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How to stop it before it starts MM and MW


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Really looking for kind and supportive feedback. Am a happy MW of 12 years, loving life and family. Started post graduate education recently. Walked into first classroom and encountered MM for first time. I just dont understand it. I dont get attracted to other men. I have so many amazing 'attractive' male friends but I NEVER feel a spark.

 

But something bizarre happened and its like a massive chemical reaction. We got talking an connected intensely. There was lots of class social bonding and drinks over the first weeks. Twice, with lots of alcohol we ended up kissing. OMG - cant describe the feeling. He is also MM, very happy, kids etc - same as me. Neither want an A. Neither want hurt and betrayal. We have agreed it will never happen again (but thats what we said after the first kiss). But the attraction is off the chart. Like a magnet.

 

How do I deal with this? NC is not an option as we are both financially and professionally committed to a 2 year qualification (part time). Honestly - I want to be great friends and so does he as we have this great connection. But how to we navigate that without risking betrayal.

 

The feelings are so strong, I can barely function. Ive been both the cheater and cheated on in previous relationships and I know better than anyone the heinous price to be paid. So I get that - Im just wondering if anyone has any practical advice on the best way to harness and stand down the emotions and impulses. Thank you in advance.

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Hi sp

 

OK, so you know you are in a very dangerous position here right, I see you so from your post. And having been betrayed and betrayer, you know the potential world of pain that could be round the corner, as you said.

 

You are standing on the edge of a precipice here and have already crossed the line with kissing. But kudos to you for coming here and for honestly talking through it with him and both agreeing that you want to maintain boundaries and not slide into an affair.

 

To follow this through with action, I think you need to stop the friendship completely before it becomes very toxic - you can do this respectfully, wishing each other all the best and without falling out because you both know that it is the way it has to be. It's fine to say hi and smile when you pass each other in class, but no more conversations, no seeking each other out at break time, meeting alone, going for coffee and definitely no meeting up after class.

 

Anything less than this is playing with fire and I guess you both know it. Trouble is, as I know to my own cost, some people are drawn to that fire.

 

I wish you all the very best sp, protect your (and his) marriage, keep posting and keep us up to date!

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Oh thank you thank you Jenkins for replying.

I know you are right. But (don't you love the BUT) of course, at this stage I know I still think I have super human powers and can have my cake and eat it too (Im talking friendship with this adorable human). And I am addicted to the thought that he finds me attractive (yes low self esteem - he likes ME???). I am reassured by the fact he has nothing bad to say about his marriage. He adores his W. He feels like hell just with what has happened thus far. I am in the trickier position in that my H betrayed me early in our marriage - and I forgave and we rebuilt trust. So some part of my subconscious is saying, 'its your turn'. Reading these threads is so very helpful - a constant reminder of the hell we can create for ourselves, when the emotions on the surface are so heavenly. He is currently travelling and said 'keep in touch'. I did at first but am now trying NC (a whole 3 days - whoop-de-do) but feels like an eternity. HATE THIS!

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You are playing with fire that will likely burn down everything you hold dear. Understand that fact, and my advise may make better sense. I hate to break it to you, but you have already cheated on your spouse, so the affair has already started. All you can try to do now is stop digging the hole you're already in any deeper.

 

100% NC really is your only viable option. You can not be friends with your AP. You have both crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. You have to decide what is more important to you. On one hand you have your marriage and family, and on the other hand your qualification and AP. Your actions have already determined that you can't have both. I urge you t go 100% NC right away. The choice is yours alone. Unfortunately, the consequences of your choice are not yours alone. You say say you have been on both sides of that equation in your past. If you have been cheated on before, you know the searing pain you have already exposed your spouse and children (if you have any) to. What could be worth that?

 

Set your boundaries, go 100% NC. Tell your teacher why you can't interact with your AP ever again if you have to. If you have some time, scroll through some threads in the infidelity section. Maybe reading other people's experiences will refresh your memory on the kind of hell you are about to unleash. Good luck. Google "Not Just Friends" and read it.

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Hey, been there done that. Faithful for 14 years, and then BOOM chemistry off the charts, seemed irresistible, got caught up in the cake eating.

 

YOU TWO CAN'T BE FRIENDS

 

It's not possible - I tried that one too, after months of "perfect behavior" we ended back up in the same "cake eating" place.

 

How to cool off? Limit contact as much as possible and do what you can to light that same sort of fire with your husband.

 

No more flirting, no inappropriate time together. Tell him you CANT AND WON'T - and remind him that his wife WILL find out.

 

Other tip, never have a conversation with him that doesn't include praising your spouse.

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........at this stage I know I still think I have super human powers and can have my cake and eat it too...........

 

...........the hell we can create for ourselves, when the emotions on the surface are so heavenly. /QUOTE]

 

Oh Scandipanda, I know where you are, I know it so well! It's so seductive and we convince ourselves we can control it.....

 

But look at these boards, the evidence is clear. These things speak to a place in our psyche that we cannot control. By the time we realise this, it is already two late.

 

In my case it took witnessing four broken hearts (including my own) and at least two nervous breakdowns until this fully sank in.

 

You are line Adam in the garden of Eden right now sp...... Please don't choose that apple. Go out for a pizza instead...... With your H!

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Malvern - ouch. But thanks you so much. Especially for this:

 

"I hate to break it to you, but you have already cheated on your spouse, so the affair has already started."

 

Thats what I needed to hear. Big fat reality check. Tick. Double ouch.

 

Recent Change - Also, thank you - for all advise but particularly this :

 

"Other tip, never have a conversation with him that doesn't include praising your spouse."

 

I know I did the worst possible thing by complaining about my spouse in our early conversations. Now I try to tell him what a great guy H is and I dont think AP will believe me.

 

Question - AP (still dont really want to think that thats where we are at) and another friend have suggested we introduce our spouses to eachother as a form of insurance and reinforcement. Go out for dinner together. It would be a legitimate thing to do. Extremely hard but it might help. Anyone done that??

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Forever broken

This is a dangerous road you heading towards. Be professional and stay away from him. Hanging out together with each other's spouses will not stop you from having an affair but staying away and cutting communication with him will. Take it from me, am an XOW. I am still suffering from my actions. Had I known is always at last.

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I wouldn't do the dinner thing.

 

That's a slap in your husband's face.

 

Could you imagine if your husband found some woman irresistible, made out with her a couple times, then invited her over for dinner with you? Wouldn't you feel like you were played for a fool if you knew the truth?

 

Behave as if he DOES know the truth. Treat the AP as your husband would want you to behave towards him if he knew the whole story.

 

From this point forward live honestly. Don't do anything that would cause more dishonestly or deception, or even a simple leaving out of details.

 

You shouldn't interact with the AP in anyway that you couldn't fully relay to your husband.

 

As for the AP, no more inappropriate talk. No details about your home life - besides ones you would tell a casual acquaintance. You wouldn't bad mouth your hubby to an acquaintance or boss would you?

 

You need to set very clear limits - you simply can't be "friendly" with him. Professional and nothing else.

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Recent Change - Thank you x 1,000. I consider myself a highly intelligent, thoughtful person. Yet it hadn't even occurred to me that the dinner was an insult to H. Here I am thinking I'm being good to consider it. As I mentioned, it wasn't my idea but I considered it as a step in a healthy direction. But you are so right. It's just more deception. Thank you. I am feeling better, stronger, clearer and more realistic with every post. I am very happy I found this.

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stay away from each other in any kind of non-mandatory setting, STOP flirting with him, and do NOT drink together!!! I speak from experience. You can't be friends. You just can't.

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OK so - the message is loud and clear about NC.

 

And to reassure you (and myself) Im doing well. Recently we had a wide open opportunity to spend lots of time alone, undetected and over night. Not that either of us discussed an overnight stay but the opportunity was clear as day. I got in my car and cried out of frustration. Then I drove 3 hours in the opposite direction and stayed with a friend. It was hard to do but I knew it was a critical moment and had to withdraw myself from any opportunity.

 

So - with NC - how HOW HOW do you survive emotionally? What tricks have people learned to keep themselves sane and happy-ish. Its one thing to do it - its another to be kind to yourself while doing it?? Make sense???

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You've already cheated it just remains on when it becomes physical. If you maintain contact it will. This is a common affair nothing special here. It's how most start. We're just "friends". Now picture your H finding out and everyone knowing. How will your kids take the blow up?

 

His wife and kids? Can you picture it? Most can't until the fantasy becomes known.

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Well I don't have any advice on the voluntary no contact, I had a D Day (plus my affair was a lust affair, far from an emotional one) - and that made it easy to straighten up real quick, everything was on the line.

 

My guess is mentally you have to realize that is the reality of the situation. You are putting your life as you know it on the line - is it worth it?

 

I noticed you mentioned a "friend" made the dinner suggestion - someone knows about this? You, AP, his wife could potentially share social circles?

 

You are already at risk of a D Day, and getting any deeper would do nothing but multiply the magnitude of it.

 

Heh, I feel like one of those silly "scare the teen straight by parading them through a jail" shows. I am one of the born again convicts here to tell you, don't do it. One of the things that separates man from beast is the ability to learn from others.

 

Do what so many of us stop doing while indulging in these "new" wonderful feelings - start empathizing more. Take a moment to view the situation through your husband's eyes. Through your own eyes - but the you from 10 years ago - what would she think?

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You are a mature person , looking for validation , like many of us , including myself ; so many factors influence your actions or middle age crisis .

 

start by one very important thing , what is wrong in your relation with your husband , do you feel after all those years that he is not up to your expectations ?

 

 

we all do , nobody is perfect , the important question is that is he a good hearted guy ?

 

is he a giver or a selfish man ?

 

 

The difference is that it will affect your decision of how you will proceed ; but the basic formula of chances of staying faithful

 

cheating=leaving eventually = x+1/Y :)

 

x is your selfishness and Y is your husband givology ...

 

identify the issues in your marriage , and work again and again to resolve them .

 

good luck ,

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Really looking for kind and supportive feedback. Am a happy MW of 12 years, loving life and family. Started post graduate education recently. Walked into first classroom and encountered MM for first time. I just dont understand it. I dont get attracted to other men. I have so many amazing 'attractive' male friends but I NEVER feel a spark. But something bizarre happened and its like a massive chemical reaction. We got talking an connected intensely. There was lots of class social bonding and drinks over the first weeks. Twice, with lots of alcohol we ended up kissing. OMG - cant describe the feeling. He is also MM, very happy, kids etc - same as me. Neither want an A. Neither want hurt and betrayal. We have agreed it will never happen again (but thats what we said after the first kiss). But the attraction is off the chart. Like a magnet. How do I deal with this? NC is not an option as we are both financially and professionally committed to a 2 year qualification (part time). Honestly - I want to be great friends and so does he as we have this great connection. But how to we navigate that without risking betrayal. The feelings are so strong, I can barely function. Ive been both the cheater and cheated on in previous relationships and I know better than anyone the heinous price to be paid. So I get that - Im just wondering if anyone has any practical advice on the best way to harness and stand down the emotions and impulses. Thank you in advance.

 

Wow. This took me back to where I was 18 months ago. It's like I was reading about myself. My XMM was a co-worker, insane chemistry. Bonded over drinks and kissed. And yes OMG, the feeling. I understand that all too well. We said we could never do that again. Two weeks later we did. If I only I could have walked away back at that stage!

 

You need to google limerance and affair fog if you haven't already. You described it as a chemical reaction. That's because it is. He is an addiction. You want more of the drug, the ego boost, the validation. He makes you feel good, he makes you feel alive.

 

And yet, if you continue all you are destined for is heartache and pain. Guilt and frustration. Sadness and anger. You can't have those amazing highs without crashing to some indescribable lows. It's the nature of affairs and you have already crossed that line.

 

If you continue, you will get past the limerance stage and enter into the push/pull phase. Either one of you (most likely him) will start withdrawing. Either through guilt or because you aren't shiny and new anymore. You will crave those initial feelings and feel hurt/confused because things don't feel the same as they were in the beginning. And then you will get a glimpse of limerance again and that is enough to keep you hooked through the whole crazy hot/cold cycle.

 

And if there is a d-day - get prepared to be thrown under the bus and for him to never speak to you again. He will scramble like hell to keep his wife. And imagine the pain on your husbands face. Go back to your wedding album and photos of your honeymoon. Remember the good times, the memories shared. Do you want to destroy all of that for a chemical addiction that will end badly? Affairs always do. This is no fairy tale or happy ending. When you are caught up in the fog you are not thinking long term or rationally. All you are doing is thinking of the AP and longing for the next interaction.

 

Because of the intense chemical addiction you will suffer horrible withdrawals being in NC. But you must. If your spouses ever find out there is NO way they will let you continue to do classes together anyway.

 

You cannot be friends either. Because of the attraction and because you have crossed that line you are only moments away from a full blown affair. I was in your shoes. I know what you are feeling. You think you can handle it. You think you will be ok and no one will get hurt if they don't find out. Even if you don't get discovered either one of your spouses will start sensing that something is different/ something is off. They may notice you are distant and may also start getting suspicious.

 

I sit here having done the affair thing, having done the "friends" thing. It doesn't work. I am now in permanent NC and this whole thing has damaged me considerably. I have cried buckets of tears. I grieve. I wish I could go back in time and scream at myself "don't do it! It's not worth it!". I also question my values and morals and why I ever considered an affair as an option in the first place.

 

Take the steps and action now to correct this. Tell him you have crossed a line and will never cross it again. Tell him you can't be friends. Stay away from him in class, don't have lunch or dinner with him. Never drink alcohol around him. Defer the course if you can or transfer locations. Not seeing him is the only way.

 

Don't be like me 18 months from now. Trust me - whatever high and pleasure you are feeling will be nothing like the misery and pain that is coming your way if you don't walk away now.

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grassisorisntgreener

You are definitely in a danger zone.

 

I just want to reiterate what others said.

 

Do not speak badly about your husband. You will start to re-write your history with him and justify why you deserve to have this affair.

 

Treat him like your husband is in the room with you.

 

I've been here. Everything ended so effing horribly...

 

Do you have kids?

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Stop talking to him. You can't be friends. No drinks, no lunches. And you might want to consider counseling for yourself to determine why you are willing to risk destroying your marriage.

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Wow Grey Cloud that is such a great post, and absolutely ever word is completely true.

 

Scandipanda - You should really listen to this person and the others that are telling you about real life affairs and how they just completely suck when they are over.

 

Good luck...

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with NC - how HOW HOW do you survive emotionally? What tricks have people learned to keep themselves sane and happy-ish. Its one thing to do it - its another to be kind to yourself while doing it?? Make sense???

 

You said you're happily married with kids. Refocus on the most important people in your life. Flirt with your husband, have a date night, snuggle your kids extra, take them on little mommy-kiddo dates, etc. Remember how good your life is. Is it worth throwing all of this away and deeply hurting the people you care most about in the entire world?! No, of course not. It's a brutally terrible process even if the people involved are NOT happily married.

 

The more you draw away from the guy, the less you will think about him. It just takes a little time. Don't give in to the temptation to text or anything else. Just cut it off! The quicker you rip the bandaid and go as NC as possible, the easier and quicker it'll be to get over this.

 

(Edit: maybe you don't have kids? Well either way. Refocus on your husband. Rather than dreaming about MM, dream about your husband. Remind yourself of all of his wonderful qualities, plan a sweet surprise for him, send loving texts, try to spice up your sex life, etc. Transfer all of those thoughts and actions back to HIM.)

Edited by Birdies
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So - with NC - how HOW HOW do you survive emotionally? What tricks have people learned to keep themselves sane and happy-ish. Its one thing to do it - its another to be kind to yourself while doing it?? Make sense???

 

There is an old Native American proverb that seems to fit here.

 

"An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”"

 

So OP, which wolf will you feed? The more you feed the fantasy by devoting time and energy to it, the stronger it grows, and unfortunately romantic relationships are a zero some game. The more time and energy you devote to one directly takes away from the other. The choice is yours.

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GC! Wow! Please imagine us all standing and giving you an ovation right now, you deserve it - amazing post.

 

This should be printed out and posted on billboards in every town around the world. It would make people stop and think before getting into an affair.

 

I feel your own pain through this post GC. It is written with a raw & open honesty and comes right from your (broken) heart.

 

You are an amazing person GC - you will be happy again.

 

OP, read this one several times please!

 

Wow. This took me back to where I was 18 months ago. It's like I was reading about myself. My XMM was a co-worker, insane chemistry. Bonded over drinks and kissed. And yes OMG, the feeling. I understand that all too well. We said we could never do that again. Two weeks later we did. If I only I could have walked away back at that stage!

 

You need to google limerance and affair fog if you haven't already. You described it as a chemical reaction. That's because it is. He is an addiction. You want more of the drug, the ego boost, the validation. He makes you feel good, he makes you feel alive.

 

And yet, if you continue all you are destined for is heartache and pain. Guilt and frustration. Sadness and anger. You can't have those amazing highs without crashing to some indescribable lows. It's the nature of affairs and you have already crossed that line.

 

If you continue, you will get past the limerance stage and enter into the push/pull phase. Either one of you (most likely him) will start withdrawing. Either through guilt or because you aren't shiny and new anymore. You will crave those initial feelings and feel hurt/confused because things don't feel the same as they were in the beginning. And then you will get a glimpse of limerance again and that is enough to keep you hooked through the whole crazy hot/cold cycle.

 

And if there is a d-day - get prepared to be thrown under the bus and for him to never speak to you again. He will scramble like hell to keep his wife. And imagine the pain on your husbands face. Go back to your wedding album and photos of your honeymoon. Remember the good times, the memories shared. Do you want to destroy all of that for a chemical addiction that will end badly? Affairs always do. This is no fairy tale or happy ending. When you are caught up in the fog you are not thinking long term or rationally. All you are doing is thinking of the AP and longing for the next interaction.

 

Because of the intense chemical addiction you will suffer horrible withdrawals being in NC. But you must. If your spouses ever find out there is NO way they will let you continue to do classes together anyway.

 

You cannot be friends either. Because of the attraction and because you have crossed that line you are only moments away from a full blown affair. I was in your shoes. I know what you are feeling. You think you can handle it. You think you will be ok and no one will get hurt if they don't find out. Even if you don't get discovered either one of your spouses will start sensing that something is different/ something is off. They may notice you are distant and may also start getting suspicious.

 

I sit here having done the affair thing, having done the "friends" thing. It doesn't work. I am now in permanent NC and this whole thing has damaged me considerably. I have cried buckets of tears. I grieve. I wish I could go back in time and scream at myself "don't do it! It's not worth it!". I also question my values and morals and why I ever considered an affair as an option in the first place.

 

Take the steps and action now to correct this. Tell him you have crossed a line and will never cross it again. Tell him you can't be friends. Stay away from him in class, don't have lunch or dinner with him. Never drink alcohol around him. Defer the course if you can or transfer locations. Not seeing him is the only way.

 

Don't be like me 18 months from now. Trust me - whatever high and pleasure you are feeling will be nothing like the misery and pain that is coming your way if you don't walk away now.

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Wow Grey Cloud that is such a great post, and absolutely ever word is completely true.

 

Scandipanda - You should really listen to this person and the others that are telling you about real life affairs and how they just completely suck when they are over.

 

Good luck...

 

Agreed BP. Grey Cloud has nailed it with that one! You post some pretty good stuff yourself. I love your no bull****, tell it as it is style. That's just what we need here.

 

Sounds like you've experienced (and unwillingly caused) a lot of heartbreak in your life. Thanks so much for bringing your experience and wisdom to these boards.

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Thank you...jenkins95

 

I have caused a lot of heartbreak, whether I meant to or not, I still think I am a POS for some of the things I have done.

 

I'm better now, and hope to stay that way.

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