I am an OW, pregnant by MM

[valerie9]

I have been reading here a lot and finally want to post. I know I'm going to get judged and ripped to pieces, I guess I deserve that... I'm a terrible person. I am 25 years old and for 5 years I have been in a relationship with a MM, who is 38.

 

To start out with, I have no support in my life and no one to kick my ass when I'm being stupid. When I was 2 my dad killed my mother because she was going to leave him. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive towards my mother and me. After my mom died there was a 7 year custody battle for me and my half brother (same mom, different dads). My moms parents, my dads parents, my dads sister and my brothers grandparents were fighting for full custody. It was messy and we were bounced from home to home. In the end my moms parents won. They didn't want me, they wanted my brother. They resented me because MY dad killed their daughter, my brother felt the same, MY dad killed our mom. I was treated like trash and ran away when I was 14. I worked my way through university and graduated. I worked my ass off and kept to myself. I have not had any friends since elementary school. Not a single one.

 

The relationship with my MM started 5 years ago when I was interning at the office he worked in. The first day I started he was checking me out and approached me to welcome me to the company. Everyday he came over to talk to me and flirted very subtle. He would give me tips on how I could do better and get the higher ups to like me. He would compliment my outfit, hair, make up. After a couple weeks I was assigned to his team and he said he would "take me under his wing".

 

I had never been in a serious relationship or had sex at this point. I was at work one day and I was upset because I was dating a guy that called it off because I was a virgin. That guy said I was too inexperienced. My MM picked up that I was upset and asked what was wrong. When I told him he said that most men don't want a virgin, at all. That it's a huge red flag and turn off. I know now that he was lying. He said he would "take me under his wing in more ways than one". I laughed it off at first.

 

A few days offer he said the offer still stands, no strings attached and that he knew his way around women. He started flirting heavily and telling me how beautiful I was. He would come up behind me and touch my hair or rub my back. If I was sitting beside him he would rub my upper thigh.

 

I worked late one day getting things ready for a meeting the next day. He stayed late as well, for no reason. When I went into the conference room, which was empty, he followed me in and kissed me. It took me by surprise but I kissed him back. He told me to go home with him and I did.

 

We had sex that night and it hurt like hell. He said that was normal and it takes time to stretch it out. He said how sexy I was and how good I'd be once he taught me what to do. I got an IUD and he said we didn't need condoms because he was only having sex with me. As soon as we had sex I was so attached to him and just wanted him so badly. I couldn't stop thinking about him and longed for him. Whenever he'd touch me or look at me I'd melt.

 

We kept having sex and it slowly got better. He always paid a lot of attention to me to "teach me what I like" and told me what to do for him. The sex got really good and we have been doing it regularly since. When I'd start to pull back and think this was wrong, he would come on harder, tell me how much I was improving and how sexy I was.

 

He told me over and over that he was married but getting a divorce. There was always hiccups in the (non existent) divorce process. He said his wife was from another country, they got married in that country and had to divorce through their laws. He made fake documents to show me and faked text messages between him and his wife talking about the divorce (I'm pretty sure).

 

He said I was even more sexy because I knew exactly what he liked and wasn't tainted through the influence of other men. That I was groomed perfectly for him. That we would be perfect together. That no man could please me as well as he does. He was always a total gentleman and chivalrous. He said he loved doing things for me because his wife wouldn't let him.

 

He started spending a lot of time at my apartment and wanted to pay some of my bills. He has been paying almost all of the bills, including the rent, for 4 years. He said he wanted to do it because he spent time there and so it would be fair when he moves in with me. If I say I need to buy something he will go buy it without me asking. Like... My cat made a hole in my couch and got stuck inside. I had to cut a big hole to get him out. I texted my MM something like "dumb cat got stuck in the couch!" with a picture. 4 days later a new couch was being delivered at my door that I didn't even know about. I never ask him for money.

 

He keeps making excuses for why he hasn't left yet. He says how much he loves me and needs me. How perfect we are together. He talks about a wedding, future. Asked me to marry him when his divorce is finalized. He put an $8000 rock on my finger. He said the divorce papers were filed, and I went with him to take them to the mail. I don't know what he really mailed... He said he wanted to start a family now that they were filed. He said we should start trying now because it would take a long time to get pregnant. He said he tried to get pregnant with his wife and it never worked, that he had a low sperm count.

 

I had my IUD removed and we had unprotected sex. It made me feel so close to him, even though we had been doing it for years it was different without an IUD. I became more attached and went back to lala land. I regretted it after, but got pregnant the first month we tried.

 

I know now that he is never going to leave his wife. For the first time I saw him out with her. He said he had a lawyer meeting and I followed him. He went to a nice restaurant and was having dinner with her, very happily. I haven't confronted him yet.

 

I am due next week. I have no one other than him, and he was never mine to have. I am just a OW, a homewrecker, aa side chick, a mistress. I love him and hate him. I want to be with him, and to never see him again. My daughter isn't even born yet and I've already given her a horrible start to life. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve my MM, I stole him from another woman. I don't deserve to ever be married after trying to destroy a marriage.

 

I'm afraid to end it and have him take my daughter away from me. He knows some very good lawyers, and has the money to throw at them. He has so much that he could use against me and take her from me. I have no support and I feel utterly stuck.

 

TL;DR: I am 25 years old and have been seeing my 38 year old MM for 5 years. He keeps making excuses for not being divorced yet and faking documents, calls and texts. I'm pregnant with his baby and due next week.

[Grey Cloud]

OMG, this is one of the saddest stories I have read here. I'm sorry about your past and I'm really sorry you are about to give birth with no support.

 

Your MM has manipulated and groomed you from day one. I bet he got off on being with a virgin. And the fact he said he didn't need condoms because he was only have sex with you is complete bull**** as he would have also been sleeping with his wife.

 

Does he have kids with his wife? He wanted to have a baby with you? Have you discussed child support and payments? Have you had a conversation about how this is all going to work? Does his wife have any idea?

 

The biggest priority moving forwards is your unborn daughter not him. Is there anyone you can speak to about this? Can you go to counselling or see a lawyer? He can't just take the baby from you, you also have rights as a mother. Please keep posting and big hugs. Stay strong!

[valerie9]

My mom had really bad postpartum depression, she almost killed my brother, so that scares me. My OB said I'm more likely to get PPD if there is a family history of it. This situation doesn't help.

 

He's used the word "groomed" a few times... He said he wasn't sleeping with his wife because they were separating. 99% likely that wasn't true.

 

He doesn't have any kids (that I know of) with his wife. He told me they couldn't be he had low sperm count (yet I got pregnant first try). I have been to their house once and there was no kids stuff in sight. He wanted to have a baby, he wanted to try sooner than I did. He showed me papers that said the divorce was final and then we tried. He went with me to get the IUD out. I still don't understand that. Why would he want a baby with me if he was never going to leave his wife? He said he is going to be there for the baby and provide everything it needs. He has bought a lot of stuff, that is at my apartment. He wants her to have his last name.

 

His wife doesn't know anything to my knowledge. He has always said she doesn't know about me. I have been seeing a counselor.

 

I'm afraid if he does take me to court they would choose him and his wife to raise my daughter. They are married, I'm a homewrecker. Combined make way more than I do. He could have support from his parents. I have absolutely no support. I have a terrible past, he was raised a rich boy. I wouldn't even pick me...

[heartwhole]

He sounds like a very dangerous person. It's pathological to go to those great lengths to fool you into thinking he was getting a divorce.

 

Please protect yourself. Take that engagement ring, sell it, and use the money for a good lawyer and baby expenses. (Get it appraised first, if you don't have any documentation on it. LoupeTroop and DiamondBistro are good sites for selling online.)

 

You have no reason to be hard on yourself. Life hasn't been easy on you, but you've accomplished a lot. This man took advantage of you. You can worry about reflecting on what changes you'll make in future relationships later. Right now you've got a baby to bring into this world. I know your mother bear instincts will take over and you'll find the all the strength you need inside you.

[JewelD]

I don't think you'll have to worry about him trying to take your child away. But you need to get a paternity test and file for child support as soon as she is born as it's more likely he will try to deny paternity. A baby would not go over well with his wife so he will try to hide you as best he can.

 

You should also get tested for STD's. Who is to say you are the only woman he's had an affair with over the years?

 

You don't have much choice but to end it. If you don't, it will surely end very shortly after your daughter is born. He's not going to be consistent because he's married.

 

At the heart of it all, your situation isn't that different from a lot of women's. However it came to be, you're a single mother. There are programs that can offer you financial assistance and childcare services. It will be difficult, but you don't need to be with this man to raise a child, and I wouldn't count on him for anything but child support (once you've filed for it).

[whichwayisup]

There's no way the courts will take your baby away and allow him and his wife to raise your child.

 

Continue with counseling, get confidence and strength so you can be the best mom to your baby. Put yourself first and stay out of his life. when you're stronger and able to handle the fight, get a lawyer and take him to court so you can get child support. eventually his wife will find out the truth, he's a real shi.t for trying to hide this from her, this is too big of secret to hide forever from her and the whole family.

 

You have to end it with him completely, he's never going to divorce his wife.

 

I do have to say, I'm sorry that you've been through too much in your young life. That's a lot of pain and rejection for an innocent child. I hope counseling is helping you come to terms with your past so it won't get in the way of your future, especially since you're about to be a mom.

Edited August 17, 2016 by whichwayisup

[valerie9]

He is a pathological liar, and he's really good at it. I've seen him do it at work as well (I don't work in the same building anymore). He spent time making fake documents, having me go with him to mail them, faking text messages from his wife - a whole conversation that he let me read, showed me his call logs that were probably fake too. Who knows what he is telling his wife. I just want it all to be wrong, and he really is leaving her. But I know he won't...

 

I have all of the original paperwork and case for the engagement ring. I have thought about selling it but I think I have to give it back to him, legally. I heard before that if the woman ends the engagement she has to give the ring back because it's an agreement to marry.

 

I feel like such a horrible person and horrible mother. I knew he was married, I shouldn't have been so stupid. Something I always hated growing up, was not having parents. Now I'm giving my daughter that same fate. I also always have hated my mom for getting involved with an abusive man. My MM isn't nearly as bad he has never abused me, but he still isn't what she deserves as a father. I'm a hypocrite. I wonder if I even deserve to have her or if I should place her with a family that can be better for her.

 

He told me that he and his wife didn't have children because she couldn't get pregnant because of his low sperm count. It makes me wonder if he will try and take my daughter and treat her like their own, if there really was a fertility issue. I don't think that would fly with his wife, but he's such a good liar that it could...

 

I have been tested for STD's through my pregnancy. Everything has come back clean.

[Grey Cloud]

Out of interest what was the "fake" text message conversation about with his wife that you read?

 

The fact he said he had a lawyer meeting and you saw him out to dinner happily with his wife speaks volumes about his (lack of) intentions.

[ChickiePops]

Holy daddy issues.

 

Not gonna rip you a new one, you're clearly very damaged and traumatized from your childhood.

 

Are you in therapy? Do you have any friends? Have you contacted any women's shelters? Anything? What are you doing to prepare for your daughter? Do you have savings?

 

My mom was a single mom and I turned out ok. You have to be strong for your daughter now. Can you do that?

[Adoraxx]

You will be a GOOD and LOVING mommy to your daughter, Valerie!! I can tell that you already love her MUCH , just by the way you talk about this little one . I wish you would live nearby so that I could help you somehow.. Do you have people to help you out after you've given birth? I think for now you should focus on your little one first. Is it possible for you to stop hanging out with MM?? Focus on the next days to come, the first weeks with your baby, make sure that you get enough rest and everything else can be dealt with later. YOU and your BABY (both of you!!!) are most important now so try to focus on this. It's really important that you get enough rest (((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))

[bummer]

Being conscious and attentive to address your issues are great skills and will serve you as a mother. You will be fine.

 

You need to get into a church organization, single mothers support group, something to get physical, in-person support. I assume the hospital or doctor where you get checkups can offer a wealth of resources for you? Please speak up!!

 

You'll need to lawyer up somehow to get money to support your baby. Nothing about your relationship with MM sounds healthy. He will continue to manipulate the situation. Get a legal footing and get a support network around you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm actually scared for you.

 

He's very invested in this secret life AND keeping it a secret.

 

He's also very controlling and a manipulative liar.

 

He seems like the type that would snap if the truth came out.

 

I virtually never advise this: keep his name off of the birth certificate, change your name, move. Seriously. Someone this pathological is not someone to mess with.

[redbaron007]

..

I'm afraid if he does take me to court they would choose him and his wife to raise my daughter...

 

Well, I'm not sure which country you reside in, but in most, if not all Western countries, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible to separate a child from it's mother. The other party will have to prove that you are unfit to raise the child. You are obviously educated, have no mental health or substance abuse issues that we readers know of, so it's next to impossible that any court of the land can separate you from your child.

 

My personal experience: After we separated, my ex-wife was arrested for DUI for the second time, this time my 6 year old son was with her in the car, so she was charged with child endangerment. Since we were going through an out of court divorce (called collaborative divorce here in US), I hesitated for a couple of months, which was just enough for my ex-wife to get her ducks in line, sign up for some short-term therapy and declare herself abstinent. I happened to change lawyers, and my new lawyer told me point blank that I missed the bus and it would be tough to petition for full custody, because I should have immediately filed for emergency custody, then full custody right after after my ex-wife's arrest instead of letting her retain custody.

 

So, if my ex-wife, after a second DUI w/ child endangerment charge, can still keep her child, then you, who have hopefully never been in this situation, will never lose your child. So take heart and rest assured nobody can separate you from your daughter. Best wishes!

[loveisanaction]

Girl, you are such a brave young lady. Even with all of the hardship you've been through you still got yourself an education and did something with your life.

 

Your married man is a predator. He saw your innocence and connived you into giving it up. You will make a good Mother, don't let your past dictate your future. Life may have been rough for you but don't you worry, it will get better hon.

 

You've got some great advice on here. Also, there are two other ladies on here who have children for their married men. One of them the married man is taking care of the child. I can't remember their names but i will look for them and post them for you.

 

Not sure though how your married man plans to tell his wife about you though, a child is a big secret to hide.

 

I wish you all the best and what your married man said about men not liking virgins is pure hog wash. Men who just want sex don't like virgins but some men who are religious prefer them, it's a personal choice.

[seren]

Valerie, please stop with labelling yourself, you are not a homewrecker, or any other abusive word you use to label yourself. Yes, you had an affair and as an XBS I will never say that was the right thing to do. But, had my H done this to a young vulnerable girl he would be out of the door and I would be helping her.

 

First off, get some support from a women's group and some solid advice, I think his use of the word groomed and how he was teaching you to do what pleased him says a lot about this man. he has manipulated you and used your inexperience and vulnerability to suit himself, he sounds a right POS. I would consider contacting your firm's HR, but not yet.

 

For now, you need advice and support, speak to you doctor, let them know your concerns and fears. My Mum had really bad post partum depression and I wasn't anything like that after having my son, so it isn't written in tablets of stone that you will be the same. Please don't confuse feeling depressed because of any anxiety or feeling sad because of what has and is happening. But it won't hurt to be aware.

 

This man sounds like a predator and if you can, sell the damned ring and get out of there, if not, the best advice I can give you is to get advice. The ring is yours, he gave it to you, you are under no obligation to return it - how can you be engaged when he is married? I would bet he wouldn't push anything too far else he would have to explain it to his wife. Keep his name off the birth certificate, if you are in the UK this will prevent him having shared parental responsibility. He doesn't have any right to apply for custody and I doubt courts would look kindly on someone who preyed and groomed a young, vulnerable girl.

 

If you ever need someone to talk to I am happy to give you my personal email address, I never do this, but your story just touched my heart and I will be thinking of you. You know, sometimes we all do things we regret, sometimes life deals us the worse hand (I know) but it doesn't have to define who we are or how our life works out. I know that is hard to imagine right now, but it can work out. I tell my son each day is a blank page to write the rest of your life on. Try to stop blaming yourself, you will learn from this even though right now it feels like crap. For now, right now, look in the phone book for a women's support group and talk to them, you and your baby girl need to keep your strength up for when you meet each other. You will be a wonderful Mum, I am sure of it. take very good care Valerie xxxx we all have your wellbeing at heart. seren

[Morgoth]

He needs to step up and support the child, if he can afford what you've written he can afford the child. Full disclosure, I am a MM and have a younger SB. We had the pregnancy birth control discussion. Why did you remove the IUD? I can't see how you can get any closer with or without an IUD.

[JewelD]

If he wanted a baby with his wife and he's as loaded as you say, he would have paid a surrogate or adopted. I don't believe he got you pregnant so he could raise the child with his wife. Way too messy as far as paperwork.

 

But you do deserve child support. From what youve said, he's not a homicidal maniac, just the average cheating scumbag. Put him on child support.

[RecentChange]

.... never mind

Edited August 17, 2016 by RecentChange

[wmacbride]

He sounds like a predator who gets off on the power he thinks he has over you. He's probably thinking of the baby not in terms of how he's going to be a dad, but how he was able to lie and manipulate you.

 

There is something really troubling about a man who would go to such lengths to convince you his lies are true, and it's even more troubling that he didn't mind doing it. He's a snake...actually, I shouldn't insult snakes by making that sort of comparison.

 

If I were in your shoes, my first step, and by that i mean right now, would be to set up an appointment with an attorney who is well versed in family law. that way, you will know what your options are, and knowledge will be your power now. arm yourself with it, and don't let hm push you around.

[valerie9]

The text message conversation was about their divorce process and dividing things up. If she signed the papers and mailed them in, if she had some other document signed, when the house goes up for sale, choosing a realtor. It seemed legit. I had doubt after doubt and he kept showing me "evidence" that he is divorcing his wife. It wasn't the first time I've seen his texts. I have looked at his phone briefly when he (maybe purposely) leaves it out and unlocked. It has always pointed towards him divorcing her. But he never, ever has texted her or even received texts or calls from anyone when he is with me. He also just happens to leave papers sitting around about the divorce, lawyer fees, realtor papers, open houses, etc.

 

When he told me he had a lawyer appointment I felt bad following him but wanted to know for sure. Seeing him go the opposite way and meet with his wife for dinner was heartbreaking and like being hit by a 2x4. He walked up to her, hugged and kissed her. Not something almost divorced couples do. Later that night I asked him how it went and he said everything was done on the lawyers end now.

 

I guess I probably do have daddy issues. I am in therapy, I'm seeing two different therapists. One is one I selected, the other is work "mandated" because of my "situation" - which work really has no idea about. One of the therapists does try to bring it back to my parents, but I feel like that is pushing responsibility onto them instead of 'woman-ing' up and taking responsibility. I chose to do it. Maybe because of my past but I still chose to do it. The other therapist (through work) pushes adoption a lot and has referred me a few times to see an adoption counselor, who I have seen.

 

My OB asked if I was single when I went in, because single mothers with no support are more likely to have PPD, apparently. But I said no because MM was there with me, he goes to most appointments. I'm worried that if I tell my doctor what is really going on he will call CPS or something.

 

I don't have any friends, none. Literally. My social life is my MM and people I see at work but don't really talk to. I never go out with anyone, never talk with anyone else. I just suck at making friends and having none, it's not like I can meet friends of friends.

 

I do want to join a mom group or some other type of support group. I get all set to go, and just can't get myself to go. I don't like being around other people like that. I fine with going out, but I'm such an awkward person when I'm being talked to.

 

So I literally have no one. If MM leaves, that's it. I'm 100% alone. I don't even have parents or family that I can call when it gets tough or I need advice. It's always me against the world. I'm scared to have this baby and do it all with not a speck of help or support. She could be here any day and even though my apartment is ready for her, I'm not. Most women can't wait for pregnancy to be over, I'm the opposite. I want to stay pregnant forever because it's easier with her in there and she's safe from all the sh*t I've caused in the real world.

 

I do have savings. My MM has been paying almost all of my bills, and rent, for 4 years. His choice, I've never asked for anything. Almost all of my income has been saved for the last 4 years. So I do have a comfortable amount, I could live for 2-3 years without working at all. If MM walks away and is never seen again, we aren't going to be homeless or starve. I can also pay for a lawyer but if he wants to take it to court that would probably deplete my savings quickly.

 

I'm scared because it's like everything he has told me was a lie. I'm not a totally dumb person, and I didn't really pick up on it. I thought he was lying, but then he'd show me something that made me think otherwise. If he has lied about everything I think he has, then he has gone to some great lengths to keep this secret. I have no idea what he has been telling his wife when he stays with me for a couple days or overnight. It's scary because I don't know what he will do when I tell him I'm done. He's such a good liar that he could hide whatever he wanted or make up whatever he wanted. I'm scared he will make up lied in court and take her from me.

 

I'm scared to give birth and leave with her. I don't want to get in trouble or have him say that I kidnapped her from him. We have texted about her having his last name and him being a good dad. He probably saved that so he can't say I didn't know it was his.

 

Morgoth - I removed the IUD because he said the divorce was finalized and that he wanted to start trying for a baby with me. He said it would take a long time because he had a low sperm count (I got pregnant first try).

 

He can afford the baby and he has bought a lot of stuff. He still says the divorce is finalized and that they are just waiting for the house to go on the market so he can buy a new house. He says he can't move out of that house because if he does he is (he used a different term that I cannot remember) but basically walking away from the house and giving responsibility and ownership to his wife. So that's why he stays there, he says.

 

He doesn't know that I'm thinking of stopping it and that I saw him with his wife. He's still acting normal and coming over tonight. I've been having contractions all day (really far apart) so she could come any time.

[Ana-Iva]

OMG - good luck with the birth!!!

And do not under any circumstances put his name on your baby!!! It would give him more control over you and now her too. Save her from having a mentally messed up daddy. He sounds like the kind of guy who likes innocence and gets turned on by it - keep your daughter far away from him and do not even disclose his name as a father.

[ChickiePops]

What in the world makes you think he could take the baby away from you? You're her mother.

 

Good luck with the birth..it'll probably be today or tomorrow.

[wmacbride]

It's hard, but right now, you need to focus your mind on your child and do what si bets for him or her. That means being honest with your doctors and letting them know your fears and the kind of pressure you have been under, this is especially vital if you are worried about PPD.

 

Also, stop letting your mm buy you things. I know it's easy to allow him to do so, but it's not worth you becoming more and more dependent on him. For your own piece of mind, you need to stand on your own.

 

I would also highly suggest finding a support group in your area for single moms. That will further help you to know that you don't need him in your life.

 

Remember...it's not about you anymore. It's about your daughter and giving her the best possible life you can, and being the best mom you can. it's no cakewalk, but you can do it. You need to find your inner strength...it's there, but your mm has obscured it. .

[valerie9]

I have trouble with it because he IS her dad. That won't ever change. What if she wants to know him? Or he wants to be involved, right now he says he does. If I want to have child support for her benefit, he has to be on the birth certificate. He says he is going to be there when she is born so I don't think I can leave it off even if I want to.

 

I told him that I was having contractions far apart (18-20 minutes for 7 hours). Honestly I'm really scared and he said he'd come over but hasn't yet. I don't want to go through it alone. It already hurts like hell and I know it will get much worse. I don't want to be driving myself to the hospital when I'm in active labor. And I'm just scared to do it alone, and what if something goes wrong.

 

I'm worried about him taking her from me because he knows some of the best lawyers, has a lot of money to spend on them, and is a very skilled liar in his personal and work life. If he makes fake documents, phone calls, etc. he could do that against me and make me seem like an unfit parent. Everything already feels like it is stacked against me. I just don't want to lose her or have him get majority of the time with her. Maybe it's irrational, but it scares me.

 

When I go into the hospital I will try and tell them what is going on and that I'm worried about PPD. It scares me because if my MM isn't around there won't be anyone to help spot the signs of PPD if I don't or won't go in. Once my daughter is born the care goes back to a midwife (I had complications and was transferred to an OB) and she does home visits for 6 weeks. That is all the interaction I'll have.

 

I think I want to talk to my MM and tell him that I want the rent and bills to start coming out of my account again. I can call the companies and have them switch to my pre-authorized account because my name is on everything not his. I don't know if I can make him stop buying other things, because I never ask for things. He just does it. It makes me feel like I have to stay, or something.

 

I just want my daughter to be happy and have a good life. No matter what I feel like she won't. I should have picked a better dad for her. She is never going to have extended family, and it kills me. She has absolutely no one on my side, no one even knows she exists or if I'm alive or dead. Her dad's family will never accept her, because of how she came to be. She deserves better than me and what I can give her.

[wmacbride]

I have trouble with it because he IS her dad. That won't ever change. What if she wants to know him? Or he wants to be involved, right now he says he does. If I want to have child support for her benefit, he has to be on the birth certificate. He says he is going to be there when she is born so I don't think I can leave it off even if I want to.

 

I told him that I was having contractions far apart (18-20 minutes for 7 hours). Honestly I'm really scared and he said he'd come over but hasn't yet. I don't want to go through it alone. It already hurts like hell and I know it will get much worse. I don't want to be driving myself to the hospital when I'm in active labor. And I'm just scared to do it alone, and what if something goes wrong.

 

I'm worried about him taking her from me because he knows some of the best lawyers, has a lot of money to spend on them, and is a very skilled liar in his personal and work life. If he makes fake documents, phone calls, etc. he could do that against me and make me seem like an unfit parent. Everything already feels like it is stacked against me. I just don't want to lose her or have him get majority of the time with her. Maybe it's irrational, but it scares me.

 

When I go into the hospital I will try and tell them what is going on and that I'm worried about PPD. It scares me because if my MM isn't around there won't be anyone to help spot the signs of PPD if I don't or won't go in. Once my daughter is born the care goes back to a midwife (I had complications and was transferred to an OB) and she does home visits for 6 weeks. That is all the interaction I'll have.

 

I think I want to talk to my MM and tell him that I want the rent and bills to start coming out of my account again. I can call the companies and have them switch to my pre-authorized account because my name is on everything not his. I don't know if I can make him stop buying other things, because I never ask for things. He just does it. It makes me feel like I have to stay, or something.

 

I just want my daughter to be happy and have a good life. No matter what I feel like she won't. I should have picked a better dad for her. She is never going to have extended family, and it kills me. She has absolutely no one on my side, no one even knows she exists or if I'm alive or dead. Her dad's family will never accept her, because of how she came to be. She deserves better than me and what I can give her.

 

 

 

Try to find your centre in all of this We've all got one. For you, it can be your daughter. One day at a time, you will be able to build a good life for her, and give her a strong foundation. It's okay to be scared, just don't let that overwhelm you...I know that's a tall order, but you can do it.

 

Seek support from professionals who are there for you. Most hospitals have staff who are trained to assist new mothers who are at a high risk for PPD. They will help you, so don't be afraid to reach out. Their support can make a world of difference.

 

Right now, it might not seem like it, but you are about to start out on the most amazing journey you will ever take. You're in for seeing your baby for the first time, hearing her first cries, feeling her skin on yours for the first time, getting to count her fingers and toes, seeing her open her eyes and look at you, feeling her grow calm when she hears your voice, cuddling her to sleep, seeing her first smile, her laugh, the first time she rolls over, he first crawl, her first wobbly steps, her first time helping you with the daily chores, her first day of school ( you'll be proud of her, but ouch, it hurts to see your baby growing up, lol).

 

After that, you'll be able to help her with her homework, you'll be able to have special "girls day outs", you'll giggle a bit when you see her all mushy because of "puppy love" and your heart will break a bit when hers does. You can help her pick her courses in high school, and then one day, your beautiful baby girl will walk across the stage at her graduation. You'll have tears in your eyes and be so proud of her, and of yourself too.

 

You have it in you to be a great mom. Just take it one day at a time. Each will have something special and give you a reason to smile.