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[Scarlette35]

I am married and have been in an affair with an ex coworker for 3 years. I can't believe it's gone on this long. We were friends at work for a year before the affair started. He wasn't married when we met but then had started seeing someone. Like I written see on here a lot, it just happened. We got along great, before I knew it we were having lunch everyday, emailing all day and then months later I realized I was falling for him. I told him we couldn't be friends anymore, I was married and I had feelings for him. He admitted the same and said he didn't want to lose me. I left my job a few months later and transferred out. That's when the affair really started.

When it started I couldn't leave my husband. I just didnt know how to do it. I was scared.

 

We have gone NC so many times but always go back to eachother. The longest was 3 months. He got engaged 2 months ago to the girl he started seeing befotr our affair started. I don't blame him for moving on, I'm still married but he has never stopped the affair with me. He always comes right back into it, saying he missed me, and that he doesn't want to lose out friendship. Our sexual connection is crazy. We haven't spoken since last week. He just stopped texting me. Usually he texts me every morning or maybe misses a day but not this long. I'm assuming he's trying to distance himself, and I understand but he couldn't at least tell me. I always told him when we needed to stop talking. makes me feel like garbage, and I know people on here will say "well what do you expect" but it's been 3 years, and he has never gone this long unless something was wrong. I saw him on FB all weekend so I know he's fine.

 

My husband and I separated in March. It's been bad for awhile and after being unhappy for a long time we both came to this decision.

 

I have know idea what I'm doing anymore. I just want to be able to move on but I can't. I feel like I'll never find anyone else like him again. He's good looking, funny, hard worker, great in bed. We have everything in common, same sense of humor, grew up in the same place, I could go on. We used to joke that it felt like we grew up in the same house because we are so similar. I guess we aren't though because he's moved on with someone else.

 

I don't know how to move on and get past this. Someone please tell me.

This was my first affair and I feel like it has broken me completely. my self esteem is shot, I think about him all day everyday. I replay everything over the last three years over and over. I have a great job, friends, family but I can't get over this person, yet I know how extremely messed up this whole situation is.

 

Thanks everyone

[Sabella]

Hi Scarlet . I'd say welcome to the forum, but that sounds weird to me as none of us really want to be here. Yet here we are.

 

This is the tough part, the pain of the loss, the hard realizations that you may have been in an affair fog and not seen things clearly. I'm also in the beginning of processing my A as well as a ton of other life ****. There is support here and some tough love that will come your way....which may or may not apply. Just stay open to the process, and it is a process.

 

Some of the kindest advice if received is to not beat yourself up too much and to take things one step at a time. I offer that to you as well.

 

You need some time and distance to become clear. I repeat, time and distance, it's a really huge component. Give that gift to yourself right now, however you need to.

 

Big hugs

[BuddyX]

Used the following quote so many times it's getting depressing.

 

"Closure" is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for beinYou get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look...

g foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see again is yourself. Before you got all weak. So look at yourself in the mirror and say: "You know what, I ****ed up" that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're in hell."

 

 

"You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look..."

[Sabella]

I totally agree with Buddyx about closure or lack thereof. My AP and I actually said goodbye to each other. Should have been an open and shut case...he made his choice and I would and will honor that.

 

Now that there has been NC for almost a month (brutal and painful is an understatement some days). I have since come out of my affair fog a bit and really wanted to just reach out and scream some things at him, let him have it for some inconsistencies I have since come to realize, some lies.

 

Sometimes I have to trick myself not to reach out to him. But really, if I caved and did break NC, what would that really accomplish? I may feel an initial release from venting, but I would also be back at square one with him energetically and not be moving forward. There is no true closure in these cases. You just have to fight for yourself now, not for what you thought he was, or what you thought you were together. You have to let that go, hard as it is.

 

Be strong, you deserve more. Move forward baby step at a time. Hugs

[lemondrop21]

I totally agree with Buddyx about closure or lack thereof. My AP and I actually said goodbye to each other. Should have been an open and shut case...he made his choice and I would and will honor that.

 

Now that there has been NC for almost a month (brutal and painful is an understatement some days). I have since come out of my affair fog a bit and really wanted to just reach out and scream some things at him, let him have it for some inconsistencies I have since come to realize, some lies.

 

Sometimes I have to trick myself not to reach out to him. But really, if I caved and did break NC, what would that really accomplish? I may feel an initial release from venting, but I would also be back at square one with him energetically and not be moving forward. There is no true closure in these cases. You just have to fight for yourself now, not for what you thought he was, or what you thought you were together. You have to let that go, hard as it is.

 

Be strong, you deserve more. Move forward baby step at a time. Hugs

Yes, Sabella you are exactly right. I think I've even said this to you before; if not, then someone else on this board. I was NC for a while. I'm not NC anymore. I had some really bad days in NC and some ok days and even a rare good day. Since breaking NC (in order to tell him off, as you want to do) I've had really bad days, ok days and the occasional good day. Net result is the same. Initially I got the validation that he missed me and blah blah blah. But as time goes on and he continues with his sham happy life, it actually feels worse than it probably would have if I had just stayed NC all along.

 

Keep NC, break NC, no matter what it's still painful for a good long time.

 

Best of luck to you and hugs.

[Tayla]

My gift for you is simple- I pray you never do encounter a man of this nature again.

 

May you live long enough to change your ways and long live with what impact this had on marriages. Hope and wisdom, they do wonders.

[privategal]

Im sorry this hurts.

You both really are to blame and its always fascinating how you mentioned to him you need to stop talking, but then he finally stops yet it hurts you. You both have been nc and back and forth in and out of hell and chaos. Sometimes one AP gets strong and realizes its toxic and needs to end. Surely you can see this with some time and space that you are both suffering in a viscious cycle.

You've acknowledged it needed to stop. He finally took you up on it.

I think it just hurts he proposed. But imagine when he was single and watched you be married.

You are trading roles.

He likely wanted this engagement to be a new start to begin to live a normal healthy honest life.

It had to create alot of guilt to propose while living a double life.

If you truly love and care for him you will let him go and do not make any contact nor respond to any.

In time you will heal.

It starts with accepting the end.

Knowing and believing its over.

Have some heart to hearts with some friends or a therapist.

Get started on greiving.

It will hurt for a very long time and the peircing pain will feel relentless and brutal but I promise it will soften.

At first it feels like you cant live, function eat or sleep...then you pass through more equally painful stages, some aanger..or alot of anger...the bargaining stage is most draining because you feel you want to talk talk talk to them.

It all is hard at the start and Im warning yyou of this so you know it is normal and to recognize we all experience the depth of pain and debilitating lows.

Personally I came out of EA of 15 years...I had about 10 or more days of feeling ok after the initial 5-6 weeks of severe greif....then relapsed to severe depression out of the clear blue sky.

I rushed to get medication and it has helped me. It is not for everyone.

Right now you need to cry and in a few days...see if you want counseling or to cofide in friends and how you feel you can proceed. It will get better in time but right now is your hardest time.

Please block. Please delete FB also.

[Jersey born raised]

I don't understand him. You are separated and divorcing why will he not commit to you? It sounds like this is a very one sided relationship.

[ChickiePops]

I don't understand him. You are separated and divorcing why will he not commit to you? It sounds like this is a very one sided relationship.

 

Because he's engaged to another woman. Perhaps his fiancée discovered the affair. Or perhaps now that the OP is free and clear, she has a lot less to lose than he does and he got nervous that she would expose him to the fiancée. Or maybe he just felt guilty or got bored. Could be any number of things.

[privategal]

He is not yet married and you are free.

He could easily without a wife and children choose to break up with her and be with you after 3 years of an A.

He chose to propose to her and now Id leave him to his choice, grieve the end, heal and make a new start.

Its interesting he is choosing to marry a woman he has already cheated on for 3 years. That marriage doesnt seem likely to suceed.

No less, choices were made and he is not the one for you.

This was seemingly an exit affair for you.

It helped get you through to be brave enough to leave an unhappy marriage.

You need to see this is a fresh exciting new time in your life now.

Leave this old tired affair that has run its course behind you.

Both of you reached a crossroad and it is abundantly clear you should now move on!

[Scarlette35]

Yes, Sabella you are exactly right. I think I've even said this to you before; if not, then someone else on this board. I was NC for a while. I'm not NC anymore. I had some really bad days in NC and some ok days and even a rare good day. Since breaking NC (in order to tell him off, as you want to do) I've had really bad days, ok days and the occasional good day. Net result is the same. Initially I got the validation that he missed me and blah blah blah. But as time goes on and he continues with his sham happy life, it actually feels worse than it probably would have if I had just stayed NC all along.

 

Keep NC, break NC, no matter what it's still painful for a good long time.

 

Best of luck to you and hugs.

 

Thank you, I agree totally.

[Confused9999]

Sounds very similar to mine. Mine Lasted close to 3 years.

I'm married and she cheated on her new Bf for 1 year during the A but eventually said she couldn't do this anymore.

 

We have been in and out of NC for months. It's really not easy and there is NO closure.. There can't be since there is no reason for breaking up really. We still have exactly the same feelings for each other.

 

I feel better in NC for a while, then really feel like breaking NC.

But it does get better over time. I haven't been sexually with her for 6 months now and it's fading, which is a good thing.

 

Hang in there!

[Scarlette35]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your replies.

 

Today is a week of silence. I know if I email or text him he will reply with some excuse but that's all it will be. I want to email him so bad and tell him how hurt I am that after 3 years he can just disappear on me. I think it's so cold. Yes I know the whole affair is wrong but that doesn't make me feel any better. I would respect him more if he could have said "hey, I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry but we need to end it" not jus stop speaking to someone after 3 years like they never mattered. I feel like discarded garbage. I can't stop crying, I'm sick to my stomach, I feel so hurt and I don't know how to move past this. He never wanted to be the bad guy, he hates anyone being mad at him. He's a huge conflict avoider but him doing this is everything he said he would never do.

[Confused9999]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your replies.

 

Today is a week of silence. I know if I email or text him he will reply with some excuse but that's all it will be. I want to email him so bad and tell him how hurt I am that after 3 years he can just disappear on me. I think it's so cold. Yes I know the whole affair is wrong but that doesn't make me feel any better. I would respect him more if he could have said "hey, I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry but we need to end it" not jus stop speaking to someone after 3 years like they never mattered. I feel like discarded garbage. I can't stop crying, I'm sick to my stomach, I feel so hurt and I don't know how to move past this. He never wanted to be the bad guy, he hates anyone being mad at him. He's a huge conflict avoider but him doing this is everything he said he would never do.

 

 

Yes that would suck!

But keep in mind that my OW and I never did that and would always talk it through very nicely without hurting each other....

it would still hurt no matter how we did it and we broke NC many timing.

 

So although it sounds cruel... To be honest there is no good way. Just total NC no matter how it got there.

[Scarlette35]

We have also gone NC twice before. We did the whole talking about it, saying goodbye and it lasted a few months. It still hurt like hell and we still thought about eachother all the time but at least then I knew why we weren't speaking. It was always me that went NC and we always discussed it first.

 

This feels like he woke up one day and erased me. I saw him the day before he stopped texting me. He was fine, we had no fight or anything and then this.

[lemondrop21]

We have also gone NC twice before. We did the whole talking about it, saying goodbye and it lasted a few months. It still hurt like hell and we still thought about eachother all the time but at least then I knew why we weren't speaking. It was always me that went NC and we always discussed it first.

 

This feels like he woke up one day and erased me. I saw him the day before he stopped texting me. He was fine, we had no fight or anything and then this.

That is really tough, I'm so sorry as that must have been so painful. No DDay?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if my MM/xMM (ok I'm still half involved in this) did that to me one day. It could even happen tomorrow. His last text to me would be some comment about him needing a glass of wine. Then poof, I'd never hear a word from him again.

 

Actually, the only reason this probably hasn't happened before is because of work... He knows that if he disappeared with no explanation, I could barge into his office if I wanted to. And he's very sensitive to people seeing me in his office causing a scene, lest they suspect something.

 

Does this apply to your situation? Could you theoretically just turn up and possibly embarrass him? I would think the threat of that situation would have meant that he would at least tell you before going NC.

[privategal]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your replies.

 

Today is a week of silence. I know if I email or text him he will reply with some excuse but that's all it will be. I want to email him so bad and tell him how hurt I am that after 3 years he can just disappear on me. I think it's so cold. Yes I know the whole affair is wrong but that doesn't make me feel any better. I would respect him more if he could have said "hey, I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry but we need to end it" not jus stop speaking to someone after 3 years like they never mattered. I feel like discarded garbage. I can't stop crying, I'm sick to my stomach, I feel so hurt and I don't know how to move past this. He never wanted to be the bad guy, he hates anyone being mad at him. He's a huge conflict avoider but him doing this is everything he said he would never do.

 

 

Are you open to seeking closure?

Would you agree its time to end?

I am a HUGE advocate of NC but if the abrupt ending will not serve you to let go and move on and you are certain he will reply, then Id just seek a firm ending.

Be prepared it will hurt but maybe solidifying the end will help?

[Jersey born raised]

What is it do you really want? Do you want a full time exclusive relationship with him? Do you want him to continue with the affair? If you want to heal you need to address why you are crying.

 

You are separated. Are you divorcing? Did you hope by separating it would cause him to commit to you? My ex's adultery was the result of limerence. The second she bought a place and mored out,

 

He can move ahead easily because he has a goal that does not include you. You on the other hand do not. Find a goal and go for it.

Edited May 28, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[loveisanaction]

I think i agree with the poster who said why won't he be with you now that you are separated from your husband? He has no wife and no children holding him back from being with you; wouldn't now be the perfect time for him to move towards being in a relationship with you? Instead, he's choosing to distance himself from you.

 

He had an affair with you for 3 years and now that you are single and available to be his, he's not interested?

 

I don't get it...

[Pollyannaslim]

Oh my dear friend, I am so sorry you are hurting…

When any relationship comes to an end it is painful – especially when it feels as though so many things are left “unsaid." Because you are having a difficult time getting through this, I am wondering if you have considered IC? There are so many tools available to you that can help you navigate the grieving/healing process. One of great benefit is mindfulness – no it isn’t easy to change our thoughts, but with time and discipline, replacing a negative with a positive becomes second nature. It can even help in replacing those pleasurable memories –that momentarily feel good, but aren’t necessarily good for one’s well-being. Would you consider looking into a support group; many churches host Celebrate Recovery – through them, you might even find an accountability partner who can help you in adhering to NC! And I do understand wanting to say good bye, but I wonder… can a “face to face” really accomplish more than a “ceremonial” good-bye to the affair itself; and how it temporarily filled a void? Just a step in the journey as you begin to embrace the joy that permanently surrounds you. I do get it’s hard to see that clearly now, but as time passes, I believe you will discover how differently life looks without the emotional weight you’ve been carrying for so long.

 

 

There is one thing in your op that really jumped out at me and that is when you mentioned you and your H are recently separated. If I may ask, do you and he keep the lines of communication open regarding where you both plan to go from this point on? In other words, have either of you ever discussed a possibility of reconciliation? Might there be? I realize you both have a great deal of healing to do; taking what is learned from each of your own journeys and applying it to the next. It is my hope that (journey) could be one of marriage restoration. Is this something you would be willing to explore? I know you still have so much to work through, and even though A LOT has taken place, once you do begin to see things clearly you will see that there are second chances. Believe, me I am not, in ANY WAY, diminishing the hurt you are experiencing now, but have you thought that maybe – just maybe – this is an opportunity to consider that second chance? Couples can find their way back together. Marriages CAN heal. Two people can heal together. I have witnessed miracles happen in a marriage that most would think beyond repair! With God, truly... ALL things are possible!

 

 

 

Scarlette35, I wish you well and will be thinking about you, keeping you in my prayers. Again, I am so sorry you are hurting. If you’re comfortable doing so, please surround yourself with a good support system. There are so many who can help. If you are not sure where to even begin, a Pastor can be a great start! Take care of yourself - Eat! And rest when you can.

-P

[13Hearts]

Try to understand that having an affair with someone is nothing like being in a relationship with them. Google affair fog and read.

 

I'm going to tell you something that sounds really mean but it's not; it's quite the opposite. Someone said this to me decades ago, when I really needed to hear it, and it literally saved my life.

 

You need to get a life.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Scarlette, how are things going? Have you been able to keep up the NC?

 

I am watching your story as I am on day 14 of NC (or LM since we work together). I consider it NC because we haven't talked face-to-face and the two emails we have had were strictly work.

 

I really have a feeling your exOP will reach out to you at some point and try to pull you back in. Typically when it ends rather abruptly like yours did that tends to happen when he gets bored or wants someone to boost his self esteem (I know it sucks to hear but that is what affairs are about). Do you have a plan for if or when you do suddenly hear from him?

 

During my 10 month affair I tried to walk away many of times. I tried to do it abruptly (simply ignoring him) , I tried to play the victim and make him choose me or her, i tried to have nice face-to-face conversations and end it like a lady.. every single one of those hurt and we always fell back into it because i never clearly ended things. I always left the door open. This past ending was it for me. He had told me he would walk away because he wanted to be with me but after a month i saw behavior in him that told me the complete opposite story. Our last conversation ended in me losing my s*&^ so to speak (very unlike me) and saying some very choice words most of which included I am done and to take me out of the equation of his life (I am done was screamed quite a few times).. I also told him he sold me a bucket of lies which he didn't like because he preferred to be in control of the situation and he wasn't. I then sent a text asking that he stay away from me, blocked him on everything except work email and called it a day. It was messy and I was mean, there was no nicey nicey and 14 days of NC he hasn't once tried to contact me via work email. I not only burned the bridge in my opinion i blew that mother up. What I am saying is no ending is perfect, in an affair you NEVER get the closure you want/need. You just have to make the choice and move on. It sucks, it's hard and you want to go back every day so anticipate that and just keep trucking.

 

Hang in there!

[13Hearts]

Scarlette, how are things going? Have you been able to keep up the NC?

 

I am watching your story as I am on day 14 of NC (or LM since we work together). I consider it NC because we haven't talked face-to-face and the two emails we have had were strictly work.

 

I really have a feeling your exOP will reach out to you at some point and try to pull you back in. Typically when it ends rather abruptly like yours did that tends to happen when he gets bored or wants someone to boost his self esteem (I know it sucks to hear but that is what affairs are about). Do you have a plan for if or when you do suddenly hear from him?

 

During my 10 month affair I tried to walk away many of times. I tried to do it abruptly (simply ignoring him) , I tried to play the victim and make him choose me or her, i tried to have nice face-to-face conversations and end it like a lady.. every single one of those hurt and we always fell back into it because i never clearly ended things. I always left the door open. This past ending was it for me. He had told me he would walk away because he wanted to be with me but after a month i saw behavior in him that told me the complete opposite story. Our last conversation ended in me losing my s*&^ so to speak (very unlike me) and saying some very choice words most of which included I am done and to take me out of the equation of his life (I am done was screamed quite a few times).. I also told him he sold me a bucket of lies which he didn't like because he preferred to be in control of the situation and he wasn't. I then sent a text asking that he stay away from me, blocked him on everything except work email and called it a day. It was messy and I was mean, there was no nicey nicey and 14 days of NC he hasn't once tried to contact me via work email. I not only burned the bridge in my opinion i blew that mother up. What I am saying is no ending is perfect, in an affair you NEVER get the closure you want/need. You just have to make the choice and move on. It sucks, it's hard and you want to go back every day so anticipate that and just keep trucking.

 

Hang in there!

 

Same thing here. I tried every damn thing to get xMM to just GO AWAY and he would not. As long as I was talking to him, or answering his million texts each day, he was chasing me, buying me stuff, flattering me, acting like we're in this wonderful, committed relationship with marriage, a million dollar house, and happily ever after in our future. Like I couldn't see STRAIGHT through him and all his pretending by this point. Nevermind that i didn't want to marry, didn't want a million dollar house, and wasn't getting anything I wanted out of the relationship (like a normal BF to do things with after work and on weekends).

 

Every single reason I gave him as to why he did not mean the things he was saying, or why they were pipe dreams so to speak, he had an answer for. It's beyond ridiculous how demented he must be!

 

Honestly? I think it's a game they play. And as long as you play along, he is content. The only way to get out of it is to STOP PLAYING THEIR GAME. Don't try to reason with them or show or tell them how much they are hurting you. YOUR hurt is YOUR responsibility, not his. We have to shut the door and walk away, and don't turn back.