Jump to content

Why does MM act like I cheated on his wife?


Recommended Posts

Why is it that when MM go back to the wife, they start to front and act like the OW is the enemy? They act like the OW was the one who cheated on their wife. For me it was like him and the wife ganged up on me, like bonnie and clyde.

 

#1~ I did not make him cheat

#2~I did not make him leave her, he chose to do that

#3~I never butt in to their business, I kept my mouth shut the whole time we dated

 

So the minute he went back, he acted like I was the enemy, when he left it seemed like it was a sudden decision for him, although it probably really wasn't but, he decided to leave on bad terms not me. If he would have just talked to me and told me he was going back I would have been like ok that is fine, even if I really didn't want him to leave, I would have easily let go!

 

So now I sit here thinking why did he act like that? Hmmmmmmm?

Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a couple of reasons I believe your MM has treated you this way.

 

1 ~ I think it makes him feel less guilty to act as though it was all your fault. He is pretty much putting the blame all on you. That way, in his mind, he did nothing wrong and he can walk away with a clear conscience.

 

2 ~ If his wife found out (which she probably did judging from the way he ended things) he is probably making you look like the "bad guy" to make it easier for his wife to forgive him. He probably tells her, "Oh honey, she just wouldn't leave me alone..blah blah blah.

 

Unfortunately, he sounds like a real jerk. Consider it a blessing that you seen this side of him. He is a coward and can't face the music. All I can say is, take it as a leason learned and try to move on with your life. He isn't worth it and you deserve better so walk away with your head high and most of all, your dignity.

 

Good Luck

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sad Flower

first of all I'm sorry your going through this!!

i think it he's probly selfish & just shifting the blame to you instead of taking responsibility for his actions

you know the W was probly like that ho, that skank and he probly just fed into it ,

o it was all her i love you baby.

I'm sorry he did you like that ,he burned a bridge i hope you never let him back in your life ,

if you don't mind can i ask a few questions ?

how long were you together ?

did he leave her for awhile for you ?

if not how did she find out ?

 

i hope i was helpful ,keep posting even just to vent !!

good luck

and you deserve better then someone who doesn't even have the balls to be honest with you!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
he is probably making you look like the "bad guy" to make it easier for his wife to forgive him. He probably tells her, "Oh honey, she just wouldn't leave me alone..blah blah blah.

 

That is same the thing a good friend had told me, so it must be true!

 

LYNNERED, he left her for a while, we dated for about 9 mos. I feel he maybe he did the "let's take a break thing" on her, so that he could come date me and so it wouldn't make him look so bad and he wouldn't feel so guilty. so she knew about me right away, so she considered it cheating, and so do I since he never really had the intentions of leaving her, but only to take a "break" from her.

 

My friends have told me he probably tells his wife I was some psycho girl for him

Link to post
Share on other sites

what a @ss!!

your not the bad guy at all !!

hardly OW if he was on a break ,

some people need to get a life !!

they need to work or the marriage ,instead of focusing on what happened with you,

he sounds like a loser anyway!!

i am so sorry he hurt you ,

but i am glad you found out how he was sooner then later!!

 

good luck

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.

Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes I've realized that his TRUE COLORS came out when his affair world started to crash, I guess the easiest thing to do was bash me to make her believe his lies. I feel sorry for his wife, she was decieved big time!

 

Like once I went to visit him, while I was visiting him his phone was ringing, after it ringing for a while for the second time, I made him answer it, it was the wife, I could hear her all happy on the phone talking to him but I guess he was acting wierd to her on the phone (obviously cause I was there next to him and little did she know) I could hear her start asking "what is wrong" "is something wrong" He just replied with no nothing is wrong and asked her if he could call her back and still she was still asking "what is wrong" he just said LET ME CALL YOU BACK, she finally was like ok then...Well 1/2 hour later phone rings again but we are too busy getting busy so he didn't answer his phone.

 

I could of cared less, I wasn't the wife being cheated on, I knew the game would come to an end sooner or later so I was like Whatever Guy. Well a week after that phone call from her to him and him acting wierd with her with me next to him, he broke it off with me, well actually he told me that "we should take some time apart"

 

What a joke!

 

Now that I think back, he had probably already told her he would be coming home, back to her!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Like I said before, he sounds like a coward and a loser. Put this behind you and try to move on with your life. Don't waste any more of your precious time wondering what happened. Unfortunately, you will probably never know the truth for sure. I think you need to accept that this part of your life will be left with unanswered questions and then try to let it go. We all get involved with someone who we wish we hadn't at one time or another, the most important thing is that you learn from this experience so you don't fall into the same situation again. Best Wishes :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

hey sad flower,

i'm sorry you are going through this too.

i am sure it is mainly to do with making himself look like the innocent party with the wife, lots of them seem to do this. they sit together and cuss the ow, because thats what makes the wife feel better and he knows it.

in my case the w doesnt know though and he is still treating me like the enemy!

so i think it makes them feel like they are being nicer to their wives by thinking badly of you or something.

they are basically as somebody said before cowards and they are lazy too. they havent got the strength or the inclination to work on their marriage in the first place. so why would they bother shouldering any responsibility if they can get away with not doing so?

i think also i remember times with my mm when he would try and act like i was a bad person when we were seeing each other, like really exaggerate something i said as a joke or make out i was insincere if i was being genuinely nice. i think if they think you are a bad person it makes them feel like it is/was ok to use you.

they can only kid themselves for so long. i think leave them to it, dont give them any ammo, sooner or later they have to realise its not your fault.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry if I'm intruding here, but I have to say this. My H had a affair - he did come back to me. I knew the OW fairly well and have NEVER thought anything bad of her. She's a great person in all aspects. Yes, I was and still am angry that she slept with him/persued him knowing he was married - but he was/is just at fault no more than her. I won't go into the details... Anyhow, he left things with her as, "I'm going back to my family, I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you, but I have to do this." That was it. NC began for them. He NEVER bad mouthed her, nor did I. We have no reason to do this. We all make mistakes.

 

My H NEVER speaks of OW. She is a good friend of the family, he wants to hear nothing about her or ever see her again. He says he hates her, and he does carry a lot of anger, resentment and guilt. Really he is more angry at himself for what he's done. Seeing her, hearing about her would just be a reminder of his faults.

 

Going cold turkey, so to speak, with saying good bye and never hearing from MM again is probabley a good thing. Why would you want to have him beat around the bush and string you along if he doesn't intend to leave his wife? To truely make the effort to work on his marriage he has to do NC. He HAS to. Really, I do think in these types of situations there is ever an easy way to say good-bye. All of these endings usually end badly as someone is always left hurting.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sad Flower,

 

so... he took a break from her to be with you and then told you should take some time apart and he went back to her... so what next? he sounds selfish and like he'd just love to bounce back and forth between the two of you. and by telling you each that you're on a "break" he gets rid of any guilt. or at least in his mind.

 

i know it's hard but try to forget him. some guys who enter affairs really don't intend to get themselves into the mess they do, they have good hearts and are just struggling with life. not that that's a good reason but my point is that they are still good men. guys like this, i hate to say it, but.... he sounds like a user.

 

PLEASE take care of youself and do what you can to get over him. NC and all.

 

Breathe,

 

i had to read what you said about the OW twice because i was sure that i had to have misread your comments that she's a great person. with all the bashing that goes on here, and some of it deserved, it's nice to see someone, especially a BS who can look beyond the mistake and see the people involved as people and not monsters. that you're able to see what happened as "bad" and not the people as awful. i don't know that there are many women out their like you! that's pretty amazing. and thanks for at least letting me see that there's one BS out there who's secure enough to be able to say what you did. <<hugs>> i'm SURE my MM's wife has said some pretty nasty things about me, and i'm guessing he's agreed with her to keep the peace.

 

izzy

Link to post
Share on other sites

breathe,

yes that is very refreshing! you must be a very strong wise woman.

still though i wonder why the men hate the ow afterwards in alot of cases. perhaps as you say because it is a reminder of what they did. it seems unfair but hey, cest la vie!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that your situation is unfortunately fairly typical in that the MM and the BS often will blame the OW as a coping mechanism.

 

I think your MM felt/feels guilty about what he did to both his W and to you and transfers the blame to you to make himself feel better. My ex-MM did the same thing at one point - he literally attacked MY poor morals, etc. (I'm not kidding) and said I should be ashamed for having an affair with someone who is married. This was while he and I were still involved and while he was still leading me to believe he loved me and wanted to get a divorce and be with me! The pathetic thing is that I was so confused that I stuck around after he said these things. Good for you in that it sounds like you have moved on.

 

My ex-MM introduced me to his best friend who I subsequently worked on a business deal with. This friend got loaded one night after a business dinner w/ me and started talking about MM, the wife, etc. and told me how the W hates me and all the awful, untrue and frightening things she says about me. To put this in perspective, these were things she is saying now - (she doesn't know that I have had an affair Version 2 with her H and thinks I have been out of the picture for years and years after he left her, lived with me, and went back to her). Bottom line - she has chosen to blame me, for years, and feel negatively towards me as a way to transfer the blame to me and make herself feel OK about accepting her H back after he left her for another woman. Breathe is an unusual example - most BS seem to take this position.

 

This is something he is doing to make you feel badly, make himself feel better, and transfer blame to you. It's a typical part of the triangle relationship - in order to move forward together -the MM and BS often band together in the fight and the easiest way is for them to mark the OW as the evil force.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the bashing and/or labeling goes all 3 ways to the parties involved.

 

OW/OM - labeled a "Homewrecker"

MW/MM - labeled a "Liar" and "Cheater"

BS - labeled "Stupid" (for taking him/her back)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by Breathe

I think the bashing and/or labeling goes all 3 ways to the parties involved.

 

OW/OM - labeled a "Homewrecker"

MW/MM - labeled a "Liar" and "Cheater"

BS - labeled "Stupid" (for taking him/her back)

3 sides to every story!!!

or every A!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

Because for him it's easier to blame you. Put it all on you so he can selfishly feel guilt free and not deal with what HE did. Doesn't want to own up to it and that's crappy.

 

Takes TWO to tango and MM was a part of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes I believe he is shifting blame to me, and act like he is the victim of the other woman to make his wife feel sorry for him and forgive him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
aussiechick

Hey there, all you other woman supporters. Pull your heads in and get your facts straight!

 

The MM portrays contempt and hatred for the A partner for verygood reason:

 

1. She was a willing 'partner in crime' of his betrayal and deceipt of his BS! The woman he truely loves.

2. He really does hate you for that fact

3. He knows his little diversion was wrong and had to end. TOTALLY!!!! Severely at all costs!!!!

4. And probably most importantly, the OW never shows any remorse, guilt or sympathy/empathy toward

the BS. His true love!

 

You scumbag OW show your true colours to the MM when he behaves in this manner. Why? Because you are hiding from your own guilt. Never your responsibility, never did you play any part in the destruction and damage to an innocent persons life!

 

May God forgive all you OW, because as a BS I NEVER WILL!!!!!

 

You are all nothing but egotistical, self centered, selfish, immoral, 'I did nothing wrong' homewreaking whores!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

aussiechick,

 

sorry you got hurt and i guess you've set all of us straight. when you get a chance, read midori's post at the top of this forum.

 

izzy

Link to post
Share on other sites

Aussiechick,

 

I am terribly sorry to hear that you were betrayed. HOWEVER...it takes two to tango baby. HELLO WAKE UP!!! It blows my mind how some women put all the blame on the OW. You have NO IDEA what your husband was telling this woman. You need to be mad at him, he's the one who turned your vows into bullsh**. But hey, if it makes you feel better and more likely to stay with such a loser if you blame the OW, more power to ya. But do us all a favor, if you can't speak from a rational and intelligent stand point, just shut up.

Link to post
Share on other sites

he is probably ashamed (as he should be) and is displacing the blame to make himself feel better.

 

he is a turd, anyway you slice it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's SuperOtherWoman.....

 

We have the power to magnetically pull men away from the dinner table, the family barbeque, the child's soccer match, the loving exchanges with his wife, and suck him into a sexual web of desire from which he cannot escape... when we put on our SuperOtherWoman costumes we are singularly able to destroy years of happy marriage with a single wink...men cannot resist us...how can they?...it's not their fault....we have powers other women don't...they are rendered unable to resist...

 

Please.

 

I could knock you on the floor laughing with the wacked out story my ex-MM positioned to me (hello - I know the facts buster) -- of how the affair was totally my fault -- in his tall tale he had nothing to do with initiating it. This guy you were involved with is the same way - he feels guilty and he is pointing the finger at anything or anybody to avoid taking responsibility.

 

Gosh. I think I will just sew a new costume that works on all men, not just married men, and go out into the streets today and see if I can just round up a bunch of them. I'm off.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't feel sorry for the OW if they knew their MM was married before the A even started. If you knew the man was married, why did you fall for him? Why did you continue the relationship if you knew he was a MM? Why did you have sex with him if you knew he was married? YOU do have control over what you do. If you were/are the OW and knew it he was a MM then you are just as stupid as the W.

Why would you do that to yourself? I just don't understand it. Do you not care that he has a W at home and possibly children? Do you think you are not going to get hurt by the mm when he decides you are no longer what he wants? Do you hang on to false hopes that he will leave his W for you? And if you think he will, why don't you tell him, you either leave your W or you and I are over? Don't feel like you have no right to do that, you do, it's your life he is messing with and you have every right to know. If he can't give you an answer, dump his butt.

 

You have just as much control over the situation as the MM does. If he wants to have A you simply say "NO, your married!" It doesn't take much to keep your legs together!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by guest

I don't feel sorry for the OW if they knew their MM was married before the A even started. If you knew the man was married, why did you fall for him? Why did you continue the relationship if you knew he was a MM? Why did you have sex with him if you knew he was married? YOU do have control over what you do. If you were/are the OW and knew it he was a MM then you are just as stupid as the W.

Why would you do that to yourself? I just don't understand it. Do you not care that he has a W at home and possibly children? Do you think you are not going to get hurt by the mm when he decides you are no longer what he wants? Do you hang on to false hopes that he will leave his W for you? And if you think he will, why don't you tell him, you either leave your W or you and I are over? Don't feel like you have no right to do that, you do, it's your life he is messing with and you have every right to know. If he can't give you an answer, dump his butt.

 

You have just as much control over the situation as the MM does. If he wants to have A you simply say "NO, your married!" It doesn't take much to keep your legs together!

 

 

while i do feel this is somewhat true, and i do not grant many OW;s who know their men are married any respect, this is not the point of this topic. she wants to know why THE MM is blaming her, not the wife.

 

there's a difference. the MM doesn't get to blame anyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
phillygirl63

I am a BS. Well, let's hope I can say a "former" BS. I am still with my husband, two years of marriage therapy, and things have worked out. My husband never blamed the OW and even though I didn't think much of a chick that would get involved with a man that was still married to the mother of his two young children, I didn't really blame her at all. My husband took the vows with me. He cheated on me. BUT, I am so sick of some OW on this forum putting the blame for their misery solely on the MM. "He told me he was unhappy", "he told me he and his wife slept in separate bedrooms", "he told me he never felt this way about anyone else", yadda, yadda, yadda. He didn't put a gun to your head and force you to have sex with him. You're of age, you have careers, you have a life, you know better than to get involved with a married man. It's absurd to keep acting like the MM completely did you wrong and you were just a poor little waif who didn't understand that he was a lying sack of sh*t. You need to take responsibility for your own unhappiness in this situation. Just like the wife shouldn't blame the OW for her husband's affair, the OW should not keep putting all the blame on the mm. IF HE IS MARRIED AND HITTING ON YOU HE IS NOT A NICE PERSON AND YOU CERTAINLY KNOW THAT ALREADY. STAY AWAY OR TAKE THE FALL, BUT YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME IN THE END.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...