Agem2161 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 This maybe lengthy but I will try to shorten it. Ten years ago I met my soulmate we were together from for 3 years. That time in my life with him was so very special until he cheated and the end of our relationship was painful for me and took me almost a year to get over him. During that time I focused on myself, family and my 2 best friends. I've dated and was in a few serious relationships but no of them compared to him. I tried not to compare but it was hard to the point where I would sabotage relationships because I knew in my heart he would come back to me. Well...he came back. This world is so so small. I applied for a job and his sister worked there. When I saw her I knew exactly who she was because she looks just like her brother but I told myself that I was not going to say anything to her I figured let the past be the past and hoped to God she wouldn't recognize me. Ten years past I knew I had changed but it to her about a month to realize who I was and when she did we caught up I asked how the family and her children were and left it at that. Then she said I have to tell my brother I saw you...OMG. NO.....from that point she kept relaying messages from him to me requesting that I call him and I declined until one day his sister said please take his number he is getting on my nerves. I took the number but I wish I would've never used it. I called we caught up I asked about his relationship status (which he lied about) my feelings for him are still there and I want us to try again I asked if we could and he said not right now just for me to hold him done (wtf thats suppose to mean) every time I tell him to just leave me alone because I can't handle this he keeps coming back stronger and stronger and I allow myself to get sucked back in. I can't let him hurt me again. How do I let go...for good...please help Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 10 years ago he was liar and a cheat and now he's still a liar and a cheat. If you want to end it then stop pretending you are powerless. You are in charge of what you want to do. You contacted him first (that was your choice) and every time he "sucks you back in" that is also a choice you are making. If after 10 years you were still comparing everyone to him with him coming out ahead it's because you have over romanticized your 3yr relationship with him. He cheated on you and he hurt you and now he's hurting some more. How can he look good to you? Get counselling if you need to. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 He is a player. You reaction to him, how you make him feel in the moment is what he craves. Your post is candy to him. When the moment passes hens gone. How would he describe you in six months? "she was really great at first but became clingy (dud that is what he wanted). I don't mean she was not nice but in the end we just did not fit. In some ways we did but in others she couldn't be the woman I need and deserve". Your pain and loss to him proves his worth. Your devotion is not enough and in the end for him. It is you pining for him, that's the ticket. Of course when the shoe is on the other foot.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 every time I tell him to just leave me alone because I can't handle this he keeps coming back stronger and stronger i consider this abuse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 He has not changed in the last 10 years and remains the same cheater he always was. What will it take for you to realise that this is who he is? Monogamy is not his thing and he enjoys having multiple women. He roped you back in his life to be on the subs bench or on the reserves team. What is the attraction in that? People treat you how you let them. YOU are in control of your life. Tell him to leave you alone. .. Block his number and tell him not to come to your house or you will deem it as harassment and report him to the police. Put it in writing so he cannot say you didn't make yourself crystal clear. He didn't care about you then and he cares even less now. All the bothering his sister about you .... one would have thought he would be begging and apologising for what he did and promising that if he ever got a second chance with you .... he would NEVER EVER cheat and if he did you could stamp on his privates ... just to show how sincere he was. But oh no.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 If your "soulmate" is a liar and a cheater, who uses people for his own ends, who is still dangling you on a string, what on earth does that say about you? YOU have to see him for who he is and stop being putty in his hands. This is NOT "love" it is just some twisted, screwed up obsession on your part, and something to do for amusement on his part. Cut him loose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 "Soulmate"....? First of all, there's no such thing. Secondly, if there were, he makes a total and utter mockery of the term. And you let him. His repetitious behaviour is repetitious because you willingly play into the "Lather-Rinse-Repeat" pattern. Time to grab the towel.... and throw it in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 FYI - You can't be the soulmate of a guy that doesn't have one. You know what you could do? Tell his current gf/wife what he's saying to you. That'll give him a real clear message that he can't contact you about this....just don't warn him or threaten it. The guy's sister condones his cheating? Maybe her husband is available since you're in the market. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 FYI - You can't be the soulmate of a guy that doesn't have one. Very good point. He's hurting you all over again. Stop feeding his ego. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 Agem, Your situation is very similar to mine. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years, we were going to get married. We had the a big fight and ended the relationship. A little less than a year later my ex came back, we started talking but what my ex didn't tell me was that he was getting engaged. After our break-up his parents began to push for him to settle down, he started seeing an old friend, his parents gave their blessing and the rest is history. I found this out from our mutual friends. When i confronted him about it...he lied! He said they weren't that serious but he was lying because i knew that they were looking at engagement rings. What angered me was my ex thought that not only would he throw his future wife under the bus in front of me but that he thought that it was okay to make me the other woman. How could you deny the woman that you are about to marry? I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. This was the man that i had previously chosen to be my husband and father of my children (we had picked out names). What was i thinking? I haven't spoken to him since last year; he has reached out twice apologizing and i have ignored him both times. OP, i reject such an arrangement for myself and you should too. It's time for you to get angry. Who does your guy think he is? I do not judge the woman who finds herself as the other woman but i refuse to accept that for myself. I want to be THE woman and if no man will provide that for me then i'll remain single. It's time for you to start thinking like that girl. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 10 years ago I was the only woman...now I'm the other woman Let me fix that. 10 years ago I was the woman being cheated on...now I'm the other woman 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 Think of it like this... you go to view a house to buy or lease, but it's not in good condition so you tell the agent that you aren't interested. Then he calls back with another home to view.. which is identical in size, location and price ........ except it's in much worse condition than the last one. What would you say to the agent? My words would be ..... - Are you mad? - The other one wasn't good enough and this is even worse - Do you think I'm a fool? Think about it. You're now getting a worse deal than you bailed on 10 years ago. He is not a fine wine that has improved with age. More like a rotten egg. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agem2161 Posted May 18, 2016 Author Share Posted May 18, 2016 Thank you all for your views its a hard pill to swallow but the ugly truth versus a pretty lie always is...so again thank you all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 Thank you all for your views its a hard pill to swallow but the ugly truth versus a pretty lie always is...so again thank you all. It isn't ugly unless you view it that way. Like chihuahuas. But yeah, truth is better than a lie anyday. I would rather know where I stand immediately than be lied to feel good for a short while and then like a fool thereafter, so I know the sentiment. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 He is a player. You reaction to him, how you make him feel in the moment is what he craves. Your post is candy to him. When the moment passes hens gone. How would he describe you in six months? "she was really great at first but became clingy (dud that is what he wanted). I don't mean she was not nice but in the end we just did not fit. In some ways we did but in others she couldn't be the woman I need and deserve". Your pain and loss to him proves his worth. Your devotion is not enough and in the end for him. It is you pining for him, that's the ticket. Of course when the shoe is on the other foot.... Not only this but he hates being told no. When you tell him to bugger off he fights harder, which is why you block him everywhere so he can't reach you and you won't waver. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 This maybe lengthy but I will try to shorten it. Ten years ago I met my soulmate we were together from for 3 years. That time in my life with him was so very special until he cheated and the end of our relationship was painful for me and took me almost a year to get over him. During that time I focused on myself, family and my 2 best friends. I've dated and was in a few serious relationships but no of them compared to him. I tried not to compare but it was hard to the point where I would sabotage relationships because I knew in my heart he would come back to me. Well...he came back. This world is so so small. I applied for a job and his sister worked there. When I saw her I knew exactly who she was because she looks just like her brother but I told myself that I was not going to say anything to her I figured let the past be the past and hoped to God she wouldn't recognize me. Ten years past I knew I had changed but it to her about a month to realize who I was and when she did we caught up I asked how the family and her children were and left it at that. Then she said I have to tell my brother I saw you...OMG. NO.....from that point she kept relaying messages from him to me requesting that I call him and I declined until one day his sister said please take his number he is getting on my nerves. I took the number but I wish I would've never used it. I called we caught up I asked about his relationship status (which he lied about) my feelings for him are still there and I want us to try again I asked if we could and he said not right now just for me to hold him done (wtf thats suppose to mean) every time I tell him to just leave me alone because I can't handle this he keeps coming back stronger and stronger and I allow myself to get sucked back in. I can't let him hurt me again. How do I let go...for good...please help Why did you feel the need to break up? Was it ego? Or was he such a terrible person that he had absolutely no redeeming qualities that could help you look past the the infidelity? If you really love someone. Working through difficulties is part of that pact. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 Why did you feel the need to break up? If you really love someone. Working through difficulties is part of that pact. someone said the same thing to me right after dday. i decided i loved myself more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 Why did you feel the need to break up? Was it ego? Or was he such a terrible person that he had absolutely no redeeming qualities that could help you look past the the infidelity? If you really love someone. Working through difficulties is part of that pact. Yes, Like them risking YOUR health with STDs, getting someone else pregnant, just viewing you as a completely replaceable commodity or "one of the harem" to suit their own ego. Please...... OP, you dumping him ten years ago shows you had a healthy level of self-respect. Since then, he's done nothing but try to keep you on the hook, which is how he treats women in general. If that's how you want to be treated, have at it. Bit I seriously wonder what happened to that lady who wouldn't accept that crap ten years ago. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
EllyH Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 There is an old saying "a leopard doesn't change his spots"... while I agree with this 98% of the time, people often do change things about themselves, but often times a personality flaw will never change. I think you already know the answer to this, because you already said that he is still cheating. You are worth more than this, but only you can decide if you want to be treated as worth it. You are 100% in control of how you respond and react, it may be extremely difficult, but you can do it. You will also need to be very firm with his sister in not accepting any more messages. I hope you stand strong. You are worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted May 25, 2016 Share Posted May 25, 2016 (edited) someone said the same thing to me right after dday. i decided i loved myself more. That is excellent. You made a decision. Not everyone can forgive and infidelity. It's always best to know thyself. I see so many posters on this forum who claim to have forgiven their spouse, yet it is obvious they are still holding onto resentment and anger. Still, they hang onto a relationship they no longer feel comfortable with. That is not healthy for either person in a relationship. I hope you are happy now. Edited May 25, 2016 by Liam1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agem2161 Posted May 25, 2016 Author Share Posted May 25, 2016 I've decided to go no contact...I think this is the best thing I can do for myself. I've tried it before and failed but its so very hard when it comes to this man. I truly love him unconditionally but I have to love him from a distance. Typing this is hard and painful but I have to pray for strength to do this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted May 26, 2016 Share Posted May 26, 2016 That is excellent. You made a decision. Not everyone can forgive and infidelity. It's always best to know thyself. I see so many posters on this forum who claim to have forgiven their spouse, i forgave him day two. e.n. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agem2161 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 (edited) So I've been reading a lot of stories here and they have been helping me deal with my situation. It's really hard I can't lie but that's part of being able to let go is me being honest with myself. I know this man doesn't want me. Hell he didn't want me 10 years ago. And as hard as it is to accept it I know I have to. I want my own man. I'm beautiful inside and out, smart, driven, funny and have my own everything. Where I live is like the "hunger games" and dating is so exhausting. But that gives me no right to be with another woman's man/husband. I'm tired of being beta I'm worth being Alpha and I have to walk this talk. I'm over the pieces and breadcrumbs. The lies the deceit the seconds of pleasure. It's just too damn expensive! I'm apologizing for this rant but I have to get this out. I'm taking full accountability for my actions. I have to do something different. Ladies we are the ones that have to shut these men down. We're not the victims we're the volunteers. There was a point where I felt I could handle being the sidepiece, you know take the good and the best and leave the rest but because I love him my emotions or I allowed my emotions to take over. Trying to " hold him down" as he puts it. But why am I holding him down when he has somebody to do that? Why am I encouraging him cooking and giving him the best of me only to come home to sleep alone. I can't keep doing this. I know how karma is and I'm tired of dancing with her. Today I declare war..IT'S OVER AND I'M DONE!!! Thank you for reading (drops mic) Edited May 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Well done and we are cheering you on. It's not an easy road and you might have setbacks, and times when you feel REALLY low, but there is an end in sight. Come here, post, let it out. It sounds like you're an incredibly strong woman and you've got this! I liked what you said about being alpha instead of beta, that really rang true with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agem2161 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 Thank you lemondrop21...I'm going to need a lot of support because I love this man I always have and always will I can't deny but I have to love him from a distance. I know he's going to come at me harder because I swear everytime I start to pull away he seems to do so. I'm getting ready to change my phone number too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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