Need your thoughts on this

[Moonlight01]

Hello everyone I am new here and I really need some insight. I hope someone can advise I am so lost.

I had an emotional affair with a married male coworker. I am a married female. We work in a large office building type setting. It started out as a friendship, he pursued me initially. He would bring me little things always stop by to talk to me etc. Eventually we started texting and that's when we became pretty close. It was a great feeling and he filled so many voids in my life and kept me company. We were both in unhappy marriage and feeling so alone.

Our relationship continued and we dated and talked constantly. He was always wanting to see and talk to me and vice versa.

Eventually my husband found out about the whole thing and of course it was a huge mess. Even tho we got found out (his wife didn't find out) i didn't want to lose AP because I felt so close to him. Even though he felt the same he never wanted to text or communicate outside of work only when we saw each other at work he would want to. I know he was so scared of my husband especially since he knew who he was. I am just so confused as to where our relationship is headed I mean AP keeps saying to me give it time, let things cool down and then we'll figure it out. It has been two months since d day.

I have tried to just forget him but that has been so hard. Both of us have gone back and forth on whether or not to end it. Please no judgemental comments. I know what I'm doing is wrong, I never saw myself getting into a situation like this. Please advise..

Edited May 24, 2016 by Moonlight01

[Conviction]

What kind of advice are you looking for? How to keep the affair going? Don't think you'll get much support for that.

 

My advice. Either end it with your husband, or end the affair. One of the two.

[SomethingToSay]

What is keeping you both from leaving your marriages and being together?

 

If leaving is not an option then what realistically is your goal? To just have the Affair until the end of your days? I dont see MM being down for that.

[Moonlight01]

Neither one of us is ready to leave our marriages at the moment for various reasons. Finances, children etc. I wish I knew what the goal is but I don't. I guess I just want to enjoy his company for as long as possible although I know that may not be realistic. I just never expected it to be this hard to walk away but it is. It's so hard to control feelings you never expected to come out.

[todreaminblue]

hey...it must be hard for you being so conflicted.....

 

 

loving whats wrong but knowing you want to do right and its so easy to fall into whats wrong...for after all who are you hurting?

 

thats my advice to you...think about who you are hurting and walk in their shoes......in your heart and mind......Imagine that hurt person is you...feel their hurt...envision the look on their face feel the pain in their heart by your actions.and every time you feel like doing the wrong thing....feel it like what you are doing is happening directly to you...that's empathy...it works......

 

for really who are you hurting...i know you crave to be with him......realize you may love him....but that other person who is married to him has loved him more than you could.....

 

 

ultimately the choice is yours.......

what should you do?...

what you could do?...

 

should ...is what should win..

it is what you can do ...thats right...i wish you peace.......deb

Edited May 25, 2016 by todreaminblue

[NTV]

You know, when I have a hard time sorting through difficult conflicting emotions, I find that journaling helps. A lot of times I can see things that after I write them out I'm like 'what the crap am I thinking?' or things others have said and it makes me go 'that doesn't make any sense'.

 

 

I think that journaling may help you a lot.

[Midwestmissy]

I say bring the mm's wife in on the conversation along with your bh and see how they feel about being placated and holding on until things cool down. I have a feeling you will be thrown under the bus immediately and won't have to worry about making a decision, it will have been made for you. Which is what you're doing to the betrayed spouses here - making decisions in their relationships for them without consulting them.

 

I'm pretty sure you know that a relationship based on lies isn't going to end so well, it's not making you very happy right now. That should be your biggest motivator.

[burnt]

I am just so confused as to where our relationship is headed

 

Nowhere productive.

 

Your relationship is headed on a dead-end road, where the last stop is filled with pain, suffering, regret, agony, anger, rage, humiliation, helplessness, abandonment, and more pain, more pain, more pain.

 

Not for both you and the MM. Just you. He will choose his wife, just like virtually all MM's do.

 

You always were and always will be his second choice--an extra distraction to supplement his REAL life with his WIFE.

 

End the affair NOW, not tomorrow, not next month, not next decade.

Now.

[SomethingToSay]

Is this truly just an emotional affair? Have you two ever had any physical contact - kissing, hand holding, sex? If not I have a hard time seeing why MM would continue jeopardizing gis own well being snd marriage for something non-physical. It sounds like you are much more invested and over romanticizing it

 

Why cant you work on your marriage and focus on that? Or separate. Why is money more important that happiness? But usimg an affair to cope with your troubled marriage is such poor decision making.

[privategal]

Oh goodness, I have to stop myself from writing a book.

My EA with former coworker began the same and spanned 15 years.

It ended with such shame, with every good memory desecrated, it ended with me on antidepressants to recover the tremendous pain.

I cant say loudly enough that you've just got to end it now.

EA is so so powerful. You are in a way a 9-5 substitute wife.

Your a time filler, an ego booster, a cheerleader.

When you are in the middle of it you cant even see what a crummy deal it is, you get desensitized to the hurt and confusion it costs you, its exhausting yet the attention and love bombs are just enough fuel to keep it going.

No matter what, please end it for your own sanity.

[Sabella]

I do understand that you are really struggling and in pain and I am sorry for that. I hope you get the clarity you deserve to make some difficult choices that are ahead for you.

 

If you can't respond or communicate here in this thread...I would suggest reading other threads. There are many, many disturbing patterns that you will notice. It will be a difficult, but an eye opening read.

[ShatteredLady]

To continue an affair after D-day is brutal, it truly is. You've seen your husbands pain. You've watched the destruction. There is something very, very wrong for you to intentionally plan to inflict EVEN MORE pain. Fake reconciliation is even worse than the original betrayal.

 

My question is HOW?

 

You say it's a 'bad marriage'. That phrase covers a multitude of sins. Do you have contempt, resentment, maybe even hated & vengence against your H?

 

If the answers to all that are "No!", if a single instinct is to defend your H, your M or your feelings then you are so deep in the "fog" that you have zero empathy or compassion.

 

I know this sounds harsh. If you reply that your H is abusive & you do feel all of those negatives we will help you to find the strength to leave & find a life of happiness. You WILL have my support. I can understand how women become/feel trapped & I KNOW it's so much easier to say "get divorced" than it is to actually do it.

 

If you do have feelings for your H. If this is a "I love him but I'm not in love with him" cliche then you need to take a very close look at what you've become & seek to rectify it before you reep even more destruction on innocent people.

 

 

Fake reconciliation is CRUEL, it is ABUSE.

[Jersey born raised]

I don't see where she commented on what she thought of her husband and her marriage. She did said the MOM was afraid of her husband but not why.

 

Moonlight01 I think you marriage is over and will end in divorce. I think so because of your absolute focus on OM and the stated reasons why you have not divorced. For this I am sorry for the four of you.

 

A false reconciliation is cruel for everyone involved. If you are staying out of fear of your husband there are a lot of organizations out there to help you.

 

This site may help The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help

 

If this is not the case, that you don't need this site, why are you not divorcing?

[TaraMaiden2]

You say it's a 'bad marriage'. ..

 

The OP has never mentioned her marriage being 'bad'. she just stated it was unhappy.

 

Ok, BLUNT post coming up.

 

You found comfort and solace within the company of a man who has made you feel more wonderful than your husband could, or it seems, can.

 

You chose to pursue this avenue, rather than addressing the 'unhappy' part of your marriage.

Of course.

It's much easier and more enticing, attractive and tempting to succumb to the pleasant feelings of an easy affair, rather than focus on the challenges and difficulties of addressing the problems in the marriage.

So you chose the easiest option, without stopping to think that in fact it was the road to perdition and further complicating unhappiness.

 

You cite the reason for not separating/divorcing as 'Finances/Children' (nice that they come second... wonder what a psychiatrist would say about that unconscious perspective?) but that's bull. People far poorer than you, with children, have divorced, so the reasons you give are not valid.

 

The bottom line is that you want the best of both worlds.

A comfy home, financial security and your family - AND the fun, frolics and flattery of the excitement of admiration, love and attention this man gives you.

 

He apparently will not make a move for fear of your husband (OMG, really....? ) but should perhaps have considered that before he tickled your fancy, in a manner of speaking.

 

No my dear, it's time to schuit or get off the pot.

You cannot be the classic cake-eater.

Look for another job, to distance yourself from this man, and tell your husband you will do whatever it takes to repair the damage you have caused, be it counselling, grovelling or being the dutiful, communicative wife.

 

OR:

 

Separate, file for divorce and get something moving.

 

But straddling the two is both impossible and ungainly.

 

Very unladylike.

[pheonixrisen]

The OP has never mentioned her marriage being 'bad'. she just stated it was unhappy.

 

Ok, BLUNT post coming up.

 

You found comfort and solace within the company of a man who has made you feel more wonderful than your husband could, or it seems, can.

 

You chose to pursue this avenue, rather than addressing the 'unhappy' part of your marriage.

Of course.

It's much easier and more enticing, attractive and tempting to succumb to the pleasant feelings of an easy affair, rather than focus on the challenges and difficulties of addressing the problems in the marriage.

So you chose the easiest option, without stopping to think that in fact it was the road to perdition and further complicating unhappiness.

 

You cite the reason for not separating/divorcing as 'Finances/Children' (nice that they come second... wonder what a psychiatrist would say about that unconscious perspective?) but that's bull. People far poorer than you, with children, have divorced, so the reasons you give are not valid.

 

The bottom line is that you want the best of both worlds.

A comfy home, financial security and your family - AND the fun, frolics and flattery of the excitement of admiration, love and attention this man gives you.

 

He apparently will not make a move for fear of your husband (OMG, really....? ) but should perhaps have considered that before he tickled your fancy, in a manner of speaking.

 

No my dear, it's time to schuit or get off the pot.

You cannot be the classic cake-eater.

Look for another job, to distance yourself from this man, and tell your husband you will do whatever it takes to repair the damage you have caused, be it counselling, grovelling or being the dutiful, communicative wife.

 

OR:

 

Separate, file for divorce and get something moving.

 

But straddling the two is both impossible and ungainly.

 

Very unladylike.

 

Divorce your h ...He should not be back up plan incase things with om does not work out ..

 

Did it occur to you om not wanting to make a move has nothing to do with you and your h and everything to do with his wife ...He might be scared your h may inform his wife ..

 

Most men do not leave their wife ...how about letting the wife in on the secret and see how fast you get thrown under the bus.

 

Either way you should divorce your h ...unhappy marriage does not give you a free pass to have an affair

[Satu]

People (usually) marry because they love their partner.

 

How did you get to a place of indifference regarding your husbands wellbeing?

 

What happened to bring you to this unhappy place?

[healingsoul]

Thank you for sharing and asking for advice. Your situation is common and it is very emotional. This is the very reason I strongly recommend to people who are married that they need boundaries to protect their marriage. Every marriage is vulnerable to affairs and all affairs begin in subtle, every so seemingly innocent connection with each other. While I do not intend to be judgmental, you have asked for advice and what you need to do is to let this AP go and not make contact with him. You need to be grateful that he is backing away but you need to stop all contact. Your own marriage is a different situation and one you need to decide on how you want to work on. In my opinion you need marriage counseling if your DH is willing. It is so easy to grow apart in a marriage but you need to realize that you may still be able to not only repair it but make it better than it has ever been. If you DH is willing to forgive and endure counseling many marriages that make it through these type of situations are stronger. It will take quite a while for your emotions to subside for AP but you can only start the process by setting up boundaries and not allowing contact.

[Moonlight01]

Thank you for the replies. Honestly I was hesitant to post on a board like this because there are a lot of things I don't want to disclose publicly. The reasons for not seeking a divorce now are rather complex, it's not so easy to just do that as many of you probably know. I have a lot to work through and a long road ahead. It's very painful.

 

Not sure if my marriage is salvageable but I will seek out some of the resources that were recommended and see where I can go from there. This place of unhappiness comes from many problems and issues that have developed over years. To clarify the affair was emotional and became somewhat physical. I know the right thing to do would be to end it with ap I just can't seem to get over him. I wish I could.

 

Taramaiden2 you have to be one of the most ignorant, bitter and hurtful people I have seen on here. You know nothing about me or my situation only what I have posted on here. It's so easy to sit behind a computer screen and post insults anonymously while judging others. Obviously you have never made mistakes in your life, hmm I wonder what you are doing on this board then?

Edited May 29, 2016 by Moonlight01

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hi Moonlight01,

 

No judgement here only hugs and love. I understand your situation (not the DDAY aspect) but the affair, filling the void, love, etc. We can advise you all day to run as far away from this as possible because like most affairs I can tell you the ending and it isn't pretty and there is a lot of hurt involved - you and everyone close to you. BUT unfortunately the crux of the matter is the choice has to be yours and often times the pull of the A is too much to resist.

 

I chose to walk away from a 10 month affair both EA and PA because the pain was just too great watching someone i loved so much live their life with someone else. I had many times of wanting to walk away and did but he always pulled me back in with promises and talk of love. It was like a balm that soothed the hurt. Eventually though his balm of broken promises wasn't soothing anymore and I had to soothe myself. I hope you get to a point sooner rather than later where you decide to walk away.

 

Hugs to you! Keep us updated.

[loveisanaction]

Taramaiden2 you have to be one of the most ignorant, bitter and hurtful people I have seen on here. You know nothing about me or my situation only what I have posted on here. It's so easy to sit behind a computer screen and post insults anonymously while judging others. Obviously you have never made mistakes in your life, hmm I wonder what you are doing on this board then?

 

Moonlight...Taramaiden2 was not being ignorant, bitter or hurtful, she may have been a little colorful in her choice of words in her last paragraph but she was telling you the truth. You know you can't continue this way; pinning over your married co-worker instead doing what needs to be done. You've got to make a decision either you divorce your husband or work on your marriage but staying married whilst holding a torch for your married co-worker is unfair to your husband.

 

I see a lot of posters coming on here saying that they don't want judgement or negativity but what they fail to realize is that just because a person does not agree with what they have done (or are doing) doesn't make them unsympathetic, judgmental or negative. Just because they're not saying what YOU want them to say or giving advice how YOU want them to give advice doesn't mean they're not telling you the truth.

 

I have read hundreds of stories on affairs and what i've noticed is that; when it comes to affairs hand-holding and babying almost always backfires. Majority of the time the person asking for advice usually goes right back into that affair or ends up in another one. Those who are told the bitter truth but still keep an open mind not matter however painful or hurtful the advice is are usually the ones who heal, move on and get themselves into real healthier relationships.

Edited May 29, 2016 by loveisanaction
Grammatical Error

[Josmatjes]

The bottom line is that you need to choose one way or the other. If its your husband..than he has to have you 100%! If you can't get the mm out of your thoughts than you need to get separated ! After my dday I still was in love with my now xmm and I knew it wasn't fair so I got separated and it's been like 8 months now. I have more clarity and I'm working on myself.

 

I know it's hard! It's awful. The first months and holidays separated were the worst, loneliness and tears and confusion. But I knew there was no other way! You can't hold onto two men and wait for the answer to just leap out at you, you need to find yourself and figure out what you want.

Don't worry about finances and living arrangements cause that will all fall into place. Getting your head straight is more important!! Good luck to you! Be strong! (((hugs)))

[13Hearts]

I know the right thing to do would be to end it with ap I just can't seem to get over him. I wish I could.

 

Yes you can. You just don't want to. You want the deep feelings to continue. I understand. Yes, the right thing to do would be to end it. But what is right and what is wrong was never the point, was it?

 

When I have placed myself in this kind of position in the past, time and time again, what I have had to ask myself was not what is right but what is HEALTHY for me. When I choose to continue doing what is unhealthy (and as dysfunctional as an extramarital affair), I have to admit to myself that I am not taking care of me.

 

Your affair is not healthy and you will waste a lot of your one precious life obsessed with it and with him.

[Moonlight01]

Thank you for the advice. Josmatjes if you don't mind me asking how is it going with the separation. I was thinking of the same. Are you planning to divorce?

[Josmatjes]

Thank you for the advice. Josmatjes if you don't mind me asking how is it going with the separation. I was thinking of the same. Are you planning to divorce?

 

Well in the beginning it was difficult but I knew in my heart I was not being fair to my husband. In 8 months I'm doing pretty good. I have good days and bad days. I get lonely in the weekends sometimes and at night cause my kids are getting older so it's kind of like a double whammy for me. I'm really on my own.

 

It would be sooooo easy to stay married cause lets face it, it's easier! But that would be me being weak cause I'm scared and I won't give in to that! My affair taught me what I want and what I don't want. Everything that happens to us in life is a lesson. You may not know what it is right now but someday you will see the bigger picture. For me it was an escape and I'm not going back. Yes I plan on divorcing but we are just staying separated for now cause financially it's working better for us. We still get along for our kids and we are mature about everything and that is the key to a separation or divorce when there are children involved. Be a grownuo.

 

If you or anyone else is thinking along these lines, I will say that it's scary being on your own. But you will get stronger everyday and amaze yourself. Don't stay in a deadend marraige out of fear and don't think it can work if you are still in love with another man cause in that case it will NEVER work. Cause if you loved your husband you never would of cheated in the first place. Cheating is a symptom to a bigger problem..

 

Ok that's just my two cents....

[Josmatjes]

Oh and one other thing.... I was so in love w my mm. We were together for a year and a half, after dday it ended but hen it was back and forth for awhile but things started disintegrating cause I'm looking for a better life and he is still in his same marraige. The devastation from our ending has almost killed me this past year. But he didnt choose me...but i choose me...if that makes sense! You need to let go of your mm to find yourself. I'm still looking everyday! Lol... It takes time but wanting him will cloud your vision. It takes a lot of time and tears unfortunately ...but if you hold on you are wasting your life away....I still have awful days... Yesterday in fact, but I've made some amazing friends on this site who talk to me and help me....keep on this site, it will help and PM me anytime....