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Do I break NC?


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Hi everyone,

It's my first time posting here, please could I get some advice?

 

I was involved in quite a LT EA with an attached woman. We met through university studies. Late last year we both applied for an MA course (at the same university, but only as it was nearest; this was not a 'let's apply together' arrangement) and were offered a place. Since then I broke off the EA as what I was doing was wrong, I am hurting deeply but I am also deeply regretful and feel awful about what I have done to the BS. I initiated NC 4 weeks ago and after a rocky few weeks, feel that I am beginning to move on. However, shortly before NC, the AP said that she may not be able to attend the course, which could possibly result in her deferring. If that was the case then I would continue on with NC and complete the degree, however, I do not want to do the course if the AP is on it, that is unfair and would hurt all further. I attended a taster session for the course earlier on this week, primarily lingering outside to see if AP turned up so I could make a quick exit. She did not and I went in to complete the session. I need to know before the course starts though, so I can turn defer my place if she is going to be there. I have no way of finding out if she will be on the course, do I break NC to ask? Ideally I do not want to do this as I do not want to revisit week 1, 2 etc, I want NC to continue as it is so that I can continue the 'moving on' process and so that I do not cause further hurt to anyone. I have no idea what to do though, I do not want to defer only for her to do the same and end up in the same predicament next year, yet I do not want to do the course only for her to be on it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

 

Harpool

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I think you should charge on with your program as selfishly as possible and do not worry about other people or their feelings. Your education is so very important!

 

If you can emotionally handle being around her and not falling back into the old relationship, that is.

 

I don't think it's your responsibility to ensure no one gets hurt anymore, except for YOU.

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FusionCutter
Hi everyone,

It's my first time posting here, please could I get some advice?

 

I was involved in quite a LT EA with an attached woman. We met through university studies. Late last year we both applied for an MA course (at the same university, but only as it was nearest; this was not a 'let's apply together' arrangement) and were offered a place. Since then I broke off the EA as what I was doing was wrong, I am hurting deeply but I am also deeply regretful and feel awful about what I have done to the BS. I initiated NC 4 weeks ago and after a rocky few weeks, feel that I am beginning to move on. However, shortly before NC, the AP said that she may not be able to attend the course, which could possibly result in her deferring. If that was the case then I would continue on with NC and complete the degree, however, I do not want to do the course if the AP is on it, that is unfair and would hurt all further. I attended a taster session for the course earlier on this week, primarily lingering outside to see if AP turned up so I could make a quick exit. She did not and I went in to complete the session. I need to know before the course starts though, so I can turn defer my place if she is going to be there. I have no way of finding out if she will be on the course, do I break NC to ask? Ideally I do not want to do this as I do not want to revisit week 1, 2 etc, I want NC to continue as it is so that I can continue the 'moving on' process and so that I do not cause further hurt to anyone. I have no idea what to do though, I do not want to defer only for her to do the same and end up in the same predicament next year, yet I do not want to do the course only for her to be on it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

 

Harpool

 

I think you answered your own question well. Listen to yourself.

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Thank you. The situation is so difficult because the course is essential for my career choice. It is the next step before going on to a job. I know that I have only got myself to blame for all of this for getting involved in the first place, I really do want to continue with my career path so I would need to complete the course. I just wish I knew for sure if the ExAP would be there this year or next. If this year then I would defer my place for a year and then do the course so as to move on completely and maintain NC. If the ExAP were to not do the course this year then I would take the opportunity and do the course so that I can move on that way and maintain NC. I am still young and through my own doing, feel like I've made a complete mess of everything already through poor choices.

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I think you are a very sensitive and caring young man, who made a mistake. You have your whole life ahead of you and focusing on your studies is the right thing to do.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this, and don't let it stop you from moving forward with your career. It sounds to me like you did some learning with all of this and that's all any of us can hope for.

 

So focus on you. If she happens to end up in your class, simply ignore her and use that energy towards the class. Good luck!

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Thank you for your kind reply Sabella, I really have learnt from this, it is something that I would never repeat and I only wish I knew then what I know now, I would never have fallen into the A.

 

I understand that my actions have caused a lot of hurt and for that I am deeply sorry and regretful, I just don't want to cause further hurt and worry that if I end up on the same course as ExAP then I will be causing her BS hurt, pain and worry. I worry that we will be asked to work together in group tasks or projects and that will break NC, which I don't want to do. I want to completely move on. Yet I need the course for my career choice. I have messed up badly.

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I completely understand that you are trying to be sensitive to the situation and do the right thing. I'd just hate for you to delay your life and career over your mistake.

 

If you really think in the long run it would be better to avoid being in a class with her, then you know best, and breaking NC for the greater good of the situation might be the best course of action. I don't think anyone would yell at ya over doing so :)

 

It seems to me you have much sorted out already, do what makes things easier for you to move forward now. You got this :)

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I only wish I had Sabella. I have also had a temporary job at a place that I love, which if I went on to do the MA I would have have had to leave. A job opportunity came up with today being the last day to apply, I had everything ready to apply to take my gap year and move on, but at the last moment decided that I was still unsure about the MA course and did not put in the application. Now I have returned home I am deeply regretting this, I am upset and feel awful at the thought of doing the course and her being there. I don't want to hurt any more, I don't want to cause anybody any more pain and now I've just thrown away my perfect shot at removing myself from the situation.

I wish I could have put in the application. I now feel that I have not followed my heart. I thought I was over hurt and pain, I thought I had stopped causing others hurt and pain, but here I am, still doing it :(

I just keep thinking why me, why have a ruined my own life so young?

Why have I ruined other lives?

I really hate myself right now, wrong decisions have got me into this mess, now I have made another

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No Har, your life isn't ruined. Take a deep breath. I know you are feeling down and regretful, but don't continue to pile on to that. Start putting some focus and things in order. Start with the most imortant things like your career and your physical well being. Focus there. The pain of the A will crop up from time to time, that's ok, its a process. You just can't lose yourself to that, don't use the A as an excuse to not move forward, no matter how slowly. Move on from where you are now, at this moment. Make a plan.

 

Baby steps Har. But take those steps.

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Thankyou, I am just finding it so hard to come to terms with how I have behaved. I see now that there is ALWAYS consequence to action, no matter how young or immature I was, I should have known that this would impact on my own life, but also the lives of others.

I am just thinking about moving forward, I know it's going to be a difficult process, but I am thinking now that being in some form of contact, even just course related is going to cause nothing but more pain and worry to all involved. I worry that there will come a D Day in their relationship and the fact that I'm on a university course with her would cause the BS incredible pain and worry even if they got through D Day, which I'm sure they would, I now wish them both happiness together, whereas before, I wanted her happiness to come from a relationship with me. I now realise that this is impossible, that she is meant for him. I also worry about the impact on my life. I know that is selfish of me, I know that that is wrong because the whole situation is through nobody's fault but my own. I have two friends on the course, I'm worried about the A becoming public knowledge, I'm worried that I'll lose friendships and that my career would become ruined by knowledge of my past A, that people won't realise it's a past affair and that I'm regretful and have moved on as I still attend the same course. I want to move forward and find myself love and a healthy relationship with a single woman, I don't want this to be damaged by the fact that I still have to see the Ex AP.

Oh I don't know, I'm just so worried about everything. I want to move on and forwards.

I do love the career I'm in, I'm very passionate about it and would love to take the next step, I just kind of feel like I should delay the next step, for everyone involved in my previous A's sake.

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whichwayisup
Thank you for your kind reply Sabella, I really have learnt from this, it is something that I would never repeat and I only wish I knew then what I know now, I would never have fallen into the A.

 

I understand that my actions have caused a lot of hurt and for that I am deeply sorry and regretful, I just don't want to cause further hurt and worry that if I end up on the same course as ExAP then I will be causing her BS hurt, pain and worry. I worry that we will be asked to work together in group tasks or projects and that will break NC, which I don't want to do. I want to completely move on. Yet I need the course for my career choice. I have messed up badly.

 

If that happens, chances are she will be the one who will have to change classes, as per request from her husband. You messed up, but she messed up even more. you seem to bare most of the responsibility and that's not fair. she isn't a sitting innocent duck, she did this to her husband as well, she's the one who said vows to him so it's great that you feel responsible but she has to own her part in it too, big time.

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I know that the ExAP is partly to blame too. The thing is, although I fully recognise that the A was wrong, that it could not have ended happily ever after as I wanted it to and that I have to try my best to move on and put my part in it behind me; my feelings toward her will always be of love and fondness. She holds a special place in my heart, possibly because I see her as my first love (I was very inexperienced in terms of relationships and feelings before I met her) and although I see that becoming involved with her was a mistake and am regretful of what happened and the amount of hurt that I have caused, I cannot change the fact that she will always hold a piece of me.

I worry that being around her will not only cause hurt and damage to others, but also to me. Being involved in the situation was extremely hard on times, I became a person I never want to be again, filled with hurt and jealousy and anger towards life, for not allowing me to be with her. I worry I will return to that state if we are on the same course. I will be unable to move forward as the feelings that I still have for her that I cannot act on any longer will continue to grow, affecting both my physical and emotional health as well as hers.

I just want to take control of my feelings, if she returns to my life in the future, as a single woman then that's when I could feel comfortable around her. If not, then that piece of my heart that holds feeling for her will always remain but I will know that it was never meant to be. I wish her happiness in her life, I wish myself happiness and I wish the BS happiness, if their happiness is together then I am happy for them.

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