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I'm in so much pain! Finished with MM


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LondonGirl81

After a 10 month affair, two days ago I have finally (I hope and pray) finished it with MM. I am in so much pain, physically and emotionally and finding it almost unbearable. We have consumed each other's lives for the last 10 months - it's been a physical and emotional affair - and now I feel utterly lost. He has been on my mind all day, everyday since we have been together, and I'm terrified I've lost myself. I can't even remember what my life was like before him (I'm single) but I felt fulfilled and never experienced this kind of sadness. Because my whole life has been consumed by him, I don't know what to do now he has gone. I'm just lying in bed, reading advice about affairs and other people's stories on here. I feel like I should get up and do things, but I don't know what to do!

 

I am managing to see friends and do social things with them, but when I'm on my own, I feel totally stuck and tormented. I'm in counselling and am very much looking forward to my session tomorrow night!

 

I've tried to break off with MM on a number of occasions. I loved being with him and the times we had together, but I found the bits in between too torturous. I feel that this time will be different, as I finally asked the question, 'would you ever leave your wife for me?' I'd always been too scared to ask as didn't want to look needy or vulnerable, and I knew what his answer would be, so the fantasy bubble of our relationship would burst.

So yesterday I asked him if he'd ever leave and he said although he often thinks about it and how he could make it work on a practical level, he wants to leave his wife because the relationship is over (not for someone else) but more importantly to him, he can't bear the thought of damaging his very young children's lives. He said his love for me and future happiness is another factor to think about, but it sounded like an afterthought to me! On hearing this, I knew for certain it was never going to happen, and this is a wake up call for me. Our relationship has no future, and he really would be happy to continue like this forever. I'm not. I always presumed his marriage was pretty dreadful (they lead very separate lives) but it's obviously not that bad!

 

My head is telling me that I've done the right thing. I know I've done the right thing. But my feelings and emotions are out of control. He's really not a good man - he never felt an ounce of guilt towards his wife - he thinks he deserves to have his desires, have happiness and excitement that's missing from his marriage. Even though I can see I've made a lucky escape, I still feel devastated. Does anyone have any advice for helping cool these emotions down?

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Babsinhealing

Hi Londongirl81- welcome to LS. Unfortunately there is no magic cure to end the pain. If you've read the other posts (including mine) you will see that this journey is filled with incredible highs and lows and the lows will be as low as you can imagine. However, you didn't mention a DD (thank god) so I can't imagine he's going to let you go very easily and you need to be prepared for that.

 

If breaking up with him is a ploy to show him what life is without you, I'm afraid you are in for a long road of back and forth because he will do everything to keep you coming back. However if you truly want it to end because you see no future and you want a "real" relationship than YOU need to stay strong and put things in place (NC, block him, tell him it's over and to not contact you) and stand firm in your decision. Unfortunately our hearts have a hard time catching up with our minds. It won't be easy- I'm not going to sugar coat it for you- you will bounce around everyday with wanting him and will feel validation when he "fights" to keep you. But if you TRULY want to move forward and heal- you need to dig deeper than you've ever dug and not allow yourself to be sucked back in. Good luck!!

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After a 10 month affair, two days ago I have finally (I hope and pray) finished it with MM. I am in so much pain, physically and emotionally and finding it almost unbearable.

 

Does anyone have any advice for helping cool these emotions down?

 

Yes, I do have a suggestion.

Do not hope, try, or expect to "cool" these emotions down.

Only two days after breaking up any relationship, it is nothing but foolish to expect to not feel pain.

 

On top, if you have read even a dozen threads in this OW/OM forums, then you must recognize that there's something in the very dynamic of an affair relationship that creates a mysteriously unbearable and inexplicably intolerable pain in the OW/OM.

 

Don't expect others to understand your pain. But take comfort in knowing that there are many, MANY others who can relate to what you are going through.

 

So, expect to feel the pain, the suffering, the mourning, the loss, the grief for a while.

Your biggest mistake at this point is to think you can get any suggestion after TWO days of the break up.

 

While I'm sure I'm sounding harsh, what I'm trying to tell you is that don't fight the pain. It's a very natural part int he grieving process.

 

It may not help you at this point, but I must say, reading your post I feel that of all the OW posts I have read here, yours have come across as the most "hopeful". You are clearly strong and clear-minded enough to even have the courage to ask MM directly the ultimate question and based on his answer you were strong enough to end the relationship.

 

I hope you can recognize how STRONG you really are to be able to do that. Most, myself included, stayed, got dragged, and strung along helplessly for months and years, until there was no energy to keep going.

 

The second biggest and the most important suggestion I will make to you is:

PREPARE, prepare, prepare,

to hear from the MM again. He will break NC and try to pull you back again.

 

Now that you have ended the relationship, give it a bit of time to mourn and then heal. Allow time to heal you.

 

You will be ok. You are already stronger than you realize. You will find someone who can make you his number one.

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I have zero advice for you because I am spending to much time laying on my bed unable to function or move as well .

The difference is that I am married.

I have been 13 days away from him and I can barely breathe .

I wish you the best and hope you can get it together .

This is the hardest and loneliest time of life , and we cant talk about it to people or show our dispair because it was a secret that we have to carry on our own .

I tend to write my feelings out and then delete them so I don't get caught .

Hope you feel better today.

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LondonGirl81

Thanks so much Babsinhealng. It's so good to hear back from other people who've been through this.

I know I should go NC, but I have done it before and failed miserably, so I'm terrified of doing it again. I blocked him for about 4 weeks and was in so much turmoil for the whole time, and all I did was focus on the resisting and obsession of blocking him, rather than healing myself. I have made the short term decision to not block him, and just see how that goes, but I have made a commitment that if he dares to try to meet up, he will be blocked.

I remember reading that with drug addicts, it's not that they don't want to heal, but it's the pain of the withdraw that makes them go back. I am determined to sit through the pain this time, and come out the other end so much stronger.

Are there any books that anyone can recommend? I love a good self help book to distract me and hopefully help me!

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LondonGirl81

Thanks so much burnt. I know I've got to sit through this dreadful time, but wish I could click my fingers and fast forward to a time when I feel myself again.

I have always been very strong in terms of not letting someone walk all over me, and I know that by asking him if he'd ever leave, I would finally have to end the affair. I can't believe it's possible to get so addicted to someone, even though you know they are not even the right person for you!

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I'll quote another LS member who said it best.

 

"They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?"

 

Go NC. The guy is not for you. He's a monster. If you don't believe me, wait till his wife finds out. Like a rat out of an aquaduck.

Edited by BuddyX
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Miss Clavel

he can't bear the thought of damaging his very young children's lives.

 

that's a lie. i hope you caught that.

 

i think you could use a mantra. it's a phrase that you say over and over and over, a hundred times a day.

 

why not use, " I've done the right thing". it's the truth.

 

take time every day to stand in front of a mirror and get a good look at yourself. a good hard look. then say, to your reflection, 'im worth more".

 

he's a murderin, ******* cheatin, liar, no matter what women he's screwing, or screwing over for that matter.

 

he gets in touch, let him have it with both barrels.

 

you are worth more, remember.

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Thanks so much Babsinhealng. It's so good to hear back from other people who've been through this.

I know I should go NC, but I have done it before and failed miserably, so I'm terrified of doing it again. I blocked him for about 4 weeks and was in so much turmoil for the whole time, and all I did was focus on the resisting and obsession of blocking him, rather than healing myself. I have made the short term decision to not block him, and just see how that goes, but I have made a commitment that if he dares to try to meet up, he will be blocked.

I remember reading that with drug addicts, it's not that they don't want to heal, but it's the pain of the withdraw that makes them go back. I am determined to sit through the pain this time, and come out the other end so much stronger.

Are there any books that anyone can recommend? I love a good self help book to distract me and hopefully help me!

 

Go to asksuzie. Com, gives great advice for coping when ending an affair . She has meditation techniques also. I understand the blockin and no blocking issue. I do better when he isn't blocked and I have no idea why! When I block him I'm the one who wants to reach out. This past year has been the toughest in my life. It's an emotional roller coaster, one day I'm fine and don't care and then a few days later it's like a despair that I can't even describe and to the outside world I'm fine. But the worst was last summer and I'm actually pretty good right now. Everyday gets better and easier but you cannot give in or the cycle starts all over again...

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I spent 10 days in bed and all I did was cry. I am NOT exaggerating.

 

Day 7 I went on anti depressants. They helped to break the crying cycle.

 

Day 9 I saw my counselor for the first time.

 

It's now been 2 mths since the A ended, and 5? days since I went NC. Every day, I feel stronger. There were a few minor setbacks but nothing that caused me to pick up where we left off.

 

Reading stories on this forum has helped me maybe more than my counselor has, only because this is daily therapy, as opposed to once a week.

 

Find a book on grieving and let yourself grieve. The only way to end the pain is through it, and we'll be here with you every step of the way. You will get through this!!!

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I'm so very sorry for your distress. It sounds like you are doing all the right things with reaching out to friends and counseling. Unfortunately, this is something that you must grieve and process, and there are no short-cuts, so try to take it one day at a time. Make sure you're doing all the things that keep a person energized and balanced: exercise, eat well, lay off alcohol, get time in the sun, take your vitamins, meditate. Journaling and posting here, of course, are very useful for processing your emotions.

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LondonGirl81

Thanks everyone for your support. I've just had a very amicable conversation with MM and he said he totally respects my decision and we agreed it's a very sad and sorry state of affairs for both of us. He said every part of him wants to say and do anything to get me back, but he said he won't lie or persuade me back in, just for his own benefit. The thing I hate about this is there's no easy option. Staying with him is not an option, and brings me so much sadness, but leaving him is also so sad. I guess I can only focus on the time when I'm over him and there won't be any sadness anymore, just pure joy that I got myself out. I do believe him when he says he can't leave because of his young children. If I was in that situation, I would not leave my kids over a love affair that could possibly not work out. I don't think things are so horrendous in his marriage that the kids would pick up on it - but he just feels totally ambivalent towards his wife and wants to be with someone he loves. But unfortunately, he can't have his cake and eat it! We are both equally addicted to each other - I know by ending this he has a lot to lose, but I will ultimately gain. I will gain my sanity, my life, my freedom, and knowledge that I have done the right thing. I have been on the goasksuzie website and downloaded something to listen to, and I'm currently reading How to Break an Addiction to a Person. I can already see how much of this relates to me!

The most annoying thing about this whole situation is for years I never even gave him a second look. He'd been interested me for a long time but I didn't find him remotely attractive, but one slip up and I was hooked! I can also see that he's not a good honest person. He stays out drinking 3 nights a week, he's not there to put the kids to bed, to spend a Friday evening with his wife. He likes to gamble (it's very small amounts and doesn't cause financial problems, but he's definitely addicted) and generally has a lifestyle that would normally repell me. He is fun, intelligent and I think I'm attracted to the good aspects of him that doesn't take life too seriously. But if he was my actual partner and had to put up with that behaviour, it would destroy me!

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Thanks everyone for your support. I've just had a very amicable conversation with MM and he said he totally respects my decision and we agreed it's a very sad and sorry state of affairs for both of us. He said every part of him wants to say and do anything to get me back, but he said he won't lie or persuade me back in, just for his own benefit. The thing I hate about this is there's no easy option. Staying with him is not an option, and brings me so much sadness, but leaving him is also so sad. I guess I can only focus on the time when I'm over him and there won't be any sadness anymore, just pure joy that I got myself out. I do believe him when he says he can't leave because of his young children. If I was in that situation, I would not leave my kids over a love affair that could possibly not work out. I don't think things are so horrendous in his marriage that the kids would pick up on it - but he just feels totally ambivalent towards his wife and wants to be with someone he loves. But unfortunately, he can't have his cake and eat it! We are both equally addicted to each other - I know by ending this he has a lot to lose, but I will ultimately gain. I will gain my sanity, my life, my freedom, and knowledge that I have done the right thing. I have been on the goasksuzie website and downloaded something to listen to, and I'm currently reading How to Break an Addiction to a Person. I can already see how much of this relates to me!

The most annoying thing about this whole situation is for years I never even gave him a second look. He'd been interested me for a long time but I didn't find him remotely attractive, but one slip up and I was hooked! I can also see that he's not a good honest person. He stays out drinking 3 nights a week, he's not there to put the kids to bed, to spend a Friday evening with his wife. He likes to gamble (it's very small amounts and doesn't cause financial problems, but he's definitely addicted) and generally has a lifestyle that would normally repell me. He is fun, intelligent and I think I'm attracted to the good aspects of him that doesn't take life too seriously. But if he was my actual partner and had to put up with that behaviour, it would destroy me!

 

Not to mention that if he is out that much and when he was spending time with you than seriously how much time was he really spending with his kids. Also try to picture yourself in that situation. You are the one left home many nights a week wondering where he is and he walks in reeking of alcohol! Of course he has a carefree personality it's because he only cares about himself! I'm so glad your out!! You are out of his league!!!

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LondonGirl81

Ha! Quite - I truly believe he loves his kids but he cares about his own needs of going out for drinks after work and meeting me more. I remember he came round on a Sunday (because that was the only day I would agree to see him) and he said he felt guilty because it was 'family day'. But the amount of times he'd text me all day on a sunday!

 

I've had a good cry about the end of the relationship. I'm trying to take one day at a time, but there are so many habits to be broken. I fear for the Friday evenings when he'd always come round. I used to wake up on Friday morning and be so excited to see him. I know I can make plans to be with friends, but it just won't be the same. The sense of loss feels so overwhelming right now. Even though my head can see what a unsavoury man he was, I will still miss his smile, his jokes, the fun, the sex. It's like I've lost a sense of purpose. I can't believe I'm saying that as my head is saying 'don't be ridiculous, of course you haven't' but my heart says the total opposite.

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Girlfromcali
Ha! Quite - I truly believe he loves his kids but he cares about his own needs of going out for drinks after work and meeting me more. I remember he came round on a Sunday (because that was the only day I would agree to see him) and he said he felt guilty because it was 'family day'. But the amount of times he'd text me all day on a sunday!

 

I've had a good cry about the end of the relationship. I'm trying to take one day at a time, but there are so many habits to be broken. I fear for the Friday evenings when he'd always come round. I used to wake up on Friday morning and be so excited to see him. I know I can make plans to be with friends, but it just won't be the same. The sense of loss feels so overwhelming right now. Even though my head can see what a unsavoury man he was, I will still miss his smile, his jokes, the fun, the sex. It's like I've lost a sense of purpose. I can't believe I'm saying that as my head is saying 'don't be ridiculous, of course you haven't' but my heart says the total opposite.

 

I can relate. I felt like that also a year ago. Sorry to tell you this since it will add to your sense of loss but no, you CANNOT be friends with him.

 

Trust me, I wanted that, and tried that. It is not going to work, it will just prolong your healing process and takes years out of life. You are technically wasting your life and in denial, if you think you can be friends with him.

 

It has taken me a year to come to this conclusion, and it's like the I am starting the pain ALL OVER again, after a year!

 

Do not do the same mistake I did. Do not try to be friends with him.

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I think those "amicable" conversations are a very bad idea. You ended two days ago. On THAT day when you ended...everything you talked about today should have been said so their was closure and no more back and forth.

You were already 48 hours into processing...it sets you back as now theres more analyzing and its now square one.

 

Remember you said:

 

"He's really not a good man - he never felt an ounce of guilt towards his wife - he thinks he deserves to have his desires, have happiness and excitement that's missing from his marriage"

 

You need to block him now. Youve both allowed the other to talk. Now let that be it so you arent giving it this space any longer.

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Trust me he'll be back. One night, after one of his his drink fest, he'll call you looking for booty.

 

Did you tell him that he's a horrible husband and father? Great fathers don't go out drinking every time they get a chance. "I'm in it for the kids?" Please. Check my last response.

 

Unfortunately this is a reflection of who you are. You chose to continue this affair.

 

I encourage you to NC.

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Hi LondonGirl81.

 

I agree with much of which has been said here. Namely this:

 

1. Give yourself a break - it's ok to feel sad right now. You are two days out, you've made a huge (and important and positive life changing decision) and you are grieving.

 

2. Prepare yourself for him to try to worm his way back into the A - and shut it down the second he goes there. To be honest that conversation you just had believe it or not spells danger to me. In the short term keep reminding yourself of all the things you don't like about him and how you want to be free from this A.

 

3. Work on you. I think OW absolutely have to remove the want and desire for this A - understand why you chose this (as it was a choice) and how you can chose another path that will lead to a healthier relationship with and available man. NC just does this by trying to ignore something long enough until the want and desire fades... From reading through people's experiences I am starting to realise this approach alone can take years and years! So far from your posts you sound a pretty stable, strong and determined person - the way you are talking already makes me think that by continuing to focus on you (why you got into this, why you are better off out of it, and what you want in your future and what resources you have to make healthier choices) you could in fact make a lot of progress quickly and get results faster then NC alone will get you. By all means do NC, but most of all work on you alongside it. I am very pleased to hear you are already lined up for counselling. Commit to it and get the most out of that as you can and read through the numerous threads on here, take it all in, as it's thought provoking and supportive stuff and been a huge help to me!

 

But most of all point 1. Give yourself a break. Read through the stages of grieving and recognise you will probably have to work through all those stages unfortunately, and they can come in any order.

 

Well done you!

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There is a book available second hand from Amazon: 'The married man single woman syndrome' by Richard Tuch, a psychoanalyst from (I-can't-remember- which) American University Psychology dept.

 

If you read it (and recognise yourself or him) you will be horrified and you'll never go near him again. I was horrified when I read it and I'm a BW!

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LondonGirl81

No, I definitely won't try to be friends with him. I've told him today to not contact me and let me get on with my life, which he has promised to do. I think giving him the ultimatum of leaving home , or leaving me has shaken him into reality as well.

Went out for a meal with friends tonight and had a few tear break downs at the dinner table. I want to cry, I want to release the 10 months of anguish that I have been feeling. I'm so glad I asked him the question of whether he would ever leave. It's burst my bubble of the affair. I realise now that the despair I have felt from the very beginning of this affair, even before I slept with him, was a lot to do with the ultimate rejection of it. Despite how lovely he was to me, how good he made me feel in the moment, he always went home to his wife.That was always so painful and is nothing other than rejection!

I'm trying not to make myself feel better about how awful he must be feeling! He was in such a state today, and at least I can stay in bed and cry, wallow, read books about it, post on the forum, speak to friends, give my self time and space to heal, but he will have to go home and put on a face that everything is fine, which I know will be so difficult for him to do.

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Breaking up is hard, no matter what the details might be.

 

A period of grieving is natural and healthy.

 

Don't resist it.

 

 

Take care.

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Ok.... So, he drinks, gambles, neglects his family and his children, has an affair... and this guy has good qualities that overrides all that??:confused:

 

Asking a serious question: What is the appeal of the a**hole? What makes the A**hole so charming that women are willing to become emotionally tied into and cry over his loss? What does the A**hole have, that a good guy does not?

 

Because say what you will, from what you have written, this guy is an a**hole. Why are you so in love with him?

Edited by Ms. Faust
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LondonGirl81
Ok.... So, he drinks, gambles, neglects his family and his children, has an affair... and this guy has good qualities that overrides all that??:confused:

 

Brilliant, so true! How could I be pining for someone who behaves like this? I'm going step up the weekly therapy sessions to twice a week for a while I think!

I want to stick up for him and say he's a good dad when he's around, and does spend some evenings with them, and takes them out on a Saturday morning to classes. I'm desperate to stand up for him......weird!!!

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Brilliant, so true! How could I be pining for someone who behaves like this? I'm going step up the weekly therapy sessions to twice a week for a while I think!

I want to stick up for him and say he's a good dad when he's around, and does spend some evenings with them, and takes them out on a Saturday morning to classes. I'm desperate to stand up for him......weird!!!

 

He's not a good dad. Good dads don't choose to spend their days at the pub, gambling, or with other women. Good dads don't neglect their children. Spending "some" evenings with them does not make him a good dad.

 

He is what people call a DISNEY DAD. Only there for the fun times, but doesn't really invest or parent the children. He sounds too selfish to be a good dad.

 

Can I also ask how do you know his gambling has not affected their finances that bad? Just curious.

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LondonGirl81

Disney Dad - that's great. I remember asking him if his wife minded that he stayed out drinking with his friends 3 nights a week. He said he was basically allowed to do what he wanted, but as long as he was there for her and the kids. Sounds a bit contradictory to me.....the other day he went out on a massive drinking binge until the early hours and then had the kids all day the next day. He was so hungover, but some how he manages to pull himself together and have lots of energy. Probably the result of being a hardened drinker.

It's funny, I've always wondered how his wife can put up with him. She's the main bread winner, he works less. Even when he's not working, the kids go to nursery - he has them one day a week at home. But now I'm turning it around - why was I ever concerned about how the wife puts up with him - it should be me I'm worried about putting up with him!

With regards to gambling - he frequently did it, but with very small amounts of money, so although it is a total addiction and obviously a huge waste of money, it was such minuscule bets it wouldn't have impacted too much financially. But along with the beer drinking and only working three days a week.....

 

Can I just say THANK YOU to everyone. You guys Challenging his behaviours and telling people about him is starting to open my eyes to what this man actually is. I will be fascinated to enquire inside myself why the hell I was attracted to this!

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