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I think I was the other woman...


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Hi everyone! This is my first time posting here. I'm not in the best spot emotionally and always see good advice on this site.

 

Sorry if this gets to long. *Sex will be mentioned in post* Met a guy (29, I'm 28F) about 4 months ago in my home state (PA) at a bar. We hit it off really well and went on some dates. From the start he told me he was single. He did spring on me that he was only in visiting family and is currently working in TX. He returned home and pursued me, pushed for a relationship, but I said no, I needed to work on myself which he respected. Literally talked about reasons why I should move there.

 

We agreed friends with benefits with potential (claimed he was happy I was open to a relationship). He said he had no interest in meeting anyone else though. I confirmed our agreement 4-5 weeks ago to see if we were on the same page.

 

Aside from texting everyday we'd FaceTime once or twice a week and it'd always end up really sexual (which I was ok with). We did get to know each other during this time, it wasn't all sexual.

 

He came up when talking to a friend and she said she thought he was married so (of course) we hit Facebook (he said he deleted his, it's deactivated) and we found a picture of a woman with him in her profile and with his last name. The few public pictures proved at one point he was married. I was shocked and scared to ask so I did a lot of indirect questions which led me to believe he was single. He never even mentioned being married to me...two or three ago on FaceTime he was talking about moving something at his house and said "We". I said "Who's we" and he said "We as in I, myself, I say we sometimes it's a quirk...you look like you don't believe me" which I responded "I kind of don't" and he changed the subject. I was shocked, in my head alarms went off.

 

So I decided I need to man up and ask. If he's married I couldn't/can't hurt some innocent girl. I was working on my courage, but after that he got distant to the point where I thought there was no use, things were ending. Then this past week things improved greatly/back to our normal. Sunday we FaceTimed and it was sexual almost the whole time. Great night though. Sent me a good night text saying "Youre amazing, night sexy" I said my good night and the following morning sent my usual good morning. It didn't go through. All day I didn't hear from him and my gut instinct was right. After trying one more text after I knew he'd be home from work and a phone call, I was completely blocked. Less than 12 hours after a great night and we said good night I was blocked.

 

Speculation with some of my friends is he is married and got caught. He's the first guy in awhile I let in. It hurts bc it was so unexpected, such a big cut off (not even ghosting which hurts enough) and I feel like a fool who meant nothing. On top of that I might have really hurt someone (his wife if he's married)

 

Any speculation on what happened and how to cope with this? It's been really difficult for me. Thank you so much!

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MidnightBlue1980
Hi everyone! This is my first time posting here. I'm not in the best spot emotionally and always see good advice on this site.

 

Sorry if this gets to long. *Sex will be mentioned in post* Met a guy (29, I'm 28F) about 4 months ago in my home state (PA) at a bar. We hit it off really well and went on some dates. From the start he told me he was single. He did spring on me that he was only in visiting family and is currently working in TX. He returned home and pursued me, pushed for a relationship, but I said no, I needed to work on myself which he respected. Literally talked about reasons why I should move there.

 

We agreed friends with benefits with potential (claimed he was happy I was open to a relationship). He said he had no interest in meeting anyone else though. I confirmed our agreement 4-5 weeks ago to see if we were on the same page.

 

Aside from texting everyday we'd FaceTime once or twice a week and it'd always end up really sexual (which I was ok with). We did get to know each other during this time, it wasn't all sexual.

 

He came up when talking to a friend and she said she thought he was married so (of course) we hit Facebook (he said he deleted his, it's deactivated) and we found a picture of a woman with him in her profile and with his last name. The few public pictures proved at one point he was married. I was shocked and scared to ask so I did a lot of indirect questions which led me to believe he was single. He never even mentioned being married to me...two or three ago on FaceTime he was talking about moving something at his house and said "We". I said "Who's we" and he said "We as in I, myself, I say we sometimes it's a quirk...you look like you don't believe me" which I responded "I kind of don't" and he changed the subject. I was shocked, in my head alarms went off.

 

So I decided I need to man up and ask. If he's married I couldn't/can't hurt some innocent girl. I was working on my courage, but after that he got distant to the point where I thought there was no use, things were ending. Then this past week things improved greatly/back to our normal. Sunday we FaceTimed and it was sexual almost the whole time. Great night though. Sent me a good night text saying "Youre amazing, night sexy" I said my good night and the following morning sent my usual good morning. It didn't go through. All day I didn't hear from him and my gut instinct was right. After trying one more text after I knew he'd be home from work and a phone call, I was completely blocked. Less than 12 hours after a great night and we said good night I was blocked.

 

Speculation with some of my friends is he is married and got caught. He's the first guy in awhile I let in. It hurts bc it was so unexpected, such a big cut off (not even ghosting which hurts enough) and I feel like a fool who meant nothing. On top of that I might have really hurt someone (his wife if he's married)

 

Any speculation on what happened and how to cope with this? It's been really difficult for me. Thank you so much!

 

First of all, don't put the state you are in here.

 

Anyway, I doubt he got caught. Rather he knew you were on to him and he got the drift that you were not going to play along. He did not want you contacting his wife so he had you blocked. Don't feel like a fool, you are in your 20s, not your 40s, there is a reasonable expectation that guys you meet in a bar in your 20s are single, plus he did not say he was married. That's on him. You should be happy, you figured it out and busted him. It happened to me a lot when I was single. Just brush it off.

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Thank you for telling me that. I tried to edit it, but couldnt.

 

I didn't give any indication of any suspicion after the "we" talk. Why after that night? That's what doesn't make sense to me. He's also coming in in october. We were going to spend 2 weeks together...

 

Thank you for your insight. I do appreciate it.

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loveisanaction

Girl, don't even sweat it, you didn't know that he was married, he lied to you.

 

Like Midnight said, he probably knew that you were onto him, so quickly (like the lying, cheating coward that he is) he disappeared.

 

He will get caught. He probably has done this before and he will do it again.

 

Somebody else will come along and you will open up your heart to him too.

 

Be glad that you didn't waste years with this sad excuse for a human being.

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You have my sympathy given you were lied to. You're only mistake was no to ask straight up "are you married"

 

But as other stated, you dodged a bullet. Go out this weekend, have fun with your friends. Go on a date. Enjoy life.

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Thank you so much for the insight and different perspectives. The friends I told all thought because it was late and in a short time span had to be that, but def could've been his fear of getting caught/me finding out and telling caught up with him. It really kills...he was full of future talk (got my hopes up) and really made it seem like he had feelings for me...I feel so disposable and easily replaced

 

Def agree I made a mistake with not asking straight up if he was or not. I let my fear get in the way of a very big question (lesson learned)

 

I appreciate people caring too. It really means a lot

Edited by Flower22
Clarification
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Grapesofwrath

 

He came up when talking to a friend and she said she thought he was married so (of course) we hit Facebook (he said he deleted his, it's deactivated) and we found a picture of a woman with him in her profile and with his last name. The few public pictures proved at one point he was married. I was shocked and scared to ask so I did a lot of indirect questions which led me to believe he was single. He never even mentioned being married to me...two or three ago on FaceTime he was talking about moving something at his house and said "We". I said "Who's we" and he said "We as in I, myself, I say we sometimes it's a quirk...you look like you don't believe me" which I responded "I kind of don't" and he changed the subject. I was shocked, in my head alarms went off.

 

 

This is where he knew he was busted. He tried the final Facetime so he could gauge you. He figured he still had you fooled, that calmed his nerves, and then he disappeared. He is a liar and a coward. You are SO much better off that you figured this out before October, when you would get closer.

 

You did nothing wrong here. It's all on him. He lied and deceived you. When people set out to deceive us, they are already miles ahead of us. It's not hard to keep up the deception. Yes, you could have asked him directly if he is married. Now you know this, and will do so in the future.

 

I'm with BuddyX: Have fun this weekend. Enjoy your life. Leave this chapter in the past and learn from it.

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I'd friend request the possible wife, then send her a FB message asking if she's married to the guy in the picture.

 

If she says no..you'll know.

 

If she says yes...you have a decision to make. You can fess up, and tell her that you just wanted her to know what happened and that he never gave you a reason to believe he was married until your friend mentioned she thought he was.

 

or, you can say nothing and let her do the questioning of him herself.

 

If it were me...I'd want to know.

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