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Living together a month... When does this anxiety end??


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Hello folks -

 

I posted my story here about a month ago, before the move and a little after the move. He moved in at the end of April after a 2 1/2 year affair, his wife was very emotionally and verbally abusive toward him - this is fact, I've read all the texts and emails from 2008 til today.

 

Well, we are one month in living Together and it's been amazing being with him every night and coming home to him. I know - it's the honeymoon phase, but I'm enjoying it. We've become a team and its just so amazing.

 

He spoke to his therapist today, and his therapist told him that he made the right decision based on his circumstance.

 

His wife is starting to show signs of parental aliention, preventing him from talking with his children unless he comes over. She has continued to constantly harass and berate him, telling him the kids hate him. meanwhile he spends at least 4 evenings a week taking his children out and just brought his oldest to buy him a car yesterday after getting his license. No one knows of me - they just know he needed to move out and be separated at this point. He is going to file next month (if contested in our state there will have to be a 2 year wait from date of separation).

 

My question/advice needed is really around this anxiety. Every day I am just scared he will change his mind and go back to her. Is there a safe zone after a certain amount of time? I know to take it one day at a time, but I can't control this feeling of dread that it will all come crashing down.

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Lady Hamilton

Aaaaaanyway...

 

To answer your question, it takes awhile for that feeling to die down, especially if he went back and forth a few times. I'm not sure there's a point where you flip that switch and stop worrying... Just one day you look back and that fear isn't there anymore.

 

Thinking back, I can't pinpoint when I stopped worrying. I just did.

 

There were also periods where I wasn't worried, then something happened and I would stress out about it, like when she started yanking the kids around or threatened to move away.

 

And no, the fear of him leaving wasn't replaced with the fear he'd have an affair. Honestly, that's never on my radar.

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Aaaaaanyway...

 

To answer your question, it takes awhile for that feeling to die down, especially if he went back and forth a few times. I'm not sure there's a point where you flip that switch and stop worrying... Just one day you look back and that fear isn't there anymore.

 

Thinking back, I can't pinpoint when I stopped worrying. I just did.

 

There were also periods where I wasn't worried, then something happened and I would stress out about it, like when she started yanking the kids around or threatened to move away.

 

And no, the fear of him leaving wasn't replaced with the fear he'd have an affair. Honestly, that's never on my radar.

 

 

Thanks for the response Lady Hamilton. I know I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens on a day to day - I do voice my concerns with him, he tells me to trust him, so I'm putting my trust in him. Just wishing this anxiety would go away, but it's definitely too soon for that. I want him to do what he feels is right.

 

For the other response, I really don't believe he'd ever cheat on me. I would never treat him like a child (or worse) and call him horrible names. Nor would I sit on my ass shopping all day and drive him to bankruptcy either, and deny him love and respect. But thanks for your feedback.

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Lady Hamilton

Don't voice your worries too much... In my case, at least, it hurt more than it helped. Every time I said it, it made him trust me less because I didn't trust him.

 

You have a long road ahead, so day by day is the best you can do.

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Don't voice your worries too much... In my case, at least, it hurt more than it helped. Every time I said it, it made him trust me less because I didn't trust him.

 

You have a long road ahead, so day by day is the best you can do.

 

Thanks so much. You're so right, he gets so stressed when I start to talk about it. So I need to just give him his space to absorb it all.

 

Your story does give me hope though, I know you've had a successful relationship once it all calmed down. Thanks so much for responding.

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SomethingToSay

Wow she sounds psychotic and just awful. Why is he okay with all the children being under her care full time?

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Lady Hamilton

Well, we worked harder at it than I ever dreamed. And in reality, it's never entirely calmed down. It's waves of insanity, waves of normalcy, and navigating co-parenting is always tricky. Just when you have it figured out, something changes.

 

It's just we both learned a lot from our respective failed marriages and worked so hard to try to not repeat it. We wanted to work so badly and we had to make a lot of compromises and concessions.

 

And yes, we worked hard to keep parts of our affair relationship a part of our normal life. Intimate talks, time together, etc. The things that pulled us together. Our big transitional issues were all related to abandoning those aspects of the affair that made us so intertwined because we thought that ok, now we are "legitimate," there's no room for that dynamic anymore, when the opposite was true.

 

He had to accept after so much bouncing back and forth, that when he had resolved to leave his ex for good and stay with me, I still had lingering trust issues.

 

I had to accept that there isn't a scenario where his ex doesn't exist and that by making a go of it, it meant she was intertwined in my life.

 

We got to where we are after lots of work, tears, even a few doubts. And it always seemed as one thing got easier, something else got harder.

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Wow she sounds psychotic and just awful. Why is he okay with all the children being under her care full time?

 

According To him, she's a great mother just a horrible wife. Using him to fund her "reputation" as a housewife in the neighborhood. But now we are seeing the side of her that is trying to alienate him from the Kids - and that is not a good mother to us. We are looking for a house big enough for them, we are in a 1br now/

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ladydesigner
Thanks for the response Lady Hamilton. I know I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens on a day to day - I do voice my concerns with him, he tells me to trust him, so I'm putting my trust in him. Just wishing this anxiety would go away, but it's definitely too soon for that. I want him to do what he feels is right.

 

For the other response, I really don't believe he'd ever cheat on me. I would never treat him like a child (or worse) and call him horrible names. Nor would I sit on my ass shopping all day and drive him to bankruptcy either, and deny him love and respect. But thanks for your feedback.

 

This is naive thinking. ANYONE can cheat, even the best of them. There are no guarantees in life.

 

I would find ways to be secure in yourself. Don't be co-dependent on him, and try and be happy.

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ladydesigner
According To him, she's a great mother just a horrible wife. Using him to fund her "reputation" as a housewife in the neighborhood. But now we are seeing the side of her that is trying to alienate him from the Kids - and that is not a good mother to us. We are looking for a house big enough for them, we are in a 1br now/

 

I agree that it is not right to alienate the kids, hopefully that will stop as she gets used to her new life. Going through a D I am sure is not easy. Her reputation as a housewife..meh. There are lot's of women like that even OW like to be housewives. I enjoy working and having a career, everyone is different.

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Well, we worked harder at it than I ever dreamed. And in reality, it's never entirely calmed down. It's waves of insanity, waves of normalcy, and navigating co-parenting is always tricky. Just when you have it figured out, something changes.

 

It's just we both learned a lot from our respective failed marriages and worked so hard to try to not repeat it. We wanted to work so badly and we had to make a lot of compromises and concessions.

 

And yes, we worked hard to keep parts of our affair relationship a part of our normal life. Intimate talks, time together, etc. The things that pulled us together. Our big transitional issues were all related to abandoning those aspects of the affair that made us so intertwined because we thought that ok, now we are "legitimate," there's no room for that dynamic anymore, when the opposite was true.

 

He had to accept after so much bouncing back and forth, that when he had resolved to leave his ex for good and stay with me, I still had lingering trust issues.

 

I had to accept that there isn't a scenario where his ex doesn't exist and that by making a go of it, it meant she was intertwined in my life.

 

We got to where we are after lots of work, tears, even a few doubts. And it always seemed as one thing got easier, something else got harder.

 

Wow.

 

You just explained everything I'm starting to go through so succinctly. I know it's a long road ahead, and this is what I signed up for. He knows my anxiety but I don't pound it into his head.

 

At the same time, I understand that leaving the affair life and moving into "real life" together is an adjustment - I don't think either of us are there yet. She's still a constant presence and I'm still trying to work out a long term plan while he just isn't ready to face the "reality" yet. I figured I will give him until August to start officially working with lawyers, etc.

 

This is so much craziness - but I think we are worth it. If he takes off, then I'll just have to accept that as a lesson learned.

 

How long have you and your hubby been together post affair? How long during affair did it take for him to leave his wife?

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This is naive thinking. ANYONE can cheat, even the best of them. There are no guarantees in life.

 

I would find ways to be secure in yourself. Don't be co-dependent on him, and try and be happy.

 

Oh girl, don't worry about codependency. I'll be 31 in a couple weeks and have lived alone and single since I was 17, with an exception from 19-21 I had a fiance I lived with. I'm very independent, which actually makes it hard to live with someone now!!:laugh:

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I agree that it is not right to alienate the kids, hopefully that will stop as she gets used to her new life. Going through a D I am sure is not easy. Her reputation as a housewife..meh. There are lot's of women like that even OW like to be housewives. I enjoy working and having a career, everyone is different.

 

Yeah, I have no problem with housewives in general. I'm a career focused woman, so it's just not me. My problem was her spending on CC cause while he makes well into the six figures, he wasn't a millionaire like she was spending. He's over $200K in CC debt right now from her cards - it's insane.

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SomethingToSay

I guess Im confused bc you say she sits on her butt all day but apparently shes a great mother to multiple kids kiving full time under her roof.

 

So i assume when you are introduced to his children as coming included with his new house, he will tell them you guys just met?

 

Just a little confused thats all

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I guess Im confused bc you say she sits on her butt all day but apparently shes a great mother to multiple kids kiving full time under her roof.

 

So i assume when you are introduced to his children as coming included with his new house, he will tell them you guys just met?

 

Just a little confused thats all

 

Sorry if I offend. Her children are in school 8 hours a day.

 

I work 11 hours a day and still manage to clean my house every night, I have the house cleaned and dinner on the stove every night by 6pm after getting home at 530. Mymother did the same, worked 60 hours a week, while raising two children.

 

His STBXw has THREE housekeepers working around the clock and orders takeout every night.

 

Maybe it's a culture difference? Who knows. That's kind of lazy to me.

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Lady Hamilton

Now more than ever she will be a constant presence. Especially after custody and such are being decided and you become known. My biggest naive assumption was that when we went public and his divorce was underway, she'd be less a part of his life. The reality is the exact opposite. If anything, it was an open invitation to for her be totally intertwined in my life, and she totally exploited that to be as disruptive as possible.

 

For me, for a long time, that was the part that was the hardest. Especially when I was having fears he'd leave again.

 

My low point, when I almost snapped, was when I had a surgery I needed. First I had to get the date changed because the original date fell on a stretch we had the kids. My husband asked to take the kids the same amount of time later in the week, she said no. "This isn't my problem, I guess she should learn to go into the hospital and deal with her problems like a big girl." Because it was major surgery and I couldn't be alone and she wouldn't move the dates, my surgery had to be changed.

 

I was pissed.

 

Then on the new surgery date, she started frantically texting with an invented problem and she wouldn't take "not now" as an answer. I came unglued because I was scared and needed my husband, and she knew that, so she was trying to grab his attention to isolate me.

 

The scene played out with me crying hysterically in a hospital bed accusing her of trying to take him away from me and him of wanting to go back, while my husband was trying to care of me while his phone was blowing up with claims that he didn't really care about the kids and she was leaving the state with them. It was an impossible situation.

 

If she knew how close we came to falling apart then, she'd be thrilled.

 

My hindsight glasses saw that it was out of our control and there's only so much we could do. Now I get that it's never just me and what I need. It's all of us, especially if she's pulling the kid card.

 

At the time, though, it was her being a pain, him indulging her, secretly planning to leave, and me saying I still felt like the outsider because it felt like her problems were taking him away from where I needed him.

 

Now I get just how intertwined she is and just try to accommodate it the best I can. But I think if now me could have warned then me about it, I would have handled it better. Or at least differently.

 

As for our timeline, our affair started one April almost 10 years ago. He left the first time 4ish months later, but he bounced back and forth a few times before leaving for final at the end of October the following year.

 

The first few times he left I thought it was for real, but the last time he was final and resolved, at peace with leaving and I saw that change, but didn't believe him and I had trust issues where I kind of protected myself from the hurt I thought would come. He's the first to say that his leaving the last time changed how I was in the relationship for awhile and it was a turning point in our dynamic.

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Lady Hamilton
I guess Im confused bc you say she sits on her butt all day but apparently shes a great mother to multiple kids kiving full time under her roof.

 

I think the issue isn't the being a housewife, it's the type of housewife one is.

 

If person A is a housewife who maintains the house, has the kids at home and is active with them and/or if they're in school and they're there as classroom volunteers and chaperones and room mothers, cooks for their meals...

 

But person B is a housewife who's clueless about the kids stuff at school and/or isn't involved, doesn't do things with the kids at home, sits all day in a dirty house while watching "Real Housewives" and telling the kids to go entertain themselves while giving them chips and PB&J for meals...

 

Clearly one is a more effective housewife than the other. It doesn't mean housewives are bad when we say some are better than others anymore than pointing out a problem employee who's not great at their job means all employed parents are sub-par...

 

Being a housewife is a hard job. The performance review of one doesn't reflect the attitudes one holds towards all.

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Now more than ever she will be a constant presence. Especially after custody and such are being decided and you become known. My biggest naive assumption was that when we went public and his divorce was underway, she'd be less a part of his life. The reality is the exact opposite. If anything, it was an open invitation to for her be totally intertwined in my life, and she totally exploited that to be as disruptive as possible.

 

For me, for a long time, that was the part that was the hardest. Especially when I was having fears he'd leave again.

 

My low point, when I almost snapped, was when I had a surgery I needed. First I had to get the date changed because the original date fell on a stretch we had the kids. My husband asked to take the kids the same amount of time later in the week, she said no. "This isn't my problem, I guess she should learn to go into the hospital and deal with her problems like a big girl." Because it was major surgery and I couldn't be alone and she wouldn't move the dates, my surgery had to be changed.

 

I was pissed.

 

Then on the new surgery date, she started frantically texting with an invented problem and she wouldn't take "not now" as an answer. I came unglued because I was scared and needed my husband, and she knew that, so she was trying to grab his attention to isolate me.

 

The scene played out with me crying hysterically in a hospital bed accusing her of trying to take him away from me and him of wanting to go back, while my husband was trying to care of me while his phone was blowing up with claims that he didn't really care about the kids and she was leaving the state with them. It was an impossible situation.

 

If she knew how close we came to falling apart then, she'd be thrilled.

 

My hindsight glasses saw that it was out of our control and there's only so much we could do. Now I get that it's never just me and what I need. It's all of us, especially if she's pulling the kid card.

 

At the time, though, it was her being a pain, him indulging her, secretly planning to leave, and me saying I still felt like the outsider because it felt like her problems were taking him away from where I needed him.

 

Now I get just how intertwined she is and just try to accommodate it the best I can. But I think if now me could have warned then me about it, I would have handled it better. Or at least differently.

 

As for our timeline, our affair started one April almost 10 years ago. He left the first time 4ish months later, but he bounced back and forth a few times before leaving for final at the end of October the following year.

 

The first few times he left I thought it was for real, but the last time he was final and resolved, at peace with leaving and I saw that change, but didn't believe him and I had trust issues where I kind of protected myself from the hurt I thought would come. He's the first to say that his leaving the last time changed how I was in the relationship for awhile and it was a turning point in our dynamic.

 

Ugh, that sounds like hell to go through. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Not sure if his exw is a borderline like his is, but this is insane the way they treat people. We aren't even in the stage where she knows.

 

I had surgery early last month - when they told me I needed someone to be there before and after because of anesthetia I literally broke down and cried - I had NO ONE who could be there. I called him and he was there with me.

 

We've been "together" since November 2013 - it took until October 2015 for him to commit to leaving her, and then finally end of April 2016 for him to make it happen.

 

I'm proud of him for doing it - if not for me, for himself. I know "they all say" this - but she talked to him and treated him like total ****. I've read many emails and texts (some he doesn't know I've read) and he was so sweet to her and she just nailed him. I don't understand why anyone would treat someone this way - he is seriously the sweetest man ever. And I've dated my fair share of *******s.

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Dancewithme

Careful in your judgement of MM's W and marriage.

 

If you and MM make it long term, she will be intertwined in your lives as the mother of his kids. For the kids' sake, it's time for you to take off the judgmental hat. This woman needs patience and empathy. Her marriage is ending, it sounds like against her will. And you and MM are trying to pull the wool over her eyes by hiding the fact that he left for another woman.

 

It's not your concern what kind of housewife she was, as long as MM is satisfied with her parenting skills.

 

One could judge MM on the kind of husband he was.

 

Yes, you've read emails where she comes off like a harpy to this "sweetest man ever". Did you ever think that this sweet man helped contribute to her attitude? Especially if his energy and attention was focused on the wooing of you. She's probably sensing that there's a whole lot more to his story than he's told her. I'm sorry, I'd be crazy too and act out if my hubby was living a secret life, and left me, and I felt there was more to the story.

 

 

With every situation, there are 3 sides: his, hers, and the truth.

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Careful in your judgement of MM's W and marriage.

 

If you and MM make it long term, she will be intertwined in your lives as the mother of his kids. For the kids' sake, it's time for you to take off the judgmental hat. This woman needs patience and empathy. Her marriage is ending, it sounds like against her will. And you and MM are trying to pull the wool over her eyes by hiding the fact that he left for another woman.

 

It's not your concern what kind of housewife she was, as long as MM is satisfied with her parenting skills.

 

One could judge MM on the kind of husband he was.

 

Yes, you've read emails where she comes off like a harpy to this "sweetest man ever". Did you ever think that this sweet man helped contribute to her attitude? Especially if his energy and attention was focused on the wooing of you. She's probably sensing that there's a whole lot more to his story than he's told her. I'm sorry, I'd be crazy too and act out if my hubby was living a secret life, and left me, and I felt there was more to the story.

 

 

With every situation, there are 3 sides: his, hers, and the truth.

 

I've seen enough of the story through emails and texts - of which, many he has no idea I've seen. She's lazy and thinks she married a millionaire when she didn't. Anyway, that's not the topic of this thread. Thanks though!!

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minimariah
His wife is starting to show signs of parental aliention, preventing him from talking with his children unless he comes over.

 

what kind of custody arrangement does he want...? can he get any kind of temporary custody arrangement before the court...? something that will guarantee him his parental rights & visitations, contact with the children...?

 

parental alienation syndrome is super harmful & he needs to react ASAP! kids should go to some kind of counseling, he should communicate with them openly - never against the mother but always reassuring them that he loves them & wants to spend time with them and that his home is always and forever theirs.

 

i think he should live on his own for some time (if that's even financially possible?) because i honestly feel like you're moving a little too quickly. getting his own place, where he'll see the kids should be some kind of goal right now. deal with the kids and possible parental alienation & go from there. after a few months pass, he can slowly introduce you to them.

 

also - he should go for AT LEAST joint physical custody. everything less than that... the parent who does not live with the kids is in a very vulnerable place and his xW might use that - do not let that happen.

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ladydesigner
Yeah, I have no problem with housewives in general. I'm a career focused woman, so it's just not me. My problem was her spending on CC cause while he makes well into the six figures, he wasn't a millionaire like she was spending. He's over $200K in CC debt right now from her cards - it's insane.

 

That's a very large debt whoa. I don't know their situation except for what is in text and if you could have seen some of my texts post DDay you would have thought I was abusive too. Has she always been this way or only during your A? She needs to get diagnosed if she is ill especially for her kids.

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SomethingToSay

I think OP said she has gone thru all his texts and emails back to 2008 (unbeknownst to MM) . So that would be pre this A.

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ladydesigner
I think OP said she has gone thru all his texts and emails back to 2008 (unbeknownst to MM) . So that would be pre this A.

 

She needs to see a therapist if she's having those kinds of episodes yikes! They can help her move on.

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Moxie Lady
Yeah, I have no problem with housewives in general. I'm a career focused woman

 

Sorry, but this is insulting and demeaning.

 

The term is not "housewife" but "stay-at-home mom". She has children right? He says shes a good mother? She is not a "housewife" and you are no better than her because you are a "career focused woman".

 

No offense but the topic of this thread is clear - I'm asking for advice on a particular subject. Please go somewhere else.

 

This is a public internet forum and it is my understanding that as long as people are within the forum guidelines they can post wherever they want.

 

I am sorry if I am coming across negatively, its not my intent. It has not been a good day but Im not taking that out on you. I just am so tired of seeing good people hurt.

 

There are 2 sides to every story. You dont learn one side just from reading text messages. You were not a fly on the wall during their marriage so you have no idea how he contributed to that relationship.

 

As for when you should stop worrying, my vote is: Never. He cheated and left his wife and kids once. He is capable of doing it again. Doesnt' matter if you are a wonderful career woman with dinner on the table and a clean house. Lots of people here were good spouses and still got cheated on. Good luck

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