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Stuck on stupid [updated 2016-07-05]


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We all know how it is to not be able to talk about what is really going on....so here I am. I am new here and not sure if this is the correct venue for this.

I met a guy about 4 years ago all was well. for a couple of years. Romantic dinners. concerts. overnights out of town. We both knew and know that neither of our relationships are going to change. He is successful and happy with wifey and 2 perfect kids with the white picket fence. I am single and working to better myself and enjoy my life without complications. It was perfect and of course all went to heck. he accused me of having too much feelings for him and will not ever admit his part. He accused me of being to attached and I say he is projecting and fell to hard for me so started pushing away. He told me a couple of times that he lived me but also loved his wifey..no big deal. So he started pushing away and I haven't been on a real date with him for a couple of years. I accept that we will never be like we were but I do like him and his company. he is narcissistic and self loathing so he tried harder to please. So lately we have been seeing each other a bit more. But I am done playing around with him if he doesn't want me to be his girl any more but he wont admit it to me. I told him last week that I am obviously not his good time girl anymore and he insist that he doesn't have one since he has been busy with travel and unable to find time to connect with anyone. I want to just say either I am here or I am not. why does he drag me along and try to manipulate. I have since found a guy and he is terrific that great nice gut that we all claim we look for and he makes time and cancels his plans to be with me. but I am stuck on stupid and want to be the cheater rather than the side piece to be with this past guy. what is wrong with us.

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Sometimes your simply attracted to unavailable men. It's could be a sign that your really not ready for the big commitment. I've always thought that a big part of the appeal for single other women was to have a man but not have one at the same time. Not to have anyone place time demands, or prevent them from doing their thing.

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Also please don't drag the single guy into this mess. Leave him for the next woman who can enter a relationship with him with an open heart

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Why don't you want more for yourself than to be some narcissistic self loathing married guy's good time girl?

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It's going to be hard and painful to get "unstuck" there's just no way around it I'm sorry to say...it's also going to take a long time and some determination on your part not to fall back into the same old trap of the affair.

 

Your seeing the MM and the A itself more clearly now....but you are still wanting it to go back to the exciting beginning. It won't though, because now that you have seen certain aspects of him, the rose colored glasses are being removed. Ignorance is bliss in the beginning of an affair.

 

It's time to move on and find a real partner without the pain and guilt. MM will leave you lots of breadcrumbs to keep you where you are. Why wouldn't he? He loves having you on the side and it adds to his marriage. It's sad, but it's true.

 

I hope you do find the strength and determination to just go NC. I really do hope that for you. It will be miserable at first, I'm two months into it and there are still days I cry over him and don't want to get out of bed. But time is our friend here, everyday gets a tiny bit easier.

 

Good Luck

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Also please don't drag the single guy into this mess. Leave him for the next woman who can enter a relationship with him with an open heart

 

 

I want to be in this relationship and away from the MM. I truly do but the pull to the MM is something I have to fight with daily. especially when he contacts me. I do like my life and feel that i do want what i cant have. i don't want to have to wash clothes and blah blah blah. I like the interest of someone who is available and still wants to be with me. The MM has shown that he is still out there looking for another girl on the side and that is ok. But he has yet, according to him, found anyone else to go to. i know i don't owe him but i feel like i want to wanted. The new guy gives me that but i don't know if i deserve the attention since it is a rare find these days and i keep waiting for the next shoe to drop...always on the ball of my feet waiting.

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So I guess they do exist. Women with no self respect or self worth.

You know, you're his sloppy seconds. You know there are 3.5 billion other man on this planet?

 

From another LS member

"Why do we want someone like that in our lives? They don't love us. They love what they get from us without having to sacrifice anything to get that from us. It's disgusting actually."

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It feels suffocating at times. Almost like an addiction to him rather than a caring kind of love. It was so easy t fall and so hard to let go. I think that I do deserve someone to care for me but the times and attention that he gave made it all wroth it. It started off being fun and I had control then I lost something in the mean time. MM gave me all that I needed after my divorce and then took it away...I cant find anyone to fill the footprints he left in my life. he was the most caring and attentive and then it changed and I cant let go. My heart is heavy and my life has to continue but there are days when I lay in bed and just want toreach out to him and I stay strong and some days I cant do it without hearing from him.

Thank you

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ChickiePops
It feels suffocating at times. Almost like an addiction to him rather than a caring kind of love. It was so easy t fall and so hard to let go. I think that I do deserve someone to care for me but the times and attention that he gave made it all wroth it. It started off being fun and I had control then I lost something in the mean time. MM gave me all that I needed after my divorce and then took it away...I cant find anyone to fill the footprints he left in my life. he was the most caring and attentive and then it changed and I cant let go. My heart is heavy and my life has to continue but there are days when I lay in bed and just want toreach out to him and I stay strong and some days I cant do it without hearing from him.

Thank you

 

An addiction is exactly what it is. This is not love. You don't love each other.

 

Leave the single guy alone unless you can immediately extricate yourself from this messy situation. He deserves your full attention.

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We all know how it is to not be able to talk about what is really going on....so here I am. I am new here and not sure if this is the correct venue for this.

I met a guy about 4 years ago all was well. for a couple of years. Romantic dinners. concerts. overnights out of town. We both knew and know that neither of our relationships are going to change. He is successful and happy with wifey and 2 perfect kids with the white picket fence. I am single and working to better myself and enjoy my life without complications. It was perfect and of course all went to heck. he accused me of having too much feelings for him and will not ever admit his part. He accused me of being to attached and I say he is projecting and fell to hard for me so started pushing away. He told me a couple of times that he lived me but also loved his wifey..no big deal. So he started pushing away and I haven't been on a real date with him for a couple of years. I accept that we will never be like we were but I do like him and his company. he is narcissistic and self loathing so he tried harder to please. So lately we have been seeing each other a bit more. But I am done playing around with him if he doesn't want me to be his girl any more but he wont admit it to me. I told him last week that I am obviously not his good time girl anymore and he insist that he doesn't have one since he has been busy with travel and unable to find time to connect with anyone. I want to just say either I am here or I am not. why does he drag me along and try to manipulate. I have since found a guy and he is terrific that great nice gut that we all claim we look for and he makes time and cancels his plans to be with me. but I am stuck on stupid and want to be the cheater rather than the side piece to be with this past guy. what is wrong with us.

 

You like him

You are addicted to the attention because he is addicted to you

The sex is amazing and so is your attraction and chemistry

The money he probably spends impresses

He is way better than most of the single dating pool

If only he was single and wanted to marry you

 

But

 

Things are the way they are not the way we want them to be

 

Maybe it's like an amazing dessert but you cannot only eat dessert and you are throwing away the best years of your life while your own dating pool rescinds badly badly

But you have to find a way to not like him or this and to trust you can do better

Of course a ddAy can always force this but I don't recommend it

 

Why don't you take a break and try to date?

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"Wifey" is such a derogatory term. MUST we use it?

 

THANK YOU! Every time I see this term used by an OW I want to scream. It is SO insulting. I think it should be on the list of unacceptable words for this forum.

 

I mean it as endearing...not derogatory at all.

 

With all due respect, No you didnt. Or at least it did not come off that way, except sarcastically.

 

See this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/584883-being-wifey

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THANK YOU! Every time I see this term used by an OW I want to scream. It is SO insulting. I think it should be on the list of unacceptable words for this forum.

 

 

With all due respect, No you didnt. Or at least it did not come off that way, except sarcastically.

 

 

I apologize. I really meant no offense. I am new here and do not want to start off as coming off as a Bi$%y OW.

I will refrain from the use of that word... I read the Suggestions so BW is ok?

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I have been trying to get rid of my need to see MM but it seems like when he contacts me I give in. He offered to meet for a couple of hours and it turned out to be a few more than that. It is so obvious to me that he does not really "want" me any more but not sure why he is trying to keep me. He has several other females he entertains and the he has sex with. Since he has not been intimate with me for going on 2 years now. The BW has recently been very sick and he says he doesn't have time for me or another female but I know for a fact that he is seeing other woman and just doesn't have time for me. I am not his girl anymore but I keep taggin along and it hurts more and more. Like yesterday he made it very very clear that we will not be having any sex and he seems condescending to spend time with me because I need to and he doesn't. Oh this hurts just typing it. I just don't know why I am still in his life. there are just so many different aspects to this situation as you can imagine. It is all complicated and I am very confused... He kept teasing me with weekend trips and day trips that used to happen frequently and I know will never happen again. Hurting like crazy and confused. He again made plans to "maybe see me Friday"... tearing me up.

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I just don't know why I am still in his life.

 

It's because you let yourself be. As long as you continue to accept crumbs that's what he will give until he doesn't even want to give you crumbs anymore. Until you love yourself more than him you will stay in pain.

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loveisanaction
I have been trying to get rid of my need to see MM but it seems like when he contacts me I give in. He offered to meet for a couple of hours and it turned out to be a few more than that. It is so obvious to me that he does not really "want" me any more but not sure why he is trying to keep me. He has several other females he entertains and the he has sex with. Since he has not been intimate with me for going on 2 years now. The BW has recently been very sick and he says he doesn't have time for me or another female but I know for a fact that he is seeing other woman and just doesn't have time for me. I am not his girl anymore but I keep taggin along and it hurts more and more. Like yesterday he made it very very clear that we will not be having any sex and he seems condescending to spend time with me because I need to and he doesn't. Oh this hurts just typing it. I just don't know why I am still in his life. there are just so many different aspects to this situation as you can imagine. It is all complicated and I am very confused... He kept teasing me with weekend trips and day trips that used to happen frequently and I know will never happen again. Hurting like crazy and confused. He again made plans to "maybe see me Friday"... tearing me up.

 

 

Cobra, Girl, Come now, you know why he keeps calling you. There is nothing confusing about what your married man is doing. You even said you know for a fact that he's seeing other women. So, you know why he keeps calling you.

 

I understand you have feelings for him and it seems like you want so badly to believe that he has the same feelings for you but you know the truth.

 

Every time your married man calls and you give in to him, you are participating in inflicting yourself with your own pain.

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If we were having sex I could totally understand...but we seem to have nothing emotional anymore. I know why I am there...I am hoping, but why does he keep me if we don't even kiss or hug or nothing anymore. Lost and confused. There was a time where it was fantastic but that was years ago. Now it is so cold and calculated. I don't feel anything from him.

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loveisanaction
If we were having sex I could totally understand...but we seem to have nothing emotional anymore. I know why I am there...I am hoping, but why does he keep me if we don't even kiss or hug or nothing anymore. Lost and confused. There was a time where it was fantastic but that was years ago. Now it is so cold and calculated. I don't feel anything from him.

 

 

You don't have to wonder why he keeps you around, you don't feel anything for him so it shouldn't matter why.

 

If you don't feel anything for him the next time he calls you tell him to bugger off (and that's the PG version). Then proceed to block him everywhere and continue on with your life.

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Meeting up with him is the emotional equivalent of hitting yourself on the kneecap with a hammer.

 

It will hurt every time.

 

You can choose not to do this.

 

You are not helpless.

 

 

Take care.

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ladydesigner

(((cobra148))) STOP seeing him and go NC for you today! Make a LONG list of all the things you do not like about him and read it everyday. When you are missing him, read that list!

 

Get thee into therapy too!

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You don't have to wonder why he keeps you around, you don't feel anything for him so it shouldn't matter why.

 

If you don't feel anything for him the next time he calls you tell him to bugger off (and that's the PG version). Then proceed to block him everywhere and continue on with your life.

 

 

I never said I don't feel anything for him...I said we have no emotion anymore We lost that spark...but I still love him. that is not a question...but he doesn't feel the same anymore. So this is why I know I need to let him go. It does hurt and sometimes when he does contact me I try to not see him and I go days fighting myself not to respond... yesterday I even told him I wasn't going and then I did. I am killing myself... I know it is self torture. but somedays are harder than others.

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(((cobra148))) STOP seeing him and go NC for you today! Make a LONG list of all the things you do not like about him and read it everyday. When you are missing him, read that list!

 

Get thee into therapy too!

 

 

He already emailed me today... I deleted it and will not respond for today!!! working on that list...as short as it may be... but I am sure it will grow. that is a good suggestion. Thank you. I have been in counseling for it...

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whichwayisup
I have been trying to get rid of my need to see MM but it seems like when he contacts me I give in. He offered to meet for a couple of hours and it turned out to be a few more than that. It is so obvious to me that he does not really "want" me any more but not sure why he is trying to keep me. He has several other females he entertains and the he has sex with. Since he has not been intimate with me for going on 2 years now. The BW has recently been very sick and he says he doesn't have time for me or another female but I know for a fact that he is seeing other woman and just doesn't have time for me. I am not his girl anymore but I keep taggin along and it hurts more and more. Like yesterday he made it very very clear that we will not be having any sex and he seems condescending to spend time with me because I need to and he doesn't. Oh this hurts just typing it. I just don't know why I am still in his life. there are just so many different aspects to this situation as you can imagine. It is all complicated and I am very confused... He kept teasing me with weekend trips and day trips that used to happen frequently and I know will never happen again. Hurting like crazy and confused. He again made plans to "maybe see me Friday"... tearing me up.

 

When you're really fed up with this treatment and hurting enough, you will block him and end it once and for all. When you find the love and respect for yourself, you'll end it once and for all.

 

You're allowing HIM power over you, he knows how to manipulate you selfishly, he knows you'll cave every time. Try not to focus on WHY HE is still trying to see you, focus on why you are still seeing him and allowing him back into your life. You can't control what he does, thinks or says but CAN control how you react to him.

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He already emailed me today... I deleted it and will not respond for today!!! working on that list...as short as it may be... but I am sure it will grow. that is a good suggestion. Thank you. I have been in counseling for it...

 

Remember to use the magic word:

 

 

Choose.

 

 

"I choose not to respond."

 

"I choose to have a good day today."

 

Etc.

 

 

You have a lot more power than you realise.

 

 

Take care.

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