Marrying affair partner from male perspective

[calmb4thestorm]

Have any men gone down this route? How great or how complicated has your life become? I am very interested in knowing, because I'm still weighing my options.

 

How do you deal with the guilt if you're leaving a betrayed spouse to do this?

 

How do you deal with the guilt of facing your children with this decision?

 

I also am okay with female perspectives too though.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[not-so-sure]

Have any men gone down this route? How great or how complicated has your life become? I am very interested in knowing, because I'm still weighing my options.

 

How do you deal with the guilt if you're leaving a betrayed spouse to do this?

 

How do you deal with the guilt of facing your children with this decision?

 

I also am okay with female perspectives too though.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

What are you looking for? Have you weighed things up the right way?

 

I had thought about it numerous times but in the end a number of things really worked against it.

 

1. AP and me didn't get together under the most auspicious of circumstances. I think I would also have developed trust issues.

 

2. The life in front of me had I chosen it still would have had kids, and what would have been my now ex-wife. These were not features in the relationship i had with my affair partner.

 

3. I still love my wife. Perverse as it is to know this, I wake up every day hopeful that today will be better. Most days they are.

 

4. I am the child of affair/divorce and I can see my own behaviours as being modelled on my parents. My wife and I get on well enough even though I tore a hole right my marriage. I am prepared to work through this to give my children a chance to break the cycle. We don't have any outward animosity and i occasionally ask my children about how they perceive things. They say everything is fine.

 

5. Having said that the exAP is someone I also love deeply but have NC with and there are good days and bad days for me. Affairs are something you survive. I doubt I'll fully recover but that's my cross to bear.

 

In the end, do what you think is right for you. If you do leave, don't be surprised if it's not how you expected it to be.

[jenkins95]

I just wanted to add weight to nss's post by saying that I agree completely. nss and I seem to be very similar people who have found ourselves in a very similar situation.

 

I too decided to stay in my marriage. I felt lost without OW for a few months, but the fog eventually lifted and I'm now so glad that I was strong and followed my head and what wise posters on here were telling me.

 

I was very lucky to have been given a second chance. Your wife wants to make the marriage work too. Recognise that this is very big of her and shows how much she loves you. Think very hard before throwing that away.

 

 

What are you looking for? Have you weighed things up the right way?

 

I had thought about it numerous times but in the end a number of things really worked against it.

 

1. AP and me didn't get together under the most auspicious of circumstances. I think I would also have developed trust issues.

 

2. The life in front of me had I chosen it still would have had kids, and what would have been my now ex-wife. These were not features in the relationship i had with my affair partner.

 

3. I still love my wife. Perverse as it is to know this, I wake up every day hopeful that today will be better. Most days they are.

 

4. I am the child of affair/divorce and I can see my own behaviours as being modelled on my parents. My wife and I get on well enough even though I tore a hole right my marriage. I am prepared to work through this to give my children a chance to break the cycle. We don't have any outward animosity and i occasionally ask my children about how they perceive things. They say everything is fine.

 

5. Having said that the exAP is someone I also love deeply but have NC with and there are good days and bad days for me. Affairs are something you survive. I doubt I'll fully recover but that's my cross to bear.

 

In the end, do what you think is right for you. If you do leave, don't be surprised if it's not how you expected it to be.

[oceansaway]

From a women's perspective you have to weigh the trust issues. Being a former OW....I know that if I was ever with mm...I could never trust him. Seeing first hand the lying and deception he did to his wife....I wouldn't want done to me. Nor would I want to have to worry day in and day out if he was cheating. It would ALWAYS be a issue

[Poppy47]

From a women's perspective you have to weigh the trust issues. Being a former OW....I know that if I was ever with mm...I could never trust him. Seeing first hand the lying and deception he did to his wife....I wouldn't want done to me. Nor would I want to have to worry day in and day out if he was cheating. It would ALWAYS be a issue

 

I agree with Oceans. I am a former OW.

 

One of the reasons I ended the affair was lack of trust. I began to see every single thing he did as a lie, whether it was to me or to her.

 

I wonder what it was in the beginning that led me to trust him. Hormones and emotions perhaps?

 

Poppy.

[Moxie Lady]

Have any men gone down this route? How great or how complicated has your life become? I am very interested in knowing, because I'm still weighing my options.

 

Sorry but you make it sound as if your wife and affair partner are just dumb and mindless without any opinions of their own and you are the only one who gets to make decisions.

 

Maybe the OW wont want you. Maybe if you told your wife you are cheating on her a second time while supposedly in "reconciliation" she might make the decision easy for you and throw you out. Its easy to be able to have "all your options" to weigh when you dont have the courage to own up to your own selfish behavior that takes away the choices of others.

[WakingUp]

Sorry but you make it sound as if your wife and affair partner are just dumb and mindless without any opinions of their own and you are the only one who gets to make decisions.

 

Maybe the OW wont want you. Maybe if you told your wife you are cheating on her a second time while supposedly in "reconciliation" she might make the decision easy for you and throw you out. Its easy to be able to have "all your options" to weigh when you dont have the courage to own up to your own selfish behavior that takes away the choices of others.

 

Totally agree with this. Thank you Moxie, you said it all.

 

Impossible for anyone else to make rational decisions when they dont have the truth.

[cocorico]

Have any men gone down this route? How great or how complicated has your life become? I am very interested in knowing, because I'm still weighing my options.

 

How do you deal with the guilt if you're leaving a betrayed spouse to do this?

 

How do you deal with the guilt of facing your children with this decision?

 

I also am okay with female perspectives too though.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

My H (fMM) left the xBW and we married (I was fOW).

 

I could give you a string of platitudes about how great his life is now - and they'd be true, he'd agree - but I don't think that is the point. It is not a choice between two women. It is a choice between two versions of yourself.

 

You need to choose whichever path will allow you to live the most authentic version of yourself. That's not as simple as flipping a coin or doing a cost-benefit analysis for staying / leaving. You need protracted introspection, and good counselling if you can afford it, to discover not only what you want in life but who you want to be. Then, if one of those women is facilitating that, ask her if she'll join you on that journey to where you want to be - and she may or may not, depending on her own path. If neither woman is facilitating that, walk away from both.

 

Whichever path you commit to, make it the right one.

[salparadise]

From a women's perspective you have to weigh the trust issues. Being a former OW....I know that if I was ever with mm...I could never trust him. Seeing first hand the lying and deception he did to his wife....I wouldn't want done to me. Nor would I want to have to worry day in and day out if he was cheating. It would ALWAYS be a issue

 

Same from the male perspective... how are you ever going to trust her. She has demonstrated her ability to lie, deceive and apparently needs a backdoor guy for variety or whatever. You'd never be able to think of her (or yourself) as a person of the highest integrity, and every time you leave the house to go to work you'll wonder what she's up to.

 

And it's a hell of a lot easier for her than it would be for you, if she's so inclined.

[Poppy47]

Both might reject... then what?

 

Poppy.

[cocorico]

Same from the male perspective... how are you ever going to trust her. She has demonstrated her ability to lie, deceive and apparently needs a backdoor guy for variety or whatever. You'd never be able to think of her (or yourself) as a person of the highest integrity, and every time you leave the house to go to work you'll wonder what she's up to.

 

And it's a hell of a lot easier for her than it would be for you, if she's so inclined.

 

Really? In that case, you're doomed never to have another relationship.

 

Or, you can go to,counselling, do the work, and move on. My H did. We have no trust issues, and regard our beginnings as an A not as a source of shame but a source of learning.

[Scarlett94]

Really? In that case, you're doomed never to have another relationship.

 

Or, you can go to,counselling, do the work, and move on. My H did. We have no trust issues, and regard our beginnings as an A not as a source of shame but a source of learning.

 

There is a big difference between a new relationship and starting a relationship with a proven cheater.

 

Calm what you are doing to your wife is grossly unfair! You need to tell her the truth! She is trying to reconcile with a man who is still cheating on her. Be honest, she does not deserve this.

[privategal]

There is a big difference between a new relationship and starting a relationship with a proven cheater.

 

Calm what you are doing to your wife is grossly unfair! You need to tell her the truth! She is trying to reconcile with a man who is still cheating on her. Be honest, she does not deserve this.

 

I think in this case op is being as upfront with us as he can and hes trying to choose a side.

He knows he is in false reconciling, knows he is hurting 2 women, has been upfront about his pain if the betrayal and honest he is still struggling.

Op, what if you at least told your W you are still struggling.

Its not a full on admission yet so that you are blowing everything up, but a heads up you arent out of the woods.

Right now you do need to choose a side.

Its hard to be honest here but I feel you have and my hope for you is you dont linger in this ambivalence much longer and have another dday and hurt everyone.

At the end of the day if divorce is truly best, do it with out AP involvement, do it with the intention of living your best life and allowing your wife to do the same.

No matter which path its going to be hard and come with some hurt.

This is why you need to have a professional sort it out with you if you can.

Coming from 2 divorces in my childhood I survived both and came through fine as a child.

Went through my own divorce and exh and myself healed fine too.

Divorce isnt the real pain, ambivalence is.

[Got it]

There is a big difference between a new relationship and starting a relationship with a proven cheater.

 

Calm what you are doing to your wife is grossly unfair! You need to tell her the truth! She is trying to reconcile with a man who is still cheating on her. Be honest, she does not deserve this.

 

That is what my husband and I both did. We were "proven" cheaters and are happily (though strained a bit with a young baby and sleep deprivation) married for a few years now.

 

OP - there are no perfect answers. My husband would tell you he was done with his marriage before the affair started and was waiting for the kids to grow up. The timeline got moved up when I came into the picture. I don't think he ever really questioned what he wanted, it was about how to logistically make it happen.

 

The same for me as well, I was done with my marriage and I left a couple weeks after the affair started as I was already working on divorcing.

 

It comes down to where you are with your marriage and yourself. Have you exhausted every avenue with it? Do you have any feelings left towards your wife? I would highly recommend therapy to help you figure out what you want to do.

 

It isn't easy course by any means but it isn't all doom and gloom. Even with a dday in our history things are pretty great now for everyone. My ex husband is happily married with kids and we all hang out together, my husband's ex is doing well and and she has been great to talk to at different functions, has enjoyed meeting and getting to know our daughter, her kids' half sister, and we all have moved on. It was bumpy for a while and there are still things to navigate but all in all it's pretty great.

 

Your decision shouldn't be about either one of them, it should be about what you think is right for you regardless if your AP is in the picture or not. Get therapy and figure out the best course of action. I will advise, if you have any feelings at all towards your wife you really should focus there and see if there is anything that can be done to salvage it. You won't regret the efforts.

[Sub]

I think you need to take it one step at a time. You had a 4-month long A, you're in false R, but you're already considering marriage to your AP. Maybe you should put the M word to the side until you're on solid ground individually.

[amomwhoknows]

I think you need to take it one step at a time. You had a 4-month long A, you're in false R, but you're already considering marriage to your AP. Maybe you should put the M word to the side until you're on solid ground individually.

 

This is the best advice. X1000

 

Realistically, second marriages fail at an astonishing high rate. And marriages that start with your circumstances fail at even a higher rate.

 

If this woman wasn't in the picture, would you be considering leaving? I think, from all your posts, the answer is NO. And that is a huge problem. She admits that her marriage was over before you came into the picture. I don't think you can say the same.

 

You need to get into counseling but you also need to cut contact with the other woman. You aren't able to think clearly and you may regret ANY decisions you make in this state.

 

Finally, in my ample life experience, the stories shared by a few women here are the exception not the rule on what happens when two people divorce for each other. Most don't end up in marriage or even longish relationships. There is lots of collateral damage that could have been avoided if the spouse had simply behaved as a grown up during the marriage.

 

My idiot brother, who is no longer living in my basement, was crushed when his kids spent Fathers Day with their mom and her new boyfriend at the lake. The lake was likely the appeal but they have tremendous disappointment in their father. And like you, he will say that he had a "good" marriage. I think he is deeply saddened by what he lost.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Have any men gone down this route? How great or how complicated has your life become? I am very interested in knowing, because I'm still weighing my options.

 

How do you deal with the guilt if you're leaving a betrayed spouse to do this?

 

How do you deal with the guilt of facing your children with this decision?

 

I also am okay with female perspectives too though.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

Do you really think that you are marriage-worthy at this point?! I suggest you become single and then figure out how you got to this place.

[NTV]

If you could continue to lie to and hurt someone in as much pain as you've put her in, then how can you really say you love her? That doesn't make sense. Not only do your actions to have the affair in the first place show a lack of love, but to keep in ONGOING after seeing her pain, shows a complete lack of a normal level of human empathy.

 

 

I'll give you an example: If you saw someone eating a chocolate ice cream cone and on the inside of that ice cream was poop, would you tell them or just watch them eat it?

 

 

Because right now, you are watching your wife who, oblivious to your intentions, is eating that poop. In fact, you are handing her that ice cream cone.

 

 

Is this who you really are? Is it who you want to be?

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I recognize you're in a difficult spot. Made even more difficult by the fact that you put yourself there. I get it. It's not easy. It's tough to face what you've done and are doing and not go down the downward spiral into self-deprecation. But despite the best intentions, efforts, and words of me or any of these other posters, we cannot pull you out of that spiral. You have to do that yourself or pay the consequences.

[elaine567]

How many people on the dating forum of LS would suggest that anyone consider marriage to someone they had been seeing for 4 months. 4 months??? and that is 4 months of proper dating - not the odd stolen moment when your wife wasn't looking.

Are you out of your mind?

 

Most would say that everyone is on their best behaviour for 6-18 months and then they start showing their true self. You haven't even got that far yet.

I know you do not want to jump out of your marriage without having something soft to land on, but you need to take a big sniff of reality here.

After a year, and when the "honeymoon period" wears off, you may actually hate this woman.

If your marriage is truly in a mess then a divorce may be necessary but do not leave your marriage and kids for someone you have only know for 4 months.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Have any men gone down this route? How great or how complicated has your life become? I am very interested in knowing, because I'm still weighing my options.

 

How do you deal with the guilt if you're leaving a betrayed spouse to do this?

 

How do you deal with the guilt of facing your children with this decision?

 

I also am okay with female perspectives too though.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

You can't leave your wife for the other woman. You have to leave because you are not happy in your marriage. Otherwise what happens is you will ping pong between both as you will require complete security from OW. She will be overwhelmed if you leave - while I'm sure she will be happy, it will still be a shock and you will read that as doubt on her part. That will make you question yourself. I lived this as the OW so I know how bad it can get. In the end, the guy just went back where he is today. I do not speak to him, this was long ago, but he had multiple affairs before, and I'm sure he still does. You don't want that for you.

 

I've seen you on the other board so I know your story. Ideally, you would separate from your wife and get your own place for a while, not even tell OW, see how it is without your wife or OW. You need to find yourself here, not pick between two women.

[Liam1]

Really? In that case, you're doomed never to have another relationship.

 

Or, you can go to,counselling, do the work, and move on. My H did. We have no trust issues, and regard our beginnings as an A not as a source of shame but a source of learning.

 

I agree with this calm:

 

The only thing you need to verify, Calm, is whom you really love.

 

Affairs can be very misleading. You may barely know this woman.

 

If you do know her and you love her, you have to decide whom you love. It's not possible to love both in the same way.

 

Also you need to separate out the sexual satisfaction from general life satisfaction.

 

Which lady makes your life better in a holistic sense, not just a sexual sense.

 

With that said, if your wife is calling you a CHEATER rather than a wayward spouse, that is very disrespectful and shows she really is not working on a reconciliation.

 

Perhaps that is the reason you relapsed and contacted the OW. Perhaps your wife is beating you over the head with the affair to give herself false moral high ground.

 

When a spouse is referring to their wayward spouse as a cheater, even if only behind his/her back, it is a strong clue that the reconciliation is false and will fail.

 

If your wife is truly working on reconciliation, she will not be calling you disparaging names and she will be willing to accept responsibility for her own faults in the marriage.

 

So it's important to pay attention to how the reconciliation is going.

 

Also Midknightblue makes some excellent points worthy of consideration.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Liam1

[heartwhole]

My husband's affair was 5 months, so about the same time as yours. Granted, it was long-distance and they only met in person for two days. But that said, I give my husband credit that he immediately said, "I can't believe I'm doing this. I don't even know her that well" on DD. He said some other bone-headed things, but at least he had clarity on that point.

 

I do think that you haven't given NC a real chance. Of course at a few months into a relationship, the love hormones are strong. You should do some reading on oxytocin and the process of mating.

[calmb4thestorm]

I agree with this calm:

 

The only thing you need to verify, Calm, is whom you really love.

 

Affairs can be very misleading. You may barely know this woman.

 

If you do know her and you love her, you have to decide whom you love. It's not possible to love both in the same way.

 

Also you need to separate out the sexual satisfaction from general life satisfaction.

 

Which lady makes your life better in a holistic sense, not just a sexual sense.

 

With that said, if your wife is calling you a CHEATER rather than a wayward spouse, that is very disrespectful and shows she really is not working on a reconciliation.

 

Perhaps that is the reason you relapsed and contacted the OW. Perhaps your wife is beating you over the head with the affair to give herself false moral high ground.

 

When a spouse is referring to their wayward spouse as a cheater, even if only behind his/her back, it is a strong clue that the reconciliation is false and will fail.

 

If your wife is truly working on reconciliation, she will not be calling you disparaging names and she will be willing to accept responsibility for her own faults in the marriage.

 

So it's important to pay attention to how the reconciliation is going.

 

Also Midknightblue makes some excellent points worthy of consideration.

 

That is interesting about holisitic and sexual satisfaction. I do derive greater sexual satisfaction from AP and not because it's new. Pretty sure I'd enjoy it more even after 2 or 3 years if we were exclusive. But I don't know that I'd have more holisitic satsifaction.

 

I can't answer why I've done a fake reconciliation, because my wife has truly made steps to better our marriage since D-day and I haven't. I'm an a-hole is the only plausable answer I can come up with. That, or because I haven't gone NC (because co-worker) that I still haven't given my wife the time of day. I've been intimate with AP since D-day, but my wife IS trying. I'm not. Do I not love her? Or can I not escape the affair fog? Maybe I have to quit work. I definitely haven't tried to save my marriage.

[Sub]

But why are you considering marriage to your AP at this point?

[ladydesigner]

My parents were AP's that married. Both of them had spouses they left immediately within months of meeting each other. My mom has since had 3 more A's on my dad. There are no guarantees in any M or relationship... Period!