Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I am NC for the fourth time. This time includes a d day and we both agreed we can't continue.

 

The first two times I ended it and he said you are the love of my life I would do anything and my marriage was dead a long time ago and she wouldn't have kids so of course I don't want to stay I want you. We waited until after the holidays.

 

He left but didn't anticipate the fallout and after he told her he said I can't but then 3 weeks later he said I can't live without you and I have to have you back and he moved out. I said ok becz I love him.

 

But then he had a d day by accident and now he says there is too much pain. He has to stay and he feels sick to say goodbye but he can't do it anymore. I said ok because that is the right thing and I am sick of a roller coaster and my bad decision.

 

So everything is blocked and I am NC and posting here. I never thought I would ever have an affair but I did and learned a lot and would never do it again. Ever.

 

If you have advice for NC I am all ears. If you are on this journey somehow I am with you. One thing I have learned is that if I am ever a BS I would forgive.

 

I feel numb. And dumb. It's like what part of married did I not understand?

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

The thing about NC.. it means just that. It's easy to understand and hard to achieve.

 

Advice:

Here I am after 8 YEARS.... REPEAT 8 YEARS just 8 weeks No Contact. It is the 3rd time for me.

 

Every other time, it involved some contact. The danger period is birthdays, Christmas and generally just feeling lonely or not having anything to do.

 

Keep busy, occupy yourself with other people and have some fun.

 

Rewards for me: My constant low level anxiety has disappeared, I am actually sleeping through the night and I can see some hope for a future.

 

Keep Posting here.

Poppy

  • Like 12
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you Poppy! And wow 8 years is a long time!! Thank you for your guidance. It means a lot!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I am NC for the fourth time.

 

If you have advice for NC I am all ears. If you are on this journey somehow I am with you. One thing I have learned is that if I am ever a BS I would forgive.

 

I feel numb. And dumb. It's like what part of married did I not understand?

 

BS here. Congratulations on deciding to go NC - I hope you find strength and support here. I'm sure you will share more of your story as time goes on. In the meantime, I only want to address what you understand of your AP being married.

 

You understood nothing and that was not entirely your fault. You were led to believe a strange concoction of half-truths and omissions that were carefully curated to create Fantasyland, a place that not only defied the space-time continuum, but where consequences were nonexistent, all morality was relative, and true love always prevailed. You can label yourself a victim but I'm happy to see that you have included language that empowers you with responsibility for participating in the ruse.

 

The very nature of affairs, exactly what makes them addictive for both APs, is exactly what makes them so painful to endure, so energy-sapping to maintain, and so painful to be stripped of. The shared secret becomes both the glue and the solvent. It is unsustainable. Despite those moments of clarity you have had (and are having) it is only too easy to fall back into the addiction of your affair.

 

Behavioural economics specialist Dan Ariely talks in great depth about our ability to enter into social contracts and the desire to tell lies for the "right" reason, both to ourselves and to our others. In lie detector tests, he puts people in a position where they have to lie for themselves v. lie for a charitable cause. People not only fool the lie detector but themselves when they believe that less harm will be done if they feel "noble" being dishonest. (You can watch his tedtalks, his netflix documentary, or access his dissertation and papers online, depending on how much reading you want to do...) I think your xMM wanted to make you feel secure and wanted to make his BS feel secure, without the guilt, and you were easily caught in his web of lies.

 

You need to BUILD yourself up not BEAT yourself up. In IC my therapist asked me to write a letter giving advice to my WH and his OW as if I was the BFF. Even if you don't ever send them, I am suggesting you write a letter to your MM and his BS as if you wee giving advice to your son or brother or nephew or daughter, niece, sister respectively. It puts an interesting spin on reality, as long as you're willing to put aside the convenient lies you've both created and accepted to sustain the relationship.

 

Healing comes. Support is here. Borrow strength from us - it may not always be what you "want" to hear, but it's usually what you "need" to hear. You've got a long road of self-examination ahead, and there are many here to help.

 

A reluctant welcome to you.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi Lobe,

 

Thank you for the validation and kind response. Your explanation is very detailed and interesting and surely explains it. Your letter idea is good too.

 

At first we were just friends and I didn't know he was married because there was no ring. Then we texted and saw each other at events then it slipped to EA and he asked me out and after he kissed me then I asked are you married and he said yes. So I said no way. But that eroded after a friendship and he convinced me he would only want to be with me that I was u expected and the love of his life. We were full on EA PA and in love. We lasted over a year. They were separated and ready to file when ddAy hit. And now it's all gone. And that's ok. He is weak and doesn't want to deal with the fallout so that is my answer.

 

But I am done. The end!

 

I am NC after sending a nice short thank you letter in reply to his email. And most importantly there will be no more contact. I have him blocked and will not respond because I am done. I have peace. Reading all the posts here makes me understand. I think it takes some straw to reach done and I have reached that straw.

 

I will date and find the one. That is a much better endeavor when I am healed.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Pooldog

 

I read your thread and can see the parallels with my own situation. My A was 3 years, started off as friendship, EA, became PA. D-day happened, we were then living together when BS turned up with a lawyers letter citing the date of their separation and requesting information about his financial situation as it was time to split the marital assets. All of a sudden I was no longer the love of his life, and his attention was on reconciliation with his BS.

 

AP is not the man I thought he was. I am not the woman I thought I was. And no doubt, BS is not the woman we portrayed her to be.

 

For me this is a period of harsh truths, which I have been burying. But the realizations make NC easier.

 

Stay strong. Reclaim your life. I wish you all the best.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

Both Pooldog and OP congrats on the NC. Make sure you stay on this message board and warn others who are trying to justify their affair.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oran I can't imagine your ordeal after living together! One would have thought the coast was clear.

 

I will say that the strong chemistry coupled with the EA and the heavy pursuit by the MM is what makes it so appealing. He was in love. He would drive hours just to have coffee. He was smitten. It's hard not to respond to that level of "into you" which is how I got trapped and said maybe it's worth a try maybe it will be okay and we both said we never had an affair before nor would we do it again. When you contrast his approach with the hard to navigate dating world of so many misfits and men who don't even want a real or good relationship (I have over a decade of trying after a divorce) it is easy to get sucked in and believe the marriage is dead and especially without them having kids.

 

I also saw first hand how she treated him with long absences due to work and sporting events and very critical and mean. So it was easy for him to fall for me and we had so much chemistry and compatibility. We were human and also unsuspecting of our delusion. He is spineless to sweep everything under the rug and hide things from her it is a common character flaw. But none of it makes it right of course. Married is married.

 

I did learn that I would never ever take a husband for granted or be so mean like her not that I ever did and that if he had an affair and then said he was sorry I would understand and forgive.

 

I will date again and be ok. It is a harsh reality of meeting people who don't look like their picture and who drink too much or have really messed up lives from poor decisions or they want to ride a motorcycle or smoke pot or not even have a real relationship. The older we get the harder it is to find a match. I think wives don't realize that part hence another lesson. But it only takes one and I have an empty nest and am in a good area. So I can do it. I am dedicated to my goal of finding the one for me more than just him. I was in an abusive marriage so I won't put up with anything that is not right. I want a happy marriage with a man who adores me.

 

Thank you to all who post. I like this big board of so many voices and stories. It helped me the entire time. I would never ever be with a MM again. But I do appreciate his effort. I am not mad just awake so to speak.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

One more lesson I learned is how easy it is for people to have an affair. I don't think I would ever let my guard down and I would seek the kind of man who wants a good relationship and who is honest and strong. Not a rug sweeper who avoids all stress and conflict!!

 

I took a peak at Tinder and there are so many married men there mixed in with men looking for their last date and the one. It is shocking. What has our world become?

 

On a bright note there is a widower who says he is ready to find the one who wants to meet and I thought why not so now I have a date!

 

I feel ready to not spend weekends alone or be with a spineless man whose crumbs got stale.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lovetoohard

Pooldog,

 

You sound like you're very strong and really ready to move forward with your life in a healthy way. Hindsight is of course, 20/20 and I think most of us wish we had the foresight to really know how awful this journey would be. I, for one, can certainly relate to feeling "numb" and "dumb." I don't have any advice for NC as I have been in very limited contact with my xMM, mostly all initiated by him, but I think you now know that the pain of being in the affair far outweighs the pain of being out of it, so keep that in mind every time you encounter a pitfall in your healing journey.

 

Best wishes to you...

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
rumblefish12

Pooldog -- It sounds like you've hit that point and that is the most important thing in standing firm when the urges come, and they will come. My AP and I were over 3 years, and more than a dozen NCs initiated by both of us at various times. She is married with kids as am I. I didn't want to end my marriage, she wanted to end hers. In the end I'm certain she's glad she didn't end her marriage, as bad as it was at times. We are now about 2.5 months NC.

Poppy -- you are so right about birthdays, etc. Mine was 3 days ago and I was looking for smoke signals from her. Today is her birthday and the temptation is there, but I know where it could lead. I can't go down that road.

It's amazing there was no DDay for us. I'm realistic enough to know that still could come, but at least for now it hasn't. When I think about her I try not to obsess. In my mind I hope she finds happiness; I know I couldn't give her that and that I was blocking any chance she might have of that.

Stay strong. I say that as much for myself as for you. This is a safe place from what I can tell. There's a lot of wisdom here. Let's use it.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Lovetoohard I am sorry you have the wasted years and the pain too and you are right that to be in means more pain and wasted time when they wont make things right and pick. I said many times I don't want to be mistress and it is better for you to stay married but he always insisted that he wanted me. He was immature and naive. He only wanted me if it meant his wife would just allow an easy divorce. And I was the same to believe he could do it and handle it.

 

But I am not wasting any more time or allowing this to dictate my life. And I won't respond to any more contact or take him back. He crossed the line for too much deception rather than saying hey this is what I want. He screwed both of us really. I hope they can work things out. For their sake.

 

Anyway, it is nice to meet someone on the journey and I hope you find peace. Thank you for your kind words.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Oran I can't imagine your ordeal after living together! One would have thought the coast was clear.

 

I will say that the strong chemistry coupled with the EA and the heavy pursuit by the MM is what makes it so appealing. He was in love. He would drive hours just to have coffee. He was smitten. It's hard not to respond to that level of "into you" which is how I got trapped and said maybe it's worth a try maybe it will be okay and we both said we never had an affair before nor would we do it again. When you contrast his approach with the hard to navigate dating world of so many misfits and men who don't even want a real or good relationship (I have over a decade of trying after a divorce) it is easy to get sucked in and believe the marriage is dead and especially without them having kids.

 

I also saw first hand how she treated him with long absences due to work and sporting events and very critical and mean. So it was easy for him to fall for me and we had so much chemistry and compatibility. We were human and also unsuspecting of our delusion. He is spineless to sweep everything under the rug and hide things from her it is a common character flaw. But none of it makes it right of course. Married is married.

 

Hey Pooldog, yeah, I wonder now whether exAP was getting back at his BS, she had left him for another person when they were engaged for another man, and she left him after a year of marriage - ran away to another city. He told me this, and she told me that when we met face to face. I wonder now whether there was a simmering resentment there all these years and he's simply done the same to her, to get her back.

 

You're so right. Married is married and I could kick myself in the teeth for ever getting involved in any of this.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oran that sounds like a messy situation and you gave it your best shot and got the wrong end of the deal. But I can see where the pitch sounded good. I read your other thread and I think you should have firm NC and delete all messages. There is no need to go back into the pig mud pond and get dirty again.

 

I was reflecting more this morning and I did not give him any more slack than someone I am dating. You get so much time and if it does not progress you are out and that is where I am at now. As I said I am committed to finding the one for me. I can understand where he was unhappy in his marriage and wanted a shot at me because he was smitten. And I gave him a shot. But the price is too big for him even though he tried. I would not do it again.

 

The only good thing really is that it was all a secret so I don't have the agony of explaining a failed relationship to everyone I know; rather it just disappears quietly. I understand that just being yourself and getting out there will find the right one. The first time we met I was in old clothes with glasses and no makeup and he was always very attracted to me. On our last night together a waitress commented that we looked like the best couple she has ever seen. So I do know how that feels and will hold my standards high for my dating process. So I just have to find this in a single version that is a nice match. I don't need the affair fog and crazy. Just enough.

 

I guess we fall in an affair by accident but we get out on purpose! It has a feel bad element, though. I would not do it again. I have also learned that no ring does not mean no marriage and I would not marry a man who does not wear a ring. That was also a problem that caused the slippery slope. He misrepresented himself.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

snip

 

If you have advice for NC I am all ears. If you are on this journey somehow I am with you. One thing I have learned is that if I am ever a BS I would forgive.

 

I feel numb. And dumb. It's like what part of married did I not understand?

 

Be aware that if he really wants to contact you, he will probably find a way through your blocks.

 

If that happens, you must ignore what he says, and not respond, no matter what.

 

Then you block the hole he used to get to you.

 

This might happen more than once, but you must continue to ignore him, and block him again.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you, Satu. I am sure you are right 100% and that he will come back some way at some time because it is an endless cycle unless we stop it and say no and he has done that already. And I know I hit that point that I would not say yes anymore or converse anymore!

 

I really appreciate you taking the time to remind me and to write to me!!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you, Satu. I am sure you are right 100% and that he will come back some way at some time because it is an endless cycle unless we stop it and say no and he has done that already. And I know I hit that point that I would not say yes anymore or converse anymore!

 

I really appreciate you taking the time to remind me and to write to me!!

 

Welcome to Loveshack!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ok I had a date with a nice widower and he asked me out for a second date.

 

The contrast is stark but I want real not fog.

 

J

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It takes a long time to be ready for dating and getting involved with another person.

 

Is it fair to the man you dated?

 

Are you really ready?

Poppy

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It takes a long time to be ready for dating and getting involved with another person.

 

Is it fair to the man you dated?

 

Are you really ready?

Poppy

 

I am ready. And dating is like 50 minutes of iced tea with a man who is probably dating 8 other people online. It surely is not an instant relationship. In midlife it is very hard to find a match with mutual romantic goals. This one and I had actually been communicating online for a while and he just dumped his GF and insisted we meet now before a trip. It was a pleasant start to the process.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
snip

 

 

Be aware that if he really wants to contact you, he will probably find a way through your blocks.

 

If that happens, you must ignore what he says, and not respond, no matter what.

 

Then you block the hole he used to get to you.

 

This might happen more than once, but you must continue to ignore him, and block him again.

 

 

Take care.

 

Satu last night he emails that he wrote me a letter. But he forgot to attach it. I deleted it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Satu last night he emails that he wrote me a letter. But he forgot to attach it. I deleted it!

 

 

You sound so strong, pooldog.

Keep walking away from this nonsense.

He's made his choice, now he has to live with it, and he is not going to like it.

But he is no longer your concern, keep deleting his crumbs.

Best wishes xo

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You sound so strong, pooldog.

Keep walking away from this nonsense.

He's made his choice, now he has to live with it, and he is not going to like it.

But he is no longer your concern, keep deleting his crumbs.

Best wishes xo

 

Thank you!! Dating and all the online dating nonsense has kept me busy. I get sad thoughts sometimes but they come and go and mostly my days are busy and good and the clarity is better now than ever.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Satu last night he emails that he wrote me a letter. But he forgot to attach it. I deleted it!

 

Well he mailed it!

 

My saga continues.

 

He snail mailed a long letter today (came in a UPS box with my stuff) and I fell on the floor reading it. The letter said he is a bad mess after dday. He did not go back with her he is in a motel because her mother moved in and he misses me. On one hand he wants a life with me but on the other hand the drama of hurting his wife after dday and pissing off all of his friends who now know make him feel bad. But he does not love her anymore and he wants us. I think what he wants is us without the drama. He thought I was so mad after dday so he said he understood he wishes me well. So I texted him and we hashed it out and then we spoke on the phone.

 

I said it would be much easier to stay married and you can repair your marriage and get over the loss of me and I can heal and be okay too but I cannot be friends - you have to pick. He says that is easier short term but he does not want to be with her because they have drifted apart and they do not have kids and they already tried all of these years and are really just like brother and sister and he cannot imagine life without me there has been no one else like me and he loves me and he cried. They were in the midst of separation when dday happened and I got the I can't do this anymore letter and went no contact number four. I thought I was doing okay because I thought they got back together that is what usually happens after dday. I spent hours and hours reading that on the infidelity forums and imagining them together so I would get over it.

 

So, I said, take a week to think about what you want. I love you enough to say I can let you go because to stay is easier but I also want you and us. But I can't keep my life on hold forever and it is not fair to stay on hold for everyone. You have to decide and pick a path. He is in a hotel so i said we still have a chance!

 

OMG.

 

I think a TV show called "Affairs" would be very interesting.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...