Getting passion back for BH

[Can't let go]

I typed the long version and lost it all somehow, so here's the "shortER" version. I've been married over 20 years and have been having an affair with a MM for a little over 10 months We both have kids. My husband was my first sexual partner. I was not his. He cheated on me, even though he never fully admitted everything. But we went to counseling. He cut ties with her immediately. A few years ago, he then had an inappropriate texting relationship which I found out about. I left him for awhile but he ceased contact with her completely upon me finding out. Since then, he has been nicer to me than ever before. For the past 3 years or so.

 

I work in the same field as the MM and we see each other about every 6 weeks at statewide conferences. We have texted every single day since we met. (We have never met each other's spouses.) We even tell each other that we love the other. He is not happy at all in his marriage. He tells me this, yes, but I have also had others tell me. Who have no reason to lie. No one knows about our A. We have just recently decided that we need to take a step back. No more I love you'd and no more constant contact. We're having NC for at least a week and see where things stand. We were together recently and things were wonderful. He got a text from his wife that made us think she was suspicious. And he became nervous. I had already been feeling guilty about staying another night together so I left and came home. He actually wants the NC more than me I think.

 

I am struggling. Constantly crying when my family isn't around and I've barely eaten. I am happier with him. Even with all the messiness of an affair. But I know I need to stop. Ironically, my sex with my husband improved when I started the affair because I had more self confidence. The really sad part is, I think my husband trusts me almost completely. The MM and I are very educated people and we both know because of hubs, kids and the 3 hour distance that we really be together. But I am eternally optimistic and always think we could find away. But in reality I really don't think I could do that to my kids. Or my husband. My M is not bad. Most people think we r the perfect couple. although I'm completely to blame for my choices, I wouldn't have never done this if my self esteem wouldn't have been crushed by his infidelities.

 

How do I let go of this MM when I don't want to but know I should? I've read all the articles about focusing on your kids. And I do a lot with my kids, but I feel like this is totally distracting me. And for reasons I can't get into, I can't quit my job. I will still have to see him a handful of times a year and we will be staying over night at a hotel with everyone else in our field. I desperately help on coping and getting through this. Not just advice on how it is breaking up my family and how wrong it is. I know that and I'm still struggling to move on. I'm afraid I won't be able to resist him the next time I see him.

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[renaissancewoman]

If you can't trust yourself to have the self-control when you see him for work-related things, then you absolutely have to find another job. I know you said you can't quit your job, but maybe you can find another company to work for or CHOOSE a different way so that you won't be having overnight trips where he will be. You do actually have a choice. If you really love your husband so much as you say, you would do everything possible to avoid this man and not use your job as a crutch to maintain LC.

 

I'm sorry for your husband's infidelities, but this affair is all on you. Please don't rationalize it by saying your husband did what he did. You CHOSE to cheat.

[len51]

Cheating to get back at your husband was not a good idea and only can make things worse. But it is what it is. I had my fiancee of 6 years cheat on me and then the rebound girlfriend after her. I gave up on monogamy. Seemed that most of my friends and siblings were cheating as well as my co-workers. Every boss I ever had, male and female, cheated while we were on business trips together.

 

I am convinced that we are not made to be monogamous. Physically men can impregnate several women ever day. Women can have sex with several men to find the one with the best genes. In fact, having children with others rather than the same person, is better for the human gene pool.

 

No matter how you think, attraction to others, feelings and love for others, are purely chemical reactions in our brains over which we have no control. We cannot think ourselves into loving someone nor think ourselves out of love. We can not think attraction to another person away. The structure of marriage that we have is from ancient times and was a way to bring order to society. A lot of the reasons for monogamy no longer exist. With DNA testing, men no longer have to worry about wasting their limited time and resources raising a child that does not carry his genes. Women no longer need to keep a man faithful so that he will stay with only her to provide for her and offer protection. Wives are no longer considered as property although a lot of guys still think that way.

 

After seeing monogamy fail all around me, I decided to remove it as a source of conflict in marriage. Cheating is cheating only if some rules are broken. We removed the rule about sexual fidelity. We tried something I call monogamish. We love each other deeply. We fall in love at first sight. I mean it. We were engaged 3 weeks after we met and have been married over 40 happy years.

 

For us, sex with others was never a deal breaker. We had sex with others as a couple and as individuals.We did not want an open marriage since it was too risky. We saw that fail for all our friends that tried it. We did not want to take unnecessary risks in our marriage so sex with others was OK as long as it was the exception and not the rule.

 

Despite or perhaps because of the sexual freedom we allowed, our combined total of outside sex partners, was a single digit. That is less than some of my friends had in a year. I was overseas 4 months out of every year for a few year period. I could have sex with anyone I wanted to and my wife would never know and would not want to know. She says that what the eyes do not see, the heart does not feel. There is a lot of truth in that. Yet, I never had sex with another women when I was away on business. Just knowing that I could seem to eliminate the desire to do so. It no longer had the excitement of doing the taboo. No excitement from the risk.

 

My wife and I agree that if we were monogamous, we would have divorced a long time ago. My wife knew of my reputation years before we met and knew that I was not a strictly monogamous person. In fact, I was voted most likely to divorce first in my senior year of High School due to this fact. My wife was a virgin and I knew that she would someday want to know how sex felt with others and I wanted her to experience different people too. So we married and started out with a wife swap with our best friends. My wife hated it. She told me that I was man enough for her and she never wanted to have sex with another man again. She still feels this way even though I encourage her to do so. She never questioned me if I called to say I would not be home that night but I knew she knew what I was doing.

 

My wife did something that changed our lives for the good. She learned that she is sexually attracted to woman but felt it was too dangerous for her to date women without me. She also wanted to take care of my need for the occasional girlfriend. She asked her best friend to have sex with me knowing that she had a major crush on me since I was 13. She readily agreed to it after making sure my wife was really OK with it. My wife had ulterior motives that we were not aware of. She soon made them know when she joined us in bed when her girlfriend and I were done. From that point on we both fell in love with her girlfriend and asked her to move in with us. For the next 30 years, we shared her girlfriend. She lived with us for 7 years until she got married to a man who was also not into monogamy. After that she split her time between us and her husband. We socialize with her husband. We are both professional people and never had a problem with our arrangement.

 

So there it is. I had the love of two women and my wife had the love of a m an and a woman. No one ever got jealous and we never even had an argument with our girlfriend. She fit into our marriage so well that it is as if she was made for us. My wife was content to have just me and her girlfriend in her life. I occasionally had sex with women I met at work a week or two before I was relocating out of State. I had my fun, good ego boost and then moved far away where I would never see the woman again. Low risk sex.

 

Along the way we learned that you can have a great marriage without being monogamous. Like a family, you can love more than one person without taking love away from the other family members. You can hold your marriage and spouse above all else. We made marriage fit us and did not try to live by rules made up by others. We have had a lot of fun and a lot of love in our 40+ years of marriage. We got to experience all kinds of sexual thrills and never had to worry about our emotions causing us to make bad decisions.

 

Now you need to make some decisions of your own. Is monogamy so important that you will sacrifice the life you and her husband made for each other? Perhaps instead of both of you cheating, you agree that you can see others but have rules like no friends or co-workers, no spending the night, letting your spouse know where you are so he or she knows you are safe, no discussing what you did or discussing what you did and most of all, ending a relationship at the onset of developing feelings.

 

Trying to be monogamous at this point is doomed to fail. Our past actions are a very good indicator of our future behavior. We can only try to alter our behavior for so long before we revert. Think how it will be to live with each other knowing what you each did. There will be mistrust and anxiety whenever something does not seem right. Regaining trust takes a very long time and the fact that your spouse cheated will come up in future arguments.

 

Society and religion give us only one moral path. If you want to have sex with someone other than your spouse you must first destroy the life you built with your spouse, fight over alimony, child support and division of property. Only when you have done all this and your divorce is final and you are both poorer for it, can you morally have sex with someone else. When you look at it like this it seems crazy and yet most of the world prefers serial monogamy over a non monogamous marriage. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

[whichwayisup]

You probably won't like my answer but here it goes.

 

You found out about your H's affair, fixed your marriage, went to counseling and know what it's like to be betrayed and feel hurt. Own your affair, come clean to your husband and lay it all out on the line. Lying and hiding things isn't going to get any easier and fact is, his wife IS suspicious and chances are very high it's only a matter of time before she finds out everything and contacts YOUR husband. Better for him to hear the truth from you rather than MM's wife.

[Sassy Girl]

I find it interesting to say that you and your self esteem were crushed by your husbands affairs.... How do you think your behaviour will impact MMs wife, given she is already suspicious?

 

I find it sad that you already know that pain and would willingly inflict it on another innocent woman who doesn't deserve it.

[ShatteredLady]

If you picture your H discovering your affair how do you see it going? How would you feel? Obviously there's the guilt & pain but deep, deep down inside is there part of you thinking "Now you know what it feels like!!"?

 

I'm not saying that's it's a revenge affair. Life if far more complicated sometimes. I'm just suggesting that although you're 'reconciled' do you believe that it's ever truly possible to recover from the utter devastation of having your heart ripped out by the one person in the world whose supposed to love, cherish & protect your heart?

 

I confess I could be projecting my own feelings!

 

Yes, you connected, you got swept-up in the affair...How did you feel when your H gave you that reasoning?

 

You know that you're playing with fire. If his W found evidence of the truth & threw him out tonight is there ANY possibility that you would divorce your H & go for it?

 

If you're completely & utterly honest with yourself do you think you'll now grow old & die in your marriage? Is that what you really want?

 

I just think that once you've been betrayed things will never be the same. Some say that your marriage can be even better after an affair. Maybe for some?!? I know that a precious part of me died on d-day & I don't believe ANYTHING can give me back my innocence. My love story was flipped into a tragedy & I don't think I will ever completely forgive the love of my life for changing me & my perception of....pretty much everything & everyone except a beloved few.

 

You have some HUGE questions to ask yourself & how you get out of this affair & "MOVE ON" is the least of it. Part of me thinks its unconscionable to be a bs who inflicts the same torture on others....part of me desperately NEEDS my H to really 'get-it'....part of me wants him to hurt & consequences be damned!!

 

I hate that part of myself. I hate that I allowed this to be done to me. I hate that my children are in the middle of this!! I never used to hate. I'm not who I was & I'm not sure who I am now & I wonder if part of you feels the same way.

[13Hearts]

I think you need to decide for yourself who you are, what standards and values you personally believe in, and who you really want to be. You need to ask yourself if you are happy with the way you are behaving. Is having this affair in line with your own self-image? Is the amount of control you have over your own self in this situation really the best you? Have you placed yourself in a compromising position?

 

For me, in my affair with xMM, it was a question of what I wanted in a relationship and a matter of my own integrity. Because integrity is important to me. I need to live my life with integrity. And participating in an affair is not living with integrity.

 

You have to decide what is important to you, and then live according to those standards you set for yourself. When you live in opposition to your own values, you harm your self, you degrade your self-image, and you hurt your self-esteem. What will you place first in your life? Your self, and self-preservation? Or this man's desires?

[Poppy47]

Well said Hearts.

 

It is all too easy to let go of integrity in favour of something else.

 

Ulltimately, it is harmful and futile.

 

Poppy.

[Can't let go]

If you can't trust yourself to have the self-control when you see him for work-related things, then you absolutely have to find another job. I know you said you can't quit your job, but maybe you can find another company to work for or CHOOSE a different way so that you won't be having overnight trips where he will be. You do actually have a choice. If you really love your husband so much as you say, you would do everything possible to avoid this man and not use your job as a crutch to maintain LC.

 

I'm sorry for your husband's infidelities, but this affair is all on you. Please don't rationalize it by saying your husband did what he did. You CHOSE to cheat.

 

 

I don't blame my H for my A. I know this was my choice and I made the wrong one. My real point in saying that was to try to illustrate how his A changed me. I'll admit that knowing my H had an affair added to absence of guilt when I first started my A. Not rightfully so, but it's hard to control how we feel. My H was the only person I had ever had sex with and I'm in my early 40's. I know I've now ruined a very sacred part of me. If I could turn back time, I x5NZi34Qok'd have let myself get into this position.

If I do get over my AP before I see him next, I'm confident that I won't fall back in. I just feel very vulnerable to do that right now. But I don't want to at all. I'm just being honest with how I feel. I really need to work on coping mechanisms to get past him sooner rather than later. And I need some advice on this. It will be at least 6 weeks before I even see him again and I want to make sure I'm strong enough emotionally to stay away. I know he feels the same way so hopefully between the both of us, we can ward anything off.

[Can't let go]

I think you need to decide for yourself who you are, what standards and values you personally believe in, and who you really want to be. You need to ask yourself if you are happy with the way you are behaving. Is having this affair in line with your own self-image? Is the amount of control you have over your own self in this situation really the best you? Have you placed yourself in a compromising position?

 

For me, in my affair with xMM, it was a question of what I wanted in a relationship and a matter of my own integrity. Because integrity is important to me. I need to live my life with integrity. And participating in an affair is not living with integrity.

 

You have to decide what is important to you, and then live according to those standards you set for yourself. When you live in opposition to your own values, you harm your self, you degrade your self-image, and you hurt your self-esteem. What will you place first in your life? Your self, and self-preservation? Or this man's desires?

 

 

I am not at all happy with the way I am behaving. I did become a different person when my H cheated on me. And although we went through counseling, there is still a part of me that is still very broken. When my A started I was away for a week with my job. My H and I had been fighting before I left because I was suspicious that he was cheating again. And the limited time we talked that week, it was out of necessity for the kids. I don't think that trust ever fully comes back. However, I do now know how easy it is to get into an A and how hard it is to get out.

I really need help getting over my AP. It happened... I can't change what I did and the fact that I developed feelings that can't just be turned off because I want them to be. I just want any advice from anyone on how I can move on and help get over the feelings I have for my AP.

I know what I did was wrong, I am focused on my family, I regret my decisions. But I can't change my feelings I can only work to get past them and become a stronger person.

[Can't let go]

If you picture your H discovering your affair how do you see it going? How would you feel? Obviously there's the guilt & pain but deep, deep down inside is there part of you thinking "Now you know what it feels like!!"?

 

I'm not saying that's it's a revenge affair. Life if far more complicated sometimes. I'm just suggesting that although you're 'reconciled' do you believe that it's ever truly possible to recover from the utter devastation of having your heart ripped out by the one person in the world whose supposed to love, cherish & protect your heart?

 

I confess I could be projecting my own feelings!

 

Yes, you connected, you got swept-up in the affair...How did you feel when your H gave you that reasoning?

 

You know that you're playing with fire. If his W found evidence of the truth & threw him out tonight is there ANY possibility that you would divorce your H & go for it?

 

If you're completely & utterly honest with yourself do you think you'll now grow old & die in your marriage? Is that what you really want?

 

I just think that once you've been betrayed things will never be the same. Some say that your marriage can be even better after an affair. Maybe for some?!? I know that a precious part of me died on d-day & I don't believe ANYTHING can give me back my innocence. My love story was flipped into a tragedy & I don't think I will ever completely forgive the love of my life for changing me & my perception of....pretty much everything & everyone except a beloved few.

 

You have some HUGE questions to ask yourself & how you get out of this affair & "MOVE ON" is the least of it. Part of me thinks its unconscionable to be a bs who inflicts the same torture on others....part of me desperately NEEDS my H to really 'get-it'....part of me wants him to hurt & consequences be damned!!

 

I hate that part of myself. I hate that I allowed this to be done to me. I hate that my children are in the middle of this!! I never used to hate. I'm not who I was & I'm not sure who I am now & I wonder if part of you feels the same way.

 

Thank you for your response. You are right, part of me does feel exactly like what you are saying. Finding out about my H's A really warped my way of thinking. I hate myself for that. It's not how I've lived my life and it's not who I am. Yet, here I am.

All I can hope for now is that I can get past what I've done and work on making my marriage stronger. That first step for me is disconnecting from my A. I already know I want to strengthen my marriage. In all honesty, when I started my A, I felt like I could've walked away from my marriage. Things weren't good at home and I got swept up in the A. In all reality, my AP and I really couldn't ever be together even if we were both single. We both are too invested familialy and financially in our communities. And we live at least 150 miles apart.

[Can't let go]

You probably won't like my answer but here it goes.

 

You found out about your H's affair, fixed your marriage, went to counseling and know what it's like to be betrayed and feel hurt. Own your affair, come clean to your husband and lay it all out on the line. Lying and hiding things isn't going to get any easier and fact is, his wife IS suspicious and chances are very high it's only a matter of time before she finds out everything and contacts YOUR husband. Better for him to hear the truth from you rather than MM's wife.

 

I have thought many times about coming clean. I've talked to our Christian marriage counselor about this. He is a PhD and is very well renowned. He's even written a book on marriages. He's the closet thing I have right now to a marriage expert. He meets with H and I together and separately. He actually advised against me telling my H. He usually advises the other way, but in our situation, he thought it would do more harm than good.

 

I really think my BH would not only be devastated, he would also confront my AP in a very angry manner. And possibly get himself thrown in jail, which would damage all of our families and careers, even more than the emotional part of the A would damage it.

 

If my AP and I cut ties completely, there is less of a chance that his BW will find out. I know that's not a guarantee but it's the best I can do. She is a naturally suspicious person and was way before I even met him.

I really don't think my AP will come clean to his wife. They really don't like each other. He stays for the kids. And I think for the fact that he has a lot of family land and he doesn't want to give that up. I know... Everyone tells you some of this in A. However, this information originally came from others before this was even in the realm of happening between him and I.

Edited April 30, 2016 by Can't let go
Inadvertently deleted last sentence as I posted the original

[Sassy Girl]

The best way is complete NC. After mm and I ended we decided to be "friends" and it just didn't work. I kept getting hurt and wasn't able to move on. Things have been so much easier putting it all behind me and moving on. With time, I detached.

 

And don't believe "others"... Chances are they're information came from Mm, and he's a proven liar. The only 2 people who know the true dynamics of a marriage are the people inside it. You of all people should know that.

[elaine567]

You are actually in a good position here, as you only see him every 6 weeks at a conference, so you need to use that 6 weeks to cure your addiction and get things back into perspective.

Go NC, stop the texting, cut all contact and even skip the conference too if that is possible, or make sure you have nothing to do with him during the conference. NO coffees, no dinner dates, no long walks, nothing.

Head down carry on walking, engross yourself in your work or arrange to meet other friends during the conference, leave no space for him at all.

Be honest, you are not going to leave, he is not going to leave, nothing good will come of this.

 

If you do feel at some point you do need to leave your marriage, then it is better done when you are fully engaged and thinking straight, not when you are feeling giddy and a little stupefied in the throes of an affair.

[loveisanaction]

If you are truly in love with your affair partner and he is madly in love with you, i think you should both get divorces and be together.

 

Please don’t say that you both can’t get divorces because there are kids involved and you both would stand to lose a lot; those are excuses; people have done it and have survived.

 

If you truly believe that what you have with your affair partner is a Romeo & Juliet type of love story; when next you see him tell him that you can’t keep cheating on your husband anymore and that you want to be in a committed relationship with him. Tell him that you would like for the both of you to divorce your spouses and make what you have official.

 

I have been researching infidelity and have read so many stories about them that they’re all starting to look the same. I’ve gone as far back as 1968 and the common denominator I always see is that men do not leave their wife for their affair partner because they love their wife and children too much.

They fight with her, sex gets boring, marriage begings to takes work and becomes monotonous but deep down in their hearts they still love the woman that they married.

 

We’re talking year after year of Christmas celebrations, Valentines’ Day, birthdays, family vacations, Easter holidays, baby’s first word, baby’s first step, traumatic events that they fought through as a couple and came out as a stronger unit. You think after going through such things with their wife that they’re just going to walk away from her?

 

So, when next you see your affair partner ask him if he would be willing to leave his wife for you. His answer will let you know where you stand and how you should proceed.

 

The truth is, most married men enjoy extramarital affairs but not not as much as they love their wife and children.

[stilltrying16]

I typed the long version and lost it all somehow, so here's the "shortER" version. I've been married over 20 years and have been having an affair with a MM for a little over 10 months We both have kids. My husband was my first sexual partner. I was not his. He cheated on me, even though he never fully admitted everything. But we went to counseling. He cut ties with her immediately. A few years ago, he then had an inappropriate texting relationship which I found out about. I left him for awhile but he ceased contact with her completely upon me finding out. Since then, he has been nicer to me than ever before. For the past 3 years or so.

I work in the same field as the MM and we see each other about every 6 weeks at statewide conferences. We have texted every single day since we met. (We have never met each other's spouses.) We even tell each other that we love the other. He is not happy at all in his marriage. He tells me this, yes, but I have also had others tell me. Who have no reason to lie. No one knows about our A. We have just recently decided that we need to take a step back. No more I love you'd and no more constant contact. We're having NC for at least a week and see where things stand. We were together recently and things were wonderful. He got a text from his wife that made us think she was suspicious. And he became nervous. I had already been feeling guilty about staying another night together so I left and came home. He actually wants the NC more than me I think.

I am struggling. Constantly crying when my family isn't around and I've barely eaten. I am happier with him. Even with all the messiness of an affair. But I know I need to stop. Ironically, my sex with my husband improved when I started the affair because I had more self confidence. The really sad part is, I think my husband trusts me almost completely. The MM and I are very educated people and we both know because of hubs, kids and the 3 hour distance that we really be together. But I am eternally optimistic and always think we could find away. But in reality I really don't think I could do that to my kids. Or my husband. My M is not bad. Most people think we r the perfect couple. although I'm completely to blame for my choices, I wouldn't have never done this if my self esteem wouldn't have been crushed by his infidelities.

How do I let go of this MM when I don't want to but know I should? I've read all the articles about focusing on your kids. And I do a lot with my kids, but I feel like this is totally distracting me. And for reasons I can't get into, I can't quit my job. I will still have to see him a handful of times a year and we will be staying over night at a hotel with everyone else in our field. I desperately help on coping and getting through this. Not just advice on how it is breaking up my family and how wrong it is. I know that and I'm still struggling to move on. I'm afraid I won't be able to resist him the next time I see him.

 

Can't let go, I can see how overwhelming this must feel, and your self esteem probably took a blow when your H cheated- your defenses could still be down.

 

I see a little defeatism at the end of your post when you said you are afraid you won't be able to resist him. And that same worry is evident in the user name you chose!

 

That's the first challenge: get out of the defeatist thinking and rebuild your self-esteem. There are cognitive behavior therapies for you to do that, and if therapy is not possible for whatever reason, google how to build self esteem and try out those exercises.

 

Once you do, you'll see you're actually in an unusually good position to fight this for the reasons below.

 

NC is absolutely the way to go. Read up on it here and on other sites.

 

1. As Elaine said, you see him infrequently. Your entire group stays at a hotel, right? Can you share your room with a co-worker with whom there's no question of a romantic entanglement? Or can you make late evening and early morning plans with the co-worker so that there are less free time by yourself? Even consider if you can pay extra and go to a different hotel, without telling him where you are.

 

2. Your current mode of communication is texting. Keep your phone physically away from you- "accidentally" leave it near your Husband (after first cleaning it up and deleting the history). Consider leaving it in your car when you are at home- I do that when I don't want to call someone and know I'll be tempted. You didn't mention social media, but if that's something you are involved in, deactivate it or stop. Be strong and block him on your phone. Lose this phone and get a different number. DoNOT share it with him.

 

3. You said at this point, he is more eager to go NC than you are. That's great- it should make it easier to distance yourself. There is a risk with some MM that they suddenly want to reel their AP in when she is pulling back. I hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, be prepared. If you've cut off all electronic means of communication, you will be a little more protected.

 

4. Here's my biggest discovery based on ways I have tried to fight a huge number of addictions. It is easier to switch an addiction than to stop it. The affair and MM are addictions (even physically they create dependency the way addictions do). Switch to new and healthier physical/emotional addictions. Your affair probably made you feel alive and centered. So now the idea is to chase that same feeling of being alive but without an affair. Learn to dig deep in yourself. Identify your true sources of joy and I think you will discover they do not have to depend on other people. It's easier and much more satisfying to move towards a new addiction than just stop the one you are in.

 

5. I've been saying this in pretty much every post this last week because I really mean it. Lots of threads that are active at the moment are exactly focused on the questions you are asking. There are some really great discussions involving people who have found a way out and others who are still struggling. I would recommend reading them obsessively. (Maybe LS can be one new addiction you switch into! I know it's become that for me.)

 

Finally, there is help out there and you can do this. And when you do it, I hope you will consider changing your user name. The very best of luck to you. Please keep posting. Hugs!

[Can't let go]

If you are truly in love with your affair partner and he is madly in love with you, i think you should both get divorces and be together.

 

Please don’t say that you both can’t get divorces because there are kids involved and you both would stand to lose a lot; those are excuses; people have done it and have survived.

 

If you truly believe that what you have with your affair partner is a Romeo & Juliet type of love story; when next you see him tell him that you can’t keep cheating on your husband anymore and that you want to be in a committed relationship with him. Tell him that you would like for the both of you to divorce your spouses and make what you have official.

 

I have been researching infidelity and have read so many stories about them that they’re all starting to look the same. I’ve gone as far back as 1968 and the common denominator I always see is that men do not leave their wife for their affair partner because they love their wife and children too much.

They fight with her, sex gets boring, marriage begings to takes work and becomes monotonous but deep down in their hearts they still love the woman that they married.

 

We’re talking year after year of Christmas celebrations, Valentines’ Day, birthdays, family vacations, Easter holidays, baby’s first word, baby’s first step, traumatic events that they fought through as a couple and came out as a stronger unit. You think after going through such things with their wife that they’re just going to walk away from her?

 

So, when next you see your affair partner ask him if he would be willing to leave his wife for you. His answer will let you know where you stand and how you should proceed.

 

The truth is, most married men enjoy extramarital affairs but not not as much as they love their wife and children.

 

In the beginning when we thought we were madly inlove, I know it was really lust. In this fantasy world that I made up in my head, we would both leave our spouses. MM did actually leave his wife for a short time and it scared me to death. He didn't leave for me or for us to be together, but still, the thought of him being single and possibly wanting me to be single, scared me. He knew I freaked out a little about it. They obviously got back together.

I have developed feelings for him but I know we really aren't in love with each other. But the hurt from ending the relationship is still very painful.

[Can't let go]

Can't let go, I can see how overwhelming this must feel, and your self esteem probably took a blow when your H cheated- your defenses could still be down.

 

I see a little defeatism at the end of your post when you said you are afraid you won't be able to resist him. And that same worry is evident in the user name you chose!

 

That's the first challenge: get out of the defeatist thinking and rebuild your self-esteem. There are cognitive behavior therapies for you to do that, and if therapy is not possible for whatever reason, google how to build self esteem and try out those exercises.

 

Once you do, you'll see you're actually in an unusually good position to fight this for the reasons below.

 

NC is absolutely the way to go. Read up on it here and on other sites.

 

1. As Elaine said, you see him infrequently. Your entire group stays at a hotel, right? Can you share your room with a co-worker with whom there's no question of a romantic entanglement? Or can you make late evening and early morning plans with the co-worker so that there are less free time by yourself? Even consider if you can pay extra and go to a different hotel, without telling him where you are.

 

2. Your current mode of communication is texting. Keep your phone physically away from you- "accidentally" leave it near your Husband (after first cleaning it up and deleting the history). Consider leaving it in your car when you are at home- I do that when I don't want to call someone and know I'll be tempted. You didn't mention social media, but if that's something you are involved in, deactivate it or stop. Be strong and block him on your phone. Lose this phone and get a different number. DoNOT share it with him.

 

3. You said at this point, he is more eager to go NC than you are. That's great- it should make it easier to distance yourself. There is a risk with some MM that they suddenly want to reel their AP in when she is pulling back. I hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, be prepared. If you've cut off all electronic means of communication, you will be a little more protected.

 

4. Here's my biggest discovery based on ways I have tried to fight a huge number of addictions. It is easier to switch an addiction than to stop it. The affair and MM are addictions (even physically they create dependency the way addictions do). Switch to new and healthier physical/emotional addictions. Your affair probably made you feel alive and centered. So now the idea is to chase that same feeling of being alive but without an affair. Learn to dig deep in yourself. Identify your true sources of joy and I think you will discover they do not have to depend on other people. It's easier and much more satisfying to move towards a new addiction than just stop the one you are in.

 

5. I've been saying this in pretty much every post this last week because I really mean it. Lots of threads that are active at the moment are exactly focused on the questions you are asking. There are some really great discussions involving people who have found a way out and others who are still struggling. I would recommend reading them obsessively. (Maybe LS can be one new addiction you switch into! I know it's become that for me.)

 

Finally, there is help out there and you can do this. And when you do it, I hope you will consider changing your user name. The very best of luck to you. Please keep posting. Hugs!

 

Thank you so much for your response. You hit the nail exactly on the head. It actually made me cry because I feel like someone finally gets it. Many posts just tell me how wrong it is and that I shouldn't be doing it and how I'm hurting so many people. I KNOW all of that!

I have never been addicted to drugs, alcohol, or anything but I do feel addicted to him. Or probably more so, how he makes me feel. I can't just will that to go away. Believe me, I have tried.

I know my self esteem was shattered with my husbands infidelity I didn't go into this thinking about doing that to his BW. Although I should've thought about that, it was the farthest thing from my mind.

Here's the other part that I'm sure will be hard for people to understand, but my A actually improved my sex life with my H. I think it's because it improved my confidence in that area. I know it improved because my H started telling me how much better our sex life was. He felt like I really wanted him.

[Can't let go]

Thank you so much for your response. You hit the nail exactly on the head. It actually made me cry because I feel like someone finally gets it. Many posts just tell me how wrong it is and that I shouldn't be doing it and how I'm hurting so many people. I KNOW all of that!

I have never been addicted to drugs, alcohol, or anything but I do feel addicted to him. Or probably more so, how he makes me feel. I can't just will that to go away. Believe me, I have tried.

I know my self esteem was shattered with my husbands infidelity I didn't go into this thinking about doing that to his BW. Although I should've thought about that, it was the farthest thing from my mind.

Here's the other part that I'm sure will be hard for people to understand, but my A actually improved my sex life with my H. I think it's because it improved my confidence in that area. I know it improved because my H started telling me how much better our sex life was. He felt like I really wanted him.

 

BTW: what does LS stand for in your post?

[stilltrying16]

Thank you so much for your response. You hit the nail exactly on the head. It actually made me cry because I feel like someone finally gets it. Many posts just tell me how wrong it is and that I shouldn't be doing it and how I'm hurting so many people. I KNOW all of that!

I have never been addicted to drugs, alcohol, or anything but I do feel addicted to him. Or probably more so, how he makes me feel. I can't just will that to go away. Believe me, I have tried.

I know my self esteem was shattered with my husbands infidelity I didn't go into this thinking about doing that to his BW. Although I should've thought about that, it was the farthest thing from my mind.

Here's the other part that I'm sure will be hard for people to understand, but my A actually improved my sex life with my H. I think it's because it improved my confidence in that area. I know it improved because my H started telling me how much better our sex life was. He felt like I really wanted him.

 

Oh, you're welcome. I've benefited so much from the support of people in real life, and anonymous strangers on the internet, that it's good to share experience. I am very addictive, so I do always need help, even though my addictions are very humdrum: food, procrastination, cluttering, etc. I did give up cigarettes 20 years ago, so I always coast on that. But I don't mean to trivilialize the devastation of an affair- it's much more than these other addictions I mentioned. I remember that well from my own exp with infidelity (as a BGF) a long time ago.

 

While the "just say no" & tough love approach didn't always work for me, nor also did the empathy method. I needed a nice combination of both. On this site, you'll get exactly that. I think people posting here really want to use their own experience to help others find their way out of pain.

 

And I have a question for you: what are some concrete -small and big- steps you are considering to fight your situation- on a day by day basis?

[stilltrying16]

LS= Love Shack.

 

I hate abbreviations till I figure them out and then I get addicted to them myself.

 

I'm also addicted to emoticons.

[Can't let go]

My AP is not on social media at all. I am very minimal. So we don't have that temptation. Our regular mode of communication is by texting on the skype app. I don't need that app, so I deleted it today.

I'm not sure how to stop the obsessive thoughts of thinking about him and wanting to contact him. I'm trying to focus on my kids but he seems to always be in my head. I'm really not sure what kind of distraction would work. I'm going to find a new good book to start reading. That will hopefully occupy my mind. I love to read but am kind of picky on the types of books I read. All John Grisham, Bill o'reily's killing Lincoln and others of those, the Vince Flynn series. I'm not sure if o should read those kind or get out of my comfort zone and read a type of self help book.

[renaissancewoman]

I don't blame my H for my A. I know this was my choice and I made the wrong one. My real point in saying that was to try to illustrate how his A changed me. I'll admit that knowing my H had an affair added to absence of guilt when I first started my A. Not rightfully so, but it's hard to control how we feel. My H was the only person I had ever had sex with and I'm in my early 40's. I know I've now ruined a very sacred part of me. If I could turn back time, I x5NZi34Qok'd have let myself get into this position.

If I do get over my AP before I see him next, I'm confident that I won't fall back in. I just feel very vulnerable to do that right now. But I don't want to at all. I'm just being honest with how I feel. I really need to work on coping mechanisms to get past him sooner rather than later. And I need some advice on this. It will be at least 6 weeks before I even see him again and I want to make sure I'm strong enough emotionally to stay away. I know he feels the same way so hopefully between the both of us, we can ward anything off.

 

You can't say that you don't blame your H's affair and take responsibility for your choices and then in the same breath say that you wouldn't have entered into an affair had it not been what "happened to you" because of your H's affair. You say you lost your self esteem, you say that the A started when you and your husband were fighting because you thought he was cheating again. Do you hear what you are saying. You are saying, yes I know what I did was wrong, but I have "valid reasons" why I did them. That's essentially how you have presented your case.

 

Until you fully come to grips with the fact that you and only you made this choice to betray your H, it'll be hard to move on because you're already not starting off from a place of complete honesty. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I do believe that if you truly loved your husband then it shouldn't be so hard to get over this MM because your love for your husband would overpower any feelings you have for the other. The fact that you think about the logistics of having a life together and considered the affects with kids, the distance between you, etc. shows that you aren't fully committed to your husband.

 

I just don't understand the notion of you can't control your emotions. We aren't helpless people who have no choice. Why are people so willing to render themselves powerless? Is it just an excuse to behave badly? "Oh I can't help myself therefore I have to give in to temptation?"

[heartwhole]

It sounds like you are putting a good plan into place for NC going forward. I too try to occupy my thoughts with reading.

 

What stands out to me from your posts is that you never dealt with the blow to your self-esteem that you suffered from your H's infidelity. Actually, my guess would be that the self-esteem issues have always been there and become greater in times of stress. Just as character should not depend on how others treat us, neither should self-esteem. His choices are on him; yours are on you. I highly recommend starting IC (individual counseling) to explore these issues. You should not have internalized your husband's actions as being anything to do with your worth; you need to go back and reset that bone.

 

I am not saying this to blame you. I discovered my H's affair one year ago, and I am still struggling to figure out how to cope and move forward. It's terribly difficult when somebody causes us trauma because of their own issues and poor coping skills. Then we in turn get lost in our own issues and poor coping skills. All you can do at this point is begin to dig yourself out, little by little. Stop the vicious cycle. Start a virtuous cycle.

 

We all lose our way at times. You seem fairly aware of how you've gotten to this point and what you need to do going forward. You recognize that you are vulnerable to escaping back into the affair rather than dealing with the less than glamorous realities of your life. I don't blame you; I just hope you can stop the bleeding and begin healing. When you feel weak, remember the trauma that you suffered from your H's affairs, and vow not to continue doing that to BW. You can't change the past, but today is a new day, and you can do better today. You must.

[13Hearts]

Sure you can change the way you feel. It's easy. You do it by changing the way you think. You play a mind game with yourself to get the result you want.

 

 

The fastest way I know to get over someone is to demonize them in my mind. I start listing all of the negatives about the person I can think of and then blow them way out of proportion. I can take a slight or even a simple sentence he said to me and extrapolate from that the worst motivations on his part possible. Think the WORST you can of him and start identifying him with the worst names you can come up with. Focus on the bad and if you can't come up with bad things or things you dislike about him, then do like I described and start extrapolating from other things he's said or done. Look for evidence to believe the worst about him as you can.

 

Change his contact in your phone to a horrible name for him. Whenever you think of him, think of that name.

 

Good luck!