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Think it's over - feeling lost


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I'm a single guy but have been involved with a woman who is in a relationship and lives with her partner. We have been seeing each other for 4 months and it's been pretty intense. She lives quite far away but we work in same location during the week which is when we see each other then she goes home at weekends.

 

Since I met her she's been talking about moving back towards our work location (as she is originally from there) and that she's been having relationship problems for a while. On Friday the reality hit and she's been offered s job which means she'll need to move. Between this and potentially breaking up her relationship I can sense from messages she is very stressed.

 

Anyway, we always agreed I was never part of her thinking in regards to moving or the break-up but tonight I got this simple message saying we had to stop talking as she needed space. That was it, no reposes to messages of calls

 

I'm at a loss and feel pretty lost. Do I just leave it a week or so or just assume it's over? Ive started falling for her

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TaraMaiden2

She asked you for space and you immediately did the complete opposite and tried to message/call her.

 

If she's stressed she needs to re-group her thoughts.

Show some respect. This isn't about you.

 

Leave her be. If she's moving - which is very stressful in and of itself alone - AND breaking up with her bf then the last thing she needs is to be pestered by you.

 

Hang in there. Leave it for a while.

Let her come to you when she needs to, not chase her because you want to.

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Just give her the space she asked you for. The worst thing you can do is calling and messaging her for explanations. It will only make her feel stressed and it will push her away.

 

It is so hard not knowing what is going on, but you have no control over her or her situation. You have control over your actions only, so save yourself the humiliation and the eventual blunt rejection. She cut you off, so she is the one who has to contact you first.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but don't act desperate and needy. There is nothing less attractive than that and I'm speaking of experience. :)

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You've been having a casual relationship with someone else's partner, so you aren't owed anything.

 

Best to leave her alone as requested.

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Just give her the space she asked you for. The worst thing you can do is calling and messaging her for explanations. It will only make her feel stressed and it will push her away.

 

It is so hard not knowing what is going on, but you have no control over her or her situation. You have control over your actions only, so save yourself the humiliation and the eventual blunt rejection. She cut you off, so she is the one who has to contact you first.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but don't act desperate and needy. There is nothing less attractive than that and I'm speaking of experience. :)

 

It's hurting because I'm feeling kind of used and annoyed at myself.

 

Since my own horrific breakup nearly 3 years ago she is the first person I've really let in, opened up to and I probably just feel stupid more than hurt.

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Put it down to experience and move on. Getting involved with a committed person never ends well. Someone is always hurt by it.

 

There are so many people just looking for excitement with no attachment and although women generally weren't the ones to step out. ... times have changed.

 

Affairs may seem fun at the time .... but they can be very catastrophic.

 

Focus on yourself.. on if you want to..on being the kind of guy a girl would be proud of.

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Even when she moves, Id give her space.

You dont want to end up being her emotiinal support and shoulder to lean on unless she has you in her heart as her #1.

Because what ends up happening is you care alot, are there for her, get closer..then find out your friendzoned and it hurts.

Girls are very nostalgic and always want the partner who was less attainable. Shes going to miss her boyfriend, they are going to talk alot and go back and forth...even if they decide to break up its gonna be a longer breakup and likely not a clean one.

Id just steer clear if I were you as you dont really want a love triangle or half of someones heart. I feel she might soak up all the attention you will give her in order to not feel alone and have emotional support, but her heart wont truly be with you.

Id emotionally distance myself if I were you. I know you like her and had a good connection but I see this going badly for you. Even sweet girls really hurt people.

You may think even just friendship is ok but you know its not enough, I think its a dead end road.

Id not write at all, Id maybe even not respond if she does or at least for a long while.

Id date and focus on your work and friends, you seem very nice.

Its summer, its time for fun.

Dont let her life and complications affecr you. Shut down your emotions and the thought you give her...refocus.

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Thank you privategal.

 

Blunt and straight to the point is what I needed to hear! I haven't stopped thinking about her all day but I know I need to let go. How long it takes I have no idea.

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Don't get involved with anyone who has a partner.

 

These things rarely turn out well.

 

What possessed you to do so in this case?

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imperfectangel

I think he knows that now. He needs support. I'm in NC right now and it's hard my best advice is to keep busy my mm would also ask for "space" and it hurts so I know where you're coming from. Just try to be as busy as possible keep being social with your friends. DONT wait for her.

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What possessed me!? That's probably the hardest question ever to answer. I'm single, she is hot and we had chemistry when we met. At that point I had no idea. She chased me for a bit after I found out and I just couldn't say no. At first it was just physical then over the months we got closer and feelings started....for both I hope. At this point we discussed what was happening and that she had to sort her stuff.....I suppose I never expected it to happen with me having to give space.

 

If you read my history my ex of 11 years got caught having an affair with someone and they have just moved in together. Not sure if in the back of my mind I though that somehow it would work for me.

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What possessed me!? That's probably the hardest question ever to answer. I'm single, she is hot and we had chemistry when we met. At that point I had no idea. She chased me for a bit after I found out and I just couldn't say no. At first it was just physical then over the months we got closer and feelings started....for both I hope. At this point we discussed what was happening and that she had to sort her stuff.....I suppose I never expected it to happen with me having to give space.

 

If you read my history my ex of 11 years got caught having an affair with someone and they have just moved in together. Not sure if *in the back of my mind I though that somehow it would work for me.

 

Hopefully you'll be able to put all this behind you, and when you've done some healing, move on to better things.

 

 

*"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

—C. G. Jung

 

 

Take care.

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Darren Steez

Since my own horrific breakup nearly 3 years ago she is the first person I've really let in

 

umm you "let in" a woman who was willing to lie and cheat on the guy she lived with.. how exactly did you think it was going to end?

 

And from your own experience you should've known better, someone did the dirty to you, you do the dirty to someone else..what's the common denominator? The women you pick.

 

If you ultimately want a happy ending for your heart, your sanity and just your general outlook on women going forward, give this woman a wide berth and run like your tail is on fire.

 

Invest your time in someone worthy.

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You make it sound so easy! Let me go magic someone worthwhile out of thin air.

 

Yeah, I shouldn't have got involved with someone in a relationship but it happened and like so many on here felt I had no control over it. Now it's over my head is a bit frazzled by it all. Yesterday was day 1 of NC and I've barely slept a wink thinking about her. Hope day 2 is better. Day 3 we will be in same office and that will be even harder.

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whichwayisup
You make it sound so easy! Let me go magic someone worthwhile out of thin air.

 

Yeah, I shouldn't have got involved with someone in a relationship but it happened and like so many on here felt I had no control over it. Now it's over my head is a bit frazzled by it all. Yesterday was day 1 of NC and I've barely slept a wink thinking about her. Hope day 2 is better. Day 3 we will be in same office and that will be even harder.

 

4 months isn't that long. It's not like you've invested years of your life and time into her. Not saying that it will be easy to grieve and move on but you can push yourself to work through the pain. I mean by the time summer arrives you don't want to be feeling like you are right now. Be proactive and don't wallow in it (of course give yourself time to cry since it just happened).. Hope this makes sense.

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You make it sound so easy! Let me go magic someone worthwhile out of thin air.

 

Yeah, I shouldn't have got involved with someone in a relationship but it happened and like so many on here felt I had no control over it. Now it's over my head is a bit frazzled by it all. Yesterday was day 1 of NC and I've barely slept a wink thinking about her. Hope day 2 is better. Day 3 we will be in same office and that will be even harder.

 

NC is hard, especially the first days, but it is really the only way. Privategal is absolutely right. You're not going to achieve anything by trying to be there for her. It will only give you false hope and will slow down your healing.

 

I did the friendship thing with my XMM and it was a disaster. He wanted me to support him through the drama after DD. I refused at first, but he begged me not to leave him alone. I cared, so I stayed. As he was gradually recovering his marriage, I was left further and further out, until he cut me off for good.

 

Don't do this to yourself. :)

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  • 1 month later...
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So, she came back after a few days of me being NC but the same things started happening again. The last 4 weeks have been terrible actually. Anyway, I finally ended the whole thing last night and feel I have lifted a whole weight off my shoulder.

 

Numbers / e-mail addresses, social media have all been deleted to today is Day 1 of full NC. Feels weird not sending a Good Morning message today but I suppose I'll get over that. Time to look after number 1 for a wee while.

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stilltrying16

That was extremely unfair of her. And unnecessarily painful for you after you'd worked to accept the first break-up. Good for you having the strength to end it. NC is tough, but each time you resist temptation you get that much stronger. Keep posting. The best of luck to you.

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I've been on and off no contact for the past year and I'm at almost two weeks this time and I'm hoping this is it. Many times he broke it but I broke it a few times also. This time feels different though. I told him that I deserved someone who was going to call and text and take me out and want to be with me all the time and I felt I deserved that. I also told him that I felt by him still talking to me that it was enabling him to stay in a bad marraige and I didn't want to be that person. So after I said all these things...He blocked me!! We weren't done ending it or saying goodbye and he just blocked me And wouldn't answer his phone. At first I was devastated but then I think I realized that this is a power play by him...I think! Not sure. Or maybe he just decided screw her and went dark! Anyway I'm still smarting over the whole thing even though I know it's the right thing to do!

 

No contact is the only way unfortunately......:

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lemondrop21
I've been on and off no contact for the past year and I'm at almost two weeks this time and I'm hoping this is it. Many times he broke it but I broke it a few times also. This time feels different though. I told him that I deserved someone who was going to call and text and take me out and want to be with me all the time and I felt I deserved that. I also told him that I felt by him still talking to me that it was enabling him to stay in a bad marraige and I didn't want to be that person. So after I said all these things...He blocked me!! We weren't done ending it or saying goodbye and he just blocked me And wouldn't answer his phone. At first I was devastated but then I think I realized that this is a power play by him...I think! Not sure. Or maybe he just decided screw her and went dark! Anyway I'm still smarting over the whole thing even though I know it's the right thing to do!

 

No contact is the only way unfortunately......:

 

You're right that it very well could be a power play and based on his track record, he'll probably come back... in the meantime you can think about whether you want to restart the cycle, or what. I'm sorry you're going through this though. I think that the feeling of being blocked is particularly hard - especially when you're like, wait, I should be the one walking away from YOU! Hang in there.

 

If that's really all you said to him - that you deserve someone who will take you out and want to be with you all the time, and that you feared you enabled him to stay in a bad marriage - IMO it's pretty extreme and childish for him to just suddenly block you.

 

Regarding what you deserve, you should be able to express that sentiment without him blowing up at you. He knows very well that you deserve more.

 

Regarding his supposedly bad marriage, that comment may have sent him over the edge, but frankly, if he didn't want you commentating on the state of his marriage then he shouldn't have brought you into it as a third party or used you as a sounding board to complain about how awful his spouse is.

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So, she came back after a few days of me being NC but the same things started happening again. The last 4 weeks have been terrible actually. Anyway, I finally ended the whole thing last night and feel I have lifted a whole weight off my shoulder.

 

Numbers / e-mail addresses, social media have all been deleted to today is Day 1 of full NC. Feels weird not sending a Good Morning message today but I suppose I'll get over that. Time to look after number 1 for a wee while.

 

It's so difficult, but you did the right thing. That push/pull love becomes like an addiction. The longer you are in it, the more painful your withdrawals will be. Glad you ended sooner. Stay strong in case she comes back around.

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privategal
Tough day today as I've constantly thought about her!! Posting here rather than a reaching out......

Its going to hurt for awhile, the end is so hard no matter who decides...everyone suffers alot. It is natural to miss her.

Hoping you will be ok. We are here for you. Keep venting it helps.

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So, she tried to break my NC yesterday using the messaging system at work. I managed to ignore it but I'm sure it will happen again. Was doing ok until then but I've spent all night thinking about her. If it happens again should I just tell her to get lost and leave me alone?

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lemondrop21
So, she tried to break my NC yesterday using the messaging system at work. I managed to ignore it but I'm sure it will happen again. Was doing ok until then but I've spent all night thinking about her. If it happens again should I just tell her to get lost and leave me alone?

 

You told her at the beginning that you were going NC right? If so then your silence is all that is needed. She'll have to give up eventually.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this as it's very anxiety-provoking. Not sure what kind of messaging system you use at work, but I know that where I work, there is the option to block someone and it just shows to them that you are offline (Google it if you're not sure how to do this). In my previous days of NC (full disclosure I am not in NC now) I blocked him for the first couple weeks in order to give myself some breathing space - it helps to KNOW that they can't message you, so that you aren't sitting there expecting it. After the first couple weeks I was better and did not constantly wonder or expect a message.

 

We probably aren't technically supposed to block people on work chat but I decided my sanity and ability to get work done was more important.

 

Good luck to you!

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