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MrsBilliethekid

So my exH sent an anonymous letter to MMs wife saying he was having an affair. No names mentioned so she doesn't know who I am. MM denied it and seems to be taking it in his stride, probably helps he's hundreds of mile's away from her. She deleted me from his fb friends list at the weekend, he added me again and then she deleted me again. He's now deactivated his fb altogether as they had a big row about it. This happened before she got the letter. I'm guessing she knows its me.......

 

So MM is still of the opinion we go with the flow and see what happens next.......its getting very stressful. My attempts to break it off have been pitiful.

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renaissancewoman

I'm sorry I don't know all the background to your story. But given that she has deleted you as his friend, then yes she knows it's you. What does it mean when your MM is "taking it in stride"?

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SomethingToSay

Its clear the A is causing the wife alot of pain. And i guess its also upsetting your ExH for whatever reason. Would you consider puttinf an emd to this and focus on a life that doesnt inflict such destruction? After all this MM cant be much of a catch, since you know he is capable of lying and betrayal.

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MrsBilliethekid

He's just very blasé, still says that he wants to be with me properly and it'll happen very soon, days or weeks. He isn't rushing home to sort things out with her. He's a typical conflict avoider and has said from the start he wants her to finish it (their marriage has been in trouble long before he met me). He's angry at my ex, as although he wants their marriage over, he didn't want a DD.

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Lady Hamilton

What happens next?

 

Well, from where I sit, the next move is hers. Maybe she'll reach out, maybe she won't. Maybe she'll leave, maybe she won't. Who knows?

 

But you are for sure at the part where she's going to be making various plans, perhaps calling you, perhaps having come to Jesus talk with her husband... It all depends on her.

 

What do you do? Well, you can either be passive, proactive, or reactive.

 

You can:

 

  1. Do nothing
  2. Tell him that you're prepared for X, Y, and Z with her, this is what you want, this is what you expect of him, this is what you'll do if you're confronted, and go from there.
  3. Or you can wait for her to show you her next move and make up your reaction on the fly.

 

I lean towards the proactive, but it seems that the choice of choice around here is the reactive. It rarely works out. Even when it does work out, it really doesn't.

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stilltrying16

Hi, Mrs.BillietheKid. Sorry it's getting more stressful. Short of a DDay (which he doesn't want), what can he do to help with your stress?

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whichwayisup
He's just very blasé, still says that he wants to be with me properly and it'll happen very soon, days or weeks. He isn't rushing home to sort things out with her. He's a typical conflict avoider and has said from the start he wants her to finish it (their marriage has been in trouble long before he met me). He's angry at my ex, as although he wants their marriage over, he didn't want a DD.

 

Because he doesn't want to own up what he's done behind her back and have to pay through the nose in spousal support etc and as well as face the fallout and consequences of his choices to have an A.

 

He chose this and it blew up in his face. He can be angry at your ex all he wants to, but he has to blame himself for this mess, not your ex.

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renaissancewoman
He's just very blasé, still says that he wants to be with me properly and it'll happen very soon, days or weeks. He isn't rushing home to sort things out with her. He's a typical conflict avoider and has said from the start he wants her to finish it (their marriage has been in trouble long before he met me). He's angry at my ex, as although he wants their marriage over, he didn't want a DD.

 

I would ignore everything he says and pay attention to everything he does. He isn't exactly ending his marriage and he denied the affair. If he really wanted to be with you "properly" this would have been a golden opportunity to tell the truth and leave and be free to be with you. "He wants her to finish it." What a load of crap. Is he completely unable to take control of his life? He didn't want a DD? Maybe he should have been an adult and ended a relationship he "says" he didn't want to be in before getting involved with an OW. Sorry, but what happens next should be up to you. Don't wait on a man who isn't even man enough to end his marriage to be you, who he supposedly wants to be with. If he really wants to be with you, he wouldn't be waiting on someone else to end things. That's just a whole lot of waiting going on. When are people going to take some responsibility for the direction of their own lives?

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I don't think anything happens next. The MM has both you and his wife right where he wants. If he really wanted his wife to kick him out he would tell her the truth. The reason he's lying to her is because he's trying to prevent his marriage from ending. He's conflict avoiding cake eater and you think you want him.

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Cloudcuckoo

Why on earth anyone (including his wife) would find this weak, pathetic conflict avoidant man attractive is beyond me.

 

Give me a man with the courage of his convictions any day .....

 

He doesn't have the guts for integrity, so I fail to understand what makes you think he would turn into a prince for you.

 

Yuk, I feel quite nauseous....

Edited by Cloudcuckoo
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lemondrop21

Agree with other posters about the conflict avoidance. As time goes on and as this gets uglier, seeing all of this may make you realize that you don't want to be with him anyway. It's a very unattractive quality.

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WasOtherWoman
If he really wanted to be with you "properly" this would have been a golden opportunity to tell the truth and leave and be free to be with you.

 

Billie... read this and then read it AGAIN. Anytime an MM who says he is leaving, and does not leverage a D-day to do so is not leaving.

 

Why on God's green earth would he drag this out and prolong everyone's hurt? Blech....

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I fail to see how a weak cowardly man appeals to you or any other woman. Weakness in a man is a rather undesirable trait. Is this who you want to be a father figure to your children?

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Grapesofwrath
He's just very blasé, still says that he wants to be with me properly and it'll happen very soon, days or weeks. He isn't rushing home to sort things out with her. He's a typical conflict avoider and has said from the start he wants her to finish it (their marriage has been in trouble long before he met me). He's angry at my ex, as although he wants their marriage over, he didn't want a DD.

 

Do you notice the list of things that he wants, yet does nothing to get?

 

* He wants to be with you properly

* He wants his marriage to be over.

* He wants to avoid a D-Day.

* He wants her to have the ball$ to end the marriage, so he doesn't have to.

 

He has had the opportunity to take action to get some of the things he wants, yet he doesn't do anything. As an earlier poster said, pay no mind to his words. Look at his actions. That tells you all you need to know.

 

This man is going to be a nightmare for you if you continue. You are free to pursue other options, so I would advise you to get out of this A and find a man who acts like a man.

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MrsBilliethekid

He doesn't want to destroy her in the process and he doesn't want me branded the 'other woman'. Their marriage is over, it's a question of when not if, and the quieter and more amicable it is, the better. This letter could be the catalyst to end it. And I know you'll all say he's talking pants but I do believe him and I'm willing to wait a while longer and see what happens. I won't wait indefinitely, I really won't.

 

His thinking is that it's going to end, they are finished, but does not need to end spectacularly.

 

I guess I believe him as I ended my first marriage after an extra marital affair that my xH1 knew nothing about and didn't ever find out about. I just didn't see the need.

 

My 2nd xH is hell bent on causing as much trauma as he can despite the fact we've been split for nearly 2 years due to his infidelity!!! Yet he's acting like the injured party here, you would think I was cheating on him! Which is totally not the case.

 

I know I sound like a horrid person with loose morals, I'm really not. Guess I'm just weak and selfish.

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I had a lot more hope for you that this would turn out when you initially posted than I do now. He does not sound like a man with one foot out the door. He always has an excuse . . . as though it's the moral high road to deceive a woman he's planning to leave.

 

This letter could be the catalyst to end it.

 

You must mean a catalyst for HER to end it, since he clearly will not. Well, wouldn't she be a lot more likely to end it if he admitted to an affair? Isn't denying the affair making it less likely that she will end it, which he claims to want?

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Grapesofwrath
I had a lot more hope for you that this would turn out when you initially posted than I do now. He does not sound like a man with one foot out the door. He always has an excuse . . . as though it's the moral high road to deceive a woman he's planning to leave.

 

 

 

You must mean a catalyst for HER to end it, since he clearly will not. Well, wouldn't she be a lot more likely to end it if he admitted to an affair? Isn't denying the affair making it less likely that she will end it, which he claims to want?

 

I was married, and had an exit EA because I was too weak and afraid to just end the marriage without that crutch. It was a long-distance EA with a friend from college. My xH found evidence of the emails and confronted me. I confessed immediately, mostly because I wanted out of my marriage and saw this as a chance to do that. Gave him access to all my passwords, answered every question that he had, gave him as much detail as he wanted. I did not do this to reconcile, I did it because I wanted out.

 

If you want out, and you are have a D-Day, then that D-Day is the moment that you make your move to leave. It's awful. Divorce is awful. But if you want to end the marriage and don't take a D-Day as your opportunity, then you don't really want out. I'm afraid this business of not wanting it to end "spectacularly" is a way to string you along.

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MrsBilliethekid
I had a lot more hope for you that this would turn out when you initially posted than I do now. He does not sound like a man with one foot out the door. He always has an excuse . . . as though it's the moral high road to deceive a woman he's planning to leave.

 

 

 

You must mean a catalyst for HER to end it, since he clearly will not. Well, wouldn't she be a lot more likely to end it if he admitted to an affair? Isn't denying the affair making it less likely that she will end it, which he claims to want?

 

He doesn't want her to know about me, that's why he's denying it. But he says she will end it, it's just a question of when and things will be easier all round if that's the way it's allowed to happen. Plus he's over here, she's hundreds of miles away so all communication is on the phone atm, he's not due to go back until next weekend. Who knows how the land will lie at that stage, I'm sure she'll be investigating, I know I would be.

 

And I may change my mind tomorrow, I seem to be changing my mind everyday in this relationship, but I'll at least give it until he's been back there and see what transpires.

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MrsBilliethekid
I was married, and had an exit EA because I was too weak and afraid to just end the marriage without that crutch. It was a long-distance EA with a friend from college. My xH found evidence of the emails and confronted me. I confessed immediately, mostly because I wanted out of my marriage and saw this as a chance to do that. Gave him access to all my passwords, answered every question that he had, gave him as much detail as he wanted. I did not do this to reconcile, I did it because I wanted out.

 

If you want out, and you are have a D-Day, then that D-Day is the moment that you make your move to leave. It's awful. Divorce is awful. But if you want to end the marriage and don't take a D-Day as your opportunity, then you don't really want out. I'm afraid this business of not wanting it to end "spectacularly" is a way to string you along.

 

Oh God, this is horrible :(

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Grapesofwrath
He doesn't want her to know about me, that's why he's denying it. But he says she will end it, it's just a question of when and things will be easier all round if that's the way it's allowed to happen. Plus he's over here, she's hundreds of miles away so all communication is on the phone atm, he's not due to go back until next weekend. Who knows how the land will lie at that stage, I'm sure she'll be investigating, I know I would be.

 

And I may change my mind tomorrow, I seem to be changing my mind everyday in this relationship, but I'll at least give it until he's been back there and see what transpires.

 

It's definitely easier for the WS if the BS never learns of the A. It spares the AP and WS of dealing with the consequences. It's a bit cowardly, though, and passive. At some point, you have to get in the driver's seat and take control of the direction of your life.

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WasOtherWoman
He doesn't want her to know about me, that's why he's denying it. But he says she will end it, it's just a question of when and things will be easier all round if that's the way it's allowed to happen. .

 

So why would she end their relationship if she is not aware he is having an affair?

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SomethingToSay

How cruel and heartless to be actively having an A and wanting to leave your M but wont do it and instaed just make it so painful and awful that eventually the BS does it

 

Its torture. But Yay! for you I guess to be a part of this and have this wonderdul prince comimg to you. ( Well maybe. If he can make it so bad his wife leaves that is)

 

What is with cheaters just leaving nothing but a path of dispair and destruction in their wake....with their only concern to avoid any and all consequences ??

 

I agree you are selfish.

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