Jump to content

Curious about MM/MW mindset


Recommended Posts

PickledHead

Something I am curious about and whilst I'm happy to hear any opinions I'm really looking to hear the thoughts from MM/MW that have been in LTA's

 

I am OW and, possibly naively, think I know MM. What I don't understand is how he can do what he is doing an still love W, which I truly believe he does.

 

I just can't seem to get my head around it and just wondering how the mindset works. Iv read on here about compartmentalising stuff and being selfish and I get that but it's being able to actually be involved in an affair when being in love with someone I just don't get.

 

i left my marriage a few years ago an it had been somewhat Rubbish for many years before that so maybe I have forgotten what it felt like to be at the in love but bored stage. Maybe it's the age old love them but not in love thing having an impact but Iv known people who claim to be in love still have affairs so I just don't know.

 

No real reason for my question, I'm just sat here pondering and thought I would see if anyone can shed any light

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
imperfectangel

I am a OW - long term and I completely get what you're saying. I'm gradually trying to end it as this is a major flaw I've spotted in MM. I recently saw his w's fb page for the first time and honestly no one would guess what he's been up to for the last 10+ years. He got mad when I called him fake but that's exactly what he is.

 

I guess some people are just cake eaters. I'd like to think that there's some deep seated reason why but I don't think there is. They're just selfish

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
PickledHead

That's where my confusion comes in. I appreciate the selfishness but I just don't get it... When I have been in love then I physically could not have brought myself to be physical with anyone else let alone engage in a full on double life.

 

I have seen it too many times to know it happens but it's just a tricky one to understand

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Girlfromcali

I truly believe my MM could easily love two women simultaneously with no problem, and if the society (and the women)had no problem with it, he would gladly have two (or more) wives.

He switches to another person when he is with me. I am now his wife (he has even called me his wife when in public), and he treats me like he treats his wife.

I know all this about him, but it is extremely hard for the OW truly understand this because she is not the "fly on the wall" where she actually sees the MM with his family or with his W. Of course I don't see it either, but I have a pretty good idea.

 

I would love some MM's perspective on this that was honest and self reflective.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
ladydesigner
Something I am curious about and whilst I'm happy to hear any opinions I'm really looking to hear the thoughts from MM/MW that have been in LTA's

 

I am OW and, possibly naively, think I know MM. What I don't understand is how he can do what he is doing an still love W, which I truly believe he does.

 

I just can't seem to get my head around it and just wondering how the mindset works. Iv read on here about compartmentalising stuff and being selfish and I get that but it's being able to actually be involved in an affair when being in love with someone I just don't get.

 

i left my marriage a few years ago an it had been somewhat Rubbish for many years before that so maybe I have forgotten what it felt like to be at the in love but bored stage. Maybe it's the age old love them but not in love thing having an impact but Iv known people who claim to be in love still have affairs so I just don't know.

 

No real reason for my question, I'm just sat here pondering and thought I would see if anyone can shed any light

 

Well you said it yourself, it really all boils down to being selfish. They want both the BS and their AP. That would be called your typical cake-eater. Nothing attractive about that. Many MW/MM are conflict avoidant as well, either addressing the problems in the M by having an A or having a good time because it is different than their BS.

 

I don't believe that MM/MW actually love their BS or their AP during an A. They tend to love themselves the most which is why they are doing as they please even though it hurts both the AP and the BS.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton

There are a lot of ways it could happen. Just how we love our parents, children, and significant other, but love them differently, that's pretty much how one can love both their wife and AP. The different aspects of a person draws out different types of love. Sentimental love, romantic love, friendship love, sexual love...

 

In my husband's case, the love for me he had was very different than the love he had for his now ex-wife. That love was based out of obligation and guilt, religion, and fear. Very different than the love I got as his AP.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
PickledHead

I get the different types of love an I think that plays a part in why I find it so curious

 

Regardless of the type of love - if you love someone surely you would do anything to protect and not hurt that person. It's that angle I struggle with, I don't doubt the love is there (in whatever respect) so it makes is difficult to grasp

 

Another wonder of the world perhaps

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

After pondering that very question for many years, I came to the conclusion that MM doesn't love either one.

 

He cannot be capable of love and loyalty to his wife when he uses her trusts to betray her and break the vows her made when they married.

 

He cannot truly love the AP when he uses her for whatever he needs. I don't believe it is always about sex.

 

I believe he is a toxic user of people and calculates his behaviour with each woman.

 

My ponderings were enlightened a great deal after a read about love bombing recently. It all became very clear.

 

Poppy.

  • Like 12
Link to post
Share on other sites
After pondering that very question for many years, I came to the conclusion that MM doesn't love either one.

 

He cannot be capable of love and loyalty to his wife when he uses her trusts to betray her and break the vows her made when they married.

 

He cannot truly love the AP when he uses her for whatever he needs. I don't believe it is always about sex.

 

I believe he is a toxic user of people and calculates his behaviour with each woman.

 

My ponderings were enlightened a great deal after a read about love bombing recently. It all became very clear.

 

Poppy.

 

 

I hope I can explain my thoughts on affairs here... I have heard it spoken of as the married person is not so much out of love with their spouse, or in love with the affair partner, more that it is a case of them being tired of themselves, and are trying on a new persona, so to speak.

 

That they are bored, or restless or dissatisfied with THEMSELVES (not others) and just seeing how another hat fits. Bit like acting in a movie to see if they like being that new character.

 

It is still all about THEM, though.

 

Hope this makes sense.

  • Like 12
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a MW. I believe some people are capable of loving more than one person (male or female) at once. My love with my husband is the "we have been through a lot together and we are close friends". I feel a "passionate chemistry" love with OM. I'm at the point that I just don't analyze it anymore as it confuses and stresses me.

 

 

I truly believe my MM could easily love two women simultaneously with no problem, and if the society (and the women)had no problem with it, he would gladly have two (or more) wives.

He switches to another person when he is with me. I am now his wife (he has even called me his wife when in public), and he treats me like he treats his wife.

I know all this about him, but it is extremely hard for the OW truly understand this because she is not the "fly on the wall" where she actually sees the MM with his family or with his W. Of course I don't see it either, but I have a pretty good idea.

 

I would love some MM's perspective on this that was honest and self reflective.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Nomoretears

I am a MW and I do believe it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. but it doesn't change that if the op isn't on the same page then it will go nowhere. someone will have to decided if what they share is enough or even all they are willing to have.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
RecentChange

That they are bored, or restless or dissatisfied with THEMSELVES (not others) and just seeing how another hat fits. Bit like acting in a movie to see if they like being that new character.

 

It is still all about THEM, though.

 

I agree with this in my case - now, there were issues in my relationship as well which "opened the door" to something I had never before considered, but in the end it came down to ME, and my boredom, my questioning of myself, what I wanted, where I was going, WHO I was etc.

 

it's being able to actually be involved in an affair when being in love with someone I just don't get.....I physically could not have brought myself to be physical with anyone else.

 

Well, each case is different - but for me, as a "MW" - I never for a moment doubted I loved the one I cheated on. I knew I loved him, just wasn't sure what I wanted any more.

 

And again, for ME, I don't need to be emotionally involved with someone to enjoy being physically involved with them. Before we took the plunge, I made it very clear to the OM that emotions had to stay out of it - he was to be a FWB and nothing more.

 

I am kinda with you, in that I couldn't imagine professing love to two separate people, and living a total double life - but it was easy to love someone, and become physical with someone else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
minimariah
That love was based out of obligation and guilt, religion, and fear.

 

that's not love though. not by my definition, at least.

 

i find it interesting... i think it's a matter of culture, too - when i first came here (& this site is used mostly by Canadians, Americans & UK)... i was surprised at the number of people cheating and claiming they love their spouses. OR leaving and divorcing and STILL claiming they love their spouses. then i realized that, for some reason, they identify a basic care for another human being as love.

 

we all know what kind of LOVE should be between two partners in a romantic relationship. if that's not there - why do folks have the need to point out that there is STILL some kind of love present for their partners...? love that is, for the romantic relationship, completely irrelevant without the romantic love.

 

OP - just because he says he loves his wife, doesn't mean he actually does love her. maybe he doesn't know what love is or even better - what love isn't. maybe he's dodging responsibility. maybe he's BSing you to get you off his back. maybe he really does love his wife, maybe he's polyamorous. cheating doesn't necessarily mean that love is gone - it can be a poor coping mechanism, a form of a wake up call for both partners.

 

i think you're wasting time trying to figure him out although i assume it's impossible to NOT think about it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
minimariah
I am a MW and I do believe it is possible to love more than one person at the same time.

 

sure we can - but can we be IN love with more than one person at the same time? can we ROMANTICALLY love more than one person at the same time? and can we love them EQUALLY?

 

love we have for our friends, family, children... isn't comparable to romantic love. there is a very clear definition for each one of those loves - for example, there is no room for familial love in a romantic relationship. just like there is no room for romantic love in a friendship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton
that's not love though. not by my definition, at least.

 

Not by mine either. Or his, since he did ultimately left and got a divorce.

 

Like the other poster, I don't think one loves their spouse if they are cheating on them.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Southern Sun

I am a fMW, had an affair with an MM.

 

It's very hard to be objective about it, but I believe that I loved my husband leading up to the affair. I think we had attained a sort-of auto-pilot in our lives and had neglected some aspects of our relationship, and rug-swept some bigger long-standing issues, which opened the door for MM.

 

MM was a wildly different personality than my BH and just swooped in. It's a long story, but I was vulnerable to him for multiple reasons - I knew him for many years, he was my direct boss, I admired and respected him, we worked in VERY close proximity. It was a hot mess. But with a LOT of persuasion from him, I allowed things to evolve.

 

I specifically remember noting that, as I fell for MM, I lost the love for my BH. I could not hold love for both of them at the same time. Yes, I still cared deeply for my BH. I didn't want to hurt him (ironically), but I didn't "love" him in the romantic sense. As I grew more in love with MM, all the love for BH was drained out of me. It's like it was a finite resource.

 

Maybe I always saw that MM wasn't completely authentic. I think there was always something speaking from my gut. But those feelings drug me along for a good while. Thank God I see the light now.

 

Maybe men are different, but I don't really think so. How can you legitimately be in love with two different people? MM isn't a good example because he told me he didn't love his wife like that and hadn't for years. And for once, I think he was telling me the truth.

 

Poppy probably has it right. "Professional" cheaters probably don't really love anyone. I don't consider myself a professional cheater. I think I got taken for a ride, but my feelings actually happened...unfortunately.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
heartwhole

I think the first question is how we are defining "in love." I do believe that "falling in love" involves a chemical cocktail in our brains, that we get dopamine hits. But I also believe that this fades and gives way to a lasting bond. Saying "I'm not in love with my spouse anymore" really says, to me, that you just don't believe your union is fulfilling anymore and that you'd like to move on. I don't think you want to move on because some in love/out of love switch has been flipped. Obviously we don't feel the same way after 50 years as we do after 50 hours in a loving relationship.

 

Shirley Glass found in her research that the majority of men having affairs report they are happy in their marriages. Women, on the other hand, are much more likely to have affairs because they are unhappy in their marriages.

 

As for the compartmentalization, I think the question is really, how could an emotionally healthy and honest person be doing this to both the BW and OW? I would seriously question if those adjectives can describe a person engaging in an affair. How can he do that to the wife while he claims to love her? By the same token, how can he do that to the OW while he claims to love her? "Love" gets thrown around a lot in these questions, but to me, it's an action, not a feeling. Falling in love is a primal, animal process that takes place to attract mates. Love itself is the nurturing and blossoming of the result of that union. Who cares what the MM or MW is feeling, frankly. Falling in love is fun, obviously. Sign me up for the dopamine hit. But it's not to be confused with a deeply-rooted affection and regard that lasts a lifetime. And often, our choices affect our feelings, not the other way around. That's why healthy and honest people avoid making the choice to open themselves up to all the feelz of forbidden love. Any of us has the capacity to fall in love with numerous people. The question is, why would we let ourselves?

  • Like 11
Link to post
Share on other sites
There are a lot of ways it could happen. Just how we love our parents, children, and significant other, but love them differently, that's pretty much how one can love both their wife and AP. The different aspects of a person draws out different types of love. Sentimental love, romantic love, friendship love, sexual love...

 

In my husband's case, the love for me he had was very different than the love he had for his now ex-wife. That love was based out of obligation and guilt, religion, and fear. Very different than the love I got as his AP.

 

I actually think it comes down to romantic love and familial love. I think lots of MM love their wives but have come to regard her as a family member rather than a romantic partner. The love many have for their OW is sometimes largely based on infatuation and lust. I think the reason many will never leave their wives for the OW is because while the love they feel for the OW is exciting and intoxicating, they know that in the real world that madly in love phase would never last and they don't want to give up the longstanding bond they have with their wife and their family for something that may not last once the infatuation and lust dies down.

  • Like 11
Link to post
Share on other sites
Confused9999

I am a MM and was in love with my W and my AP.

It started as pure sex with AP but over time I started to really love her! The love was intense. I was actually surprised how intense.

 

But as you wrote.. My love for my W was still there but not the hot passionate love but the family love.

 

The risk of course is you realize that the love you have for your W is not the hot passionate love, which of course is not sustainable, but still very enticing and keeps the A going strong.

Edited by Confused9999
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
PickledHead

I know the love changes and their are different types of love but surely that makes it even all the more harder to understand

 

We love our children and family in a certain way but part of that feeling is that you would never hurt them intentionally

 

How can someone (confused you may be able to answer this) love their spouse yet embark in an affair? The ultimate betrayal... The one thing guaranteed to hurt this person they love to the core?

 

Im not trying to work out my MM mindset specifically, it's just watching how he managed to keep this going whilst still being in love made me wonder.

 

Not with regards to affairs, it's just made me question the concept of love altogether I think.

 

Just wanted to add it may sound like I am criticising MM/MW and that is far from the case - this is really just a curiosity and as an OW I am in no position to critisise anyone! My own mindset could well be questioned too

Link to post
Share on other sites
Girlfromcali
I actually think it comes down to romantic love and familial love. I think lots of MM love their wives but have come to regard her as a family member rather than a romantic partner. The love many have for their OW is sometimes largely based on infatuation and lust. I think the reason many will never leave their wives for the OW is because while the love they feel for the OW is exciting and intoxicating, they know that in the real world that madly in love phase would never last and they don't want to give up the longstanding bond they have with their wife and their family for something that may not last once the infatuation and lust dies down.

 

I think you pretty much nailed it. My MM couldn't have the same passion for his W, and probably didn't even have it in the beginning because they've known each other since children. However, it doesn't mean he doesn't love her. He probably loves her more than anything because they've been through everything together.

 

I remember in the beginning (when I was clueless about everything and very confused) I said something like "you love [Her name]". I was very confused because I couldn't understand him coming onto me so aggressively if he loves her. (Of course I understand the dynamic now after reading the stories here, but I didn't understand it then). If I had understood it, I might have been able to resist the A.

 

He said, also pretty confused, "of course I love [her name]". He was surprised that I would even say that because it was so obvious that of course he loves her. I mean who would question his love for one of his family members? That would be absurd.

Edited by Girlfromcali
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
imperfectangel

I remember my MM asking me if I thought it was possible to love two people at the same time so clearly it was a idea that he himself was struggling with (awwww ?) I told him no and shot him down.

 

I think the way they tree you will tell you how they feel. He may say ILY at the right time but if you aren't being treated as if he loves you then he probably doesn't which is why I don't think he TRULY loves his wife in the same sense that I would love my future husband since he is sleeping with someone else behind her back. That is not love

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
hestheone66

I have felt romantically in love with 2 people. I liken it to a type of sexuality..not everyone is inherently monogamous. In the same way you could argue that if his wife really loved him she would consent to him loving others.

Love is not rational.. It is. It makes people do weird but intoxicating things.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
ConfusedCloud

I honestly think its even more difficult to understand the OW's mindset because how can you love a man knowing he goes home to his wife every single night? Now THAT is something I can't wrap my head around.

 

 

For a man to have two women - what needs to be explained? Those types of men have no mind (conscience) to have anything wrapped around.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

There is stacks of literature - popular, psychological, biological and artistic on this if you search. There is a free pdf you can download of 'being loved - and loving' by Francesco Alberoni. Alain de Boton, the popular philosopher has just written a novel 'The course of Love' which deals with this and explains it easily and clearly - it's an easy and entertaining read.

 

There is a difference between being loved (immature) and loving (mature). Affairs fall into the first category. I have decided (in my wisdom!). That this is why affair partners often behave and write to each other like children.

 

Romantic love has been prioritised over recent times and is reunited to bear a burden it cannot sustain and with which the institution of marriage (which is society's way of building a working milieu for economic, domestic and familial security) struggles.

 

The prioritising of romantic love is why, to a large extent, we are now serial monogamists.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...