Sex with BS post affair

[paradoxx]

I am so sorry to any BS who is offended by this.

 

I need help from any MOW/MOM who have decided to stay with their BS.

I feel horrible struggling with this. I desperately want to feel like I'm back in my marriage, but am having trouble enjoying sex without fantasizing about my AP.

 

Has anyone else struggled with this and how did you deal with it?

 

I've been nc for 3 weeks with no DDay.

[rumblefish12]

I am so sorry to any BS who is offended by this.

 

I need help from any MOW/MOM who have decided to stay with their BS.

I feel horrible struggling with this. I desperately want to feel like I'm back in my marriage, but am having trouble enjoying sex without fantasizing about my AP.

 

Has anyone else struggled with this and how did you deal with it?

 

I've been nc for 3 weeks with no DDay.

 

I know what you mean. I dealt with that too. You seriously can't allow yourself to fantasize about your XAP, during sex with BS or alone time. It's really difficult. I'm here to tell you it gets better -- A LOT better. You're early on. As goasksuzie.com says, you practice letting go day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and for me second by second. it is a practice. It is an action, based on a decision. Everything doesn't fall in place immediately as a result. It comes in time. Fake it til you make as they say. I'm a firm believer. Hang in there.

[NTV]

have you not yet begun hysterical bonding?

[elaine567]

have you not yet begun hysterical bonding?

 

Hysterical bonding is where the BS tries to win the WS back, by being the "superspouse".

 

Here Paradoxx is the WS, trying to not think of the AP whilst having sex with her BH.

[NTV]

Hysterical bonding is where the BS tries to win the WS back, by being the "superspouse".

 

Here Paradoxx is the WS, trying to not think of the AP whilst having sex with her BH.

 

 

 

I thought HB was when the sex drive for the betrayed spouse kicks up like crazy. Like the body's hypersexual reaction. That's how I always heard it used.

 

 

And I asked because I believe it would be difficult for a WS to even think of AP while trying to keep up.

[elaine567]

I thought HB was when the sex drive for the betrayed spouse kicks up like crazy. Like the body's hypersexual reaction. That's how I always heard it used.

 

It is a reaction to being betrayed, it is all part of the "pick me" dance. It says "I am just as good as your OW/OM..." . "I need you to want ME", "You are MINE, I claim you", "I need the comfort" "I need the reassurance"

 

The WS may play along, but as in this case, may indeed be fantasizing about the AP at the same time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am so sorry to any BS who is offended by this.

 

I need help from any MOW/MOM who have decided to stay with their BS.

I feel horrible struggling with this. I desperately want to feel like I'm back in my marriage, but am having trouble enjoying sex without fantasizing about my AP.

 

Has anyone else struggled with this and how did you deal with it?

 

I've been nc for 3 weeks with no DDay.

 

Yes. I'll be honest. I thought of him each and every time. Now I didn't pretend it was him but it would come into my mind. Eventually it goes away because you just forget exactly what it was like. I'm assuming you were not a virgin when you met your H, do you really remember ex boyfriends? Memory fades. I can't remember what it was like to kiss him or anything anymore and I see him. Its been about 6 months for me.

[waterwoman]

IME hysterical bonding was a shock reaction. You cling on harder to what you nearly lost. And mostly it was driven by WH rather than me.

[ChickiePops]

have you not yet begun hysterical bonding?

 

No DDay, no hysterical bonding. She said her spouse doesn't know so why would he feel the need to change anything?

[Maggie888]

Elaine that is not what hystericsl bonding is. In most cases its a MUTUAL thing that occurs after dday. The BS and WS realize how ckose they have come to losing each other and their desire and sex drive spikes. Often similar to how you feel at the onset of a new relationship.

 

Now that occurs usually when the two spouses really love each other and WS regrets the affair and doesnt want to leave. Its not really part of the pick me dance

 

That being said I agree sometimes there can be a one sided increase in initiation of sex by a desparate BS. But thats not Hysterical Bonding. HB is mutual and more primal than calculated

Edited July 12, 2016 by Maggie888

[AlwaysGrowing]

Elaine that is not what hystericsl bonding is. In most cases its a MUTUAL thing that occurs after dday. The BS and WS realize how ckose they have come to losing each other and their desire and sex drive spikes. Often similar to how you feel at the onset of a new relationship.

 

Now that occurs usually when the two spouses really love each other and WS regrets the affair and doesnt want to leave. Its not really part of the pick me dance

 

That being said I agree sometimes there can be a one sided increase in initiation of sex by a desparate BS. But thats not Hysterical Bonding. HB is mutual and more primal than calculated

 

HB is also a coping mechanism for the body/mind. DDay causes such a deep emotional response in BS and many WS, that it is in a way...a pressure relief valve. So yes, those spouses that do indeed love their mate (BS&WS), naturally come to HB as a way to balance the emotional trauma of infidelity.

[carhill]

Tough with no Dday. The chasm of secrecy remains. Some folks who are good compartmentalizers can bridge the chasm because the past/present affair box is separate from the sex with spouse box.

 

I found things much simpler with everything out in the open. MC helped a bunch. ExW (BS) and I shared same bed, and I had no issues regarding fantasy, until we split domiciles. However, different kettle of fish with voluntary disclosure and being a male versus female.

 

Personally, I think IC could help with this. MC sure helped us. Hard to do MC though if not willing to be transparent with one's spouse. The marriage remains a hostage of secrecy. IDK. Hope you figure it out and get the M back on track.

[paradoxx]

I'd only been with one other man before getting married and although it was a long relationship, the memories of him have faded so that does give me hope. I'm disappointed that I'm not finding sex with my husband fulfilling. I think I keep wanting to be more compatible than we are. I realize that I've been fooling myself for years about our relationship and thinking that everything was okay when it wasn't. I've kept trying to accept that things were alright. My affair has been a wake up call that I can't keep suppressing what Im feeling. I find it hard to go back to pretending our sex life is alright when I need to face reality of other aspects that aren't, in order to work on our marriage. I want to think that this is just me not seeing things clearly because of the affair; that it's just a "fog" that needs to pass.

 

I think I've been trying the fake it til you make it throughout my marriage, and look where it got me!

 

Ugh.

 

Thank you for your honest responses. There really is no other place I could discuss this and knowing others have been in similar situations does help.

 

paradoxx

[elaine567]

"HB refers to the surprisingly common phenomenon following discovery of a spouse's adultery to suddenly crave sex with that person morning, noon and night. "

 

Now that occurs usually when the two spouses really love each other and WS regrets the affair and doesnt want to leave.

 

You may want to believe that but if you listen to many WSs they do not understand why the BS is being so sexual, when they feel they should be being punished not "loved".

 

It is not usually a mutual thing, the WS is often actually grieving for the loss of his/her AP.

It may be, but it is often not.

[Maggie888]

I dont want to believe anything. I am neither an OW or BS. I am just going by my research and testimony from thousands of BS/WS.

 

The pick me dance really is something different than hysterical bonding. If the BS is feeling emotional and surging in her sexuality that is a natural primal response, which is different then a conscious calculated decision to "be a better spouse". Many many times the WS is terrified at losing the WS and family after Dday and feels the same primal response.

 

At any rate, my point is the definition as presented by you is incorrect -- its not merely something done by BS to try and win favor of the WS.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'd only been with one other man before getting married and although it was a long relationship, the memories of him have faded so that does give me hope. I'm disappointed that I'm not finding sex with my husband fulfilling. I think I keep wanting to be more compatible than we are. I realize that I've been fooling myself for years about our relationship and thinking that everything was okay when it wasn't. I've kept trying to accept that things were alright. My affair has been a wake up call that I can't keep suppressing what Im feeling. I find it hard to go back to pretending our sex life is alright when I need to face reality of other aspects that aren't, in order to work on our marriage. I want to think that this is just me not seeing things clearly because of the affair; that it's just a "fog" that needs to pass.

 

paradoxx

 

Oh - that is totally different then. xMM had a serious problem getting and keeping an erection (sorry guys if you are reading this). It was the reason he and his W had not had sex in years. It took a lot of "work" and then he had premature ejaculation. That was with me. With her it really did not work at all. Although, he has told me they started trying to have sex again in May.

 

You are thinking - um, why do you want this guy? And you'd be right! But the heart wants what it wants.

 

Anyway, Paradoxx, your situation is different. My sex life with H is good. You will have to deal with the problems or it will just happen again. Have you discussed it with him?

[paradoxx]

Anyway, Paradoxx, your situation is different. My sex life with H is good. You will have to deal with the problems or it will just happen again. Have you discussed it with him?

 

Our sex life was never bad. I just realized that there are things about his preferences that don't mesh with mine and since this affair, I can't seem to turn a blind eye (or body) to it. BH tries, it's just another refection of our relationship as a whole: I am not happy and I keep trying to push that emotion aside and accept it because logically I think I should be. Anyway, the result is that I've obviously turned off emotionally to have had the affair in the first place. Now I'm struggling to go back to my marriage, but I'm more aware of this emotional disconnect and my dissatisfaction...and that is affecting my sex life. He is fine with everything though.

 

As bad as it sounds, I didn't have as much of a problem with sex with my husband while I was involved in the affair.

 

So basically, things shouldn't be bothering me this much. But they are. I want to be thankful for what I have, but as the MC says, my body is betraying me.

[OhNoYouDidNot]

Our sex life was never bad. I just realized that there are things about his preferences that don't mesh with mine and since this affair, I can't seem to turn a blind eye (or body) to it. BH tries, it's just another refection of our relationship as a whole: I am not happy and I keep trying to push that emotion aside and accept it because logically I think I should be. Anyway, the result is that I've obviously turned off emotionally to have had the affair in the first place. Now I'm struggling to go back to my marriage, but I'm more aware of this emotional disconnect and my dissatisfaction...and that is affecting my sex life. He is fine with everything though.

 

As bad as it sounds, I didn't have as much of a problem with sex with my husband while I was involved in the affair.

 

So basically, things shouldn't be bothering me this much. But they are. I want to be thankful for what I have, but as the MC says, my body is betraying me.

 

I can't speak as a WS but I can speak as someone whose marriage was in the toilet when my WH strayed. My question is in regards to the issues you were having before the A happened. Were they always there or did they just become apparent when the A started? APs tend to get all the sunshine and loveliness and BSs are made out to be the bad guy through a process called "rewriting marriage history." The problems you're having connecting with your H during sex might be more about your mind playing tricks and being in the fog than your "body betraying you." Not having the A out in the open certainly makes things more difficult to separate because you haven't let go of the fantasy. Of course your husband can't stack up - he doesn't even know he's in a competition.

 

I doubt you can discuss your sexual disconnect in MC. Of course not - because then you'd have to admit who you are thinking about. So you have to figure things out on your own. If you are hellbent on keeping the A a secret, then you're going to have to find ways of reconnecting with your husband sexually as if he's a new partner. There are "getting to know" you type games you can play and even couples quizzes like mojoupgrade that you will need to make yourself vulnerable enough to try. In the same token, if you are truly unhappy with the M, you need to let your husband go - he will never fulfill your expectations.

[MJJean]

 

You may want to believe that but if you listen to many WSs they do not understand why the BS is being so sexual, when they feel they should be being punished not "loved".

 

It is not usually a mutual thing, the WS is often actually grieving for the loss of his/her AP.

It may be, but it is often not.

 

I've seen it after DDay go both ways more often than not. The WS and the BS both trying to "claim" each other in order to continue the marriage. Sometimes, when neither of them actually wants to stay married.

 

It really does seem to be a primal thing that cannot be deliberately triggered.

 

I never experienced HB with my exH, either when he was having affairs or when I was.

 

DH experienced HB with his former GF when they were in their semi-open relationship drama phase right before finally ending it. HB was why it didn't end sooner. Cuz, they thought, if they're that physically into each other, regardless of the myriad other problems, maaaybeee...

 

I think some people HB and others just don't have the wiring for it or they weren't that emotionally attached in the first place and therefore never got triggered.

[BenchCoach]

Without going into too much detail, what is it that your AP was giving you? In other words, what is it that your husband is lacking in the bedroom. Could it be that it was just a "different" situation, altogether.

 

In your previous thread, you mentioned that OM was younger- could that have something to do with it? Were you two doing things you and your husband weren't? What was the age difference, exactly?

[DKT3]

Anyway, Paradoxx, your situation is different. My sex life with H is good. You will have to deal with the problems or it will just happen again. Have you discussed it with him?

 

Our sex life was never bad. I just realized that there are things about his preferences that don't mesh with mine and since this affair, I can't seem to turn a blind eye (or body) to it. BH tries, it's just another refection of our relationship as a whole: I am not happy and I keep trying to push that emotion aside and accept it because logically I think I should be. Anyway, the result is that I've obviously turned off emotionally to have had the affair in the first place. Now I'm struggling to go back to my marriage, but I'm more aware of this emotional disconnect and my dissatisfaction...and that is affecting my sex life. He is fine with everything though.

 

As bad as it sounds, I didn't have as much of a problem with sex with my husband while I was involved in the affair.

 

So basically, things shouldn't be bothering me this much. But they are. I want to be thankful for what I have, but as the MC says, my body is betraying me.

 

No its your mind. When you have a roadblock keeping you from what you want you attempt to remove it. Your husband is the roadblock, until you truly let go of the idea of this other guy nothing about your marriage will be good enough.

 

Secondly I really doubt you were that unhappy before....simply a way to justify what you've done which is destroyed your marriage. Once you've headed down that path it's EASY and convenient to point the finger at the marriage and the husband....it sure beats blaming yourself. No one wants to think of themselves as the bad guy so we manufacture things to make it not be so. You didn't know these things were missing because they weren't missing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

No its your mind. When you have a roadblock keeping you from what you want you attempt to remove it. Your husband is the roadblock, until you truly let go of the idea of this other guy nothing about your marriage will be good enough.

 

Secondly I really doubt you were that unhappy before....simply a way to justify what you've done which is destroyed your marriage. Once you've headed down that path it's EASY and convenient to point the finger at the marriage and the husband....it sure beats blaming yourself. No one wants to think of themselves as the bad guy so we manufacture things to make it not be so. You didn't know these things were missing because they weren't missing.

 

We don't know that. We have no details. Sometimes people just turn you off - their skin, their scent, their expressions. Or they are lousy in bed. I don't think she is justifying having an affair.

 

It got to the point with my ex that I had to be drunk to have sex. He just repulsed me. I divorced him. With my H now, even though I am still very emotionally stuck on xMM, I still have no problem in the bedroom with H.

 

Good sex is good sex. Bad is uck and just because it's in your mind, does not mean it is not real.

[paradoxx]

 

No its your mind. When you have a roadblock keeping you from what you want you attempt to remove it. Your husband is the roadblock, until you truly let go of the idea of this other guy nothing about your marriage will be good enough.

 

Secondly I really doubt you were that unhappy before....simply a way to justify what you've done which is destroyed your marriage. Once you've headed down that path it's EASY and convenient to point the finger at the marriage and the husband....it sure beats blaming yourself. No one wants to think of themselves as the bad guy so we manufacture things to make it not be so. You didn't know these things were missing because they weren't missing.

 

I really want this to be the case. I've brought this up in IC thinking that maybe I've "rewritten history". If that was the case I'd hope to be able to remember what I felt before and get my marriage back on track.

 

Every time I try to minimize my unhappiness and blame the affair I'm told that the affair was my attempt to band aid the marriage and not the source of problem. That's not to say that it isn't a problem of course, and I fear that it could be the destruction of my marriage.

 

So, am I rewriting history/ creating the problem? Or was the problem there and I just refused to admit it to myself instead trying to cope on my own?

 

This sounds defensive, I dont mean it to though. I've been told such strong words about the state of my marriage to the point where I actually worry that Im miscommunicated something. So, LS community, what do you think? Am I inventing problems to justify the affair?

[Lady Hamilton]

Only you can answer if you're inventing the problems to justify the affair. On the whole, to say that's what everybody does as some sort of coping mechanism is clearly false. There are plenty of folks who have affairs who have troubled marriages before the affair ever started. One could argue the very affair itself is a sign that something in the marriage is flawed or suffering as there are plenty of people who will say they think happily married people don't have affairs.

 

As for the sex issue... I'm not sure there is an easy answer. After my affair, I had sex with my husband exactly once and couldn't cope with it. That experience was one of the worst of my life. I started sleeping on the couch and that was it. I knew for certain we had no future.

 

My AP also did what it sounds like you're doing... "Well, I said I'd stay and this is what you do when you are married." He also didn't enjoy it, to say the least. And the more she felt him slipping away sexually, the more she wanted it. So the worse and more detached he felt.

 

I don't know how you overcome things when you get to that point. I didn't and ultimately, he didn't either... Though of forced to he would have kept trying because... That's what you do. I'm not sure if that would have worked or not, but I know it wasn't fun or a good feeling to have.

[DKT3]

I really want this to be the case. I've brought this up in IC thinking that maybe I've "rewritten history". If that was the case I'd hope to be able to remember what I felt before and get my marriage back on track.

 

Every time I try to minimize my unhappiness and blame the affair I'm told that the affair was my attempt to band aid the marriage and not the source of problem. That's not to say that it isn't a problem of course, and I fear that it could be the destruction of my marriage.

 

So, am I rewriting history/ creating the problem? Or was the problem there and I just refused to admit it to myself instead trying to cope on my own?

 

This sounds defensive, I dont mean it to though. I've been told such strong words about the state of my marriage to the point where I actually worry that Im miscommunicated something. So, LS community, what do you think? Am I inventing problems to justify the affair?

Problems are present in all relationships, how you viewed them once the affair started is what changed. Ex: one of the men in a group I attended told me he played poker almost every Tuesday for 14 years. At first his wife hated it, soon she started taking that time to do things for herself, long baths, reading, spending time with her girlfriends. She begun to enjoy the time as much as he enjoyed poker. Once her affair was known one of her main issues was his Tuesday poker nights....that is rewriting history.

 

Secondly, coming to terms with maybe actually still having feeling for you husband and admitting that the issues were not actually as bad as you made them during the affair means that you were and are capable of intentionally hurting someone you love....no one wants to think that about themselves.

 

A very large number of women I your position basically force their husbands to end the marriage, in part because she views him as a roadblock in the way of this great love she shares with om, in part because she simply can't truly face what she has done to her husband, to her kids. It's easier to run away, blame the lost of connection, or a greater pull to om.

 

However you can't run, at some point it will all have to be dealt with, because you aren't a monster, because the "fog" will break.