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I didn't know I will like him so much...


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I am currently seeing a married man and I started wondering if I should back off. It all has began 4 years ago when I met him for the first time. There was a few casual meetings, then we lost contact for a year or so. After this time I got into a relationship and during this time he messaged me and wanted to meet. I wasn't into it as I had a bf. He got pissed off a little and deleted my number. Then 1,5 years passed and I received a message from him again (on a dating site), "oh I missed you, it's nice to meet you again, I was thinking about you". So we started talking again, we have met and continued seeing each other for few weeks. I travel a lot and move between the places so we just stayed in touch, there was a little chat here and there, nothing serious. After some time we actually started talking a lot more and getting emotionally attached... We got real close... So I decided to get back to the country and we're seeing each other regularly since then. It's been 4 months now. Everything seems to be pretty normal isn't it, the problem is that I just recently found out that he's married and they're expecting! I was in TOTAL shock. I wanted to be with him, I started falling for him... I had no freaking idea I will fall so deep into this relationship. We had a proper conversation about it and surprisingly I've decided to stay. It was a month ago. He said he won't force me to stay and he should probably leave me alone but decision is mine. He clarified that his feelings are real and he is in the same shock as me and we both are in the same position. He said he likes me a lot and never EVER expected we'd get this close... Just recently I told him that I think I'll back off, he asked me to stay... And I just can't go, I care of him so much, he's so sweet to me. We go places, we laugh, we talk a lot, we share same interests, same sense of humor... I can't stop thinking of him. I thought it's gonna be easy, I thought it's gonna be easy to be the other woman. I couldn't be more wrong... I think it's a very good time to break this up but I don't want to. The worst thing is that I am jealous of his wife and I want to be the one. He knows that. It's difficult to him too because he got attached to me as well. I feel like he's my second half but I'm scared he will always go back to his family. I mean, I know he will always go back to his family... However we spend a lot of time together and he even stays overnights. He always kisses me goodnight and good morning. I really don't know what to do, I don't want to break his family but at the same time I can't do without him. :(

Edited by olivkazp
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I don't want to break his family but at the same time I can't do without him. :(

 

Oh, please.... You are choosing not to do without him. You are in Affair Fog and letting your hormones rule your rational mind.

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ShatteredLady

So....your dream man is the sort of person who lies about being married, searches dating sites to get some extra sex (threatening the life of his unborn child & his wife's health.) He stays out all night, either lying to his wife or just leaving her to loose her mind wondering where he is (stress again threatening the life of HIS CHILD).

 

Wow! You set the bar REALLY LOW when looking for a soul mate!

 

Ok I'm bias. I think that MM in miserable marriages, chasing OW, MM who don't have the balls to leave are pathetic, conflict avoidant, selfish scum...they're the 'good' ones!

 

Then you get the 'happily married' but need a little extra sort! They fake a life with their wives. The bs plans & sacrifices her life while he laughs all the way to the OW bed...what does it matter? If the OW rejects him there are all the other women on the dating sites who can scratch his itch while his W is suffering morning sickness etc.

 

Is he encouraging his wife to be a SAHM? They often do! It's bizarre, they can get away with their crap because their wives love & trust them BUT they are still terrified that she will cheat!! ....or maybe it's a control thing. She's less likely to leave if she relies on him financially. Odds are she will discover that she's married to a slime cheat eventually.

 

For the fun of it do you want to share the reasons he gives to cheat? He can't say they don't have sex (unless it's immaculate conception) so did she trick him? Doesn't she understand him? I bet she's abusive & neglectful, a total harpy!

 

How long have they been married for?

 

I'm sorry. I'm getting jaded. Read some of the other threads here. Get a view of your future. Is this the life you really want? Save yourself wasted months, years, DECADES in some cases. Just go NC & pretend he never existed.

 

A (so called) man who's out hunting for women to shag while their wife is carrying their unborn child is a special kind of cruel, abusive creep. Imagine living his wife's life....Why on earth are you jealous?

 

You either cut him off & try to live an authentic life with a good man....or....

 

Welcome to the forum. We will be here for you as you loose your self-esteem. We will send you virtual hugs as he rips your life apart. We will warn you that he's only being so attentive because his wife has just given birth & cant sex him up.

We will commiserate with you as he dumps you (needs to focus on family & baby) & tell you to ignore him when he comes sniveling back for a quick shag because he feels neglected because his W is exhausted by nightly feeds.

More virtual hugs when he tells you he can't leave because of his child AND when she gets pregnant again although they NEVER have sex.....

 

Congratulations on finding your dream man :sick:

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loveisanaction

Your married man is scum. Sorry, i don't mince words. I just give it straight.

 

This guy was on a dating site (not looking for you). He was looking to get laid. You just happened to be on the same dating site and that's how you re-connected, he was on that site looking for what you have with him now, a chick on the side.

 

Then, not only did you find out that he was married, you also found out that he was expecting a child with his wife and you said you decided to stay. Huh!

 

Girl, you need to wake-up and smell the coffee. This man is building a family with his wife and stringing you along for the ride. You are allowing him to prevent you from finding a man and building a life and a family of your own.

 

It doesn't matter if you do everything with him or that he spends the night at your place, he's still not your man, he belongs to another woman and every minute he spends with you you are stealing that time from his wife.

 

This man will waste, use and take the best years of your life. He won't stop sleeping with you and why should he? He's getting the best of both worlds; a loving wife, a beautiful child on the way and a woman that has devoted her body just for him. He's struck gold, he's not going to give any of that up.

 

But you, if you keep on *seeing* him you will wake up one day an old lady, full of grey hair with wrinkles on her face, no children and no one to call your own. He on the other hand will have a loving wife, beautiful children, a great family and probably a much younger other woman.

 

You want to know what your life is going to looking like 5 years from now? Take a look at how you're living it today.

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A (so called) man who's out hunting for women to shag while their wife is carrying their unborn child

 

Well, not really. Apparently he's not out hunting for women while she's pregnant... They got married last year (we reunited a few weeks after). He made her pregnant while we were together. He's deleted that account almost straight away we've met. I never asked him about it, we never talked about it either, I think there is something wrong with his marriage and he just doesn't want to tell me. There must be a reason why he doesn't act as a proper husband. Another thing what shocked me is the fact he remember all the details from our meetings, he remember what I was wearing at our first meeting, he remember what I was saying, when we kissed for the first time, all the details from our first sexual intercourse (I do remember it all too). We both remember it like it was yesterday. Do you think he'd remember all this stuff (after 4 years) if he was haunting for other women? My ex bf didn't remember when we've met for the first time (so do I, that's why he became an EX). Anyway, I don't think he's as bad as you presented him. He's actually a very genuine man. When I confronted him about his wife he hasn't denied, he just wanted to know what my thoughts are and if I'm gonna stay or not. I don't think he will look for other woman when I leave, because he has not planned to have an affair! I'm sure he loves his wife and cares for me. That's all I know.

 

And please don't judge or hate, not every affair is the same. Guys cheat on their wives for many different reasons.

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This guy was on a dating site (not looking for you). He was looking to get laid. You just happened to be on the same dating site and that's how you re-connected, he was on that site looking for what you have with him now, a chick on the side.

Exactly, that's what he told me, I was supposed to be just a side chick but he didn't expect he'll like me so much either.

 

 

 

 

This man will waste, use and take the best years of your life.

That's why I don't want to continue it for the rest of my life. I think I'd continue to see him for a year, not longer and if it doesn't bring any changes then I'm out, but for now.... It's too early, I want to wait and see how it goes, I'm single anyway. Plus I may fall in love with someone else, if I meet a candidate for a long term boyfriend I'll go for it. I'm not THAT stupid to waste my life for a married man. I'm 26, technically single for over two years and there was no one I'd build a relationship with then I found him....and fell for him. That hasn't been planned, it just happened.

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Oh, please.... You are choosing not to do without him. You are in Affair Fog and letting your hormones rule your rational mind.

 

Hmm, maybe that's love? I am choosing not to live without him for a reason.... but what's the reason though. :confused:

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If you want to always be second best, then stay. The guy is not going to leave his wife and new baby (when he/she arrives) so you will always be on the back-burner. Yes, he might be wonderful to be with. It may have been entirely unexpected to both of you. You may both believe you are soul mates. Don't you think this is how married men always get away with affairs? They convince the affair partner that she is the most important woman in his life - BUT they stay with their wife come hell or high water (as long as SHE doesn't find out what he's up to!).

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MidnightBlue1980

 

And please don't judge or hate, not every affair is the same. Guys cheat on their wives for many different reasons.

 

Tough love coming. Assume you are the rule not the exception. The exception = you're it and he leaves within a few months of meeting you, divorces and gets with you legitimately. The rule = you are giving him the attention and sex he is not getting at home. This is why men cheat. Attention and sex.

 

I assume you have never been pregnant. It sucks in the beginning. You look fat but without a baby and you are sick all the time. You generally do not want sex, only food, but later you want sex, but you are so fat, it is not even easy to do it. Then baby comes. Up all night. No sex at all. Breast feeding, post partum. Etc.

 

Typically in your situation the A will last till the baby approaches 1. Then he will feel guilty and bolt.

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He is so sweet to you, yet he is using you for a side chick to bang before he goes back to his wife. A sweet guy does not sleep around with other women (do NOT believe you are the only one) and risk his unborn child's life because of it.

 

You will always be jealous of his wife. She will always be his first pick and always be his wife. He will always go home to her, not you. You are not his family, that will always be his real family.

 

You ARE breaking up his family. If you really didn't want to do it, you'd stop this now. No, you would have stopped this the moment you found out he was married.

 

He was never yours to have, but you didn't care. That is how selfish you are.

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Well, not really. Apparently he's not out hunting for women while she's pregnant... They got married last year (we reunited a few weeks after). He made her pregnant while we were together. He's deleted that account almost straight away we've met. I never asked him about it, we never talked about it either, I think there is something wrong with his marriage and he just doesn't want to tell me. There must be a reason why he doesn't act as a proper husband. Another thing what shocked me is the fact he remember all the details from our meetings, he remember what I was wearing at our first meeting, he remember what I was saying, when we kissed for the first time, all the details from our first sexual intercourse (I do remember it all too). We both remember it like it was yesterday. Do you think he'd remember all this stuff (after 4 years) if he was haunting for other women? My ex bf didn't remember when we've met for the first time (so do I, that's why he became an EX). Anyway, I don't think he's as bad as you presented him. He's actually a very genuine man. When I confronted him about his wife he hasn't denied, he just wanted to know what my thoughts are and if I'm gonna stay or not. I don't think he will look for other woman when I leave, because he has not planned to have an affair! I'm sure he loves his wife and cares for me. That's all I know.

 

And please don't judge or hate, not every affair is the same. Guys cheat on their wives for many different reasons.

 

OMG, you have this creepy guy on such a pedestal and you are not seeing what is right in front of your face. First of all how can you call him genuine when he is actively deceiving his wife and he deceived you too? What is genuine about that? What do you mean he didn't plan to have an affair? He sought you out, led you to believe he was available, let you move to be closer to him all with the plan of having an affair. What was he doing on a dating site if he wasn't looking for an affair? Yes there is a reason that he cheats. It's because he's a selfish cheater and he doesn't mind risking hurting people to get what he wants. He lied to get you to fall for him and now he's not even offering you anything other than a secret sordid affair.

 

 

His poor wife. Here she is a newlywed and expecting her first baby. This should be the happiest time of her life and her husband is destroying her and their marriage. How awful of him to impregnate her while he knew he was messing around with you. He sounds like a perfectly horrid person and what about you? Why don't you tell your friends and family all about the lovely newlywed man you have met. See how impressed they are when you announce you have found true love with a man whose wife is expecting his child. You are living in a lala fantasy land if you think this is some sort of sweet special romance. It's just gross and dysfunctional.

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Exactly, that's what he told me, I was supposed to be just a side chick but he didn't expect he'll like me so much either.

 

 

 

 

 

That's why I don't want to continue it for the rest of my life. I think I'd continue to see him for a year, not longer and if it doesn't bring any changes then I'm out, but for now.... It's too early, I want to wait and see how it goes, I'm single anyway. Plus I may fall in love with someone else, if I meet a candidate for a long term boyfriend I'll go for it. I'm not THAT stupid to waste my life for a married man. I'm 26, technically single for over two years and there was no one I'd build a relationship with then I found him....and fell for him. That hasn't been planned, it just happened.

 

So what change do you hope will come about in the next year? That he will dump his new wife and baby for you? Oh what a prize! The way you get him is the way you will lose him. If he's willing to walk away from his wife and child so easily then expect that he could just as easily do the same to you one day. If you get him then one day you will be in the same sad position his wife is in right now. I still can't get over the fact that not only is he cheating on his wife he also misled and deceived you and you call him genuine. Where is this man's conscience?

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If you want to always be second best, then stay. The guy is not going to leave his wife and new baby (when he/she arrives) so you will always be on the back-burner. Yes, he might be wonderful to be with. It may have been entirely unexpected to both of you. You may both believe you are soul mates. Don't you think this is how married men always get away with affairs? They convince the affair partner that she is the most important woman in his life - BUT they stay with their wife come hell or high water (as long as SHE doesn't find out what he's up to!).

 

I wish more people would believe this. A cheat will do and say ANYTHING to keep you just where he wants you.

 

Yes I also agree, he/she is keeping his spouse there also. He trades on the loyalty and trust of the spouse.

 

MANIPULATION IS THE GAME

 

Poppy.

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There is nothing to be jealous of. He lies and cheats. If you stop giving him some...he'll be back online looking elsewhere. I understand your "fog" but he is NO prize. Run...as fast as you can...trust us.

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Just remember, he'll be with his wife when she's giving birth and the first few months after. So where will you be in the picture? Waiting by the phone hoping for a text message or call.

 

And if he decides to spend time with you, he'll be taking away precious time away from his new born.

 

Don't be that woman. Don't be selfish.

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Exactly, that's what he told me, I was supposed to be just a side chick but he didn't expect he'll like me so much either.

 

I'd lie like that to you too if it meant we could keep shagging.

Edited by NTV
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^^^^

It's not that complicated, really. You are being used. He is not the prince you think he is. He is saying what he needs to say to "get some". The same thing guys did in high school, just a little smoother.

 

Pull your brain out of your panties. Know this for what it is, and be done with him. Find a nice single guy to love up on, not a lying MM with a pregnant wife at home.

 

Be better than that.

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Hmm, maybe that's love? I am choosing not to live without him for a reason.... but what's the reason though. :confused:

 

The reason is selfishness.

 

He had a chance to be with you and he didn't take it. He didn't choose you.

 

You could very, very easily live without him. Why are you being so selfish?

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After this time I got into a relationship and during this time he messaged me and wanted to meet. I wasn't into it as I had a bf. He got pissed off a little and deleted my number.

 

Ok. Let's see. Knowing that you were in a relationship, he wanted to see you and since you refused he was "pissed off". He didn't see something wrong with pursuing someone in a committed relationship, while he was in a relationship himself.

 

Then 1,5 years passed and I received a message from him again (on a dating site), "oh I missed you, it's nice to meet you again, I was thinking about you".

 

So, now he is still searching for someone to have on the side while he is married. Except now, he is searching diligently on the dating site.

 

This man seems to have an unwavering commitment to ruining commitments for everybody around him.

 

It was a month ago. He said he won't force me to stay and he should probably leave me alone but decision is mine.

 

Just recently I told him that I think I'll back off, he asked me to stay...

 

That's the best way to force someone to stay, by the way.

It's a clever tactic to play with a woman's mind. To say, "I will respect your decision any way you choose, because I care about you so much...". But the moment you DO try to leave, he pulls you back with "I can't bare the thought of losing you...". And boom! You are hooked and you stay. Mission accomplished, plus he gets to look like a true soft sweetheart.

 

Imagine he said to you from the start: "I WANT you to stay as my mistress so that I can have have sex and free entertainment on the side, while I have a real relationship with my wife.". Would you have stayed? NO.

 

With each extra hour passing, your attachment to this despicable character will only get stronger.

 

Get out now.

 

And if you really cannot fathom the thought of him being a con-artist, then next time you see him, tell him that you would contact his wife and tell her everything. I'm not saying you have to contact her, just say that to him. You will see his real face suddenly.

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Ok. Let's see. Knowing that you were in a relationship, he wanted to see you and since you refused he was "pissed off". He didn't see something wrong with pursuing someone in a committed relationship, while he was in a relationship himself.

 

I'm not sure if he was in a relationship at that time, he didn't know that I was but he was upset when I told him because he wanted to see me. He was disappointed but respected my decision.

 

Ok guys, I messaged him earlier today that we need to stop doing what we're doing and that I want him to leave me alone (of course I didn't want it, but it had to be done). He tried to call me a few times but I haven't answered. I bought myself a tones of sweets and shut myself at home watching comedy central... I called my sister and told her about everything, I had to vent, she asked if I want her to come but I preferred to stay all alone. Then I called my best friend (she knew about everything). We talked for almost an hour, then I heard a door knocking, I thought it's my sister so I opened the door without checking who it is and.... it was him. I was speechless, totally. He asked me what's going on, I just answered that I'm done and can't do it anymore. He was confused so I said that I think he's an ******* and using me for sex and that I'm not a toy, he just sat down looking upset and asked if I really think this way. We talked about it for almost an hour, he finally told me everything. He didn't want me to think he's a player because of that dating site, and he actually never met anyone after he got married and it was only me. He said he always liked me and he wanted to try with me but I disappeared. And when he found my profile he was so happy. And what about his wife... Basically, he does not love her that much he thought he did. It was his long term "on and off" girlfriend, they met in the high school. Also, he said he was forced to get married and have family already. He admitted if we were together before he married his girlfriend things would've been different. He tried to contact me but my number hasn't worked (well, I was abroad). And we both doesn't have Facebook. He wants to be with me now but things aren't so simple... And he doesn't know what to do. Should he divorce a pregnant wife to be with me? Well, theoretically yes, but it's not so nice is it?! We both agreed we should take a break from having sex for a while until he sorts his things out. I'm saying "from having sex" only because he still wants to talk to me and he wants to be in my life. I'm not sure what he's gonna do but I should back off a little. If he decides to stay with his wife I'll just move on. I know that our feelings are real... We clicked and we truly care about each other. And now, many of you guys mentioned I'm being selfish and you know what.... I realized I'm an extremely selfish person. Yes, I am and I don't know what to do about it. I don't like sharing, when I was a kid I never liked to share my sweets with other kids. When I was a teenager, the same situation occurred. And even now... I am selfish and not always care about other people's feelings... I know it's sad and wrong, very wrong but can I change it? Do I want to change it....it's the real question. It looks like I need to reevaluate my life.

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Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

 

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different.

 

You allowed him in the house? Ouch. You can end this by telling him "if you don't stop I'll contact your woman"

 

And yes, he's a player. If you would've stood up to him, he would've just searched for the next affair. They all do. It's easier to keep a side piece then it is to groom a new one.

 

Make no mistake about it, sex or no sex, you're in an affair.

Edited by BuddyX
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loveisanaction
Exactly, that's what he told me, I was supposed to be just a side chick but he didn't expect he'll like me so much either.

 

He is married now and his wife is pregnant with his child.

 

Is it a shame that you guys didn't end up together when you were both single? Probably! But it doesn't change the fact that he is married and with a child on the way.

 

He was on a dating site while married, you just happened to be on the same dating site and puff the magic dragon! You're in an affair. He was on that dating site looking for a side chick, he even told you so, that you were only supposed to be his side chick but he didn't expect to like you so much..Yeah! Sure!

 

The reason why he showed up at your door was because you were about to take his *cookie* away. How dare you! Just yesterday he was the King of Zamunda with two women totally devoted to him, today, one of them decides to take the *cookie* away from him....and he was not having it.

 

So, he races to your house, feeds you the story from every cheater's handbook and calms you down.

 

Take a break from sex with him, he will start writing you love poems about how he is in love with you and how the gods were unfair with the timing of your love and how even Romeo & Juliet did not feel the love that he has for you. If you cave and give him sex, his meaningless words worked. If you don't cave and still insist on him sorting his situation out before you have sex with him again, he will get mad, pout, give you the silent treatment to punish you and if any of those don't bully you into having sex with him he will eventually ghost on you.

 

Don't believe me! No matter how much he throws the 'I Love Yous' don't sleep with him and watch your prince charming disappear.

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ShatteredLady

Oliv "I realized I'm an extremely selfish person. Yes, I am and I don't know what to do about it. I don't like sharing, when I was a kid I never liked to share my sweets with other kids. When I was a teenager, the same situation occurred. And even now... I am selfish and not always care about other people's feelings... I know it's sad and wrong, very wrong but can I change it? Do I want to change it....it's the real question. It looks like I need to reevaluate my life."

 

 

If you really want this guy & he's actually the 1 in a million who will leave his wife & new baby for you you need to get over this FAST! You will forever be "sharing", you know this don't you? His wife will be in your life for the next 18 years at least. After that it will 'just' be special occasions. His CHILD will ALWAYS be there. His child will come first & you WILL be sharing!

 

Have you thought about being stepmother to a child who will one day know that you were having sex with his/her Dad while Mummy was alone suffering from morning sickness?

 

Some do find it very difficult to feel empathy, particularly for people they don't know. If you imagine being a newly married pregnant woman who's husband is trolling dating sites for meaningless sex & truly feel nothing you do need help.

 

You're young but not too young to understand that you are complicit in negatively effecting the rest of her life!

 

You seem to excuse his adultery because he was just looking for an easy shag with no feelings but he 'caught feelings for you!'. REALLY?

 

Think about this please...

 

Wife - On & off relationship. Caught feelings. Loved her enough to marry & plan a baby. Realized that he didn't love her as much as he thought he did.

 

You - On & off relationship. Caught feelings. Love you enough to betray his wife & child. Realized that he......

 

 

I know I'm being harsh. A man who will actively look for extra sex while his wife is pregnant with his child is below scum to me. There is NO excuse. It's the lowest of the low.

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Actually, as delorable as it sounds, the time for him to divorce is within the emit 1-2 years. Three years max. It should be done before the child has memories of them as a family.

 

I have a former family member who was a raging alcoholic. Her first husband threw in the towel before the baby was a year old. Raging alkie lucked out and married my family member when child was four ish. Step dad and real dad managed to raise one awesome human being.

 

OP I was in a relationship for 7 years with a MM. I was happy. I never expected him to leave his wife, I'm pretty independent and a commitment phobe. It's been over two years since I ended things and we are able to talk irregularly, but we don't see each other. Sadly, I have difficulty making connections with other men because they don't measure up to him. I don't think I was in romantic love with him, but I did care about him.

 

It isn't that I think I've wasted the last nine years of my life, but I've made myself inaccessible to a real and true relationship. Which again, as someone who is a commitment phobe, this is no shocker. You're not fully emotionally free to see anyone else. And if you end it, you still need time to recover.

 

You will sacrifice and not even realize it until years down the road.

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