Trying to move on

[Maribel]

Hi. This is my first time posting, so please forgive me if I misuse any acronyms.

 

I've been involved in an affair for about three years now, EA for a good six months before the physical stuff began. We are both married, with families. I don't think that NC is possible because we work together, although I do continue to look for a new place of work on a regular basis.

 

What I am trying to figure out is what kind of person I got involved with and if his behavior sounds typical in this situation. I'm referring to the MOM.

 

Basically what happened is the relationship was amazing at the beginning, we were "in love" with no plans to leave our families. I knew it was going nowhere fast. Every time we were intimate there would be a period of time where I would not hear from the guy. I would not know what was going on - it's like he would disappear. I would get angry, send a bunch of text messages and break up with him. Then he would make up some excuse, like that he was busy or his phone had been off, and we would be on again, continuing the cycle that was making me crazy.

 

Over time, the communication got worse. I was so stressed out that I lost a lot of weight and had a great deal of anxiety. I went to counseling (did not help), but never had anyone to really talk to. About six months ago the MOM told me I was his addiction. Not a good sign. We were only intimate one time after that. He had reached out to me at a really rough point in my life (a family member was dying). I thought I would see him again, but here we are almost three months later and he has not texted me once! He will reply to me finally, and basically said he still feels the same and he has "been busy." When I see him face to face he shies away, sometimes says hi. But I never have a chance to corner him, and honestly I'm tired of chasing this guy to get answers.

 

What I want to figure out is what type of person does this to another human being? I want to believe that he feels bad and wants out, but he always comes back to me. I can't get the answers to my questions and I think that is what is most painful and bothersome. I'm not jealous of anyone, I don't want revenge. I just need some insight. This man has been married three times now and he's in his early thirties. He has been cheating with me since he married number three.

 

Has anyone experienced something similar?

Edited June 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
op request ~T

[malvern99]

How real do you want the answers to your questions to be Maribel? Do they even really matter in the larger context?

 

Sometimes I know people can be too close to a situation to get an overall picture of what is going on, but I am sure if you tried to read your own story from someone else's perspective you would immediately come to the same conclusion. From what you are saying, this MM is only interested in sex. As long as it's available, he'll hang around. Once you cut him off, he won't bother you again.

 

If you don't mind me asking, is this an exit affair for your marriage?

[Lostgirl186]

I do not have much in the way of advice, however, just wanted to show my support. My AP seems to follow the same cycle, being cold and distant after intimacy or an "encounter." We have never future faked and both have been adamant it is purely physical (however as it usually happens, I have developed feelings) the only two conclusions I can draw are: 1.) as stated above, we are here when they want sex ( although in my case, the inappropriate relationship is in year two, but the actually sex only started at the beginning of this year, and it's only been three times, but there is phone sex, etc in between) or 2.) maybe he's developed feelings or Afraid he is going to after an encounter, and the fear paired with the guilt makes him pull away. I have reached a point that I know I need to either get out, or try to get some distance. This on again off again is killing me. Best of luck,

[Maggie888]

Heres my theory. These men know they are awful humans and rotten inside. They have deep self loathing though it may be subconscious. So when you sleep with them, they lose all respect for you. Their thought process is: "Wow she is sleeping with me -- a lying, cheating, emotional vapid, selfish manchild. She must be not mucb of a person to find me attractive". So they pull away. Until they get an itch for some drame or sex or attention or whatever. Then they are back. You accept them again, after they have treated you even worse, so their diseespect for you grows.

 

Thats just a theory. Not a statement of you as a person or your value but rather just what these sick MM feel.

 

Hope you can find another job fast.

[Maribel]

Thank you for replying.

 

It's definitely not an exit affair. It all began a few years ago when my marriage was at a low point, but I did not want to leave because of my child and some other issues, such as status at work. Staying was better than getting out of the marriage, though I do see now that I chose an awful path with this other man. There was no affection, no attention from my husband. At the time I was not even attracted to the future AP. I texted him one night when I was lonely because he had been pursuing me for nearly a year. And here I am, two years later, trying to shake these feelings for him. My marriage is actually really strong and has been for some time now. I don't know what my husband was going through so long ago, but sometimes I think maybe he was getting over someone else. I see similarities in both of our behaviors over the past couple of years.

 

I think I need closure, but I don't know how to get that from someone who is always there, or continues to reach out. When we talk face to face it turns into physical contact then I start the process of trying to figure it all out again.

[BuddyX]

Couple quotes I live by; "I don't chase my shots, and I don't chase my women".

 

You're a married woman. Do not chase him. Who gives a rip what he does. You've got a family at home. Focus on that.

 

As far as closure;

"Closure" is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for being foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see again is yourself. Before you got all weak. So look at yourself in the mirror and say: "You know what, I ****ed up" that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're in hell."

[Maribel]

Thank you for replying. This sounds odd, but it is nice to hear that someone else has experienced similar problems, although I wish none of us had to deal with this.

 

I often wonder about the feelings he has for me. He used to tell me that he loved me, that he felt close to me, and on and on. I was the one who told him to stop with that, but now I miss it and I have no idea how he feels. When I ask all he says is that how he felt never changed and he never lied about any of it. I actually believe him, and this does not help me get over anything.

One thing I know is he is terribly afraid of messing up the lives of his children. Funny he never mentions his wife. I met her once accidentally, and ended up having a panic attack in the closest bathroom I could find. I felt so bad!

 

I think what really gets to me is not being able to tell anyone what a game player he is. Nobody will ever know what he does to women because we are in a position where we can't tell. I do believe there's more than one woman at work who has been in a relationship with this guy. Anyway, I could go on and on. But ultimately it's like you stated, the on and off is terrible. I know there is no future in this whatever it is (definitely not a relationship). I wish I could figure this guy out.

 

Best of luck to you. I'm here to read and try to help! This has actually been more helpful than the counselors I went to last fall.

[Maribel]

Couple quotes I live by; "I don't chase my shots, and I don't chase my women".

 

You're a married woman. Do not chase him. Who gives a rip what he does. You've got a family at home. Focus on that.

 

As far as closure;

"Closure" is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for being foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see again is yourself. Before you got all weak. So look at yourself in the mirror and say: "You know what, I ****ed up" that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're in hell."

That is so what I needed to read! Thanks a million.

This guy has referred to himself as an angel, but then I hear his ex call him Satan. Yep- I went to hell and back. I know I chose it and ****ed up time and again.

[Poppy47]

Couple quotes I live by; "I don't chase my shots, and I don't chase my women".

 

You're a married woman. Do not chase him. Who gives a rip what he does. You've got a family at home. Focus on that.

 

As far as closure;

"Closure" is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for being foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see again is yourself. Before you got all weak. So look at yourself in the mirror and say: "You know what, I ****ed up" that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're in hell."

Every once in a while somebody posts a lot of common sense. This is a great post. We should all read and take note.

One will never have closure from an affair.

Yes I got all weak for a really long time. I am getting strong now.

That's what we need to tell ourselves.

Poppy.

[oceansaway]

Please remember with seeking closure you most likely won't get the truth. Most lie about everything therefore could you really believe what he has to say. Just try to move on

[Steen719]

What I want to figure out is what type of person does this to another human being?

 

Your answer is in what you wrote:

 

This man has been married three times now and he's in his early thirties. He has been cheating with me since he married number three.

 

Not trying to be critical, but the above is pretty obvious from the outside looking in.

[Satu]

snip

What I want to figure out is *what type of person does this to another human being? I want to believe that he feels bad and wants out, but he always comes back to me. I can't get the answers to my questions and I think that is what is most painful and bothersome. I'm not jealous of anyone, I don't want revenge. I just need some insight. This man has been married three times now and he's in his early thirties. He has been cheating with me since he married number three.

 

Has anyone experienced something similar?

 

*What about you?

 

What type of person does what you've done?

[Maribel]

Your answer is in what you wrote:

 

 

 

Not trying to be critical, but the above is pretty obvious from the outside looking in.

 

I agree. As soon as I wrote it out I realized how ridiculous I sounded. He did try to justify and explain each marriage and it made sense at the time, but oh my goodness I should have seen the clues from the start!

[Satu]

You don't want to answer my question?

[Maribel]

snip

 

 

*What about you?

 

What type of person does what you've done?

 

I know that sounded so hypocritical of me! What I was getting at is the MM cuts me off time and again, and this last incident together was at a low point in my life. He reached out to me and I fell for it, and then he cut me off again. I really do not understand him - have never met anyone like him in my entire life. I suppose I need to stop trying to analyze MM.

 

I'm not sure what type of person I am anymore ~ I lost myself somewhere along the way.

[Maribel]

I think I did answer it. :-)

[Satu]

I know that sounded so hypocritical of me! What I was getting at is the MM cuts me off time and again, and this last incident together was at a low point in my life. He reached out to me and I fell for it, and then he cut me off again. I really do not understand him - have never met anyone like him in my entire life. I suppose I need to stop trying to analyze MM.

 

I'm not sure what type of person I am anymore ~ I lost myself somewhere along the way.

 

I don't think you're hypocritical.

 

I was just trying to nudge you into some self-reflection.

 

We've often heard that, "The truth will set you free," but the truth that sets us free is the truth about ourselves, rather than the truth about somebody else.

 

Self-awareness trumps everything else.

 

As Carl Jung said:

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

 

Take care.

[Maribel]

My AP actually admits to being flawed and weird. He has told me before that he has a strange personality and I deserve better. So. Many. Signs. How the heck did I get wrapped up in this?!

[Lobe]

My AP actually admits to being flawed and weird. He has told me before that he has a strange personality and I deserve better. So. Many. Signs. How the heck did I get wrapped up in this?!

 

Because you allowed yourself to believe your affair was different. You got manipulated because you wanted to believe. You were had. Duped. Conned.

 

Don't spend too long beating yourself up - you've lost enough of yourself to this situation already.

 

((((Maribel))))

[Maribel]

Something I have not been able to bring myself to do is cut off communication with this guy. I want to send one last text message telling him it's over. I want him to know that I'm fully aware that he was playing mind games this whole time. What usually happens though is I end up apologizing for overreacting and then we "work it out." Any advice?

 

Should I wait on this until I'm more sure of exactly what I want to say to him?

[Lobe]

Something I have not been able to bring myself to do is cut off communication with this guy. I want to send one last text message telling him it's over. I want him to know that I'm fully aware that he was playing mind games this whole time. What usually happens though is I end up apologizing for overreacting and then we "work it out." Any advice?

 

Should I wait on this until I'm more sure of exactly what I want to say to him?

 

I vote ghosting. No need to wax poetic one last time about what an ass he is - it only feeds his ego that he had this effect on you. Ghost him. Block him, go full metal NC. If you work with him and can't quit, be as detached and impersonal as you can possibly muster. Ignore him, in every way possible. Let him know that he is SO not worth your time.

[DKT3]

This last reach out is simply another shot at seeing if the situation will change. Your not really ready to end it so you probably won't.

 

There in lays the answer to your question, simply he treats you this way because you allow it. You put on blinders, ran through all the red lights and stop signs ending up in i just fkedupmylifeville.

[Satu]

Something I have not been able to bring myself to do is cut off communication with this guy. I want to send one last text message telling him it's over. I want him to know that I'm fully aware that he was playing *mind games this whole time. What usually happens though is I end up apologizing for overreacting and then we "work it out." Any advice?

 

Should I wait on this until I'm more sure of exactly what I want to say to him?

 

If you still want to communicate, you're still in the game.

 

So you're not ready to end it yet.

 

That's OK.

 

You get what you choose.

[Bufo]

At the risk of being banned for repetition, consider these two things I have posted on this site in other threads.

 

1. The person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power in the relationship.

 

Right now that person isn't you. And he knows it. You are effectively in storage in the event he needs an OW again.

 

2. He is doing this because of an immutable truth that all predatory MM know.

It is far easier to keep on A going than it is to locate, groom and seduce a new OW...that's why he is responding to you. Every time you send him a message of any sort, he reads it as: "She's still thinking of me and will take me back".

 

Sorry, frequent readers for the boring repetition, but I thought she needed a little enlightenment here.

[AlexisRose]

He's a user.

And you are better than that. You know you are.

 

One of the worst things is having no one to confide in coz it's all one big secret. Hopefully the support on here will help you see the light and move onwards and upwards..