Long term affair with friend

[AutumnMoon]

I haven't posted in a long time.

 

This affair has been going on almost 4 years now.

 

We are family friends I'm wondering if their are any other out here like me?

[Chica80]

Hi Autumn. I saw your post in other thread.

 

No....(have known him 5yrs) just co workers first 3yrs. Started becoming friends about 2 yrs ago

EA/PA last 16 mo

[rumblefish12]

I'm wondering if their are any other out here like me?

 

HI Autumn - I didn't know her before the affair, but it was a full on PA for 3+ years. We are both married with kids. Multiple attempts at NC on both sides. This one has gone way beyond prior attempts and we are at about 3 1/2 months.

 

I understand the family/friends thing makes full on NC very difficult, but I'm sure you'll find A LOT in common with all the people on this thread nonetheless. Look for the similarities instead of the differences.

 

4 years goes by fast, doesn't it? I was recalling that once I got around the 3 year mark that i thought there was little chance that it could end without a DDay. We didn't have a DDay which is amazing and I'm very grateful for that. I'm looking for a silver lining today because it's a down day, but even the down days are getting better after 3.5 months.

[AutumnMoon]

4 years does go fast. We aren't ending it. I don't want to and he doesn't want to. We've never had a DDay, even come close. I think the risks are more because we are very close, but at same time nobody suspects anything because we are so close...

 

It's been very confusing and hard on the heart at times. I do love him. I wish love was enough!

[ZBA]

4 years does go fast. We aren't ending it. I don't want to and he doesn't want to. We've never had a DDay, even come close. I think the risks are more because we are very close, but at same time nobody suspects anything because we are so close...

 

Hi Autumn. Your MM is a family friend... so does that mean both of you and your spouses are all friends also? How do you personally feel about that?

 

MM and I are not family friends, but the one way I can parallel my situation to yours is that our social worlds were always very connected and entangled. We both know each other's spouses, have countless mutual friends, and would attend social gatherings quite regularly with those friends. Not a soul ever knew or suspected...we were THAT discreet and careful. He and I could see each other all the time, constantly, because our lives were connected in other ways outside the A that would never raise red flags to anyone. To put it simply: we were hidden in plain sight. Perhaps this is the type of situation you're asking about?

 

You've never come close to a D-Day, but neither had we. Until it happened. You can be the most cautious person in the world, but all it takes is bad timing and the teeniest, tiniest slip. He forgot his phone at home running an errand, his wife happened to look and found incriminating texts (which he usually deletes, but hadn't that day), and our worlds blew up. That's all it takes. We were going on 2.5+ years of smooth sailing before that happened.

 

What makes your A so easy is also what makes it so incredibly dangerous. Since your social lives overlap in so many ways, you have so much more to lose should you ever get caught: friends, family, and a huge disruption to your personal and social lives. I hate to parrot what everyone else says, but it's painfully true—it's more likely than not that you WILL get caught. I'm a living example. Should that day come, you daily lives will change forever in ways they wouldn't have if you'd been affair partners who don't share social circles. It's extremely depressing and lonely when you lose that much more. I hope my experience and perspective helps you in some way.

[Chica80]

Hi Autumn. Your MM is a family friend... so does that mean both of you and your spouses are all friends also? How do you personally feel about that?

 

MM and I are not family friends, but the one way I can parallel my situation to yours is that our social worlds were always very connected and entangled. We both know each other's spouses, have countless mutual friends, and would attend social gatherings quite regularly with those friends. Not a soul ever knew or suspected...we were THAT discreet and careful. He and I could see each other all the time, constantly, because our lives were connected in other ways outside the A that would never raise red flags to anyone. To put it simply: we were hidden in plain sight. Perhaps this is the type of situation you're asking about?

 

You've never come close to a D-Day, but neither had we. Until it happened. You can be the most cautious person in the world, but all it takes is bad timing and the teeniest, tiniest slip. He forgot his phone at home running an errand, his wife happened to look and found incriminating texts (which he usually deletes, but hadn't that day), and our worlds blew up. That's all it takes. We were going on 2.5+ years of smooth sailing before that happened.

 

What makes your A so easy is also what makes it so incredibly dangerous. Since your social lives overlap in so many ways, you have so much more to lose should you ever get caught: friends, family, and a huge disruption to your personal and social lives. I hate to parrot what everyone else says, but it's painfully true—it's more likely than not that you WILL get caught. I'm a living example. Should that day come, you daily lives will change forever in ways they wouldn't have if you'd been affair partners who don't share social circles. It's extremely depressing and lonely when you lose that much more. I hope my experience and perspective helps you in some way.

 

Yes this is somewhat like our situation. We were coworkers/friends. Our department is not big so we often find ourselves in similar social functions. My H knows somewhat I told him myself. (We are separated that's another story). After the A started and I had to see them together I would stay away. Talk to other people, stay on opposite sides of the room etc...My doing not his.

 

Now the last couple times there has been interactions between his spouse and myself. The question I always ask myself is how can she not know. Maybe there is a part. Subconsciously, when I'm around she clings to him. Holds onto him. The scary part for me was in the beginning it felt so icky and wrong to see her. Because she seems really sweet and doesn't deserve it I didn't like that it was getting easier to lie to her to her face. Another reason I want to get out.

 

Now we are in LC, because things were starting to get riskier in a sense. He was getting sloppier. Not as careful. Contrary to what other people might think. I don't want him to leave his marriage for me. Do I want to be with him of course I do. But not like this not in this way. So we are back to LC now texting.

[ZBA]

Yes this is somewhat like our situation. We were coworkers/friends. Our department is not big so we often find ourselves in similar social functions. My H knows somewhat I told him myself. (We are separated that's another story). After the A started and I had to see them together I would stay away. Talk to other people, stay on opposite sides of the room etc...My doing not his.

 

Now the last couple times there has been interactions between his spouse and myself. The question I always ask myself is how can she not know. Maybe there is a part. Subconsciously, when I'm around she clings to him. Holds onto him. The scary part for me was in the beginning it felt so icky and wrong to see her. Because she seems really sweet and doesn't deserve it I didn't like that it was getting easier to lie to her to her face. Another reason I want to get out.

 

Now we are in LC, because things were starting to get riskier in a sense. He was getting sloppier. Not as careful. Contrary to what other people might think. I don't want him to leave his marriage for me. Do I want to be with him of course I do. But not like this not in this way. So we are back to LC now texting.

 

SUNSHINE, I agree about the icky feeling. I knew MM for a considerable period before meeting his wife, so I guess I compartmentalized things that way. But since meeting her, I've seen her many, many times. Never without him though. She and I would interact if was a group setting, but I always kept a strong distance (and I'm sure she sensed that to a degree).

 

Since she found out, I'm ostracized from all those group hangouts. And of course I deserve that. What's worse is she actually knows the absolute bare minimum about what really happened - MM lied to her completely.

 

How has your MM reacted to you initiating LC, btw? How often do you talk, and do you still ever hang out outside of work? Curious how you're feeling with the current state of things.

[Chica80]

SUNSHINE, I agree about the icky feeling.

 

How has your MM reacted to you initiating LC, btw? How often do you talk, and do you still ever hang out outside of work? Curious how you're feeling with the current state of things.

 

Like I said before we've tried NC before it never works only seems to fuel things to such a degree that we end up back to where we started. Last week we had a talk I said no more talking text etc nothing. That lasted less than a day. So for now I think LC works the best. We text throughout the day. Evening or whenever really.

 

We have not seen eachother outside of work, as that seems to get us into trouble.

 

He doesn't want to live a double life. He doesn't want for me to hurt he wants better for me than just to be on the side he says. For now he seems to be staying strong like I said we've been here before, but hoping to actually make changes this time and go forward.

 

Autumn Would you like to talk more about your story?

How do you manage to stay so long and no suspicions? Being as your close.

[Savannah2]

Same situation here. Family friends and we are co workers. Been going on over 4 years. It is very tough makes it even tougher I think when your lives are so intertwined. we had a semi d day at work where our boss called us in and questioned is saying people were talking but no proof just that we are together a lot . We denied everything and it still didn't end after that. I don't think it will ever end until one of us gets another job or we really get caught. It's a huge mess and a ticking time clock but we just can't seem to let it go despite many attempts over 4 years. he won't see me outside work hours so our chances of getting caught are slimmer because he won't risk seeing me any other way. So anyways yes, our situation is very similar. Same circle of friends and co workers. We do everything together. If this were to be exposed it would be devastating and we both know that. At times, the reality of that hits him and he pulls away some but never ends it completely. At first it was nice to be able to do things with him during social activities . Eventually tjoigh after time and my feelings grew for him, I found it more difficult to see him with his wife when we would all go out.

[AutumnMoon]

 

Autumn Would you like to talk more about your story?

How do you manage to stay so long and no suspicions? Being as your close.

 

Close as in BBQ's, beach days, hockey games, dance and school pick ups.. I have their kids a lot. It started out as me and him very close because we share a lot of common interests and go to places alone because of that. We go a lot of places alone and we go a lot of places along with our kids. Both of our spouses work longer hours and in the evening, not that we don't work we just have different schedules and different hobbies, his wife is actually a lot more like my husband but they don't spend time together like me and him.. but nobody has ever acted suspicious that we do, his wife comes along sometimes as lately to concerts with us and my husband joins in lots too. They are always invited.

 

We are the ones to take our kids to their activities so we sit together in the stands we drive together to out-of-town games that kind of thing ....

 

We do not push it and do not make times to meet each other we don't skip other things that we already had planned we don't get crazy like that although we did the first year .

 

If an opportunity arises that we are going to be alone something almost always happens. We can talk daily for weeks at a time and then go all week just saying a couple good mornings.

 

I like to say we are consistently inconsistent. Because we will heat up and be texting back-and-forth all day for a couple weeks at a time and then we always have a couple weeks of like cool down but we always start back up .. Nothing ever really stops and cool down over and over.

 

I'm not going to say neither one of us is ever felt guilty because we've ended at once in large part because of the guilt .. But I really do think we think we bring out the best in one another either one of us wants to take on the other spouse we just want can get me one each other to be happy whether or not we are involved in that happiness . The sex is amazing and I absolutely am in love with him for a lot more than that though. 4 years and counting

[AutumnMoon]

I sounded drunk in my last post.

 

I love the guy.

 

It's risky and I know it, but no matter how many times I tell myself that I've never once wanted to stop ".

[Dancewithme]

With friends like these ...

[Poppy47]

I'm not sure how you can be with your spouses in a happy family group together.

 

It's beyond my imagination. My thought is that you will eventually get caught, then no more happy anything.

 

Poppy.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm aware it sounds crazy. Feels it too at times. It didn't start out the way it is now. Me and him became close and it just kind of grew into what it is now. For the first couple years I didn't see his wife much at all.

[Chica80]

 

If an opportunity arises that we are going to be alone something almost always happens. We can talk daily for weeks at a time and then go all week just saying a couple good mornings.

 

I like to say we are consistently inconsistent. Because we will heat up and be texting back-and-forth all day for a couple weeks at a time and then we always have a couple weeks of like cool down but we always start back up .. Nothing ever really stops and cool down over and over.

 

 

Ya that's us too. Being alone. It's why we are not being alone anymore. The texting too. Some days we can text all day. Or talk for hours. Time always seems to escape us.

 

How have neither of your spouses become suspicious?

[purplesorrow]

Ya that's us too. Being alone. It's why we are not being alone anymore. The texting too. Some days we can text all day. Or talk for hours. Time always seems to escape us.

 

How have neither of your spouses become suspicious?

 

Because their spouses trust them. It's very easy to fool someone you know loves and trusts you.

[Chica80]

Because their spouses trust them. It's very easy to fool someone you know loves and trusts you.

 

No I get that....but it happens it can happen when two people spend lots of time together...

[Sub]

Having the kids a lot is a bit of a line to cross, IMO. I could see the W going particularly apes**t about that variable if she finds out. To the previous post about them trusting you...she trusts the both of you immensely apparently.

[ladydesigner]

Having the kids a lot is a bit of a line to cross, IMO. I could see the W going particularly apes**t about that variable if she finds out. To the previous post about them trusting you...she trusts the both of you immensely apparently.

 

Agreed why involve the kids. I think A's that are with family friends is special kind of but that is my opinion of course.

 

When you read about a double-betrayal it is 100x worse than your standard A.

[13Hearts]

Yeah, sorry, but this thread is disgusting. And the fact that you talk about what you are doing, sharing stories like you're describing a shopping trip to the mall or something, while you lie to someone's face, use your children as pawns in your vile, disgusting charade, deceive people you are supposed to support and love, and pretend that you are the BS's friend, is demented.

 

You people are sick and you make me sick.

[BenchCoach]

^Totally agree.

 

If you read through all her threads, it really is quit a despicable situation.

 

 

OP, you do know that you are actively CUCKOLDING your husband, right?

[Chica80]

Autumn I don't know you I am not in your shoes. You stated that it's been hard for you the guilt the circumstances. Affairs are an ugly thing, painful selfish. But no one can truly know what you are going through.

 

Know that there is no judgement from me. Some of us come here to seek help a way out. Some come to judge and inflict pain for the pain they are feeling...

[Sub]

So, Autumn, what are you looking for, though? You love him and have no plans on stopping the A. If I remember your story, your H spent large chunks of time away for work, correct? Is that still the case?

[Ruffian1]

Autum

 

What did your husband do or not do to make you have an A?

[loveisanaction]

I don’t think it’s about judging anyone but sometimes the hand holding that I see on here almost resembles enabling.

 

There is nothing with wrong with telling somebody that what they are doing is wrong. The fact that people are coming on here and posting shows that somewhere deep in their sub-conscious level they already know that what they are doing is wrong. Granted, it is unacceptable to belittle, degrade, insult or demean a person for the wrong that they are doing but hand holding does not help them understand the gravity of the pain they cause when they are cheating. They may not like to be told what they need to hear but they do need to hear it.

 

There was a time when people cheated when there was something significantly wrong with their marriage or relationship. Women cheated because a spouse or a boyfriend was so abusive towards her (whether physically, emotionally or verbally) that the only reason for her cheating was to understand how it felt to be loved, not because she had poor or weak boundaries but the need to feel loved.. Now, a woman will go out and cheat because her husband is always on the road; not that he abuses her, treats her with disrespect; nope, just that her husband works a lot. Cheating has soared; it is so rampant now that there more people who are cheating than those that aren't. One little problem in the marriage/relationship and..…

 

We have now even started asking people what was missing in the marriages that they cheated. It’s as if we have convinced ourselves that something must have been amiss in the marriage or relationship for a person to go out and cheat. The truth is some people are cheating because they do not want to tell themselves no. It’s as simple as that. I see lots of cheating people trying to put the blame on everything and everybody. On being a narcissist, a conflict avoid-er, sociopath, an immature child, it's their affair partner's fault, sometimes even going as far as blaming their own spouses.

 

There will always be problems in a marriage, no marriage is without them, and no relationship is either. People need to understand this. People also need to learn how to tell themselves NO. It doesn’t matter how good it feels; wrong is wrong.

 

When you tell a cheating person that what they are doing is wrong it’s not judging them, it’s telling them the truth. It’s the truth that will set a person free. People have to learn how to accept full responsibility for what they have done or are doing, fix it and work on never doing it again. Otherwise, what is the point of posting about their situation?

Edited July 9, 2016 by loveisanaction