What bothers me the most.........

[Lauracake]

I keep reading here, some days obsessively some days not so much. Our EA/PA ended in November after an apparent DD, I'm not convinced it ever happened but that's neither here nor there. He made his choice, it wasn't me so game over or not so much. I said my finally goodbyes at the end of December wanting to start the new year a fresh and leave him behind. He no longer works with me so I thought I'd never have to see him again, I went strict no contact and started to feel better, more positive and hopeful for my future. I kind of hoped he would respect this and having made his choice I hoped he would stay away. Not so...... It's now May almost halfway through the year by which point I'd hoped to be free and although I know I will love him forever, accepting of his choice and ready to move on.

My problem is this, every so often maybe after 5 weeks or maybe after 8 weeks he pops up, turns up at my door with a puppy dog face and all the usual lies. I'm not silly I know they are lies I know he's still drowning in his depression etc can't get the balance of his life right blah blah blah. He loves me, I'm the only person he's safe with, he misses me etc etc had to stay for the kids and money and all.

I know this means nothing, time and time again it's happened with nothing changing. I unblock him because I feel bad for him, he cries like no other person ive ever met then he slows with the messages and calls so I block again, rinse and repeat.

I don't want him to come round again I want to move on and be happy but now I live in fear that he will be there when I get home or he'll be the next knock on the door. I told him if he truly loved me he would let me go knowing he can't give me what I need he agrees with this but he just can't do it.

So it's been 2 weeks NC yet again, I'm dreading him turning up again because I'm just not strong enough to turn him away which is what he plays on.

Why can't he make his choice and stick to it, it's cruel and heartless to play with people's emotions. His poor, poor wife

[SomethingToSay]

The choice he made is stay with his wife and have you too. Thsts what he wants -- both. You have to block him and if necessary get law involved to keep him from showing up. OOtherwise you are just allowing the contact to occur.

[imperfectangel]

She's hardly allowing it if he's showing up at her door and it'd take a lot for police to do anything!

 

If I were you I'd ask any friends to text you before they come over and otherwise ignore the door. If he's there when you get home you may literally have to shut the door in his face.

 

Block him where you can if that'll make things easier for you

[Phoenician]

Sorry dear for what you are going through..

 

love now is a distorted image in your heart and mind .

 

Let me tell you about how similar men thinks from a man mouth .

 

the choice he made means that you are a second option for him , do you want to be always the backup plan ?

 

he is not emotionally available for you , he is sneaking because he is just sexually not satisfied .

 

That's the only reason he comes back , my question is "what will happen in years from now ?

 

 

his desires will fade, and he will leave you ...

 

You seem to be a great person who suffered a lot , concentrate now on how you can get your self esteem back without him , because wether he is a good guy or not , his presence near you is toxic .

 

 

train your mind and heart on how to love , and love to love , how to detach when it is over ...

 

 

I advise you to go through a friendship with benefits , someone you could enjoy time with , even though he is not your dream soulmate.

 

 

relax and learn how to love someone for a limited period and detach .

 

good luck sweet lady , huggs

[Poppy47]

Hello,

 

Get a grip... he has his wife to deal with his problems.

 

IF you answer your door to him, and you shoudn't, tell him to get a good therapist and leave you alone.

 

I was soft hearted for a long time. Now I see things in a different light.

 

Poppy.

[burnt]

I live in fear that he will be there when I get home or he'll be the next knock on the door.

^^ This line above. I am familiar with.

 

You did absolutely everything painful to force yourself to stay away when YOU are the one who wanted to be with him and he is the one playing push-pull games. And yet, you torture yourself to respect his situation, you torture yourself to cut off all contacts even though doing so was utterly painful.

 

And after all that torture he imposed on you and you imposed on yourself, HE makes the clear conscious decision to hop in his car, put in the key, drive, to your house; SURPRISE. He's at your door, unannounced. Before you got a chance to think, you see him and can't hold back and you fall for him again. He disappears before you realize it; time passed too quickly, and you are now left in YOUR own home, remembering all the small details of exactly what you felt when he just walked right in and then walked right out, leaving you to carry all the burden of his selfishness.

 

Now you are in pain again. With the loss. With the memories. With the wanting. With the rejection. With the helplessness.

 

But on top,

the unfairness of it all.

 

That you did everything to stop and he just walked in and now you pay the price.

 

And now, you hear a small tiny sound, like the radiator or something, and your heart just jumps out of your chest, because you just wondered is that him? You stare at the door; and no matter what you try to focus, your mind wanders back to the door. And the only way out is to maybe go run outside of your own home.

 

You look out the window again and again helplessly, wondering if he's coming, yet all the while, knowing you would rather not want him to come.

 

I am sorry for what you're feeling.

I don't have suggestions; just want to say I know what you mean by "FEAR" and I know what you mean when you say "it's cruel".

[Lauracake]

She's hardly allowing it if he's showing up at her door and it'd take a lot for police to do anything!

 

If I were you I'd ask any friends to text you before they come over and otherwise ignore the door. If he's there when you get home you may literally have to shut the door in his face.

 

Block him where you can if that'll make things easier for you

 

Thank you I know your right, my friends and family have been truly awesome through all this. It catches me off guard every time things will have been going good and the thoughts of him become less and less and then bam he's there and I'm so pathetically weak when in comes to a crying man. Thankfully I seem to be getting better with this and it has killed any sexual feelings I ever had for him!

[Lauracake]

^^ This line above. I am familiar with.

 

You did absolutely everything painful to force yourself to stay away when YOU are the one who wanted to be with him and he is the one playing push-pull games. And yet, you torture yourself to respect his situation, you torture yourself to cut off all contacts even though doing so was utterly painful.

 

And after all that torture he imposed on you and you imposed on yourself, HE makes the clear conscious decision to hop in his car, put in the key, drive, to your house; SURPRISE. He's at your door, unannounced. Before you got a chance to think, you see him and can't hold back and you fall for him again. He disappears before you realize it; time passed too quickly, and you are now left in YOUR own home, remembering all the small details of exactly what you felt when he just walked right in and then walked right out, leaving you to carry all the burden of his selfishness.

 

Now you are in pain again. With the loss. With the memories. With the wanting. With the rejection. With the helplessness.

 

But on top,

the unfairness of it all.

 

That you did everything to stop and he just walked in and now you pay the price.

 

And now, you hear a small tiny sound, like the radiator or something, and your heart just jumps out of your chest, because you just wondered is that him? You stare at the door; and no matter what you try to focus, your mind wanders back to the door. And the only way out is to maybe go run outside of your own home.

 

You look out the window again and again helplessly, wondering if he's coming, yet all the while, knowing you would rather not want him to come.

 

I am sorry for what you're feeling.

I don't have suggestions; just want to say I know what you mean by "FEAR" and I know what you mean when you say "it's cruel".

This ^^^ made me cry. All too true. Every car coming up the road..... My heart goes, sometimes I feel like a paranoid wreck.

[Lauracake]

Sorry dear for what you are going through..

 

love now is a distorted image in your heart and mind .

 

Let me tell you about how similar men thinks from a man mouth .

 

the choice he made means that you are a second option for him , do you want to be always the backup plan ?

 

he is not emotionally available for you , he is sneaking because he is just sexually not satisfied .

 

That's the only reason he comes back , my question is "what will happen in years from now ?

 

 

his desires will fade, and he will leave you ...

 

You seem to be a great person who suffered a lot , concentrate now on how you can get your self esteem back without him , because wether he is a good guy or not , his presence near you is toxic .

 

 

train your mind and heart on how to love , and love to love , how to detach when it is over ...

 

 

I advise you to go through a friendship with benefits , someone you could enjoy time with , even though he is not your dream soulmate.

 

 

relax and learn how to love someone for a limited period and detach .

 

good luck sweet lady , huggs

Thank you, I hope and pray he will leave me in peace. Your right his presence to me is totally toxic.

[whatatangledweb]

I'm usually against the OW telling the MM's wife. In this, I would say tell her. Maybe that will keep him away.

[ChickiePops]

Agree completely. Next time he comes, tell his wife. That'll stop him. You shouldn't have to live in fear.

[Lauracake]

I've considered telling his wife so many times but I just can bring myself to blow her world apart. Although when we got together they were separated and living separately it is in essence his fault and my fault. Not hers and not their children's. And to be completely selfish if she kicks him out I worry he will make it even worse for me.

I want him to work on his marriage and be all the things he promised in his vows. I want him to be a better husband and dad and I realise the only person that can do those things is him and I can't be his friend.

Thank you everyone for your comments, I will work on myself to be stronger if/when he shows up again.

[ChickiePops]

I've considered telling his wife so many times but I just can bring myself to blow her world apart. Although when we got together they were separated and living separately it is in essence his fault and my fault. Not hers and not their children's. And to be completely selfish if she kicks him out I worry he will make it even worse for me.

I want him to work on his marriage and be all the things he promised in his vows. I want him to be a better husband and dad and I realise the only person that can do those things is him and I can't be his friend.

Thank you everyone for your comments, I will work on myself to be stronger if/when he shows up again.

 

In this case, you're not the one blowing her world up..her husband is. No need to be a martyr..telling her is probably the kindest thing you can do for everyone involved.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I've considered telling his wife so many times but I just can bring myself to blow her world apart. Although when we got together they were separated and living separately it is in essence his fault and my fault. Not hers and not their children's. And to be completely selfish if she kicks him out I worry he will make it even worse for me.

I want him to work on his marriage and be all the things he promised in his vows. I want him to be a better husband and dad and I realise the only person that can do those things is him and I can't be his friend.

Thank you everyone for your comments, I will work on myself to be stronger if/when he shows up again.

 

For those that naturally nurture others (which is a strength....until it isn't) it can be difficult to put themselves first when they should.

 

Are you in IC?

[Lauracake]

No I'm not in IC. I don't think I need it, I have a good network of friends and family I can talk to about the situation. Generally I'm in a much better place than I was. I've got plans for the future that need 100% of my attention. If he could just stop turning up all would be well. I feel for him as he has no friends ( I should have realised why) and can't really talk to his family about it which is I guess why I feel inclined to listen to him. He had IC when he was diagnosed with depression but it doesn't seem to have helped him.

But I can't help him and I won't try anymore. He isn't bothered about my feelings so I need to strengthen my resolve.

[Sabella]

Do you think that the mere threat you would tell his wife if he doesn't honor NC would do the trick?

 

I guess either way you would have to follow through if he doesn't listen... But I kinda feel this might just end his nonsense.

 

Him even confiding in you is cheating. He should be confiding in his spouse (whom he chose) or a therapist. This is not your job, however much you still care for him. You can never move forward if he keeps interjecting himself into your life. You deserve to be loved completely.

[privategal]

If you are leasing Id consider a drastic step to move to a new place or even job search in a new city and go find a clean slate? and then block him everywhere. I am never in favor of disclosing to a spouse but in this case...if its ended but he wont get a grip and let you go, it might be necessary.

In your case he is blowing up your world and wont let you heal.

The only way he will gain control is when he experiences consequences like HAVING to face his marriage.

This step would also end your fear of him turning up again.

Id at least threaten that first.

[BuddyX]

Next time he shows up have a cell phone in hand, take a pic and tell him "if you don't stop, I'm sending this to your wife and exposing everything".

 

I bet he'll run like a little punk that he is.

 

But I have a feeling, deep down inside you enjoy the attention.

[burnt]

No I'm not in IC. I don't think I need it, I have a good network of friends and family I can talk to about the situation.

 

Wow, wow, wow; hold on, hold on, hold on.

Friends are NOT substitutes for therapy.

 

When you see a therapist, (an effective one, that is), you are not just sipping tea and chatting about whatever that's going on in your life.

 

Therapy is not about chatting. It's supposed to help you

(1) examine and understand what's going on deep in your mind and in your actions that you are not consciously aware of always.

(2) allow a trusting, completely partial, and nonjudgmental environment to open yourself fully.

(3) help you and guide you to find ways to cope and manage the things you are dealing with.

 

Laura, you

really, really, really

should consider seeing a therapist. The very fact that you found yourself in this position of being a married man's mistress alone should be something you need to examine and understand through the help of a counselor.

 

Realize, please realize, I am someone who used to think the entire profession of psychologist/therapist was a whole lotta bull****.

It was a hard way that I had to find out that therapy is really necessary. My therapists have opened my eyes in ways I couldn't believe.

 

Even if you don't believe you NEED it, what have you got to lose?

Please see one; it will help you heal faster. It will help you understand yourself better at the least.

[SomethingToSay]

Im sorry but you absolutely can stop a MM from coming to your house.

 

 

You notify his wife and it will certainly help stop it.

 

 

You send a cease a desist letter to him. AND/OR you call the copes and have him escorted off. They then issue a notice of trespass warrant, meaning the next time he is there he can be arrested. Its quite simple.

 

 

So there are 3 legit things you do right there to stop this.

 

 

You certainly don't let him in b/c he is crying.

 

 

Do you think for one second if you showed up at his door in tears he would give a FLYING DANG about anything other than making sure his wife didn't find out?

 

 

You are prolonging this by being passive.

[AlwaysGrowing]

No I'm not in IC. I don't think I need it, I have a good network of friends and family I can talk to about the situation. Generally I'm in a much better place than I was. I've got plans for the future that need 100% of my attention. If he could just stop turning up all would be well. I feel for him as he has no friends ( I should have realised why) and can't really talk to his family about it which is I guess why I feel inclined to listen to him. He had IC when he was diagnosed with depression but it doesn't seem to have helped him.

But I can't help him and I won't try anymore. He isn't bothered about my feelings so I need to strengthen my resolve.

 

 

I have to admit that you seem to have a lot of this figured out concerning him.

 

Maybe think about going to IC to address any underlying issues that you have that might need to be examined and worked on. Family/friends are generally not good for this because they already have a version of who you are (to them) and offer advice from the vantage point of how they feel most comfortable in interpreting you/issues. They have limited resources/experiences/therapies to draw from to really offer the "full Monty" that a trained professional can.

[Lauracake]

Thanks everyone for your advice I do appreciate what your all saying regarding IC It is something I have considered but I'll either have to wait for a referral from the doctor or pay privately and I'm currently saving to put myself through uni next year so I'm hoping I can get by without it. I know it absolutely helps people and I'm honestly not saying j think I've healed myself! There are many reasons that bought me into this situation (stupidity, wanting to see the best in people, not being hard enough) and I know that's why he turns up, because I won't turn away someone crying or in distress.

I have thought about taking a photo and sending it to his wife or at least threatening to. I would rather not, of course, but if that is the only way to make it stop it's something I'll be reconsidering.

In general I do feel better, I'm learning to like myself again and enjoying the things I used to. It's just that fear at the back of my mind, when I least expect it he will reappear. Hopefully not this time as I really don't want to inform his wife but he can't get away with this behaviour forever.

[Lauracake]

Im sorry but you absolutely can stop a MM from coming to your house.

 

 

You notify his wife and it will certainly help stop it.

 

 

You send a cease a desist letter to him. AND/OR you call the copes and have him escorted off. They then issue a notice of trespass warrant, meaning the next time he is there he can be arrested. Its quite simple.

 

 

So there are 3 legit things you do right there to stop this.

 

 

You certainly don't let him in b/c he is crying.

 

 

Do you think for one second if you showed up at his door in tears he would give a FLYING DANG about anything other than making sure his wife didn't find out?

The thing that made me laugh about this? I don't even know where he lives!

 

You are prolonging this by being passive.

 

God that is so true, I never saw myself as passive but that's exactly it, thank you

[whichwayisup]

No I'm not in IC. I don't think I need it, I have a good network of friends and family I can talk to about the situation. Generally I'm in a much better place than I was. I've got plans for the future that need 100% of my attention. If he could just stop turning up all would be well. I feel for him as he has no friends ( I should have realised why) and can't really talk to his family about it which is I guess why I feel inclined to listen to him. He had IC when he was diagnosed with depression but it doesn't seem to have helped him.

But I can't help him and I won't try anymore. He isn't bothered about my feelings so I need to strengthen my resolve.

 

You do need it since you keep unblocking him and you feel sorry for him, letting him manipulate you with big puppy eyes showing up at your door. WHERE'S your anger and disgust? If he respected you, truly cared he would leave you alone. He chose his wife, the A is over yet he still is playing you, hoping you'll give him that big ego feed. BLOCK him for good, next time he shows up at your door tell him to F OFF and never to come around again and that if he dares to do it again you'll call his wife and tell her everything.

 

If you want it to end and for him to leave you alone you have to do your part. you can call the cops and let him know that you're doing that so he leaves your house.

[burnt]

OMG, I found the perfect solution for you, Laura.

 

You've got to install this door in your house--just for the MM to come through.

 

(use your mouse to open the door(S) in the site below)

 

big long now .com by rafaël rozendaal, 2006, collection of sébastien de ganay