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I've managed to remain NC from exMm, he's tried contacting me but I've no interest in talking to him - I want nothing to do with him at all. In the last few months I've moved past the grieving to the reflection phase. I still don't really know how I ended up in an affair, I've always had such high morals yet when he eventually admitted that he was married (after being together for 6 months) I stayed. Well actually I left but I went back, then as we were long distance; I remained in constant contact with him for several months and saw him briefly when he travelled to see me. It ended then, I couldn't do it I was not myself and constantly pushed him away. I hated who I had become yet my "feelings" for him meant I kept trying to push through that, such a mess.

 

I've started reading on a BS website, I've forced myself to look at the devastation over there and am so glad we never had a D Day. There's one thing I find very disturbing over there though and that's the level of total hatred placed on OW.

 

I get disliking someone who has harmed you, but the language they use and their wish for revenge is awful. They wish all sorts of harm on the OW while exonerating their husbands, allowing their husbands the dignity of getting their lives together, to accept what they're done is wrong, to learn from it and become a better person - OW though? The common thought is that they're all completely broken, deserve any horror life can force on them and should be permanently scarred with an A.

 

Many have taken actual steps to destroy the OW, targeting their children, families, careers and social networks. They call OWs broken, cum dumpsters, it and whores - refusing to believe that they may, as the majority if OWs here are, be trying to understand what happened to allow them make such poor choices and to move onto an authentic life.

 

I think one of the aspects that disturbs me so much is that it's women who still carry the brunt of sin or whatever you want to call it. One poster discusses how her husband essentially got away with no ramifications but the OW was pretty much excommunicated, to the point that her pastors wife told everyone that she was the sort of harlot the bible warns about (actually this kind of made me laugh, I kept picturing Mrs Lovejoy from the Simpsons).

 

I did a horrible thing, but I don't believe I am a wholly bad person, in fact in every other aspect of my life I'm a very good one. It's probably the one thing I've ever done wrong and I've tried my hardest to get my life together and move on from it. Goodness knows I'd never do it again.

 

I read stories from the other women here and the majority are good hearted, talented and intelligent women who are trying to rebuild their lives - I hate to think that there is a whole group of people wishing them pain and harm.

 

It's horrible to read, yet I keep reading - I'm not sure why.

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I suspect I know the forum you are talking about and TBH I often feel a bit shocked at some of views expressed - as a BS I DO NOT share them. However those women are speaking from a position of pain, anger and insecurity. It isn't necessarily how they will think a few months or years down the line. And don't forget they think they are writing to a self-selected audience of other BS so they are letting off steam as many OW do on here - when other posters remonstrate with them for extreme or callous they are told that this is aboard for OW/OM and they should be able to vent freely.

 

And please understand for the majority of BS there is no free ride for the WS. Far from it. If you think that you clearly cannot imagine the situation in the house were infidelity has been discovered. It's a living hell TBH and it was bad enough for me as a BS - I would have hated to be in H's shoes. The thing is that, assuming reconciliation is genuine, there is so much work for both spouses to do, so much introspection, so much painful discussion, there is no way it can be seen as a free-ride. I guess for me it felt as if OW had come along, chucked a bomb into my marriage, and then buggered off free as a bird, whistling nonchalantly as if she had done nothing at all while H and I were scrabbling around in the ruins trying to salvage and rebuild. OF COURSE I know it isn't like that but I am sure you can see why a BS might feel that way in the immediate aftermath.

 

And I think if you read a little more on that forum you will see plenty of BH who are far more angry and unforgiving than most of the BW. It isn't just OW that get blamed.

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Midwestmissy

I'm a bs. I think for sure on infidelity boards people spew hatred. It's a good place to let it out. Betrayed folks have shared years of love for someone, it's hard to detest your spouse immediately, and it's easy to hate someone who knew what she was doing. I don't wish harm on the mow - even if I've posted otherwise. She has 4 kids. I never contacted her, but I did send her bh all the info I had. She was eventually fired as well because it was a family business and either my h had to go or she did. By that point, they were both so ridiculed, I couldn't believe she fought to stay or that her bh wanted her to continue to work for my h. She continued to contact, she popped up on my kids social media and mine, and showed up at family funerals and celebrations. Alone. Driving hours in a snowstorm. I was humiliated. Do you see why I hated her so much? She wrote me an email telling me she thought the 4 of us should sit down - she wanted my h to know that she was willing to continue to lie for him. It was cuckoo. I never responded.

 

My h showed remorse, moved us 1000 miles away, went to therapy, came clean to our kids and friends and extended family and never blamed me. He confessed the whole thing, paid me every penny he had spent on her (it wasn't much) and every penny we had spent on therapy during the affair (that was a lot of money). She showed up at our events.

 

Turns out she's a serial cheater who never "loses" so she was pretty upset about the split. She was married to her bh brother and cheated on him with his brother - these are not quality people worth my respect. I told my h that he triangulated me with a person I would have never in my life met or with whom I'd have had interaction. That he gave her false intimacy by sharing a secret - the affair - with her. I guess they both felt special.

 

I think betrayed folks get so angry for a lot reasons, but having a remorseful spouse and three kids begging you to try to work on it makes you consider the sunk costs in the marriage. Then the hate has to go somewhere. But I'd take the level of vitriol on websites with a grain of salt. On cheating websites, the party line is that the bw treats the h horribly, doesn't have sex with him, cold, withholding, unappreciative, ugly, fat etc. And they despise the bw with a passion.

 

Affairs are a hot mess.

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Hi Winterkeep

 

I wrote something in regard to this on my own thread this morning. I think in an A there is a complex dynamic of shifting blame, and it begins with the two people involved in the affair projecting their discomfort onto the BS. As the affair unravels, that mechanism still exists, but the placing of the participants changes.

 

I think in early reconciliation, or thwarted reconciliation, the OP remains in limbo as the 'bad' person. For the WS and BS to come together again, it seems necessary that the OP becomes the 'baddie' because up until that point the BS has been the baddie, forcing the AP to 'seek love elsewhere'.

 

I have also read some disturbing posts, but I also have some incredible exchanges with BSs who have been kind, generous and empathetic.

 

At the end of the day, when a BS is hurting and angry, they don't want to hear 'y'know, my OW, she did a bad thing, but really, she's a great gal!'. It is sad to know that my exAP will be running me down, and/or colluding in running me down, but, I listened to him when he spoke this way about his BS, and that enabled me to blind myself and feel justified in the A.

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Agree with the above posts, particularly Oran.

 

Blame is shifting.

 

I was OW (still am, I guess, because it's a thing you don't just get rid of. I have to live with it forever) and I did not ask for an A. I never wanted one. As horrible as it is and as weak as it sounds, I fell into it.

 

I honestly think everyone and no-one is to blame.

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Most affairs don't start the way yours did. You thought you were in a relationship with just him for 6 months. Should you have ended it as soon as you found out? Yes, but emotions aren't logical. It's the OW (MOW or single) that enter into an affair knowing it's an affair that they are referring to on that website. The OW that willingly entering into a relationship where they know don't belong. They listen to all the things that they've heard (learned just by living life) a typical MM would say at the start of an affair such as, my marriage is over, we don't have sex, it's only for the kids, and so on and so forth; however, for some reason the woman that will become the OW don't see those red flags. They chose to enter into an exciting passionate affair thinking they are the right woman for him & the wife is on the way out & she is on the way in. Most WH do not get off easy at home if both husband and wife decide to reconcile. It is a living nightmare for all parties involved. You have to see the BS may have known the marriage wasn't perfect but had no idea it was "bad" enough for her H to have an affair. See the BS thinks her husband loves her, chose her to spend the rest of his life with, help her through every bad or good situation that life brings upon them because that's what he promised to her in the cold light of day not in some secret affair. He promised not to do things such as have this torrid love/sex fueled affair to feed his ego while she had NO idea. See for BS it's easier to blame a "cum dumpster", or simply a woman that puts herself in a relationship that she knows is wrong from the get go, but trust me, she (the wife) is blaming her WH more than the AP/OW. It's also the OW that WON'T go away. The ones that are so surprised the their AP dropped them as soon as the A was discovered yet tries to treat it as an break-up in an actual relationship. TBH the OW or OM in these situation knew the end of the affair was 100% a total possibility even if they were in denial about it. So, while the AP feels like the rug's been pulled out from under them they actually were never on the rug. It's the OW the ones that stalk, constantly try to contact MM or his wife for months or years on end. They feel like their future has been taken from them. It's these OW that BS "hate". If it started out with the OW not knowing about the M like you it's completely different. Both MM & OW share equal blame for being in an A & so does an OW as soon that she finds out she is an OW & doesn't walk away. It's just the BS doesn't give 2 *****s about the OW but does love her H.

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The common thought is that they're all completely broken, deserve any horror life can force on them and should be permanently scarred with an A.

 

The above is often the way the OW feels about the BS too. I think it's normal for the BS to initially focus their anger on the OW. I think it's the only way for many of them to not kill their husbands in the early stages of recovery.

 

That's why I'm glad LS allows everyone to post on both the infidelity boards and the OW/OM board. On both boards whenever an OW or a BS starts getting too zealous in posting their contempt for each other, posters are quick to jump in and remind them that's it's actually the MM who is mostly responsible for everyone's pain. I've read forums that only allow betrayed spouses and I've read forums that only allow OW/OM and frankly both are cringe worthy sometimes. Those forums may be helpful in some respects but other times they just seem to feed delusional thinking and hinder growth.

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Most affairs don't start the way yours did. You thought you were in a relationship with just him for 6 months. Should you have ended it as soon as you found out? Yes, but emotions aren't logical. It's the OW (MOW or single) that enter into an affair knowing it's an affair that they are referring to on that website. The OW that willingly entering into a relationship where they know don't belong. They listen to all the things that they've heard (learned just by living life) a typical MM would say at the start of an affair such as, my marriage is over, we don't have sex, it's only for the kids, and so on and so forth; however, for some reason the woman that will become the OW don't see those red flags. They chose to enter into an exciting passionate affair thinking they are the right woman for him & the wife is on the way out & she is on the way in. Most WH do not get off easy at home if both husband and wife decide to reconcile. It is a living nightmare for all parties involved. You have to see the BS may have known the marriage wasn't perfect but had no idea it was "bad" enough for her H to have an affair. See the BS thinks her husband loves her, chose her to spend the rest of his life with, help her through every bad or good situation that life brings upon them because that's what he promised to her in the cold light of day not in some secret affair. He promised not to do things such as have this torrid love/sex fueled affair to feed his ego while she had NO idea. See for BS it's easier to blame a "cum dumpster", or simply a woman that puts herself in a relationship that she knows is wrong from the get go, but trust me, she (the wife) is blaming her WH more than the AP/OW. It's also the OW that WON'T go away. The ones that are so surprised the their AP dropped them as soon as the A was discovered yet tries to treat it as an break-up in an actual relationship. TBH the OW or OM in these situation knew the end of the affair was 100% a total possibility even if they were in denial about it. So, while the AP feels like the rug's been pulled out from under them they actually were never on the rug. It's the OW the ones that stalk, constantly try to contact MM or his wife for months or years on end. They feel like their future has been taken from them. It's these OW that BS "hate". If it started out with the OW not knowing about the M like you it's completely different. Both MM & OW share equal blame for being in an A & so does an OW as soon that she finds out she is an OW & doesn't walk away. It's just the BS doesn't give 2 *****s about the OW but does love her H.

 

Although I am inclined to agree with some of what you say... I'll refer you to 'future faking' in regards to the 'OW treats it like a real break up' and say nothing more.

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I do agree that it's unfair that women bear the brunt for affairs, that wayward wives and other women alike just couldn't be respectable like they should have been, while wayward husbands and other men are just guys being guys.

 

As a BW, I've done my share of reading OW stories to try to understand how this woman could have made the choices that she did. I've chatted with a few OW who have been understanding and supportive and have helped me humanize OW. But at the end of the day, they are not she. She is the one who deemed my and my children's pain an acceptable price for the chance of convincing a married man halfway around the world to divorce his wife so she could have the family she always wanted. She's the one who Tweeted that she would never give up after WH dumped her on DD, that God would find a way for them to be together.

 

I have never contacted OW. When she Tweets about her sorrow, in my heart of hearts, my initial reaction is pity. I don't want another person to feel sorrow because of her relationship to my family, no matter how self-inflicted and avoidable it was. I recognize that my husband is the one who opened the door to another woman, and that it's not her responsibility or any other woman's responsibility to guard the sanctity of my marriage.

 

But I also believe, as a BW, that anger towards someone whose choices harmed me is justified and healthy. And airing it to anonymous strangers is a good and free way of letting it out. Yes, I go to IC and talk to friends and journal and all of that, but nothing beats discussing it with people who are going through the exact same thing at the same time. DD inflicts a real psychic trauma that must be tended to in order to move forward. If reading about that trauma and the anger that proceeds from it is bothering you, then I suggest you not visit those sites. There are OW only sites out there, and clearly the participants are not expecting BWs to be reading their thoughts and judging them for the areas where they haven't reached full awareness and self-actualization yet.

 

You didn't enter an affair with all the knowledge that most OW do. You were in the dark, much like a BW. When you found out, you were initially confused and invested and made choices that in retrospect you would have done differently. The same goes for a BW.

 

I believe I am emotionally healthy and reasonable, and WH is finally doing the work and I believe we will be a reconciliation success story. But initially after DD, things were so confusing. He exploded in anger over all these perceived slights, which he now realizes were confirmation bias used to justify the affair. But for 8 whole months after DD, he blamed me (I have a chronic illness and was unable to connect and prioritize him, though I did try). While I scoffed and repeatedly rejected any responsibility for his affair, I didn't see our dynamic for what it was clearly. I expected him to treat me with the same regard and self-awareness that I did him. So when he said he was unhappy and I wasn't doing enough, I took him seriously. With MC and time I realized, hey, WTF! Why is it always all about you? Your job is to support me in my illness, not blame me for it and act put out for something I can't help!

 

So all this is to say that if people who are generally emotionally healthy without any serious FOO issues or faulty coping skills find DD and healing from an affair traumatic and confusing, then a little understanding is in order for the many people who are batting with even less than that. I'm not a vengeful person and I'm not into public-shaming; I'm guessing the people doing this to the OW do this in other aspects of their lives as well. I'm not saying it's OK, but if we're all going to pile onto the Stanford rapist with public shaming, then we'll probably do it the women who slept with our husbands too.

 

For what it's worth, the bulk of my anger towards my OW is because of her Tweets during and after the A. I can understand why she would have an affair and how she hoped it would turn out. But I take her public declarations of eternal love and her carrying her sorrow like a sainted badge as an affront to me. Have some dignity. Have some self-awareness. Have some shame.

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Although I am inclined to agree with some of what you say... I'll refer you to 'future faking' in regards to the 'OW treats it like a real break up' and say nothing more.

That's a really useful pointer immokk, just been reading up on future faking.

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Affairs cause a lot of hatred and contempt. I used to think that all blame lies with the MM and then a BW told me how coniving and manipulative the OW in her case was which made me have a different view. My thinking was if the OW spread herself naked the MM should walk away, but I was told that's asking a bit much.

 

Not in my opinion, otherwise the same thinking should be given by women who get pursued right?

 

Indeed everyone is responsible for the hurt they cause another and common decency and morals cause people to derail.

 

Women are held to a higher moral standard than men. A woman I'm working with can't understand how another woman could cheat knowing the BW is pregnant and that the OW is mother herself.

 

She's almost forgetting her husband in all this, but thinks knowing how difficult a pregnancy can be how could another woman do this. Plus she actually knows the woman which doesn't help.

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OP, I think you are in a different situation because you were blindsided by the fact your boyfriend was married. I imagine you felt incredibly betrayed and angry, and when you remember that feeling of being lied to, multiply that by years of marriage, children, mortgages, tragedies, milestones, and life experiences shared and you'll start to get a glimpse at why BS spouses are filled with so much unfettered rage. Spewing vitriol against the type of amoral, predatory, stereotyped AP, while not very nice, is a BS's rite of passage. "What kind of person would date someone else's spouse?" That vitriol better be aimed at the AP because if you aim it at your WS, it isn't conducive to reconciliation.

 

Finding a common enemy with the WS is a bonding experience for the AP during the affair and for the BS during reconciliation. The united front WS and AP against the BS allows them to build Fantasyland, while the united front of BS and WS against AP is necessary for R to happen, to help the BS feel secure, especially after months of being vilified and gaslighted.

 

Let's face it - as a BS it's easier to hear, "That woman seduced me and I'm so ashamed I failed to resist the gravitational pull of her ladyparts and fall into it with my penis," than to hear him say, "Look, I made a bad decision. She has been my best friend and confidante for X months, we were really close, and I am hurting because I'm going through a break-up here while trying to deal with your psychotic outbursts. It makes me sad you think so poorly of her and I know you're angry but baby, don't be mad at her..." The latter is honest; the former is part of the post-affair social contract where BS gets al the protection and AP gets none if the WS wants a snowball's chance in hell of making it work.

 

I don't blame the OW for what happened with my WH - ultimately, HE had ALL the power to protect me, himself, our family AND the OW from pain and agony. But I do fault her for not making him leave me before she picked up with him. That's not about "girl code" or any religious premise, but about self-respect and common decency. "Not dating people already engaged in a relationship" seems like a pretty obvious line to draw in the sand.

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AlwaysGrowing

I don't really know why you find it disturbing. It is basic human nature.

 

An AP enters a BS life in a hurtful/painful way. It is the AP who chose to enter into someone's life this way....this is what they led with. Pain/hurt/loss was the handshake the AP extended to the BS. If the first thing someone did upon meeting them was to hurt me...I don't think pointing at them and saying that they are "bad" is all that far fetched.

 

Don't we all assess potential danger to self all day, every day? Don't we all read or pass on information to others about things that are harmful?

 

A WS didn't lead with hurt/pain/loss.....they have a full history that they share with a BS. A history that includes love, compassion, encouragement, caring, sharing, laughter, family....etc. A BS has all that with the hurt/pain/loss in their feelings/opinion of their WS.

 

Bottom line is this....we all get to decide how we enter someone's life...no matter how briefly....we either decide to enter showing the best of who we are or something else. That choice always rests with us.

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Midwestmissy

I agree with lobe - my wh most definitely wasn't seduced by the mow. He made choice after to choice to grow the affair. He's never blamed her for his decisions at all. He said he remembers the conversation that should have ended with him telling her that her behavior was unacceptable in the workplace, and that it was at that point he let the boundaries collapse. He thinks it was a combination of self loathing (I'm failing at so much, what the heck, my wife thinks I'm a loser), opportunity, and conflict avoidance (the flattery felt good, anything negative I say will shut that down). It turned very quickly into discarding me without telling me. That took the form of "mow agrees with every single thing I say. She does whatever I tell her. My wife keeps calling asking me if I'm coming home, I don't want to answer her, she's a nag. Actually, the mow never complains about anything, I'm going out to dinner with her. I make money, I should be able to come and go like I please - that's what mow does and we ARE talking about work. I don't want to go over the taxes at home. Not a sexy way to spend my night. My wife is at home alone because she wanted to be a sahm. Not my fault, I work! All I do is act responsibly. I deserve this. Everyone tells me I'm dropping the ball and acting distant except mow. Ima listen to her from now on. She's so enthusiastic about me! My wife is mean. Why is she sending me pictures of the kids Xmas pageant? She knows I'm at a meeting with mow that's going late and now I'm too drunk and can't go. She's so selfish. She tries to make me feel bad about WORK!"

 

All his choices and justifications. Anyone who has teenagers has seen this behavior when they blow through curfew, roll in at 4 am and are mad at you about it lol. I think people in genuine caring relationships friendly or romantic, don't let one another behave this way, goad each other to get to the next step. So wh and mow were in it for themselves. Interestingly, a lot of mow emails mentioned what a good person she is. Like a lot. Wh said she said it to him often too, that they were awesome people. He just listened to that and ignored anything else I guess. The good people I know dont spend any time spouting off about it. And the words don't make it so.

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In my case OW chased after my now exH but he wasnt hard to catch. She worked for him. She also happens to be related to my brothers wife which adds an element of fun to family get togethers these days.

 

Do I think she is a bad person? Yes but not because she chased after him: because of who she is in other aspects of her life too. She thought nothing of screwing my husband behind my back and then telling me about it when she thought it would get rid of me. Well that backfired and he instead got rid of her, and I ultimately got rid of him.

 

These days he appears to be more interested in what I am doing than sticking his wick in various women. Interesting because what I am doing is getting myself into the best shape I can physically and emotionally in case there are any trustworthy single men around here. Taking care of myself took a back seat for so many years of a sexless marriage.

 

OW is not a good person but Im not angry and I dont think about revenge. The best revenge is if she ends up with exH. She can have him. She actually made my life easier.

 

Having said all of that, I do not think forums that bash OW are healthy in any way. It would be hypocrisy and denial for me as a BS to post some of those things without holding my exH's feet to the fire as well.

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RecentChange

I have been both a BS - and a MM's OW (dang so many acronyms!)

 

Any way, I don't get it. Maybe its because his affair was short lived, as was mine (not these love affairs I read about on here).

 

But I didn't have any venom for the OW. I knew he lied to her. HE was the one in a relationship with me, HE was the one doing the lying - in short, she didn't know me, and really didn't owe me anything.

 

As far as I know my exMM never had a D Day - Maybe she would be convinced I was the devil if they did. But the truth was HE pursued me, he made all of the moves, he was the one who tried to dismiss it when I pointed out that he was married and it wasn't right. He is the one that kept coming back after things were broken off.

 

It may show my poor morals, but the way I saw it, if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else. I was not her problem - she recently married a man very eager to cheat - I saw that as her problem.

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I agree with lobe - my wh most definitely wasn't seduced by the mow. He made choice after to choice to grow the affair. He's never blamed her for his decisions at all. He said he remembers the conversation that should have ended with him telling her that her behavior was unacceptable in the workplace, and that it was at that point he let the boundaries collapse. He thinks it was a combination of self loathing (I'm failing at so much, what the heck, my wife thinks I'm a loser), opportunity, and conflict avoidance (the flattery felt good, anything negative I say will shut that down). It turned very quickly into discarding me without telling me. That took the form of "mow agrees with every single thing I say. She does whatever I tell her. My wife keeps calling asking me if I'm coming home, I don't want to answer her, she's a nag. Actually, the mow never complains about anything, I'm going out to dinner with her. I make money, I should be able to come and go like I please - that's what mow does and we ARE talking about work. I don't want to go over the taxes at home. Not a sexy way to spend my night. My wife is at home alone because she wanted to be a sahm. Not my fault, I work! All I do is act responsibly. I deserve this. Everyone tells me I'm dropping the ball and acting distant except mow. Ima listen to her from now on. She's so enthusiastic about me! My wife is mean. Why is she sending me pictures of the kids Xmas pageant? She knows I'm at a meeting with mow that's going late and now I'm too drunk and can't go. She's so selfish. She tries to make me feel bad about WORK!"

 

All his choices and justifications. Anyone who has teenagers has seen this behavior when they blow through curfew, roll in at 4 am and are mad at you about it lol. I think people in genuine caring relationships friendly or romantic, don't let one another behave this way, goad each other to get to the next step. So wh and mow were in it for themselves. Interestingly, a lot of mow emails mentioned what a good person she is. Like a lot. Wh said she said it to him often too, that they were awesome people. He just listened to that and ignored anything else I guess. The good people I know dont spend any time spouting off about it. And the words don't make it so.

 

If I didn't know better I'd say my husband was the same man as your husband... Precisely the train(wreck) of thought that occurred in our situation!

 

And the 4am curfew - also spot-on LOL

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In my case OW chased after my now exH but he wasnt hard to catch. She worked for him. She also happens to be related to my brothers wife which adds an element of fun to family get togethers these days.

 

Do I think she is a bad person? Yes but not because she chased after him: because of who she is in other aspects of her life too. She thought nothing of screwing my husband behind my back and then telling me about it when she thought it would get rid of me. Well that backfired and he instead got rid of her, and I ultimately got rid of him.

 

These days he appears to be more interested in what I am doing than sticking his wick in various women. Interesting because what I am doing is getting myself into the best shape I can physically and emotionally in case there are any trustworthy single men around here. Taking care of myself took a back seat for so many years of a sexless marriage.

 

OW is not a good person but Im not angry and I dont think about revenge. The best revenge is if she ends up with exH. She can have him. She actually made my life easier.

 

Having said all of that, I do not think forums that bash OW are healthy in any way. It would be hypocrisy and denial for me as a BS to post some of those things without holding my exH's feet to the fire as well.

 

This is an excellent post.

 

I'm sorry you got hurt.

 

I was (am, I said this earlier... I don't think it's something I'll ever shake from my conscience) and I now wonder if I will believe another word a man ever tells me.

 

I mentioned future faking above, the more I think about the xMM the more of this I remember.

 

I am most certainly not asking you to feel sorry for me... I think I'm saying we don't all go actively looking for married men and inevitably, we often end up completely damaged too.

 

I hope you find your happy.

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ladydesigner

I am a both a fMOW and a BS and it took me time to see that my WH was solely to blame. My WH immediately threw MOW under the bus on Dday and then sucked her back into the A again for a few more years just as he sucks me back in. My WH still tries to claim MOW manipulated him... I have to laugh every time I hear that. My answer to him is you cannot be manipulated into having an A or keeping an A. It happens and continues because both participants want it to.

 

Plus I think it is easier for some to blame an outsider over someone they have known for years in the early stages.

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I've also noticed a difference in response to those BS who have decided on R and those who have ended their relationship and told WS to sling their hook, as it were.

 

I think if you decide on R, as Lobe says, perhaps part of you needs to blame the OW.

 

If you dump their butt, you don't need this.

 

Ultimately, everyone is hurt. No-one. Absolutely no-one, is blameless.

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Jersey born raised

I think madhatters/haters do have a place that WS need to experience to some degree. To many WS lack empathy for the full extent of the pain a BS experiences. Perhaps reading their posts might wake them up.

 

For other WS these posts serve as a warning. The lashing out is not what I would want them to understand, it is that then raw emotional pain I want then to understand.

 

There is a sticky here on the responsibilities of a BS in reconcilation. It is brilliant, read it.

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This is an excellent post.

 

I'm sorry you got hurt.

 

I was (am, I said this earlier... I don't think it's something I'll ever shake from my conscience) and I now wonder if I will believe another word a man ever tells me.

 

I mentioned future faking above, the more I think about the xMM the more of this I remember.

 

I am most certainly not asking you to feel sorry for me... I think I'm saying we don't all go actively looking for married men and inevitably, we often end up completely damaged too.

 

I hope you find your happy.

 

Thank you. I wish you strength and hope you find yours too.

 

You know what's funny is that I feel the same way about never trusting another man again. Affairs destroy trust on all ends. In everyone.

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The title of this thread is interesting. IME a lot of BS do the same thing - self-flagellation. 'It must be my fault he did this' - and TBH there is a lot of BS blaming in society in general and a little on LS as well. It pours salt in some pretty big wounds. I also read some pretty horrendous forums for people in affairs (one is now out of commission as the owner decided he didn't want to host it anymore) - it was as if I was trying to read the most hurtful things - maybe for the same reasons OW read BS threads. Pain-shopping, scab-picking, like wobbling a loose tooth. Who knows.

 

For me a large part of healing was realising that I was NOT to blame - I was good enough - it wasn't my fault. There were issues to address in our marriage but none of them justified his A.

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