Living arrangements if a MM does leave?

[imperfectangel]

Something I've been thinking about lately. I've seen a few posts where a MM has left and moved directly into the OWs home.

 

Do you think this is the right way? I have always thought it be better if the MM live alone and take some time before moving on with the OW (if at all).

 

Am I in the minority? Does it matter if children are involved?

 

I'm interested in other people's thoughts on this and also does it make a difference if it's the mm's/mw's choice to leave or if they got thrown out by their BS?

[Lady Hamilton]

He moved out and moved in with me. Financially and logistically there was no real way for him to live in another place. At the point he left, he was voluntarily giving his ex all but $100 from his paycheck and I was the sole earner for our family (since his checks went to her). He just couldn't afford his own place.

 

When it came to the kids, he would see them while she was at work at her place. When that became too much of a disaster, he would see them out in public. Eventually, maybe 2-3 months? They came to our house.

 

What's right and what's wrong? I don't think there's a universal answer. What's right for one isn't right for the other. Best to gauge what to do with what's best for each individual situation.

[Ms. Faust]

Generally I think it best for spouses leaving the homes to live on their own for a while. However, I think it's less of a financial hit to have someone waiting in the wings.

[makemyday]

My story: years ago, my xMM was to leave and get his own place, and we'd go from there. His wife found out, kicked him out, and he had nowhere to go. He ended up with me, and we stayed together for 5 years. If we'd lived separately, I think I would have seen early on that we were incompatible, and things would have ended. I think maybe a relationship like that has a better foundation if the partners have some time on their own first. But Lady Hamilton is right: best to assess each situation-they're all different. Good luck!

[minimariah]

Do you think this is the right way?

 

depends on the situation -- many MMs can't really afford to live on their own 1st. if there are no kids, if the MM is emotionally done with the marriage & moved on while still married - then he shouldn't wait. living with the OW is fine, counseling is recommended... although 90% of all the successful affair relationships turned marriages i personally know of didn't even do that & they last for over 25 years.

 

Does it matter if children are involved?

 

of course. typically -- people move on faster when the kids are either really young OR really old(er). there is always this critical age when kids need more time but if you have a baby under a year old OR a young adult of 16,17... they will show you quick how well they adapt so deciding what to do goes faster. you don't really need to wait long when kids are superyoung and/or old enough to understand the situation and maybe decide on their own when they're ready to meet the new partner.

 

our baby was close to 5 years old and my xH decided to wait for about... 8 months, i think... before he introduced his OW/new partner to her; it was our mutual agreement but he could afford to buy his own apartment and his new partner was the one who moved in with him. they moved in 3 months after she was introduced to our little butterfly because the baby adapted well and accepted her, liked her immediately.

 

...also does it make a difference if it's the mm's/mw's choice to leave or if they got thrown out by their BS?

 

in my experience, contrary to the popular opinion - no. the fact that a man, for example, was dumped by his wife doesn't cancel the love he has for the AP; many aren't able to leave on their own especially if the kids are involved.

Edited May 14, 2016 by minimariah

[sandylee1]

Funny you raise this. I have a BW in turmoil because she kicked her cheating SO out and he's moved in with the OW after knowing her for 8 weeks.... but that's not the major issue.. he wants to introduce their kids (18 months and 3 years ) to her. The BW is not having any of it and rightly states the woman is a virtual stranger.

 

 

It's a better move to live alone... but as he was kicked out he had nowhere else to go.

[NTV]

I think kids need a good solid period of time adjusting to their parents separation before introducing a new person. Then again I don't think most people that cheat truly have their kids in the forefront of their priorities. .. otherwise the risk of losing time with them and the emotional damage they'd suffer would be a pretty big preventative measure.... Course I'm not talking about grownup kids.

 

But I have been told my experience as a bh may have slanted my view some on other topics, so it's entirely possible it has here too.

[Lady2163]

An acquaintance of mine - we aren't friends, but have mutual friends, created a horrible situation.

 

She and her husband had the talk with their two kids under the age of 10. Mommy and daddy live you very much, but we're getting divorced. Mommy is moving across the street while the neighbors are in Florida for the winter.

 

Six days later she moved in with her OM. In less than a week these kids went from having a mother and father "happily" married to spending 50% of their time with an acquaintance that "mommy loves very much"

 

The kids didn't take it well. OM is kind of a jealous, gruff man and everyone is shocked they made it 18 months ish.

 

She took a hit with her credibility and reputation. It's a small town in the Bible Belt and having that kind of public acknowledgment is very frowned on.

 

So, I'd avoid that!

[Lady Hamilton]

I'm not sure there is a situation where it comes out publicaly and you don't get some judgement. While more people than you'd expect simply don't care, some do care very much. I'd be lying if I said none of my friendships changed and my reputation was dinged for a time after it became generally known I was "the mistress."

 

However, that does all fade in time, and it fades faster than you'd think. Now, nobody cares. Especially if, when confronted with it, you face it head-on.

 

I generally operated with the mentality that if the affair made me not worth knowing to you, it also made you not worth my knowing either.

 

But that is a good point. I tend to subscribe to the "Gone With the Wind" philosophy of "With enough courage, you can do without a reputation," but for those who get wrapped up in that sort of thing, it is something to consider.

[Sassy Girl]

My father did. We hated it. He moved in with ow and her 4 children. We were constantly vying for just a little bit of attention, but he had none to give. He wouldn't contribute to our schooling, extra curricular activities or any other expenses because he was supporting his ow and her kids. See, dad believed that one parent should always be at home to raise the kids. But when he left, mum had to go back to work to support us, so we Lost our SAHM and became latchkey kids. Dad met his ow in the workplace. They both lost their jobs over the affair. He told her to stay at home and raise her children, and he would support them.

 

He saw us every second weekend, but even then he would work Saturdays and would leave us with ow, whose children were cruel to us. Pretty soon we stopped going. Hurt too much.

 

But hey, he got his piece of happy. Walked into the courthouse telling the judge he couldn't t afford child support because he was raising ows children. He actually said that.

 

So yeah, if kids are involved - bad idea. At least if you want to maintain any kind of relationship with your kids. We were always last on the priority list.

[Lady2163]

I'm not sure there is a situation where it comes out publicaly and you don't get some judgement. While more people than you'd expect simply don't care, some do care very much. I'd be lying if I said none of my friendships changed and my reputation was dinged for a time after it became generally known I was "the mistress."

 

However, that does all fade in time, and it fades faster than you'd think. Now, nobody cares. Especially if, when confronted with it, you face it head-on.

 

I generally operated with the mentality that if the affair made me not worth knowing to you, it also made you not worth my knowing either.

 

But that is a good point. I tend to subscribe to the "Gone With the Wind" philosophy of "With enough courage, you can do without a reputation," but for those who get wrapped up in that sort of thing, it is something to consider.

 

I'm not judging in the least - I'm a former OW. Even with that experience, I have a former friend, my best friend for 30+ years that has a lot of issues with men. She will throw anyone and everyone under the bus for a man. In 30 years she stole one boyfriend from me and "poached" a man that I liked. I saw him first, was friends with him first, she knew I liked him, but she decided since he liked her "better" I should just get over it and deal. That was 17 years ago and I have refused to let her meet ANY man I'm dating. Mber latest stunt was to pack another woman's husband because he's a nice guy and she wasn't treating him right.

 

Her reputation is toast. Women don't want anything to do with her because of these behaviors. Her now boyfriend is having a problem in that the wives of his male friends don't want them around her.

 

She's not the best example, she's diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and she has psych issues, but so many of these issues are because of her weakness/addiction to men and how they make her feel.

[Tayla]

A Healthy exit ( if such can even exist), is to pack up, move into a safe environment and clean up the divorce before making room for the mate of choice.

 

In a standard breakup, a cooling off period would be wise, yet its boggling from an objective viewers take, that the Unfaithful would immediately make house with the AP. To who's benefit does that serve?

[Arieswoman]

minimariah #5

 

many aren't able to leave on their own especially if the kids are involved.

 

IMO that's tosh.

 

So what's stopping them?

 

In my experience if a man really wants a women he'll move heaven and earth to have her.

I know examples of 2 women whose husbands left them with 4 kids each and the youngest a new baby. I know of one women who was left with 2 teenagers. In any event if kids are involved there is never a "good" time to leave.

 

Obviously that if someone wanted their spouse and only their spouse, an affair would not be happening. By the same token, if someone wanted to leave their marriage for another party or just to be legally "free" they would do just that.

 

WS are not forced to stay in a marriage. No-one has a gun to their heads. They choose to cheat because they want both the excitement of their affair and security of their married life.

 

In short they are entitled, selfish people who are cake-eaters.

 

In my own situation there was nothing stopping my WS from leaving to be with his AP who he professed to love. I earned more than he did and was perfectly capable of supporting myself (which I did anyway after the divorce) We had no children.

 

He didn't leave because he was a selfish, cake-eating, lying, lowlife, scumbag who was happy to take advantage of his marriage whilst he got his jollies somewhere else.

 

"I can't leave (just yet) because of the kids" is a tired excuse that MM use so they can continue their diet of cake.

I know of one single girl (divorced, one daughter) who waited 12 years for her MM to leave home. He used the kids as an excuse.

She finally dumped him when she found out his wife was pregnant.

 

So can we put that tired excuse to bed? Thank you.

[minimariah]

So what's stopping them?

 

kids.

 

in my homeland, for example - there is no such thing as joint custody. we don't have that and kids go to the mother in 95% of all cases. that means the dad gets to see them 2 hours every tuesday & thursday + every other weekend which is really just a day and a half. they're often not included in their children's life because the mother often "forgets" to tell them about children's visit to the doctor, school news, birthday invitations... & they complain but it takes years to do something. only when the kids are 13+ their wishes are taken into consideration & they can choose who to live with or contact the other parent on their own. they are more aware of the situation and harder to alienate.

 

to those fathers who actually want to be present in their children's lives - KIDS are a very good reason to stay married. to many... kids are just an excuse. sure. but a lot of folks out there are really staying until the kids are of the age to mantain the relationship with their parents on their own; when coparenting isn't needed anymore.

 

i've learned that a man being dumped by his wife or coming back to her and flip flopping from one home to another... does not cancel his love for the AP, not necessarily.

[Arieswoman]

minimariah,

In UK there is no such thing as "Joint Custody". It is now known as "Joint Residency"

 

Joint residency is considered to be the preferred solution as being in the best interests of most children.

BUT...there are no laws or 'rights' that state that a child should live specifically with either the mother or father.

Assuming they both have parental responsibility it is up to the couple to negotiate residency on the basis of what is best for the children. Many couples neglect to consider this fact and err on the side of what they themselves would prefer (or what suits them).

 

Having said all that and going back to your point about the law in your country - surely, the husband would know these laws and think very carefully before embarking on an affair in the first place?

 

The fact that he was prepared to lose meaningful contact with his own flesh and blood in the pursuit of some extra-marital jollies, says a grat deal about his integrity or lack of it.

 

In my experience if a MM is flim-flamming about between the wife and the AP then there is only one person he loves and that is himself.

 

Sadly, so many women allow these sort of guys to continue their cake-eating instead of kicking their sorry @r$es into touch.

Edited May 15, 2016 by Arieswoman

[lemondrop21]

My father did. We hated it. He moved in with ow and her 4 children. We were constantly vying for just a little bit of attention, but he had none to give. He wouldn't contribute to our schooling, extra curricular activities or any other expenses because he was supporting his ow and her kids. See, dad believed that one parent should always be at home to raise the kids. But when he left, mum had to go back to work to support us, so we Lost our SAHM and became latchkey kids. Dad met his ow in the workplace. They both lost their jobs over the affair. He told her to stay at home and raise her children, and he would support them.

 

He saw us every second weekend, but even then he would work Saturdays and would leave us with ow, whose children were cruel to us. Pretty soon we stopped going. Hurt too much.

 

But hey, he got his piece of happy. Walked into the courthouse telling the judge he couldn't t afford child support because he was raising ows children. He actually said that.

 

So yeah, if kids are involved - bad idea. At least if you want to maintain any kind of relationship with your kids. We were always last on the priority list.

Sassy, I just wanted to say, I didn't realize this part of your backstory and this post really struck me. I'm so sorry you had to go through this and that your father chose to behave this way. Did you ever reconnect with your father as an adult? Did he ever express remorse? If you don't want to share, that's understandable, but I was just curious.

 

A close childhood friend of mine was in a similar situation except that she was OW/MM's daughter. She had no idea until her early teen years that her father had walked out on his previous wife and two kids, who had become estranged from him (I'm not sure whether that was the father or kids' choice). My friend has always felt so conflicted about it, as her father was a relatively good father to her and she has never understood how he could have done such a thing to his other children. Sometimes she thinks about reaching out to her half-siblings but I think she too feels embarrassed. Now her father is in his mid-70s and developing health issues, and my friend (in her late 20s) is the only person in the family who will talk to him or care for him, as her mother (OW/eventual 2nd wife) left him and wants nothing to do with his care. It's such a sad situation all around.

[Sassy Girl]

Sassy, I just wanted to say, I didn't realize this part of your backstory and this post really struck me. I'm so sorry you had to go through this and that your father chose to behave this way. Did you ever reconnect with your father as an adult? Did he ever express remorse? If you don't want to share, that's understandable, but I was just curious.

 

A close childhood friend of mine was in a similar situation except that she was OW/MM's daughter. She had no idea until her early teen years that her father had walked out on his previous wife and two kids, who had become estranged from him (I'm not sure whether that was the father or kids' choice). My friend has always felt so conflicted about it, as her father was a relatively good father to her and she has never understood how he could have done such a thing to his other children. Sometimes she thinks about reaching out to her half-siblings but I think she too feels embarrassed. Now her father is in his mid-70s and developing health issues, and my friend (in her late 20s) is the only person in the family who will talk to him or care for him, as her mother (OW/eventual 2nd wife) left him and wants nothing to do with his care. It's such a sad situation all around.

 

We still talk occasionally but the relationship is strained.

 

Last time I actually saw him 18 months agoo he reminded me in no uncertain terms... Words to he effect of

 

"When are you going to get it through your thick f**king skull that my WIFE is my LIFE"

 

This was after we were relegated to the back rows of the church for my paternal grandmothers funeral in favour of my step siblings and all their children. The grandmother who raised me as a teenager because he kicked me out of his house. So no, we've never mended those fences. He has no remorse. He will die a lonely old man because my step siblings just use him. His problem.

Edited May 15, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[Ms. Faust]

minimariah,

In UK there is no such thing as "Joint Custody". It is now known as "Joint Residency"

 

Joint residency is considered to be the preferred solution as being in the best interests of most children.

BUT...there are no laws or 'rights' that state that a child should live specifically with either the mother or father.

Assuming they both have parental responsibility it is up to the couple to negotiate residency on the basis of what is best for the children. Many couples neglect to consider this fact and err on the side of what they themselves would prefer (or what suits them).

 

Having said all that and going back to your point about the law in your country - surely, the husband would know these laws and think very carefully before embarking on an affair in the first place?

 

The fact that he was prepared to lose meaningful contact with his own flesh and blood in the pursuit of some extra-marital jollies, says a grat deal about his integrity or lack of it.

 

In my experience if a MM is flim-flamming about between the wife and the AP then there is only one person he loves and that is himself.

 

Sadly, so many women allow these sort of guys to continue their cake-eating instead of kicking their sorry @r$es into touch.

 

Interesting. How is child support worked out in this situation?

[lemondrop21]

We still talk occasionally but the relationship is strained.

 

Last time I actually saw him 18 months agoo he reminded me in no uncertain terms... Words to he effect of

 

"When are you going to get it through your thick f**king skull that my WIFE is my LIFE"

 

This was after we were relegated to the back rows of the church for my paternal grandmothers funeral in favour of my step siblings and all their children. The grandmother who raised me as a teenager because he kicked me out of his house. So no, we've never mended those fences. He has no remorse. He will die a lonely old man because my step siblings just use him. His problem.

I have no words. Just that I'm so sorry. I hope that you've been able to get support from other members of your family, and friends, over the years. It's sad when we have to construct our own families because someone wasn't there for us as they should have been.

 

You are one of the more direct/blunt posters here and sometimes I read your words as being fairly cynical (this isn't meant as criticism, it's just how I read you). Knowing more of your backstory now I'm honestly surprised you aren't even more cynical.

[lemondrop21]

I realize I derailed this thread a bit, sorry. Getting back on topic, if MM were to leave (he's definitely not leaving, but in theory), no way would I want him moving in right away. He needs to prove he that he can be strong enough (as a grown a** man) to live on his own for a bit, and kids need a place they can visit their dad without someone else in the picture immediately.

 

If the MM can't afford to move out on his own, well, there's moving in with a relative temporarily, there are shared accommodations... not ideal for children either but I think it's better than Daddy shacking up with someone else. Just my 2 cents.

[Lady Hamilton]

I'm not judging in the least - I'm a former OW. Even with that experience, I have a former friend, my best friend for 30+ years that has a lot of issues with men. She will throw anyone and everyone under the bus for a man. In 30 years she stole one boyfriend from me and "poached" a man that I liked. I saw him first, was friends with him first, she knew I liked him, but she decided since he liked her "better" I should just get over it and deal. That was 17 years ago and I have refused to let her meet ANY man I'm dating. Mber latest stunt was to pack another woman's husband because he's a nice guy and she wasn't treating him right.

 

Her reputation is toast. Women don't want anything to do with her because of these behaviors. Her now boyfriend is having a problem in that the wives of his male friends don't want them around her.

 

She's not the best example, she's diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and she has psych issues, but so many of these issues are because of her weakness/addiction to men and how they make her feel.

 

Naturally, that's not so much a scenario where an affair results in a divorce then they make a go of it... She's a man-eater. That is certainly harder to get around because she's still living that way and has no qualms about doing it again.

 

She can get over/not care about her reputation, and that's one thing... But if she's hoping for acceptance but still leaving the door open for more of the same... That's probably not in the cards.

[Arieswoman]

Ms Faust post #18

 

Interesting. How is child support worked out in this situation?

 

That is set by the court (judge) at the hearing.

[imperfectangel]

No problem LD, SG's situation makes the answers to this question more important I think

 

I asked this question as my MM is apparently going to leave. Believe it when I see it but he keeps talking about turning up at mine with all of his things. I don't know how to tell him that he should be alone for a while.

 

I'm hoping he will realise this himself but if not, how do I tell him I want to be with him but not "instantly"?

 

He also has children and I don't want them to blame me for their parents separation in the future

[Lady Hamilton]

Well, if he's leaving to be with you, one thing that probably should happen sooner rather than later is that you guys develop an exit strategy. Showing up with stuff in-hand and saying "Honey, I'm home!" is not the wisest of ideas. Especially if you're hoping to keep the affair a secret.

[imperfectangel]

Yes I don't particularly want people to know - more our families tbh esp as its a long term affair but I've yet to see any movement in any direction on this so I'm not holding my breath.

 

I just don't know how to tell him he can't move straight in with me. Maybe when/if we start to talk about it more I can tell him my concerns but I don't want him to take it to mean that I don't want to be with him