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Obsessively stalking the wife


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Okay, obviously this is not something I am proud to confess.

 

MM told me long time ago that he doesn't have a FB account. But some time back, I tried to search relentlessly by typing in the keywords on FB search machine which led me to his high school friend's profile with the mention of the birth of their first daughter and the wife's name, as well as a bunch of high school reunion photos etc.

 

Subsequently, I found their wedding albums online where the bride and bridegroom looked happy in photos!! I cant believe that MM lied about the age he got married!!

 

Oh gosh, I know mine was a physical affair but MM did compliment a ****load about me from the start to make me feel so goddamn special. Now, that was a real slap in the face because I felt like a piece of garbage if I were to stand next to the wife because the wife is undeniably stunningly gorgeous. And me, being nothing more than a 10 years younger fresh meat, was naively ridiculous to think that MM was happy when he was with me because maybe.. the wife at home was possibly unattractive.. but that was obviously not the case.

 

Then I found out the wife's FB account, her full names, her workplace, her cellphone number (I added her as my contact just so I could get to see her changing the whatsapp profile pic) and her colleagues. Through there, I found out another bunch of her photos (dated many years back till the most recent ones), be it through the work events she participated in or taken from her friends' social media accounts. So she is still a working professional, keeping herself in good shape despite the age.. with nice make up and whatnot..

 

Since then, I loathed myself. The last meetup with MM was more than 3 weeks ago. We have yet to text each other once ever since then. Then I realized another hard truth - apart from the initial wooing stage, I was mostly the one initiating the contact for remaining of the year and creating/ manipulating the opportunities to meet him, without knowing the true extent of his enthusiasm. I guess whenever I did offer to meet him, men generally would feel flattered and would not turn down such effortless booty calls.

 

Now when I finally stopped the initiating ****, as time passed by, I could finally see the reality for what it is. I went from the initial confidence that he would surely contact me by the first week to depression when he is still not contacting me now when entering the 4th week. I have yet to block him because I am still waiting for him to initial contact just so I can ignore him (what a sweet revenge it is gonna be).. but these days, it is really hard to stomach the reality that I am worse than a prostitute or escort, not even a friend whom he would spend 5 minutes asking how I was doing lately albeit how busy he was.. :(

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imperfectangel

I found my mm's w Facebook though I did not search for phone numbers/looking through pictures other than what's already there (PF pic/cover photo) that's was enough for me. Very sobering

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He is where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

Sorry to be blunt, but he isn't doing this to you.

 

You're doing this to yourself.

You can blame him as much as you like, but really you've only got yourself to blame.

 

Maybe its time to stop hitting yourself on the kneecap with that hammer.

 

 

Take care.

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Girlfromcali

Even though this probably isn't going to make you feel any better, let me assure you it wouldn't make any difference were the wife an ugly, fat, troll looking woman.

 

Just because you're prettier, younger, wittier, smarter, funnier...none of those things make any difference...you'd feel the same pain regardless in the end. Trust me on this one.

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imperfectangel

Tbh seeing her page confirmed to me how fake Facebook actually is. She's uploading happy family pics while he's emailing me literally at the same time. Nice.

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Tbh seeing her page confirmed to me how fake Facebook actually is. She's uploading happy family pics while he's emailing me literally at the same time. Nice.

Chances are the wife could be denying MM sex at home as I have accidentally discovered one day that MM has joined an online support group where men rant about not getting deserved sex at home albeit married.. but how does that make us feel better if we keep telling ourselves that social medias are not displaying everything? :(

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Girlfromcali

It's not Facebook, it's Fakebook.

 

I see so many "happy families" of my coworkers that are screwing each other in the office. Happier their pictures, more miserable they probably are.

 

People that actually are happy don't need to prove it to the world constantly. (Unless your R is new, in which case it would be understandable).

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Tbh seeing her page confirmed to me how fake Facebook actually is. She's uploading happy family pics while he's emailing me literally at the same time. Nice.

 

Who knows, though? Is it the pics that are fake, or his characterization of his home life?

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Girlfromcali
Chances are the wife could be denying MM sex at home as I have accidentally discovered one day that MM has joined an online support group where men rant about not getting deserved sex at home albeit married.. but how does that make us feel better if we keep telling ourselves that social medias are not displaying everything? :(

 

Lol...he seems like a catch. :rolleyes:

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notthechosen1

I can relate, same thing happened to me. Except my MM told me lies about his wife and how unattractive she was, she didn't keep her self up, etc etc.

I found her facebook and was beyond shocked at how stunning she is!!

 

My MM has since had a D-Day and I am out. Just like that! I was the same as you, the one mainly doing the chasing. When I think back to the beginning of it all I had thought he was doing a lot of the initiating by flirting and complimenting me, talking to me when he could. But as time passed and looking back now, I realize all he did was flirt and somewhat chase me and I was the one who opened up the invitation to go further. This makes me ill as I realize I chased a married man who clearly lied about his situation.

 

I still have not heard from my MM. We do act civil as we still work together. I am currently looking for another job and setting up interviews. I have been an emotional wreck, bitter, depressed and any other emotion you can imagine.

 

I almost wish she didn't know so I could feel better by outing him to his wife!! If she didn't know, I would have told her by now! When I look at him at work I just seethe with anger and resentment! How he can just carry on living his life, wife seems happy, he seems happy, they affair is out in the open in their marriage and I'm left here all alone as my husband has left me and moved on to someone else. I reached out to my husband after my affair ended in a desperate plea for some attention or a friend, and he was cold and said that divorce papers are on the way. So, alone again I am. And for what? a married man who felt he had to fill an emotional void with me bc he wasn't getting it from his wife!

 

I keep obsessing over her page as well :( I know I need to stop but I just can't seem to let that go yet. I feel your pain. Every day for weeks I kept wishing that mm would just send me ONE email, just ONE message. and nothing!!! nothing at all. When I see him at work and he's "forced" to talk to me to act civil around others, you can tell the difference. He doesn't even want to talk to me anymore, look at me. He avoids me at all costs and looks at me like I'm the most disgusting person ever when just months ago I was the best thing to ever have happened to him! So so sorry you are going through this as well :(

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I can relate, same thing happened to me. Except my MM told me lies about his wife and how unattractive she was, she didn't keep her self up, etc etc.

I found her facebook and was beyond shocked at how stunning she is!!

 

My MM has since had a D-Day and I am out. Just like that! I was the same as you, the one mainly doing the chasing. When I think back to the beginning of it all I had thought he was doing a lot of the initiating by flirting and complimenting me, talking to me when he could. But as time passed and looking back now, I realize all he did was flirt and somewhat chase me and I was the one who opened up the invitation to go further. This makes me ill as I realize I chased a married man who clearly lied about his situation.

 

I still have not heard from my MM. We do act civil as we still work together. I am currently looking for another job and setting up interviews. I have been an emotional wreck, bitter, depressed and any other emotion you can imagine.

 

I almost wish she didn't know so I could feel better by outing him to his wife!! If she didn't know, I would have told her by now! When I look at him at work I just seethe with anger and resentment! How he can just carry on living his life, wife seems happy, he seems happy, they affair is out in the open in their marriage and I'm left here all alone as my husband has left me and moved on to someone else. I reached out to my husband after my affair ended in a desperate plea for some attention or a friend, and he was cold and said that divorce papers are on the way. So, alone again I am. And for what? a married man who felt he had to fill an emotional void with me bc he wasn't getting it from his wife!

 

I keep obsessing over her page as well :( I know I need to stop but I just can't seem to let that go yet. I feel your pain. Every day for weeks I kept wishing that mm would just send me ONE email, just ONE message. and nothing!!! nothing at all. When I see him at work and he's "forced" to talk to me to act civil around others, you can tell the difference. He doesn't even want to talk to me anymore, look at me. He avoids me at all costs and looks at me like I'm the most disgusting person ever when just months ago I was the best thing to ever have happened to him! So so sorry you are going through this as well :(

His wife is stunning.. I can't get over that.. I have to do something about my esteem damage at this point..

 

I just wished he would text me sooner, just so I could instantly block his ass to show him "aha go **** yourself"..

 

Am meeting up single guys at the moment, hopefully eventually I can be free from this and take it as a life lesson while working on myself..

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Girlfromcali
His wife is stunning.. I can't get over that.. I have to do something about my esteem damage at this point..

 

I just wished he would text me sooner, just so I could instantly block his ass to show him "aha go **** yourself"..

 

Am meeting up single guys at the moment, hopefully eventually I can be free from this and take it as a life lesson while working on myself..

 

You're such a rookie!

 

Listen, grasshopper..he will not text you, you will reach out for him first. And even if he does text you, you won't block him. :(

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privategal

Without judgement, hopefully you can get out of this phase of online stalking.

Its given you the knowledge you need.

Clearly its hurtful to see and Im sure you dont want to keep doing that to yourself.

It is very hard when you feel that first realization it wasnt as special as it seemed. It didnt mean as much as you thought. It hurts all of us alot.

I feel at a loss for what advice to give beyond maybe the simple brave step to delete your fb and other apps where you can stalk them so you can begin to get away from this obsession and begin the steps of grieving and let go.

I give you credit that you are planning to ignore his first contact.

Id say take that one step further and block (I know this advice gets old) so that you aren't waiting on his message and are not able to even see a text or call or email.

Its a tough but necessary step in healing. Im sure all of our ego's hope they will try to come back. I know it feels good to see them try, feels like we get even in some respect to hurt them back...but really the entire time we are keeping the door open to hurt ourselves, they shouldnt be allowed the privelege to reach out to us as a friend or family member would.

Once something like an A is over and we have been brutally hurt, it has got to be up to us to protect ourselves from being sought after again either under the guise of friendship, or drawn back into A, fishing, guilt releasing, or breadcrumbs.

No matter the reason they may recontact...none of it is out of genuine love or concern, and it will serve you well to never let him have access to your heart again by blocking. It takes courage and strength and will deny you the satusfaction of seeing him someday try...but its much more worth it to close and lock the door and not even grant him the privelege of reaching you again.

There is also no shame in getting help from a counselor and if necessary antidepressants. Again this is common advice here so I hate to beat a dead horse but I have seen many people here find relief from taking these measures.

 

Thank you for your courage in posting your confession. This means you know its wrong for you and Im believing you will now take steps to break this obsession. Again Id begin by deleting social media and apps. Best wishes.

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You're such a rookie!

 

Listen, grasshopper..he will not text you, you will reach out for him first. And even if he does text you, you won't block him. :(

I have lasted more than 3 weeks without initiating any contact with him. I will last however longer it takes till he reaches out for me first..

 

I might or might not block him but I wouldn't respond to him sweetly like last time :(

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Girlfromcali
I have lasted more than 3 weeks without initiating any contact with him. I will last however longer it takes till he reaches out for me first..

 

I might or might not block him but I wouldn't respond to him sweetly like last time :(

 

 

We will see..I'll get my popcorn ready. ;)

 

Seriously good job on three weeks of NC! Best I've ever done is ten days :(

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His wife is stunning.. I can't get over that.. I have to do something about my esteem damage at this point..

 

I just wished he would text me sooner, just so I could instantly block his ass to show him "aha go **** yourself"..

 

Am meeting up single guys at the moment, hopefully eventually I can be free from this and take it as a life lesson while working on myself..

 

 

A life lesson? what ever could that be?

 

I highly discourage "revenge". I do not feel you are ready to "date" with an attitude such as displayed here. The self inflicted hurt is fresh and the animosity even more so. Take some time out.

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Without judgement, hopefully you can get out of this phase of online stalking.

Its given you the knowledge you need.

Clearly its hurtful to see and Im sure you dont want to keep doing that to yourself.

It is very hard when you feel that first realization it wasnt as special as it seemed. It didnt mean as much as you thought. It hurts all of us alot.

I feel at a loss for what advice to give beyond maybe the simple brave step to delete your fb and other apps where you can stalk them so you can begin to get away from this obsession and begin the steps of grieving and let go.

I give you credit that you are planning to ignore his first contact.

Id say take that one step further and block (I know this advice gets old) so that you aren't waiting on his message and are not able to even see a text or call or email.

Its a tough but necessary step in healing. Im sure all of our ego's hope they will try to come back. I know it feels good to see them try, feels like we get even in some respect to hurt them back...but really the entire time we are keeping the door open to hurt ourselves, they shouldnt be allowed the privelege to reach out to us as a friend or family member would.

Once something like an A is over and we have been brutally hurt, it has got to be up to us to protect ourselves from being sought after again either under the guise of friendship, or drawn back into A, fishing, guilt releasing, or breadcrumbs.

No matter the reason they may recontact...none of it is out of genuine love or concern, and it will serve you well to never let him have access to your heart again by blocking. It takes courage and strength and will deny you the satusfaction of seeing him someday try...but its much more worth it to close and lock the door and not even grant him the privelege of reaching you again.

There is also no shame in getting help from a counselor and if necessary antidepressants. Again this is common advice here so I hate to beat a dead horse but I have seen many people here find relief from taking these measures.

 

Thank you for your courage in posting your confession. This means you know its wrong for you and Im believing you will now take steps to break this obsession. Again Id begin by deleting social media and apps. Best wishes.

Thanks a lot. That's the correct thing to do. I know I have been obsessively checking my phone to see if I get his text messages everyday for past few weeks. I promise I would try.. one step at a time..

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I also went through a phase where I watched their Facebook accounts. Figuring out all the new, happy, photos and how they coincided with what we were doing. It was pretty disturbing and just made me Crazy, but I found it difficult to look away.

 

It has since been almost a month since we ended things and have NC. I had to delete my FB account and the games we played and the chat app we used. I had to completely disengage for my own sanity. I'm still tempted often to look and possibly reach out to him, but he doesn't deserve my attention any longer. I think for me it was like an addiction, had to go cold turkey!

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imperfectangel
Who knows, though? Is it the pics that are fake, or his characterization of his home life?

 

Probably a good mixture of both though I must admit we never really talked about his family life u less he bought it up and I said as little as possible

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Girlfromcali
Thanks a lot. That's the correct thing to do. I know I have been obsessively checking my phone to see if I get his text messages everyday for past few weeks. I promise I would try.. one step at a time..

 

When you free yourself from checking your phone, it is the sweetest feeling ever. It feels like getting out of prison.

 

I think most of us have done the Facebook stalking thing at least some level. I mean who wouldn't? I stalked every single thing. Then I couldn't do any of it because it was too painful.

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A life lesson? what ever could that be?

 

I highly discourage "revenge". I do not feel you are ready to "date" with an attitude such as displayed here. The self inflicted hurt is fresh and the animosity even more so. Take some time out.

Sometimes I have the thoughts to text or email the wife with evidence to destroy them :( I guess I must never go there

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imperfectangel
Sometimes I have the thoughts to text or email the wife with evidence to destroy them :( I guess I must never go there

 

I will never out my MM. Not when he has children, they don't deserve that

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Girlfromcali
Sometimes I have the thoughts to text or email the wife with evidence to destroy them :( I guess I must never go there

 

It's normal to feel anger. If I'm perfectly honest, I have fantasies of him dying. :( i mean not seriously..but just to get closure..

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ladydesigner

(((KathL))) first off I'm sorry you are here, but it's good you are NC. NC also includes stalking social media. I am a former MOW and current BS many times over. Even us BS' will stalk OW's social media but it is not healthy for any of us.

 

When you decided to have an A with a MM you put yourself in the position of being compared with the wife, it just is how it is. Why are you letting her looks affect your self esteem? Imagine how she is going to feel about her looks if she finds out about the A.

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Sometimes *I have the thoughts to text or email the wife with evidence to destroy them :( I guess I must never go there

 

*It would never happen, because you are by far the least valued person in the triangle.

 

They would simply circle the wagons and ignore you.

 

They want to be with each other.

 

And so they are.

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