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NewLeaf512

If your A ended (any reason) and you are NC, how long has it been and are you over AP?

 

Me: I don't count days anymore but it's coming up on a year NC. I think of him daily but no longer yearn. What I do have is a fear, inability and unwillingness to trust a man again. I work surrounded by men and I can factually say that most of them at least talk about other women sexually and many have A or I know 8 that have "arrangements" kept mistresses some of over a decade. The only real thing I know now is that I wasn't in love with a real person, just the fake fantasy person he created.

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Tread Carefully

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a year for you, New Leaf. It's gone by fast for those of us on the outside. I've seen you grow a lot, learn, contribute and help lots of other OW. You're doing so well and I'm proud of you.

 

It is my hope that you continue to grow and that the good parts of other people that you see will eventually outweigh the bad.

 

Hugs to you!

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Grapesofwrath

It's been a couple months since we've seen each other, and maybe close to that since we've talked. (I haven't been counting the days or weeks.)

 

I still think about him, but not in a positive way. I see him and the A more clearly, for what it really was. I do not yearn for him, though it does bother me that he "got away with it" and that he has just gone on his merry way without any consequences for what he's done. Not that I have "consequences" exactly, but I have tried to learn from the experience and use it to make myself a better person. I don't think he is capable of that type of self-awareness. In that way, I'm not "over it." To me, being over it will be when I have no emotional charge around him whatsoever.

 

I agree with you, leaf, that it's tough not to become cynical about relationships and marriage after being in an A. It's true that many people cheat. But there are a lot of people out there who don't cheat. These are people of integrity, and they do exist.

 

One thing I have decided: if I am ever again in a relationship with someone who is cheating, the relationship is over. End of story. (There won't be kids involved, so the equation got a whole lot easier.)

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My dday was two years ago and we've gone long periods of time with no contact but then one of us breaks it. I'm in no contact now and hopefully this is the end cause I can't do this anymore. It's holding me back on so many levels. I do miss him but I question if I ever really knew him. I'm separated for 8 months now and he is still living his lie so I'm in a completely different place. Yes I miss him....or do I miss what I thought was real? I have no clue! All I know is that if it's in gods plan than we will be together but I'm not waiting around to find out. As far as dating other men, I'm scared and I don't trust anyone! I am very cautious of people thanks to my xmm!!

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privategal

Hi NL, good to hear from you.

I was mow in a very longterm EA and in strict nc for about 2 months.

 

I didnt really yearn until now, it seems to be getting harder not easier and you are the 2nd xow I've heard this week say your xap crosses your mind daily. The other person was out of A for 2.5 years and thinks of AP daily still and it scares me to know I wont be able to free myself of that.

I am one to want to forget everything even good memories.

I also am hyper sensitive around men.

Walls are up, I want zero parts of friendships with them even lightly I wont engage.

It does seem A's are so common, heck, even the president (clinton) was having kne!

I hope that you are doing well.

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RecentChange

I think the type of affair makes a difference too.

 

I was never emotionally involved with my MM. Going no contact was easy, and I don't long for him. Sure, I will reminisce about the sex - but he hasn't colored my opinion of men or changed my emotions in any significant way.

 

I don't imagine that Bill was staying up at night longing for Monica - and don't know, maybe she was? I assumed it was only physical and that they did not have a "love affair".

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privategal

Thats so true, I dont believe there was an emotional connection or even a feiendship there with monica and Bill, lol.

My xeap and I were extremely close and emotional. I question anymore if it was love for him, though it certainly seemed very much so but then it would not have been that easy to part ways with me if it was love for him.

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winterkeep

Hello New Leaf :)

 

I'll start with the most important stuff.

 

'What I do have is a fear, inability and unwillingness to trust a man again. I work surrounded by men and I can factually say that most of them at least talk about other women sexually and many have A'

 

You need to find a way to work on this. You're far too young (and too great a human being) to let yourself miss out on potential happiness based on fear. No a partner will not make someone happy but don't shut yourself off to the possibilities the world can offer you.

 

You have had such heartbreaking and traumatic experiences with your husband and now with MM that I can understand how you feel this way but you should care for yourself enough that you don't let it damage you further as its exactly this type of thinking that will make you vulnerable to future abuse. I think thats likely what happened with MM, he saw your pain and vulnerability and targeted it - only to discard you when he had no future use for you. Predators can sense pain.

 

It's easy to think that there just aint no good in men but I work for an organisation that employs about 50 000 people, 92% of which are men and about 80% of those alpha male types. The vast majority of them are good men who are committed to their spouses, infidelity is greatly looked down on and while I do hear a lot of 'guy talk' it's generalised and not much different to how my girlfriends and I talk about firemen or something.

 

There are good men out there, I promise you. If you focus on anything you start to see it everywhere. I once had an occupational exposure to HIV infected blood, while I was going through the post exposure prophylactic treatment and blood testing I saw HIV/AIDS everywhere! It seemed as though I couldn't turn on the TV or pick up a magazine without seeing the virus mentioned, it was even spray painted on a wall outside of my train station! I took it as a sign that I was definitely infected which was a bit ridiculous (and not true thankfully) but I think its a similarly disordered type of thinking as you're having now.

 

"If your A ended (any reason) and you are NC, how long has it been and are you over AP?"

 

For the last time it's been almost two months and honestly I'm doing well. I believe that for the most part I am over him, I still think of him daily but often only in passing and usually only when I have too much time on my hands. I'm trying really hard not to ruminate and to accept and let go.

 

Im much happier and more myself these days and I think it's his absence that allows me to feel this way. He has been trying to get in contact with random messages, some relating to work others relating to not much at all and to be honest his contact doesn't move me in any way.

 

It's taken a lot of work on consciously letting go to get to this point, I'm definitely not completely there yet but I am getting better- I just want on get on with my life and to be able to live it in an authentic manner.

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NewLeaf512

This may not be what anyone wants to hear, but I share my good and ugly too.

 

I think of him mostly as a fictional character in a favourite book. On some level I will always love him but I would never go back. In the nearly year through weekly therapy, I have found a tiny kernel of self respect that is growing all the time.

 

Just for a quick recap, we worked at the same chambers and I was very senior to him. He eventually got caught by me as still being M. I didn't speak to him at all even though he sent me upwards of 50 texts per day. One day he rang me in a panic and needed my advice on a complex legal matter where he was not representing the client property and I helped him. He swore he'd get divorced, instructed a lawyer, papers drawn, and he delayed serving her for 2 weeks. I forced the issue saying if he didn't tell her I would (if not physically seen him in over a year once i found out that he was M) he told her, I rang he said he told her everything even about the lawyer. I could hear her crying and he put the phone down on me. I waited 2 days to contact him to give them space only to find I had been blocked everywhere. 4 weeks later BS tried to

Sue me for AOA which was not possible for several million £. She denied there was an A saying I made it all up so I hired the 3 best solicitors in the city,and included 7 pages, 20 photos and 5 voice recordings spamming over 2 years. One of exMM emails was a confessional to me about the 2 previous A he had once of which was for the entire pregnancy of their youngest child. To extract myself from this disaster I quit my job suddenly (high six figures) and had a hell of a time finding work because the rumour mill supposes (usually correctly) that you've been fired for misconduct. Eventually by a stroke of sheer luck o got an appointment to the judiciary.

 

Here is where karma comes in

 

2 Wednesday's ago the very senior of my old firm approached me with a huge point of law upon which a case I had won in 2006 had a prescient set on it. He begged me to take a 3 week advisory contract to help them

Obtain a favourable verdict for their client. ExMM office is in the same building so he would see me. I've signed an NDA so he has no idea I'm being offered this. They will pay me £40,000 for the contract. I'm

Conflicted because I want to help an innocent defendant but also I know he thinks he ruined my career and I'm some sad sod pining away, etc. To walk in there looking stunning head held high, and completely ignoring him will scare him to death. But it also helps dispell any rumours there was a conduct issue of any kind and restores me and quells gossip. Apparently he is in R with BS who I feel so heartbroken for, I can't imagine how she copes with knowing during their 25 years of marriage he was with other "gf" for 18 YEARS.

 

I've not made a decision yet but it certainly feels like vindication!

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This may not be what anyone wants to hear, but I share my good and ugly too.

 

I think of him mostly as a fictional character in a favourite book. On some level I will always love him but I would never go back. In the nearly year through weekly therapy, I have found a tiny kernel of self respect that is growing all the time.

 

Just for a quick recap, we worked at the same chambers and I was very senior to him. He eventually got caught by me as still being M. I didn't speak to him at all even though he sent me upwards of 50 texts per day. One day he rang me in a panic and needed my advice on a complex legal matter where he was not representing the client property and I helped him. He swore he'd get divorced, instructed a lawyer, papers drawn, and he delayed serving her for 2 weeks. I forced the issue saying if he didn't tell her I would (if not physically seen him in over a year once i found out that he was M) he told her, I rang he said he told her everything even about the lawyer. I could hear her crying and he put the phone down on me. I waited 2 days to contact him to give them space only to find I had been blocked everywhere. 4 weeks later BS tried to

Sue me for AOA which was not possible for several million £. She denied there was an A saying I made it all up so I hired the 3 best solicitors in the city,and included 7 pages, 20 photos and 5 voice recordings spamming over 2 years. One of exMM emails was a confessional to me about the 2 previous A he had once of which was for the entire pregnancy of their youngest child. To extract myself from this disaster I quit my job suddenly (high six figures) and had a hell of a time finding work because the rumour mill supposes (usually correctly) that you've been fired for misconduct. Eventually by a stroke of sheer luck o got an appointment to the judiciary.

 

Here is where karma comes in

 

2 Wednesday's ago the very senior of my old firm approached me with a huge point of law upon which a case I had won in 2006 had a prescient set on it. He begged me to take a 3 week advisory contract to help them

Obtain a favourable verdict for their client. ExMM office is in the same building so he would see me. I've signed an NDA so he has no idea I'm being offered this. They will pay me £40,000 for the contract. I'm

Conflicted because I want to help an innocent defendant but also I know he thinks he ruined my career and I'm some sad sod pining away, etc. To walk in there looking stunning head held high, and completely ignoring him will scare him to death. But it also helps dispell any rumours there was a conduct issue of any kind and restores me and quells gossip. Apparently he is in R with BS who I feel so heartbroken for, I can't imagine how she copes with knowing during their 25 years of marriage he was with other "gf" for 18 YEARS.

 

I've not made a decision yet but it certainly feels like vindication!

 

Wow!!! That's great! You really are moving on and he is in the same sad place! Good for you! Walk in there and kick ass!

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NewLeaf512
Wow!!! That's great! You really are moving on and he is in the same sad place! Good for you! Walk in there and kick ass!

 

I'm conflicted. He is such a SH-t he couldn't send a one word text saying sorry?

 

I might want to kick him

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privategal
I'm conflicted. He is such a SH-t he couldn't send a one word text saying sorry?

 

I might want to kick him

 

Sorry for what? The affair?

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NewLeaf512
Sorry for what? The affair?

 

For lying and saying he was separated. For borrowing money from me to hire a divorce lawyer. For buying a house with me so whe he left he had some place to live. For ghosting me . For allowing his wife to try to sue me.

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Sassy Girl

Well, we are not NC. We were. He broke it.

 

There's no PA and won't be.

 

He broke NC to tell me the most recent affair he was engaged in which ended spectacularly when he found her profile on a dating site, advertising herself as being free for a few hours and looking for a 'date'. He was crushed. Can't make this stuff up.

 

Turns out he was having unprotected sex with her while she was on a 'sexual journey' with couples and various men after leaving her husband for a lover ... Or something. So no, there will not be a PA. no way. No how.

 

I dunno, I entertain it because it's kind of amusing. I know I shouldn't. I think it's pretty safe to say I'm over him though lol

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privategal
For lying and saying he was separated. For borrowing money from me to hire a divorce lawyer. For buying a house with me so whe he left he had some place to live. For ghosting me . For allowing his wife to try to sue me.

 

Your story is all coming back to me now.

He isnt even worth kicking. His karma is the size of the ocean. Ugh.

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If your A ended (any reason) and you are NC, how long has it been and are you over AP?

 

Me: I don't count days anymore but it's coming up on a year NC. I think of him daily but no longer yearn. What I do have is a fear, inability and unwillingness to trust a man again. I work surrounded by men and I can factually say that most of them at least talk about other women sexually and many have A or I know 8 that have "arrangements" kept mistresses some of over a decade. The only real thing I know now is that I wasn't in love with a real person, just the fake fantasy person he created.

 

I'm 10 month NC and I'm not over him. I miss him even more now. Over the past few days, I even wanted to call him, just to hear his voice. Thank god it was just a passing thought. But I guess , like you, I miss the fictional character, not a real person. I don't know who he is anymore. After all the empty promises that he will move heaven and earth to be with me, bla bla bla, and now, after 10 months, he's still with her, I can't help feeling so cheated and lied to. Of course the whole experience helps me see him for who he really is now and helps me stick to NC easier. What amazes me the most was that if it was all a lie, how could i feel so real??? I think most OWs struggle with this too. I still can't believe I buy into all that he said. I still struggle each day with the thought that it was all a game for him. I still can't get past this. Are all women wired to fall in love with words and all MMs are masteful manipulators who take advantage of this trait??? It seems like an universal common theme now. But still, i can't reconcile with the fact that my MM is one of those too. It was all so REAL... :((((( And probably this is why an affair is very hard to get over too. The abrupt cut-off of such a profound connection and the shocking truth that it was nothing but a lie.

 

And of course, like you, I suffer from the after-effects of and A, that is no trust for me. Every man i see now is like a predator is bound to lie to me and hurt me. And the most amazing thing is my sex drive is almost gone. This has never happened to me before. I've been through worst breakups in the past but my sex drive always come back after a 2-3 months. But this time, 10 months already and the thought of another sexual encounter with a man still fills me with disgust. :(((( And this is coming from a high sex drive person. I don't know what I have become anymore. :((( The affair has damaged me far more than I thought possible.

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NewLeaf512
I'm 10 month NC and I'm not over him. I miss him even more now. Over the past few days, I even wanted to call him, just to hear his voice. Thank god it was just a passing thought. But I guess , like you, I miss the fictional character, not a real person. I don't know who he is anymore. After all the empty promises that he will move heaven and earth to be with me, bla bla bla, and now, after 10 months, he's still with her, I can't help feeling so cheated and lied to. Of course the whole experience helps me see him for who he really is now and helps me stick to NC easier. What amazes me the most was that if it was all a lie, how could i feel so real??? I think most OWs struggle with this too. I still can't believe I buy into all that he said. I still struggle each day with the thought that it was all a game for him. I still can't get past this. Are all women wired to fall in love with words and all MMs are masteful manipulators who take advantage of this trait??? It seems like an universal common theme now. But still, i can't reconcile with the fact that my MM is one of those too. It was all so REAL... :((((( And probably this is why an affair is very hard to get over too. The abrupt cut-off of such a profound connection and the shocking truth that it was nothing but a lie.

 

And of course, like you, I suffer from the after-effects of and A, that is no trust for me. Every man i see now is like a predator is bound to lie to me and hurt me. And the most amazing thing is my sex drive is almost gone. This has never happened to me before. I've been through worst breakups in the past but my sex drive always come back after a 2-3 months. But this time, 10 months already and the thought of another sexual encounter with a man still fills me with disgust. :(((( And this is coming from a high sex drive person. I don't know what I have become anymore. :((( The affair has damaged me far more than I thought possible.

 

I want to be loved so much but I find it impossible to even be open to anyone

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lemondrop21
I'm 10 month NC and I'm not over him. I miss him even more now. Over the past few days, I even wanted to call him, just to hear his voice. Thank god it was just a passing thought. But I guess , like you, I miss the fictional character, not a real person. I don't know who he is anymore. After all the empty promises that he will move heaven and earth to be with me, bla bla bla, and now, after 10 months, he's still with her, I can't help feeling so cheated and lied to. Of course the whole experience helps me see him for who he really is now and helps me stick to NC easier. What amazes me the most was that if it was all a lie, how could i feel so real??? I think most OWs struggle with this too. I still can't believe I buy into all that he said. I still struggle each day with the thought that it was all a game for him. I still can't get past this. Are all women wired to fall in love with words and all MMs are masteful manipulators who take advantage of this trait??? It seems like an universal common theme now. But still, i can't reconcile with the fact that my MM is one of those too. It was all so REAL... :((((( And probably this is why an affair is very hard to get over too. The abrupt cut-off of such a profound connection and the shocking truth that it was nothing but a lie.

 

And of course, like you, I suffer from the after-effects of and A, that is no trust for me. Every man i see now is like a predator is bound to lie to me and hurt me. And the most amazing thing is my sex drive is almost gone. This has never happened to me before. I've been through worst breakups in the past but my sex drive always come back after a 2-3 months. But this time, 10 months already and the thought of another sexual encounter with a man still fills me with disgust. :(((( And this is coming from a high sex drive person. I don't know what I have become anymore. :((( The affair has damaged me far more than I thought possible.

Lilac, I was like this too after the end of a relationship with a man who turned out to be a pathological liar. It wasn't an A but was similarly damaging. I had no trust in others for a good long while. It took a year and a half of being mostly single, with a brief unhealthy relationship thrown in there, for me to finally recover back to a healthy place. Eventually I did become healthy and happy just being on my own, focusing on my own pursuits, goals and self care. Then I met xbf with whom I had a five year relationship. It did not ultimately work out but it was my longest and most stable relationship and he was a very good man.

 

You will get there eventually. I promise.

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NewLeaf512
Lilac, I was like this too after the end of a relationship with a man who turned out to be a pathological liar. It wasn't an A but was similarly damaging. I had no trust in others for a good long while. It took a year and a half of being mostly single, with a brief unhealthy relationship thrown in there, for me to finally recover back to a healthy place. Eventually I did become healthy and happy just being on my own, focusing on my own pursuits, goals and self care. Then I met xbf with whom I had a five year relationship. It did not ultimately work out but it was my longest and most stable relationship and he was a very good man.

 

You will get there eventually. I promise.

 

We will all get through this. One foot in front of the other.

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Grapesofwrath
I want to be loved so much but I find it impossible to even be open to anyone

 

You can and will be loved. When you are ready to receive it. And it may not come in the package you are expecting.

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NewLeaf

 

I have previously posted my W's story here. Short version follows. She was single OW to MM in LTA. Approaching 30. Fun of her 20's with groups of friends dissipated due to marriages and kids in that group. Lonely and no prospects. He swooped in like a good predator does.

 

We'd met while she was in A but since I was in my own LTA with a single gal, neither of us paid any attention to the other. A ends, my LTA ends. We are reintroduced. We recently celebrated our 30th. For better or worse and I don't dare ask her which she thinks she got :D.

 

So I am living proof it does happen even when you aren't expecting it.

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Jersey born raised

I think you answered your own question. "desperate to love and be loved". Over time you will come to realize that it was the illusion of the fullfilment of that desire that haunts you, not the memory of a person.

 

While in many ways blessed, you have had a hard journey.

 

Be Well

 

I read your thread on BPD. Use the search function to find a poster named "downtown". He is well informed and articulate. These sites may help as well

 

http://www.bpdfamily.org/2012/02/are-children-of-bpd-parent-likely-to.html

 

http://www.bpdfamily.org/2012/02/are-children-of-bpd-parent-likely-to.html

Edited by Jersey born raised
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I had an affair for about 7-8 years and dumped him because I wanted to see more of him and thought it better I be distraught at losing him than his wife and kids. I loved him a lot. I met him when I was 23 and I was too young to be in that kind of a relationship and I always thought he was too good for me as he was a professional and I wasn't at the time. I met my husband about a couple of years later and we have been married 26 years. We have a teenage son now. My husband adores me and my son. You could put the most stunning woman in the room with him and he wouldn't notice. I don't regret my A and I know my XMM is still married to the same woman. I know he didn't love her because he would never have had a long term A with me if he did. Affairs are just so toxic. I would never have another A again. I still think about him at times but I realise now he never loved me either. I was just servicing his physical needs although I didn't realise it at the time.

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NewLeaf512

Thanks for all the replies. As I said I've not been counting days which helps. Wha still is hurtful is that we were good friends for Years prior. Even though I crave love there is too much fear of being hurt to risk it.

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ShatteredLady

One day you will meet a good, kind & patient man & those feelings will creep-up on you before you realize it. You deserve true happiness in this life & I have faith that you will find it. :love:

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