The "fall back" girl

[CenCali]

I've had this on and off relationship for roughly 8 years. When it all started i was only 22 and he was 32. I instantly found him, KH, to be one of the most attractive men i have ever met. He makes me laugh, he is intelligent, and honestly, the sex is always amazing. When we met he already had two kids by two different women, and was in the middle of a divorce from the second woman (his first marriage). In the early months I met both of KH's kids, they both were pretty young. We saw eachother from time to time, but nothing too serious, more of a friends with benefits arrangement.

 

Then my pregnancy happened. He was very supportive of me choosing whatever i felt was best. I was young, and I wasn't ready to have a child, so I did what was best for me. He even offered to pay, but I couldn't in good conscience take his money. He disappeared after that.

 

Fast forward about 3 years and KH contacts me out of the blue. We have a few drinks together one night, then a wild romp in the car. He then tells me of his marriage to a woman who I knew from high school and how he has another child on the way with her. We hook up a few more times after that, but I told him it needed to stop. He calls me when that relationship officially ends a few months later, but once again it only lasts a short time before he disappears once again.

 

Now to be clear, in these times he disappears I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for him. I have had my own relationships that have come and gone. And that's how I ended up getting back with KH again about 2 years ago.

 

I had been in a really serious relationship where I moved in with the guy, unfortunately the place was only about 4 blocks away from KH and I would have to drive by his place on my way to and from work each day. The guy I was dating went from the man of my dreams to the mentally abusive drunk who slept with my best friend's little sister. While still stuck in the lease, but no longer a couple, i ran into KH and old sparks reignited.

 

This time KH was getting ready to have another child with a mentally unstable woman who I was acquaintances with for a few years. (For those who are keeping track, that is child four with woman number four). His relationship with Number Four was up and down and all over the place, hot and cold from day to day, wait make that minute to minute. One moment she would say she never wanted to speak to him again, an hour later she would be professing her love to him (he showed me some of the text messages, it was insane). KH and I had started talking again, hung out a few times, completely plutonic though, we both were going through the relationship wringer. Then Number Four started contacting me. She accused me of sleeping with her man and trying to break up their family. She tapped into his video surveillance on his place, read his emails, call logs and text messages and saw me coming and going from his place. He tried to explain to her it was all on the up and up, but she wasn't going to listen. So we cut contact for a while so they could try to work things out, but that was very short lived. Once they were completely through, he hit me up again and we were back to our old shenanigans, but things seemed a bit different this time, like we had taken a step closer towards something, until I moved again. I was only a couple towns away, but he disappeared again.

 

So that pretty much brings us to where we are now. During this last disappearing act KH got married again. This time to a girl he only knew for 3 months. He met her shortly after i moved. They've been married for a little more than a year. He had to move out of his place, and she doesn't work, so they moved into her father's house. KH couldn't handle that situation, so he moved to his mother's house, she stayed at her father's. So they are now living separately and they hardly see eachother or talk. He starts to hit me up again. A week ago he takes me out for our very first "official date". We have an incredibly romantic dinner, holding hands the whole night. He tells me his plans for divorce, and how he wants to do things differently with me. That he understands how as long as we are honest and open with eachother there is no reason for cheating. It couldn't have been any more perfect. Then I could barely get a hold of him via text message all week. This morning I wake to the heart breaking text message that his wife is in the hospital delivering his child...THAT'S RIGHT, NUMBER 5!! He hasn't even mentioned that to me! I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I let my guard down a little, and everything just caved in. I'm tired of being the fall back girl between his relationships and he hand me the glimmer of hope that it could be more just to take that away again. I know the pattern, he says he will be calling me soon, the conversation will probably be that he is going to try to work things out with his wife, and how we need to not talk for a while.

 

Sorry for the rant, i just don't have anyone i can really talk to about this because of the typical "other woman" stigma.

[Breakupblues]

Wow, I am sorry you are going through such mental abuse with this guy. This doesn't sound healthy at all. I'd worrry that perhaps you subconsciously put you own life on hold waiting for this dude.

 

Do you have friends that you can discuss this situation with? It seems that you don't have any children with him. which is obviously your blessing here. No way he can take care of so many children all growing up in different households.

 

Have you tried to look at your own long term goals for a loving relationship? So instead of looking at things that may please you in the short term like the conversations and time you can have with him, his looks and what you are physically attracted to, and the sex, really looked at this man and spent thoughts whether or not you can see yourself grow old with him? How would that would look with so many other women and children involved?

 

I understand that you may be "addicted" to him, but perhaps you can make a commitment to yourself to go without talking with him for maybe 6 months? Just so you can completely detach yourself from him?

 

I'd also ask myself if this man really respects you to yoyo you around like that. This just doesn't seem like a healthy situation for you to waste your time on....

[Moxie Lady]

Hi, what kind of advice are you looking for?

 

What do you expect here? This man has no clue how to commit to anyone, do you actually think he will commit to you? Do you want to be marriage number 6 and another baby number 7? Do you seriously think he is going to suddenly change?

 

If you feel you are the "fall back girl" then that is where you have deliberately put yourself. Its your choice if that is where you want to remain. Nothing is going to change unless you change it. Will you?

Edited June 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic commentary. ~T

[Miss Clavel]

I've had this on and off relationship for roughly 8 years. When it all started i was only 22 and he was 32. I instantly found him, KH, to be one of the most attractive men i have ever met. He makes me laugh, he is intelligent, and honestly, the sex is always amazing. When we met he already had two kids by two different women,

 

He disappeared after that.

 

it only lasts a short time before he disappears once again.

 

 

 

 

 

This time KH was getting ready to have another child with a mentally unstable woman who I was acquaintances with for a few years. (For those who are keeping track, that is child four with woman number four). His relationship with Number Four was up and down and all over the place, hot and cold from day to day, wait make that minute to minute. One moment she would say she never wanted to speak to him again, an hour later she would be professing her love to him (he showed me some of the text messages, it was insane).

 

Sorry for the rant, i just don't have anyone i can really talk to about this because of the typical "other woman" stigma.

 

wash, rinse, repeat. you're stuck in the spin cycle. he cheats, he lies, he makes a child and then he disappears.

 

i'm surprised you aren't going mental by now.

 

he gives you what little he can. drive by downloads. hell, he can't even work a condom.

 

and you are not the "other women" you're the o o oW. or they are, i lost track. is that enough for you?

[burnt]

Whatever his character pathology is, he feels compelled to start 'new' relationships and make 'new' babies. Like the previous poster, I too think he made 6 babies (including yours which was terminated) with 6 different women.

 

The consistent pattern in his behavior suggests only one possibility: he will continue to do what has worked for him so far: that is, you will continue to be a fallback girl, while he continues to make more babies with more women.

 

Just curious, how much does he pay each month for child support for 5 children? Does he have any relationship with ANY of these children of his or does he cut off his children just like he cuts off the women in his life?

 

I'm rather curious about his early childhood life with his mother; does he have some sort of dysfunctional distorted inborn need to pickup and then abandon women and children.

 

Getting back to you,

no matter which way you look at it, this man is not healthy for you, or for ANY woman for that reason.

 

It won't be easy, but you will have to find a way to cut all contact with this toxic man.

[Midwestmissy]

What on earth is attractive about this man? He needs a vasectomy and an std panel. Run away!!

[BuddyX]

Being a Dad is not about biology but rather responsibility-and this guy has none. He's a sperm donor, at best.

 

You. Run away from this guy. Get yourself checked for STDs and get some counseling.

[HHewett]

Being a Dad is not about biology but rather responsibility-and this guy has none. He's a sperm donor, at best.

 

You. Run away from this guy. Get yourself checked for STDs and get some counseling.

 

I agree with all of this!

 

This guy is not a good guy & will never be. He is an awful person that has wrecked many, many peoples lives with out even blinking an eye. I wonder how many other women have chosen not to have his baby & took the route you did?

[GunslingerRoland]

That is a lot of accidental pregnancies with different women, considering how good birth control is these days. It sounds like a fetish for him. Maybe he keeps going back to you hoping that you are older now and will keep a baby when another oops happens.

[sandylee1]

Do you really need all this drama in your life?

He sounds like a nightmare and I can't ever see anything good coming from being with him.

 

He has kids all over the place like an irresponsible human being.

Disappearing like Houdini every time. Don't be a glutton for punishment.

[Lobe]

He falls back on you because a) you let him and b) you like it. It's so sweet and romantic that you guys just can't stay away from each other no matter how hard you try - and I'm not saying this facetiously, I'm extrapolating a well-known phenomenon in extramarital dating where people choose to feel powerless over the stars instead of take accountability for their selfish and careless actions. At least, that's the story I suspect you're telling yourself, despite the fact your brain is fully aware of the fact he's using women as sperm sponges in an attempt to what, singlehandedly taint the gene pool?

 

Seriously though. If you've terminated and he's had 5 babies with 5 other women, it's safe to assume he has a) babies that the moms said HELL NO am I telling him this kid is his and b) others who said HELL NO am I bringing another child into the world with this asshat.

 

You know that trust game where one person crosses their arms across their chest and falls backwards and the other person is supposed to catch them? Next time he starts tipping towards you, step aside and let him fall on his sad sack playa ass.

 

I'm not judging you right now, but if you take him back, I might question your lack of judgment. Time to put the trash OUT.

 

Run for the hills. Run far, run fast, and never look back.

[13Hearts]

When on earth are you going to start loving yourself?

[Joie]

Wow, what a sad story. It doesn't even sound like you are the OW. He honestly sounds pathological about impregnating woman. That is a lot of woman who are now raising children on their own. I have to wonder if he keeps coming back to you in an effort to 'trick' you into having another one of his offspring.

 

 

I don't even feel malice towards you because you have engaged with a married man because what he is doing to the female population is so horrible. Please don't let him treat you like this.

 

Best of Luck.

[EllyH]

I find it very sad that he is so sociopathic and I hope you find the strength to love yourself enough to find real love and happiness. Someone who will love and cherish you the way you deserve to be loved.

[Lady Hamilton]

I get that love is a crazy thing, but I have to say... There's not enough Lysol in the world.

 

And there's nothing he could ever do to make me think that once I had him that his wayward peen wasn't already working on baby number 7 with somebody else.

 

Dude is almost 40, living with his mother, with 5 kids by 5 women. That is more drama than he is worth.