Seeing a pattern--my story

[maggy1502]

Hello fellow LSers! I lurked for a while, but officially joined last week.

 

I have read so many inspiring posts and advice here. So I decided to post my situation. Going to try and not ramble too much!

 

I am a MW- 2 children. Married 9 years. After having my daughter I was in a deep depression. She had medical issues among other life situations.

 

FF 15 months. We had moved. I started AD. Made plans to go back to school. Life was starting to look up. Couple months later I met MM. I met him around the time my AD were taking effect. He is older. 20 years. I was given attention by him. He pretty much said from the get go he was just looking for a friend. He initiated our A. Slowly kept 'convincing' me to hug him, kiss him etc. Then before I knew it I was sucked in. He in an 'unhappy' status quo marriage. My M could use some help, but was not awful in my mind. (at the time)

 

Anyways, our EA and PA lasted 15 months until DD.

 

Prior to DD, I had tried to break from the A many times. We would go NC, then always end up reconnecting saying how much we both couldn't live without the other. We had an argument one night and he yelled out that he had told me he wasn't leaving his wife. I took that as a cue that this was a good time to get out. This A was never going to go anywhere, yet somehow he always convinced me that we needed each other. After that night mentioned above, we went into NC. Only lasted a week. We reunited, then a couple weeks later I was still in the same situation--wanting to get out. I finally gathered the courage to cut ties---or so I thought. I was going to commit myself to my family. Focus on my kids, husband, school etc.

 

A few days after NC, I got a positive pregnancy test. Was AP's. H has had a vasectomy and was gone during that time. I was shaken up, contacted AP told him I needed to talk to him. He was hesitant since I had broken things off a few days prior and said it would be hurtful to see me. I said it was important. We met. I told him about pregnancy. He knew immediately it was his. We parted. He texted me off and on that day and asked what my plans were. I was literally in shock still. Like numb. Didn't have any emotions on the severity of the situation. Long story short-he convinced me to abort. Like worst decision of my life. He told me he would kill himself if I didn't. I felt like my life had spiraled out of control. I feel he was just manipulating me into doing what he wanted so the A was not discovered.

 

Time went by--I was so disgusted with myself and him for what we had done. The A, the termination, everything. Like what had I done to my life? I already go to IC as part of my ADHD treatment, so I have already spoken to her about everything.

 

A month after all the drama mentioned before, we reconciled. How stupid right? I was out walking and he was driving by.(we live close to each other) We had been in NC. Well he had been texting me with really mushy stuff, but I wasn't responding. He stopped and we talked. Our chemistry was still very much there. He came to my house, we begged me to take him back, to love him, blah blah blah. Asked me if I was able to just forget him and move on with my life. Of course not. We had sex that day (with protection). I had shared the most intimate details with this man over the course of our A. We both considered each other best friends. I have never had so much fun with him. Laughing uncontrollably, being silly. We were head over heels 'in love' (A fog apparently) Pretty much what everyone else says on this message board as far as the characteristics of the AP/MM, he was it. Said all the right things, knew just how to touch me, hold me, make me feel so loved---yet so empty as he always went home to his W.

 

Our reconciliation only lasted two days, when his BS stole his phone while he was texting me. She started texting me as if it was him. Then called me. I answered stupidly. She was demanding to know who I was and why I was contacting her husband. I was in shock.

 

He had deleted most of the texts so she only saw him calling me babe and that's about it. So he denied everything to her. I went by his house a couple days later when I knew he would be leaving for work. I asked what the heck happened. He said that he needed to give it time and then we would part ways. Um what? Even though I was done 6 weeks prior, my hormones were all screwed up and I felt more attached to him than ever.

 

BS confronted me on text and facebook saying she knew who I was and would be telling my H about us talking. She demanded to know details, I didn't tell her anything. Didn't know what he had told her at that point. I knew he threw me under the bus though due to something she said.

 

Not much else has happened. That was four weeks ago. Been in NC since. Have seen him driving a couple times. We were at a four way and he totally looked the other way. Obv they are going to try and reconcile. She had me blocked on FB, but recently unblocked me. (Idk why????) I have seen posts of them and have now stopped looking.

 

I know that all of this happening is for the best. I wanted out. I wanted the A to be over. I didn't want to be the OW. There was a time I prob would have left my H for him. It just blows my mind how one day he is literally on his knees crying for me to take him back, and a few days later and over the course of the next month is acting like I don't exist and we are strangers. It has torn me apart. My H is gone for work. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights. I think what hurts the most is that what I thought was so real was all fake. I am trying to work through the pain and grieve the loss so that I can move on. I feel like I was cheated by a con artist. I wish I had come on this site like this time last year.

 

Bring on the input, and tough love! I just feel so screwed up. Like how did I get into this sick situation, and why am I so addicted to this man when clearly he never had intentions to leave his W. I had more self-worth than this.

 

If you read this far, thank you.

[immokk]

There are people on here much better placed to give you advice but I feel for you.

 

Nothing is ever black and white and I wish you lots of luck, whatever happens.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hello fellow LSers! I lurked for a while, but officially joined last week.

 

I have read so many inspiring posts and advice here. So I decided to post my situation. Going to try and not ramble too much!

 

I am a MW- 2 children. Married 9 years. After having my daughter I was in a deep depression. She had medical issues among other life situations.

 

FF 15 months. We had moved. I started AD. Made plans to go back to school. Life was starting to look up. Couple months later I met MM. I met him around the time my AD were taking effect. He is older. 20 years. I was given attention by him. He pretty much said from the get go he was just looking for a friend. He initiated our A. Slowly kept 'convincing' me to hug him, kiss him etc. Then before I knew it I was sucked in. He in an 'unhappy' status quo marriage. My M could use some help, but was not awful in my mind. (at the time)

 

Anyways, our EA and PA lasted 15 months until DD.

 

Prior to DD, I had tried to break from the A many times. We would go NC, then always end up reconnecting saying how much we both couldn't live without the other. We had an argument one night and he yelled out that he had told me he wasn't leaving his wife. I took that as a cue that this was a good time to get out. This A was never going to go anywhere, yet somehow he always convinced me that we needed each other. After that night mentioned above, we went into NC. Only lasted a week. We reunited, then a couple weeks later I was still in the same situation--wanting to get out. I finally gathered the courage to cut ties---or so I thought. I was going to commit myself to my family. Focus on my kids, husband, school etc.

 

A few days after NC, I got a positive pregnancy test. Was AP's. H has had a vasectomy and was gone during that time. I was shaken up, contacted AP told him I needed to talk to him. He was hesitant since I had broken things off a few days prior and said it would be hurtful to see me. I said it was important. We met. I told him about pregnancy. He knew immediately it was his. We parted. He texted me off and on that day and asked what my plans were. I was literally in shock still. Like numb. Didn't have any emotions on the severity of the situation. Long story short-he convinced me to abort. Like worst decision of my life. He told me he would kill himself if I didn't. I felt like my life had spiraled out of control. I feel he was just manipulating me into doing what he wanted so the A was not discovered.

 

Time went by--I was so disgusted with myself and him for what we had done. The A, the termination, everything. Like what had I done to my life? I already go to IC as part of my ADHD treatment, so I have already spoken to her about everything.

 

A month after all the drama mentioned before, we reconciled. How stupid right? I was out walking and he was driving by.(we live close to each other) We had been in NC. Well he had been texting me with really mushy stuff, but I wasn't responding. He stopped and we talked. Our chemistry was still very much there. He came to my house, we begged me to take him back, to love him, blah blah blah. Asked me if I was able to just forget him and move on with my life. Of course not. We had sex that day (with protection). I had shared the most intimate details with this man over the course of our A. We both considered each other best friends. I have never had so much fun with him. Laughing uncontrollably, being silly. We were head over heels 'in love' (A fog apparently) Pretty much what everyone else says on this message board as far as the characteristics of the AP/MM, he was it. Said all the right things, knew just how to touch me, hold me, make me feel so loved---yet so empty as he always went home to his W.

 

Our reconciliation only lasted two days, when his BS stole his phone while he was texting me. She started texting me as if it was him. Then called me. I answered stupidly. She was demanding to know who I was and why I was contacting her husband. I was in shock.

 

He had deleted most of the texts so she only saw him calling me babe and that's about it. So he denied everything to her. I went by his house a couple days later when I knew he would be leaving for work. I asked what the heck happened. He said that he needed to give it time and then we would part ways. Um what? Even though I was done 6 weeks prior, my hormones were all screwed up and I felt more attached to him than ever.

 

BS confronted me on text and facebook saying she knew who I was and would be telling my H about us talking. She demanded to know details, I didn't tell her anything. Didn't know what he had told her at that point. I knew he threw me under the bus though due to something she said.

 

Not much else has happened. That was four weeks ago. Been in NC since. Have seen him driving a couple times. We were at a four way and he totally looked the other way. Obv they are going to try and reconcile. She had me blocked on FB, but recently unblocked me. (Idk why????) I have seen posts of them and have now stopped looking.

 

I know that all of this happening is for the best. I wanted out. I wanted the A to be over. I didn't want to be the OW. There was a time I prob would have left my H for him. It just blows my mind how one day he is literally on his knees crying for me to take him back, and a few days later and over the course of the next month is acting like I don't exist and we are strangers. It has torn me apart. My H is gone for work. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights. I think what hurts the most is that what I thought was so real was all fake. I am trying to work through the pain and grieve the loss so that I can move on. I feel like I was cheated by a con artist. I wish I had come on this site like this time last year.

 

Bring on the input, and tough love! I just feel so screwed up. Like how did I get into this sick situation, and why am I so addicted to this man when clearly he never had intentions to leave his W. I had more self-worth than this.

 

If you read this far, thank you.

 

Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry to hear your story and I can feel your pain in every word you have written. Affairs are nothing but terrible messes - black holes filled with pain but once we fall into them it takes a literal act of God to get us out. I wish i could say something that would instantly make you feel better but none of us on here can do that. You have been through hell with this man and you thought he was going to continue walking through with you but when the real hard stuff came about he turned his back on you.

 

Everyone is different but for me it was and is the anger that carries me through my NC and keeps me in an okay place. I am starting to let the anger go (little by little) but when i start getting really sad I grab it and hold on to it like a life preserver. I also am a big Christian so I do a lot of praying- running also helps me. You have to find the things that will get you through this and hold on to them like your life depends on it because it very well does at this point.

 

Post on here as much as you want- post your thoughts and hurts and also post your victories (however small they are trust me those victories matter). I am cheering for you to make it through this because I have seen the devastation caused by affairs. Focus on you, do things that make you smile and laugh- be with your kids and family. Take a vacation, read a book, whatever you do STAY BUSY.

[ChickiePops]

So your husband doesn't know yet but she knows who you are and she's already threatened to tell him?

 

You need to tell him yourself. Otherwise you're going to spend the rest of your life wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. You'll make yourself sick.

[Got it]

OP - as a former MW can I give a little tough love?

 

You seem to put a lot of the responsibility on him. Almost like you were powerless/a victim/bystander in this. I think you owning more of your actions/thoughts and recognizing where you made decisions will help you own it and move past it. I am sorry you made decisions you regret and hope through therapy you can learn to forgive yourself. But you need to see where you made decisions to learn from this or you may end up repeating this again. Understanding your "whys" are vital.

 

I am so sorry for your pain and feeling lost. I wish you peace and happiness and know you can get through this. It does get better with time. Focus on therapy, and focus on healing yourself. Are you trying to improve your marriage again? May want to pop over to Infidelity if you want advice/direction in that vein.

 

(((((big hugs)))) and wishing you well.

[maggy1502]

Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry to hear your story and I can feel your pain in every word you have written. Affairs are nothing but terrible messes - black holes filled with pain but once we fall into them it takes a literal act of God to get us out. I wish i could say something that would instantly make you feel better but none of us on here can do that. You have been through hell with this man and you thought he was going to continue walking through with you but when the real hard stuff came about he turned his back on you.

 

Everyone is different but for me it was and is the anger that carries me through my NC and keeps me in an okay place. I am starting to let the anger go (little by little) but when i start getting really sad I grab it and hold on to it like a life preserver. I also am a big Christian so I do a lot of praying- running also helps me. You have to find the things that will get you through this and hold on to them like your life depends on it because it very well does at this point.

 

Post on here as much as you want- post your thoughts and hurts and also post your victories (however small they are trust me those victories matter). I am cheering for you to make it through this because I have seen the devastation caused by affairs. Focus on you, do things that make you smile and laugh- be with your kids and family. Take a vacation, read a book, whatever you do STAY BUSY.

 

Thank you for your words. I was reading your posts last night actually. You and a couple others are what intrigued me to post my story.

 

I should say that I in no way want to have any contact with him. Like I feel so done with him. All of the disgusting things he has done not only to me, but his family. It's just the pain. The pain everyday. And having nobody but my counselor to talk to about this, but she is kind of rough and not empathetic to my A situation. She said she doesn't judge me but that I need to figure out what I'm going to do about my M. I feel like I need to get past this pain before I make any other life decisions. I would like for there to be a time in the future when xMM bump into each other and I can just not even flinch. If I bumped into him now I would probably slap him across the face. Before DD he mentioned him and his W moving. I hope they do.

 

I have never been religious but xMM and his family are very into church. He and I prayed together many times. I have been praying for the strength to overcome this. Day by day I can say that it has become slightly easier, but then a song will come on the radio and it will instantly remind me of him. I know that time is pretty much the only thing that will heal me.

 

I have just been so hurt. I know I already said that..but talking (typing) about it helps me. I have also been writing a lot. About my feelings, quotes on moving on, coping.

 

I know it's not my business with xMM and BS are doing with their marriage, but it just disgusts me how he told her that I pursued him and that I was lonely while my H was away so we just texted. She knows nothing about the truth, as I didn't mention before but before we went NC for good, she had called me up and he was there on speaker. Asking me if it was more than friends, asking me to show her proof. etc. I had been drinking that night, and said that yes it was definitely more than friends but didn't go into details. She said she was so done with him and his lying. Then she contacted me the next morning and said never to contact them again and she would call the police if I tried. My H knows that him and I were friends. He is fine with it but that brings out a whole other post about my M and its problems. They are both blocked on phone and he is blocked on FB. Since she unblocked me I need to go ahead and block her too, but I'm having a hard time pulling the trigger on that one.

[maggy1502]

So your husband doesn't know yet but she knows who you are and she's already threatened to tell him?

 

You need to tell him yourself. Otherwise you're going to spend the rest of your life wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. You'll make yourself sick.

 

He knows that we communicated, but the BS does not know the details of anything. So she wouldn't tell him anything more than my H already knows.

 

I do plan to tell him, but not right now. There's too much going on with his career right now and he is already stressed to the max.

[maggy1502]

OP - as a former MW can I give a little tough love?

 

You seem to put a lot of the responsibility on him. Almost like you were powerless/a victim/bystander in this. I think you owning more of your actions/thoughts and recognizing where you made decisions will help you own it and move past it. I am sorry you made decisions you regret and hope through therapy you can learn to forgive yourself. But you need to see where you made decisions to learn from this or you may end up repeating this again. Understanding your "whys" are vital.

 

I am so sorry for your pain and feeling lost. I wish you peace and happiness and know you can get through this. It does get better with time. Focus on therapy, and focus on healing yourself. Are you trying to improve your marriage again? May want to pop over to Infidelity if you want advice/direction in that vein.

 

(((((big hugs)))) and wishing you well.

 

I love tough love. I may have sounded like I'm blaming him for the A, but I'm not. I'm blaming him for the hurt that he has put me through. He has really manipulated me. Yes I agreed to partake in everything. I was naive and xMM even agreed that he took advantage of a naive young woman. I take responsibility for the A, and the guilt pretty much ate me up which is why I tried to end it so many times. That and that I realized we just kept going in circles and it was never going to amount to anything.

 

As far as my M, I'm not sure. My H is a good guy and is a good provider and I have two younger kids. He is emotionally detached. I have not felt emotionally connected to him in years, and he knows this. But obviously I feel like he would need to know the truth before we can really rebuild a solid marriage. My H's job is insane and he is literally never home these days. So when I do see him its like I don't want to dive into our issues.

[maggy1502]

I should also add that xMM is not a monster. I know that he is hurting too. He's a real person with feelings just like all of us. I just came here to vent on my pain. I am a very empathetic person and always try to see the good in people. I always told him before any of our NC episodes that I wanted him to be happy. And if that was with his BS, then to go and focus on her and their M.

 

It just boggles my mind how I got so twisted into this situation. Like I feel like I could write a book on this drama series I call my life. If you saw me on the street you would like wow that's a woman who has her crap together. Nope..not even close.

[privategal]

You said you wanted out and it was for the best.

So now it is done and you can stop with the drama and analyzing and asking what you've done to your life and begin the steps of healing and addressing your new life now that you are no longer in an affair.

Too many new posters lately on that "but Im so addicted to this man"

Who cares. Get better counseling then.

This was 50/50 and you werent blindsided but rather chose the drama and kept on.

Its over.

Youve got a long road ahead and Id suggest your 1st step would be to stop wallowing.

[jenkins95]

Just sending you a hug (((Maggy)))

 

like so many of us, MM, OW, whatever, you have found out the hard way that there are no winners in affairs and that they almost inevitably lead to heartbreak for someone - often everyone.

 

Neither of you are monsters, you just made bad choices and disrespected your spouses - like me.

 

Commit to never ever having anything to do with him again, letting him sort his own mess out and committing 100% to your own marriage. You will get there and we are here for you!

[maggy1502]

You said you wanted out and it was for the best.

So now it is done and you can stop with the drama and analyzing and asking what you've done to your life and begin the steps of healing and addressing your new life now that you are no longer in an affair.

Too many new posters lately on that "but Im so addicted to this man"

Who cares. Get better counseling then.

This was 50/50 and you werent blindsided but rather chose the drama and kept on.

Its over.

Youve got a long road ahead and Id suggest your 1st step would be to stop wallowing.

 

I was hoping that you would respond. You are absolutely right.

[Sabella]

Maggie, I'm glad you finally posted. It's good to get it out there and to start working through this.

 

My only advice is to keep,with the NC, and really start to analyze your part in this. It so easy to get wrapped up in the minor details of the AP and the A itself...but in the end it really doesn't matter. Actually isn't even our business in a sense and you will never have the closure or answers that would truly satisfy you.

 

You have been through a lot, I'm so sad to hear the details of your A.

 

Do you want to stay in your marriage? Why or why not? I agree that if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist, find a new one. As long as it's not because they are asking you questions you don't feel like dealing with.

[NTV]

He knows that we communicated, but the BS does not know the details of anything. So she wouldn't tell him anything more than my H already knows.

 

I do plan to tell him, but not right now. There's too much going on with his career right now and he is already stressed to the max.

 

 

 

When my ww was cheating, I was also stressed to the max. Ulcers, sleepless, you name it. It was mostly because I thought I was going crazy trying to keep my eyes shut and pretend nothing was happening. When I found out -- and she didn't tell me, I had to pry it out of her little by little -- it hurt. It hurt like nothing else. But I was also relieved I wasn't going bonkers.

 

 

So do you want your husband to be nuts or to hurt? Cause that's the options if you don't tell or tell.

 

 

Sometimes I do wish I had never found out. But I also knew that if my ww hadn't been caught she would never have stopped. Even after she was caught she didn't stop. It was only D that stopped her. It strange how someone who married me and was supposed to love me could look at me straight faced and lie her butt off, even when I'm in pain. Even when she had the tools to help.

 

 

Sorry, guess I side tracked myself. I think if you want to stop thinking about this guy, telling your husband will clear that right up for you. Yeah it's like ripping off a bandaid, but if you don't do it, the wound will become infected.

[maggy1502]

Maggie, I'm glad you finally posted. It's good to get it out there and to start working through this.

 

My only advice is to keep,with the NC, and really start to analyze your part in this. It so easy to get wrapped up in the minor details of the AP and the A itself...but in the end it really doesn't matter. Actually isn't even our business in a sense and you will never have the closure or answers that would truly satisfy you.

 

You have been through a lot, I'm so sad to hear the details of your A.

 

Do you want to stay in your marriage? Why or why not? I agree that if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist, find a new one. As long as it's not because they are asking you questions you don't feel like dealing with.

 

Hey! Thanks

 

If there's anything I've learned from lurking here is that time is my best friend, staying NC and focusing on moving forward and keeping myself busy will be the most help to me. I feel that my relationship with my kids is already strengthening. I feel like I was not always 100% involved with my mind focused on xMM so much.

 

My marriage has been rocky for the past few years. my H knows this. There are details I don't want to discuss here, but I'm not sure where we are at. Once I can say I'm healed from my A I hope I will be able to better see clearly. Until then, he comes and goes we only see each other a few days a month for the time being.

Edited June 6, 2016 by maggy1502

[ChickiePops]

I love tough love. I may have sounded like I'm blaming him for the A, but I'm not. I'm blaming him for the hurt that he has put me through. He has really manipulated me. Yes I agreed to partake in everything. I was naive and xMM even agreed that he took advantage of a naive young woman. I take responsibility for the A, and the guilt pretty much ate me up which is why I tried to end it so many times. That and that I realized we just kept going in circles and it was never going to amount to anything.

 

As far as my M, I'm not sure. My H is a good guy and is a good provider and I have two younger kids. He is emotionally detached. I have not felt emotionally connected to him in years, and he knows this. But obviously I feel like he would need to know the truth before we can really rebuild a solid marriage. My H's job is insane and he is literally never home these days. So when I do see him its like I don't want to dive into our issues.

 

You're still trying to play the victim...

 

You made an active decision to enter into an affair. The pain that your family is going through is entirely on you. You're never going to get anywhere if you keep trying to place so much of the blame on him.

[DKT3]

Just asking a question. Why stay married at this point?

[BuddyX]

First of all, your xMM is a monster. He begged you to get an abortion while hiding under the "Christian umbrella". He's scum. Make sure you never forget that.

You're counselor is right. She's holding you to the fire and accountable for your actions. However, at this moment it might not be the right time. You might need someone who's a little more compassionate.

[Got it]

First of all, your xMM is a monster. He begged you to get an abortion while hiding under the "Christian umbrella". He's scum. Make sure you never forget that.

You're counselor is right. She's holding you to the fire and accountable for your actions. However, at this moment it might not be the right time. You might need someone who's a little more compassionate.

 

While one may not agree with his opinion, it does not make him a monster. An abortion is a reasonable option for many people. It may make him hypocritical for sure.

 

 

And I disagree, the OP needs to be held accountable. She continues to try and put more responsibility on her MM than on herself. She owns 50% of the affair and needs to own 100% of her decisions/allowances. One can expect accountability and still be compassionate. Allowing her the scape goat of being able to defer blame to him allows her to let her self off the hook, even a little. This does not help with making sure one understands why they do/did what they do/did, and to stop it from happening again. You can't understand your whys if you think you are a passive player in one's life.

[Sabella]

My marriage has been rocky for the past few years. my H knows this. There are details I don't want to discuss here, but I'm not sure where we are at. Once I can say I'm healed from my A I hope I will be able to better see clearly. Until then, he comes and goes we only see each other a few days a month for the time being.

 

I think it would be best to switch that mindset around...focus on the M now...deal with the A later. You may never wrap your brain around the A, and right now it's a mute point. Could take a long time to heal from the A, your marriage and what you want to do is what needs your attention now.

 

Maybe someone like Jenkins can give you better advice as to how to accomplish that. I'm probably not the norm in regards to how my life sort of blew up in the time frame it did, but avoiding the tough questions of your marriage takes precedence in my opinion.

 

I believe we are both too new to have access to PM...not sure the criteria. But in regards to things you don't want to talk about openly about your marriage, I would be willing to chat with you when we can, and if you want to.

[privategal]

I say the opposite...cut out the affair which is the obvious cancer to your marriage and THEN when it is no longer a marriage of three you can decide to stay or go but as long as you are an Mow any attempts to address your marriage are fake and futile as you are lost in affair fog and your husband only has 50% of your heart and mind at best.

Ending the A is an obvious choice and believe it or not, the easiest choice.

Whether to commit to your M into your golden years and retirement...forever...thats the hard one.

But you cannot consider that with another man in the picture.

[DKT3]

While one may not agree with his opinion, it does not make him a monster. An abortion is a reasonable option for many people. It may make him hypocritical for sure.

 

 

And I disagree, the OP needs to be held accountable. She continues to try and put more responsibility on her MM than on herself. She owns 50% of the affair and needs to own 100% of her decisions/allowances. One can expect accountability and still be compassionate. Allowing her the scape goat of being able to defer blame to him allows her to let her self off the hook, even a little. This does not help with making sure one understands why they do/did what they do/did, and to stop it from happening again. You can't understand your whys if you think you are a passive player in one's life.

 

This 100%

 

It's why I asked why stay married.

 

Op has painted herself as a total victim in everything. A victim In her marriage where her husband is an emotional absent workaholic who doesn't care about his family nor would he really be hurt by her affair. The mm as a master manipulater who conned her into the affair then an abortion.

 

Now having spent the last decade with this subject as a major player in my life I'm not buying most of it. OP this is your way of coping with your situation, placing blame on others allows you to veiw yourself in the light that you want while doing things that clearly make you not that person. Truth is we are all our actions. No amount of blameshifting can change that.

 

First step here is accepting that you are 50% responsible for the state of your marriage, 50% responsible for the state of the things that happened in your affair and 100% responsible for betraying your husband.

[maggy1502]

Geez everyone I don't feel like I'm trying to just play victim and place blame on others, but I came here for support. I feel sick with myself and angry with my own actions. I agree I'm 50% responsible for the A and 100% for what I did to my H.

 

My A consumed me for over a year. Okay so working on my M should be a priority before getting over the A. I haven't spoken or seen my H in weeks so that is kind of hard to work on my M at the moment.

 

I am grieving the loss of someone I thought was my best friend, and someone whom I loved and do still love. Even though what has happened is disgusting and makes me sick to my stomach, I can't just change how I feel quickly. I've never been through something like this before.

 

One of the reasons why I'm here is to figure out the why of what I did and to make sure it doesn't happen again.

[ChickiePops]

Geez everyone I don't feel like I'm trying to just play victim and place blame on others, but I came here for support. I feel sick with myself and angry with my own actions. I agree I'm 50% responsible for the A and 100% for what I did to my H.

 

My A consumed me for over a year. Okay so working on my M should be a priority before getting over the A. I haven't spoken or seen my H in weeks so that is kind of hard to work on my M at the moment.

 

I am grieving the loss of someone I thought was my best friend, and someone whom I loved and do still love. Even though what has happened is disgusting and makes me sick to my stomach, I can't just change how I feel quickly. I've never been through something like this before.

 

One of the reasons why I'm here is to figure out the why of what I did and to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

By talking about how busy your husband is and how badly your MM manipulated you, you are making yourself out to be a victim.

 

You didn't trip and fall onto his penis, you made a series of very bad decisions. Nobody is denying your pain..you are hurting and I'm sorry about that. However the sooner you acknowledge that you yourself are the cause of this pain, the sooner you and your family can begin to recover from it. Justifications such as 'he manipulated me' or 'I fell into it' will only make it more difficult to figure out WHY you did this.

 

If you're truly interested in finding out why you did this, you need to admit that you actually did it. Your role in this is not your husbands' fault, nor is it the MM's fault. It is 100% your own fault. Can you acknowledge that?

[privategal]

Maggy who cares about your AP seriously.

The bigger thing that is really concerning is taking vows to love, honor and cherish but your husband had not written or seen you in weeks?

WHY?

I travel for work alot and both myself and hubby call, text, email.

He drives me to the airport so we get time on the way to airport and from to be together.

This is not healthy.

Why are you in this marriage, affair or not?

Also side note: we cant tell you why you did this.

I drank too much for the last 7 days straight for instance.

I cant ask anyone to diagnose my decisions but ME.

If you cant, a counselor maybe can help but then we have ow/mow on here all the time like yes, I need to seek IC...while never calling around or actually booking an appointment just that mention of needing IC seems to be getting cliche as it somehow disolves you of horrible behavior.

Not you Maggy, just in general.

I know the advice here is painful, can be blunt and stings.

But it wont help you to have friendly cheerful advice and hugs.

You see these women in crisis, even losing jobs, medicated and on mental axiety and depression meds to cope while families are falling apart.

This is why advice is harsh...consequences weve read here are serious. The tough love is necessary to jar you to help yourself.