jimmyrustles Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 So here's the backstory: Earlier in college last year I met a woman who is a little bit older than me (I'm in my early twenties, she's 30). I was initially attracted to her, but after asking her out on a few dates she told me she had a husband. I was bummed out at first, but I told her I'm okay with being just friends so I invited her out to get a few drinks with my friends. That night when we went out for drinks I started to notice she had feelings for me too. Fast forward a few months and we're having an affair. I never thought I'd be the kind of guy who ends up having an affair with a married woman, but hey, it happened. I end up getting a little too emotionally attached and tell her that this can't keep going on, that I eventually want a real relationship and that I'm tired of being kept a secret, yada yada. This upsets her and she goes home bawling her eyes out. I get a call from her husband and the whole conversation is awkward (up until this point he believed that we just had a "friendship" so I end up spilling the beans and tell him that it's more than that). I ended up accepting that she's going to stay with her husband (who forgave her for cheating) and now I'm moving on. The problem is that she keeps wanting to talk to me, keeps calling me, etc. One week I decided to do the "no contact" that is so highly praised. It ended up just making her upset and mad. She's told me in the past that she believes we're soulmates and that she's never enjoyed being with someone like she has with me. I really do care a lot about her. But it messes with my head when she calls me and tells me that she misses me and that she wants to spend more time together. And why is her husband okay with this? I don't get it and this whole situation is confusing me. Is she a head case or is it me that's going about this the wrong way? Some advice on what to do would be great. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Go no contact....from right now.......she is married she isnt leaving and yes this type of relationship will screw with you...her....and her husbands heads....leave her be....and find yourself a girlfriend who isnt taken and be in a relationship that you deserve to have.....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 If you don't want a relationship with her, then you need to go NC. If she gets mad, she gets mad. If you do want a relationship, realize that he forgave her, she chose to reconcile and not leave, and this is just the first full cycle of affair/discovery/breakup/reconnecting/affair/discovery, etc etc. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I agree with everything that's been said. NC is the only way. And, unfortunately, almost every affair thinks/says that they are soulmates. Mine too said we were "twin flames" and had been together in prior lives. It is almost a given that such a declaration would have been made in an affair. And it feels real. But it is more closely linked to the concept of "limerence" as opposed to mature love. It is more akin to addiction than real love. In fact, in that environment you would never know whether real love could grow, the kind which deals with daily pressures in the light of day. The stats on how often affairs succeed into the kind of relationship you eventually want, everyone wants, is dismal. Hang in there. Let her know that it has to be no contact and that it will hurt really badly but that too will pass. And there's no backsliding. Seriously, you're young. You'll never find someone who will really commit to you if you are spending your time in this A. Hang in there. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 So here's the backstory: Earlier in college last year I met a woman who is a little bit older than me (I'm in my early twenties, she's 30). I was initially attracted to her, but after asking her out on a few dates she told me she had a husband. I was bummed out at first, but I told her I'm okay with being just friends so I invited her out to get a few drinks with my friends. That night when we went out for drinks I started to notice she had feelings for me too. Fast forward a few months and we're having an affair. I never thought I'd be the kind of guy who ends up having an affair with a married woman, but hey, it happened. I end up getting a little too emotionally attached and tell her that this can't keep going on, that I eventually want a real relationship and that I'm tired of being kept a secret, yada yada. This upsets her and she goes home bawling her eyes out. I get a call from her husband and the whole conversation is awkward (up until this point he believed that we just had a "friendship" so I end up spilling the beans and tell him that it's more than that). I ended up accepting that she's going to stay with her husband (who forgave her for cheating) and now I'm moving on. The problem is that she keeps wanting to talk to me, keeps calling me, etc. One week I decided to do the "no contact" that is so highly praised. It ended up just making her upset and mad. She's told me in the past that she believes we're soulmates and that she's never enjoyed being with someone like she has with me. I really do care a lot about her. But it messes with my head when she calls me and tells me that she misses me and that she wants to spend more time together. And why is her husband okay with this? I don't get it and this whole situation is confusing me. Is she a head case or is it me that's going about this the wrong way? Some advice on what to do would be great. She's playing you like a fiddle. Really, who cares if she feels you're her soul mate, she has a husband at home! She is staying married yet wants you to be into her, be her 'friend' aka emotional affair and feed her ego. She couldn't care less how it messes with your head, or that you're hurting. End it once and for all and stay away from her. She hid the truth from you then told you she was married, that in itself should have been enough to make you walk away, but it didn't. You chose to continue on, get close, get attached and be hurt by her. If you care, love and respect yourself, walk away, tell her to never contact you again and never look back. Block her, ignore her do whatever you need to do to stay away from her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 She is selfish and self absorbed. She's feels entitled to her husband and her lover on the side. The only person she cares about is herself and what makes her feel good. If she really cared about you she would think you deserve better then to be her hidden boyfriend while she is living a full live as a married woman. If she cared about her husband she would think he deserves better than to be cheated on and then further made a fool of by her continuing to chase you after dday. She is a selfish woman who thinks everyone should cater to her wants and needs while hurting the people she claims to love. No contact all the way. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 So here's the backstory: Earlier in college last year I met a woman who is a little bit older than me (I'm in my early twenties, she's 30). I was initially attracted to her, but after asking her out on a few dates she told me she had a husband. I was bummed out at first, but I told her I'm okay with being just friends so I invited her out to get a few drinks with my friends. That night when we went out for drinks I started to notice she had feelings for me too. Fast forward a few months and we're having an affair. I never thought I'd be the kind of guy who ends up having an affair with a married woman, but hey, it happened. I end up getting a little too emotionally attached and tell her that this can't keep going on, that I eventually want a real relationship and that I'm tired of being kept a secret, yada yada. This upsets her and she goes home bawling her eyes out. I get a call from her husband and the whole conversation is awkward (up until this point he believed that we just had a "friendship" so I end up spilling the beans and tell him that it's more than that). I ended up accepting that she's going to stay with her husband (who forgave her for cheating) and now I'm moving on. The problem is that she keeps wanting to talk to me, keeps calling me, etc. One week I decided to do the "no contact" that is so highly praised. It ended up just making her upset and mad. She's told me in the past that she believes we're soulmates and that she's never enjoyed being with someone like she has with me. I really do care a lot about her. But it messes with my head when she calls me and tells me that she misses me and that she wants to spend more time together. And why is her husband okay with this? I don't get it and this whole situation is confusing me. Is she a head case or is it me that's going about this the wrong way? Some advice on what to do would be great. She's a headcase and so is her husband. There's no such thing as soulmates, except in the movies, and he's likely "forgiven" her because he cheats on her, too. Get as far away from these people as possible. Block them from your phones, your social media accounts, and your email. Ever dumped someone in high school and went on with your life? It's that easy. Get a girlfriend your own age and move on from this horrible mess you've gotten yourself into. People who marry should not marry if they're going to cheat. People who marry and then cheat are confused. Best to keep away from such confused individuals. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 You are 20 years old?! Get out there and enjoy the single life! Stop messing around with a 30 year old lady with baggage and a husband. She isn't your soulmate - more like soul sucking. She has issues - big ones (trust me lol I have them too) .. Run. You are too young and seem way to sweet to be involved with this vampire. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Call her husband every time she contacts you, she has no plans on losing her marriage so she will get pissed and leave you alone. 20 in college shhh dude, grab a keg and enjoy a care free college experience, don't let her steal that from you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I agree with giving her husband a heads up every time she contacts you. She's a nasty manipulator. And I'm pretty sure that the universe is savvy and experienced enough to connect soul mates who are not married to others. That's just how cheaters take the blame off themselves, justify and say it's beyond their control. Be free, this is the time of your life, kid. Inhale every last bit of it. Before you know it, you're going to find a woman who is also soaking up her young life and you will be able to Grow up together. It's a blast. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Put this mess behind you and move on. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oran Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Hi JS, as an OW at the end of a 3 year A with a MM, who final left his wife to live with me, to then return to his wife, my advice to you is to extricate yourself from this situation. I think many people in these scenarios, the cheating partner, idealize someone outside of the marriage believing that that person can save them somehow. Even if her husband has genuinely forgiven her, the reconciliation process as you can read about on this forum is long and arduous, it takes years. The betrayed spouse will go through periods of wanting their partner desperately, then feeling anger at their betrayal. Your exAP may be contacting you when she is getting 'flack' at home, she is still using you to shore up the things that she cannot face in her marriage. If she loved you, she would have left her partner. Even then it would have taken some time for her to heal from the broken relationship. People in unhappy marriages need to leave because they are so unhappy that they are willing to be alone rather than be in the marriage. An affair is only a halfway house, and it is an affair precisely because the cheating partner DOES NOT WANT to leave the marriage. I think in the future you would only regret any further involvement. I wish I had never started on the journey that has taken me here. Take care and look after yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Notch on the bedpost. She's 30 and probably feels her 20's passed her by being married. She sees age arriving and wants to prove to herself she still has it. That doesn't require any feelings (real or imagined) of love,on her part. You are simply an available tool to do he job she needs done on her psyche. If you were in this only for fun and games, you'd feel no discomfort at all. Mount apparently you believe that sex and love are linked. And to you they may be. But not to her. Suggestion. Become,detached and less available to her. The one in the relationship who cares the least has the most power. Right now that's her. Simply put there's no future here. End it now rather than later. Let it fizzle out or suddenly go NC and maintain it. Whichever works best for you Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 The solemates crap is said time and again. Don't waste your time and let her get as upset as she wants. Would you really ever want a wife like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I feel like I should write an "Affair Language Dictionary." Soulmates: (n) 1. the preferred term affair partners use for one another when they wish to absolve themselves of responsibility for their selfish actions by pretending to surrender to a higher power. See also "star-crossed lovers" and "past-life reunions" 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmyrustles Posted June 14, 2016 Author Share Posted June 14, 2016 I feel like I should write an "Affair Language Dictionary." Soulmates: (n) 1. the preferred term affair partners use for one another when they wish to absolve themselves of responsibility for their selfish actions by pretending to surrender to a higher power. See also "star-crossed lovers" and "past-life reunions" Lol Thanks for all your help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oran Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” Maya Angelou Link to post Share on other sites
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