Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[Ahurtgirl]

TO make a very long story short, my 4.5 year affair has come to an abrupt end due to my contacting the wife to check on the safety of my affair partner. Then I was asked if he could share my phone number to have her contact me if she wished, which I did agree to, but after thinking about it, decided to contact her first since she was obviously already knowing about our involvement (or at least I thought so based on his text to me about asking if he could share my number with her since I had called her from an anonymous number when I was worried about him).

 

Well, to my surprise, she was curious as to why I called and said her husband was acting like nothing happened. They hadn't even talked about the call I made to her during the night! But now she was wanting to know more. So we had a very awkward conversation and immediately after speaking with her, she apparently went to tell her husband that I had called her again and everything went south after that. I think he thought I called her to tattle, but I was trying to actually do damage control believing he had already told her about us. Ugh! He has requested for me to never contact him again, and I have requested the same of him. He says he could never forgive me for contacting his wife so there is now not a possibility of us being together in the future. Just a few days before, he sounded like he was getting close to making a change to be with me but wasn't sure of the timing factor.

 

Has anyone else ran into the wife being contacted by the other woman not intentionally but more so due to a miscommunication? It really doesn't probably matter anymore how it all came down, but it would be great to relate to someone who understands this. I did send him an apology that by contacting his wife I made irreversible damage to our relationship and in his marriage and told him that I still loved him but that I understood that there was no longer a possibility of a future together. I know he blames me as had I of been not feeling so insecure about him being with this wife that night and then him calling me intoxicated, I fully believe the situation as such would have never of happened. I had fully intentions of never talking to his wife but when things fell apart I thought contacting was the right thing to do since I fully expected her to have already been informed by him. Any words of helpful advice in healing after having found who I thought was the person I would spend my future with once we had things figured out with our current situations?

 

I realize now that believing that a married man would ever leave his wife for the ow was a complete lie on his part and even though he threatened that if I ever contacted her, that opportunity would forever be gone, due to how my originally intention was not to inform her and a complete misunderstanding about him giving her my number, I would have thought he would have tried to work at being with me rather than her. I guess life goes on. I'm sure he already has things settled down at his home and working at making his marriage be the best it can be. He is the type that puts all in when he wants something and his view shifted immediately to his wife and his family as soon as the going got tough by my mistake.

Edited August 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[alsudduth]

[] Why would you get involved with a married man in the first place?

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[Ahurtgirl]

I think because it seemed safe to be friends with him because he was married at the start. He pursued me like crazy and I kept telling him that we were both married but the more I tried to push away, the more irritated he became each time I wouldn't give in to his sexual desires. I finally gave in and it was an intense experience and he was much kinder to me after. Then we just became more and more involved and he promised we would be together some day. He made a lot of promises that I fully believed and we discussed in depth our hopes for a future together. We had much more of a relationship than an affair but it still would be considered an affair by any outsider.

[Ahurtgirl]

Just looking for anyone who can relate to having made contact with the wife of your affair partner. It was more of a misunderstanding that contact was made due to me being concerned about my affair partner and me also feeling insecure about him spending time with his wife. It was not done in retaliation or to be vengeful. We were actually at a very good point in our relationship.

[Ahurtgirl]

He literally ended the relationship with me the same day and we are done. 4.5 years of believing he was the one I would spend my future with.

[alsudduth]

[]

 

I'm recovering from having an affair, my OM was legally separated, but I'm married. I got caught. It was one of the worst days of my life. Like you, I was so sure that the relationship I had with my OM (and it was a long term Emotional Affair - EA) was the real deal, that it was more than just a fantasy, but the truth was, if after 2 years I couldn't leave my marriage, I never was. when I got caught I was in the process of trying to end the A. I'm grateful that my H is giving me time to prove my remorse....

 

The only advice I have for you, is be grateful it's over - find out why you allowed yourself to be swayed into an affair and stray from your H. And get into some counseling. IC for me has been so beneficial, I know all the advice already I get from my counselor, but to be able to talk things out with an unbiased party is super rewarding in my opinion. Good Luck.

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[cozycottagelg]

[]

 

He says he can't have a future with you now that you have contacted his wife, because he never intended on leaving her.

 

She knows something is up, he is freaking out and the easiest thing to do for him is to cut you out.

 

Cheaters are liars and cowards.

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[Lobe]

[]

 

And yeah, I can understand why your MM said you contacting his wife was a dealbreaker - he would have told her about you only if he had a) been caught or b) made a decision. The fact you outed him, as much as it saddens you to feel like you're now being "punished" was a gift to his BW, who it seems had no clue that anything was going on behind her back.

 

What do you do next? You pick up the pieces of your life and move forward. You say you were both married when the A started - did you leave your husband already?

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[sandylee1]

You sound quite young and naive ... how old are you?

 

So you have had 4 and a half years with him and you gave in because he was irritated with your refusals in the beginning? I really don't understand why he felt he could approach you in this way to begin with. Surely in your refusals you told him you were married as was he and that you weren't interested? Because in your shoes, I would have told him to back off otherwise I'll tell his wife or your husband or both. Why didn't you think of this?

 

Back to the here and now. He was never going to leave her and he is a user like the vast majority of MM.

 

You aren't designed to be an OW if you feel insecure about him spending time with his wife. That's what married people do all the time. Why did you think this situation is or was any different?

 

Sort your marriage out or leave your husband. You clearly don't care or respect him.

 

Try and visualise him as a pimp that you want to get far away from.

[ChickiePops]

Have you left your marriage? Does your husband know about the affair (it is an affair, not a normal relationship, regardless of what you call it).

[S2B]

This is a gift to yourself!

 

It's over now with him. Focus on repairing the damage you've caused in your marriage - or get a divorce.

 

Decide and put energy into your decision.

[cocorico]

TO make a very long story short, my 4.5 year affair has come to an abrupt end due to my contacting the wife to check on the safety of my affair partner. Then I was asked if he could share my phone number to have her contact me if she wished, which I did agree to, but after thinking about it, decided to contact her first since she was obviously already knowing about our involvement (or at least I thought so based on his text to me about asking if he could share my number with her since I had called her from an anonymous number when I was worried about him).

 

Well, to my surprise, she was curious as to why I called and said her husband was acting like nothing happened. They hadn't even talked about the call I made to her during the night! But now she was wanting to know more. So we had a very awkward conversation and immediately after speaking with her, she apparently went to tell her husband that I had called her again and everything went south after that. I think he thought I called her to tattle, but I was trying to actually do damage control believing he had already told her about us. Ugh! He has requested for me to never contact him again, and I have requested the same of him. He says he could never forgive me for contacting his wife so there is now not a possibility of us being together in the future. Just a few days before, he sounded like he was getting close to making a change to be with me but wasn't sure of the timing factor.

 

Has anyone else ran into the wife being contacted by the other woman not intentionally but more so due to a miscommunication? It really doesn't probably matter anymore how it all came down, but it would be great to relate to someone who understands this. I did send him an apology that by contacting his wife I made irreversible damage to our relationship and in his marriage and told him that I still loved him but that I understood that there was no longer a possibility of a future together. I know he blames me as had I of been not feeling so insecure about him being with this wife that night and then him calling me intoxicated, I fully believe the situation as such would have never of happened. I had fully intentions of never talking to his wife but when things fell apart I thought contacting was the right thing to do since I fully expected her to have already been informed by him. Any words of helpful advice in healing after having found who I thought was the person I would spend my future with once we had things figured out with our current situations?

 

I realize now that believing that a married man would ever leave his wife for the ow was a complete lie on his part and even though he threatened that if I ever contacted her, that opportunity would forever be gone, due to how my originally intention was not to inform her and a complete misunderstanding about him giving her my number, I would have thought he would have tried to work at being with me rather than her. I guess life goes on. I'm sure he already has things settled down at his home and working at making his marriage be the best it can be. He is the type that puts all in when he wants something and his view shifted immediately to his wife and his family as soon as the going got tough by my mistake.

 

 

 

Every thing you have written here describes a situation of very unequal power.

 

He pursued - you relented.

 

You felt insecure - he set boundaries in place regarding contact.

 

He wanted to give your number to his BW (presumably to keep you on the back foot) - you acquiesced.

 

You (hoping to do damage control) asserted some agency in calling his BW - he responds by ripping the rug out from under you.

 

You tie yourself in knots apologising, trying to win back his favour - he ignores.

 

What exactly is in this for you? He is treating you poorly, like some lesser being, and you're wanting more? Does your H treat you well, or does he also treat you so awfully?

Edited August 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ladydesigner]

He literally ended the relationship with me the same day and we are done. 4.5 years of believing he was the one I would spend my future with.

 

(((Ahurtgirl))) it is better you discovered this now than to spend even more years with this dirtbag. He was never planning on leaving... given he had the perfect opportunity to when sh*t hit the fan.

[imsosad]

Maybe I got this all wrong, but it seems to me that the part that is killing you is that you think you were this close to getting him and now it's all about you contacting his wife, deal breaker,no contact.

Listen, the affair has been going on for over four years. If he intended to leave,he'd have done that by now. He was never going to. You just gave him a good excuse to say see?its all your fault.

A MM throwing his OW under the bus and going no contact once his wife finds out is pretty much the norm. Pick random threads and see how common this theme is.

You make it all to be a misunderstanding, but coukd it be you were hoping to give him a final nudge towards leaving?

Not that it matters. I think he is BSing you with the deal breaker nonsense. He was going to carry on the affair as long as you let him.or until he got caught. Well, he got caught so he drooped you. I know it hurts.

What is your situation? Is your marriage salvagable?

It will take time to absorb this, it will hurt. But here is a chance for you to pull yourself together and sort out your life.

Be preapred he may try to contact you once his wife calms down. He may want to continue tge affair, but hopefully by then you will not be willing to be his second best.

Be strong, deal with this mess and know things can only get better now.

[Bufo]

Or will BW try to contact your BH? I don't mean to add to your burden but you must be aware of this possibility. Your problems with him will pale in comparison

to your problems with your H if this happens. It might be disclosure time.

 

4.5 year A? He wasn't going to leave his wife. He may be leaving soon, involuntarily, but don't fall for any pleas you get from him if that happens. Or he may reappear if and when he thinks the heat has died down. Be very careful and remember the lesson he just taught you.

[aileD]

he says he could never forgive me for contacting his wife so there is now not a possibility of us being together in the future. Just a few days before, he sounded like he was getting close to making a change to be with me but wasn't sure of the timing factor.

 

This should tell you all you need to know. You were nothing to him. I'm sorry. Now is not the time to be focusing on making sense of it all because it doesn't make sense....because it was a lie.

 

Be happy you found out now, and have the truth and don't have to wonder anymore. Move on and be happy with your life and change your routine/ph#/anyway he can contact you because once the fear of his wife leaving him is over again, you'll be the first person he calls.

[Poppy47]

This man sounds like a control freak. Were you afraid of him and gave in to him?

 

He certainly called all the shots and had you firmly in your box. Just be pleased it's over.

 

Do not give your power away ever again.

 

Poppy.

[privategal]

I can see both sides here.

I think he was trying to convince his wife...look, she's a friend, here's her number if you don't believe me.

He just did a bad job of communicating the goal or strategy to AP that he was trying to gaslight his wife and needed her buy in should she be called.

Instead OP took the preventative measure of confronting it head on...now she looks like the crazy jealous AP bunny boiler. I must say it does seem a bit off to contact your affair partners WIFE if you are concerned about him, that's pretty bold no?

soooo....HE was doing his own minimalization and damage control, but when OP called the SECOND time he was like oh hell no.

If things were going well in your affair, Affair 101 says do not contact or interfere in APS family in any way.

It's best though that it's over, there isn't a good clean ending to an Affair, it's always messy and hurts.

Personally I don't see him coming back, he was forced into a D-day and he resents it.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sorry for everything that you're going through.

 

I think I'm being a bit slow! Will you tell a bit more about what happened? Were you worried for his safety/health because you couldn't contact him? Was he supposed to be leaving his wife that day? I don't really understand why you called or he gave her your number or anything really.

 

It's generally the unwritten rule of affairs that the OW NEVER talks to his wife or children. You blew his world up (to be honest I think he deserved this anyway) & conflict avoidant men HATE conflict!

[Ahurtgirl]

I believe you are correct. My actions forced him to face his biggest fear which was never in the plan. Complete misunderstanding and if he called me intoxicated now, only three days later since the end, I could care less if he would drink and drive. I know he will never contact me again as he stated clearly that he hated me and would never be able to forgive me. I feel awful and wish I could go back in time and fix it, but can't. It really doesn't matter. She can keep her cheating husband. I am never getting involved with a married man again.

[ladydesigner]

I'm sorry for everything that you're going through.

 

I think I'm being a bit slow! Will you tell a bit more about what happened? Were you worried for his safety/health because you couldn't contact him? Was he supposed to be leaving his wife that day? I don't really understand why you called or he gave her your number or anything really.

 

It's generally the unwritten rule of affairs that the OW NEVER talks to his wife or children. You blew his world up (to be honest I think he deserved this anyway) & conflict avoidant men HATE conflict!

 

Exactly this is exactly how a conflict-avoidant man acts, except with the wife they can't just up and bail so they cheat instead

[ChickiePops]

I believe you are correct. My actions forced him to face his biggest fear which was never in the plan. Complete misunderstanding and if he called me intoxicated now, only three days later since the end, I could care less if he would drink and drive. I know he will never contact me again as he stated clearly that he hated me and would never be able to forgive me. I feel awful and wish I could go back in time and fix it, but can't. It really doesn't matter. She can keep her cheating husband. I am never getting involved with a married man again.

 

I still don't understand. You said in your previous post that you are also married. Where's your husband?

 

If you hadn't said anything to his wife he would have continued stringing you along for years. Ia that really preferable to this?

[Arieswoman]

ladydesigner #21

 

Exactly this is exactly how a conflict-avoidant man acts, except with the wife they can't just up and bail so they cheat instead

 

this ^^ x 1000 !

[Lobe]

bullet dodged...

[Ahurtgirl]

I am separated but that is something I actually had not shared with the MM but had told him I was no longer having any intimate relations with my spouse. I live in the family home but we sleep in separate floors and only retain this location for my daughter until better arrangements can be made, i.e., once we both find others to move on with. Just seems to be the best option when a child is involved. I talked about my MM often to spouse. He had mixed feelings at times but supported me in at as well.

However, my MM was still sleeping in the same bed as his spouse but would tell me how not good his relationship was with her.

Update: So my ex MM and I spoke this morning and I did the contacting. He stated he is working on reconciliation and she now has access to all of his accts, etc. He no longer has any feelings for me. He did explain that he used the call I made to his wife as an excuse to push me a way so he could force himself to have to work on his marriage. I explained that I actually never told her anything about us. He agreed that was true. He admitted to it more being him telling her about how long we were involved and is now trying his hardest to give his marriage a chance.

I feel like I now have closure and can move on. Lessen learned that I will wait for a divorced or single male to pursue me in the future as I never want to go down this road again.