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Decision to be made... UPDATE!!


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Hi,

I always had a crush on my coworker who helped me through a break up. Long story short- he has a girlfriend and we ended up flirting by text and have slept together a few times. I'm totally hooked on him. I've been dating because I know I need an available man, but I can't find anyone with the chemistry I have with my coworker. I see him and I just get all warm inside. I know "shame on me" and "when you play with fire, you get burned!" All true. I can't even heal because I have to see him every day at work! It kills me! Wondering if we will sleep together again or not. I want to and won't stop if he wants to. It's like I have no self control - yes I know I do, but he comes around and I'm like putty in his hands. Anyway, we have a social work event coming up. It's not mandatory but they would like staff there. A lot of staff isn't going so they have room for famiy members. He's taking her and her son!! Now I don't want to go! I can't bear to see her. I've met her before all this and she's very nice and what if she tried to talk to me? Should I go or not? It's a work event so it really stinks that she will be there too. I think I'll just tap out. It's too painful and the guilt is too much. By the way- neither of us will leave our job. We never discuss what we're doing. It's obvious we just keep it our secret. Uggg... Help!

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MidnightBlue1980
Hi,

I always had a crush on my coworker who helped me through a break up. Long story short- he has a girlfriend and we ended up flirting by text and have slept together a few times. I'm totally hooked on him. I've been dating because I know I need an available man, but I can't find anyone with the chemistry I have with my coworker. I see him and I just get all warm inside. I know "shame on me" and "when you play with fire, you get burned!" All true. I can't even heal because I have to see him every day at work! It kills me! Wondering if we will sleep together again or not. I want to and won't stop if he wants to. It's like I have no self control - yes I know I do, but he comes around and I'm like putty in his hands. Anyway, we have a social work event coming up. It's not mandatory but they would like staff there. A lot of staff isn't going so they have room for famiy members. He's taking her and her son!! Now I don't want to go! I can't bear to see her. I've met her before all this and she's very nice and what if she tried to talk to me? Should I go or not? It's a work event so it really stinks that she will be there too. I think I'll just tap out. It's too painful and the guilt is too much. By the way- neither of us will leave our job. We never discuss what we're doing. It's obvious we just keep it our secret. Uggg... Help!

 

You should go because it will be a reality check. Yes, you will feel really bad on many levels but otherwise this will may waste a lot of time for you. Bonus - the guy will feel massively uncomfortable.

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ShatteredLady

Is it her son or 'their' son?

 

I agree. I think going could be just the reality check that you need to get out of this mess.

 

I worked in an industry with a LOT of infidelity. They all thought it was some big secret. Coworkers knew. Coworkers judged & mocked. That's the truth of work affairs.

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It's her son. He doesn't have kids. Apparently, he's fine with it since he's bringing her. So weird- I don't know how he's ok with it. I know you guys say to go but it's too painful l think. However he's the one purchasing tickets for the company for the event so there is a ticket paid for. I don't want to go. ?

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Don't go. No point to torture yourself needlessly.By the way, if he'd truly care about you, he would not invite his girlfriend, knowing it would hurt you.

Here is your reality check, right there.

End it, because it will continue for as long as you allow it.

Of course he'll keep sleeping with you, you made it so easy for him - noteven discussing what you're doing?

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whichwayisup
It's her son. He doesn't have kids. Apparently, he's fine with it since he's bringing her. So weird- I don't know how he's ok with it. I know you guys say to go but it's too painful l think. However he's the one purchasing tickets for the company for the event so there is a ticket paid for. I don't want to go. ?

 

For you, yes, but for him, no. He isn't emotionally attached to you the way you are to him. Don't make more out of this. You're having an affair with a taken man, and well aware he has a gf and is a step father to her child.

 

I say end it and put feelers out there for another job. Won't hurt to start looking elsewhere. Until then, make yourself stay away from him and detach. Spend time with good friends and family and keep busy. Though something tells me you don't want to end things with him...

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Yup! I made it easy for him alright. He says "jump" and I say "how high". He does not care about me but I'm attached. I do go to therapy and she warned me but I did it anyway. I'm not going to the event. It will be absolute torture. If it were mandatory, I would. I just wonder why he is not nervous, knowing I was going?!! Guess I need to find someone to take my ticket.

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whichwayisup
Yup! I made it easy for him alright. He says "jump" and I say "how high". He does not care about me but I'm attached. I do go to therapy and she warned me but I did it anyway. I'm not going to the event. It will be absolute torture. If it were mandatory, I would. I just wonder why he is not nervous, knowing I was going?!! Guess I need to find someone to take my ticket.

 

Try to stop figuring him out and what he may or may not feel. Focus on yourself and figure out why you keep allowing him to use you. This is NOT a relationship, it's an affair and it's going nowhere. You will continue to pine for him, all the meanwhile, he's living life with his gf and not thinking of you the way you think of him. I'm not saying this to hurt you but to give you a kick so you'll wake up and end it with him. You deserve better! Not some guy who already has a gf.

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Whichwayisup- you're right. I don't want to end it. We've both been employed here for about a year and love our jobs. I have to figure out how to heal even though I see him daily.

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loveisanaction

A big misconception about gossip is that women gossip more than men do. Studies have shown that men are actually bigger gossips than women; top of the list of topics that men like to gossip about, their latest conquest. This is why sex with a co-worker is usually a bad idea. Do not believe for one second that nobody in your company knows about the two of you and do not believe for one second that your affair partner hasn't told anybody about the both of you.

 

He has a girlfriend, he has a step-son and the mere fact that he's bringing his girlfriend's child to the event shows that he intends to stay with his lady, he's not just dating her,he has formed a family with her.

 

So, he's building a life her, she's building a life with him. Where does that leave you?

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If I may ask- how old are you. You sound like a young teenager with crush on the football team captain. A little more maturity on your part may be in order.

 

I seriously don't believe you'll be able to end this, as you sound completely infatuated with this guy.

 

 

On another note, I don't think dating other people while being knee-deep in this is fair to these other guys. It's clear that no other man comes close to what you "think" you have with this man.

 

It's true that there are decisions to be made, but I don't think you have it in you to put them into action.

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option #1: DO NOT GO.

Even just the mere thought of seeing them together brings pain to your mind. Actually seeing them together will cause ten times more pain. So don't go and don't create this torment for yourself.

 

...but...

what happens the day after this event?

 

You are still at work with this man. You still see him everyday. Your heart still aches and pines for him. And it will take him only a single smile to get you down on the floor with him again. And thus continues the painful affair. For how LONG? As long as HE wants to, until he is done with you and disposes of you. And if you are not convinced, then read a bunch of posts in this site to get some idea about how long the other woman can hang in there before she is destroyed from within. And after you are completely decimated, he will still be with HER and her son--building a happy future.

 

option #2: GO.

As several posters already said: you need to get a reality check. You NEED to see him right in front of your eyes, gently and firmly holding HER hands. Him putting his arms around her shoulder when he introduces her to his work colleagues. You need to see him looking at her in public saying "honey I'm gonna get a drink; do you want me to fetch you one?". You need to see him posing for photos standing right next to her and holding her child in his arms. You need to see him cuddling HER child as if it's almost his future step child. You need to see her laughing and smiling, proudly meeting her (possibly) future husbands friends and colleagues. You need to hear the others in the party telling him that he's got a great girlfriend. You need to see them leaving the party TOGETHER in the same car as a COUPLE. You need to feel and experience all that pain.

 

...but...

what happens the day after this event?

 

all of that pain will also help you detach from this man. It will take some time, but you will stop feeling "warm inside" when you see him. You will stop seeing him and start seeing him as HER boyfriend.

 

Both roads will eventually lead you to the same exact destination.

 

You, an other woman, abandoned, rejected, hurt, dumped.

 

The choice is yours. Do you want this dead end road to be dragged on for a few more weeks or few more years?

 

The choice is yours.

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Hi Burnt- as painful as your post was, it was spot on. It is true that regardless of what I do for the event, I still have to face him at work. I can't just break things off and then go NC when he's in my face and I hear his voice from the other side of the room. It's so true, one little smile form him and I'm thinking "he still wants me!" I want to date others because there HAS to be someone else I can connect with, right? By the way, if I were in a relationship, I wouldn't cheat. I've been online and dating lots of men and just can't find that spark I have here. I am not young at do realize that I sound like a teenager. I'm glad I can post here. I'm living this nightmare and can't talk to ANYONE! So, I'm so glad for everyone here! I need support big time.

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loveisanaction

When he smiles at you and you're thinking 'He still wants me' do not decive yourself that it's your heart he wants. Make sure you understand exactly what it is that he wants.

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Yes loveisanaction- I know he doesn't want my heart. I guess I just don't understand how people can easily cheat on their sig other like its nothing and then come home to them.

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Yes loveisanaction- I know he doesn't want my heart. I guess I just don't understand how people can easily cheat on their sig other like its nothing and then come home to them.

 

Because they consider themselves entitled to do whatever they want. Nobody else matters. Only their wants and I don't mean needs. It's like a child who wants a pretty toy..... nothing more.

 

Poppy.

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I went to an event with xMM when we were NC back in March. Watched him play with his kid, touch w's arm, etc. He acted like it was all nothing although he later said that it was hard seeing me and not talking to me there, but who knows. On some level he may have gotten off a bit on the giant secret.

 

Anyway, for me, it made me feel terrible and did not do much to help me detach, however we were already broken up and in NC. That's not your situation. If you think it will help you to see reality then go. But whether or not you go, realize it's likely gonna take more than that in order for you to end this. You have to get to the point of wanting your dignity and self-respect back SO much that there is no other option. The point when the pain of being in the A is more than the pain of being out. Good luck and I hope you get there soon.

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I feel sorry for the gf and her kid. Thinking that finally someone will give both of them that sense of family and security. I am really losing faith in relationships.

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MidnightBlue1980
Yes loveisanaction- I know he doesn't want my heart. I guess I just don't understand how people can easily cheat on their sig other like its nothing and then come home to them.

 

If it is easy, that is a really bad sign about the person's character. Men also are able to compartmentalize, when he is with her, you simply do not exist. I'm not being mean, I've lived this. They are wired differently.

 

As for why he is not nervous, it is because he feels like he has both of you where he wants you and he is unconcerned about your feelings. I would wager that he feels very little for you, other than what is between his legs.

 

You are attached to him, he is not attached to you. Again, I live this. It is next to impossible to get over someone while you see them. On the other hand, I am not a fan of running. My advice is to go, take your medicine and chin up.

 

We all do it here.

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Grapesofwrath
I feel sorry for the gf and her kid. Thinking that finally someone will give both of them that sense of family and security. I am really losing faith in relationships.

 

My mind went here, too. Think of her for a moment. He is bringing her, and her child, to a work function where he believes you will also be in attendance. She is his chump, and he probably gets off on it. He doesn't have to bring them, he is choosing to bring them. He is assuming that you will not reveal the A to her (a rather presumptuous thing to do) and is thinking only of himself.

 

They aren't even married yet and already he degrades her this way. And he degrades you, as well. This tells you what you need to know about this person. He is not good for anyone.

 

A previous poster also raised this point: You haven't talked about what you're doing? Seriously? At the very minimum, you are entitled to a conversation about what is going on. It would be worth considering why you haven't brought up the topic with him at all. Why are you avoiding the conversation? Afraid of what you will hear?

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Focus on the bigger picture here. There's something wrong with your "picker" if you view a man who can cheat on his girlfriend and then parade her around in front of you as relationship material.

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Wow- all these posts make so much sense. He actually lives with her and her two sons. She was cheated on by her ex husband. He's must be good at compartmentalizing! I know he's not a good person for that one reason. I also know that I mean nothing to him other than a coworker and an occasional booty call. It's VERY difficult having this secret and seeing him at work. I don't suspect that anybody at work knows. We just communicate on a rare friendly basis like everybody else there. I doubt anybody suspects, but maybe? I don't see why we have to talk about it. I don't think there's anything to talk about. We both know we work together, we both know he has a gf and we both know it's a booty call when we sleep together. So we really don't talk about it. My decision is to stop texting him and see where it goes. I'm sure he'll eventually text. We only text once in awhile. Not daily. I'm can't do the event. He's the person to RSVP to and he already got the ticket for my reply. So I hope he doesn't ask why I changed my mind bcuz he's the one I'm answering to!

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Oh! the only thing he did open up about without me asking was that he wasn't getting it at home. I was shocked to hear that but that's probably why he's seeking it with me.

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So my coworker/lover came over tonight and we slept together. This was a quickie. It was really hot for a quickie. Anyway, I told him I didn't want to go to the event and why. I said "aren't you uncomfortable?" He said "no" and I said "I guess you guys can compartmentalize things" and he agreed. I said I felt awkward and he said he was sorry I felt that way and that it's up to me if I want to go or not. He doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable. I'm glad I actually told him the truth. I might go now that I said something to him. I don't know why it helped talking to him when I was 100% ready to cancel. I still might. Need to think this through.

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MidnightBlue1980
So my coworker/lover came over tonight and we slept together. This was a quickie. It was really hot for a quickie. Anyway, I told him I didn't want to go to the event and why. I said "aren't you uncomfortable?" He said "no" and I said "I guess you guys can compartmentalize things" and he agreed. I said I felt awkward and he said he was sorry I felt that way and that it's up to me if I want to go or not. He doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable. I'm glad I actually told him the truth. I might go now that I said something to him. I don't know why it helped talking to him when I was 100% ready to cancel. I still might. Need to think this through.

 

You feel like it helped you to talk to him because you are on the nip, the affair high, we all get that when we talk to him/her, see him/her, etc. The crash comes later.

 

I still think you should go so you can see reality. It will crash down on you but prevent you from wasting a lot of time. You seem somewhat detached but eventually you will be like many of us, hopelessly in love with a total d-bag. Get out before that happens.

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