I have to know...

[Summer sunset]

I am currently driving myself crazy wondering about a man that I work with. He is married with children and so am I. I first met him in August of last year when I was an intern at his place of employment until November. I was offered a long term fill-in position shortly after that will end very soon.

 

When I first started my internship I wasn't in his department but he did make it a point to introduce himself to me and we would chat briefly every time we would see each other. He is not someone that I would typically find attractive as the guys I've always dated have been the macho, pretty-boy, hot headed, athlete type...including my husband..and he is more the intellectual, gentle type, but there was something about him. It seemed like I often caught him staring at me during meetings but I can't be 100% certain because he would look away quickly.

 

Halfway through my internship I was transferred to his department and, though I was shadowing someone else, I would see him often. He was always super nice and friendly to me and would talk about how he hoped that I would be able to work on their team permanently after I finished my internship.

 

Once I was done, I began filling in for people on his team often (even him when he wasn't there) and he would always make it a point to come to my area every morning and say hello. Once I left an assignment and he said "I hope I get to see you again soon!"

 

Since I've been filling in long term in a different department I have noticed that he will often make it a point to walk by areas that he knows I will be and go down hallways that I'm standing in (he could go two different direction to get to the same place and he always seems to go the direction that will cause him to pass me).

 

Very recently we found out that he will no longer be working at this particular place and they will not be hiring anyone permanently. He told me that if he heard of anyone hiring for my position I will be the first person he thinks of and he will give me a "glowing recommendation". A few days ago he actually came to my area and asked me to come to the hall to talk to him so that he could tell me about a job that he heard about. I expressed concern over my resume and he told me to send it to him and he would revise it for me. So I sent it and he almost rewrote the entire thing, making it better than I ever could have hoped for. He revised it and changed it for me 3 different times before we decided that it was acceptable. I told him that I felt badly that he was spending so much time helping me and he said "It's ok, I like doing this..I mean, I like helping people."

 

If I'm being honest, I've developed feelings for him over the past several months. It doesn't help that my marriage of 10 years is terrible. My husband is controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive to myself and the kids and I'm basically just trying to make it until I can secure a full-time position (he refuses to go to therapy or admit that there is anything wrong with the way he treats us). I will NOT act on these feelings or tell anyone about them, but I just want to know if he also has feelings. It's consuming my thoughts wondering if his actions are signs that he has feelings for me or if he's really just that nice and helpful.

 

My own intuition tells me that he does, but neither of us are the type that would enter in to an affair so we are both content with being friends. At the same time, I second-guess that intuition and think that he is just a nice guy who likes to be nice and I'm reading in to things way too much. Then, to the other extreme, I feel like maybe he's been super helpful in hopes that I will make a move.

 

I just don't know, my thoughts are all over the place and I would love some stranger perspective since there is no way I will discuss this with anyone else!

 

Wanted to add:My kids have needed me a million times while try to type this, so I apologize if my thoughts and feelings aren't really coherent from what I've typed. TIA!!

Edited May 17, 2016 by Summer sunset

[Sunnycalb808]

I guess my question is if you have no intention of acting on this then what difference does it make how he feels?

 

That being said I think most of this is likely in your imagination. Due to your bad situation at home you are romanticizing something thats probably not there, as some sort of escape mechanism.

 

Are you in any type of counseling for yourself and kids to cope with your home situation

[Summer sunset]

I guess I just want to know if my instincts are correct or not. My husband has really done a number on my self esteem and it's hard to imagine anyone ever being interested in me again. He will go on and on about all the women that think he's gorgeous and how, if we weren't together, he'd have his pick of so many women. He's always checking women out and will comment about their looks and then criticize me. I'm told by people all the time that I'm beautiful, but not in a romantic way, of course. People will say things to my husband like "how'd you get so lucky to have a wife this pretty?" And he'll laugh and then he'll tell me that they're just being nice because he's more attractive than I am, which would be funny if he were joking, but he's completely serious. He just talked for several minutes tonight about who much he loves himself and how God really blessed him by making him the way he is.

 

So, I guess I just want to know if I can still tell when someone has feelings for me. And it would be nice to know that someone sees that value in me and reciprocates feelings, even if we will never act on it.

 

I went to therapy from August-March. But, I haven't gone back recently. She told me that I need to leave my husband because he is narcissistic and abusive and she couldn't really help me any more until I remove myself from the situation. It just seemed like we talked in circles and got nowhere because I can't afford to leave right now.

Edited May 17, 2016 by Summer sunset

[whatatangledweb]

He seems like a friendly guy. I have worked with many like that. I don't see any more than that. You don't seem to be used to a man taken an interrest in you as a person and you are making more of it than it is.

[Sunnycalb808]

I would try to put all your focus into getting away from your spouse, for your sake and your kids. This man is justva distraction and way of avoiding life. Im so sorry, your situation sounds awful and you only get 1 life so getting away from your H really needs to be your focus.

 

THEN when you have healed find a great man!

[Summer sunset]

I guess I should explain a little better. I am used to men hitting on me. I've always been hit on a lot. I'm used to being told I'm attractive (by people that aren't my husband). A man walked past me in the store the other day, for instance, and said "man you're beautiful!" That kind of thing I'm used to. What I'm not used to is a man showing genuine interest and concern for me as a person. This guy is more interested in my well being than my husband had ever been in the many years we've been together, and I think that's what gets me. I can't get my husband to pick up something from the grocery for me if he's already going to be there, when I had major surgery last year he claimed his sinus infection had him down the day after I got home from the hospital and he couldn't help with the kids, so I couldn't rest. Those are just a couple of many examples. So, for a guy to go the extra mile and show genuine interest and concern for my success enough to help me out so much, I guess it's easy to get confused. I went to school for years to do what I'm doing and all my husband has told me is how I'm going to suck at the profession and how my degree doesn't matter until I get a permanent position, so having someone who really believes in me based on my performance and work ethic and not because they think I'm "hot" is a nice thing.

 

ETA: Thank you all for your responses!

 

Also ETA: within a couple of weeks, we will no longer be working in the same place and it's likely that, unless we run in to each other somewhere we won't see each other, except on social media. So that should give me a chance to get over whatever this is.

Edited May 17, 2016 by Summer sunset

[Sunnycalb808]

Well then be glad someone is respecting you for something real. It probably feels so foreign to you bc of what youre used to. In fact the worst thing you could do is mess up your professionsal life and work relationships by starting an affair or ascribing romantic feelings to normal friendliness.

 

Sounds like you are doing a great job at your new profession. Stay away from work romances.

[Summer sunset]

Yes! That's exactly it. It feels very "foreign" to me because I'm not used to it. It's weird because the profession I'm in, lots of significant others and family members work together. It's not a forbidden thing, but I am not interested in having an affair. Honestly, even if I found out he had feelings for me I would never want to waste that on something so cheap. I'd rather save it for the possibility of one day down the road if we both happened to be single or just value the friendship we've built in the likelihood that that will never happen.

 

The vibe I get from him is the same that I feel. He cares for me and is concerned for me as a special friend, who if he had met at another time might be something more, but he wouldn't want to cheapen the bond by making it in to something sexual and taboo and is also not the type to enter in to an affair.

 

That's just the vibe I get, especially based on the fact that I have caught him staring at me many times. And it's also the way I feel, but I guess I just want to know for sure that I'm right.

 

Either way, the fact I'm appreciated for something other than a guy wanting to get something from me or use me or control me is very nice!

[whichwayisup]

Your ego wants to know. And ego is bad bad bad. Look, even if he finds you cute and you find out he likes you and you like him eventually you two will more than likely have an affair. You're ripe for one since it seems you hate your husband (why haven't you divorced him since you're so miserable in your marriage?) and have feelings for someone else.

 

Since you work with him, you'll be putting your professional reputation at risk. Don't open that door.

 

Divorce and then date a single guy. Opening the door a crack will only blow up your life and his family life too.

[DesertHeat]

I understand where you are coming from summer sunset. I was in an abusive marriage with children, and I also got a full time job towards the end. I was physically separated from my husband when I fell for a coworker. And, since he was single and I was heading for divorce, I went for it. It was great, and I felt super validated, especially since my XH said nobody would ever want me. However, it crashed in flames because XH was a stalker and sabotaged and I ended up losing my job due to poor performance plus the other guy was just trying to be a FWB and basically went ghost after I lost my job. But, despite the bad end, I did like the fact that I felt validated after putting up with all that abuse all those years.

 

So, I would just concentrate on doing well on your job and taking steps to getting your freedom. Truth is, men aren't blind and will find you attractive, but don't let it get you off-track.

[Sabella]

Very few people here "planned" on having an affair. In my case it was easy to fall into because of all the yummy, good feelings you get at the beginning, especially when you are in a bad relationship. It gives you ample opportunity to avoid your problems and not deal with them. You also tend to romanticize the ap because it justifies what you are doing. It makes everything a complete mess.

 

Focus on getting your full time job and out of your bad relationship. I would actually say, where there is smoke there is fire, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was interested in you as well. Put that aside for

[Summer sunset]

Your ego wants to know. And ego is bad bad bad. Look, even if he finds you cute and you find out he likes you and you like him eventually you two will more than likely have an affair. You're ripe for one since it seems you hate your husband (why haven't you divorced him since you're so miserable in your marriage?) and have feelings for someone else.

 

Since you work with him, you'll be putting your professional reputation at risk. Don't open that door.

 

Divorce and then date a single guy. Opening the door a crack will only blow up your life and his family life too.

 

 

I'm still in my marriage because I don't have the means to support myself and my kids quite yet.

[NTV]

I haven't read too many of the posts in this forum from OM/OW where it ended well.

 

 

You know that this ride crashes and burns at the end. Why get on?

[Summer sunset]

Your ego wants to know. And ego is bad bad bad. Look, even if he finds you cute and you find out he likes you and you like him eventually you two will more than likely have an affair. You're ripe for one since it seems you hate your husband (why haven't you divorced him since you're so miserable in your marriage?) and have feelings for someone else.

 

Since you work with him, you'll be putting your professional reputation at risk. Don't open that door.

 

Divorce and then date a single guy. Opening the door a crack will only blow up your life and his family life too.

 

Very few people here "planned" on having an affair. In my case it was easy to fall into because of all the yummy, good feelings you get at the beginning, especially when you are in a bad relationship. It gives you ample opportunity to avoid your problems and not deal with them. You also tend to romanticize the ap because it justifies what you are doing. It makes everything a complete mess.

 

Focus on getting your full time job and out of your bad relationship. I would actually say, where there is smoke there is fire, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was interested in you as well. Put that aside for

 

My job is exactly what I'm trying to focus on right now. Like I said, very soon I will no longer work with this guy, so I won't be seeing him anymore. I think at that point I won't be distracted by this. He definitely seems invested in making sure that I get a permanent position which I appreciate for any reason.

 

And for the person that said I put value in to what others think because I don't value myself enough, there is a lot of truth to that. I try not to put with in to what my husband says to me, but after 10+ years of this it's difficult not to let it effect me. For most of our marriage he hasn't been interested in being intimate either, and then I will catch him talking to other women and find nude pics they have sent him and erotic messages between them...meanwhile he will tell me that if I try to initiate sex I'm a nympho. I found out a few years ago that he's been with over 100 women (before we married) and doesn't see me in that "light". He sees me as "pure" and can't really turn on the switch to see me that way. I had a child before him, so it's not like I was a virgin when we met. And like I said, other men have told me I'm attractive or beautiful, in passing, but when your own husband doesn't value you in this way it takes its toll. Not to mention he also doesn't support or respect me in any way either.

[loveisanaction]

Quite honestly, i think your co-worker is just being nice. You are so thirsty for love, appreciation and tender care you are beginning to see an oasis; you are seeing something that quite possibly isn't there.

 

I don't judge you though, humans were created to love and be loved, touch and be touched so we tend to gravitate towards those who provide that to us.

 

However, you are still a married woman. It always seems like a great love affair in the beginning but boy-oh-boy, you don't want to venture down that road. In my honest opinion, the harshest stories i've read are from women (married and single) who had affairs with their co-workers.

 

Concentrate on what you are going to do about your marriage, your co-worker is nothing but a distraction from your real problems.

[Cherryz]

Im sorry you going true hard times in your marriage.

 

 

Generally when men like you they will be very nice to you.

NO! Not always when they are nice to you means they like you either or for relationship!

But when they like you for more they may do little bit extra for you.

 

But we dont know everything but maybe he smell like a shark the blood from far away?

That you are weak for this and try to get you somewhere by being nice first?

Or maybe he just like you. And you feeling it as flirting and since home is not peaceful you enjoy this attention?

 

Either way this is a married men and you are married.

So you should keep your distance from him.

And be professional.

Why did he help you get a other position if you ddnt even ask him for it?

 

You are there for work so focus on your goal which is full-time job.

And you take care of your marriage issues , whatever that means.

 

Starting affair will only mess your goal and life.

Since its at work also you will end up with no work and more issues at home.

And dont be afraid to say no to him. Dont accept favor's.So no one can act like you own them later on.

When he came to you about the new position, you should have told him send you the

position description you will look at it later if its something for you.

 

Send some signals that you are not interested in what ever it is and you

are about the work that need to be done!And stand by your values!Nothing else!

 

Affairs never ends nice! And even if you give him hope now and ends it,it can mess your work environment. so dont even go there.

[lemondrop21]

Agree with other posters here - use it as a short and sweet wakeup call/reinforcement of the idea that you want to leave your bad marriage. Keep working away towards your financial independence, and remember that you could have these awesome little butterflies when you're truly single - from someone who is truly available! Exciting, isn't it?

 

You've got this, girl!

[Cherryz]

Send some signals that you are not interested in what ever it is and you

are about the work that need to be done!And stand by your values!Nothing else!

 

Affairs never ends nice! And even if you give him hope now and ends it,it can mess your work environment. so dont even go there.

 

 

Not necessarily because he may like you romantically, but more to protect yourself of falling and look for his attention in wrong way because

you are having this feelings and ideas about him.

Stop dreaming and imagine things. before you find yourself at the bottom.

[whichwayisup]

I'm still in my marriage because I don't have the means to support myself and my kids quite yet.

 

Then having an A is not the right choice. If you go for it (hopefully you won't) and your husband finds out, he could very well divorce you immediately.

 

Save up money, make a plan and focus on your kids. Talk to your husband about sharing custody and being great co parents to your children. Don't just drop the D bomb on him one day and say you're leaving. Let him know that you're unhappy and be honest with him.

[Summer sunset]

Then having an A is not the right choice. If you go for it (hopefully you won't) and your husband finds out, he could very well divorce you immediately.

 

Save up money, make a plan and focus on your kids. Talk to your husband about sharing custody and being great co parents to your children. Don't just drop the D bomb on him one day and say you're leaving. Let him know that you're unhappy and be honest with him.

 

That ship sailed a long time ago. He's known I was unhappy for years and knows exactly why. He says he loves himself and that one day I'll appreciate the way he has treated me as him "bring real". He says I'm a child who needs direction and still needs to be raised (he's 7 years older than me). I'm not going to have an affair. But regardless, he constantly goes back and forth between wanting us to stay together for the kids and telling me to move out. Just two weeks ago he told me to find a place to stay because he was angry that I parked in the driveway and he couldn't. He demanded I come out right away and move my car, which I refused because my youngest was sleeping on me. I offered to move it later. He was so angry that he began berating me, then my oldest child. I ignored him, which only made him angrier so he told me to find somewhere to go because he couldn't stand being around me. If I had the means I would have left, with the kids, during one of those times that he told me to leave. Unfortunately he is not someone with which I could reasonably discuss co-parenting.

[NTV]

That ship sailed a long time ago. He's known I was unhappy for years and knows exactly why. He says he loves himself and that one day I'll appreciate the way he has treated me as him "bring real". He says I'm a child who needs direction and still needs to be raised (he's 7 years older than me). I'm not going to have an affair. But regardless, he constantly goes back and forth between wanting us to stay together for the kids and telling me to move out. Just two weeks ago he told me to find a place to stay because he was angry that I parked in the driveway and he couldn't. He demanded I come out right away and move my car, which I refused because my youngest was sleeping on me. I offered to move it later. He was so angry that he began berating me, then my oldest child. I ignored him, which only made him angrier so he told me to find somewhere to go because he couldn't stand being around me. If I had the means I would have left, with the kids, during one of those times that he told me to leave. Unfortunately he is not someone with which I could reasonably discuss co-parenting.

 

It almost sounds like he's the one having an affair.

 

 

I can see he blew that situation out of proportion.

You said something that made me wonder... "He's known I was unhappy for years and knows exactly why." Why does him knowing you're not happy effect your decisions? He can't make you happy or unhappy. Happiness comes from within. And trying to charge him with the responsibility for your emotion is a duty he can never perform.

[Summer sunset]

It almost sounds like he's the one having an affair.

 

 

I can see he blew that situation out of proportion.

You said something that made me wonder... "He's known I was unhappy for years and knows exactly why." Why does him knowing you're not happy effect your decisions? He can't make you happy or unhappy. Happiness comes from within. And trying to charge him with the responsibility for your emotion is a duty he can never perform.

 

 

 

I said that because the pp asked me if I had told him that I was unhappy in the marriage (or something to that effect). It actually doesn't take much for me to be happy in the marriage. I don't expect him to be responsible for my happiness. However, when the person you married calls you names, talks to other women, and has no interest in being intimate with you, it does take its toll. I'm generally a very cheerful person and most people have no idea what I go through at home. It almost seems to make him more angry the happier I am around him. I'd like to see anyone treated with so much disdain for so many years, who had given and given and tried to make their marriage work, only to have their spouse refuse to make an effort, and to be told that they wished they had never married and are only in it for the kids because they can't stand you...be truly happy. I have so much pain inside and so much guilt for feeling like I don't want to be with him anymore, even though he tells me that he doesn't want to be with me on a daily basis. I try hard, but it's pretty difficult to be a really happy person under those circumstances.

[privategal]

Gently,

For one, how can we possibly tell you how he feels? We dont know.

Frankly with all the pain here you are going to hear RUN. WHO CARES IF HE DOES HAVE FEELINGS. FULL STOP HE IS MARRIED.

It shouldnt matter, you admit you are all over the place so get your feelings in ONE place. That is on your self respect and career. Gain control of your self.

 

Get a divorce and be single.

Dont go after another womans husband because your husband didnt work out.

It doesnt make it ok, it doesnt give you a pass, get your head straight...read the stories here.

You are a grown adult woman , you do not need his assistance finding a job.

Stand on your own two feet, focus on fixing yourself, getting individual counseling, contacting an attorney...stop making excuses. Stop even thinking about men at ALL right now. You are also married and just bevause its a bad marriage doesnt mean you handle it with an affair.

Get it together...I dont care if he might be head over heels for you...the answer is NO...do not pursue this friendship, just nip this in the bud as the pain you will experience will trump any pain you have ever felt so just knock it off.

[Summer sunset]

Gently,

For one, how can we possibly tell you how he feels? We dont know.

Frankly with all the pain here you are going to hear RUN. WHO CARES IF HE DOES HAVE FEELINGS. FULL STOP HE IS MARRIED.

It shouldnt matter, you admit you are all over the place so get your feelings in ONE place. That is on your self respect and career. Gain control of your self.

 

Get a divorce and be single.

Dont go after another womans husband because your husband didnt work out.

It doesnt make it ok, it doesnt give you a pass, get your head straight...read the stories here.

You are a grown adult woman , you do not need his assistance finding a job.

Stand on your own two feet, focus on fixing yourself, getting individual counseling, contacting an attorney...stop making excuses. Stop even thinking about men at ALL right now. You are also married and just bevause its a bad marriage doesnt mean you handle it with an affair.

Get it together...I dont care if he might be head over heels for you...the answer is NO...do not pursue this friendship, just nip this in the bud as the pain you will experience will trump any pain you have ever felt so just knock it off.

 

 

You are right in everything you have said. Other than, in my profession and where I live getting a job is all about who you know. Also, I never once asked him for help, it was offered and I took it because I need to do whatever it takes to get a job.

 

Also, I am not going to have an affair or ever tell him how I feel about him. I definitely feel that, no matter how unhappy, it's not ok to cheat or to go after someone else's husband. I'm just curious, but I don't want to take action at all or act on anything. I don't know why I'm so curious, really, and I do know that I shouldn't be. That's the extent of it.

 

I definitely need therapy, definitely. I tried going a few months ago and my husband got very angry that I went. I went anyway for awhile, but his constant anger about it wore me down. I honestly don't know how to gain the strength/courage to tell him I want to separate. As awful as he is most of the time, the small amount of time that he treats us we'll always causes me to feel guilty for wanting out. I really think it's like a Stockholm syndrome situation to an extent.

[NTV]

I said that because the pp asked me if I had told him that I was unhappy in the marriage (or something to that effect). It actually doesn't take much for me to be happy in the marriage. I don't expect him to be responsible for my happiness. However, when the person you married calls you names, talks to other women, and has no interest in being intimate with you, it does take its toll. I'm generally a very cheerful person and most people have no idea what I go through at home. It almost seems to make him more angry the happier I am around him. I'd like to see anyone treated with so much disdain for so many years, who had given and given and tried to make their marriage work, only to have their spouse refuse to make an effort, and to be told that they wished they had never married and are only in it for the kids because they can't stand you...be truly happy. I have so much pain inside and so much guilt for feeling like I don't want to be with him anymore, even though he tells me that he doesn't want to be with me on a daily basis. I try hard, but it's pretty difficult to be a really happy person under those circumstances.

 

 

 

A couple of thoughts pop into my mind here...

 

 

the first, is that your husband's definitely cheating on you by your description. I was on the fence but the extra info makes it so you don't need Sherlock holmes to tell you (cus I'm not smart enough to be him, lol).

 

 

the second is that if he's pissed off when you act happy? f*cking act happy more often. do it just to mess with him. because... that right there is funny. you already are looking at your marriage with enough pain... when you finally do get out of it, you can at least look back and see that even though he was a jerk you had fun messing with him. Think of it like moving the stapler to a different spot on the desk of the OCD co-worker after they leave for the day. a funny prank.

 

 

the third... is as weird as it sounds, there are folks that are locked away in prison that ARE happy. they choose to be regardless of their circumstance. Yes, for some it shows a twisted mind, but for others it shows an inner strength and confidence in who they are.

 

 

Now keep in mind, I'm not telling you that you should stay or go. That's your decision, and it sounds like you've already made it. I'm telling you that... idk... you're already in a sucky place, why not make the best of it?