Waiting almost 1 years for a married man to leave his wife - HELP

[Marie1973]

Hello All

 

Ok i am 32 years old I have been dating this older married man, 53 for 2 1/2 years now.

I didn't expect to ever fall in love with him, but i did. I usually wouldn't do this, but i found

myself right smack in the middle of this.

 

He 'says' he is an unhappy marriage & will leave.

Well he was supposed to leave last June of 2004. I've been waiting for 10 months now.

 

We just recently got an apartment. Then the excuse was that we need furniture.

Well the furniture got there last Friday. I am to the point where i can't take this anymore.

 

The love that we share, is like no love I ever felt in my life. In the beginning i was cautious

due to the married part & him being 20 years older, but that faded.

 

I am totally in love with this man, but i'm starting to think that he'll never leave his wife.

 

What do i do? I can't picture my life without him in it.

The worst part is that he is the Vice President of the company i work for.

 

Will he ever leave?? & if not why when we could have a great life together???

[HokeyReligions]

Have you gone in and read the other threads in the OW/OM forum? You'll find lots of opinions and suggestions that will relate directly to what you described.

 

My opinion: No, he won't leave. Why would he? He has what he wants. He's been lying to you about his marriage all along. In spite of the many "love is all you need" songs and movies, it just ain't so! Love is great, but there are a lot more components to a relationship.

 

My advice is to leave him. Break it off. Don't see him anymore. No contact. Get your own place and get rid of everything that might tie you together (furniture, lease, etc.)

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Will he ever leave?? &

2. if not why when we could have a great life together???

 

1. Probably not. As long as you continue to see him while he's married then its pretty much an unspoken agreement on your part to continue just being his OW. Otherwise, you wouldn't be with him. What would be his motivation for leaving if you haven't given him one? Just being there for him isn't going to make him want to leave his wife. If that were the case, he would have left her already.

 

2. Because your idea of a great life and his are not the same. I expect his idea of a great life is having a great position in his job, a W with whom he is secure, and an OW to takes up where the W leaves off. He needs you both for different reasons. He already has a W, so he doesn't need for you to be a W - he just needs you to function as an OW.

 

How do you make changes? You have the power to make the changes. You just don't have the power to control the outcome. That's the tricky part. If you want to force a change, you'll have to accept that the change may not go your way - since he pretty much has you where he wants you, and should things go wrong: you'll be the one losing pretty much everything.

 

How willing are you to risk everything you have to get what you want?

 

Of course, you could always just wait it out. I guess you have to decide what its worth to you to spend months/years waiting for something that might not happen.

[whichwayisup]

He's being unfair to you and unfair to his wife as well. He is having his cake and eating it too!

 

I don't doubt he loves you, but he also loves his wife. If he didn't he would have left already.

 

Right now he is leading a double life and that is not right! You are going to be hurt deeply by this man. You are already and it will only get worse.

 

You need to basically tell him s*** or get off the pot! Leave her or I'm gone!

 

I'm sure will it be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life...Find a really good therapist who can help you cope through it all and allow your friends/family to help as well.

 

It's up to you, your life obviously, just know that you probably will be in the exact same spot a year from now and you need to ask yourself is he worth it?

 

You are still young enough to find someone who is single and will love just you, not somebody who is married already. You aren't first in his life!! You need someone who will put you first and you have them to yourself.

 

Don't know what stage you are at - If you want to end it or continue to see what happens.

 

I agree with Hokey, go read about this forum and see how this goes. Alot of heartache, alot of pain and suffering.

[joodee]

Leave while you can, it's terrible to be in a waiting position, and to listen to excuses, I know.

 

I waited for a year and a half for action, action promised back in August...and now I finally broke it off. One of my MM's last spoken words to me was "You knew I was legally married all along." My MM won't divorce her, he is just full of sh&^.

 

He knows exactly what he's doing. Get your dignity back and get your own apartment, and cut him off. Your actions will speak for themselves.

 

Good luck.

[Merin]

If you can't picture your life without this Man in it... how about picturing your life with him in it being married to someone who isn't you.. and listening to him give you a million other excuses about why he can't do whats right for anyone but him...

[lynnered]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

1. Probably not. As long as you continue to see him while he's married then its pretty much an unspoken agreement on your part to continue just being his OW. Otherwise, you wouldn't be with him. What would be his motivation for leaving if you haven't given him one? Just being there for him isn't going to make him want to leave his wife. If that were the case, he would have left her already.

 

2. Because your idea of a great life and his are not the same. I expect his idea of a great life is having a great position in his job, a W with whom he is secure, and an OW to takes up where the W leaves off. He needs you both for different reasons. He already has a W, so he doesn't need for you to be a W - he just needs you to function as an OW.

 

How do you make changes? You have the power to make the changes. You just don't have the power to control the outcome. That's the tricky part. If you want to force a change, you'll have to accept that the change may not go your way - since he pretty much has you where he wants you, and should things go wrong: you'll be the one losing pretty much everything.

 

How willing are you to risk everything you have to get what you want?

 

Of course, you could always just wait it out. I guess you have to decide what its worth to you to spend months/years waiting for something that might not happen.

what she said!!

lol

i am currently nc for 2 months he has been emailing &iming

anyway why not tell him ,

call me when your separated or divorced ,

my XMM keeps writing ,

i want to ,i need to see you!!

good for him & you know what i tell him?

one day !!

exactly what he's told me for the longest time ,

i feel better not physically seeing him ,

the longer I'm away the easier it gets ,

and i know if too much time passes ,

i will email&let him know ,

forget one day .

[goldy]

good for him & you know what i tell him?

one day !!

QUOTE lynnered

like it!!

 

marie, do what everyone else said and break it off, dont bother telling him, just do it. move on. you'll get support here. read all the other posts and hear about all the other lies.

[kkat]

Please get out of this situation.

 

Invest the time to read some of the treads here, including some of the older ones, from women like myself who have given years to MM who never left, or in my case and that of others, men who left and then went back home.

 

Who signed the lease?

Who is paying the rent?

Did you move into the new apt?

If so, where were you living before?

Did he say he was moving into the apt with you?

[Marie1973]

Hey

 

We are meeting today to have a talk about everything. He called me

last night & heard me crying & couldn't handle it. He hates when i'm

upset. He said that he loves me to death & doesn't want to see me

upset. So we are meeting today.

 

 

The apartment lease is in his name.

He is paying the rent, he won't let me pay a dime.

No we had the apartement for 2 months now niether of us live there.

I still live home with my parents.

Yes he did say that we will be moving in together shortly after we

get the furniture. The furniture was delivered last Friday.

 

So we will see what happens today with this talk.

thanks guys for all your advice

[CuriousSad]

Marie1973,

 

What is his excuse for not going through with a divorce after all this time? Is it financial or because he has small kids with the wife? I'm just curious...

[SoleMate]

Argh. Here we go again.

 

I'm planning on holding a nationwide (US) convention for OW so I can get them all in the same room, grab the microphone, and start screaming some sense in them!! I would rather watch a toddler play with a chain saw than hear another one of these self-destructive, pathetic stories.

 

Another convention activity would be mandatory anti-depressants for every persistent OW. I just can't see how a woman who loves herself and has HOPE would cling to these paper-thin, whiny lies/excuses that, by the OW's own admission, fill her with despair.

 

And let's not forget the booth where every OW will be fitted with a prosthetic backbone so she can tell her whining, manipulating MM to take a long walk off a short pier....and mean it...and stick to it.

 

Here are some MM facts (by the way, when I say MM here it is understood I am talking about MM who have an OW...not the other, good kind):

 

1) MM have VERY HIGH tolerances for being in suboptimal marriages. It may be true he's very unhappy, but for most men, you would basically need to stick a Sterno candle up his (body part name deleted) and light it before he would move on this issue. Why?? I have no idea. Women in our post-industrial society will be much quicker to leave a bad marriage.

 

2) MM are some of the most manipulative users on this planet. They may be after sex, love, distraction, self-therapy, or some combination of the above, but they will push and pull evey little button the OW has, to make her think that this "r/s" will meet her needs and to keep her hooked.

 

3) If you MM dumps you early in the game, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY. You have a chance to move on.

 

4) There are plenty of single men out there. Look harder. Some of them are shy and fear your rejection, so you have to do some of the legwork. Whereas MM in pursuit of OW have an odd confidence, because regardless of how bad they got shot down, they still have their "fallback gal" to go home to. That's where they get their self-assurance, charm, etc. Worst case, they still go home to the one they're fooling, she cooks dinner, he falls asleep in his chair....ah, bliss!

 

The one good reason for all OW to immediately publish their affairs in the major metropolitan news daily is that it would bring the affairs to an end, and millions of women could have a chance to lead NORMAL lives which do not involve being hidden in ANYONE'S shadows.

[goldy]

very good post sole mate,

it is good and it is true.

[Marie1973]

ok

well just had a talk with my MM.

I started crying again, it killed him to see that he is hurting me.

 

He said:

- that he is leaving his wife this month for sure.

- that he had to get a few things in order first & has

to be practical about his move & just couldn't do it without planning

- he will be out by April 1. I told him if he's not then i'm leaving.

- he can't bare to lose me & loves me more than he ever loved his wife.

- he never thought that he could be happy again, but when i came into life he realized that he could be happy again.

- he didnt think that he could ever love again He didn't think it was possible, but he did.

- that he is soooooooo in love with me & will put me first for the rest of his

life so i never forget it

 

This man just takes my breathe away.

He said there is no way that i'm getting away. He said we will be together

for the rest of our lives. So i guess the we will see what happens in the next 3 weeks. Wish me luck guys. I'll keep u posted

[goldy]

good luck marie

[ww]

new golden rule for you: NO MORE WAITING

put your act together and start living...go out there find yourself a nice single guy just for you ...build your own life...have a baby ...do whatever you feel to do .BUT STOP WASTING YOUR TIME

[HoldOn]

This man just takes my breathe away.

 

It takes MY breath away that some gals will accept magic words over real actions.

 

He says he loves you, but what has he DONE about it? Actions speak louder than words.

 

(I feel sorry for his wife)

[Marie1973]

thanks Goldie, I'll need all the luck I could get.

 

Cross your fingers!!!!!!!!!

[kkat]

Dear sweet Marie, please, at least promise yourself to spend some time today reading some of the posts on here from those of us who heard the same promises (talk) without the divorce (walk).

 

Sometimes things do work out because the MM do leave because they truly want to end their marriages AND in a double freak accident of luck also want to commit to a new woman (you) right away. I hope that you are about to find yourself in that situation, because I know it's what you want.

 

But please please be aware of the difference between his words and his actions.

 

Has he yet told his wife he is leaving?

[whichwayisup]

The other thing to consider Marie is one can't just jump into one relationship after ending a marriage...Yeah maybe some can, but if you really want a good shot at this, when and if he leaves, DATE him very casually. (No sex.)

 

It's like starting fresh - and like any other relationship. Ya can't just jump in there and forget about the other person so fast. I'm sure he'll have tons of emotions either way of ending it with his wife. Maybe that is why most of the time the MM heads back to his wife cuz he can't get over her and he realizes that leaving was what he really wanted afterall.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, I'm sure you're feeling alot right now anyway...Just listen to what everyone is telling you.

[BoatingBabe]

I dated a MM who left his wife twice. I met him the first time when he was separated, after he and I didn't work out, he went back with her. He left her a second time and we tried again, but the problems were still there, and I left him...and now he's back with her. So from my personal experience no matter how many times they say "i don't love her anymore, she's mean when she's drunk, we're not compatible...." blah blah blah....they always go back.

[goldy]

i think this is so true, you know what they say about rebound relationships, well this is essentially what this is, it doesnt matter that it begun whilst they are stilll together.

there are alot of reasons men go back, it is also the shame of it they cannot handle, family and mutual friends being angry with them, basically their whole world falls apart when they leave, i dont think any one woman and any amount of love is enough to make up for that huge loss.

you may have to be willing to wait on the sidelines offering your support when he makes the break. i dont know whether putting pressure on him to leave is helpful, perhaps talk to him and let him know you understand what a big step this is for him and tell him to make sure he is ready for it. on the other hand i dont blame you, why should he keep you as his bit on the side? you see these situations are so complicated and difficult, it is no surprise they rarely work out.

[Marie1973]

Hello

Yes I talked to my MM already & made sure that this move is

what he wants also & he said it definitely is. He said he can't live

without me & is not going to let me get away.

 

This is not a rebound relationship at all. His marriage was dead

for the passed 14 years. They barely speak, only when they have to,

they don't watch TV in the same room, they don't sleep in the same

bed, they haven't had sex for over 5 years. He hasn't been in love

with her for years. They just stayed together for the kids. Now that

the kids are almost out of the house , he wants to make the move.

 

Our love is so strong, its unbelieveable.

We want to be together for the rest of our lives & we are going to be. :-)

I know how the normal dating MM goes, but this relationship isn't like

that.

[goldy]

ok cool, it sounds hopeful i have to say.

[EnigmaXOXO]

From one of your earlier posts:

 

The worst part is that he is the Vice President of the company i work for.

 

I hope that you have already contemplated the possible ramifications of this as well, Marie.

 

Have you already prepared yourself in the event that you might need to change jobs? In the terrible event that your July deadline doesn't come to fruition, and you actually follow through with your resolve to end this relationship -- what are the chances that you could be terminated under false pretenses? Or at very least, have to submit your resignation because of your resentment for having been screwed on so many levels.

 

Goodness, the more details I read the worse your predicament sounds.

 

Can't look anymore. This is just terrible. . .