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Who has worst end of deal??


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PickledHead

My recent queries have come from a conversation with a friend who is a WW. as a single OW we have conflicting views of who has worst deal.

 

Obviously, before anyone says it, the BS does so that aside who has worst end of it.

 

This isn't by any means a woe is me specific query, more in general and I wondered what others opinions were....

 

Mine is the single affair partner!

 

During the affair we Watch the WS live and continue to build a life with someone else. The WS during the affair no doubt has struggles but also has the best of both worlds

 

After the affair we lose someone we love and watch the WS continue with their life as if nothing happened The WS loses a part of their life but keeps their preferred choice and can return to the marriage as though nothing happened (this is presuming no dday)

 

My WW friend believes it's the contrary... The WS has to deal with the emotions of during and after the in front of their spouse whilst maintaining a normal front... They have the covering up and stress to deal with and they have to think of the AP being single and free, able to move on at any moment!

 

Whilst I think the Single AP has the worst deal I also think we get the better side too!

 

Any differing opinions/views??

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Lost_in_emotion

I'm not sure who I think has it worse. I can see both sides. As the WW, depending on the situation, it may be nearly impossible to leave and to watch your single AP have freedom and able to do whatever they want would be very difficult. But I will say that even though I'm married I am separated. I felt like the AP that had to watch as my MM was home with his family on weekends, outings, etc. I think it might be pretty equal about who has it worse because at least the single AP can meet other people and walk away whenever they wanted as opposed to having to go through divorce, telling the kids, etc.

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loveisanaction

When it comes to affairs nobody wins; not the married man (woman), not the betrayed spouse, not the other woman (man). When it comes to affairs everybody loses.....even the children.

 

The aftermath of affairs cause so much pain, agony, misery and destruction for everybody i can't for the life of me understand why they're so rampant. The damage (internally and externally) they cause is just not worth it.

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PickledHead

Maybe it is the case it is equal measures then... I guess there is no way to fully understand the head of the other person so you will always think that you have the worst end of the deal!!

 

I agree it's madness why affairs are so common, I have struggled to think of any person I know that hasn't been directly affected by infidelity (WS or BS) at some point (although not always spouses, some are just relationships but I didn't know the acronym for that)

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Disillusioned_2011

I think it will be easier for the single AP, at least in the beginning. The pretending at home and pining for somebody else while playing happy family must be depressing, whereas the AP has all the freedom in the world while looking forward to and getting all excited and planning and prepping for the next "meeting". Without having to figure out an excuse. So I think while the high lasts, the AP will have an easier, more pleasant time enjoying those delightful, exciting emotions. Later, though, when deeper emotions develop, and the AP feels a deeper connection, wanting more, feelings of dependency can develop, while at the same time the high wears off, and the A dies - at that point, the MP has it easier, because there will be some distraction due to their every day lives. And they can come back home to their normal life, and give it their everything - which must be nice.... While the AP has it harder, being single and wondering what the hell happened.

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Grapesofwrath
When it comes to affairs nobody wins; not the married man (woman), not the betrayed spouse, not the other woman (man). When it comes to affairs everybody loses.....even the children.

 

The aftermath of affairs cause so much pain, agony, misery and destruction for everybody i can't for the life of me understand why they're so rampant. The damage (internally and externally) they cause is just not worth it.

 

I agree that it sucks all the way around. No winners here.

 

That said, I think at the end of the day that the single AP has it better. (if there has been a d-day, then that is a more complicated question.) We can (and should) walk away and live of a life of integrity. For us, the deception can end when the A ends. We learn from the experience, move on, and do better in the future. We can fall in love again. We can have great sex again. We can be our free and true selves again.

 

For the MM/W, there is a lie that has to be maintained forever. Some may say that this doesn't matter to the remorse-less MM/W and that may be true. But my opinion is that, on some level, it is a form of soul death to live without integrity. Whether it is conscious or subconscious. There is always that lingering worry that the A will be discovered, especially true for those who have cheated multiple times. There is the fakeness, the posturing, the image management to maintain. The requirement to stuff yourself back into a box and stay there. I think, long term, that's worse.

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Confused9999

I think it's hard in different angles.

 

From MM or MW they have to go back to relationship, assuming no Dday, and act "normal" but they lost a certain part of themselves. They also likely have a big craving for the passion, sex, thrill they had before and don't see how they can possibly get that with their partner that they have been with for years or decades. They become discontent even though before the affair they were likely fine with the same thing.

The good thing is they have a family to go back to and wife and kids they they probably still love a lot. They will have fun and vacations and activities etc...

 

For the OW or OM, assuming they were not married or in a relationship, they end the affair with freedom but with also nothing to show. The have no relationship to go to.. They have no one to spend time with and resume even a "normal" life. It probably will be even lonelier then it ever was before the affair.

The good thing is they can start fresh and without guilt... Maybe have that awesome sex or adventure or newness in a relationship.

Edited by Confused9999
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Speaking as a BS, I think that a single AP wouldn't have the guilt of cheating (assuming the WW has that guilt...some don't) and has the option to exit the relationship at any time with no more fallout than the pain of a normal breakup, doesn't run the risk of someone telling their spouse, etc. So I would assume that they have the better shake during the relationship.

 

 

Then again, they are also dealing with the self-esteem blow of feeling like they aren't good/attractive enough to find an available partner to be with, and the whole silvermedal/second best internal conflict.

 

 

I would guess though if taken on an individual relationship basis, who has it worse depends on who is more invested. Ie. the more invested you are in your partner the worse you have it. If you don't care then you probably don't have it bad. Which is why someone with no feelings of guilt or shame or self-awareness or understanding of social rules or remorse or... really any feelings whatsoever for people other that themselves tend not to have it worse.

 

 

But that's like a glass that had fallen off the table and shattered, so dropping the pieces over and over afterward aren't going to hurt something so broken it can't be repaired anyway.

 

 

Then again, who's the glass and who's doing the dropping? lol riddle me this batman! Can a glass drop itself?

Edited by NTV
grammer/spelling
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Lady Hamilton

Honestly I think the question is like asking "Which is worse, having your index finger sawed off or having your middle finger sawed off?"

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imperfectangel
I think it will be easier for the single AP, at least in the beginning. The pretending at home and pining for somebody else....

 

If they're pining away that much maybe he/she should rethink his/her situation and where they really want to be

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Then again, they are also dealing with the self-esteem blow of feeling like they aren't good/attractive enough to find an available partner to be with, and the whole silvermedal/second best internal conflict.

 

 

WTF??? :sick:

 

Nope, never had a drop of that when I was the OW. Had plenty of "available" partners on offer, too - including my fMM (now H) who made himself very available to be with me.

 

Speaking as a BS

 

Clearly.

 

OP, on the question of who has the worse end of the deal, I'd say it depends on the particular R. Some MM/MW treat their AP very badly, and in those cases it's likely to be the AP. Others - like my fMM - do the opposite: go to the ends of the earth for their AP, making sure that the AP knows all the time that they are no 1 in the MM's life, treating the AP far better than any random SG would. In those cases, the AP has the "better" deal than some random other WS somewhere else.

 

Ideally, in any R, both should be getting as good a deal as the other. If you feel you're getting a worse deal than your AP, or your SO, or who,ever you're in a R with - do what you can to restore the balance, or walk away.

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Lady Hamilton

Yeah, I didn't have any complex over not being to find anybody else either. I had a lot of options and finding a way to spend a Friday night was never an issue.

 

There was no silver medal syndrome for me either... Especially after the affair came out. Even his wife would have said (and frequently did) that the problem was that I was the priority and she wasn't.

 

It's pretty hard to make the argument that the OW/OM is the silver medal holder when the supposed gold medal holder is the one being cheated on.

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PickledHead

Whilst I think the Single AP gets the worse deal, I meant in general as opposed to myself although when it finally ends I will Definately feel like I have got it worst but I won't see MM to know how he has coped so il never know for sure.

 

I'm suprised by The comment about OW having low esteem as they are not able to attract an available partner!! I'm really not sure that's the case at all. OW aren't OW cause MM are easier to attract!!

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stilltrying16

If I understood the OP, the BS is not one of the options in this multiple-choice quiz. OP suggested we all admit at the outset that the BS gets the worst deal of all. I'll call that the gold medal of misery and trauma. The BS is the uncontested winner there.

 

So the question is between the WP and the OW/OM: who is worse off? I'd say it's the person who is not emotionally ready to walk away any given minute. It could be either the WS or the OW/OM- it's the person who has let the affair subsume him or her.

 

I guess I'd have the same answer for a marriage. The best off person, or at least the one with most power, is the one who needs the marriage the least- who has the emotional/financial wherewithal to walk the hell away and never look back.

Edited by stilltrying16
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I'm suprised by The comment about OW having low esteem as they are not able to attract an available partner!! I'm really not sure that's the case at all. OW aren't OW cause MM are easier to attract!!

 

I think the comment was made because most of us work on the assumption that a single woman ... wouldn't be with a MM and contribute to destroying his marriage if she had other options.

 

 

To choose a MM for a relationship when a woman has other options makes OW appear as a home wrecker without empathy. Maybe that's the case.. who knows.

 

Most women ... when you like a guy...... would first establish quesif he's actually single and available ....that's the determining factor before most take another step forward. That's where you have appropriate boundaries.

 

It just doesn't make sense to choose a complicated relationship... where your (the general your) actions could have a devastating effect on innocent children and their mother, by breaking up their family...just because the OW loves another woman's husband.... or maybe she doesn't't love him and is doing it because she can.

 

Why would you choose to be a hidden secret when you could hold your head up high and walk around unashamedly with a single available man.

 

For OW who were top priority during affairs and treated better than the BW this doesn't apply.

 

I also wanted to comment on the gold /silver medal thing. IMO a cheating spouse isn't a prize at all..... but the OW by and large is considered the silver medalist.. as she is the secondary relationship and when dday happens MM stays put.

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Lady Hamilton

Again, it's not an issue of availability, it's an issue of what you want. Because I can have anybody doesn't mean I want anybody. And I think in most of these relationships, appropriate boundaries were initially set up before being crossed for one reason or another. I don't think any of us as OW heard "married" and didnt pause and evaluate, even back off.

 

Just things happen where that boundary was breeched.

 

A lot of the reason this kind of goes in one ear and out the other for OW is because it's not really a true question, it's more like judgement wrapped up in a rhetorical question. There's no real understanding of an affair, what it is, or how they happen... Just the assumption that it must be some desperate woman who didn't get the memo about marriage.

 

This fundamental lack of understanding (paired with the persistent slant that this is more the OW's fault than the MM) just does more to make a person more vulnerable to an affair and/or less likely to recover their marriage after the affair if they're the BS.

 

 

i also wanted to comment on the gold /silver medal thing. IMO a cheating spouse isn't a prize at all..... but the OW by and large is considered the silver medalist.. as she is the secondary relationship and when dday happens MM stays put.

 

This is again where the eyes of the OW just kind of glaze over and they tune out.

 

A cheating spouse is no prize for the OW, or so they say, but he is for the BS? So often you hear she deserves better, head up walking down the street or whatever, don't be the dirty secret... But he is just perfect enough for the BS, apparently. He's scum, he's a liar, he's this, he's that... So send him back to his wife so they can work it out. :laugh::

 

Like the silver medal analogy. For the OW, he's no prize because he's a cheater and a liar, but for the BW who he stays with, she's the gold medalist and winner of the prize because she gets to keep they lying cheater after D-day? I don't see how she gets the upper hand on the scenario. She gets to try and build a relationship with a guy who disrespected and lied to her more than he ever lied to the OW, who isn't good enough for an OW.

 

That has always baffled me.

 

I've always thought that, from the moment the affair starts, it's the BS who is the silver medalist (if we must assign first and second place to these scenarios). The OW walks in and stays knowing the score, whereas the BS doesn't. Maybe after D-day she will, but she's still hardly the gold medal winner, even if he stays. She always gets to know that her WS actively decided to shelf them for somebody else because they wanted that person more.

 

Even if he stays or she keeps him, she's keeping a guy who actively lived a lifestyle and said that she was the obligation and he'd rather have somebody else over her and the OW will always be able to say "he was Ok with potentially losing you or forever ruining your marriage of years just to be with me. He wanted me part time more than he wanted you full time. Half a relationship with me is better than an entire relationship with you."

 

Yet for the OW, he's a lying loser and the BW he's her gold medal.

Edited by Lady Hamilton
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minimariah
That has always baffled me.

 

the silver medal analogy is, i believe, a form of coping... defence mechanism. and both BSs & OWs use very similar tactics & analogies when they're NOT the ones MMs "chose" - the easiest way to uplift ourselves is to put the others down & make them somehow less worthy.

 

both BSs and OWs are in same the "you can have him, honey!!!" phase when sh*t hits the fan and their respective relationships end.

 

She always gets to know that her WS actively decided to shelf them for somebody else because they wanted that person more.

 

this is true for those MMs who actually shelved their BSs for the OWs. but many didn't - their relationships & marriages are prioritized and the OWs are treated as occasional bootycalls. so - when you have a couple who has 20+ beautiful years together & extraordinary companionship... that affair WILL be looked at as a small mistake, lapse in judgement and not something that's worthy of a break up.

 

...and the OW will always be able to say "he was Ok with potentially losing you or forever ruining your marriage of years just to be with me. He wanted me part time more than he wanted you full time. Half a relationship with me is better than an entire relationship with you."

 

& BS will fire back with the same rhetoric - and with aaaaaaall that, he STILL doesn't want you.

 

two sides of the very same coin.

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Grapesofwrath

 

A lot of the reason this kind of goes in one ear and out the other for OW is because it's not really a true question, it's more like judgement wrapped up in a rhetorical question. There's no real understanding of an affair, what it is, or how they happen... Just the assumption that it must be some desperate woman who didn't get the memo about marriage.

 

This fundamental lack of understanding (paired with the persistent slant that this is more the OW's fault than the MM) just does more to make a person more vulnerable to an affair and/or less likely to recover their marriage after the affair if they're the BS.

 

This is again where the eyes of the OW just kind of glaze over and they tune out.

 

A cheating spouse is no prize for the OW, or so they say, but he is for the BS? So often you hear she deserves better, head up walking down the street or whatever, don't be the dirty secret... But he is just perfect enough for the BS, apparently. He's scum, he's a liar, he's this, he's that... So send him back to his wife so they can work it out. :laugh::

 

Like the silver medal analogy. For the OW, he's no prize because he's a cheater and a liar, but for the BW who he stays with, she's the gold medalist and winner of the prize because she gets to keep they lying cheater after D-day? I don't see how she gets the upper hand on the scenario. She gets to try and build a relationship with a guy who disrespected and lied to her more than he ever lied to the OW, who isn't good enough for an OW.

 

That has always baffled me.

 

I've always thought that, from the moment the affair starts, it's the BS who is the silver medalist (if we must assign first and second place to these scenarios). The OW walks in and stays knowing the score, whereas the BS doesn't. Maybe after D-day she will, but she's still hardly the gold medal winner, even if he stays. She always gets to know that her WS actively decided to shelf them for somebody else because they wanted that person more.

 

Even if he stays or she keeps him, she's keeping a guy who actively lived a lifestyle and said that she was the obligation and he'd rather have somebody else over her and the OW will always be able to say "he was Ok with potentially losing you or forever ruining your marriage of years just to be with me. He wanted me part time more than he wanted you full time. Half a relationship with me is better than an entire relationship with you."

 

Yet for the OW, he's a lying loser and the BW he's her gold medal.

 

Thank you, Lady, for turning the conventional wisdom on its head. You nailed the power dynamic in a way I could never articulate.

 

Drop the mic.

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minimariah
When it comes to affairs nobody wins; not the married man (woman), not the betrayed spouse, not the other woman (man). When it comes to affairs everybody loses.....even the children.

 

i agree with this -- there are no winners and losers. i believe the affair leaves its marks on everyone involved... no matter how the story ends. who gets the worts deal depends on, i think, how they decide to deal with their pain and situation. if the BS&MM try to reconcile and then spend 10 years together being absolutely miserable... well, it's safe to say they both got a lot worse deal than the single OW.

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Yeah I guess that wasn't the best analogy. And as I said originally am speaking only from my own limited understanding. probably a better way to phrase it is that if I were single there is no way I would allow myself to become involved in a relationship with a married woman unless I was going through some kind of emotional slump. I couldn't stand... kissing ... her after someone else and would have constant self doubts about my morality and social selfworth. I know I wouldn't feel like... idk... I guess when I had hypothetically put myself in those shoes that's the way I KNOW that I would feel. Second best until she left him for me.

 

I guess with the exception of if I were single and had the opportunity to be with one of my ww ap's bs. Then it would just be a revenge thing.l with a whole host of other emotions.

 

Maybe that's not the truth when it occurs and only what I think would happen. I hope I never know. I definitely see how I came across in wording like I had made the assumption that everyone felt like that which wasn't my intention... never was the best at describing my emotions so it would make sense that my caveman emotional verbs are further hindered by typing it out.

 

That being said I also think there's a big difference in what men and women look for in a relationship legitimate or otherwise.

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In my opinion only, IF there is no Dday, IF the BS has no knowledge, suspicion or worry about the marriage during the affair, she does NOT have the worst end of the deal.

 

Recent past (well, sort of recent past...2+ years) I was an OW. I've also been cheated on, but it was "only" by boyfriends.

 

To the best of my knowledge, the xMM still spent time, money, effort, energy with his wife and kids. They still had sex, irregularly - which is how it had been throughout the marriage.

 

Time spent with me was usually during the workday or when wife and kids had other plans. I do think there was one time when he had to leave a child activity 20-30 minutes early to pick me up before going out of town for a trip. I'd say he attended close to 90% of children's activity on a regular basis.

 

For my situation, I think he had it worse. I think he loves his wife and kids, but he is committed to a life that is incomplete. I'm not saying I was the woman to complete him, but as someone who is divorced and does not/will not have biological children, there's no way I'd want to stay in a marriage ever again where we are not compatible. If I needed someone for an emotional crutch (whether male or female) or I needed to get sexual satisfaction someplace else, that would be a miserable existence for me.

 

I know there's more to life and marriage than amazing sex, but when the sex is substandard, that leads to other problems. Lack of passion, lack of intimacy bleeds over into other areas. I did not cheat on my ExH, but the crappy sex was much of what made me miserable.

 

Oh - someone asked the off topic question as to why a single woman would choose this. In my case it was convenience. I was a workaholic, building a business. I wanted more than just a swingers experience or picking up one night stands. I wanted someone who would learn my body and provide great sex on a regular basis. But not want me to attend family functions, dates, weddings, do social activities that I didn't have time for and/or didn't want to do.

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lemondrop21

My vote is that during the A, the single OW/M has it worse because they don't have the distraction of home life. WS is cake eating and while they may have some kind of mental torment sometimes, ultimately they are exactly where they want to be, manipulating two people and enjoying the benefits of that.

 

Post-A, I would say the WS has it worse. As I told xMM a couple months ago: "I guess it must be worse for you because, while I can just move on and find a replacement, you either: have another affair; maybe find that passion with your wife, but maybe not; or (eventually) die." Or, I suppose, divorce his wife later down the line, but we all know that's not happening unless she's the one who walks away.

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Arieswoman

I'm looking at this from a different angle.

 

IMO the type of "deal" people experience depends on their psychological make-up.

 

Men, traditionally, are much better at rationalising, compartmentalising and dissociating sex from emotions. Ipso facto the percieved/experienced rewards are determined by gender not by the person's "status" in the affair.

 

So as I see it women are always suffer the most when things go t!ts up, as they eventually do :rolleyes:

 

I can think of one girl I used to know whose husband was actually married to someone else and was leading a double life. He was able to manage this deception for about 5 years because he was a long-distance lorry driver, and the other "wife" was living in another part of the country.

 

The girl I knew for the first wife, so the second marriage was bigamous. They guy did time for bigamy and she divorced him. They had kids together and he also had a young child with the OW.

 

So he got scored 10/10 for compartmentalision and 0/10 for integrity. :rolleyes:

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Mmmmmmm ......

So you go for the MM because that's what you want and damn the consequences right? Him being married isn't an issue because that's what YOU want. How very selfish.

 

A WH is no prize. ... but IMO he's probably better of with the OW ... who has similar morals to him. They really do deserve each other.

 

There are no winners... there's hurt all round and I do cringe when I hear comments from OW and BW alike..... comments that are nothing but a coping mechanism to each of them.

 

Like a BW saying her WH dumped the OW and stayed with her after a 15 year affair! I'd rather NOT be chosen and walk away. It's delusional to think he wasn't invested in the OW and that he probably didn't love either woman TBH. Who keeps someone they love a secret for 15 years.

 

Or the OW that believes she's so worth it as he still sees her after dday and continuesto risk his marriage ..... I had one OW say this meant he had CHOSEN her to be his fun and that's all that mattered. Yeah right.

 

Someone ALWAYS gets hurt and to not give a flying hoot because it's what YOU want, because this is the ONLY man for you and why let a little fact like him being married a problem... well that speaks volumes about your personality.

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ladydesigner
Again, it's not an issue of availability, it's an issue of what you want. Because I can have anybody doesn't mean I want anybody. And I think in most of these relationships, appropriate boundaries were initially set up before being crossed for one reason or another. I don't think any of us as OW heard "married" and didnt pause and evaluate, even back off.

 

Just things happen where that boundary was breeched.

 

A lot of the reason this kind of goes in one ear and out the other for OW is because it's not really a true question, it's more like judgement wrapped up in a rhetorical question. There's no real understanding of an affair, what it is, or how they happen... Just the assumption that it must be some desperate woman who didn't get the memo about marriage.

 

This fundamental lack of understanding (paired with the persistent slant that this is more the OW's fault than the MM) just does more to make a person more vulnerable to an affair and/or less likely to recover their marriage after the affair if they're the BS.

 

 

 

 

This is again where the eyes of the OW just kind of glaze over and they tune out.

 

A cheating spouse is no prize for the OW, or so they say, but he is for the BS? So often you hear she deserves better, head up walking down the street or whatever, don't be the dirty secret... But he is just perfect enough for the BS, apparently. He's scum, he's a liar, he's this, he's that... So send him back to his wife so they can work it out. :laugh::

 

Like the silver medal analogy. For the OW, he's no prize because he's a cheater and a liar, but for the BW who he stays with, she's the gold medalist and winner of the prize because she gets to keep they lying cheater after D-day? I don't see how she gets the upper hand on the scenario. She gets to try and build a relationship with a guy who disrespected and lied to her more than he ever lied to the OW, who isn't good enough for an OW.

 

That has always baffled me.

 

I've always thought that, from the moment the affair starts, it's the BS who is the silver medalist (if we must assign first and second place to these scenarios). The OW walks in and stays knowing the score, whereas the BS doesn't. Maybe after D-day she will, but she's still hardly the gold medal winner, even if he stays. She always gets to know that her WS actively decided to shelf them for somebody else because they wanted that person more.

 

Even if he stays or she keeps him, she's keeping a guy who actively lived a lifestyle and said that she was the obligation and he'd rather have somebody else over her and the OW will always be able to say "he was Ok with potentially losing you or forever ruining your marriage of years just to be with me. He wanted me part time more than he wanted you full time. Half a relationship with me is better than an entire relationship with you."

 

Yet for the OW, he's a lying loser and the BW he's her gold medal.

 

Why are we even comparing the two? Gold medalists and Silver medalists give me an effing break! No one wins! The WS is the biggest loser of all! Prize? sh*t I am the prize doesn't matter what anyone thinks!

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