Triggers?

[Blu72]

It's been a while since I really posted about my situation. Long story short I'm a MW involved in on/off PA with a MM. I would say the last year and a half out of 6 years we havent seen each other as much, although we communicate weekly. We go in spurts due to our busy lives and me attempting NC (without really saying thats what I'm doing). Anyway, we used to work together and we still are in the same field. I have been trying to gear myself up for complete NC and its been hard getting there. I shut down FB in an attempt to not see his life up in my face daily and that has helped immensely. I don't initiate contact with him anymore...not that I did that much in the past. He always was the one to initiate the most. The last time we spoke was a week ago. Well today I'm sitting at work and I over hear one of my colleagues discussing him and his place of work. Even though we still talk, I feel that I have been doing my best to pull away and not think about him constantly which I felt I was doing better than usual with. That is until I heard just the mention of his name. My heart started racing and I wanted to just scream at them "STOP saying his name!!!" I finally just excused myself from the discussion and walked away. I was so surprised at how just the mention of his name triggered that reaction in me. Anyone else have triggers like this?

[RedOlive]

Definitely. An impressive collection of most ridiculous triggers for me. The one I find most irritating is seeing an email from someone with the same first name. Even after 3 month of NC it hits me like a freight train. Luckily, it happens very rarely if at all. I think one day when it is no longer an issue I'll know i've healed.

[Blu72]

It just caught me off guard, mostly because I wasnt expecting to over hear and then be in the middle of a conversation about him at work. Him and I are not fighting or anything, we are just kind of in one of our 'distant' phases where we are busy with stuff and Im trying to use this time to disengage. So Im not sure why it sent me in such a panic. And now, I'll probably get an email from him today. I can feel it coming.

[Forever broken]

I feel the same way all the time when I hear his name. I cannot even go to my favorite places because it reminds me of him. My own house gives me nightmares. His co-workers from his departure even triggers me because they remind me of him. You are not alone blu.

[Katyp]

I had a massive trigger last year watching ironically the series called The Affair. My XMM was the double of Dominic including his mannerisms and out of nowhere I burst out crying and couldn't stop for several weeks!! I am too embarrassed to tell you when my A ended but that programme brought all the memories back as if it only happened yesterday. I had to have IC and it never worked. I have just learned to live with my feelings over time. I know he never thinks about me as he disappeared and went totally cold on me after I finished with him after 7 year affair. He took my heart with him and I know that now. I lead an exceptionally busy life so it's easy to put him to the back of my mind but he's always there in the shadows.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Katyp

[Ronnie33]

Any show that has an affair in it, sets me off. The Affair is hard for me to watch also. His name sets me off, songs on the radio. There's always something.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Ronnie33

[Blu72]

Yeah "The Affair" - not a show to watch when in one or just out of one.

One of my colleague's last day was last week and it's because he went to work with him. My AP told me a month ago that my colleague was being considered for a job with his company, so I knew it was a possibilty but I just kinda forgot about it. Then 2 weeks ago my colleague told me he was leaving and was hired by my AP - and there it was another "trigger". I guess the mere discussion of him in a different context outside of our affair sets me off for some reason. This job was one he offered to me numerous times - hell no was my answer. If it werent for working together in the first place we wouldn't be in this position 6 years later. 4 years ago when he left the company was some what freeing for me.

[Blu72]

And just as expected, I received an email at 10:30 from him. I knew I felt it coming. It was just an email asking advice about something he knew I would know, but I also know he could have figured it out on his own. Just another "check-in" email I am sure. over it.

[Poppy47]

Lots of Triggers everywhere after 8 years. They are becoming less emotional after 18 weeks NC but still upsetting at times.

 

You just have to tough it out.

 

Poppy.

[Blu72]

So I went back on FB today and quickly shut my account back down. After a month of being off it, the first thing that pops up on my newsfeed is a picture of MM that he was tagged in..one he didnt know was being taken of him, with the most brilliant smile. A smile I often saw staring back at me when we were together. It triggered so many things inside me...knife to the heart. Nope no more FB. Ugh. I haven't seen him in 2 months and in those 2 months we haven't spoken a ton. Mostly him reaching out to see how things are. I'm trying my best to remain distant so I can disengage. I am not ready for complete NC, but I feel like I'm almost there. This is hard and I hate it.

[Poppy47]

So I went back on FB today and quickly shut my account back down. After a month of being off it, the first thing that pops up on my newsfeed is a picture of MM that he was tagged in..one he didnt know was being taken of him, with the most brilliant smile. A smile I often saw staring back at me when we were together. It triggered so many things inside me...knife to the heart. Nope no more FB. Ugh. I haven't seen him in 2 months and in those 2 months we haven't spoken a ton. Mostly him reaching out to see how things are. I'm trying my best to remain distant so I can disengage. I am not ready for complete NC, but I feel like I'm almost there. This is hard and I hate it.

 

Why are you friends with your AP on FB? Unfriend him. It will be easier,

Poppy.

[Blu72]

Well we had been colleagues and work friends for 10+ years prior to anything happening between us so we had already been FB friends. But you are right. Its probably time to 'unfriend', but then I would get bombarded with questions from him and our mutual friends as to why. So for right now Im just shutting it down.

But now seeing his face....just ugh. Makes me want to reach out to him but I cant and I wont. I'm posting here instead.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Why are you friends with your AP on FB? Unfriend him. It will be easier,

Poppy.

 

Better yet, block him. I did.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well we had been colleagues and work friends for 10+ years prior to anything happening between us so we had already been FB friends. But you are right. Its probably time to 'unfriend', but then I would get bombarded with questions from him and our mutual friends as to why. So for right now Im just shutting it down.

But now seeing his face....just ugh. Makes me want to reach out to him but I cant and I wont. I'm posting here instead.

 

Seriously, these days no one will notice if you unfriend someone. I think it looks odder to deactivate. Personally I would block him. Its going cold turkey.

[Blu72]

I think he thought I blocked him because he noticed I wasnt on there and asked where I was on FB. I told him I needed a break from it. I think he knew it was because of him, because when I got on there today I noticed he had deleted some of his posts that kind of moved me to shut it down in the first place. Nothing crazy, but just some things that made me realize I cant stand seeing his life up in my face, even if it is only once and awhile. He isnt one to post a ton, but still. So I think he got why I did it.

[ShatteredLady]

Triggers are the strangest things. You can do your best to block the obvious ones but perception is a strange thing.

 

When my brother committed suicide every bloody TV show mentioned suicide. Every other advert had a big brother & a little sister etc. it was torture. Of course these things were always there but they became huge triggers.

 

My husbands OW's name is Wendy. You have no idea how often that name is mentioned...even forget about the burgers & Peter Pan, it's EVERYWHERE!

[Poppy47]

Well we had been colleagues and work friends for 10+ years prior to anything happening between us so we had already been FB friends. But you are right. Its probably time to 'unfriend', but then I would get bombarded with questions from him and our mutual friends as to why. So for right now Im just shutting it down.

But now seeing his face....just ugh. Makes me want to reach out to him but I cant and I wont. I'm posting here instead.

 

Blocking is a good idea also. It means you have to unblock to look. It's correct that people don't notice anyone being unfriended. If he questions you, so what?

 

Tell him you don't want to be his friend anymore, or simply don't reply. It's not his place to know.

 

Poppy.

[Blu72]

Haven't heard from MM since he last contacted me a little over a week ago under the guise of asking my advice on something. We exchanged a few back/forth emails on the subject and that was that. I have not reached out to him myself in over a month. All communication has come from him when we do interact. And for the most part I have been trying to deal by using this time to disengage from all of it. But this weekend Im just having a hard time... I am wanting to reach out. I know I won't, but just the thought that I want to is enough to drive me crazy. I know I will most likely hear from him this week. I can tell by his last email he is thinking Im pulling away - which I am. So when he feels this way, he will wait it out and then I will get another email about "nothing" - his way of checking in. So I feel that is coming..its the pattern between us. Anyway, we are not fighting or anything - just in one of those distant phases. But I am contemplating just ignoring his next form of communication and just be done with it. But I feel horrible being someone who would just ghost someone like that. But Im also afraid to just straight up tell him I need NC for fear of how he will try to keep me pulled in with promises that things will be different when they won't.

 

I'm such a coward when it comes to ending this. I don't want to hurt him, but I also want to stop hurting while on this neverending rollercoaster ride of emotions with him.

Edited September 10, 2016 by Blu72

[privategal]

Hurt or be hurt.

Distant phase hmm?

Isn't that when they are restless with you and don't need you right now but just as you get a little stronger and he senses you pulling away too much he will strongly pull you back and love bomb you for another temporary high on the roller coaster.

The distant phase is a form of ghosting and if you aren't comfortable doing that send a short but succinct "I've considered this and would like to end things and focus on our own lives, I will no longer be in contact any longer"

Do you think he's hurting when he has warm and happy holidays and vacations with his wife?

How bad is he hurting If he's been distant?

I'd make this the end now and don't wait another day.

[Blu72]

Everything you say is spot on. And for the most part I have been the distant one for the better part of 6 months. Him and I just don't really talk about that, because ya know it's easier that way smh. So pathetic. I'm just really trying to not create more drama with this, when that is exactly what is occurring with this bs. We've known each other for 20 years and in this "affair" on/off for 5 years. Im ready for it to be done.

[Blu72]

First of all, I started this very strict diet (lost 8lbs so far YAY me!) so I am extremely emotional this week due to intense cravings. And I have not heard from MM in 2 weeks since he emailed me asking for advise. I have been putting my efforts into this diet so for the most part I havent been really thinking that much about him contacting me. So last night I am just sitting watching TV and I get a random IM from a guy we both know. We have both worked with him. MM probably hasnt seen or talked to this person since MM left the company some 4 yrs ago. Anyway he proceeds to tell me he just saw MM at an event. So Im thinking, ok why are you randomly IMing me this. So he tells me how MM saw him too thru the crowd and MM said hi to him but at the time he was frazzled with something to do with the event and kinda blew MM off not meaning to. He said he felt like an ass so he looked for MM to talk to him some more but could never find him. So he says "next time you talk to MM let him know I tried to find him,etc". I said ok and left it at that, but still not sure why he felt the need to tell me all this and why was I the first person he thought to tell. We have other friends in common and its definitely (to my knowledge) not common knowledge that MM and I even still talk on a regular basis since he left the company. So I found this odd and like the universe was testing me. Today I have such an urge to email MM to tell him, just so I can hear from him. Pathetic, I know....i guess cravings arent just for the food I am missing. UGH - so I am posting here instead.