3.5 years wasted :(

[Rikki67]

Here is my story, and I am not sure it is over yet. This is just the short of it.

I have been with a MM for the past 3.5 yrs. He left his wife behind for another job and because they weren`t getting along. He would go home for Holidays for a few days. Never longer than a week. And I was (kind of) okay with that. Because, I had him 95% of the time. We loved, lived and laughed together. When I met him i was in the middle of my own divorce. My children were grown, so are his, and I was ready to move on. He bought a house for me to live in. Next door to him. I do pay rent. Didn`t want him to think it was his money I want. Last year his BS decided she wanted to rekindle their marriage. MM halfheartedly agreed. It lasted less then 3 month. And he was back with me. We aren`t young anymore.

She did live 700 miles away. He told her it isn`t working and he wants her to divorce him. He feels he can`t file because he is the one that betrayed her. Its a religous thing. Anyway, last week she moved within 100 miles of where we live to watch their grandchild while the daughter is at work. Needless to say, she came to visit last weekend and they rekindeled again. This is just too much for me now. Yes, she is his wife, and there is so much that they have together (Children, Grands, Property, Money etc.). He says he doesn`t know if it will work out with her after all this time. I said, Good Luck, and shut the door. But, my heart is breaking. Living next door to him, the NC is hard to enforce. Plus, I have to see MM with BS. I am not able nor willing to move (the rent is great), just yet. I know she is in his head and I am in his heart. I have decided to let it be for now. And, should he come back to me I will set the terms. Enough is enough! I am heading towards 50 and MM is 60. Time is running out!

Edited August 26, 2016 by Rikki67

[imsosad]

I am so sorry for the pain and hearbreak you are feeling.

One thing jumped out at me. He's cool with having a long term affair but is too religious to file for a divorce? I call BS.

Living next door, in a house that he owns sounds like torture to me.

My guess is they will have a short honeymoon phase,followed by another bount of drifting apart. This is where he will try to rekindle your affair.

The most important thing for you is to figure out what you want, even if it meand identifying something you cant have. You have to know what you want and take it from there. I think your best bet is to assume that the past predicts the future and decide if you are willi.g to go on these terms or if it is better to cut your losses, move house and start over.

Be strong, you deserve better.

[Lobe]

I know she is in his head and I am in his heart. I have decided to let it be for now. And, should he come back to me I will set the terms. Enough is enough! I am heading towards 50 and MM is 60. Time is running out!

 

You don't know this. In fact, his actions show something completely different - she is in his heart, too, or he would not be willing or able to "rekindle" things.

 

If he can't stay away from his BS, then you need to make sure he can (and does) stay away from you. Are you sitting around waiting to see what happens? Is he still talking to you? Have you bothered to put any safety precautions in place so that he can't yank your chain anymore while he sits on the fence?

 

Time isn't running out - you have all the time in the world to sit and wait. The question is, will you?

 

Set your terms now, not for your MM but for YOURSELF. What advice would you give me to protect myself from further hurt if I was in the same situation?

[loveisanaction]

I have to agree with Lobe on this one, she is in his heart to, she is still his wife.

 

You said it yourself that he has history with her, the kids, grandchildren, business, all those things are difficult to walk away from. By moving closer to live with him his wife is showing that she wants to try and salvage her marriage.

 

She’s his wife, no matter what you had with him (this is going to be a painful but truthful pill for you to swallow) she comes before you. You shouldn’t just let it be for now, you should just let it be.

[Ahurtgirl]

So sorry you are going through this. I think you are wise to have cut ties and unless he will end his marriage, do not, and I repeat, do not go back into his arms again. I am five days into an affair that ended after 4.5 years because I called his wife but even though I didn't give her any information, other than that I was worried about him, it was enough to make her put the dots together and he now hates me for it. He is blaming me for everything, so I think if you can, if he comes back, absolutely demand him to divorce her immediately before she finds out about the affair and because if that happens, you definitely won't have a chance with him. He will only blame you and hate you forever. You are making the right choice to go no contact. If he really wanted to be with you, honestly, I think the advice I have been given is true; he would have already divorced her and pursued you.

[veryhappy]

Did you sign a lease? If you're not paying market rent and don't have a lease I suspect you won't be getting the mistress discount for long.

 

I would look into moving if I were you. Imagine his w moves in with him next door to you. I mean it can make any reasonable woman a bunny boiler.

 

 

Him running away, ber getting closer has probably been their relationship from the beginning. I wouldn't be surprised if she was the one who pursued him when they were young. When he'll distance himself from her again, it will take a lot to say no to him, so prepare for that.

 

Quite frankly, be doesn't have much time. At 50, you still have plenty. Let her balm his achy joints, grieve and move on.

[Rikki67]

I appreciate All of your Inputs.

You are ALL right in your replies. I know he should`ve divorced her a long time ago. Living next door to him is HELL. I know when he comes and goes. It drives me absolutley crazy. But, moving is not in the cards right now. Financially I can`t.

Yes, the whole religious reasoning is BS! I know that. He made it clear he is married at our last conversation, which was Monday. We had contact Tuesday and Wednesday. Short and not about the A. Since then nothing. And I plan on leaving it at that. Unless I absolutley have to have contact I will not have any.

I gave him plenty of chances and time to get off that fence. I DO deserve better! Thank you All!

[Rikki67]

cutedragon - Luckily I do have a lease. Just renewed this month. And I do pay rent!

[Cymbeline]

A sixty year old, hypocritical, untruthful religious man? He will (if he has t already) have ed, bad breath, grumpy syndrome and Alzheimer's as well as a huge entitlement problem.

 

Why do you want to be a nursemaid and career for this idiot as he enters his dotage?

[Poppy47]

A sixty year old, hypocritical, untruthful religious man? He will (if he has t already) have ed, bad breath, grumpy syndrome and Alzheimer's as well as a huge entitlement problem.

 

Why do you want to be a nursemaid and career for this idiot as he enters his dotage?

 

I take you comments as ageist and offensive Cymbeline. I am 69 myself. I am not grumpy, I have excellent dental hygiene and work as an academic. There is no sign of Alzheimer's in my brain.

 

My husband died very early with Alzheimer's and it can occur at any age.

 

You paint with very broad strokes indeed.

Poppy.

[Rikki67]

Cymbeline, he maybe 60, but he is in very good shape, physically. He works in a very high stress job, and is on top of his game mentally and physically. That's what attracted me to him in the first place. Other men his age were overweight and out of shape. He is educated and very articulate

Is he an A$$? Yes!

[BuddyX]

Cymbeline, he maybe 60, but he is in very good shape, physically. He works in a very high stress job, and is on top of his game mentally and physically. That's what attracted me to him in the first place. Other men his age were overweight and out of shape. He is educated and very articulate

Is he an A$$? Yes!

 

Reread your last sentence. That right there is your answer. Why do you want to be affiliated with an Ahole, and a coward?

[road]

If you are living next door you are not NC with your OM.

 

 

He is never leaving her or her him. Time for you to do a real NC and move far away and block all his means of contacting you.

[jenkins95]

(((Rikki67)))

 

So sorry to hear that you are going through this awful pain.

 

As we see so many times, the bottom line is...... Never get involved with someone who is married, whatever the circumstances.

 

It is extremely likely that everyone involved in the story will end up broken hearted, and it is almost guaranteed that at least one person will.

 

Be strong, 100% NC and no turning back. Claim your life back and become free again. You are still relatively young. Don't waste another minute on him.

 

I wish you nothing but the best.

 

Keep posting. J

[Daisy2013]

Sorry you are going through this. My MM used to say sometimes that in this type of relationship, one person always gets hurt more. Guess who that might be?

 

BTW, my MM turned 60 during our 4 year affair., I am not quite 50. He took my breath away and always will. Even as I look for signs of aging in hopes of it turning my head, no go, my heart still beats quickly when I happen to see him. It is the person, not the age.

 

I hope you can heal and move on to what you truly deserve!

[Rikki67]

Jenkins95, thank you. I learned my lesson. I will enforce the NC as much as possible.

Daisy2013, I know exactly how you feel. He turned 60 during our time together and I'm not 50 yet. The first time I saw him I was toast. Lol. I was 45 and he was 57. It is the person and not the age. You are right.

I can't move away, but I will grow stronger in my resolve to keep NC as much as possible.

Of course, it hurts and especially Friday evening when I come home and BS is parked in his driveway. But, I have to get through this, and I will! This time there is no turning back.

[aileD]

How much of his life were you involved in?

 

And I don't Mean the 95% of time you saw him.

 

Does the wife know about you?

 

Do the kids know about you? Have you met them?

 

Did you have mutual friends you went out with?

[Cymbeline]

"I take you comments as ageist and offensive Cymbeline. I am 69 myself. I am not grumpy, I have excellent dental hygiene and work as an academic. There is no sign of Alzheimer's in my brain.

 

My husband died very early with Alzheimer's and it can occur at any age.

 

You paint with very broad strokes indeed.

Poppy."

 

Apologies Poppy and anyone else who took exception. I am not very much younger, so did not intend to insult those of us who are older. I am irritated because my WH and many I know have had affairs with much younger women so although I would be very happy for my WH and I to navigate old age together, I do truly wonder whytoung women still with the bloom of youth want to tie up their futures with men who are so much older. I realise it was a flippant and silly remark.

[sandylee1]

One thing that stuck out to me is that she moved closer to look after a grandchild, not necessarily to be closer to him,.but decided to give it a go. That's if he's telling you the entire truth, which you really don't know.

 

He would have divorced if he wanted to, but I suspect he doesn't want to loose a load of cash and it sounds like he has a fair bit to loose.

 

I suggest that if and when things end with them again, you do not get back with him unless and until he's divorced. Better still, just get yourself a new man and be done with him.

[Ruffian1]

I do truly wonder whytoung women still with the bloom of youth want to tie up their futures with men who are so much older

 

Well, that is not rocket science.

 

I know of many much younger women with way older men and the common denominator is . . . . . .

 

wait for it, lol

 

$$$, assets, property, set in life, etc

 

Have yet to see a pretty young woman with a broke, down-on-their-luck, out of shape, low-income Older man. ( by choice anyway )

 

Older men can use their "assets" to attract much younger women and the life style that goes with that.

 

Tale as old as time.

[HtotheN]

True. As you indicated, both parties in that situation are getting something they most likely wouldn't get otherwise: He gets a younger, pretty girl and she gets an established man. (Although she doesn't really "get" him since he's already married.)

[Rikki67]

Sandylee1, you are right I don't know the truth. As of right now she spends her weekends with him. I don't know what's being done or said. And yes, there are assets involved as well. He is afraid of losing it. She didn't/doesn't work. Never has. I will not take him back should it not work out with her, unless he is divorced. And by then, hopefully I have moved out and on.

Ruffian1 - As far as the old tale goes, well, yes, I have 'profited' from him being well off. I was going through a divorce when we met, and he helped me financially to an extend. The house I live in he bought so I would have a roof over my head. I do pay him rent. In Dollars! I did not decide to have an A with a MM because of his money. We met, we clicked. Maybe at this time in our lives we just needed each other. He was my best friend. I loved him.

I discovered today that he is/was my drug of choice, and I'm just having withdrawal symptoms. Praying to get through this!

[Ruffian1]

Rikki

 

When I talked about the tale as old as time, I was talking in generalities and not your case. Actually, I was meaning single older man and single younger woman, not in an A, but I can see where that would fall in there too.

 

If he was in a long term M, he would lose half. But if he really wanted to be with you, that should not matter to him.

 

Even if she did not have a paying job, if she was a home maker and raised the kids, she "worked". Just say'n.

[Katyp]

He will never marry you or want you exclusively as he has no respect for you and you allow him to disrespect you by taking up with his wife again right in front of you. He knows you're not going to go anywhere as he knows you are enjoying his money even if it's tied up in his house. Giving you below market rent is still enjoying his money. He loves having two women on the go and it's giving him a massive ego boost not to mention sex on tap from two women. He has no intention of divorcing her at all and a lot of men with money enjoy controlling women in their lives with it. There's nothing for you to complain about really as she is his wife after all and you are having an affair with him. You are the other woman and that is not a good situation to be in at all.The only way you can do anything about it is move away but you won't.

[jenkins95]

I loved him.

I discovered today that he is/was my drug of choice, and I'm just having withdrawal symptoms. Praying to get through this!

Yes, I get this Rikki. The drug analogy is a good one. Me and my xOW were each other's drug too - we openly said it during the A. When you go into NC the withdrawal is horrible.... For a long time.

 

But look at a heroin addict who had been clean for a year. They will appear much healthier and their withdrawal symptoms will have reduced to a fraction of what they were a day after they kicked their habit. But - they will always be an addict, will always crave that drug to a certain extent and will always have to be vigilant. This is how I feel a year into recovery - the pain, the pinning and the longing are largely gone...... But they do occasionally pick at me, and I know that I have to be vigilant all my life.

 

Good luck (((Rikki))) keep the posts up