Maybe MM does deserve a nice goodbye note?

[KathL]

So I have blocked MM on whatsapp (out main communication platform) for more than one week. Today he sent me a text over WeChat, asking if everything was okay.

 

I instantly felt bad. The rational choice is of course to block him on WeChat, email, and every possible channels he might contact me but if I were to be put into his shoes, I would be worried sick either wondering if he is still alive and whatnot if I got no replies from him. So far, he has never ignored my texts. The most was going no-contact for a month (which I did not initiate any contact in between) then appeared again telling me that he was busy.

 

MM had been treating me nice and respectful while we were physically together, if we put aside the lies I found out later on and the heartache I went through that made me a bitter person, but I was to be blamed for that since it was clearly NSA from the start.

 

Should I reply to him, saying something like "Hey I'm ok. Just that I'm not in the right frame of mind to pursue whatever it was we used to pursue together previously for some personal reasons. Its not you, its me. Its best we don't contact each other. Bye. Take care."

 

Am I crazy? He was a nice man to me and a good lover in bed.

[Bufo]

Too many words maybe. How about

 

Fine. Just moving on.

 

No emotion or hint if regret. Why even hint you want a reply? Despite the no contact in your proposed message he may seek contact to learn why.

 

I've posted this before. Rule 1 of wandering MM is that it's easier to keep an OW than it is to locate, groom and romance a successor. Keep that in mind

[BuddyX]

"Besides all that lying he was a great guy"... Umm no contact.

You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look...

[heartfeltlove]

So I have blocked MM on whatsapp (out main communication platform) for more than one week. Today he sent me a text over WeChat, asking if everything was okay.

 

I instantly felt bad. The rational choice is of course to block him on WeChat, email, and every possible channels he might contact me but if I were to be put into his shoes, I would be worried sick either wondering if he is still alive and whatnot if I got no replies from him. So far, he has never ignored my texts. The most was going no-contact for a month (which I did not initiate any contact in between) then appeared again telling me that he was busy.

 

MM had been treating me nice and respectful while we were physically together, if we put aside the lies I found out later on and the heartache I went through that made me a bitter person, but I was to be blamed for that since it was clearly NSA from the start.

 

Should I reply to him, saying something like "Hey I'm ok. Just that I'm not in the right frame of mind to pursue whatever it was we used to pursue together previously for some personal reasons. Its not you, its me. Its best we don't contact each other. Bye. Take care."

 

Am I crazy? He was a nice man to me and a good lover in bed.

 

no. The whole point of breaking up is to leave the past behind, isn't it? Unless you intend reconciling with this man and starting the affair again, I would maintain silence. He's not really curious to know that you're ok. He's curious to know if he can still snag you in. If you've blocked him in major ways, I would think it equally important to block him elsewhere. or were you kind of hoping he would get through to you?

[loveisanaction]

You wrote this.....Read the part in bold.

 

Okay, obviously this is not something I am proud to confess.

 

MM told me long time ago that he doesn't have a FB account. But some time back, I tried to search relentlessly by typing in the keywords on FB search machine which led me to his high school friend's profile with the mention of the birth of their first daughter and the wife's name, as well as a bunch of high school reunion photos etc.

 

Subsequently, I found their wedding albums online where the bride and bridegroom looked happy in photos!! I cant believe that MM lied about the age he got married!!

 

Oh gosh, I know mine was a physical affair but MM did compliment a ****load about me from the start to make me feel so goddamn special. Now, that was a real slap in the face because I felt like a piece of garbage if I were to stand next to the wife because the wife is undeniably stunningly gorgeous. And me, being nothing more than a 10 years younger fresh meat, was naively ridiculous to think that MM was happy when he was with me because maybe.. the wife at home was possibly unattractive.. but that was obviously not the case.

 

Then I found out the wife's FB account, her full names, her workplace, her cellphone number (I added her as my contact just so I could get to see her changing the whatsapp profile pic) and her colleagues. Through there, I found out another bunch of her photos (dated many years back till the most recent ones), be it through the work events she participated in or taken from her friends' social media accounts. So she is still a working professional, keeping herself in good shape despite the age.. with nice make up and whatnot..

 

Since then, I loathed myself. The last meetup with MM was more than 3 weeks ago. We have yet to text each other once ever since then. Then I realized another hard truth - apart from the initial wooing stage, I was mostly the one initiating the contact for remaining of the year and creating/ manipulating the opportunities to meet him, without knowing the true extent of his enthusiasm. I guess whenever I did offer to meet him, men generally would feel flattered and would not turn down such effortless booty calls.

 

Now when I finally stopped the initiating ****, as time passed by, I could finally see the reality for what it is. I went from the initial confidence that he would surely contact me by the first week to depression when he is still not contacting me now when entering the 4th week. I have yet to block him because I am still waiting for him to initial contact just so I can ignore him (what a sweet revenge it is gonna be).. but these days, it is really hard to stomach the reality that I am worse than a prostitute or escort, not even a friend whom he would spend 5 minutes asking how I was doing lately albeit how busy he was..

[KathL]

You wrote this.....Read the part in bold.

That had already happened. He reached out to me after one month of no contact. Then I ignored him. Two weeks later, he reached out again which I caved in.

 

Anyway I have started with the blocking. And that should extend to all possible communication channels.

[ChickiePops]

But why would you ever put aside the lies and the heartache? That was the basis of your whole relationship. So he treated you nicely when you were together..so what??

 

The only reason for contact at this point is to provoke a reaction..which I'm gonna guess is what you're looking for.

 

Why start the whole cycle all over again? He's only going to hurt you more.

[13Hearts]

KathL, if you want to write a note because it will make you feel better then by all means, write it. But it sounds to me like you are assigning how you would feel if you were him, to him.

 

He doesn't feel what you feel. He obviously has some major character issues if he is carrying on an affair behind his wife's back. You may want to cut your losses on this one and move on to happier circumstances.

[bathtub-row]

I'm always of the camp that if you're in a relationship with someone, it's only right to let them know that you're ending it. You shouldn't just walk away without telling them you're through. Despite whatever heartache you've been through, don't ever forget that you agreed to it for a time and he's not 100% to blame. Just be humane and end it. No explanation necessary.

[KathL]

I'm always of the camp that if you're in a relationship with someone, it's only right to let them know that you're ending it. You shouldn't just walk away without telling them you're through. Despite whatever heartache you've been through, don't ever forget that you agreed to it for a time and he's not 100% to blame. Just be humane and end it. No explanation necessary.

What should I say?

[BuddyX]

I'm always of the camp that if you're in a relationship with someone, it's only right to let them know that you're ending it. You shouldn't just walk away without telling them you're through. Despite whatever heartache you've been through, don't ever forget that you agreed to it for a time and he's not 100% to blame. Just be humane and end it. No explanation necessary.

 

No no. This was not a relationship, it was just intimacy. Stick to NC.

By ending it, you're admitting that you're thinking about him. Have some dignity and pride.

[CarrieT]

No. Stay no contact. Any response is a crack in the door they he will try to break down. Don't engage him at all!

[whichwayisup]

Too many words maybe. How about

 

Fine. Just moving on.

 

Add too "please respect my wishes don't contact me again."

 

Do NOT let guilt get to you. Your A is over, you owe him nothing.

[MightyPen]

I actually agree about sending a good bye letter, but only if it's going to stick.

 

Just let him know it's over and you wish him the best, but you're moving on. Maybe give him a small window...perhaps 48 hours...to say his goodbye back to you. Tell him in your goodbye that you'll read his response, assuming he sends it within the window, but that you will not respond to it under any circumstances. Both people get closure.

 

Then delete whatever kind of account you used to send the last message and block any other social media or contact info you can think of. I'd recommend changing your cell # too.

[CarrieT]

I totally disagree with those who say both parties get closure from limited contact.

 

Closure comes from within. The MM already knows you don't want to see him. That is his closure. He is married and unavailable; that is your closure.

 

Nothing else needs to be said.

[Lady2163]

I agree that it is fine to send a note, but with fewer words rather than more.

 

I'm fine. I'm moving on. Don't contact me again.

 

I'm a bit squeamish about giving him a 48 hours window to respond, where you will read it, but not answer it. You're issuing an unspoken challenge to him. "What can I possibly say that will make her break her silence, will make her respond, will open the door for me."

 

I had an ex boyfriend who knew me better than myself. We were reduced to fighting in emails. Each time I asked him to not contact me, or told him I wasn't going to answer him, the gauntlet was thrown. How he got me was to send me lies or errors.

 

Fine, I will mail you the $500 I owe you on the 15th"

 

Well, he owed me $1500.....and there was no way I'd let that go....

 

"You told Jane I was a bad boyfriend and that I neglected you. That hurts me"

 

No, I never said that to Jane, don't drag her into this or try to drive a wedge between us.

 

Again, he could play me.

 

I'm just not that damn clever.

[KathL]

Nah, I'm reminded of why I was angry of him. Changed my mind - not going to reply.

Edited July 26, 2016 by KathL

[MidnightBlue1980]

Nah, I'm reminded of why I was angry of him. Changed my mind - not going to reply.

 

Good. I did the exact same thing as you many times and each time, I'd get dragged back in the affair. Funny though, when he told his W, he had no problem going complete NC with me. I did not get any note or anything at all. Finally after relentlessness on my part, he wrote "I'm sorry. I am not allowed to communicate with you."

 

Oh how I regretted all the times I felt guilty not responding to him and trying to go NC.

[Lois_Griffin]

MM had been treating me nice and respectful while we were physically together, if we put aside the lies I found out later on and the heartache I went through that made me a bitter person, but I was to be blamed for that since it was clearly NSA from the start.

 

Am I crazy? He was a nice man to me and a good lover in bed.

"Nice" men don't lie to your face in order to get laid. And if he was lying to you, it was because he was GETTING something for doing it. "Nice" men don't lie to your face and pretend to love you and cherish you when in reality, the only thing that 'loves' you lies somewhere south of his belt.

 

Why ANY woman would give the time of day to a freakin' two-bit con man like this after they've found out how duped they were by him, is beyond me. And 'being worried sick about him if I don't hear from' qualifies as giving this POS the time of day.

[pooldog]

If you did not state you are done and do not want contact you can send one sentence now to issue that request. But if you did issue NC then I would ignore.

[bathtub-row]

No no. This was not a relationship, it was just intimacy. Stick to NC.

By ending it, you're admitting that you're thinking about him. Have some dignity and pride.

 

Two people were involved with one another. Yes, it was a relationship.

[Poppy47]

MM can be real charmers if they think it will get them somewhere. His being "nice" was all in self interest.

 

I would like a goodbye if it were me.

 

You should make it final and make it stick. Slam the door and throw away the key.

 

I said I no longer wished to be in an affair. Goodbye and best wishes for the future.

 

That was after 8 years.

 

Poppy.

[bathtub-row]

What should I say?

 

Something like, "You know, I've done some thinking and decided that I need to end things with you. Please respect my wishes and don't try to contact me again. I certainly wish you the best of everything."

[13Hearts]

Good. I did the exact same thing as you many times and each time, I'd get dragged back in the affair. Funny though, when he told his W, he had no problem going complete NC with me. I did not get any note or anything at all. Finally after relentlessness on my part, he wrote "I'm sorry. I am not allowed to communicate with you."

 

Oh how I regretted all the times I felt guilty not responding to him and trying to go NC.

 

It makes me laugh now but it used to really pi$$ me off that they would say "I'm not allowed." It's like they're children who have been doing something they know they're not supposed to do and their mom catches them and makes them stop. Talk about having no moral compass!

 

I personally prefer to be with people who know what they want in life and don't allow their various biological drives to dictate their behavior.

Edited July 26, 2016 by 13Hearts

[bathtub-row]

It makes me laugh now but it used to really pi$$ me off that they would say "I'm not allowed." It's like they're children who have been doing something they know they're not supposed to do and their mom catches them and makes them stop. Talk about having no moral compass!

 

I personally prefer to be with people who know what they want in life and don't allow their various biological drives to dictate their behavior.

 

Yeah, if someone treats you this way, just plain cutting them off is the only answer. But if they never did that, then I wouldn't just disappear without a word. It's very cruel. A lot of OW experience that and there's no excuse for it. It's just as cruel to do it to the MM.