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I have been in a relationship with a married man for 5 years. When we started our relationship it was strictly sexual and he fed me the story that she was horrible to him, never wanted sex or other intimacy, wouldn't kiss him, etc.

 

He told me that he was going to leave her but excuses always flied. He says they are legally married and live together (for the kids) but don't have a real relationship.

 

3 years ago he told me that he wanted to marry me and was divorcing her. We had a wedding ceremony but did not sign legal binding papers, seeing as he is already married. My family thinks we are legally married and has no idea about her.

 

He has 5 kids with her and we have 3 together. We have 2 year old twins and a newborn. For a while he separated from her and told me it was for good. But after I got pregnant (which he planned), he went back to her.

 

He told me they are never intimate but she is pregnant again. He said he needs to stay with his "real" family. She has 5 of his kids (5-12) and 1 on the way.

 

He spends more time with her than our family. I hate when he's there. She doesn't know about me. After he told me he needed to stay present in his "real" families home we started having unprotected sex again. It was stupid and I'm getting an IUD if I'm not pregnant. I was told you are very fertile after giving birth so I'm not feeling confident. I'm not strong enough to test right now.

 

I don't know what to do. On paper he looks like a terrible guy. He has kids aged 0, 2, 2, 5, 6, 8, 9, 12 and at least one more on the way from her. He says he won't have more with her because she is 34. He's 39. But he said he would have more with me. I'm 24. He said he will leave her when the new baby is old enough to be away from the mother.

 

But we've been together 5 years and have a marriage like relationship. We have wedding pictures through the house, kids together. But he doesn't see me enough because he's always with her.

 

In my head I know I should run. I know how he'll never leave her. But in my heart I can't lose him and have hope he'll leave her and be with me.

 

Lately she has been posting pictures of him and her and their kids on Twitter and it bothers me. Our relationship has to be kept secret from most people and it's not fair. I, but mostly my kids, don't get their dad for holidays or family days at their daycare. They ask for their dad a lot and I can't make him come around more.

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I don't know what to do.

Expose him to his other "wife" and everyone else.

 

On paper he looks like a terrible guy.

He is a terrible person to do this to you and your children.

 

He said he will leave her when the new baby is old enough to be away from the mother.

Well, you know he is capable of lying to her so why did you believe he was telling you the truth?

 

In my head I know I should run. I know how he'll never leave her. But in my heart I can't lose him and have hope he'll leave her and be with me.

You need to run. You have been hoping for far too long and with a new baby on the way, you should know now that he will never leave her. And that all those lies he told you about how horrible she is are in fact that: LIES.

 

Our relationship has to be kept secret from most people and it's not fair.

So time to even the playing field. Stop being his dirty secret and start protecting your children by exposing their father to the new reality. Become the Tiger Mom your kids need instead of the secret in the attic.

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MidnightBlue1980
I have been in a relationship with a married man for 5 years. When we started our relationship it was strictly sexual and he fed me the story that she was horrible to him, never wanted sex or other intimacy, wouldn't kiss him, etc.

 

He told me that he was going to leave her but excuses always flied. He says they are legally married and live together (for the kids) but don't have a real relationship.

 

3 years ago he told me that he wanted to marry me and was divorcing her. We had a wedding ceremony but did not sign legal binding papers, seeing as he is already married. My family thinks we are legally married and has no idea about her.

 

He has 5 kids with her and we have 3 together. We have 2 year old twins and a newborn. For a while he separated from her and told me it was for good. But after I got pregnant (which he planned), he went back to her.

 

He told me they are never intimate but she is pregnant again. He said he needs to stay with his "real" family. She has 5 of his kids (5-12) and 1 on the way.

 

He spends more time with her than our family. I hate when he's there. She doesn't know about me. After he told me he needed to stay present in his "real" families home we started having unprotected sex again. It was stupid and I'm getting an IUD if I'm not pregnant. I was told you are very fertile after giving birth so I'm not feeling confident. I'm not strong enough to test right now.

 

I don't know what to do. On paper he looks like a terrible guy. He has kids aged 0, 2, 2, 5, 6, 8, 9, 12 and at least one more on the way from her. He says he won't have more with her because she is 34. He's 39. But he said he would have more with me. I'm 24. He said he will leave her when the new baby is old enough to be away from the mother.

 

But we've been together 5 years and have a marriage like relationship. We have wedding pictures through the house, kids together. But he doesn't see me enough because he's always with her.

 

In my head I know I should run. I know how he'll never leave her. But in my heart I can't lose him and have hope he'll leave her and be with me.

 

Lately she has been posting pictures of him and her and their kids on Twitter and it bothers me. Our relationship has to be kept secret from most people and it's not fair. I, but mostly my kids, don't get their dad for holidays or family days at their daycare. They ask for their dad a lot and I can't make him come around more.

 

You are 24, which means you met him at 19. You were manipulated by someone a lot older. I hope he has a good job to support all those kids. This is a heavy story and I don't want to give carbon copy advice. Here is my advice - I have a daughter. If she was in this situation, I'd want her to tell me the truth. Can you tell your parents? You need some adults to take control of this situation. I am not talking down to you, but I'm almost 20 years older than you so I see you as really young.

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His "bond" is with her and his first kids, your "bond" with him was not strong enough for him to stay with you, so he went back to her.

 

He is feeding you a line, so he can have his cake and eat it too. DO NOT have any more kids with him.

 

Become the Tiger Mom your kids need instead of the secret in the attic.

 

Exactly.

This is no longer just about you. He has no intention of being with you and your kids, they will always be second best and have to "make do".

Get yourself out of there.

Find a better man to be father to your kids, you do not need to put up with this idiot any longer.

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dreamingoftigers

You are NOT married. He is.

 

And you are investing just as much into this total sham as a married person.

 

That is a VERY unwise decision and you are wasting your youth on this individual.

 

That will bite you so hard, especially with kids.

 

You will be so much better off without this loser.

 

And frankly. He doesn't just "look bad on paper." He IS bad. Bad husband AND bad father.

 

My husband's grandfather was a bigamist too. My husband was raised by his grandmother while his grandfather was back and forth but his grandmother didn't know about the other family. Finally he acted like such a jackass that she threw him out for good. Their marriage lasted 22 YEARS. When she went to file for divorce, she found out that although she had been led to believe she was legally married, she wasn't and that her "husband" had another family already in Idaho. She had had four kids with him by then!

 

My husband described him as being pretty unstable but he worked in sales and had the family move a lot so they never suspected. But it was really hard on the kids. They are ALL dysfunctional.

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Sorry but you are plan B. You are not his wife.

 

From the look of it never will be.

 

Read what you've posted and pretend it's someone else posting. What advice would you give?

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While this site is such an incredible source of emotional support for me, it also is an incredible repertoire of proofs of human ugliness. Just when I think I heard the ugliest story, there comes in yet another story of a how low a man can go.

 

Kholm,

I don't know what language is appropriate to describe how despicable this man's actions are.

*On paper* he sounds like a terrible guy? No, he actually sounds like a sub-human.

 

Are you absolutely sure he does not have more "wives" just like you?

 

Please, oh please, expose this man to his wife.

 

This MAN

needs to be exposed and

booted out by wedded & legal wife #1

booted out by wedded but illegal wife #2

 

and

held responsible for providing:

 

child support for 12 year old

child support for 9 year old

child support for 8 year old

child support for 6 year old

child support for 5 year old

child support for 2 year old

child support for 2 year old

child support for 0 year old

child support for unborn (single/twin/triplet??)

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(((Kholm)))

 

He is of no real help to you or your children since he keeps flip flopping back and forth between you and his wife. Maybe he can at least contribute finacially though.

 

I think you know he is a liar and he will never be trustworthy or someone you can truly depend on to be a good partner or father. I'm really sorry you found yourself here. You are too young to keep subjecting yourself to this man's whims. Be a strong momma now and get things sorted out. Focus on making a better life for you and your kids. I'm not usually someone to tell you to expose the man to his wife, but in this case I agree with all the other posters who have told you to do so.

 

Who do you have to talk to in real life? Would your parents or a sibling be understanding and non judgemental? You need to surround yourself with support and good advice now. Reach out to people you trust.

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loveisanaction

You are not married to this man. All you had was a party ceremony which is why he had the audacity to say that he needs to be there for his *real* wife. In his eyes that's who he sees as his legitimate family.

 

You were a teenager when you met this man, very easy for him to have manipulated you...and he did.

 

You are not legally bound to him, even with the 'wedding ceremony' and child you are still considered his other woman.

 

Do not waste your time on this (i can't even call him a man) pitiful excuse for a human being. Ughhhh!!! He stole your innocence and is wasting some of the best years of your life.

 

If you do not kick him out of your life and back to the hole where he crawled out of, he will continue to suck your youth out of you and waste your very precious life on fake promises and castles in the sky.

Edited by loveisanaction
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I don't want to tell her because I don't want to ruin the other kids lives. All of those kids are old enough to figure out what's happening. Our kids aren't mentally at that point yet.

 

He's been with her for 15 years. I don't think there are more women he's involved with but she doesn't know about me so it's possible there is someone I don't know about. But he really wouldn't have time...

 

I asked him before what he would pay her in child support if he left. He said max of $5200/month, and said for me it would be $3200/month, if he abandoned and had no custody. He went to a lawyer to talk about it. I didn't know he was asking about me as well... After he said it he tried to take it back and cover it up by saying the lawyer told him "just in case".

 

I met him when I was 18. He worked for my dad and I saw him a lot when I'd go into the office. I had never had a boyfriend and he showed a lot of interest, no one had been interested in me before. I'd go out of my way to see him and he flirted and slowly going further and further until we had sex, in his office. I was hooked. I was a kid and a virgin. He'd tell me, how sexy virgins are, that he wanted to teach me how to please a man, have a fresh slate, how tight I was, compliments on my "tight" body.

 

My parents would kill me if they ever found out. My dad had affairs through most of my childhood. My mom kept it a secret until I was 16-17 so I wasn't affected by it. My dad told me to never go down that path, on either side of it. But I did. They'd be furious and disappointed. They aren't very understanding people. Even small mistakes I made as a kid and teen were like I burned down the house. They moved across the country a few years ago so it has been easy to lie and say we're legally married and have no problems.

 

I know it was a mistake. Quite often I feel like I shouldn't have kids right now. I thought I was an adult and mature enough. I love my kids more than anything. I love being a mom and doing everything for them. But when I look at them I think that I shouldn't be here.

 

If I end it I'm still going to have to see him because he'd be in our kids lives. I don't know how I'll see him and not be heartbroken all the time. I don't want our kids to see us fight or not get along. I'm scared to end it and always worry if he would have eventually left her. I keep wanting to wait until he said he'll leave and if he doesn't by that point, then go. But the cycle just repeats. I don't want to give up too early, for my kids.

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First, I want to share that I was OW. My h left his ex and we have been married for several years now. I am not going to judge yo, you will get enough of that, but I do have some things to say.

 

It was not fair for him to take advantage of the young girl you were. You knew nothing of life. He did, and was too selfish to let you live yours.

 

It was not fair of him to have a marriage ceremony with you. He is keeping you from finding a wonderful man to share your life with, and believe me, they are out there waiting for a wonderful, kind, loyal woman.

 

It is not fair to make his wife live in the dark. She will be devastated when she finds out the last five years of her marriage were a lie. Tell her anyway. She has the right to make that choice ... five years. That is SO long.

 

It is not fair that your children are living a lie. When the shiz hits the fan guess who will suffer? ALL of his kids will spend the rest of their lives k owing their dad was a creep. They may be shunned. He may stay with his wife and dump you and your kids, leaving you to go it alone.

 

It is not fair to involve everyone in his duplicitous behavior. He is the only one who knows the whole truth of his marriage and your faux marriage.

 

Nobody deserves this.

 

Is he supporting you financially? Do you work? Get a job, make him pay support. Tell his wife. I want you to know I almost NEVER say to expose, but with all these kids... my God. They have a right to know who their siblings are.

 

Jesus. What a disaster. He needs to face the music.

 

There is a man out there that will love and care for you fully and honestly, but you have to cut the line on this dead fish first in order to catch a new, clean, delicious one.

Edited by goodyblue
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There is a man out there that will love and care for you fully and honestly, but you have to cut the line on this dead fish first in order to catch a new, clean, delicious one.

^^^^ This^^^^

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As much as this man is a messy mess. And is just playing around like a

teen instead of being a man, you are as guilty as him!

 

You are grown enough to know that messing with married people is wrong!

But still you continue this for 5 years and also get pregnant.

So you are as wrong as him. And you should be mad at yourself!

 

As you see you can never win from the wife!

And he love his wife. Thats why he choose her above you and will always do.

He fool you with fake marriage and keep lie to you because he see that you have low self esteem and easy to play and lie to.

And even when you know the truth still you wont do anything about it.

 

You need to clean up this mess and stop messing with this guy and stop sleep and make kids with him.

The way you living is making your kids not respect you later on.

And people will look down on them and remember that they are affair kids.

 

You are living a lie and a very messy one. You lie to your kids with fake marriage pics , you lie to your family and yourself.

 

Come clean about this to your family and live a true life.

Stop sex and make babys with this man.

And work on your self esteem! Respect yourself and peoples marriage.

This guy is not father material or marriage material.

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As much as this man is a messy mess. And is just playing around like a

teen instead of being a man, you are as guilty as him!

 

You are grown enough to know that messing with married people is wrong!

But still you continue this for 5 years and also get pregnant.

So you are as wrong as him. And you should be mad at yourself!

 

As you see you can never win from the wife!

And he love his wife. Thats why he choose her above you and will always do.

He fool you with fake marriage and keep lie to you because he see that you have low self esteem and easy to play and lie to.

And even when you know the truth still you wont do anything about it.

 

You need to clean up this mess and stop messing with this guy and stop sleep and make kids with him.

The way you living is making your kids not respect you later on.

And people will look down on them and remember that they are affair kids.

 

You are living a lie and a very messy one. You lie to your kids with fake marriage pics , you lie to your family and yourself.

 

Come clean about this to your family and live a true life.

Stop sex and make babys with this man.

And work on your self esteem! Respect yourself and peoples marriage.

This guy is not father material or marriage material.

 

While I agree she bears some of the responsibility, he was much older and knew what he was doing. She was a young girl, a virgin, was swept off her feet and now knows nothing else. HE should be tarred and feathered if for no other reason than she was barely legal.

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While I agree she bears some of the responsibility, he was much older and knew what he was doing. She was a young girl, a virgin, was swept off her feet and now knows nothing else. HE should be tarred and feathered if for no other reason than she was barely legal.

 

sHE MET HIM AT 19. Even thou he was older she was not a kid.

And she sure knew it wasn't right

Beside now she 24 and still keep making same mistakes and making kids with him. And being 24 still she manage to play along and fake a marriage and lie to her family and her kids.

Lets be honest, not every 19 year old get themselves into this kind of situation. She is not that innocent. He know dam wel by now what she is doing and what is going on. Just for the facts she hide it from her family.

 

I think she need to take responsibility. Because blaming him wont get her to step up.

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sHE MET HIM AT 19. Even thou he was older she was not a kid.

And she sure knew it wasn't right

Beside now she 24 and still keep making same mistakes and making kids with him. And being 24 still she manage to play along and fake a marriage and lie to her family and her kids.

Lets be honest, not every 19 year old get themselves into this kind of situation. She is not that innocent. SHe know dam well by now what she is doing and what is going on. Just for the facts she hide it from her family.

 

I think she need to take responsibility. Because blaming him wont get her to step up.

co r rec tion.

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sHE MET HIM AT 19. Even thou he was older she was not a kid.

And she sure knew it wasn't right

Beside now she 24 and still keep making same mistakes and making kids with him. And being 24 still she manage to play along and fake a marriage and lie to her family and her kids.

Lets be honest, not every 19 year old get themselves into this kind of situation. She is not that innocent. He know dam wel by now what she is doing and what is going on. Just for the facts she hide it from her family.

 

I think she need to take responsibility. Because blaming him wont get her to step up.

 

I think at 19 she was young and naive, but at 24 with three kids it is more difficult to believe she is still so innocent.

Yes, he is a scumbag, but it is time for the OP to stand up for herself and her kids.

He is already talking about "abandonment" and finding out about child support. He may indeed take the "easier" option and just walk away from one or even both women and all the kids.

My guess he will then be looking for another "virgin with a tight body"...

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I don't want to tell her because I don't want to ruin the other kids lives. All of those kids are old enough to figure out what's happening. Our kids aren't mentally at that point yet.

 

And what of your children Kholm? What do they deserve?

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I think at 19 she was young and naive, but at 24 with three kids it is more difficult to believe she is still so innocent.

Yes, he is a scumbag, but it is time for the OP to stand up for herself and her kids.

He is already talking about "abandonment" and finding out about child support. He may indeed take the "easier" option and just walk away from one or even both women and all the kids.

My guess he will then be looking for another "virgin with a tight body"...

 

Not only this but once you have a baby you grow up a lot. I.do this k that after this amount of time she should know to walk. But the fact that he is all she has ever known will play a big role on her putting up with him being the puppeteer in this scenario, she and the wife being the puppets. It's just awful.

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You know, sometimes I feel like people in an affair have this fantasy of how if they play the cards right, everything is going to end up fine and no one is going to get hurt.

 

Someone is always going to get hurt - be it now, be it in a few years. Worrying about hurting the wife is practically closing the gate after the horse has already bolted. The best thing you can do is suck out the venom from your life and wipe the slate clean - start living honestly. It comes with a lot of hurt and drama and painful consequences, but that's just part of the path you chose and need to go through to live an honest and healthy life with your kids.

 

I think that you know he's lying to you - his wife is pregnant, she most likely wasn't visited by an angel - they had sex. Do you want to live and soend the rest of your life with a liar and a cheater? Do you want to have the same destiny one day as his legal wife? Seek better for yourself and your children, don't be someone's ''second'' family. Don't let your kids be someone's ''second'' kids.

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I don't want to tell her because I don't want to ruin the other kids lives.

This man, the father of the other kids, has already ruined their lives. He cheated on their mother for the past 5 years. He has *married* another woman behind their mother's back. He has brought other children into this world that they aren't aware of. You will not ruin their lives, you will save them from such a pathetic disgraceful father. They will be better off without having this toxic man around.

 

All of those kids are old enough to figure out what's happening. Our kids aren't mentally at that point yet.

His 5 year and 6 year old young children are OLD enough to figure out what's happening? You are joking right? Five/six year olds still believe in santa claus and tooth fairies.

 

On a separate note, he's got 5 and 6 year olds; that mean when he started cheating on his wife with you, he had a newborn and a 1 year old baby at home. You ask yourself how you'd feel if he starts cheating on YOU with another woman right after having your newborn with him.

 

I met him when I was 18. He worked for my dad and I saw him a lot when I'd go into the office.

He seduced his bosses virgin daughter while having a wife and 6 children at home.

 

I'd go out of my way to see him and he flirted and slowly going further and further until we had sex, in his office. I was hooked. I was a kid and a virgin.

He'd tell me, how sexy virgins are, that he wanted to teach me how to please a man, have a fresh slate, how tight I was, compliments on my "tight" body.

You were just a 18 year old kid; on top, you had no experience and hungry in a natural way--you were human.

He was the adult in the picture. It was his responsibility to be the ethical adult. He acted as nothing more than a deceitful manipulative predator.

 

My parents would kill me if they ever found out. My dad had affairs through most of my childhood. My mom kept it a secret until I was 16-17 so I wasn't affected by it. My dad told me to never go down that path, on either side of it. But I did. They'd be furious and disappointed. They aren't very understanding people. Even small mistakes I made as a kid and teen were like I burned down the house. They moved across the country a few years ago so it has been easy to lie and say we're legally married and have no problems.

No they will not kill you. They will be there to support you. They will be angry that you handled it for so many years alone without letting them in to help you cope.

Your parents experienced the effects of affairs firsthand. They will support you more than you realize.

You ARE a victim in this story. Please, please let your parents be there for you to help you. You need a lot of support right now to help you get out of this mess with such a sick man who has been using you all these years.

 

You deserve more. Your children deserver more.

You are ONLY 24 years old. You have so much to give and so much of REAL genuine care to experience--but it will have to be with a sincere man.

 

This man has been a CON ARTIST to you, to his wife, to all his children.

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BOTH are Accountable for this charade and affair.

 

Best way out of it is to go thru it with affirmative action.

 

You are not married and the kids are the collateral damage.

 

Quite the role model to portray.....such a pity.

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But the fact that he is all she has ever known will play a big role on her putting up with him being the puppeteer in this scenario, she and the wife being the puppets.

 

ditto. this dude seems like an abuser to me! i think the OP needs support and help from the outside - family OR friends, that's the only way she'll get out.

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What is it you don't understand about the situation?

 

It's a ****ty mess. His wife deserves to know about you and your children.

 

You are 24 years old not a 2year old. If you get your children and yourself out of this crappy life style, you might possible be able to salvage the remainder of your life.

 

There will aftermath for everyone for many years to come.

 

Poppy.

 

ps Tell your parents the truth. They will be hurt and disappointed in you for sure but they might eventually come around and give you some support.

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ShatteredLady

Please make an appointment with a lawyer. YOU find out the legal situation that you & your children are in.

 

This is going to cause pain & trauma but the sooner the truth comes out, the sooner that you 2 mothers can deal with the fallout. Plan therapy for your children. STOP breeding with is low life & get started on living real lives.

 

You need to give ALL of the information to his wife. DON'T tell him first. Send her the photographs. Tell her your whole story from 18 years old. Agree to talk to her.

 

The ONLY people who are going to love, care & do the right thing for all of those children are their mothers.

 

The longer this goes on the more children there are going to be & the worse this situation is going to get. His BS & you, his OW stand a chance at finding real lives. The sooner, the better.

 

PLEASE do the right thing.

 

I'd talk to your Mum. From what you say she understands betrayal & pain.

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