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Is it Possible to Remain Friends


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After break up any type off relationship, you need some time apart for sure to heal and

figure things out.

After that if you realize or see that there is a healthy type of friendship there from both sides then you can be friends.

 

But better is for both to move on, and not relay on being friends someday.

Just stay cool with each other is enough.

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TaraMaiden2
Is it possible to remain friends with a person you ave been in an emotional affair with?

 

Not immediately, no.

It's best to wait until you have successfully cultivated a feeling of Benign Indifference. (See NC Guide).

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Cloudcuckoo

No.

 

For a Plethora of reasons.

 

Namely, friends don't MAKE each other suffer, they support each other WHEN they suffer.

 

Much pleasure can be gained from making new ones, as long as you select with care.

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RedPurpleOrange

It's certainly a tough one. It's near impossible. It's the one sad thing about breakups, especially if you've cultivated a 'best friend' dynamic as well...which most probably have.

 

 

However, with my ex ex, we split up in 2011 and never saw each other again. But she stayed in touch over the phone for a couple of years. We were legendary talkers, we could just chat and chat and chat. Not even love stuff (in the early days she was hinting at reconciliation but it stopped over time). We started off as best friends...but it did make it a bit awkward to move on for both of us, though we both did.

 

 

I ended up letting the communication filter out in 2013. We were both with different people. And I haven't heard anything from her for over two years (though she did Facebook 'like' a pic of me in late 2014).

 

 

But...yeah...she was a great person and we started off as best friends before we got together. I still love her as a person. I don't wanna get back with her but as a friend, she was awesome...I miss that friendship.

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Friendship after seems less cruel on the heart.

Your ego, self esteem seem to not get as bruised as the door of 'love' is closed, the window to the others lives seems to stay open, therefore you consider your self to still fit or have a place.

You still feel wanted in some way.

Please know this is a downgraded position, a demotion.

You dont feel thrown away like trash, he doesnt feel like the bad guy, you both continue the ego strokes or addiction of hearing from the other...

Its an equal mess to the origional affair, it comes with its own pain.

Suddenly the one who used to appear like he was madly in love, is your buddy and pal.

You will still analyze words and communication, it will hurt.

Its just a step down the ladder and is not true friendship.

You need to firmly close the door and face the pain and grieving of a true goodbye.

Ex AP's arent friends.

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RedPurpleOrange

You're right in a way. It IS a demotion...but I think if enough water has passed under the bridge....

 

 

With the ex ex, we had a fiery thing going on. In the last throes of the relationship, we'd just argue and bicker too much. The friendship we started off with started to sour...it was sad.

 

 

But...once we were apart...what we started off with came back. The friendship. Once the demotion phase passed...we could talk again. Without analysing comments because we'd established we were truly apart (I know, I know).

 

 

But...it was all over the phone. I know if we'd split up for six months and physically met up again...we'd be straight back in the sack.

 

 

But I DO think it's probably best to just let a person go. It DOES complicate your life keeping old loved ones around.

 

 

It's just really sad. Especially if you're a softy.

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bathtub-row

I didn't have just an emotional affair with xMM, it was also physical and lasted for several years - so I don't know if my response qualifies. I can say that we're still loosely friends but a lot of time went by before that could really happen. We don't - and never will again - talk or write on a daily basis. I will never let him consume so much if my life like he once did. But on some level, he will always be a friend in my heart and people like that are rare so I've never been thrilled about pulling the plug on him completely.

 

I think I can say that after a couple of years of near silence, we've found that happy medium. We get along great and usually laugh our heads off when we're together but it's very tricky finding and keeping that balance. That's why we have very minimal contact. If I spent a lot of time with him or we wrote several times a day like we used to, I'd find myself right back in the affair. As I said, it can be very tricky but for me I'd rather keep him as a distant friend than having no possibility of talking ever again.

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RedPurpleOrange

Yeah, like you say, if you're a great person and you fall in love with a great person...then it's hard to just cut that out. The fact remains...you once were partners, you have a natural knack for getting on like a house on fire, you know that person is truly good, truly worth knowing.

 

 

If someone's been horrible, abusive, cold, it's different. If a true warmth was there, it's much more difficult...and it can feel such a shame.

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Wouldnt you be able to find new fresh people that you get on really well with?

After some healing you can look back and maybe appreciate that person and time and say it was a season.

Why let the past keep hanging around.

Let it naturally fade, become distant and open your heart to new friends.

Maybe after SEVERAL years you can exchange a laugh and establish you arent enemies.

Right now, the relationship needs a firm close. A total complete distance of heart and mind.

You cant fully grieve and accept it without that.

Its great you dont hate the person.

So if you still love them even as a friend, then love them enough to let them go.

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Oh, I agree. I tend to do it subconsciously anyway. Cut the tie.

 

 

But it's still sad.

Its the saddest thing I have EVER been through is losing my friend.

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I've said this before: it depends on what you mean by friends. It depends on what your expectations are for friends.

 

I was friends with my best friend from high school for 30 years. I can't tell you how many times she threw me aside for a man. She was inappropriate with my boyfriend, she frequently went behind friends' backs to tell their men secrets (woman was overspending money, kissed another man, wasn't being honest) and would claim "he has a right to know". She would cancel plans at the last minute, she wouldn't answer her phone, she'd leave me waiting to go out to supper. The next day she'd claim we didn't have "firm plans". Time after time this happened throughout our teens, twenties and thirties.

 

We live a mile apart and haven't seen each other in over a year. We haven't talked for close to ten months. I expect daily contact from her, I expect plans to do things. We aren't friend because she ditched me once again and I'm done begging her to be my friend. Her last stunt was to poach a woman's husband. She heard through another friend that the woman was unhappy, was thinking about divorce, was possibly having an affair (I think she was close, but hadn't). So, she said all the right things to the guy and within two weeks they were "in love". Within a month she was telling the wife to back away from "my man".

 

I have a bunch of military buddies on and off Facebook. We talk 3-4 times a year. We haven't seen each other in 20+ years. I'd unhesitatingly take a bullet for them.

 

So, what would be your expectations for the former eap? I am friends with the xmm. We talk or text frequently, we exchange Christmas/birthday presents. We discuss highs and lows (not always when they immediately happen), we ask each other for advice. He's not always my first call - and I don't think I'm his.

 

But it is a secret.

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ChickiePops
I've said this before: it depends on what you mean by friends. It depends on what your expectations are for friends.

 

I was friends with my best friend from high school for 30 years. I can't tell you how many times she threw me aside for a man. She was inappropriate with my boyfriend, she frequently went behind friends' backs to tell their men secrets (woman was overspending money, kissed another man, wasn't being honest) and would claim "he has a right to know". She would cancel plans at the last minute, she wouldn't answer her phone, she'd leave me waiting to go out to supper. The next day she'd claim we didn't have "firm plans". Time after time this happened throughout our teens, twenties and thirties.

 

We live a mile apart and haven't seen each other in over a year. We haven't talked for close to ten months. I expect daily contact from her, I expect plans to do things. We aren't friend because she ditched me once again and I'm done begging her to be my friend. Her last stunt was to poach a woman's husband. She heard through another friend that the woman was unhappy, was thinking about divorce, was possibly having an affair (I think she was close, but hadn't). So, she said all the right things to the guy and within two weeks they were "in love". Within a month she was telling the wife to back away from "my man".

 

I have a bunch of military buddies on and off Facebook. We talk 3-4 times a year. We haven't seen each other in 20+ years. I'd unhesitatingly take a bullet for them.

 

So, what would be your expectations for the former eap? I am friends with the xmm. We talk or text frequently, we exchange Christmas/birthday presents. We discuss highs and lows (not always when they immediately happen), we ask each other for advice. He's not always my first call - and I don't think I'm his.

 

But it is a secret.

 

If I was the exMM's wife and I found out that my husband had a secret female friend who he spends money on, I would still consider this an emotional affair.

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I would say that it is impossible for right now.

 

XMM and I tried it, but it didn't work out, because he was already moving on, while I was still strongly attached to him, hoping that me sticking around would bring him back. I expected the same amount of attention from him like before, but when the communication was reduced to an email a week, I started to get really annoyed.

 

Thinking about it now, we were not ready to be friends and we were both lying about our motives to stay in touch. I was hoping to get him back, while he was just trying to be nice to me (he knew that completely cutting me off would destroy me). He would come and see me, but it was obvious that he didn't want to be there. It was painful.

 

It is really sad to let someone so close go (we had a great connection and shared everything), but trying to stay friends right after the affair can only destroy what was good between the two of you.

 

Maybe, in the distant, distant future, you can be something like friends, but, probably, only the type of buddies that exchange an email a year. Even if you both are way over the affair, it would still be awkward to be as close as before.

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Girlfromcali

I would like to do this with my AP, but it is difficult. I can't say we're "friends" if both of us still have deep feelings that are more than just friends would have.

 

When we both have reached the point when those feelings have gone, is there any desire to stay friends?

This is what I'm trying to figure out, and will let you know when I reach that point.

 

It is also a question of what you mean by "friends." I'm sure you can put that title on your relationship, like for me it's psychologically easier to deal with the fact that I don't just put people out of my life. In other words, I don't want to be the one who puts people out of my life (unless they're toxic).

 

But I seriously doubt I really want to have a close relationship after my feelings for him have faded to a friend level. However, this doesn't mean he doesn't stay in my life at some level forever because he probably will.

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If I was the exMM's wife and I found out that my husband had a secret female friend who he spends money on, I would still consider this an emotional affair.

 

I hope you have a sense of humor, but my first thought was: how many people are having a secret emotional affair with designer coffee their partners don't know about?

 

A $3 habit, 200+ days a year....

 

He doesn't spend that much on me. And I don't spent that much on him.

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Girlfromcali
I would say that it is impossible for right now.

 

XMM and I tried it, but it didn't work out, because he was already moving on, while I was still strongly attached to him, hoping that me sticking around would bring him back. I expected the same amount of attention from him like before, but when the communication was reduced to an email a week, I started to get really annoyed.

 

Thinking about it now, we were not ready to be friends and we were both lying about our motives to stay in touch. I was hoping to get him back, while he was just trying to be nice to me (he knew that completely cutting me off would destroy me). He would come and see me, but it was obvious that he didn't want to be there. It was painful.

 

It is really sad to let someone so close go (we had a great connection and shared everything), but trying to stay friends right after the affair can only destroy what was good between the two of you.

 

Maybe, in the distant, distant future, you can be something like friends, but, probably, only the type of buddies that exchange an email a year. Even if you both are way over the affair, it would still be awkward to be as close as before.

 

I relate to this a lot, also. It's especially hard to see the other person moving on quicker. It makes you think why would you want to be friends with someone who is comfortable torturing you emotionally.

For me, I go back and fort. Sometimes I'm mad but then I think "oh, well he didn't do it intentionally, so I can forgive him".

 

Even now I'm thinking that when I eventually am "over him" so to speak, do I really wanna stay friends with someone who caused me so much pain?

 

Right now I don't know the answer.

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RedPurpleOrange

But what else can they do but torture you emotionally? There is no way of getting around it. It is such a conundrum.

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acrosstheuniverse

Everyone is different but I don't think it's a great idea to be honest. If you've been involved in an affair and it has culminated in the committed partner remaining with their spouse or partner (and not in a relationship between you both), the respectful thing to do is to walk away and allow them to repair their relationship. Hanging around is like sticking the middle finger up to their betrayed partner, it'll cause problems and as a 'friend' you don't willingly cause issues in your friend's relationship.

 

Usually it's a way for the EA to continue under the guise of being 'friends'. There are billions of people out there to build a healthy friendship with, not someone you colluded with in betraying someone else

 

I briefly had a three month stint as a OW a few years ago, I regret to this day. The guy was a fellow student on my programme who had a partner of seven years, no kids. It makes me laugh looking back how when we stopped the affair (I put an end to it when I realised he wasn't ending his R) it was all 'you're my best friend, we'll always be friends, I can handle losing the relationship part but I couldn't handle losing the friendship, at least we can always be in one another's lives as friends'. Haha! It was just a way of keeping me sweet, damage control, so that I didn't get angry and tell his partner. Predictably our 'friendship' limped along with the very occasional text, we had to see one another for uni classes for a further year so I didn't see much option although we never saw one another socially other than with others on our course, and died completely the day we finished our masters.

 

I can't see how you can call yourself a friend if you're a secret and not able to visit their home, meet their partner, that's not a friendship that's a dirty little secret.

 

Walk away completely. Most people who want to stay friends are just sticking around hoping the committed partner will come to their senses, end the R or M and they can have their happy ever after.

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ChickiePops
I hope you have a sense of humor, but my first thought was: how many people are having a secret emotional affair with designer coffee their partners don't know about?

 

A $3 habit, 200+ days a year....

 

He doesn't spend that much on me. And I don't spent that much on him.

 

You seem intelligent so I'm assuming you missed my point deliberately.

 

The only thing shameful, hurtful, and embarrassing about a coffee habit is coffee breath. An affair however...

 

If I recall correctly though you are adamantly pro-affair so we will just have to agree to disagree.

 

To relate this back to the OP - honestly if you're still friends with him and he's hiding your friendship, then you're still in the affair. It's up to you but if you really want to end it then you have to end contact.

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