her decision everyday...

 

If that's what you want for your life... Be with this other woman and abandon your family.

 

However, I would at this point actually encourage you to tell your wife - you have already made your choice by engaging in the affair. Your wife deserves to know that the man she married is not who she thinks he is... So that she can make the decision to leave you and find someone who will offer the love and respect that she deserves.

Edited September 18, 2016 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Get tested for STDs and hope that you have not passed anything on to your wife.

[Satu]

OP.

 

In the not very distant future you will looking at the wreckage of your life, asking yourself, "What have I done? What was I thinking?"

 

But it will be impossible to undo what you've done.

 

This will add a bitter flavour to the rest of your life, and a sadness you'll never shake off.

 

Unless you come to your senses, that is.

 

I hope you do.

 

 

Take care.

[MomLeslieM]

Wine please do not leave your wife and kids for OW. Right now it seems wonderful and perfect because it is not daily life. It's fun and exciting because you have to sneak around. Everyday life is routine but there's also a lot of comfort and love in that routine for you and your wife and for you and your kids. Plan a secret getaway for you and your wife - arrange childcare and whisk her away -- I guarantee you will find the spark you used to have with her.

 

It is not worth giving up all you have for an old flame just because you had some good sex for a few nights - that's not real and won't continue.

[Wine]

Thanks for everyone's reply. After thinking about this during this period, I almost decide to end the relationship with OW.

 

But by doing this, I again started asking myself, do I love my wife, do wife love me? There is one thing I can confirm, she does not love me now. When we married she did mention she want to marry a man who love her, not the another way round. She is actually very dependent lady. When I am not around for a longer time, she seems not able to handle her life and requires parents help. She is actually complain me a lot, but still stick with me. This make me think she stick with me just because she need me. more because she need me.

These may sound like an excuse, but it is my true thought. The OW I can feel she loves me. Actually she loves me since high school to university. Something she did before can tell it. So, should I give up her now?

 

Another big question is, if I go with OW for true love, will my kids hate me forever? I saw many devoice parents still keep fairly good relationship with their kids. I am just curious, do I only saw some good samples?

[NTV]

Hot sex is not love. Right?

 

If you were sick... Would she give you a kidney? Would your wife?

 

Is this the type of man you want to be? Would you want your kids doing this?

[BaileyB]

Thanks for everyone's reply. After thinking about this during this period, I almost decide to end the relationship with OW.

 

But by doing this, I again started asking myself, do I love my wife, do wife love me? There is one thing I can confirm, she does not love me now. When we married she did mention she want to marry a man who love her, not the another way round. She is actually very dependent lady. When I am not around for a longer time, she seems not able to handle her life and requires parents help. She is actually complain me a lot, but still stick with me. This make me think she stick with me just because she need me. more because she need me.

These may sound like an excuse, but it is my true thought. The OW I can feel she loves me. Actually she loves me since high school to university. Something she did before can tell it. So, should I give up her now?

 

Another big question is, if I go with OW for true love, will my kids hate me forever? I saw many devoice parents still keep fairly good relationship with their kids. I am just curious, do I only saw some good samples?

 

With all due respect, I think we have already answered your question.

 

I would say, it sounds like you don't really know what love is... there is a difference between hot sex and love. You need to decide if what you have with your wife is love. And then you need to decide if the hot sex you have with the OW is love. I would say, it seems like you "think" what you have with this OW is true love, but the reality is likely very different...

 

If you decide that you don't love your wife and you want to end your marriage, best to do this before you start another "relationship" with your OW. This is your best way to hope that your kids will accept the OW.

 

Good luck to you... It sounds like you are going to need it!

[wmacbride]

Thanks for everyone's reply. After thinking about this during this period, I almost decide to end the relationship with OW.

 

But by doing this, I again started asking myself, do I love my wife, do wife love me? There is one thing I can confirm, she does not love me now. When we married she did mention she want to marry a man who love her, not the another way round. She is actually very dependent lady. When I am not around for a longer time, she seems not able to handle her life and requires parents help. She is actually complain me a lot, but still stick with me. This make me think she stick with me just because she need me. more because she need me.

These may sound like an excuse, but it is my true thought. The OW I can feel she loves me. Actually she loves me since high school to university. Something she did before can tell it. So, should I give up her now?

 

Another big question is, if I go with OW for true love, will my kids hate me forever? I saw many devoice parents still keep fairly good relationship with their kids. I am just curious, do I only saw some good samples?

 

Your judgement and reasoning are really clouded.

 

First off, if you leave, your kids will see that you hurt their mom ( your wife), and they will not care if it made you happy. From their point of view, you will have abandoned them, and they won't be interested if you try and gloss that over by claiming that you left to be happy.

 

Secondly, your kids will likely also blame your ow for you leaving. They will see her as someone who helped to hurt them an their mom, and they may well not be too interested in offering her an olive branch.

 

Third, you are talking about moving a long way away, and many courts may not look to kindly on your current wife being expected to ship your kids off to europe to see you. You will be giving up a lot of time with them.

 

Fourth, you are trying to blame your wife for your choices. You chose to marry her, you chose to have kids with her, you chose to keep in touch with an old high school flame, you chose to lie and you chose to go behind your wife's back. All of that is on you.

 

Fifth, you are re-writing history. your wife, who you now make negative statements about, was good enough at the time to marry, have sex with, get pregnant more than once, etc. You try to make her sound dependent and unstable, yet you are considering leaving your kids with her while you gallivant off to europe? So which is it, is she unstable and dependent so it's no wonder you want to leave ( you try and paint her as a bad mom, yet you have no problem leaving your kids with her while you go to live thousands of km away?). It's no wonder you've done this though, as if you didn't play these kinds of mental gymnastics, you'd have to face how selfish you are being.

 

sixth, what sort of a woman encourages the married guy she is sleeping with to leave his kids behind to come and live with her? Most adults would be willing to put the needs of an innocent child(ren) before their own, yet your ow won't. All she cares about is her own feelings. what does that say about her? If being with you is so important to her, why is she not willing to give up everything to come and live with you, like she wants you to do for her.

I'm wondering if she's seeing you as a meal ticket. She's had plenty of years to contact you, but she never did. Sounds to me like the feelings she's claiming she had may never have been there in the first place.

 

If it was your own life and emotions you were gambling with it wouldn't matter so much, but you are also gambling your wife and your children's happiness and future mental health because you had two weeks of sex?

[anika99]

First off you need to stop falling for the over romantic nonsense your OW is filling your head with. In your first post you say you and your OW were not even friends in high school, now you say your OW has loved you since high school. That is an utter lie. People do not love people they barely know or don't spend a substantial amount of time with. Honest true deep love takes a long time to develop. It's not infatuation or raging teenage hormones. Even now I doubt that your OW loves you for who you truly are. She is in love with her romantic fantasy of you, the fantasy man who comes out to see her and give her hot sex, who strokes her ego with romantic words and flattery. She is living in a harliquen romance, not reality.

 

As for your wife being dependent on you, well marriages and families are based on a lot more than hot sex and fantasy romance. Yes your wife needs you. She needs you to be a father to your shared children, she needs you to be an active partner in the marriage and too pull your share of the weight. You also need her. Does she not take care of your children while you are flying off to be with the OW? Does she not cook meals, do laundry and clean the house while you are away pleasuring yourself with sex outside of your marriage? You leave her alone to take care of your children and house for extended periods of time so you can indulge in your affair and then you have the audacity to judge her for asking her own parents for help?

 

Your question of "will my kids hate me forever" if you leave them for true love shows just how egotistical and selfish thinking you are being right now. Your worry should not be about what your kids will think of you, that is an ego centred concern. Your concern should be about what is best for the children and how will your actions impact their childhoods and young adulthood. Your kids may not hate you at all but that doesn't mean that leaving them won't hurt them terribly and negatively affect them for years. It's not about you and what people think of you so stop being so self centred. It's about doing what is right for your children.

 

If you don't love your wife, then yes you should consider divorce, but you do not leave the country to go be with the OW. You divorce but you live as close to your children as you possibly can. Live in the house right beside your wife if it's possible or in the same neighborhood. Then you spend every spare minute you have with your children so that they know beyond a doubt that while you may not be with their mom anymore you have not left them and they can see you whenever they want. After they have a year or two to adjust then you can consider living with the OW but only if she moves to you, not the other way around. If your OW expects you to leave your children to be with you than she is a heartless selfish woman who doesn't really love you or want what is best for you and your children.

 

Now are you going to do something about this situation or are you going to come back in six months asking the same question?

[central]

While your marriage may not be worth staying for, your gf is - so far - just a fantasy and an infatuation. You do NOT know enough about who she is now, or how you will feel about each other if you spend some normal dating time together (which is problematical because of distance). What if you're wrong about her? That could easily be the case with so little time together to truly know who she is now.

 

 

The biggest concern you should have is for your kids. Sure, divorce if you need to, but STAY close by for your kids. If you don't, you and they will both regret it, I'm sure. (The only exception is if the kids are close to college age or already adults - then they will go their own way soon, whatever you do.) If your gf can move to your location (AFTER you divorce or official separate), you can pursue that relationship honestly and see where it goes.

[hippychick3]

Bottom line...don't abandon your children under any circumstances. And leaving the country to be with this OW is abandoning them.

 

If you abandon them, you will damage them for life.

[supernova32]

I married for 15 years now and have 2 kids under 10 years old. My wife and I are regular couple. We were introduced by friends at that time when we were both looking for a marriage. Nothing is fancy.

 

 

******************

 

 

OP, it sounds like you married for convenience rather than love, and I can understand how you got into the position you are in now. I am in no way judging you because many people have affairs and many people have wrestled with the internal conflict you are experiencing now.

 

 

I think the first thing you need to do is tell OW that you have some things to figure out on your own. Your marriage has lasted 15 years, and there are children involved. You don't want to leave your wife for another woman because there will always be that hanging over the both of you. If you divorce your wife, it should have nothing to do with OW. I think you should start individual counseling and encourage your wife to start IC as well. It sounds like she has some personal issues to confront, depending completely on another adult is not normal or healthy. And if you did divorce eventually, we want her to be strong and able to handle things on her own.

 

 

You are definitely in the affair fog that many of us have been through. You may see over time that there were no real feelings there. Or you may discover that your heart is with the OW. But I think you need time and patience. You need to remember what your current reality is and think a lot about your life and if you want to disrupt it forever.

 

 

I would not recommend moving to another continent for this woman and leaving your children in the process. The kids will be scarred by this. If in the future, you decide to be with OW, have her move to you.

[PinkElephants]

Another big question is, if I go with OW for true love, will my kids hate me forever?

 

I've seen a few examples of people leaving for the OW/OM.

 

#1: MW left for the OM. I knew her kids and the humiliation they felt was devastating. None of the kids at school made fun of them but the fact that everyone knew their mom was a skank was crushing. 10 years later her kids still don't speak to her.

 

#2: MW left for the OM. Her middle school/high school aged kids moved out of the house because they couldn't deal with either parent. It took about 8 years for them to speak to her again and the one I know is still grieving because she feels like she doesn't have a family.

 

#3: MM got OW pregnant and left her to go back to his family then left his family anyway. His kids played nice until he finished paying for college. Neither the OC nor his kids with his wife speak to him. He's not allowed to see his grandchildren.

 

#4: MM left for OW. His son doesn't speak to him and his daughter only calls when she wants money.

 

Is this the future you want?

 

The fact that your OW is saying "your children will be thrilled that their mom is destroyed, their home is destroyed, their security is destroyed, and their lives are torn apart if it means you're happy" suggests that she's either a complete idiot or a selfish, evil person. Do you really want to be with someone who wants you to hurt your kids?

[BaileyB]

Same story for me... Best friend's father left her mother for another woman. She currently has a very strained relationship with her father - and this is with effort, because for several years they didn't talk.

 

It's not that kids won't accept another woman in your life, but if done badly (ie. having an affair while still married to their mother, choosing the OW and moving away to be with the OW), the kids will be very hurt and may never for give you for hurting their mother and leaving the family. And if you think kids are too young to understand what's really going on, think again...

 

It does sound like you married for convenience and now that you have had some good sex with another woman, you are rewriting history and unsure of your relationship with your wife. A silly man thinks with his penis... A nasty woman encourages you to leave your family and tells you that your kids will not have a problem with this.

 

Get yourself to counselling to make a decision regarding your marriage and definitely, don't make a decision because you are deluded into thinking that this fantasy relationship with the OW is "true love" (which doesn't actually exist, by the way) or that your kids won't mind if you cheat on their mother and leave the family to be with OW.

[Joie]

No one can make life more complicated than a person in an affair. Life is not that difficult.

 

I can break it down for you into steps.

 

 

1. Stop the affair.

 

2. Tell your wife about the affair. It is only fair that BOTH people in the marriage have the information.

 

3. Decide if you want a divorce.

 

4. If you want a divorce file and FINALIZE the divorce.

 

5. Decided if you want a relationship with this other woman.

 

6. If you do pick up the phone and call her.

 

Solved all your problems in 6 easy steps. Your welcome.

[RewindRomancer]

I do believe in true love. I do believe in second chances. I do believe "rewinds" are possible.

 

 

In the world of social media, hook-ups with old high school/college flames is quite common. I don't think you are some kind of a monster for falling for your teenaged crush again.

 

 

Just think about what you are doing very carefully (and I see you are already doing that by coming to this forum to sort out your questions and feelings). I just want to say two things:

 

 

1. Go slow

2. Don't leave your kids to move to another continent - make the OW come to you.

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

P.S. I think staying in a bad marriage "for the sake of the kids" is more destructive that making a clean, fair break and staying actively involved in your kids' lives.