Can I go mostly quiet?

[Ophelia25]

Please forgive the new thread. I just want to go from here for the time being, without tons of background and all the people who see my thread and say, "Oh, I read that already, she's boring, I'll skip it." I'm working on one day at at a time and today was a really hard one. I feel like I'm on the verge of something maybe, but I don't know how to make it happen. I still don't feel strong enough to initiate NC. But I have to make some kind of progress, or just jump into this headfirst and start the destruction.

 

I have told him how I feel, but I do it subtly, in a blog that I know he looks at, but never really talks about. It's a journal of sorts, but only the AP has access to it. Every once in awhile I write something startling enough to be disconcerting, and he will address it and give a lame apology for hurting me or for failing me, then just move on to the fun sex parts that he much prefers. I just don't think I can keep it up anymore. I hate believing that my emotional attachment and his insistence on distance is merely a difference between the sexes, but perhaps it's just that. Or maybe I gave too much and he lost the thrill of pursuit but just can't completely let go of me. I don't know, but I feel like I've tried to explain it 19 different ways for years and we go nowhere.

 

Should I make one more attempt, in person (well perhaps on the phone, face to face just makes us wanna have sex) to get some response out of him? To make him say stay or go, to force him to some kind of something? Honestly, I don't even think I want him to say, "I'll leave my wife, you leave your husband, let's run off." I want him to say, we should do what's right but know that we love each other, or, lets mess around with a certain agreed upon set of guidelines so you can know what to expect. Or let's get caught and go down in a blaze. I don't know. I realize trying to be friends is just silly. But I'm worn out from doing everything he asks of me with no regard for how I think and feel. I am so alone and so ignored.

 

If I can't go silent, what is the best course of action? Courteous, but distant? Angry and hostile? Emotionless? How can I get the message across without bombarding him with a miserable, quivering, weeping pile of emotion that will just backfire completely?

[Maddieandtae]

You could direct him to this post? You seem to have captured pretty much how you feel although you might want to tidy it up a bit and leave the most important bit:

 

"lame apology for hurting me or for failing me, then just move on to the fun sex parts that he much prefers."

 

Because that just sucks and you should want more than that for yourself:(

[jenkins95]

(((Ophelia)))

 

Sorry you are feeling so down. I know you are in a horrible place - but it won't be forever. Let us try to help you and maybe pick out some clarity from the mess you feel you are in.

 

I'll do my usual thing of picking a few points out and commenting...

 

I just don't think I can keep it up anymore. I hate believing that my emotional attachment and his insistence on distance is merely a difference between the sexes, but perhaps it's just that

 

Sadly, I think it IS pretty much that. MMs tend to love the light, exciting, escapist, sexy parts to the affair, but tend to pull back and feel pressured when it starts getting "heavy". I was the same. But, as I've said many times, this does NOT mean that he does not care for you or have deep feelings - I'm quite sure he does. It is taking me a very long time to get over my OW. It's just that us MM have our head in the clouds, we are emotionally immature, good at compartmentalising and we actively avoid facing the difficult stuff head on. When we are forced to, our reaction is often to pull away. When we perceive the OW needs more, we often just can't understand why she doesn't just stop "spoiling things" by getting heavy and just continue to have fun.

 

I don't even think I want him to say, "I'll leave my wife, you leave your husband, let's run off." I want him to say, we should do what's right but know that we love each other, or, lets mess around with a certain agreed upon set of guidelines so you can know what to expect. Or let's get caught and go down in a blaze.

 

Ophelia, as a MM, I think that by far the most likely of these going round in his head is "lets mess around with a certain agreed upon set of guidelines so you can know what to expect". In fact, in the absence of him actually saying anything else, I would suggest that he assumes that this is the mutually accepted unspoken agreed position as it is likely how the A started? But you've pretty much said that this is no longer satisfactory for you, right? You may put up with it for a little longer fooling him and yourself that it's fine, but secretly you would probably be dying inside wanting more and hoping that he will eventually man up and start treating this seriously - which he sadly unlikely ever will, and you will be stuck indefinitely in this unsatisfying stalemate.

 

I realize trying to be friends is just silly. But I'm worn out from doing everything he asks of me with no regard for how I think and feel. I am so alone and so ignored.

 

Yes, "just friends" is almost impossible given what you've been through. It's horrible that you feel so alone and so ignored...another little (((hug))). He may love you very much, I would actually be surprised if he didn't, but sadly, he is just not in a position to give you what you need and at the same time he can't give you up, so things limp on in this awful limbo and each day is another day of pain for you and another day that you could have been recovering

 

If I can't go silent, what is the best course of action? Courteous, but distant? Angry and hostile? Emotionless? How can I get the message across without bombarding him with a miserable, quivering, weeping pile of emotion that will just backfire completely?

 

Ophelia, are you absolutely sure you can't go silent? I strongly recommend it if you can. NC = no new hurts and is pretty much the only guaranteed path to recovery. The thing is, I don't think you need to explain yourself to him and get your message across as you've done it "19 different ways". I'm sure he gets it loud and clear, he just doesn't know what to do about it, feels powerless to change anything, and hopes by avoiding it, it will just "go away". Yes, us MM really can be that emotionally immature sometimes - I was myself.

 

Apart from anything else, if there is any chance of you guys being together, I think the very best chance you have is of going silent on him. If he sees that you are being strong and trying to move on and knows that he is in very real danger of losing you, then it might shock him into action.

 

Please try to get out now Ophelia. I know how brutally heart breaking it is, but know that you can do it and we are here for you. My own A dragged on for a few months in this awful limbo period. A very unsatisfactory truce that we limped through, both dying inside. In the end, we couldn't take any more. NC is a very daunting prospect and hurts like hell to start with......but it works.

 

We are here with you O - keep posting.

Edited June 7, 2016 by jenkins95

[burnt]

I don't know.

 

Your entire post can be summarized in this one sentence: "I don't know". Precisely, in fact, all OW experiences can also be summed up to this one emotion: confusion.

 

So, my first comment is that you should try to recognize that this foggy state of confusion is normal and only time and complete NC clears out the fog.

 

This blog is a major mistake. You write your own blog, but because he reads it I bet with all my money that when you write in this blog all you can think about is how HE will respond or not respond, what he might say and what he might feel.

 

Therefore, this entire blogging is serving only one purpose: to perpetuate the emotional affair through the backdoor; it's in a way worse than you talking to him everyday, because it's like you are talking to him and once in a while he responds to your messages and all the while you are just waiting at his feet to just spare you a minute.

 

The closure you are hoping for will not come from him.

"Closure comes from within."

You have heard this above line billions of times before, and guess what, it's true.

 

There's nothing he can say or do in the world that will give you peace.

 

Absolute utter complete forever NO CONTACT is the only solution.

You will feel utter pain, but you are given no other option.

[jenkins95]

From my own experience reading about hundreds of As and what I went through in my own A, there is a stereotypical pattern into which your A appears to fit.

 

Most As start in a light, sexy, easy, exciting, fun, naughty way. As things proceed, the OW constantly strives to "move to the next step", to make things more serious, to get some commitment from the MM. At the same time, the MM is doing exactly the opposite. He wants the A to stay exactly as it was in the beginning - fun, exciting, laughter, lots of great sex, no strings, peace when he is with his family.

 

As things move on, a sort of middle ground develops. Things inevitably do get a little more serious, the MM does (and he wants to) spend more time and effort on the OW, the "I love yous" start and so on.

 

But there seems to be a critical point at which the MM starts to feel increasingly uncomfortable and probably privately spends a lot of time worrying and wondering how things got this far, this was meant to be fun, now it is quite stressful, etc. He may also become aware of how deeply he's fallen for the OW and start to get confused about his own marriage, etc. Again, this is a very uncomfortable realisation, and wasn't meant to happen. He may start to increasingly withdraw and bury his head in the sand at this stage. At the same time the OW is becoming increasingly frustrated: he's spending more time with me, he tells me he loves me, but why is he now pulling back, why does he avoid the big questions. What is going on?

 

I realise that this is a massive generalisation, but we do see the pattern over and over again.

 

It's sad and it causes so much pain and frustration to so many people. Bottom line, affairs are a very bad idea, but sadly they are very easy to fall into...and a nightmare to get out of.

 

NC is the only reliable exit strategy unfortunately.

 

We are here Ophelia, whichever way you decide to go with this. Keep posting. When you are happy again, just think how great it will feel.

Edited June 7, 2016 by jenkins95

[HeCantBreakMe]

I honestly cannot add much more than Jenkins did. You have a man's perspective right there who lived the side your MM is living right now. Listen to him!

 

The only thing I can add is I hoped, begged, and prayed for the same thing. I wanted my exMM to be the one to make the decision to either be with me or end the affair, but he always said he could never let me go. He said he would never be able to walk away from me- interpretation "I will not leave my wife no matter how much I say I will but I will also not leave you because you continue to give me everything I want while she gives me everything I need". I cried to him saying he was breaking me by not letting me go and not fully being with me and he said I just need to be patient and that he loved me. BLAH BLAH BLAH. .

 

In the end the truth is it isn't going to be him to go quietly in the night it is going to be you that has to have the strength and determination to walk away. You can go quietly in the night you can go with a bang as long as you GO and never look back. You are strong enough no matter if you tell yourself you are not. You are worth more than scraps of his time. You are determined enough to make the move to end it. You can do it! Others who have walked this path before have done it and we/us/they are no different and their affairs were no different then yours.

 

Ask yourself this, would you rather be the one to walk away with your head held high or you would rather there be a D-day where he looks at you with hatred, throws you under the bus and then ghosts you? Ask yourself what will hurt worse- its an ugly truth but a truth nonetheless.

[burnt]

Jenkins, this is an amazingly accurate and painfully insightful post. Very well put.

 

From my own experience reading about hundreds of As and what I went through in my own A, there is a stereotypical pattern into which your A appears to fit.

 

Most As start in a light, sexy, easy, exciting, fun, naughty way. As things proceed, the OW constantly strives to "move to the next step", to make things more serious, to get some commitment from the MM. At the same time, the MM is doing exactly the opposite. He wants the A to stay exactly as it was in the beginning - fun, exciting, laughter, lots of great sex, no strings, peace when he is with his family.

 

As things move on, a sort of middle ground develops. Things inevitably do get a little more serious, the MM does (and he wants to) spend more time and effort on the OW, the "I love yous" start and so on.

 

But there seems to be a critical point at which the MM starts to feel increasingly uncomfortable and probably privately spends a lot of time worrying and wondering how things got this far, this was meant to be fun, now it is quite stressful, etc. He may also become aware of how deeply he's fallen for the OW and start to get confused about his own marriage, etc. Again, this is a very uncomfortable realisation, and wasn't meant to happen. He may start to increasingly withdraw and bury his head in the sand at this stage. At the same time the OW is becoming increasingly frustrated: he's spending more time with me, he tells me he loves me, but why is he now pulling back, why does he avoid the big questions. What is going on?

 

I realise that this is a massive generalisation, but we do see the pattern over and over again.

 

It's sad and it causes so much pain and frustration to so many people. Bottom line, affairs are a very bad idea, but sadly they are very easy to fall into...and a nightmare to get out of.

 

NC is the only reliable exit strategy unfortunately.

 

We are here Ophelia, whichever way you decide to go with this. Keep posting. When you are happy again, just think how great it will feel.

[Ophelia25]

(((Ophelia)))

 

Sorry you are feeling so down. I know you are in a horrible place - but it won't be forever. Let us try to help you and maybe pick out some clarity from the mess you feel you are in.

 

I'll do my usual thing of picking a few points out and commenting...

 

 

 

Sadly, I think it IS pretty much that. MMs tend to love the light, exciting, escapist, sexy parts to the affair, but tend to pull back and feel pressured when it starts getting "heavy". I was the same. But, as I've said many times, this does NOT mean that he does not care for you or have deep feelings - I'm quite sure he does. It is taking me a very long time to get over my OW. It's just that us MM have our head in the clouds, we are emotionally immature, good at compartmentalising and we actively avoid facing the difficult stuff head on. When we are forced to, our reaction is often to pull away. When we perceive the OW needs more, we often just can't understand why she doesn't just stop "spoiling things" by getting heavy and just continue to have fun.

 

 

 

Ophelia, as a MM, I think that by far the most likely of these going round in his head is "lets mess around with a certain agreed upon set of guidelines so you can know what to expect". In fact, in the absence of him actually saying anything else, I would suggest that he assumes that this is the mutually accepted unspoken agreed position as it is likely how the A started? But you've pretty much said that this is no longer satisfactory for you, right? You may put up with it for a little longer fooling him and yourself that it's fine, but secretly you would probably be dying inside wanting more and hoping that he will eventually man up and start treating this seriously - which he sadly unlikely ever will, and you will be stuck indefinitely in this unsatisfying stalemate.

 

 

 

Yes, "just friends" is almost impossible given what you've been through. It's horrible that you feel so alone and so ignored...another little (((hug))). He may love you very much, I would actually be surprised if he didn't, but sadly, he is just not in a position to give you what you need and at the same time he can't give you up, so things limp on in this awful limbo and each day is another day of pain for you and another day that you could have been recovering

 

 

 

Ophelia, are you absolutely sure you can't go silent? I strongly recommend it if you can. NC = no new hurts and is pretty much the only guaranteed path to recovery. The thing is, I don't think you need to explain yourself to him and get your message across as you've done it "19 different ways". I'm sure he gets it loud and clear, he just doesn't know what to do about it, feels powerless to change anything, and hopes by avoiding it, it will just "go away". Yes, us MM really can be that emotionally immature sometimes - I was myself.

 

Apart from anything else, if there is any chance of you guys being together, I think the very best chance you have is of going silent on him. If he sees that you are being strong and trying to move on and knows that he is in very real danger of losing you, then it might shock him into action.

 

Please try to get out now Ophelia. I know how brutally heart breaking it is, but know that you can do it and we are here for you. My own A dragged on for a few months in this awful limbo period. A very unsatisfactory truce that we limped through, both dying inside. In the end, we couldn't take any more. NC is a very daunting prospect and hurts like hell to start with......but it works.

 

We are here with you O - keep posting.

 

This helped me a lot, I'm working very hard to try to see things from his perspective rather than just generalize about how awful he is making me feel and how horrible he is (ha, not that that might not be true), and this feels like closer to what his perspective might be.

 

I'll try to keep posting, I'm drowning a little these days. And I do think probably NC is the answer, it's just so ridiculous to keep trying it and failing and starting over - like I have a couple weeks of absolute misery and torture for no real reason, and I fear that doing it when I don't WANT to would just repeat the cycle. But, maybe even if I do it for the wrong reasons, it will force something to happen. We will realize we are happier without this craziness or he will realize he can't be without me and will make some changes. The first is better, I know.

[ChickiePops]

This helped me a lot, I'm working very hard to try to see things from his perspective rather than just generalize about how awful he is making me feel and how horrible he is (ha, not that that might not be true), and this feels like closer to what his perspective might be.

 

I'll try to keep posting, I'm drowning a little these days. And I do think probably NC is the answer, it's just so ridiculous to keep trying it and failing and starting over - like I have a couple weeks of absolute misery and torture for no real reason, and I fear that doing it when I don't WANT to would just repeat the cycle. But, maybe even if I do it for the wrong reasons, it will force something to happen. We will realize we are happier without this craziness or he will realize he can't be without me and will make some changes. The first is better, I know.

 

What do you mean 'for no real reason'? The reason would be to stop the affair..that's an excellent reason...

[privategal]

You likely have gone NC half heartedly each time hoping it will make him come around, basically forcing the pull in the push/pull cycle by ignoring him.

So the reason your in misery is he takes too long to come back and pull and your waiting during NC.

 

True NC is blocked, black, no way to you, no waiting. It is for healing. If you do it lomg enough there is a breakthrough. The fog lifts. You start to think Im doing this. Its like when you first learn to swim without floaties or ride a bike without training wheels.

You find your balance.

You have never approached NC as a way of being d-o-n-e forever.

 

And if you dont want to be done, stop trying to end it.

Accept the rollercoaster and the ups and downs and relax into the A and ride the wave of it.

Stop questioning it...youve been in it long enough to KNOW him...know his patterns...know he will be in and out.

Stop trying to analyze and change and suffer and cry.

Basically O...meant so kindly but...grow up.

You either are in or out now.

Are you asking for advice how to be a little less in?

It makes no sense?

Mostly quiet?

Whats the point.

Accept the cycle or exercise NC properly and dont expect it to help or work overnight or be some magic formula.

You heal slowly and you dont ever forget either. You just reach a peak where it hurts less and less and new plateaus of healing mixed with dark and painful days all the while getting better.

NC is freedom.

Join those of us in it.

I hope you can youve suffered so long.

[Ophelia25]

What do you mean 'for no real reason'? The reason would be to stop the affair..that's an excellent reason...

 

Yes, you are right, it's an excellent reason. I just meant that when we fail at NC, which is what has happened the 4 or 5 times we've tried, I feel as if I've spent weeks working so hard at something that ripped me up immeasurably only to be sucked back in again. For the record (not that it matters, really) I have never initiated no contact, but have always upheld it when he and/or his wife requested it. Not that it makes me superior in any way, it just means that I'm too wussy to initiate it, and if and when I do, I will mean it and it will be permanent, which is why I'm terrified to do so. I keep thinking I'll get to the point where it hurts so much or someone is so angry that NC is clearly the right and only option. I'm just learning, I guess, that it's not so cut and dry. I have to do it because nothing else will work as well, not because there is no other choice.

[Ophelia25]

You likely have gone NC half heartedly each time hoping it will make him come around, basically forcing the pull in the push/pull cycle by ignoring him.

So the reason your in misery is he takes too long to come back and pull and your waiting during NC.

 

True NC is blocked, black, no way to you, no waiting. It is for healing. If you do it lomg enough there is a breakthrough. The fog lifts. You start to think Im doing this. Its like when you first learn to swim without floaties or ride a bike without training wheels.

You find your balance.

You have never approached NC as a way of being d-o-n-e forever.

 

And if you dont want to be done, stop trying to end it.

Accept the rollercoaster and the ups and downs and relax into the A and ride the wave of it.

Stop questioning it...youve been in it long enough to KNOW him...know his patterns...know he will be in and out.

Stop trying to analyze and change and suffer and cry.

Basically O...meant so kindly but...grow up.

You either are in or out now.

Are you asking for advice how to be a little less in?

It makes no sense?

Mostly quiet?

Whats the point.

Accept the cycle or exercise NC properly and dont expect it to help or work overnight or be some magic formula.

You heal slowly and you dont ever forget either. You just reach a peak where it hurts less and less and new plateaus of healing mixed with dark and painful days all the while getting better.

NC is freedom.

Join those of us in it.

I hope you can youve suffered so long.

 

Thank you. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to manage the middle ground until I either muster up the strength to end it or figure out how to make it work better. I know there are people on here in all stages of affairs, and while the most successful, most free, (most grown-up?) ones are well into NC, there are also newbies and those who keep going back and those who fail over and over and those who really believe they are separated from the one they should be with but are determined because of duty or fear or children or religion or whatever that they cannot pursue it. Perhaps maturity is the key player in these situations, and I can, through some discovery that I have not made yet, progress to where I see that NC is the only choice. You are right, I don't want to be done. I want to learn how to WANT to be done, and if I can't be done, I want to learn how to stop analyzing the roller coaster and being hurt by it repeatedly. To just let it go and wait and see what happens. But can I do that without feeling completely at his mercy and stepped on and used and defeated? Or am I defeated simply by not wanting it to end?

 

I have been trying to work through some of this with the therapist, but she essentially says that I have to determine what I want before I can really do anything different. I've been stuck not knowing what I want and not knowing how to figure that out for years now. Maybe even 20-several years, when the AP and I separated as teenagers.And perhaps the fact that we were so young in our relationship makes me regress?

 

And yes, I do want to be "a little less in," the point being to stop trying to get more out of him when he clearly has reached his max and thereby making us both even more unhappy. Is it possible for me to adapt the same attitude that he seems to have about it? Can I learn to compartmentalize and pull away and ignore it too? If he can, it must be possible. I suppose in these awful relationships one person always has to be more or less interested, and I was less at first, and he pursued me hard core, and then when I came around, he got scared and ran away. So, can I turn the tables back? Can I feel confident pulling away and not need him and not cry and not feel ignored for awhile? Can it just keep going back and forth forever? Is that what he wants? Or is going stone silent on him forever and permanently the only real solution, whether or not it's what I want? At least it's the "right" thing to do. I think.

[ChickiePops]

Yes, you are right, it's an excellent reason. I just meant that when we fail at NC, which is what has happened the 4 or 5 times we've tried, I feel as if I've spent weeks working so hard at something that ripped me up immeasurably only to be sucked back in again. For the record (not that it matters, really) I have never initiated no contact, but have always upheld it when he and/or his wife requested it. Not that it makes me superior in any way, it just means that I'm too wussy to initiate it, and if and when I do, I will mean it and it will be permanent, which is why I'm terrified to do so. I keep thinking I'll get to the point where it hurts so much or someone is so angry that NC is clearly the right and only option. I'm just learning, I guess, that it's not so cut and dry. I have to do it because nothing else will work as well, not because there is no other choice.

 

 

It's not NC if you're expecting to fail at it. It's just unnecessary drama. You're obviously only going along with it because you're hoping that THIS will be the time where he realizes he cannot live without you and leaves his wife for you.

 

It actually does matter that you've never initiated. It means that he actually really does want to let you go, and then one of you has a moment of weakness, you both give in, and the cycle starts all over again.

 

He obviously wants out. He's not going to choose you. He's just not that into you. So choose yourself and get out.

 

And don't say you can't, because you absolutely can.

[ShatteredLady]

You started this thread by saying that you didn't want to go over old ground so let me treat you like a new member...

 

Hi. I'm completely messed-up & stressed-out too! Mine are very different reasons but it really doesn't matter. I know what it feels like to be suffering so much pain that your head just keeps spinning & can't even imagine what the path to happiness would look like!

 

One thing... I think your therapist is correct. Reading this whole thread I kept thinking "What do YOU want?". There's no such thing as a time machine.

 

If your MM was writing here what would he say? You're married (correct?) you're not available for him as anything other than a mistress.

 

I understand all of the complications that lead to paralysis. If you try to picture your 'perfect' future what does it look like? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 

* Both divorce & become husband & wife?

* He leaves his W & is available to you but you stay married?

* You both set rules. Sex every Tuesday & Thursday with daily messages?

* You both walk away & never contact each-other again?

 

As a new member you seem to desperately need change but what REAL options are actually available to you? Answer that & I think you know what you need to do.

 

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

[HeCantBreakMe]

You likely have gone NC half heartedly each time hoping it will make him come around, basically forcing the pull in the push/pull cycle by ignoring him.

So the reason your in misery is he takes too long to come back and pull and your waiting during NC.

 

True NC is blocked, black, no way to you, no waiting. It is for healing. If you do it lomg enough there is a breakthrough. The fog lifts. You start to think Im doing this. Its like when you first learn to swim without floaties or ride a bike without training wheels.

You find your balance.

You have never approached NC as a way of being d-o-n-e forever.

And if you dont want to be done, stop trying to end it.

Accept the rollercoaster and the ups and downs and relax into the A and ride the wave of it.

Stop questioning it...youve been in it long enough to KNOW him...know his patterns...know he will be in and out.

Stop trying to analyze and change and suffer and cry.

Basically O...meant so kindly but...grow up.

You either are in or out now.

Are you asking for advice how to be a little less in?

It makes no sense?

Mostly quiet?

Whats the point.

Accept the cycle or exercise NC properly and dont expect it to help or work overnight or be some magic formula.

You heal slowly and you dont ever forget either. You just reach a peak where it hurts less and less and new plateaus of healing mixed with dark and painful days all the while getting better.

NC is freedom.

Join those of us in it.

I hope you can youve suffered so long.

 

No one typically says it better than Privategal. You have to be ready to go NC. If you are not you will create more drama. You will enjoy the power you have over him for about a day when he comes crying to you about how much he misses you but don't worry that only lasts until he realizes he can have you right back. Then all bets are off and he is back to hiding when you get to be "too" much for him. My exMM once said to me "why are you doing this you are supposed to be my escape from reality" .. LOL, it is almost comical now in a very very sad shaking my head and wiping my tears off my face kind of way.

[paradoxx]

Thank you. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to manage the middle ground until I either muster up the strength to end it or figure out how to make it work better. I know there are people on here in all stages of affairs, and while the most successful, most free, (most grown-up?) ones are well into NC, there are also newbies and those who keep going back and those who fail over and over and those who really believe they are separated from the one they should be with but are determined because of duty or fear or children or religion or whatever that they cannot pursue it. Perhaps maturity is the key player in these situations, and I can, through some discovery that I have not made yet, progress to where I see that NC is the only choice. You are right, I don't want to be done. I want to learn how to WANT to be done, and if I can't be done, I want to learn how to stop analyzing the roller coaster and being hurt by it repeatedly. To just let it go and wait and see what happens. But can I do that without feeling completely at his mercy and stepped on and used and defeated? Or am I defeated simply by not wanting it to end?

 

I have been trying to work through some of this with the therapist, but she essentially says that I have to determine what I want before I can really do anything different. I've been stuck not knowing what I want and not knowing how to figure that out for years now. Maybe even 20-several years, when the AP and I separated as teenagers.And perhaps the fact that we were so young in our relationship makes me regress?

 

And yes, I do want to be "a little less in," the point being to stop trying to get more out of him when he clearly has reached his max and thereby making us both even more unhappy. Is it possible for me to adapt the same attitude that he seems to have about it? Can I learn to compartmentalize and pull away and ignore it too? If he can, it must be possible. I suppose in these awful relationships one person always has to be more or less interested, and I was less at first, and he pursued me hard core, and then when I came around, he got scared and ran away. So, can I turn the tables back? Can I feel confident pulling away and not need him and not cry and not feel ignored for awhile? Can it just keep going back and forth forever? Is that what he wants? Or is going stone silent on him forever and permanently the only real solution, whether or not it's what I want? At least it's the "right" thing to do. I think.

 

Hi Ophelia,

 

I get you. I am also in a similar situation (although I dont want my MM to leave his wife). I wish I wanted to end things but I feel like it is keeping me sane in my marriage. I know it isn't helping it, but it keeps me going. I also get this whole upper hand thing you're feeling. Like you want him to want you more. I feel like he pursued me and now that Im hooked, I'm chasing him. I want to confidently be able to do without him. We definitely need our confidence back.

 

If you aren't ready to commit fully to NC, maybe don't try yet. Keep working with the IC to figure out what you need and want. It's like trying so hard to lose weight, then undoing it in a giant binge after only a week or two. It kind of undoes all your hard work and discourages you from trying again. I am going into a forced NC, that is most likely temporary but will last 2 months. I can't break it even if he or I wanted to so, I'll be using this time to really think about how I feel about my situation and hopefully gain the confidence to decide to stay nc.

 

So, the only suggestion I have is for you to go on vacation somewhere where you can't be contacted to try and get your head straight and hopefully build the strength to decide to fully go NC.

 

Maybe it's a silly suggestion, but it's all I've got, since I'm kind of in the same boat.

 

paradoxx

[privategal]

O,

In your response to my post you said you were asking yourself all these deep questions trying to figure out and figure out and ask and ask.

Ugh, I cant even answer whats for dinner tonight geez.

Questions Breed more questions and isyour delay tactic for action.

To dumb it down affairs are supposed to be exciting, light, fun, happy...

Yours is a dark hellish nightmare.

Theres only one question.

Do I want to be happy and free?

If the answer is yes then you stop clouding your mind with all these cluttering, emo high school mentality, so confused mentality, and you start acting on your decision.

You just do it.

Weve all said if you cant and dont want to...then dont, so theres your out to go ahead and give yourself permission to stay his mistress.

But your analyzing a simple thing.

Stay or go.

Your MM is THAT black and white.

Do I want her or my marriage?

He isnt moping, thinking, crying, in therapy.

Hes living life and you have no life because your every thought and heartbrat are his and your not even on cloud 9.

Stop with your questions.

Its just a stay or go.

Either way for the love of god be happy inyour decision and calm down.

[Ophelia25]

Hi Ophelia,

 

I get you. I am also in a similar situation (although I dont want my MM to leave his wife). I wish I wanted to end things but I feel like it is keeping me sane in my marriage. I know it isn't helping it, but it keeps me going. I also get this whole upper hand thing you're feeling. Like you want him to want you more. I feel like he pursued me and now that Im hooked, I'm chasing him. I want to confidently be able to do without him. We definitely need our confidence back.

 

If you aren't ready to commit fully to NC, maybe don't try yet. Keep working with the IC to figure out what you need and want. It's like trying so hard to lose weight, then undoing it in a giant binge after only a week or two. It kind of undoes all your hard work and discourages you from trying again. I am going into a forced NC, that is most likely temporary but will last 2 months. I can't break it even if he or I wanted to so, I'll be using this time to really think about how I feel about my situation and hopefully gain the confidence to decide to stay nc.

 

So, the only suggestion I have is for you to go on vacation somewhere where you can't be contacted to try and get your head straight and hopefully build the strength to decide to fully go NC.

 

Maybe it's a silly suggestion, but it's all I've got, since I'm kind of in the same boat.

 

paradoxx

 

Thank you, paradoxx. I feel the same way. Actually, I don't think I want him to leave his wife. The one or two times I felt like we were discussing it seriously, I got so scared. I don't want him to hurt his kids, I don't want to hurt my husband, and I don't want to be the cause of him having such deep guilt and regret. But he seems to have a lot of that already. As do I. He forgets sometimes, and then remembers and feels awful and ignores me. It's this back and forth that really upsets me more than anything else. I have a little less because my husband knows about and has even encouraged the affair (although he, too, gives me very mixed messages), but I still hate that he's doing things that would hurt his family.

 

On the other hand, I am very unhappy much of the time. It's not in your face miserableness, though maybe it comes off that way on here, it's more a subtle restlessness that gnaws at me day in and day out. I don't have a miserable marriage, I have a nothing marriage. My husband is a good friend and a decent roommate. My only feelings of, well, anything, come from the AP, and while I hate the sadness, at least I'm feeling something, and the good moments give me that surge of happiness/chemicals/excitement that make it so my life is tolerable. I don't want that to go away, I just want to learn how to deal with it in a way that doesn't make me so insane during the times that he goes away.

 

I do have a vacation coming up, just a week, but maybe I can start with that. Try to recharge.

[Ophelia25]

O,

In your response to my post you said you were asking yourself all these deep questions trying to figure out and figure out and ask and ask.

Ugh, I cant even answer whats for dinner tonight geez.

Questions Breed more questions and isyour delay tactic for action.

To dumb it down affairs are supposed to be exciting, light, fun, happy...

Yours is a dark hellish nightmare.

Theres only one question.

Do I want to be happy and free?

If the answer is yes then you stop clouding your mind with all these cluttering, emo high school mentality, so confused mentality, and you start acting on your decision.

You just do it.

Weve all said if you cant and dont want to...then dont, so theres your out to go ahead and give yourself permission to stay his mistress.

But your analyzing a simple thing.

Stay or go.

Your MM is THAT black and white.

Do I want her or my marriage?

He isnt moping, thinking, crying, in therapy.

Hes living life and you have no life because your every thought and heartbrat are his and your not even on cloud 9.

Stop with your questions.

Its just a stay or go.

Either way for the love of god be happy inyour decision and calm down.

 

I didn't realize that it came off as "emo high school" mentality. I apologize. I'm a researcher at heart, and I work through my emotions and decisions by asking questions, about everything. I feel like if the decision process was so easy, so black and white, that there wouldn't be therapists and discussion groups and so on, but maybe those are just for those who are coping with the decisions they have already made, and I'm horrifically immature for not being able to make one.

[ChickiePops]

I didn't realize that it came off as "emo high school" mentality. I apologize. I'm a researcher at heart, and I work through my emotions and decisions by asking questions, about everything. I feel like if the decision process was so easy, so black and white, that there wouldn't be therapists and discussion groups and so on, but maybe those are just for those who are coping with the decisions they have already made, and I'm horrifically immature for not being able to make one.

 

It actually IS that black and white. Walk away while you still have some dignity left, or keep going through the cycle of the pain of being dropped and picked back up until he gets fed up or finds a new OW and dumps you for good. What other options are there?

[Ophelia25]

It actually IS that black and white. Walk away while you still have some dignity left, or keep going through the cycle of the pain of being dropped and picked back up until he gets fed up or finds a new OW and dumps you for good. What other options are there?

 

Apparently, there are none. I thought there could be, when I see that there are some people who figure out how to make it work somehow. I am clearly not one of them. Thanks, everyone.

[jenkins95]

I didn't realize that it came off as "emo high school" mentality. I apologize. I'm a researcher at heart, and I work through my emotions and decisions by asking questions, about everything. I feel like if the decision process was so easy, so black and white, that there wouldn't be therapists and discussion groups and so on, but maybe those are just for those who are coping with the decisions they have already made, and I'm horrifically immature for not being able to make one.

 

You're doing very well under awful circumstances Ophelia. In your posts, I see someone who is hurt, confused, vulnerable and uncertain, but I also see a lot of intelligence, strength and determination. No doubt about it, you WILL be OK again.....hopefully soon. I too come from a research background, which is why I tend to be quite analytical in my posts - I see it in you too!

 

I just wanted to comment on the concept of not being "ready" for NC, which has been mentioned a few times on this thread. I get it, I really do. When one is in the position where you are right now, it is a devastating, daunting, horrifying, frightening prospect to go into NC. It would be wonderful to be able to cushion the blow and prepare yourself for it so that when you do start, you will be stronger and have a better chance of succeeding.

 

The thing is, like a lot of very hard decisions in life, will you ever be truly "ready"? From my experience and from what I've read, trying to "tone down" and gradually extricate yourself from the affair physically and emotionally in steps can itself be a heart-breaking, draining and downright depressing process. My A was exposed due to D-days. The bubble burst, decisions had to be made and NC had to be entered pretty quickly.

 

I wasn't "ready" for NC, but I didn't really have much choice if I still wanted to keep my marriage, which I did. It has been brutal, but now many months later, I feel a lot better and am actually glad that it ended abruptly. We had already had several "limbo" months before D-day, and these were just hell. I can imagine that the process of the OW and I trying to wean ourselves off each other and prepare for eventual NC gradually would have been very similar to the limbo period. New hurts, new heart-breaks, insecurities, changes of mind, sudden need for reassurance, temptation to get back full on into the affair, etc - it would have been a constant, draining battle.

 

And when do you then finally make the decision that you are in fact ready? Even after several months of preparation, during which you very likely to continue to bond with MM and delay your recovery, it would be VERY difficult to eventually make that call "OK, I'm ready".

 

My advice is to take the hit that full on and go immediate cold turkey. Accept that you will be a mess for 3 months, but have faith int he fact that you will feel significantly better at 6 months, and may very well be your old self again by 12 months - it's quite possible. Delaying, trying to water down the hurt and prepare yourself for NC, in my opinion would in itself be a painful, draining experience, and it would also serve to add months to your recovery.

 

As with so much of this stuff, this is very subjective, and this is just my own opinion, which I am very aware differs from some other posters. Can I ask if there any posters out there who went into NC after preparing for it, having not at first felt ready? It would be interesting to read other viewpoints on this and experiences. If so, how did you stay mentally strong and focused?, and how did you finally know when that critical moment had arrived? Are you glad you took this approach or, with hindsight, do you regret not just going immediate cold turkey?

 

Ophelia, you write beautifully and are clearly a lovely person. You are also a very valuable member of LS, who tries her best to help others despite your own pain. I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting whatever you decide and wherever your road takes you. So many people here want to be with you on that road and help you get better again.

Edited June 8, 2016 by jenkins95

[ChickiePops]

Apparently, there are none. I thought there could be, when I see that there are some people who figure out how to make it work somehow. I am clearly not one of them. Thanks, everyone.

 

You do?? Where?? 99% of the posters here on all sides of the infidelity spectrum seem to just be in a lot of pain. Or they're recovering from having been in a lot of pain in the past. You're definitely not alone here.

[Ophelia25]

You're doing very well under awful circumstances Ophelia. In your posts, I see someone who is hurt, confused, vulnerable and uncertain, but I also see a lot of intelligence, strength and determination. No doubt about it, you WILL be OK again.....hopefully soon. I too come from a research background, which is why I tend to be quite analytical in my posts - I see it in you too!

 

I just wanted to comment on the concept of not being "ready" for NC, which has been mentioned a few times on this thread. I get it, I really do. When one is in the position where you are right now, it is a devastating, daunting, horrifying, frightening prospect to go into NC. It would be wonderful to be able to cushion the blow and prepare yourself for it so that when you do start, you will be stronger and have a better chance of succeeding.

 

The thing is, like a lot of very hard decisions in life, will you ever be truly "ready"? From my experience and from what I've read, trying to "tone down" and gradually extricate yourself from the affair physically and emotionally in steps can itself be a heart-breaking, draining and downright depressing process. My A was exposed due to D-days. The bubble burst, decisions had to be made and NC had to be entered pretty quickly.

 

I wasn't "ready" for NC, but I didn't really have much choice if I still wanted to keep my marriage, which I did. It has been brutal, but now many months later, I feel a lot better and am actually glad that it ended abruptly. We had already had several "limbo" months before D-day, and these were just hell. I can imagine that the process of the OW and I trying to wean ourselves off each other and prepare for eventual NC gradually would have been very similar to the limbo period. New hurts, new heart-breaks, insecurities, changes of mind, sudden need for reassurance, temptation to get back full on into the affair, etc - it would have been a constant, draining battle.

 

And when do you then finally make the decision that you are in fact ready? Even after several months of preparation, during which you very likely to continue to bond with MM and delay your recovery, it would be VERY difficult to eventually make that call "OK, I'm ready".

 

My advice is to take the hit that full on and go immediate cold turkey. Accept that you will be a mess for 3 months, but have faith int he fact that you will feel significantly better at 6 months, and may very well be your old self again by 12 months - it's quite possible. Delaying, trying to water down the hurt and prepare yourself for NC, in my opinion would in itself be a painful, draining experience, and it would also serve to add months to your recovery.

 

As with so much of this stuff, this is very subjective, and this is just my own opinion, which I am very aware differs from some other posters. Can I ask if there any posters out there who went into NC after preparing for it, having not at first felt ready? It would be interesting to read other viewpoints on this and experiences. If so, how did you stay mentally strong and focused?, and how did you finally know when that critical moment had arrived? Are you glad you took this approach or, with hindsight, do you regret not just going immediate cold turkey?

 

Ophelia, you write beautifully and are clearly a lovely person. You are also a very valuable member of LS, who tries her best to help others despite your own pain. I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting whatever you decide and wherever your road takes you. So many people here want to be with you on that road and help you get better again.

 

Thank you for this. I posted for awhile on here, and got a little intimidated by some of the harsh people. Of course, most of us on here are terrible people in one way or another, but I assumed that people in the same situations would comfort and support each other rather than criticize, and there was a lot of criticism, especially of those who were new and confused by those who were seasoned and making good progress. We do sometimes need a harsh dose of reality, but I think that a lot of us do that to ourselves so much of the time.

 

I hope I've managed to be of some help to others, and I really do appreciate any who take the time to say things they think might be of help to me. If and when I manage to drop the ball and go NC, I'm sure I'll be on here begging for strength.

[jenkins95]

If and when I manage to drop the ball and go NC, I'm sure I'll be on here begging for strength.

 

Good for you - and you will receive plenty of support!

 

You make some excellent points here. Almost everyone here has experienced A-related hurt, and I guess that over half of us have CAUSED A-related hurt - me included. Whatever our role, we are all in this boat together, trying to move on and improve our lives. I too was a little shocked at some of the very direct, attacking posts I received to my original threads, at a time that I was vulnerable and needed someone to hold my hand. Thankfully, the hand-holders outnumbered the attackers and still do! I really hope it is the same for you!