Anyone else both a WW and OW?

[Smokeandmirrors4]

Hi all. First post here, but have been reading quite a bit.

Backstory: Husband and I are coming up on unlucky 13 years this year. Marriage started off ok at the beginning and has just gone downhill from there. We had 2 girls, 3 years apart and after the second we began drifting. I would be the one initiating every sexual encounter, every conversation. i decided to stop initiating either and it became a situation where we just never talked and it was months before we had sex, and I'm pretty sure I had a few glasses of wine at a function and broke down.

 

I would sit with him and let him know I was concerned about where we were in our marriage and what needed to work on. I would ask him areas that I needed to improve and what I could do be a better partner to him, only to be met with "you're perfect". My sadness grew and we grew further apart, immersing ourselves in our daughters lives.

 

Fast forward to 2012. We went to a party thrown by friends? Not sure if that's the right word. People we knew from our girls school. Our girls are the same age as their boys. A lot of drinking was involved and I'm pretty sure I kissed the father of the boys (unsure of who initiated). I remember us kissing multiple times that night. To be honest I didn't remember doing it at all until a few days later.

 

I saw the father and the events of that night came flooding back. I was mortified as that was so out of character for me. I asked and he confirmed we kissed and I apologized profusely. He said we should talk about that night when there wasn't others around. A few days later he stopped by and we talked. I apologized for my role and he for his. We began talking about our marriages and saw many similarities. We began what I thought was a friendship where we would talk and seek advice. He gave great advice on things I could try and say with my husband and I did the same regarding his wife.

 

Another party resulted in a similar outcome. From there our friendship turned into a full blown affair. We saw each other when we wcould (never having sex, but we may as well have) and talked everyday. We would still talk and offer advice on our marriages, neither of us ever talked about leaving our spouses, however I had already made up my mind to do so (not for MM, but for myself).

 

4 months of this goes on and he admits he has fallen in love with me and I with him and we decide we cannot continue. I am heartbroken, but know it's the right choice. I drank a lot one evening, cried and ended up initiating sex with my husband. We had not had sex the whole time the A was going on. This resulted in me becoming pregnant. I had been sleeping on the couch for some time and we had already discussed the separation. Needless to say it was a tough decision however we kept the baby and I resigned to the fact that this was my life.

 

Nothing changed. He never talked to me. Still had never paid a bill or dealt with money at all. Never initiated any physical contact, and I made the decision that I could not continue like this. Any time I tried to talk he would just say I know. I'm sorry. Wouldn't try counciling or see a dr about possible low sex drive. My husband hasn't touched me nor have we had sex in 2 years. Separation is imminent, just need to tie a few financial loose ends.

 

Fast forward 4 years, saw MM occasionally, chatted via email a few times touching base. In July of this year another party and another encounter, this one resulting in mind blowing sex. He professes he has never stopped loving me.

So here we are. I have freedoms and he does not. I respect when he is with his wife and family. We see each other when we can. The conversation and sex are amazing. He did try and end it saying it wasn't fair to me as he had not decided what he was going to do in his marriage and I have. I told him I wasn't delusional and knew what the deal was. No contact lasted a day or so before he initiated again.

 

So here we sit. It will be a few months before husband and I are officially separated. He may never be. We had a talk about me seeing other people and he says he wouldn't like it, but can't stop me. I told him I have been lonely for 6 or so years and if I found someone who can be there for me I am not going to miss out on that. He cried when I told him this, but I can't wait for him to make that decision, if he ever does.

 

Sorry. Wow that felt good to get out. As I never talk about this. Anyone else in a similar position? I've read lots on here and it seems I am almost more like the typical MM you read about in terms of the realities of our relationship, our future, me seeing other people as he shares his bed with his wife every night, etc.

 

Sorry so long!

[Lobe]

We had a talk about me seeing other people and he says he wouldn't like it, but can't stop me. I told him I have been lonely for 6 or so years and if I found someone who can be there for me I am not going to miss out on that. He cried when I told him this, but I can't wait for him to make that decision, if he ever does.

 

I'm the BS, not the MOW, but before I chime in here I want to ask if you want the affair to end and to find a normal relationship, or if you want the affair to continue and hope that he will leave his wife?

[ladydesigner]

He may never be. We had a talk about me seeing other people and he says he wouldn't like it, but can't stop me. I told him I have been lonely for 6 or so years and if I found someone who can be there for me I am not going to miss out on that. He cried when I told him this, but I can't wait for him to make that decision, if he ever does.

 

Your MM started crying when you told him this that's classic!

[Smokeandmirrors4]

I'm the BS, not the MOW, but before I chime in here I want to ask if you want the affair to end and to find a normal relationship, or if you want the affair to continue and hope that he will leave his wife?

 

Honestly of course I would love to pursue a relationship with him, however I am a realist and will not cling to hope. I deserve to find happiness and if not with him, then with someone else. He also needs to make that decision on his own.

[carhill]

Been awhile but I was a decade or so ago and your post sounds pretty familiar.

 

A few things:

 

1. If you and your H are separating, your love life is none of his business. Your co-parenting life certainly is. Ignore what he likes or doesn't like. Nunnya.

 

2. The other guy is married and has made no move to put any teeth into his expressed love for you. His actions and words aren't matching up. He hasn't shown you a plan. That's a harbinger of things to come. It's not like this is fresh. You've known each other for many years.

 

3. Execute your own plan and do the hard work of divorcing and being on your own. Invite the MM to contact you when his dissolution has been approved by the court and is independently verifiable. The first communication can include the case identifier.

 

That's my 02 as a fMM and fOM. I have a lot more experience as an OM but was married for a decade.

 

Good luck!

[Smokeandmirrors4]

I wants to add that my husband knows of my infidelity. Not the initial one, but this time. He doesn't know with how and he has never asked. He says he doesn't blame me and knew this would happen eventually. We are both amicable about the separation although he would prefer we kept living like roommates while I did what I pleased. I don't believe that's fair to either of us.

[Smokeandmirrors4]

Your MM started crying when you told him this that's classic!

 

He did. He initially said that it would be hypocritical of him to say he would not like it. I stared at him and told him that was a bull**** answer. I told him I am aware he is with his wife sexually and while I have to accept it I don't have to like it.

He thought for a minute, tears came and he said that he couldn't stand the thought of me with anyone else and it would kill him.

[ChickiePops]

He did. He initially said that it would be hypocritical of him to say he would not like it. I stared at him and told him that was a bull**** answer. I told him I am aware he is with his wife sexually and while I have to accept it I don't have to like it.

He thought for a minute, tears came and he said that he couldn't stand the thought of me with anyone else and it would kill him.

 

If he wanted to be with you, he'd leave his wife. Simple as that.

 

Likely explanation - he enjoyed the NSA sex and now that you're divorcing you have a lot less to lose than he does and he's afraid you'll blow up his spot.

 

Conclusion - if he really cares, he will divorce. If not, he might pursue for a little bit but he will get bored fast and find a new [partner]

Edited September 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Smokeandmirrors4]

Thank you

 

As I said I'm a realist and am well aware of all these possible scenarios, which is why I'm not clinging to any hope that he will leave. I need to do what is best for me, which is why I am very much open to the idea of meeting someone else. The conversation arose because I was out with a friend and was asked for my number by another man. I gave it and we have been chatting and met up for drinks once. We have continued texting back and forth and have mutual friends. I think he really doesn't want to lose me and he knows I would never take information about the affair to his wife. I have no reason to.

 

As for finding a new [partner] I'm not so sure. I initiated this (again I'm pretty sure) and not something either of us had done before. If he does well then he does, but I do genuinely believe this is a first for him.

Edited September 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[BuddyX]

First things first, stop drinking at functions or around men. That gets you into trouble. Also stop pretending that you're "just going to see him to talk". You know it's going to lead to sex.

 

What are the ages of your kids? That's your #1 priority.

[anika99]

He did. He initially said that it would be hypocritical of him to say he would not like it. I stared at him and told him that was a bull**** answer. I told him I am aware he is with his wife sexually and while I have to accept it I don't have to like it.

He thought for a minute, tears came and he said that he couldn't stand the thought of me with anyone else and it would kill him.

 

Why was that a bullsh*t answer? What did you want him to say? Did you bring up seeing other men in the hopes of getting him jealous and choosing you?

[Smokeandmirrors4]

First things first, stop drinking at functions or around men. That gets you into trouble. Also stop pretending that you're "just going to see him to talk". You know it's going to lead to sex.

 

What are the ages of your kids? That's your #1 priority.

 

Thank you.

 

However I have drank at many social gatherings and it has never led to anything other than with this one man in particular. While I appreciate the idea that I am a horny teenage boy who can't keep it in his pants once I get a kick of alcohol in me, I can assure you I am not. I am not pretending we are going to get together to talk?? Did I write that? We have absolutely gotten together and at times have just talked and times we just have sex and times we do both.

 

Kids are 13, 10 and 3, and have always been my number one priority, which is why I tried to stick this marriage out as long as possible. When my oldest came up to me and said she never wanted to marry a man like daddy I knew I needed to make a change. She has seen my sadness and his lack of intimacy/refusal to talk. Don't get me wrong he is an amazing father, just a ****ty romantic partner.

[whathappened610]

Smokeandmirrors~

 

I can relate to some of your story I was the OW while in a 14 year LTR. My MM was someone I knew for 16/17 years and we had only been having an EA for 8/9 months.

 

I thought I was happy in my LTR untill MM came and made me feel alive again and then I realized there were things both me and my partner where settling for and not working on for/with one another.

 

So long story short me and my LTR have decided we are gonna live apart now and try working on what we need to. Me and MM are done. He stopped with a majority of the sweet talk shortly after I told him about my Partner moving out, I think partly bc he knew I'd be expecting him to prove his feelings/want our relationship to be more and when it comes down to it he's not ready/willing to leave. We have been NC for 3 weeks now.

 

Like you, I thought my MM wouldn't wanna loose me to someone else either. He actually told me I was his one that got away in high school and if me and him don't end up together this time he can't be my friend bc he doesn't wanna see me happy with anyone else, not my current LTR and not anybody new. And he is still with his wife.

 

My advice to you...would be to work on things with your husband but sounds like that is not an option to you. In which case I'd say find someone new. Chances are MM is not gonna leave his wife, no matter how available you are now. It sucks and it hurts but it's true. Good luck! Keep me (or all of LS) updated! I'd love to hear how it turns out for you!

[angel.eyes]

I suspect you'll be floored and pretty hurt by how abruptly, your affair partner drops you once you actually separate. See, right now, it's just free NSA sex with a little fantasy for him. After all, you're married and unavailable. As soon as your status changes to single and available, brace yourself and be prepared for him to drop you and ignore you.

 

As Carhill, pointed out, his actions and words don't match up. He's doing absolutely nothing to change his status quo. Therein lies reality.

[Smokeandmirrors4]

Thank you both

 

I don't at all expect him to leave his wife. He has told me he is not ready and I interpret that to mean he never will be. If he does, great let's see where it takes us. If he doesn't I will continue in my quest to find someone I am fully compatible with.

 

However my husband and I are still living together, albeit separately. I cannot foresee myself trying to find anyone for quite awhile. I am definitely not opposed to it though, which is why I gave the other gentleman my number when he asked for it. We went out for drinks, I explained my situation with my husband. We have texted back and forth a few times, but nothing further than that. I assume it might be a little much.

 

It is interesting though that MM is also NSA sex for me, yet everyone is saying how much I will get hurt. I initiated, he claimed love first, he often makes contact first if it's been a few days because I've gotten busy, he is the one that cried when I told him I am open to me seeing other people. While I am investing time in this it isn't time taken away from meeting someone else (as I said not looking) or time away from the kids (during the day while kids are at school or late at night when they are sleeping). I think he may be just as invested, if not more so than I.

 

Do I love him? Yes. But I realize he is someone else's husband. I don't expect or believe he will leave her for me.

 

As messed up as it is we often talk of our marriages and what the other can do/say to try and work on things. I am having fun. He is fulfilling a need that I am lacking in my own marriage.

 

Who knows I may eat those words one day and when the time comes be devastated, but i know if we ended things now I would miss the sex and conversation, but there's always someone else who can fill those voids if I choose to.

[BluesPower]

If you are thinking like that then you may be fine. Just don't let the love thing with him go too deep, just enjoy the sex.

 

Honestly, when you and hubby are finished with the divorce you are going to have many options for sex, and I would play around a little.

 

A lot of what he says is BS but who really cares as long as you don't let yourself get hurt. If the sex is good then cool. Frankly after your divorce, it may not be enough if you guys can't get away frequently enough.

 

Now I am only saying this because your getting divorced, it would be a different if you had a marriage worth saving. I mean there is nothing there anymore, right? Is there anything worth saving?

 

And look, you know that it is still "WRONG" overall because he is married. Also, it could still blow up and back on you if his wife finds out, and at some point she will. That can get really hairy.

 

You would be more happy if you got you a couple of FWB's and just not jump into any relationships for a while.

 

Good luck with all this...

[Smokeandmirrors4]

If you are thinking like that then you may be fine. Just don't let the love thing with him go too deep, just enjoy the sex.

 

Honestly, when you and hubby are finished with the divorce you are going to have many options for sex, and I would play around a little.

 

A lot of what he says is BS but who really cares as long as you don't let yourself get hurt. If the sex is good then cool. Frankly after your divorce, it may not be enough if you guys can't get away frequently enough.

 

Now I am only saying this because your getting divorced, it would be a different if you had a marriage worth saving. I mean there is nothing there anymore, right? Is there anything worth saving?

 

And look, you know that it is still "WRONG" overall because he is married. Also, it could still blow up and back on you if his wife finds out, and at some point she will. That can get really hairy.

 

You would be more happy if you got you a couple of FWB's and just not jump into any relationships for a while.

 

Good luck with all this...

 

Thank you BluesPower.

 

Honestly that is really my thinking right now. I don't require daily contact. I'm a nurse with 3 jobs, 3 kids, 2 of which play travel sports, the other being a 3 year old boy, and trying to maintain some sense of sanity. I don't have time for that nonsense. He often emails daily, and I reply when I can (usually the next day).

 

As far as the playing around a little, I fully intend to should MM still be a MM when my divorce is final. I am not really a sex without an emotional connection person though, I did enough of that in Univeristy

 

As far as my marriage I don't believe there is anything worth saving. I don't love him anymore. 8 years of emotional neglect kind of wears you down. Please know that I did everything (I think) that I could have done. I tried to find out what I could do to be a better spouse to him, I told him exactly what I needed from him, he refused to do any of it he wouldn't see a dr, balked at counciling, refused to even look at finances. When I talk to him he says "I don't know why I wouldn't do any of it, I meant to I just never did." You meant to hold me and didn't? You meant to pay bills and didn't? You meant to kiss me and didn't? You meant to have sex with me and you didn't? I don't buy it. If you love someone you make an effort. Part of me feels he loves the idea of a family rather than the actual act of being married. Again, he is a great dad, and he is amazing for helping around the house, help with cooking, driving the kids to their activities when I'm working, etc., but I don't need a housekeeper

 

As for it being wrong. I know this. I am not cold and heartless. As I'm sure most of us say, this is so out of character. I don't want to hurt his wife. My biggest fear is that she will find out. I understand we are both to blame, maybe me more so because I initiated and neither of us had done this before. I am wondering if I saw a weakness, an open door and let myself in? Regardless it won't matter who started it when it all comes to a head.

 

I really appreciate your advice. I am not sure where I will go from here. I do enjoy the emails, conversations, and when we do get together, but at some point I need to let him go.

[BluesPower]

I get all that. I will never understand how men can neglect their wives the way you do.

 

I have had some bad times in my marriage, long story, but I always took care of her physical needs, not just sex, but affection. People need to be touched.

 

I still don't know if we will make it for sure, but she was never neglected.

 

I hope everything turns out for you. And your right, you really need to dump MM he is not worth the trouble, trust me on that.

 

Good luck...

[Jersey born raised]

Be careful with the word love. Do you love the way it feels with you are with him or love him? Perhaps you would be best to view this as simply an exit affair that gave you insight into what you want in the future.