Should I take him back if one day he's divorced?

[lilacwine]

I was the other woman for 1 year and the breakup initiated by me (no DDay) was almost 1 year ago. NC ever since. Like many OWs here, I read and read many posts on loveshack. It has been very helpful in my resolve to stick to NC. However, many posters here advice the OW to tell the MM to only contact them again once he's divorced. While people say once a cheater, always a cheater, is this truly a good idea at all?

 

I don't think my ex-MM would ever get divorced. But in life, you really can't tell the future and anything can happen. Hence, I've been thinking about this. What am I gonna do the day he tells me he's divorced. Of course I still love him but I would never be able to trust him completely. Is it worth taking the risk at all? Any thoughts?

 

And how about you? What would you do the day your x-mm comes back and tells you he's divorced and wants you back?

Edited July 10, 2016 by lilacwine

[imperfectangel]

I'm in the same position now. Every time MM contacts me now I ask him if he's leaving/divorcing. He always dodges the subject. If like me you've no interest in being a ow that's all you can do. I'm not blocking my MM since ultimately I want us to be together but I'm not engaging with him the way I used to anymore.

 

How did it end? Does your MM know you want more?

[lilacwine]

I'm in the same position now. Every time MM contacts me now I ask him if he's leaving/divorcing. He always dodges the subject. If like me you've no interest in being a ow that's all you can do. I'm not blocking my MM since ultimately I want us to be together but I'm not engaging with him the way I used to anymore.

 

How did it end? Does your MM know you want more?

 

It ended because I couldn't be the other woman any longer. Of course he knew why.

[elaine567]

...but I would never be able to trust him completely.

 

There is your answer.

[sandylee1]

If you say that the message is that you're going to hang around and wait for the possibility of divorce. I wouldn't let a man think I have that kind of love and devotion that I'm not worth or deserve a better man .... and that I can actually get another man. I think it gives them an ego boost personally.

[HappyAgain2014]

That day rarely comes so I wouldn't recommend investing time in it. While it's extremely rare for a MM to divorce, it's even more rare for a MM whose OW dumped him to divorce. I only know of one former OW on this board who this happened to and that divorce was years after NC.

 

Bottom line is he's a proven conflict avoiding cheater. Not the best husband material.

 

If my xMM ever divorced and came back proclaiming love for me, I'd share a good laugh with my husband. Wouldn't give that coward the time of day.

[Poppy47]

Hi Lilac,

I ended the A for the same reason you did. Being the OW wasn't something I wished to continue.

 

xMM would never divorce. He is a dyed in the wool, upright, proper pillar of society. If he were ever free..... No way in the world would I ever consider him as a life partner.

I Know too much about him.

 

Poppy

[elaine567]

If he were ever free..... No way in the world would I ever consider him as a life partner.

I Know too much about him.

 

...and there is also another side to that coin too.

Once divorced, does he really want to get involved with a woman who was quite happy to mess around with another woman's husband?

That type of thinking also plays into why many will choose to stay with the "innocent" and "honest" wife, than take a chance with the "scheming" and "deceitful" OW. Totally hypocritical, but it is not uncommon thinking.

 

Even if he does get divorced, some then see that as an opportunity to "express their sexual freedom" as opposed to getting seriously involved with someone else straight away. Dumping "the bridge" soon after getting the divorce finalized is not uncommon either.

 

It is never a good idea for anyone to get seriously involved with newly separated or newly divorced people, they often carry a huge amount of baggage that can take years to sort out in reality, before they are ready to date anyone.

[lilacwine]

...and there is also another side to that coin too.

Once divorced, does he really want to get involved with a woman who was quite happy to mess around with another woman's husband?

That type of thinking also plays into why many will choose to stay with the "innocent" and "honest" wife, than take a chance with the "scheming" and "deceitful" OW. Totally hypocritical, but it is not uncommon thinking.

 

Even if he does get divorced, some then see that as an opportunity to "express their sexual freedom" as opposed to getting seriously involved with someone else straight away. Dumping "the bridge" soon after getting the divorce finalized is not uncommon either.

 

It is never a good idea for anyone to get seriously involved with newly separated or newly divorced people, they often carry a huge amount of baggage that can take years to sort out in reality, before they are ready to date anyone.

 

Wow, very insightful. So it means even if one day x-MM does get divorced, he would probably be too busy sowing his wild oats elsewhere or would think twice about being serious with me before I get the chance to welcome him back into my life no matter how much love-bombing he used to feed me while we were in the affair. Thank you very much!!!!

[imperfectangel]

He may not seeing that you ended it without a dday and because you no longer wanted to be the ow. Everyone and every situation is different

[13Hearts]

Hell no, I wouldn't!

He has shown me the kind of person he is. He lies to and deceives the very person he is supposed to be honest, real, and true to, and puts her physical health and emotional well-being at risk when he is supposed to protect her!! Do you seriously believe that has something to do with HER worth or HER character? Because it doesn't.

 

I'm glad you have cut him off completely and am in awe of you that you did so, so completely, despite the pain I'm sure it caused you. But please open your eyes to who and what this guy really is. MM who continuously cheat on their wives and purposely deceive them, whatever their excuse, do not make good partners! Unless you consider having to be worried, paranoid, and/or snooping all the time to be a fun and rewarding existence with a man.

[lilacwine]

Hell no, I wouldn't!

He has shown me the kind of person he is. He lies to and deceives the very person he is supposed to be honest, real, and true to, and puts her physical health and emotional well-being at risk when he is supposed to protect her!! Do you seriously believe that has something to do with HER worth or HER character? Because it doesn't.

 

I'm glad you have cut him off completely and am in awe of you that you did so, so completely, despite the pain I'm sure it caused you. But please open your eyes to who and what this guy really is. MM who continuously cheat on their wives and purposely deceive them, whatever their excuse, do not make good partners! Unless you consider having to be worried, paranoid, and/or snooping all the time to be a fun and rewarding existence with a man.

 

What you wrote above are just exactly what have been on my mind when I start pondering the possibility of him being divorced one day. Thanks for your input. It's very reassuring to hear from other OWs in similar situations. It's true no matter how much I love him, it is NOT worth it at all. I should tell myself again and again that the bond between us is to be cut off FOREVER. Reconciliation will never happen in any shape or form, under any circumstance.

 

Then I wonder why many posters here give out the advice of "you should cut off with him and tell him to only contact you when he's divorced"? What's the point then? Why just advice the OWs to be completely done with him, erase him from your mind permanently because he's not worth it?

[lilajane]

Why would anyone want to get back in a relationship with a f*@#boy? I mean, if that's your thing, you need to have an open marriage if you get serious with a f*@#boy.

[Art_Critic]

You wanted him when he was married but if he was no longer married you wouldn't want him anymore ?

 

I think if you live and love on the premise that life is too short then you will give him a shot..

[Tayla]

Neither of you need have the other.

Divorce or no divorce, It was built upon lies by both parties.Where there is lies, love cannot grow.

[Bufo]

Call me when you are divorced is not meant to be taken literally. It means I don't want to be OM/OW any more. It's over unless you are divorced. Since you aren't divorced now it's over.

 

Also, it promises nothing if AP gets divorced. You aren't promising to reconnect.

 

And, unless you are psychic you cannot know whether you would be available if and when AP divorces.

 

All in all a pointe way to say hit the highway.

[13Hearts]

Neither of you need have the other.

Divorce or no divorce, It was built upon lies by both parties.Where there is lies, love cannot grow.

 

IDK about anyone else but my relationship with my XBF, who is married, was not founded on lies on MY part. I was honest, authentic, and true from the very beginning. In fact, he knew more than any other BF I have ever had, or could have, because we were friends for years. He knew exactly what I have gone through in my relationships with men, and knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship with a man. From the words that came right out of my mouth to his ears. He knew EXACTLY what I wanted and EXACTLY what I needed. And he exploited that.

 

He puts on this act that he is all innocent and this up-standing, ethical, moral, reliable (and with me, romantic and head over heels in love) guy, when it is all just a facade. And I believed it all. I bought into the image he portrays outward, and I believed every single one of his lies, deceptions, untruths, and plays on my emotions, my dreams, my wants, and my desires.

 

I gave him too much information about how I have always felt about him (I have, for nearly 30 years, looked up to him and wanted to be closely associated with him, in his inner circle, and when much younger, found him very attractive and had a huge crush on him). Maybe he IS innocent and was flattered and taken in by my admission of those facts, or maybe he is an OPPORTUNIST who made the conscious decision to take advantage of my feelings, both for him and because of the pain and disillusionment I had been struggling through over a recent break-up. I am willing to bet he knew exactly what he was doing, that he played a hurtful game of charades with me, as he denied every argument I gave him AGAINST a relationship with him, and pursued me hard for YEARS.

 

I go through so many emotions every single day. One minute I feel tough and brave, the next I feel defeated, then I feel sad and like I am going to cry, then I picture myself throwing large rocks at his car. I am hoping to be sufficiently distracted from this soon. Because I'm really sick of being on this emotional rollercoaster.

 

Anyway, my point was, my part was not a lie. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I tried MANY, many times to discuss the truth with him, and all he would do is deny what I saw as reality, argue with me, tell me I was wrong in the ways I interpreted the situation, and do things to convince me he was selling his house, separating from his wife, and getting a divorce. He even WROTE IT DOWN, telling me this was his plan.

 

I tell you, I have had a lot of relationships with guys from all walks of life, all backgrounds, and probably every single one had his own conception of what both life and relationships are about which simply did not jive with mine. They live in some parallel universe, where what are GIVENS to me in a relationship (fidelity, support, comraderie, responsibility, togetherness, affection, sex, love, etc) are FOREIGN CONCEPTS to them that ALWAYS take a backseat to what is important to them: THEMSELVES and THEIR OWN SELFISH WANTS, NEEDS, AND DESIRES.

 

Sorry, Lilacwine, I didn't mean to steal your thread or anything, I really just needed to get all that out. Thank you for posting, and helping me with your shares.

[Lady2163]

I'm more of a logical thinker than a fantasy player.

 

But IF XMM divorced and wanted to get back together, of course I'd give it a try. IF we wanted to get married, yes I would. That would involve us actually loving each other, which again, hard to fantasy play.

 

But it won't happen.

 

Here's my take: yes, he cheated. Yes, I was the scurrilous OW who "settled for crumbs and slept with another woman's husband.

 

But, our marriage, our relationship wouldn't be the same as his first marriage. It wouldn't be the same as any previous relationship. I divorced almost 20 years ago and any man I marry, things would be drastically different. Finances have changed, living conditions have changed. I've changed. I tolerate a lot less than I used to.

 

There's no way I'd "let" my imaginary husband be alone with his ex-wife or baby mama. While the raising of their children isn't my business (for the most part), I am perfectly capable of sitting and saying nothing. Conversely, if I were to have supper with my ex-husband (we are cordial, but 1500 miles apart) I would definitely invite my new husband.

 

In my XMM case, cheating involved a lack of communication and some very vanilla sex beliefs. I do think he was conflict avoidant. For us to be together, I would probably suggest some kind of counseling. We NEVER fought. He never got on my nerves or irritated me or did anything that upset me. That isn't normal! I'd want to know that he is generally content and committed to relationship and not just going along with things to keep the peace.

 

Whew. That's a whole lot of make believe on my part.

[Lady2163]

IDK about anyone else but my relationship with my XBF, who is married, was not founded on lies on MY part. I was honest, authentic, and true from the very beginning. In fact, he knew more than any other BF I have ever had, or could have, because we were friends for years. He knew exactly what I have gone through in my relationships with men, and knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship with a man. From the words that came right out of my mouth to his ears. He knew EXACTLY what I wanted and EXACTLY what I needed. And he exploited that.

 

He puts on this act that he is all innocent and this up-standing, ethical, moral, reliable (and with me, romantic and head over heels in love) guy, when it is all just a facade. And I believed it all. I bought into the image he portrays outward, and I believed every single one of his lies, deceptions, untruths, and plays on my emotions, my dreams, my wants, and my desires.

 

I gave him too much information about how I have always felt about him (I have, for nearly 30 years, looked up to him and wanted to be closely associated with him, in his inner circle, and when much younger, found him very attractive and had a huge crush on him). Maybe he IS innocent and was flattered and taken in by my admission of those facts, or maybe he is an OPPORTUNIST who made the conscious decision to take advantage of my feelings, both for him and because of the pain and disillusionment I had been struggling through over a recent break-up. I am willing to bet he knew exactly what he was doing, that he played a hurtful game of charades with me, as he denied every argument I gave him AGAINST a relationship with him, and pursued me hard for YEARS.

 

I go through so many emotions every single day. One minute I feel tough and brave, the next I feel defeated, then I feel sad and like I am going to cry, then I picture myself throwing large rocks at his car. I am hoping to be sufficiently distracted from this soon. Because I'm really sick of being on this emotional rollercoaster.

 

Anyway, my point was, my part was not a lie. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I tried MANY, many times to discuss the truth with him, and all he would do is deny what I saw as reality, argue with me, tell me I was wrong in the ways I interpreted the situation, and do things to convince me he was selling his house, separating from his wife, and getting a divorce. He even WROTE IT DOWN, telling me this was his plan.

 

I tell you, I have had a lot of relationships with guys from all walks of life, all backgrounds, and probably every single one had his own conception of what both life and relationships are about which simply did not jive with mine. They live in some parallel universe, where what are GIVENS to me in a relationship (fidelity, support, comraderie, responsibility, togetherness, affection, sex, love, etc) are FOREIGN CONCEPTS to them that ALWAYS take a backseat to what is important to them: THEMSELVES and THEIR OWN SELFISH WANTS, NEEDS, AND DESIRES.

 

Sorry, Lilacwine, I didn't mean to steal your thread or anything, I really just needed to get all that out. Thank you for posting, and helping me with your shares.

 

I've been where you were. It wasn't a MM, but a few boyfriends I've been "too open" with.

 

It's only been in the last few years that I figured out: if you express a want or need that is easily met by them and is well-defined and they blatantly choose not to meet it....RUN THE OTHER WAY.

 

Example: I had the misfortune of dating an alcoholic for two years. He hung out at the bar for 10-12 hours a day. Several times a week, we'd schedule supper for 600 PM. I'd go to pick him up and he'd want just one more beer. He'd do this until I started fussing. "Listen, I haven't eaten since 700 AM, I'm hungry,". Two hours later, "Cmon, let's go." 930 PM. "Everything closes at 1000 PM, I don't want to be making eggs at 200 AM..."

 

I'd end up making eggs at 200 AM. He also messed with my sleep. I had to get up at 600 AM. If I begged him NOT to call me, that I was exhausted, find his own ride home, he'd call at both 1000 PM and 200 AM.

 

So, these were things that were simple and well-explained. Food and sleep. He chose not to grant my needs and I chose to be a doormat. Lesson learned.

[Lady Hamilton]

I was the other woman for 1 year and the breakup initiated by me (no DDay) was almost 1 year ago. NC ever since. Like many OWs here, I read and read many posts on loveshack. It has been very helpful in my resolve to stick to NC. However, many posters here advice the OW to tell the MM to only contact them again once he's divorced. While people say once a cheater, always a cheater, is this truly a good idea at all?

 

I don't think my ex-MM would ever get divorced. But in life, you really can't tell the future and anything can happen. Hence, I've been thinking about this. What am I gonna do the day he tells me he's divorced. Of course I still love him but I would never be able to trust him completely. Is it worth taking the risk at all? Any thoughts?

 

And how about you? What would you do the day your x-mm comes back and tells you he's divorced and wants you back?

 

I married my AP, we are happy, our marriage is happy, and while we have lots of challenges, trust issues or a fear of cheating isn't one. I initially had some concerns and trust issues with regards to his staying (he bounced back and forth a few times) which lead to issues for be, but we've long since moved past it.

 

The whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing? Meh. It sounds good, but the reality is I only cheated once, I won't cheat again. I know he won't cheat either. I'm not the only one who feels this way... It is possible to have an affair and have that be the first, last, and/or only affair. You can't boil down the whole of what an affair is to a bumper sticker mantra. Love can't exist where there are lies? Come on now. That would mean that any WS doesn't love their spouse and if they reconcile that there will be no love there.

 

For me though, it all boils down to you saying you don't trust him. Affair orbit, having a relationship with somebody you don't trust is a hard, hard road.

[sandylee1]

When people say the relationship was "based on lies", it's not referring to your feelings towards MM ..... or that you told the MM lies .... it's about the relationship itself being based on deceit and sneaking around which you do in an affair. Of course you have to hide your relationship because you shouldn't be having a romantic relationship with a married man.

 

 

The feelings all round may very well be genuine, I don't think that is being disputed.

[whichwayisup]

I was the other woman for 1 year and the breakup initiated by me (no DDay) was almost 1 year ago. NC ever since. Like many OWs here, I read and read many posts on loveshack. It has been very helpful in my resolve to stick to NC. However, many posters here advice the OW to tell the MM to only contact them again once he's divorced. While people say once a cheater, always a cheater, is this truly a good idea at all?

 

I don't think my ex-MM would ever get divorced. But in life, you really can't tell the future and anything can happen. Hence, I've been thinking about this. What am I gonna do the day he tells me he's divorced. Of course I still love him but I would never be able to trust him completely. Is it worth taking the risk at all? Any thoughts?

 

And how about you? What would you do the day your x-mm comes back and tells you he's divorced and wants you back?

 

I hope you're not getting your hopes up? You ended the affair and there's NC in place. Chances are, it's been a year, he isn't leaving his wife nor divorcing her.

 

Don't wait! Let go and move on with your life, find a great (single) guy who treats you with love and respect.

[lilacwine]

IDK about anyone else but my relationship with my XBF, who is married, was not founded on lies on MY part. I was honest, authentic, and true from the very beginning. In fact, he knew more than any other BF I have ever had, or could have, because we were friends for years. He knew exactly what I have gone through in my relationships with men, and knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship with a man. From the words that came right out of my mouth to his ears. He knew EXACTLY what I wanted and EXACTLY what I needed. And he exploited that.

 

He puts on this act that he is all innocent and this up-standing, ethical, moral, reliable (and with me, romantic and head over heels in love) guy, when it is all just a facade. And I believed it all. I bought into the image he portrays outward, and I believed every single one of his lies, deceptions, untruths, and plays on my emotions, my dreams, my wants, and my desires.

 

I gave him too much information about how I have always felt about him (I have, for nearly 30 years, looked up to him and wanted to be closely associated with him, in his inner circle, and when much younger, found him very attractive and had a huge crush on him). Maybe he IS innocent and was flattered and taken in by my admission of those facts, or maybe he is an OPPORTUNIST who made the conscious decision to take advantage of my feelings, both for him and because of the pain and disillusionment I had been struggling through over a recent break-up. I am willing to bet he knew exactly what he was doing, that he played a hurtful game of charades with me, as he denied every argument I gave him AGAINST a relationship with him, and pursued me hard for YEARS.

 

I go through so many emotions every single day. One minute I feel tough and brave, the next I feel defeated, then I feel sad and like I am going to cry, then I picture myself throwing large rocks at his car. I am hoping to be sufficiently distracted from this soon. Because I'm really sick of being on this emotional rollercoaster.

 

Anyway, my point was, my part was not a lie. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I tried MANY, many times to discuss the truth with him, and all he would do is deny what I saw as reality, argue with me, tell me I was wrong in the ways I interpreted the situation, and do things to convince me he was selling his house, separating from his wife, and getting a divorce. He even WROTE IT DOWN, telling me this was his plan.

 

I tell you, I have had a lot of relationships with guys from all walks of life, all backgrounds, and probably every single one had his own conception of what both life and relationships are about which simply did not jive with mine. They live in some parallel universe, where what are GIVENS to me in a relationship (fidelity, support, comraderie, responsibility, togetherness, affection, sex, love, etc) are FOREIGN CONCEPTS to them that ALWAYS take a backseat to what is important to them: THEMSELVES and THEIR OWN SELFISH WANTS, NEEDS, AND DESIRES.

 

Sorry, Lilacwine, I didn't mean to steal your thread or anything, I really just needed to get all that out. Thank you for posting, and helping me with your shares.

 

Don't say sorry 13Hearts. You can say all you want. You're one of my favorite posters and many of your writings resonate with my feelings/my experiences. I'm glad you take the time to share with us. Keep writing!!!! I learn a lot from you. Thank you very much!!

[13Hearts]

I've been where you were. It wasn't a MM, but a few boyfriends I've been "too open" with.

 

It's only been in the last few years that I figured out: if you express a want or need that is easily met by them and is well-defined and they blatantly choose not to meet it....RUN THE OTHER WAY.

 

Example: I had the misfortune of dating an alcoholic for two years. He hung out at the bar for 10-12 hours a day. Several times a week, we'd schedule supper for 600 PM. I'd go to pick him up and he'd want just one more beer. He'd do this until I started fussing. "Listen, I haven't eaten since 700 AM, I'm hungry,". Two hours later, "Cmon, let's go." 930 PM. "Everything closes at 1000 PM, I don't want to be making eggs at 200 AM..."

 

I'd end up making eggs at 200 AM. He also messed with my sleep. I had to get up at 600 AM. If I begged him NOT to call me, that I was exhausted, find his own ride home, he'd call at both 1000 PM and 200 AM.

 

So, these were things that were simple and well-explained. Food and sleep. He chose not to grant my needs and I chose to be a doormat. Lesson learned.

 

Leaving the bar after an hour is more than reasonable. See what I mean? How is your alcoholic XBF's idea of a relationship even remotely close to yours when he does not see it is important to leave a bar after 10 hours, have dinner together, and not expect your partner to party with you 24/7?

 

If you wanted to party 24/7, you certainly wouldn't need a man to do that. And why would you want to anyway?

[13Hearts]

Don't say sorry 13Hearts. You can say all you want. You're one of my favorite posters and many of your writings resonate with my feelings/my experiences. I'm glad you take the time to share with us. Keep writing!!!! I learn a lot from you. Thank you very much!!

 

Oh, thank you Lilacwine <3 Thank you for saying so. That makes me feel like all of this is not for nothing. Whenever I post, I wonder if I make sense or at least sound rational. So I'm glad you get something from my posts