I want to say goodbye for good now

[Sabella]

Hello, I've been lurking here for about a week. Ive been reading many stories and learning some painful truths about myself and the situation I've put myself in. I debated about posting. Im in very fragile state right now. I'm hoping by sharing a bit about my story I will get through this easier, and not fall back into my old habits.

 

I've been in a long distance EA (and physical 3xs) for about 3 years now. We are both married with children. It snowballed very quickly for us and I fell hard for him. He gave me all the things i thought I didn't have, or even really know I was missing in my marriage. The passion and excitement, but even more importantly, the friendship. We told each other many secrets and shared so much and ofc had many things in common. Like finding a soul mate. I stupidly never thought about how much I could love him. It was intoxicating.

 

We had guilt over what we were doing and tried to end things a few different times. Usually after just a few days to a week after ending things, I would reach out and beg him to come back. Sometimes under the guise of being just friends because I couldn't stand the thought of never hearing from him again. He became very ingrained in my every day life. We texted constantly and he was the first person I would talk in the morning and last person at night.

 

its been a very addicting and consuming relationship and I think I'm finally at the point where I see it more clearly and realize that although it felt insanely good, it was never really good. I was believing in lie and loving a lie.

 

He ended things about 6 weeks ago, his reasons were about his boys and the guilt he feels regarding us, which is ofc totally understandable. This time I lured him back with just being friends again, but for the first time, I actually meant it. I couldn't do the push/pull anymore with my heart, but I still care so much for him. I always assumed we would be at least friends. After about a month of strict friendship, I realized I couldn't really do that. We talked about it and we said our goodbyes.

 

It's been two weeks of NC and it's been so f'ing hard. I can't stop crying and I've actually made myself physically ill. I can't go on like this and it's getting difficult to hide from my family.

 

I know I'm an idiot for doing this, for doing this to my spouse and kids. Im still in a bit of shock that I even got here. But I don't want to remain here, I want to move forward.

 

I don't worry that he will contact me, I believe he is really done. I am worried about myself. I have a day or so when I'm doing ok, and then it all turns into ***** and I just want to hear his voice and see how he is. I know realistically it will take a bit of time, since we were together for a few years.

 

Please help me stay strong and not contact him. i don't want that life any longer and I want to put that energy and love towards my husband and children.

 

Thank you for listening. It helps just getting some of it out there, in the open as I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

[NTV]

If you want the pain of missing him to stop and to never go back.... tell your husband. If you ever want to fully believe he loves you he has to know who you are completely....

[Sabella]

NTV, I dont know if I can do that right now. Will you share your story with me?

[NTV]

Lol working from smartphone right now so I'd need a finger shrinking machine. Maybe tomorrow. But I can tell you I found out the truth and had to pull some of it out like teeth. If she had been honest with me from the get go trust would be a lot easier to rebuild.... total honesty will be infinitely better than him finding out on his own later.

 

But you only have to read a few stories from bh to know mine really. Just like affairs are cut from the same cloth so is the pain. It's about how many yards of pain cloth you want to give him. You might think lying or holding back part of the truth might help but it only makes more pain...

[Sabella]

My thumbs are a total nightmare on my iPhone too

 

I hear what you are saying about being upfront and it makes sense to me. I feel like throwing up at the very thought to be honest. But it isn't just about me.

[ladydesigner]

(((Sabella))) first off welcome to LS! The best thing you can do at this point is stick to the NC no matter what. Your MM may contact you again, but you will need to be strong not to engage again. It seems A's are easy to enter but hell to leave.

 

If you want to save your M, most will tell you to disclose all to your H (BS=Blind Spouse) and work from the bottom up and MC together. You will also have to be remorseful (not regretful) for your A or your M can never reconcile. If you have no desire to save the M then the best thing to do is D and don't tell your BS about your A if you do decide to D.

[Sabella]

TY Lady, I really needed those hugs!! I am determined to keep the NC in place. I cant even put into words how emotionally messed up I have been. It's actually physically painful, like what I imagine a drug withdrawal would feel like.

 

I don't know where I go from here. I guess I will just take it a step at a time for now as I come to terms with what I've done and why, and work towards making sense of my life.

[Poppy47]

Welcome to LS.

I know where you are right now.

I was involved with MM for 7 years on and off.

 

He became part of my daily living . I know now, that he made sure he was always in touch with me to keep me hooked. He did so many small thoughtful things too.... flowers, cards in the mail, love letters, small gifts. He even took care of me after surgery once.

 

It didn't occur to me for many years that he was controlling me with his "love". I was pretty much alone in the world after my husband died. It was like being set adrift alone 33 years of marriage. MM knew that I was lonely and had nobody close.

 

I used to think that all the attention and sweetness was wonderful. It meant that I was special to him and he had fallen in love with me . He said he couldn't leave his wife or lose his family and community but loved me just the same. In my opinion now, his motives were selfish. He loved neither me or his family. He was scared witless of losing his standing in his small community.

 

I did a lot of reading about affairs and the MM who are happy to engage in long term affairs and still stay married. Then I read a lot about narcissism and "love bombing". The whole thing fitted him to a T....

The A was sucking the life out of me with cycles of excitement, depression, despair, mistrust and upsets.

 

I tried and tried to leave it many times. I have what I believe is clarity about xMM and will never go back.

 

You should tell your husband and hope he will support you in recovering from the A. It won't be easy for you whichever way you go. Just don't look back and remember your family. You are very fortunate to have them.

 

Cheers,

Poppy

[Sabella]

Hi Poppy

Yes I agree with you totally. I felt the same about the attention and just now looking over these years, seeing some of the manipulation involved in how he dealt with me. He would be super hot and heavy and adoring, then blammo, just back away. There were lots of control issues there for him. He also had issues emotionally. Not a big surprise really as we were both stupidly in the affair together. We obviously we're both broken in lots of ways.

 

I've realized that I was avoiding all the bad stuff in my marriage by having the affair. My husband has issues with alcohol and anger. We've done counseling off and on for many years. I think it would probably be better to D. I can't see myself in any sort of reslationship any time soon.

 

So that's where I am with my stuff atm.

 

Poppy thank you so much for sharing with me. It really does help me and I'm glad you could get some of that out as well. Big hugs!

[NTV]

My thumbs are a total nightmare on my iPhone too

 

I hear what you are saying about being upfront and it makes sense to me. I feel like throwing up at the very thought to be honest. But it isn't just about me.

 

 

 

That's why you need to do it. You 'feel like throwing up at the very thought of being honest'??? Do you really want to live like that?

 

 

What happens with that feeling spreads to other parts of your life? This will consume you if you let it.

 

 

"The truth will set you free" has been said since before I was born, and still said for a reason.

 

 

In this life we can only control ourselves. Our perceptions our words our action... the things that make us who we are. Who do you want to be?

[Sabella]

something pretty terrible happened last night. I don't feel like I can post the details out here.

 

Out of that incident a couple things happened, one suprised me one didn't.

 

It didn't surprise me that it solidified that my marriage is over and I need to ask for a D. I can't deal with his anger and I'm tired of lying about his actions, especially to my kids.

 

What did surprise me is that in the past, AP would have been the first person I talked with about it. Not only did I not break NC, but it made me mad. Mad that I always told myself that he would be there for me when I needed him. Mad that I told myself lies about him and his love for me.

 

I am truly alone in this

[lemondrop21]

something pretty terrible happened last night. I don't feel like I can post the details out here.

 

Out of that incident a couple things happened, one suprised me one didn't.

 

It didn't surprise me that it solidified that my marriage is over and I need to ask for a D. I can't deal with his anger and I'm tired of lying about his actions, especially to my kids.

 

What did surprise me is that in the past, AP would have been the first person I talked with about it. Not only did I not break NC, but it made me mad. Mad that I always told myself that he would be there for me when I needed him. Mad that I told myself lies about him and his love for me.

 

I am truly alone in this

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please know that people are here from you, even just "strangers on the internet." You aren't alone. Your kids need you, too, and love you, and are there for you in the way that they can be. Sending you lots of hugs ((((Sabella))))

[CarrieT]

OP, others had given you the fix: Tell your husband.

 

Why do you think you can't do that? What excuses are there to not be honest with the man you pledged your love and fidelity to?

[elaine567]

something pretty terrible happened last night. I don't feel like I can post the details out here.

 

Out of that incident a couple things happened, one suprised me one didn't.

 

It didn't surprise me that it solidified that my marriage is over and I need to ask for a D. I can't deal with his anger and I'm tired of lying about his actions, especially to my kids.

 

If you are in an abusive/violent relationship with your husband then telling him the truth about your affair is NOT a good idea and may even put you or your APs life in danger.

[Forceawakensme]

If you are in an abusive/violent relationship with your husband then telling him the truth about your affair is NOT a good idea and may even put you or your APs life in danger.

 

 

This.

 

Telling your H the details of your A if he has anger issues seems to be sort of like batting a bees nest to me.

 

Sounds like the best thing to is stay strict NC and work on divorcing your husband as amicably as possible so that you can separate and co-parent, providing your kids with as peaceful and calm transition as possible. JMHO !

[Sabella]

I'm a nerd and don't really know how to use quotes in my replies yet, but I will try and respond honestly.

 

Spouse has alcoholic tendencies that get better and back to worse. It will always be a monkey on his back. He has severe anger issues, but he has never hit me or the kids. He can be very emotionally abusive and in your face when he is pissed and yelling at you. He tends to hit and break "things"

 

last night our 17 year old cat was annoying him and I believe he kicked him too hard or shooed him to roughly. I had to have him put to sleep. It was god awful. I had that sweet cat before my kids were even born, to see him broken and in pain, it just destroyed me. He was old and I would have had to put him down this year I think anyways, but he didn't deserve to die like that. I know spouse feels horrible, and I know he didn't mean to do that. But that's typical for him to react out of anger and break things. But that was my living fur baby. I can't even talkabout that anymore. I'm a mess about it.

 

We have been in and out of counseling for the same issues for 20 years. Sometimes they get better for a while, but they tend to come back. His core response to many things is straight out anger. I have had a really difficult time with this because I grew up in a similar, but worse household. So as soon as he starts yelling, I turn into a scared and nervous child. We have talked about this ad nauseum. But it never seems to change.

 

I've stayed for a few reasons. He is not all horrid and I'm far from perfect. We essentially grew up together. Been through many hard times together and have built an ok life with amazing kids.

 

I'm afraid if I divorce him he will slide back into drinking. I'm afraid if we share joint custody of the kids that I won't be there to protect them from his outbursts. I was trying to rationalize just staying till the kids grew up and that's how I found myself in stupid affair.

 

I know he will want to try counseling again, I just don't have anything left to give to this any longer. But I'm also very scared, I'm not going to lie about that. Maybe I'm just afraid of being alone. I'm obviously conflict avoidant too.

 

I'm just really trying to process all of it, and it's a lot.

[elaine567]

So he killed your cat - no words.

[Sabella]

Essentially Elaine, yes. I dont even know how to process any of this, accident or not. It's just a **** storm.

[Forceawakensme]

((((... beyond sickened by this. Animal cruelty is just inexcusable.. doesnt matter how old the cat was or how drunk he was.. .inexcusable. He hasn't hit you or the kids... Yet. One night he may just accidently push you or the kids a little too hard, just like the cat.

 

I hope so much you can gain the strength to divorce him and go for full custody. If hes not all horrid he would have to understand (in his rational moments) this is in the kids' best interest until he gets serious help and gets gets fully sober.

 

Also, perhaps you should look into Coda meetings. There is great support there for people im sure you can identify with.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so very sorry. Just no words

 

I understand feeling trapped, alone, broken, terrified of all the potential futures I truly do. It paralyses one. It's time to make a change. I think you know that. Knowing & doing are different things. Be brave.

[stilltrying16]

I am so very sorry Sabella, sweetheart. Your post made me cry. I wish so much I could help. Please stay here, keep posting. We really are here for you.

[jenkins95]

I think you are an amazing person Sabella, and clearly the members here have already taken you to our hearts.

 

We are here for you, we will help you through this. You can be happy again, as you deserve to be and like your kids need you to be

 

One step at a time, you will get there Sabella. l do think it's admirable that you are managing to maintain NC during such an incredibly tough, stressful time where ever ounce of your being is screaming out for the temporary comfort that would come with contact with your AP. You are strong and determined and you have your head in the right place. I have nothing but respect for you and wish you all the best of luck going forward....

 

Keep posting, you are one of us now.

Edited May 17, 2016 by jenkins95

[Sabella]

Thank you all so very much for your support, it really does mean the world to me. So much of this is for some reason embarrassing to me, admitting all my mistakes and laying myself bare, even if it's anonymously. But after reading so many similar stories before posting, I knew I needed to do this.

 

I do know what I need to do, and I will take my steps and do it.

 

I was able to talk to my sister today. Aside from you fine, online folks, she is the only person who knows all my secrets, heartaches, fears and mistakes. She has been very supportive and echoes what everyone here is saying and what I know.

 

I'm not sure when I'm going to have the big talk with spouse. It will be within the next few days for sure. My sis suggested that I give it a couple days to clear my head so I can speak clearly and succinctly. I don't want any confusion for him either.

 

Sadly my sister lives in another country, but she is my biggest cheerleader and I'm very lucky to have her phone calls.

 

Right now I'm so emotionally spent, I just need to regroup. Need to put on my happy face for my kids too, as I need to grab them from school soon.

 

Thank you all so much, I just can't say that enough. I will keep posting. I will try and reach out to others to help them through their journey towards healing too. It helps me to help others.

 

Big hugs

[Sabella]

I had planned on doing the big talk tonight, face to face, but H kinda cornered me on the phone today because he needed to see where we were at after what happened. He is prettying sickened by it, as he should be.

 

I told him everything. It was pretty intense and ofc very emotional with lots of crying. He seemed to take it better than I thought, he suspected most of what was happening with me. I'm certain its allstill sinking in and we agreed to have more discussions honestly about what we were feeling. I'm guessing this is just round 1 of many more to come.

 

He wants to do counseling again. I told him he needs to do that either way to deal with his anger issues. I told him I'm not sure if I want to work on this anymore. We've tried many times. And it seems to just put a band aid on things temporarily. I was honest and said I wasn't sure either of us would be able to come back from this.

 

One of the hardest things was telling him that I'm no longer sexually attracted to him. I assumed on my part it was all tied to the emotional aspect of our relationship, but it's deeper than that. I dont know if that can be rekindled.

 

Some things he needs to do, we will always be in a relationship because of our children. But I don't want to make him jump through a bunch of hoops to win me back. I can't promise it's even possible at this point.

 

Aside from all his issues, he deserves to be forgiven and loved completely. He seems to be willing to give up the sexual side of our relationship, which I think is crazy and not being honest. He deserves to be loved completely and I'm not sure I can give that anymore. It does make me feel terrible.

 

I am glad we are talking and being honest. There is much to work on, regardless if we end up staying married.

[stilltrying16]

I'm very relieved to hear this. Hard to imagine a better outcome, given what you started with.

 

But the important question is how you are feeling?

 

I don't think MC makes sense at all when one partner is more screwed up than the other. The screwed up person needs a hell of a lot of IC before he/she is remotely receptive to MC. I've seen instances when the other partner, the one who was cheated on and/or emotionally abused, is damaged by being forced into premature MC. The MC's commitment usually is to save the marriage even if that has to happen at the expense of the BP. JMO.

 

I hope there's no backsliding on his part. But if there is, I hope you don't feel obliged to explain your reasoning to him again. I'm sure he's upset with himself for what happened, but so be it. I hope he heals and recovers. But it should not be at your expense.

 

Sending you strength and good wishes. Please keep posting. Hugs!