norudder Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I debated whether to share on here. It can get kind of judgy at times. But LS has been a sounding board through the journey which in combination with counseling has been helpful. He's done the IC, MC and mediation. They are separated living together (this was verified) and plans to be on his own by June. She's dating discreetly. I dont care if he dates other women or not. I have refused to date separated men without justifiable circumstances since my divorce and am not making any exceptions even for him. He cant clearly articulate his reasons for divorce, what he wants for himself, or with me. He's still negatively attached to his (STBX?)W cheating on him first and sees himself the victim but due to his own failures as a husband. Probably true but matters not to me. Double pity points for being hurt by her and by himself? Am I being too harsh? Either way he's not available. Hes told me he loves me, desires me, not once has he said he'd like a healthy relationship with me.He apologized, acknowledged his selfishness, brokenness, etc. Said he knows the healthy thing is to be on his own a little while, not jump into a relationship right away, slowly date. I do not have any hopes. I dont even really believe he's going to follow through. He chose his marriage and when that didnt work out he's getting in touch but not from a position of strength or decisiveness. I felt like a rebound in the A, I'm not about to be a rebound for his D. I cant fault him too much, I was filled with fear and insecurity during divorce too. The compassion I have for him understands the pain and turmoil, even if its the right thing and remotely amicable but the compassion I have for myself prevents me from wanting anything to do with it anymore once it was clear we didnt want the same outcome. He wanted status quo which he now says he was lying to himself out of fear. Our 'breakup' devastated me and Ive gotten to a good place. I am not afraid to love again but I am smarter now and am not going to put my heart on the line to him when he hasnt made the big moves (moving, filing) that would let me consider it. He says the right things like he knows he cant ask me to wait and doesnt want to hold me back and maybe I will be with someone else but I think part of him was hoping I would date him since he was 'separated' now, and his wife is dating, and we could just pick things back up. And poor him that I'm not okay with it. Some people will date separated folks living with their former partners (my exh got dates while we still under the same roof) but it is not for me and not with our history. I guess part of me feels guilty for having standards now. Only a small part and only because its him. I have no issues declining other men. He hasnt asked but I feel like I'm having to make a decision that isnt even ready to be made yet about whether I would date him once he's moved out. He said we shouldnt move in together right away!? He said I"m still the last he's been with and the romantic part of him was hoping we'd still be each other's last until we got back together. He hasnt even filed yet and he's saying these things. He is nowhere near emotionally stable or done working through the issues that led to his cheating and/or his divorce. Steering clear and continuing to date the available ones whether he likes it or not. Thanks for letting me share. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 So his wife never found out about affair, he never confessed it? From what I can remember from your previous posts. *sorry!* Don't let him move in, he's being ridiculous assuming he's just going to up and divorce/move out and then move in with you, start a new life so quickly without being on his own and learning how to 'be' with NO woman in his life for a little while. You're not obligated to him, nor should you feel pressured to have to be with him because now their marriage is ending. It still seems like it's not his choice to do this, especially since you say he's still emotionally attached to her - All the more reason not to move quickly with him, keep him at arms length. IF you date, do date properly in a healthier way. NO sex, no sleepovers, just casual getting to know you dating without the affair dynamic. That dynamic has to die if you two ever will have a chance together, as well as him being on his own. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 YOU don't have any obligation to him at all. He isn't done with his marriage by a long way. It might take him years to come to terms with it. It's too soon. Separated people are not emotionally ready to commit to another relationship. Do things your way. He is assuming an awful lot.... what does he think you are.....PLAN B ? Poppy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 Your entire thought process is correct....spot on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted April 16, 2016 Author Share Posted April 16, 2016 He did confess to the affair. Length, love, etc. But didn't name names. Same for his W. She had several, emotional and physical as well as going to bdsm clubs. He's obsessed with the toys, gags, etc he found hidden that she won't talk about. I told him I don't want to hear about it or her anymore. Its more about her than us. He said we should *not* move in together, but you're right- the assumption that it would head there is off. If, big if, we dated, it would be slow. No sex for a while until I trusted his intentions. And it does still seem like its not his choice. She's said she just wants him to be happy but he hasn't said the same. She's let go and he hasn't. He won't as long as he's living there. He's entitled to grieve and not be over it. I'm entitled to not be involved while he is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 Its more about her than us. ^^^ this^^^ And it will continue to be more about her, until he gets her out of his system. He has unfinished business with her, so you are correct, you would be the rebound, used as a substitute and security blanket, until he wakes up one day and dumps you, as you are not "her". He may even start to blame you for "ruining" his marriage. He has a long road ahead, I feel you are right to stay out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 Your instincts sound correct to me too. He needs properly to end and grieve his M, and to work on his issues to become a healthier person, before you can be reasonably certain he's a safe and worthy potential partner. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I think it's a big hit to the ego when a WS discovers their spouse has cheated as well... especially at the same time they were having an A. So he now knows she easily has other options. It doesn't sound like she's that bothered about the marriage.. whereas he is still not sure. You've summed up the fact that it's more about her than the two of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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