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Hurting me, hurting others


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I know this is stupid and wrong but this is my story. He and I are both married and to make it worse he is my boss. He only joined our company a few months ago and we immediately hit it off. Not only is there tremendous respect for each other in terms or work, our personalities just clicked. The flirting started with chat first but was quickly followed by touching each other - just arm, hand, that kind of thing, but more than you would with any other colleague. Eventually he asked me whether I was being serious with the flirting and I admitted I was. There is something about him that just makes me completely truthful and straight with him. He said he was married, my boss etc but did not say he was not interested either.

 

 

The flirting and contact escalated from that point and a couple of weeks later, we agreed to stay late after a meeting at work when everybody else would have gone. That didn't happen as he was not well plus he again said he is married and also said we mustn't take things further. I didn't see him for a week but as soon as we were back at work together, we were just using every opportunity we could to spend time together. There was another meeting last week. We stayed late. We ended up having sex.

 

 

Next day back at work, he pulls back again - married, work etc. But that didn't last. We had a meeting on Monday and decided to not hold it in the office. Whilst we did work, we could hardly keep our hands off each other and ended up making out in his car later in the day. Tuesday he does the married thing and then Wednesday he is all over me again. Touching me, kissing me, etc and in the office too. Very high risk, I know. This was all initiated by him.

 

 

I didn't see him yesterday and today was spent with a 3rd colleague for 99% of the day. In that 1%, I briefly touched his hand and yet again, it's the married, can't do this etc. The colleague was back before I could say anything. Since then he and I have exchanged some emails and as he says, we know it is right to stop. But that leaves me in a mess.

 

 

I know he is right that we should stop. But he has said that a few times now and each time, he is back for more. He and I have never done anything like this before and I think it has surprised him as much as it has me but I don't know where I am.

 

 

I feel hurt. I feel stupid. I feel used.

 

 

I also feel guilt for my husband and his wife. This is wrong and cruel on them. But I feel so drawn to him. When he looks at me and smiles, I feel as if I cannot resist. Pathetic isn't it.

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Babsinhealing
I know this is stupid and wrong but this is my story. He and I are both married and to make it worse he is my boss. He only joined our company a few months ago and we immediately hit it off. Not only is there tremendous respect for each other in terms or work, our personalities just clicked. The flirting started with chat first but was quickly followed by touching each other - just arm, hand, that kind of thing, but more than you would with any other colleague. Eventually he asked me whether I was being serious with the flirting and I admitted I was. There is something about him that just makes me completely truthful and straight with him. He said he was married, my boss etc but did not say he was not interested either.

 

 

The flirting and contact escalated from that point and a couple of weeks later, we agreed to stay late after a meeting at work when everybody else would have gone. That didn't happen as he was not well plus he again said he is married and also said we mustn't take things further. I didn't see him for a week but as soon as we were back at work together, we were just using every opportunity we could to spend time together. There was another meeting last week. We stayed late. We ended up having sex.

 

 

Next day back at work, he pulls back again - married, work etc. But that didn't last. We had a meeting on Monday and decided to not hold it in the office. Whilst we did work, we could hardly keep our hands off each other and ended up making out in his car later in the day. Tuesday he does the married thing and then Wednesday he is all over me again. Touching me, kissing me, etc and in the office too. Very high risk, I know. This was all initiated by him.

 

 

I didn't see him yesterday and today was spent with a 3rd colleague for 99% of the day. In that 1%, I briefly touched his hand and yet again, it's the married, can't do this etc. The colleague was back before I could say anything. Since then he and I have exchanged some emails and as he says, we know it is right to stop. But that leaves me in a mess.

 

 

I know he is right that we should stop. But he has said that a few times now and each time, he is back for more. He and I have never done anything like this before and I think it has surprised him as much as it has me but I don't know where I am.

 

 

I feel hurt. I feel stupid. I feel used.

 

 

I also feel guilt for my husband and his wife. This is wrong and cruel on them. But I feel so drawn to him. When he looks at me and smiles, I feel as if I cannot resist. Pathetic isn't it.

Welcome to LS messy lady- don't feel pathetic- we are all on this forum for a reason so we understand how these feeling and actions get away from us. Trust me when I say, wanting it to stop and trying to tell yourself it should stop is two different things. We can lie to ourselves all we want but until you put up strong boundaries and takes steps to end it permanently, it will continue to happen every time he gives you the green light. From someone that has been in a long term A with a M man (I'm also M) get out early because it gets more and more complicated- especially after DD, which we've had 2. If I knew what I know now, I would run and not look back. This has been the hardest thing I've ever did and my life hasn't been peaches and cream. You can "escape" now before emotions overtake so take that opportunity. However, only you can determine this. If you choose not to, we will be here for you! Take care!

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Thank you Babs. Emotions are already getting in the way though at least one of those is anger. Anger at him for this push pull, doing the right thing by saying it stops but then he is the one who starts it up again. I am being played like a fiddle. I am letting him do that.

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stilltrying16

It's not pathetic at all! It's so much to have to deal with and you are brave for seeking help.

 

I'm new here myself. I've read some great threads in the Other Woman/Man forum and also on the Infidelity forum. There seems to be so much pain in store for the OWs who are much further in the affair than you are and are trying to pull back. I'm sure many among them will come along with great advice. I think it'll be very helpful to look at other stories from OW and maybe even the Infidelity section. Have you been reading on this site?

 

I think you chose to come on to this site at just the right time.

 

Someone here had recommended Esther Perel, a relationship therapist who has written a lot on infidelity. I checked out a Youtube link she had posted. Ms. Perel described affairs as hardly ever being about the AP (affair partner) or about some lack in the BS (betrayed partner). They were often something else altogether: "a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves... or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy."

She said that "if we seek the gaze of another, it is isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person we have ourselves become."

 

So if you accept what she's saying the question would be how to achieve the same goal of "recapturing lost parts" of yourself in more painless ways than an affair. I guess by making your life as full as possible; doing something every day for the sheer joy of it; doing something for someone else; acknowledging what an awesome person you are- all without needing validation from outside yourself- the AP or anyone else? Maybe journaling would help you work through some of this too?

 

You will get through this. Sending you strength and hugs!

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Babsinhealing

If it could be perfect... What would you want it to look like? I know you are angry because of the "push pull" but that is so typical in an A or you lose your head and try to run off into the sunset together, only to stop and think "what the heck am I doing?" He's struggling with this- he wants it (and you) but he probably fights with himself everyday... Being married, being your boss. His logic is fighting with his heart. He knows this could end bad but the temptation and pull is really hard to resist.

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Perfect? There is no perfect in this, is there.

 

 

Perfect is probably him and I in an affair but both able to go to our respective homes and carry on as if everything is fine. We both love our spouses - I have no expectation of more. But that is a false life for everybody.

 

 

And of course its easy to say that now and the way I am feeling shows that I am more involved than I realised already.

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Babsinhealing

That darn oxytocin and dopamine- they suck you in, get you attached and keep you wanting more! Leading a double life is exhausting- I'm still doing it and I forget how wonderful and simple life was pre-A. It's going to get harder and harder the more invested you get.

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Babsinhealing

Let me clarify before I get wrath from other posters... When I say wonderful pre-A I don't mean I had a wonderful life - after all I had a deep void which caused me to have an A. What I mean about wonderful is less stress, waiting, wanting, pining, depression, yearning. It was just easier!

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Pre already seems like a lifetime ago and this has hardly started.

 

 

I am dreading going into work on Monday. Having to pretend everything is fine, being professional and not showing I am hurt. Yet I know he will ask if I am OK and that will be tough to deal with. Then there is the issue of whether he tries to start it all again - if he doesn't I'll be hurt yet if he does I will just end up going through this same cycle of happiness and pain.

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Babsinhealing

Don't ever forget that you have power... Determine what you want and tell him! If you want to continue the A, tell him but ask for expectations. If you don't, tell him and set boundaries. Don't leave this up to him. This is your life. You will never know unless you ask!

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He told me today that he did not want to have an affair, that he could not do that to his wife. I had suspected he was going to pull back today because of an email yesterday yet even this morning he was commenting on my appearance, catching my eye. He continued light flirting with me even after he told me it had to stop!

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Babsinhealing

I think you still really want it so you will observe every action and email -looking for signs. This is going to kill you as the days go on. However, he will move mountains to see you and be with you if he really wanted this. It's a huge hit to ones self-esteem when rejected so try to prevent that and agree to what he told you; tell him that boundaries need to be set to prevent it from happening again. Protect yourself and your heart.

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You are right Babs. I still want him.

 

 

I think he still wants me too. But he is terrified of it being found out - there are a couple of big reasons that I have not mentioned (and cannot) that would make it even worse if it became public knowledge compared to most affairs.

 

 

We have not talked about feelings or anything like that. But there is a very strong connection and the sexual attraction is incredibly intense for both of is.

 

 

I am going to have to try and distance myself but we do work very closely together on a one to one basis on a regular basis. There is no avoiding that.

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He told me today that he did not want to have an affair, that he could not do that to his wife. I had suspected he was going to pull back today because of an email yesterday yet even this morning he was commenting on my appearance, catching my eye. He continued light flirting with me even after he told me it had to stop!... Anger at him for this push pull, doing the right thing by saying it stops but then he is the one who starts it up again.

 

Push pull behaviour of the MM.

 

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

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ladydesigner
Let me clarify before I get wrath from other posters... When I say wonderful pre-A I don't mean I had a wonderful life - after all I had a deep void which caused me to have an A. What I mean about wonderful is less stress, waiting, wanting, pining, depression, yearning. It was just easier!

 

So true! I don't know which is worse a bad M or an A that never ends!

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At the moment, I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't have too much time to think. As for work, it will be about being polite, professional and the right side of friendly. I can't not work with him if I am to do my job.

 

We hadn't got into texting each other but have usually had some email chat back and forth during the evening. That has to be purely work and not the usual teasing etc. though yet again he did some of that earlier tonight in response to a purely work email

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I don't want to lose my marriage (yes, I know selfish) which means I will work on that. But at the moment I need to focus on breaking this hold this man has over me.

 

If he and I can get on a more professional level then there will be no need to look for a job (reasons I cannot go into because it could give TMI).

 

As it is, at the moment I am posting here right now to stop me emailing him. The problem is I don't know whether I am doing that to protect myself and build those boundaries or whether it is to make him feel less pressured and therefore more open to us.

 

I hate that I just wrote that .

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I think the MM really does feel guilty and would like to stop but somehow he is trying to put the onus on you to stop it. Rather than resisting the new sex he keeps approaching you and then says it's wrong. I think when he puts the moves on you one part of him wants you to say yes to the sex and another part of him really wishes you would say no and put an end to it. If this ever comes out I think he will probably blame you.

 

How does it make you feel when a man you have had sex with tells you afterwards that it was wrong and he feels guilty? How does that not turn you off. If a man I was sleeping with told me that sex with me made him feel guilt or shame I would feel like it was tainted. It would ruin it for me and I would never sleep with him again.

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Grapesofwrath

Welcome to LS, Messy Lady..the club none of us ever wanted to join. We are here for you, and you will find good advise, support, and insights here from others who have walked the path.

 

I will echo what others have said: If you can possibly do it, stop the A now. Stop before you get more involved emotionally. Stop before you are discovered (this is a real threat for you, given that you work together. It will not take long before coworkers begin to sense something, then gossip starts, and it gets very difficult to get that genie back in the bottle.) Your AP has a tremendous vulnerability here, as well. He has opened himself up to legal risks of sexual harassment, etc. I'm sure he knows this, which is part of why he does the push/pull with you. Even if you don't go that route, your coworkers can assert that you received preferential treatment/better assignments/increased compensation as a result of the A, and they suffered as a result.

 

The pain you are feeling now is just a mild foreshadowing of what is in store for you if you get further involved. You have so much to lose here. Read the stories from other posters. You will find that the situation you are in is not uncommon, just in terms of an A.

 

No contact is not a feasible option for you, given the work issues, so I would suggest very LC and possibly a new job for you.

 

You will get no morality lecture from me. But please be thoughtful about what you do next. You really have so much to lose.

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The push/pull thing is only going to get worse. Trust me! I was in a similar situation, he wasn't my direct boss but he was more senior to me and we worked very closely together. I went through a year of push/pull and we almost got caught - by co-workers and by his wife. In the end I became a mess because emotions and feelings got involved. He ended up finding another job.

 

If you can recognise now the situation then please try and do something about it. It's only going to end in a downward spiral. You will experience some highs but the lows will be awful and by the end you won't even recognise yourself.

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whichwayisup
Pre already seems like a lifetime ago and this has hardly started.

 

 

I am dreading going into work on Monday. Having to pretend everything is fine, being professional and not showing I am hurt. Yet I know he will ask if I am OK and that will be tough to deal with. Then there is the issue of whether he tries to start it all again - if he doesn't I'll be hurt yet if he does I will just end up going through this same cycle of happiness and pain.

 

You have to suck it up, be professional and not show him any emotions while at work. Or start looking for another job if you feel you can't face him and deal with him at work.

 

People aren't stupid, they may have picked up on you two having secret looks and if there's a strong energy between you both then that's quite easy to pick up on as well. Office gossip is the last thing you need too.

 

Tell him to please not talk to you at work unless it's work related. Don't answer anything that he asks that is personal.

 

I feel hurt. I feel stupid. I feel used.

 

You both are using each other and filling a void missing inside. He's not being malicious, he's just being selfish, like you are (sorry I am saying this in the nicest way possible).

 

Put yourself in your husband's shoes and ask yourself how he would feel if he finds out about this. Go read in the infidelity section and see what you're up against and understand that in the heat of the moment when you feel you have to want this MM coworker, you are actually quietly throwing away your marriage and all the faith/love/trust your H has in you and your marriage. All that could be gone in a flash, because of the choices you've made.

 

Can you take a holiday from work? If so, book a week off and spend time with your husband and family. Focus on why you married your H, and really think if what you're doing by flirting and getting close to this MM coworker is worth it.

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whichwayisup
I don't want to lose my marriage (yes, I know selfish) which means I will work on that. But at the moment I need to focus on breaking this hold this man has over me.

 

If he and I can get on a more professional level then there will be no need to look for a job (reasons I cannot go into because it could give TMI).

 

As it is, at the moment I am posting here right now to stop me emailing him. The problem is I don't know whether I am doing that to protect myself and build those boundaries or whether it is to make him feel less pressured and therefore more open to us.

 

I hate that I just wrote that .

 

Good, every time you want to reach out to him post here.

 

You have the be the strong one and fight the urge. Don't read his personal emails to you, delete them.

 

DO build boundaries and stick to them. Do you have children? Think of them and their little hearts safe and sound at home. Last thing you want to for their lives to be turned upside down too all because of a bad decision by having an A with your co worker.

 

Think of his negative qualities. He's far from perfect so knocking him off the king chair is something you have to do.

 

He's hot/cold, playing a push pull ego game with you. And all the meanwhile you're allowing your heart to be invested, he's NOT. Don't forget that! His ego is being fed and many men like him have huge ego's that take over...That's not love nor is it genuine care. It's lust and not healthy.

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